The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

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The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

by Harriet Goldhor Lerner

3.87 · rating details · 975 ratings · 71 reviews

In "The Dance of Intimacy, " the bestselling author of "The Dance of Anger" outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed. Taking a careful look at those relationships where intimacy is most challenged--by distance, intensity, or pain--she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to a

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Paperback, 255 pages

Published March 19th 1990 by Harper Perennial (first published 1989)

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Sep 25, 2010

Rebecca rated it

Shelves: own

August 2009

I read Dance of Anger as soon as I finished Dance of Intimacy. The lessons of each book are the same, just with different examples and a slightly different focus. I gave both books five stars because I like the subject so much and I think Lerner does a great job of clearly explaining how to practically apply the concepts.

I LOVE and embrace the concepts of patterns in relationships, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, family systems and triangles. The most powerful message I took fr...more

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Dec 24, 2011

Sparrow rated it

Shelves: dangerous-hokum, reviewed, wise

I’ve had all this interaction recently with this particular gentleman who is involved in a couple of restraining orders and requests for no contact. The ladies who have asked him not to contact them have explained that their requests for no contact are an attempt to set definite boundaries and be clear that disrespectful treatment of them is unacceptable. Since they do not believe it is possible for him to contact them in a respectful manner, they don’t want him to contact them at all. “But,”...moreI’ve had all this interaction recently with this particular gentleman who is involved in a couple of restraining orders and requests for no contact. The ladies who have asked him not to contact them have explained that their requests for no contact are an attempt to set definite boundaries and be clear that disrespectful treatment of them is unacceptable. Since they do not believe it is possible for him to contact them in a respectful manner, they don’t want him to contact them at all. “But,” the gentleman countered, “My boundaries require more contact!” This is so hilarious to me in the way that it points out the difficulties with just setting boundaries and speaking from a self-defining perspective that I think about it all the time. Sometimes, anxious interactions are not as simple as just taking focus off of blame and returning it to self-definition.

I guess, in honor of the holidays, this is sort of a review about a book about getting along with family, aka managing anxiety. I just finished reading The Dance of Intimacy, and I was going to actually review The Dance of Anger (I know, the titles just make my skin crawl, but whatever) because I think Anger is a better book and it seemed like Intimacy was almost the exact same book but not really as good, but it turns out that unbeknownst to me I actually already reviewed Anger a while back. And TONS of overshare! So, you’re welcome. They might actually be equals, and I just read Anger at a point in my life where I felt particularly guilty about self-definition, so it was more meaningful in validating my attempts to self-define. N E Way, I don’t dislike Intimacy, but, you might as well read Anger instead.

The books are about how any relationship we have – and by relationship, I just mean interaction with people, not necessarily romantic relationship – involves a given level of anxiety. And, often, we manage the anxiety either through over-functioning and pursuing or through under-functioning and distancing. Both of those options are reactive to the anxiety in the relationship, rather than self-defining. So, they actually undermine our attempts to understand who we are and be appreciated for that within the relationship and our attempts to understand and appreciate the other person.

The covers and titles of these books are very off-putting to me, but having read them, there is something that is interesting to me in the gendered nature of the books that is expressed in the titles and covers. Lerner approaches psychology and the study of relationships from a clearly feminist perspective, but she acknowledges and explores the idea that women are expected to shoulder the weight of maintaining and growing relationships. She doesn’t beat this idea into the ground, or approach it with outrage, but she takes it into consideration in a really comforting way.

I think acknowledging that is important because I think the imbalance can cause bitterness on either side. If it is unmanly to cultivate intimate relationships and manly to distance, men have to counteract society or wait for a woman (or man who is more comfortable counteracting society) to pursue them in order to have emotionally meaningful relationships. If the burden of pursuing emotional intimacy is on women, women have to counteract society in order to maintain self-definition in relationships. It isn’t fair to either gender. When I’m talking about the gendered expectations, I’m not assuming that any romantic relationship would be heterosexual, and Lerner doesn’t assume that either. I’m more talking about how each individual typically has to overcome their own social conditioning in all of their relationships, than how they have to overcome the other gender’s, if that makes sense. Two homosexual men in a relationship, therefore, would both presumably have a challenge in overcoming a socialized tendency to emotionally distance, particularly if that was emphasized in their families of origin.

Lerner expresses her choice to direct the books to women as an acknowledgment that it is just a reality that women are expected to manage relationships and are more likely to seek help to do so. While both Intimacy and Anger were written over twenty years ago, I think it is unfortunately still accurate to say that remains true today. I’m not trying to be bitter or bitchy about that, and I don’t feel bitter or bitchy about it, it is just unfortunately my experience that it is generally assumed to be masculine to distance and feminine to pursue intimacy.

