The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner

Nov 12, 2008 Kathrynn rated it 3 of 5 stars

Recommended to Kathrynn by: Ladiibbug

Shelves: own, 2008, reviewed, non-fiction-relationships, non-fiction-self-improvement

I think this author produced a well-thought out book. It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive, effective results.

There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn't spent much time on thi...more I think this author produced a well-thought out book. It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive, effective results.

There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn't spent much time on this, either. A case was presented in which a woman was not "allowed" to attend the author's anger workshop because her husband said no.

The author presented several "real cases" then proceeded to explain how she helped the person or persons work through their anger issues. There was a couple that had problem(s) with the husbands parents and the husband did not "deal" with the issue while the wife became more and more irate. Interesting way to handle it; however, I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the person related to "handle" his/her family, not the spouse.

There was a young (new) mother who had repeated conflicts with her over-controlling mother that escalated when the two mom's parenting styles clashed. I'm not sure I agree with how that was handled, either.

There was a couple that the wife thought their infant was not developing properly and the husband blew off her thoughts, which caused the wife to focus more intently on her point(s) and the husband to back further away. (This went on for almost a year!) I thought she made a good point in that when one pushes hard in a certain direction the other can often push even harder the opposite direction...however, it bugged me that she suggested that if the woman had waited until the man was more "receptive" (like after "snuggling", i.e., sex) then approached him with her concerns, he may have acted differently. (Yikes, timing is important, but dang!)

There was another couple that complained that the man was uninvolved in the family and the woman was too emotional and too involved in the children's lives. I did not care for her resolution here and thought she missed the boat completely by not suggesting the couple were and had grown apart and that they needed to work on their relationship and focus on reconnecting. As it was, the husband dreaded coming home for fear she would "hound" him about her day.

In any event, the author does open the door of thought to help guide disruptive anger. For me, there was not much that I haven't already figured out in my almost 50 years of age, but for someone younger or still struggling there may be some good suggestions found in this book about focusing on productive anger. I hoped it offered tidbits on helping bitter, angry people work through their issues and that wasn't between the pages of this read.

One thing worth mentioning that I had not realized: There isn't one unflattering term used to describe men who vent their anger at women. Women are called bitches, shrews, man-haters, witches, etc while men are called bastards, son of a bitch--words that still place the blame on his mother. (Well, how about that?)(less)

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Oct 18, 2008 Ladiibbug rated it 5 of 5 stars

** A Life Changing Book **

Read years ago. This book made a huge impact on my life, and changed my life dramatically for the better.

The Dance of Anger, recommended by a therapist, will show the reader how to express anger -- and deal with anger being directed toward you -- without yelling, screaming, name calling, etc.

This was literally the first clue I ever got about how to express anger in a calm way and to actually RESOLVE an issue, without constantly exploding over it, or being the "explodee"...more

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May 27, 2008 Khaya rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Bowen therapists; women who want to improve their family relationships

Recommended to Khaya by: Nechama Ginzberg

Shelves: professionallit

Wow. This was a really great book, one which I appreciated on both a personal and a professional level. Written in a deceptively simple self-help/pop psych style, this book had the advantages of being highly readable, practical, and almost entertaining, appealing to a lay audience. At the same time, this book was based on solid Bowen theory and was far from superficial or facile.

This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been helping me func...more Wow. This was a really great book, one which I appreciated on both a personal and a professional level. Written in a deceptively simple self-help/pop psych style, this book had the advantages of being highly readable, practical, and almost entertaining, appealing to a lay audience. At the same time, this book was based on solid Bowen theory and was far from superficial or facile.

This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been helping me function more effectively as a therapist. It has also been eye-opening for me in giving me a new way to look at many of the different relationships within my own family.

One minor difficulty I have with the book is that its thesis could potentially justify a lot of selfish behavior. The basic premise of the book (which I am greatly oversimplifying for the purposes of this review) is that people need to accept responsibility for their own behavior and reactions within a relationship, and work on changing those things rather than on changing the other person. Sounds good, right? But a corollary to that is not allowing someone with expectations of you to make you feel guilty, because their expectations are THEIR problem, not yours -- an attitude which might be taken too far.

Although Lerner attempted to provide a balanced view, I felt that her feminist agenda caused her to err on the side of empowering women to put their own needs first. For example, she described the case of a woman with a needy, demanding 72-year-old father. As a therapist, she helped this woman shift from complaining about her father's behavior to evaluating her own -- how could she set new limits with her father which would allow her to give to him without feeling resentful?

