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Back When We Were Grownups

3.46 of 5 stars 3.46 · rating details · 8,892 ratings · 744 reviews

"Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered that she had turned into the wrong person." So Anne Tyler opens this irresistible new novel.

The woman is Rebecca Davitch, a fifty-three-year-old grandmother. Is she an impostor in her own life? she asks herself. Is it indeed her own life? Or is it someone else’s?

On the surface, Beck, as she is known to the Davitch clan, i...more

Paperback, 336 pages

Published October 26th 2004 by Ballantine Books (first published 2001)

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Mar 21, 2008 ANGELA rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I can see how some would think this book doesnt live up to its potential- but i think thats the whole point and they are missing the point,as well as Anne Tyler's genius. Anne Tyler purposefully captures the lives of people who seemingly may not live up to their potential- alot of her themes are based on how in life things hardly ever turn out how we think they should- and that this is not necessarily bad or good its just the way it is...I think the beauty of this book is that Rebecca doesnt go...more

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Aug 20, 2007 Mark rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction

I have only read about three of Anne's books, but in each case, I ended up feeling that she had delved deeply into my heart with lessons about life, loss, love, courage and joy, while making it seem almost effortless. This novel is no exception. The story of a woman who fears she has lost her true self, only to discover that she has been living the life she deserved all along, is just wonderful.

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Jan 29, 2008 Megan Simper rated it 3 of 5 stars

I've known for a while now that my life will turn out to be nothing like what I thought (and currently think) it will be. Being in my early twenties betrays me as merely knowing this in theory, and I'm sure several more levels of heady realization will hit me as I age. But reading this book was a valuable experience because it made me think about the fact that at some point, I will look at my life and think: "I didn't choose this," and possibly resent it. Rebecca was thrust into a lifestyle that...more

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Aug 27, 2007 Kristine rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: middle-aged women who hate themselves

why did i finish this? why do i do that to myself - finish books that have no chance of improving? i bought this because it was marked down to like $5 and i have heard that anne tyler is a beautiful writer and i like the cover (trite, but i do). i didn't like the first 20 pages, so what compelled me to finish is beyond me, but i hated the characters, the characters' names (all cutesy nicknames like poppy, no no, bitsy, the non-chinese min foo, jeep, patch, etc), the protagonist, and how boring t...more

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Jan 31, 2010 Hayes rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: bc-bookring, read-in-2010

3.5*

Opening line: Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.

The point of the book being that she hadn't turned into the wrong person, but it takes a long time to get her to that realization. The journey passes through lots of dysfunction, craziness, and extended family mayhem (that reminded me of my own crazy extended family).

I can see where this might not appeal--all the women characters have really stupid names, but I suppose it is typical of the t...more

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Jan 02, 2008 Cynthia rated it 3 of 5 stars

Probably one of the most memorable openings, "Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person," I've read in a long time. Yet I didn't feel the novel lived up to the full potential of this opening sentence. I kept expecting Rebecca to go through some life changes, to be happier in the end. A new job, interest, travel, friends, love, whatever...instead she just concentrates on love--her first boyfriend Will. But the novel doesn't even continue in this direc...more

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Nov 25, 2007 Johnsergeant rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: audiblecom, audiobook

Downloaded from Audible.com

Narrator: Blair Brown
Publisher: Random House AudioBooks, 2001
Length: 9 hours

Publisher's Summary
"Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered that she had turned into the wrong person." So Anne Tyler opens this irresistible novel.

The woman is Rebecca Davitch, a 53-year-old grandmother. Is she an imposter in her own life? she asks herself. Is it indeed her own life? Or is it someone else's?

On the surface, Beck, as she is known, is outgoing, joyous, a natural celebr...more

2 likes · like · see review

Nov 15, 2008 Bev rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: audio-version

This is vintage Ann Tyler, with quirky characters you cannot help but grow fond of and many humorous moments amidst the everyday, ordinary events and conversations of life. As several people mentioned, this book has a fantastic opening line:

"Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person."

I feel that way sometimes, so I could easily relate to the main character, Rebecca (whom everyone calls "Beck" even though she does not want them to), but the story neve...more

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Aug 21, 2007 Kristin rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is a beautiful book about a large crazy family that a woman doesn't feel a part of, but is. I don't know if I fell for it especially because I'm all the way here in Berlin so the idea of a messy family constantly stopping in to ask favors and for advice is welcome when a bit lonely and missing my own family or if it was the dream the main character has of being on a train with a beautiful son, the type that is scholarly and kind and a little unsociable and, or if it was my identification wi...more

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Apr 10, 2008 Yvonne rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: fiction

This is a beautifully crafted book. Ann Tyler is a wonderful writer. But, her story though humane is one of melancholy and longing for things that might have been but are not. They are not because the protagonist made a life changing choice at the age of twenty and for thirty three years did not look back. Then she begins to wonder who she really is. The load of work and changing and doing the things that have to be done took over her life. At fifty three she realizes that she is a completely di...more

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Mar 28, 2008 Shauna rated it 3 of 5 stars

Man, I'm kind of ashamed to be popping back up on the Goodreads after a hiatus with this book, which I chose among others free from a friend who moved back to Australia last fall. I think I had Annie Dillard in my head instead of Anne Tyler. Still haven't read Annie Dillard, but I'm guessing it's a big difference. Biiiiig difference.