Mostly, what I’m thinking about the covers and titles, though, is that they are there to catch women who have lost self-definition into some kind of generic Precious Moments of femininity. I’m positive that this is judgey of me, which I’m sorry about, but the aesthetics of them are just so stepford to me. In Intimacy, Lerner tells the story of reading a letter to the editor in Ms. magazine from a woman who explained that she needed to cancel her subscription because it caused her husband too much anxiety for her to read the magazine. I think these covers and titles are the brown paper bag that Lerner used to cloak her really academic analysis of relationships and advice to women to put themselves first in an acceptable cover that evokes the idea of traditional femininity. I mean, not that I think it is unacceptable to be drawn to the covers or titles, they just signal traditional gender roles to me, where the content of the books actually undermine them. I like that a lot. I think it is evocative of the 1950s melodramas, which I love.

In general, I like the substance of the book, and the stories are engaging, but it is pretty repetitive, especially if you have already read Anger. I skimmed a little by the end, to be quite honest. At the same time, it was a good refresher on the importance of acknowledging the actual sources of anxiety. It is pretty easy to say, look at my terrible, under-functioning roommate, all my problems are because of her, or, our family just needs to help little Joey get through his ADD behavior, and not acknowledge the actual sources of anxiety in our lives. Lerner talks a lot about anniversaries that we subconsciously remember – of divorce or illness or other huge stresses – and also how stressful events in our families of origin can be something that we displace onto other parts of our lives in order to manage. Since those are the type of thing I am already blocking, it is nice to have an outside person to remind me to locate the actual source of my anxiety. In sum, I really <3 Lerner, and I want to be like her when I grow up.(less)

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Mar 26, 2011

Heather rated it

You can't fix a relationship by focusing on the relationship. Since it is an act of teamwork, it can never be controlled by only one of its parts, and can never be more than the sum of those parts. But when one individual envisions what a healthy relationship is, and creates and acts out that vision on their end, many times the other half is inspired to follow and complete the vision. That is the idea behind this book, that strengthening the self will help so that self can be emotionally connect...more

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Dec 26, 2010

Khaya rated it

Recommends it for: Therapists interested in learning more about Bowen theory

Shelves: professionallit, readablenonfiction

It's a pity that I read this so many years after reading The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, because I no longer remember The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships well enough to tell you whether the two books are redundant. The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships rocked my world when I read it, in part because I was having difficulty understanding my B...more

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Nov 20, 2010

Michele Bruschino rated it

Outstanding book. Keeper. A woman's guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. In the Dance of Intimacy, the bestselling author of the Dance of Anger outline the steps to take so that good relationships where intimacy is most challenged by distance, intensity, or pain and she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples (love it) Dr. Lerner offers...more

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Apr 17, 2011

Susan rated it

Contrary to what you might presume by the cover (that this book is about sexual intimacy), this book is about the connectivity in relationships. There is lots of emphasis on family of origin and creating genograms to help you understand family dynamics. While this might be important if you had an alcoholic parent or other problem in you family of origin, I'm not sure how relevant it is to me (although I'm sure I always could learn something using these techniques). I liked the idea that we ca...more

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Aug 25, 2008

Corina rated it

There are two really good things to take from this book - the first is a well-needed jab at the sexism of the self-help industry. The first chapter ("The Pursuit of Intimacy: Is it Women's Work?") contains a thoughtful paragraph about how too many books exhort women to become better wives, more attractive, more balanced, etc.; "Surely, we do not need more of the same. Yet just as surely, on our own behalf, we may need to become more effective agents of change in our primary relati...more

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Feb 13, 2009

Kirsten rated it

Shelves: from-library, mental-health, non-fiction

I really enjoyed this and found it very helpful, although now that I've read The Dance of Anger, I would recommend reading that one first.

One of the things I really like about Lerner is that she is very upfront about her qualms about "self-help" books and the way that they market almost exclusively toward women. She really emphasizes that she does not want her book to be about telling women how to change the people around them, or how to change themselves in a way that "...more

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Sep 01, 2010

Polina rated it

This is one of those books that I wish I haven't read! It clearly exposes the patterns and unconscious behaviours we engage in in our relationships. And once exposed I can't just keep doing the same old thing and have to change. And change is difficult, like the book keeps emphasising over and over again.

Read at your own risk, recommended only for those motivated to work to make their relationships more harmonious and to maintain the illusive balance between "I" and "...more

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Jan 05, 2010

Abby rated it

Shelves: non-fiction

Written nearly 20 years ago, this book is a relevant than as it is now and should be required reading for all women between the ages of 25 and 30.