Happily, Katy's decision was one which I actually felt was reasonable -- she told her father she could only meet him for dinner twice a week instead of three times a week, and that she could shop for him once a week but not on an on-call basis. I liked the balance in this particular example; Katy didn't abdicate her responsibilities as a daughter; she simply found a way to continue giving that she could live with better. However, I felt that the idea of setting limits in a relationship was emphasized far more than the aspect of finding limits that allow you to continue giving.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand relationships better, and their own functioning in relationships. It's a quick, easy read but not a superficial one and great for discussion.

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Dec 11, 2007 Kathie M rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who feels like they're stuck and can stomach a self-help book

I know my friends are sick of hearing about her, but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru (from afar). I never really thought I'd read a self-help book(especially one on relationships, eek), but I've re-read this one three times at different points in my life. The books (there's a Dance series) are easy to read, her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives, and her advice is really sound. The basic premise is that if you're unha...more

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Feb 17, 2009 Angela rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology

This is a great book for anyone who's ever been, currently or will be angry with someone else. It will teach you how to better communicate your anger in more effective ways so that you can produce favorable results. In addition, it will teach you how to change your own behavior to influence someone else's behavior. Harriet's breakdown of the coveted triangle, where a third person becomes involved with a relationship between two other people, is helpful because it is applicable to everyone. Be wa...more

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Mar 07, 2008 Dana rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: get-over-it

Excellent book for women of all walks to read!! It's not what it sounds like. I know we all are programmed away from anger. Anger is BAAAAAAD, right? Well, this is one of Harriet Lerner's fabulous books that teaches women how to use our emotions in a positive way to get our needs met. It's a book about boundaries and using our anger...recognizing it as a gps system. Our anger is valid and it is always telling us something.

This is not a book about venting or blowing off steam. It's a book about...more

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Sep 08, 2012 Jude Arnold rated it 5 of 5 stars

The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner, Kindle Version
A BOOK REPORT BY REV. DR. JUDE ARNOLD
I was happy to find the eBook version of Dr. Lerner’s 1970’s classic. I’m finding writing my first review of an eBook much more challenging, tho. Dr. Lerner, a champion in women’s psychology, offers us this awesome self help around anger. I begin with the Epilogue in which Dr. Lerner talks about what she means by self help.
“’Defining a self’ or ‘becoming one’s own person’ is a task that one ultimately do...more The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner, Kindle Version
A BOOK REPORT BY REV. DR. JUDE ARNOLD
I was happy to find the eBook version of Dr. Lerner’s 1970’s classic. I’m finding writing my first review of an eBook much more challenging, tho. Dr. Lerner, a champion in women’s psychology, offers us this awesome self help around anger. I begin with the Epilogue in which Dr. Lerner talks about what she means by self help.
“’Defining a self’ or ‘becoming one’s own person’ is a task that one ultimately does alone….In the end, I define what I think, feel and believe….Yet, this lonely and challenging task cannot be accomplished in isolation. We can only accomplish it through our connectedness with others and the new learning about ourselves our relationships provide.”(Italics and Underlining throughout are Dr. Lerner’s.)
In her books Dr. Learner always stresses “the importance of learning about the experience of family members and sharing our own.” She also adds her belief that it’s “equally crucial for us to connect with the family of womankind….This book [is] about personal anger and personal change, but as feminism has taught us, ‘the personal is political.’ This means that there is a circular connection between the patterns of our intimate relationships and the degree to which women are represented, valued, and empowered in every aspect of society and culture.… “It is not sufficient for individual women to learn to move differently in personal relationships. If we do not also challenge and change the societal institutions that keep women in a subordinate and de-selfed position outside the home, what goes on inside the home will continue to be problematic for us all….Whether the problem we face is a marital battle or the escalating nuclear arms race, women and men both have a long legacy of blaming people rather than understanding patterns. Our challenge is to listen carefully to our own anger and use it in the service of change – while we hold tight to all that is valuable in our female heritage and tradition.”
Dr. Lerner wrote The Dance of Anger “to help readers not only identify the true sources of their anger, but also to learn how to change the patterns from which anger springs….The challenge of anger is at the heart of our struggle to achieve intimacy, self-esteem, and joy. Learning how to deal with it is worth the journey, even though there are no six-easy-steps to personal fulfillment and relationship bliss. The Dance of Anger teaches readers to understand how relationships operate and how to change our part in them. It encourages readers to go the hard route.”
Anger is a signal that “can motivate us to say ‘no’ to the ways in which we are defined by others and ‘yes’ to the dictates of our inner self. Women, however, have long been discouraged {and condemned} for the awareness and forthright expression of anger….The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse…. “Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism.” (I believe she refers, unfortunately, to the 1960’s here.)
“Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel – and certainly our anger is no exception….Our anger signals a problem, but provides us with no answers – not even a clue – as to how to solve it.” Dr. Lerner does not however advocate venting anger or letting it all hang out. “Feelings of depression, low self-esteem, self-betrayal, and even self-hatred are inevitable when we fight but continue to submit to unfair circumstances, when we complain but live in a way that betrays our hopes, values and potentials….Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.”
Dr. Lerner defines two styles of managing anger, the nice lady who avoids anger and conflict at all cost, and the bitch who is easily angered and fights with no constructive resolution. In reality, both these styles “serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity of self, and to ensure that change does not occur….Anger is inevitable when [nice ladies’] lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self….Nothing, but nothing, will block the awareness of anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt. Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others.” On the other hand, the nature of the hysterical bitch’s “fighting or angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook” protecting old familiar patterns as surely as does silence. The end result in both these styles is we end up feeling powerless. Our self-esteem suffers because we have not addressed the real issues causing our anger.
It is in our first family relationships that closeness often leads to stuckness. Dr. Lerner teaches us to use our anger energy to get unstuck in our stickiest relationships first, so these same issues will not fuel the fires in all of our other relationships. “The ability to use anger as a tool for change requires that we gain a deeper understanding and knowledge of how relationships operate….unresolved issues from our past inevitably surface in our current relationships.” We simply must learn to use our anger to change our own patterns of relating rather than blame and try to change other people.
Dr. Lerner identifies these four areas we need to learn to develop our skills and to use our anger as a tool for change in relationships: “1. We Can Learn to Tune In to the True Sources of Our Anger and Clarify Where We Stand. “2. We Can Learn Communications Skills. “3. We Can Learn to Observe and Interrupt Nonproductive Patterns of Interaction….We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern. “4. We Can Learn to Anticipate and Deal with Countermoves and ‘Change Back!’ Reactions from Others….In all families there is a powerful opposition to one member defining a more independent self…The powerful emotional counterforce (‘You’re wrong’; ‘Change back!’ ‘Or else….’) is predictable, understandable, and to some extent, universal.”
Dr. Lerner adds, “It is never easy to move away from silent submission or ineffective fighting toward a calm but firm assertion of who we are, where we stand, what we want, and what is and is not acceptable to us….Not only can we acquire new ways of managing old angers; we can also gain a clearer and stronger ‘I’ and with it, the capacity for a more intimate and gratifying ‘we.’ Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self. This book is about having both…..If two people become one, a separation can feel like a psychological or a physical death. We may have nothing – not even a self to fall back on – when an important relationships ends. We all need to have both an ‘I’ and a ‘we’ that nourish and give meaning to each other….The more we carve out a clear and separate ‘I’, the more we can experience and enjoy both intimacy and aloneness.”
Dr. Lerner demonstrates that all, and especially romantic, relationships can be like a seesaw; “the underfunctioning of one individual allows for the overfunctioning of the other….The more the man [i.e.] avoids sharing his own weaknesses, neediness, and vulnerability, the more his woman may experience and express more than her share. The more the woman avoids showing her competence and strength, the more her man will have an inflated sense of his own. And if the underfunctioning partner starts looking better, the overfunctioning partner will start looking worse….If the woman is further convinced that she herself cannot survive without the relationship, she will vent her anger in a manner that only reinforces the old familiar patterns from which her anger stems…. “Whenever one person makes a move to rebalance the seesaw, there is a countermove by the other party. There are few things more anxiety-arousing than shifting to a higher level of self-assertion and separateness in an important relationship and maintaining the position despite the countermoves of the other person....Countermoves are the other person’s unconscious attempt to restore a relationship to its previous balance or equilibrium, when anxiety about separateness and change gets too high….What matters is the degree to which we are able to take a clear position in a relationship and behave in ways that are congruent with our stated beliefs….The woman who sits at the bottom of a seesaw marriage accumulates a great amount of rage, which is in direct proportion to the degree of her submission and sacrifice….Sometimes, to develop a stronger ‘I’ is to come to terms with our deep-seated wish to leave an unsatisfactory marriage and this possibility may be no less frightening than the fear of being left.”