If you are in any relationship that feels "stuck", the examples in this book will teach you how to begin to empower yourself and make the choices necessary to begin to heal yourself and the relationship. You will learn how to set healthy boundaries, engage in conversations and call upon the innate courage and bravery in all of us ...more

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Feb 08, 2012

L rated it

Shelves: self-help

Normally, I find 'self-help' books a struggle to read and, even if they are informative, I am usually very glad to finish them as the reading is so dry. Not so with Harriet Lerner's books. Whatever book I am reading of hers is always my favorite. The Dance of Anger is excellent in addressing overfunctioning/underfunctioning roles. This book continues to deal with influencing change by focusing on yourself but deals more with understanding triangles. I have already downloaded another Harriet...more

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May 02, 2009

Erin rated it

I got this at a thrift store and thought it would be a cheesy chick book. But it's a great psychology book on dealing with conflict more effectively in every type of interaction, from alcoholism to ethnic differences among americans and how core family dynamics affect the way we are now and what makes us anxious. I feel like every example is right out of my life. Now if it would just get a less corny cover and title we'd be set.

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Feb 18, 2010

Angela rated it

Shelves: psychology

I liked Ms. Learner's "The Dance of Anger" so much that I had to read "The Dance of Intimacy" too! The two books are so similar that I would suggest only reading one unless you like the concepts so much that you want a refresher in a different form. Despite their similarity, I really enjoyed this book. We seem to interact in triangles meaning three people in many aspects of our lives and it prevents us from truly being intimate with one person at a time. It's a scary thou...more

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Sep 20, 2011

Hännah Marie rated it

Recommended to Hännah by: Therapist

For me, this book was mostly a reminder of what it is to be a strong person emotionally. It helps set boundaries for relationships while forcing you to acknowledge that some things are out of your control. It was helpful in the sense that it gave examples of discussions which weren't blaming others or criticizing them, which I do have issues with. It gave me reassurance that I know what is best for myself and it is my responsibility to take care of myself, not others. I did find it hard to relat...more

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Mar 03, 2010

Aerin rated it

Shelves: psychology

This book seemed to me that I was reading basic, common sense stuff that I felt like I knew all along, but just wasn't acknowledging! Very well written and easy to read. There are a lot of examples of how relationships can become dysfunctional and how to address them.

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Jan 09, 2009

Lisa rated it

Shelves: adult, self-help

This book was a re-hash of "Dance of Anger" there were some new bits of information, but I'd read Dance of Anger over this book.

If you are more interested in studying how to make a chart of your family and their issues- this is the book for you.

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Mar 19, 2011

Robin rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: 2011, therapy

A wee bit dated and a tad redundant if you've read her previous best seller The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships.

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Jan 26, 2009

Callie rated it

It was helpful at a certain time in my life when I was really seeking and trying to overcome insecurities and uncover my fears when it came to intimacy in my interpersonal relationships. I think it pointed me in the right direction.

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Feb 17, 2010

Whitney rated it

Despite my aversion to the self-help aisle, I read this on recommendation and it absolutely changed my way of thinking about my family relationships as well as my relationships with friends and significant others. Highly recommend!

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Jan 03, 2008

Marie rated it

Recommends it for: everyone

My counselor recommended I pick this one up. Initially I thought it was just about romantic relationships but it encompasses most family relationships and the focus is managing anxiety within those relationships. The author is repetitive on many points but the most important is establishing and growing an independent sense of self in order to most productively maneuver through the "dance" of intimacy. She uses many examples and clear language to describe the many ways in which we all m...more

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Feb 05, 2011

Athos rated it

This book gives perspective on "roles" one might be stuck in in close relationships, why it happens, and what to do to start to change things; the goal being better relationships and better self awareness. Really liked it and would highly recommend it.

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Sep 19, 2008

Ali rated it

Recommends it for: People looking to change any relationship dynamic

Recommended to Ali by: I'm a therapist...its already in my repetoire

Ms Lerner is a brilliant individual when it comes to Bowenian family therapy. It takes larger heady concepts and breaks it down into lay terms. The book was a great review for stuff I already know. It was the genograms (a technique used by a lot of social workers) that was my "ugh" moment. It was like she couldn't decide if it was going to be a text book or a self help book in the end, but that is coming from a professional critique. I would recommend this book for people who are ...more

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May 12, 2011

Michelle rated it

AWESOME!!! I think that if I didn't know when the book was written, I'd think she went into my journal and took out pages!!!

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Jan 25, 2010

Paulette rated it

A must-read (or listen) as I have it as an audio book...so true for women everywhere...

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Aug 12, 2009

Robin rated it

Yes, your relationships in your family of origin will come back to haunt you always.....

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Sep 30, 2009

Whitney rated it

Recommends it for: people who like self-help books, women

Shelves: personal-journey, self-discovery

I read this book during a trying time and it completely changed my life.

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Jan 15, 2012

Tanice Levits rated it

I love dancing and reading this just sooths me ;-)

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Jan 21, 2009

Marsha rated it

· review of another edition

Read this in conjunction with The Dance of Anger.

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Jan 28, 2009

Ann rated it

Passed this one on to Jason to send to his Mom.

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Dec 10, 2011

Olivia rated it

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I wish I could of read it 15 years ago! It is a life changer.

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