Dr. Learners covers the subject of triangles in great depth. “Identifying the real issues is not an easy matter. It is particularly difficult among family members because when two adults have a conflict, they often bring in a third party to form a triangle, which then makes it even harder for the two people involved to identify and work out their problems…. Underground issues from one relationship or context invariably fuel our fires in another.” We detour “feelings of anger from one person to another….We reduce anxiety in one relationship by focusing on a third party, who we unconsciously pull into the situation to lower the emotional intensity in the original pair. Triangles can become rigidly entrenched blocking the growth of the individuals in them and keeping us from identifying the actual sources of conflict in our relationships….Triangles greatly increase the probability of escalating aggression….The three essential ingredients of extricating oneself from a triangle are: staying calm, staying out, and hanging in.” It is never helpful to anyone to gossip or talk about a third party. “In the best of all possible worlds we might envision separate person-to-person relationships with our friends, coworkers, and family members that were not excessively influenced by other relationships.”
Most of us put our anger energy into trying to change the other person. This, Dr. Lerner repeatedly exclaims, is impossible. We “secretly believe that we have the corner on the ‘truth’ and that this would be a much better world if everyone else believed and reacted exactly as we do. But one of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is to recognize the validity of multiple realities and to understand that people think, feel, and react differently.” Closeness does not mean sameness. “We have a right to everything we think and feel – and so does everyone else. It is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to…. We are able to move away from ineffective fighting only when we give up the fantasy that we can change or control another person. It is only then that we can reclaim the power that is truly ours – the power to change our own selves and take new and different actions on our own behalf.”
Dr. Lerner gives example after example illustrating these same basic lessons: “First, ‘letting it all hang out’ may not be helpful because venting anger may protect rather than challenge the old rules and patterns in a relationship. Second, the only person we can change and control is our own self. Third, changing our own self can feel so threatening and difficult that it is often easier to continue an old pattern of silent withdrawal or ineffective fighting and blaming. And, finally, de-selfing is at the heart of our most serious anger problems.”
“Even rats in a maze learn to vary their behavior if they keep hitting a dead end. Why in the world, then, do we behave less intelligently than laboratory animals? Repeating the same old fights protects us from the anxieties we are bound to experience when we make a change….Human nature is such that when we are angry, we tend to become so emotionally reactive to what the other person is doing to us that we lose our ability to observe our own part in the interaction….Self-observation is the process of seeing the interaction of ourselves and others, and recognizing that the ways other people behave with us has something to do with the way we behave with them.” The form of this circular dance is universal in which the behavior of each serves “to maintain and provoke the other. Once a part of an established twosome - married or unmarried, lesbian or straight – the more each person tries to change things, the more things stay the same.”
I am beginning to understand how my interaction had become a circular dance in which my behavior maintained and provoked behavior in my significant other. “In the final analysis it matters little who started it…. A good way to make this break is to recognize the part we play in maintaining and provoking the other person’s behavior. Even if we are convinced that the other person is ninety-seven percent to blame we are still in control of changing our three percent.” Bottom line – “We do not have the power to change another person who does not want to change, and our attempts to do so may actually protect him or her from change. This is the paradox of the circular dances in which we all participate.”
“Opposites do attract, but they do not always live happily ever after. On the one hand, it is reassuring to live with someone who will express parts of one’s own self that one is afraid to acknowledge; yet, the arrangement has its inevitable costs: The woman [i.e.]who is expressing feelings not only for herself but also for her husband will indeed end up behaving ‘hysterically’ and ‘irrationally.’ The man who relies on his wife to do the ‘feeling work’ for him will increasingly lose touch with this important part of himself, “and when the time comes that he needs to draw upon his emotional resources, he may find that nobody’s at home….This is the ‘masculinity’ that our society breeds – the male who feels at home in the world of things and abstract ideas but who has little empathic connection to others , little attunement to his own internal world, and little willingness or capacity to ‘hang in’ when a relationship becomes conflicted and stressful… . Doing the ‘feeling work’ like cleaning up has long been defined as ‘woman’s work’, and lots of women are good at it. As with cleaning up, men will not begin to do their shares until women no longer do it for them.”
“When a woman vents her anger ineffectively or expresses it in an overemotional style, she does not threaten her man. If anything she helps him maintain his masculine cool, while she herself is perceived as infantile or irrational. When a woman clarifies the issue and uses her anger to move toward something new and different, the change occurs. If she stops over-functioning [overinvolvement] for others and starts acting for herself, her underfunctioning [underinvolvement] man is likely to acknowledge and deal with his own anxieties.”
Dr. Lerner goes on to identify two other types of dancers: “Emotional pursuers are persons who reduce their anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. Emotional distancers are persons who reduce their anxiety by intellectualizing and withdrawing.” No matter the problem, these two styles of responding to stress eventually become at odds. The common outcome of this classic scenario is that “after the escalating dance of pursuit and withdrawal proceeds for some time, the woman [most often the pursuer] goes into what therapists call ‘reactive distance’, which only temporarily reverses the pursuit cycle or has little effect at all….When a pursuer stops pursuing and begins to put her energy back into her own life – without distancing or expressing anger at the other person – the circular dance has been broken….A relationship becomes more ‘true’ and balanced as the pursuer can allow herself to acknowledge and express more of her own wish for independence and space, and in turn, the distancer can begin to acknowledge more of his dependency and wish for closeness.”
She repeats again, “Changing another person is a solution that never, ever works.” The power that is ours is only and always the power to change our own self. The only real power we have is the power to act and make choices. However, to try to change the other person is usually the first thing we do with our anger. The second thing we do is cut ourselves off either emotionally or geographically. Such distancing does bring short-term relief but there are long term costs – “the unresolved emotional intensity is likely to get played out in other important relationships….When emotional intensity is high in a family, most of us put the entire responsibility for poor communication on the other person….Always, we perceive that it is the other who prevents us from speaking and keeps the relationship from changing. We disown our own part in the interactions we complain of and, with it, our power to bring about a change.”
OK! What do we do instead of trying to change the other person or their thoughts and feelings? We clearly state our beliefs and convictions and we stand behind them. This includes identifying within ourselves the true source of our anger, usually our independence from that person. As we become less scared and guilty about showing our own strong and separate selves, in a mature and responsible fashion, we become more ready to make a change in the relationship, a change to being a separate and different person with our own unique way of being in the world. With this change comes the experience of separation anxiety, most often “based on an underlying discomfort with separateness and individuality that has its roots in our early family experience, where the unspoken expectation may have been that we keep a lid on our expressions of self.”
“Hit and Run confrontation does not lead to lasting change…. If serious about change, she must show for her own sake as well as the other that at last she is declaring her separateness and independence, but she is not declaring a lack of caring or closeness. Independence means that we clearly define our own selves on emotionally important issues, but it does not mean emotional distance….(See more under my writing!)(less)

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Mar 10, 2011 Angie rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book has been quoted to me for many years and my boss recently recommended it.

It is one of the first self help books on the topic and it took years of rejection for Harriet Lerner to get it published. While it is targeted to women, it applies to everyone.

I liked the opportunity to use anger to define self and I appreciated the context of societal roles by gender even though I tend to be more "masculine" in my expression of anger.

The best part about the book is the simple how-to examples o...more

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Apr 14, 2009 Chris rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great book and a worthwhile read for women and men. From my own experience, I was battling my ex for over a year to get our divorce settled. After I read the book, I changed my approach from being more emotional and pursuing, to being more cool and detached. Within 3 weeks, we had our divorce settlement finalized and signed by lawyers. Why? Because the book taught me that if I want the opposite reaction of my partner, I had to do the opposite of what she was doing. And it worked perfectly!

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Jun 22, 2012 Jess rated it 5 of 5 stars

When I started reading this, I couldn't put it down. I would recommend this book to pretty much everyone I meet.

Women reading this book will be shocked to find themselves described in the scenarios and behavioral patterns Harriet Lerner outlines throughout the book. Lerner does a fantastic job at including scenarios that are relevant to everyone, no matter how old they are or whether they are married, single, dating or etc. And better still, she tailors her method to account for all of the uniq...more

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Aug 23, 2012 Rubina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: personal-development

A fitting title for a book on anger management...how often we are led into a "dance" when we get angry. This is especially so for women as who have long been discouraged from forthright expression of anger. Ingrained from a young age to be nurturers and peacemakers, direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike and unfeminine. This book, written with the perspective of women in view, helps us to identify our negotiating style - are we pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners,...more

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Aug 11, 2009 Rebecca rated it 5 of 5 stars

I read Dance of Anger as soon as I finished Dance of Intimacy. The lessons of each book are the same, just with different examples and a slightly different focus. I gave both books five stars because I like the subject so much and I think Lerner does a great job of clearly explaining how to practically apply the concepts.

I LOVE and embrace the concepts of patterns in relationships, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, family systems and triangles. The most powerful message I took from these books...more

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Jul 13, 2012 Petef rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology, self-help

Harriet Lerner is a clinical psychologist, one of the US’s foremost relationship experts and an author who has ‘dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose’. Her 1985 classic The Dance of Anger is one of those books that I wish I had read years and years ago. As someone who has had my fair share of ‘anger issues’ over the years, I could really have used her calm advice on how to use anger in a productive way to improve my relationships.

This is the op...more

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Apr 04, 2013 Jen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Like another reviewer said I wish I had found this book 20 years ago. It nailed my issues (some of them anyway). It was a revelation, but one I'm still not sure how to act on. Thankfully I have a professional helper.

The reason I didn't give it 5 stars is that it isolates this one issue to the point that I'm left wondering what I do with people who aren't capable of having a healthy relationship? What if the person you're talking to doesn't want to interact like mentally stable adults? What if t...more

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Apr 25, 2009 Rebecca rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Rebecca by: Daniel

constantly re-reading this one since 2004.

seriously. this is a great book to keep on your bookshelves amongst literary fiction and a few aesthetically pleasing picture books...it really makes people do a double-take. ...even though they'd never admit it.
I actually love how awfully self-help this book looks.

If you get in fights with your mother--or your partner--or strangers (and maybe sometimes the fights stay in your head)...this is the book for you.

If I were a dancer I'd totally choreograph T...more

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Sep 13, 2012 Debby rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Anger is a great revealer of...there's a problem here! If you deal with anger, either as an under-reactor, an over-reactor or somewhere in the middle, and that it's always somebody else's fault or always your fault, I think you'll find this book very insightful and informative.
Reading Dance of Anger helped shine some light on the a problem I've had since I was a kid and cleared away some fog of denial and helped me see some things about myself and my emotional history more clearly; especially w...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Jeremy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: relationships

Helpful book. Guys may be turned off due to the subtitle: "A Woman's Guide...", but Lerner's principles aptly apply to men too. Also, anger may be the topic, but a healthier relationship is the goal. She helps break down how anger, instead of causing endless cycles of frustration, can be used as a tool to deepen our relationships with loved ones and to better understand our true selves.

Some stuff Lerner discusses: misconceptions of anger (ch 1); marital discord and breaking the cycle (ch 3; also...more

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Mar 02, 2011 Kassandra rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Self help books normally make me want to vomit. Or at least squirm uncomfortably. This book I can honestly recommend without reserve. It gives real and practical advice on conflict. I think that the title is some what misleading as you don't have to have a problem with anger to get something out of this book. It sort of addresses that when she talks about how there are people who express anger externally and those who internalize. Either way, this book is very readable and gave me a lot of insig...more

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Mar 03, 2010 Aerin rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology

I read this after Dance of Intimacy, and they are somewhat similar. However. I do think this one focuses more on the feelings of anger and how we react to them. As with "Intimacy", I think it is useful for both men and women. When I first saw this book, even though I read and loved Intimacy, I thought, "Anger? I don't need this book, I'm not an angry person." But, was I wrong. This book addresses both extremes, as well as states in between: giving into anger and emotion, or squashing it because...more

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Jan 21, 2013 Victoria rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

I was hoping this book would be similar to Lerner's The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships, which I read several years ago and loved. The ambiguous and misleading title ("intimacy"?) has proved unhelpful as far as recommending it to friends who might benefit from it, though, so I thought this book might be a better option.

Unfortunately, Anger falls short of quite how excellent Intimacy is--or maybe it's me and the place I'm at now versus where I...more

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Oct 27, 2012 Ruby_blue rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who's ever felt stepped on or resentful

Shelves: s-m-r-t-books

This book was revolutionary for me! Like many people, I was taught that anger is not an "acceptable" emotion. When a psychologist friend recommended this book, I was expecting some sappy self-help tome. Instead, it gave me the basics, it explained scenarios clearly, discussed boundaries and gave me a clear starting point. I have underlined and post-it noted this book all the way through and expect I will read it another dozen times. Sometimes it just takes someone else, like Lerner, to lay it ou...more

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Jun 06, 2010 Meggen S rated it 5 of 5 stars

I like reading books that give me some perspective. I would probably never pick this book up since I'm weary of any type of "self-help" book. Luckily it was recommended to me because I have been eating up chunks of this book up at a time. It reads like a friend/mentor talking to you about the dynamics of anger in intimate relationships (sibling, parent, child, spouse, etc.) - particularly from a woman's perspective. It's not so much a book about managing your anger, but understanding it. I'm lea...more

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Feb 10, 2011 Olivia rated it 5 of 5 stars

I honestly don't know why no one ever recommended this book to me before now, it was copywrited in 1985 for pete's sake, and it's unbelievably life altering. It has changed my whole look on Anger and how to use it for change. It has brought so much peace in my life and my only complaint is that I didn't read it sooner.

I realize now my anger stems for over-functioning for everyone around me. And it wasn't until this book that I realized my part in this. And now I know change is possible because I...more

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Jul 27, 2012 Jemma rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: own-a-copy, 2012

'The Dance of Anger' took me many months to finish, not because it was uninteresting or irrelevant, but because its content can be somewhat challenging to digest. The book works through eight chapters, each examining a different type of relationship and the "dance" of issues circulating through each. Harriet Lerner looks at relationships with mothers, partners, work-colleagues, and families, and as I read, I felt that I could identify with more than one of the example situations.

Even though firs...more

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May 28, 2012 Robin rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2011, therapy, 2012

2012 Review: I stick by my first impressions of this book. It has opened my eyes to the way I've denied my anger has only served to hurt me. I always come back to this book as it seems to be one of the rare books on anger that doesn't just focus on people with out of control anger but addresses those of us who were conditioned to feel guilt and shame if anger arises.

2011 Review: I've been reading a lot of books for therapy and gleaning little bits here and there that were semi-applicable to my l...more

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Oct 25, 2009 Skylar Burris rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, marriage, sociology, feminism, psychology

I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church. When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin, I felt reluctant. I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles, that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry. I was not eager to hear this message, as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced, but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind. The rector, however, said nothing of anger being either bad or good; he said, rat...more I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church. When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin, I felt reluctant. I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles, that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry. I was not eager to hear this message, as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced, but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind. The rector, however, said nothing of anger being either bad or good; he said, rather, that our anger reveals what we truly value. We become angry, he observed, when something happens that does not match up with the way we think the world SHOULD be. This insight remained in the back of my mind as I read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Anger.”

Anger, says Learner, is neither bad or good: it simply IS. But our expression of anger can be – and often is — ineffectual. We become engaged in a “dance of anger” with our spouses, parents, children, co-workers, and others rather than using that energy to clearly define our values and take action to get for ourselves what we need. We tend, she says, to “see people rather than patterns as the problem.” To break ineffective patterns, which are often perpetuated by the way we either express or repress our anger, we need instead to use our anger to affect change. Rather than wasting our energy trying to change the opinions and values and actions of other people, over which we have no actual control, we should use our energy to clearly determine and state our own values and what action we will take on our own behalf to resolve our own problems. (The objective is not to be manipulative, however.) We also need to identify the true (and sometimes multiple) sources of our anger so that it is not misplaced. This requires changing old, familiar patterns in relationships and can therefore be difficult or frightening for any or all parties involved.

Much in “The Dance of Anger” resonated with me, and the basic premise is useful, but I was initially put off by the feminist thrust of the opening pages. Dr. Lerner seemed to define expressions of anger more in terms of sex roles, societal oppression of women, and the like rather than in terms of individual personality and life circumstances, which seems to me to have as much to do with how people express (or repress) anger as gender does. Indeed, I think (in romantic relationships, at least) that perhaps men just as often fail to admit their anger and resentment for fear of jeopardizing a relationship as do women.

It was ironic to read Lerner’s suggestion that it’s not useful to worry about who is to blame for a given situation, and then later to read her response to a question in a particular situation: “Was Melisa, then, the cause of the problem? Of course not. If Melissa had been in an institution where women were truly empowered and where she, as a female, was not a numerically scarce commodity at the top, her behavior would have been quite different. In fact, research indicates that women who hold positions of authority in male-dominated settings are not able to clearly define their own selves…” These sorts of mini feminist rants, even when I didn’t disagree with them, occasionally distracted me from the author’s overall thesis. Fortunately, they are brief and widely dispersed.

Another caution I have is that she speaks a lot of “deselfing,” and although I certainly think this sort of thing does go on for women (and yes, even sometimes men too!), there is a fine line here that must be walked, between refusing to “deself” one’s self and simply being SELFISH. And that’s a line that can be very blurry for a lot of people, myself included. I think Dr. Learner’s advice may have a tendency to push some women over onto the selfish side of that line. In her outlook, there is very little moral judgment necessary. Feelings just are, and women just need to figure out what’s best for them, personally, and take action to resolve their own problems and satisfy their own needs. “Maybe I am selfish, but…” seems to be a refrain. Really, what’s wrong with taking the time to contemplate whether or not our guilt is, in fact, telling us we’re being selfish, rather than simply overcoming it and moving on to realize our needs for ourselves? And if we can really learn to live with our feelings of guilt in order to fulfill our needs, couldn’t we just as easily learn to live with our feelings of anger and resentment in order to fulfill the needs of other people? And, if so, which SHOULD we do? I don’t think these sorts of questions can be so easily dismissed.

Perhaps the guilt/anger dilemma is so difficult for me because of my religious background. Christianity emphasizes not just sins of action but sins of the heart. “You have heard it said, don’t commit adultery, but I say, don’t even lust. You have heard it said, don’t murder, but I say, don’t even be angry with your brother without a cause.” And so forth. It’s not that Christianity claims anger itself is wrong (rather, “Be angry, yet sin not,”), it’s just that it’s sometimes difficult for me to tell when anger morphs into sinful expressions of anger, or when anger is justified and when it is “without a cause.” So I found this book quite fascinating because, given my religious confusion, the “dance of anger” has been a particularly difficult issue for me. Selflessnes (some might even go so far as to say something not terribly unlike “deselfing”) and peace are both seen as virtues in Christianity, and yet, there also exists the traditional Christian concept of the virtue of righteous anger (a concept perhaps too much de-emphasized in modern times). What Learner did for me in this book was to focus my mind on a different and probably more useful question: not, is my anger GOOD or BAD, but, rather, is my anger ACCOMPLISHING anything positive? And, if not, how can I USE it to accomplish something positive? This, I felt, was a helpful mental re-direction for me.
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May 30, 2009 Izlinda rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: communication, psychology

Well, I ended up reading the 1985 edition since it's one of three books in a collection by Harriet Lerner, and it was published in 2003. Maybe the 2005 edition is more updated in terms of scenarios or language or something more than a new introduction. I don't know.

Some of the language here is a bit...formal. And I suppose cheesy, when the woman is putting forth into action how to state her problem and change the dance. But then I think back to when I try to express myself with my boyfriend and...more

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Nov 27, 2007 Maggie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

i first read this book in 1995 and have just re-read it: it holds. very helpful on gaining perspective. i could also see how better i am at employing these suggestions and where i might do well to keep finer details in view in order to work on them productively. [8 june 2010]

third reading: 12-14 september 2012 -- i noticed my vast improvement in this important area of not letting anger control my life but rather act as a signal when something is not right for me. in my closest personal relations...more i first read this book in 1995 and have just re-read it: it holds. very helpful on gaining perspective. i could also see how better i am at employing these suggestions and where i might do well to keep finer details in view in order to work on them productively. [8 june 2010]

third reading: 12-14 september 2012 -- i noticed my vast improvement in this important area of not letting anger control my life but rather act as a signal when something is not right for me. in my closest personal relationship, for some time now, i have been acknowledging -- first to myself and then to him -- that we are closely connected and that compromise is often the best choice but that on the other hand i must accept my personal and differing responsibility for my own way of thinking, living, and being. the give and take is now the norm instead of push and pull spiced with uproars which was the previous norm and not satisfying for me at all. so in that area i am much better using anger as a signal rather than as an outlet for powerlessness.

my current most immediate concern is my hovering relationship with my adult children. harriet lerner in this book reminds me (and i heard it more surprisingly this time 'round) that my adult children have roots but they also have a responsibility for being separate from me or from their roots. it's a balance act not a choice between one or the other. both matter. and their decisions are theirs. not mine. which is obvious to folks who do not have this blurring picture between devoted mother and delightful child who happens also to be an adult. so to learn to speak to each of them of my concerns but to be supportive of them as well as to encourage them to stand on their own two feet and make their decisions is the current anxiety (a variation of worry i suppose) that i am now working on. if asked, i respectfully offer my view as my opinion or even as possible insight. if not asked, i remain quiet but watchful but from a distance. i still have a tendency to rescue and i am sure that two of my five know this well. but i am slowly trying to withdraw from that reactive position and allow them to firm up their own responsible choices and its accompanying consequences ... just like i did and as my mother did for me (only she was immediate on this dime whereas i'm trying to compensate for my own very negative experience with her in this area by staying too long at the party of concern and rescue for my own children.) (less)

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May 18, 2013 Ashlee is currently reading it

When my therapist recommended I read this I thought he was telling me I have anger issues and I was a little upset (angry ;-)) is he trying to say everything is my fault?
Um.... No. Quite the opposite so far, this is about owning how you feel and how difficult that can be for women in particular. So here I go...looking for clarity.
One interesting point so far: there are numerous terms used to describe women who express their anger at men but not even one for men who are angry at women...

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May 24, 2012 Deborah Day rated it 4 of 5 stars

The is a staple book I recommend for all women. I actually can't remember when I originally read this. Even though times have changed (so they say) for women, this book helps us improve our communication in many relationships in our lives. It reminds us that it is ok to be assertive and that we aren't "bitches" for doing so. This is an easy to read and simple to understand book. Great starter book to open you open to exploring your communication and relationship patterns.

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