But this is turning out to be a guilty pleasure. Woman has complicated family, is widowed, life begins anew in middle age. It's seeming more and more like I won't wa...more

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May 20, 2013 Stacy rated it 3 of 5 stars

There were many things to like. Who hasn’t thought about the turning points that have led them to where they are today? And what if we had made a different choice here or there, would we be the same person? I loved her apprehension at contracting her old boyfriend. Caller ID has totally ruined hang ups! And I loved the 100-year-old uncle that she inherited. He was a riot and a real bright spot in the book for me.

There were some aspects that left this book a little flat for me. As much as I enjoy...more

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Mar 06, 2013 Grace Kelley rated it 3 of 5 stars

I'm not going to start this review by quoting the book. I just feel like there are so many people who have quoted the first sentence that some people might get tired of seeing it over and over again.

After reading a couple reviews to refresh my memories, I can now give a review of Back When We Were Grownups, lets go.

So, the main problem that I had with the book is the un-supportive cast behind Rebecca, by which I mean her daughter and step daughters. Those four were the worst characters in the...more I'm not going to start this review by quoting the book. I just feel like there are so many people who have quoted the first sentence that some people might get tired of seeing it over and over again.

After reading a couple reviews to refresh my memories, I can now give a review of Back When We Were Grownups, lets go.

So, the main problem that I had with the book is the un-supportive cast behind Rebecca, by which I mean her daughter and step daughters. Those four were the worst characters in the book. a bunch of rude, whiny, ungrateful people who treated Rebecca like crap (Patch was my least favorite. I found myself wishing that Rebecca would stand up to her or at least make her feel remorseful for her cruel and insensitive behavior.) I didn't feel close to any of them, nor did I wish anything good for them, except to appreciate Rebecca. The poor woman spent her life taking care of those girls when she could have easily left them with their real mother, so that was the least they could do.

Why I think I never got close to the daughters or understood their treatment of Rebecca is because they weren't explained from anyone's point of view but Rebecca's, and that's a problem. When certain characters are only portrayed certain ways without their own say in how they act the way they do, you cannot become emotionally invested in them because you have no reason too.

And the only problem that I have with the nickname thing is why, why, why would you call a character "Min Foo" when she isn't even Asian? It's like calling a white girl with a dark tan La-quesha and having it stick as a nickname. It's stupid and has no purpose.

The other thing that I didn't get was why Rebecca broke up with Will at the end, sure he wasn't exactly like she remembered, but she was very emotionally invested in the guy when she was younger and at first didn't notice his flaws, love is a bright light shining in your face, it blinds you to the other person and you don't see any red flags because you want to see them as a prince or princess, utterly flawless.

So I get to the end of the book and feeling unsatisfied, look and the "Reader's Guide" Questions in the back of the book. One question that catches my eye is "Rebecca's treatment of Will- rejecting him for a second time after inviting him into her life-could be considered cruel. Do you agree?" Her answer in a nutshell is that it would be "more painful" if Rebecca had stayed with Will. My question is, for who? She doesn't elaborate, she just gives us that cryptic statement as an answer and expects it to be enough for us.

I thought that they had a great relationship going, the breakup caught me off guard and I was thinking "Rebecca, what the hell are you doing?!" The breakup is so sudden and I really didn't understand her reasoning behind it. Well, I say that isn't enough, both in the story and to the previously stated question. I want to know who would it be painful for. Rebecca, because their relationship will be all about the life she could have had, Will for a similar reason, or was it just a ploy by Ms. Tyler, because without this twist, she might not have been able to find another way to end the book to her liking.

The question below that asked about Zeb and Rebecca's relationship. The author answered that Zeb and Rebecca would get married, someday. I didn't know whether or not to be happy, because I wasn't. I honestly thought she would be happy with Will. That part of her journey was to fall back in love with Will and have things work out between them, not marry her husband's brother. (I haven't read this book in a couple months so I may be wrong about that information.

And the end of the book, she's looking at herself in a movie and then it ends. It was like I was eating a cake, and just as I was two bites into it, the cake was taken away from me, even though I was still hungry for more. I thought what other people thought, that Rebecca would somehow make a great big change in her life and that she would become a daring and original person instead of staying the same weak person she always was, she could have at least have grown a spine and told off the fearsome four (the daughters).

I've read another book where the main character is a fifty something year old woman and she actually changes her life, not for her, but for her daughters as well. I loved it. I related to the youngest daughter the most and became well invested in the character's lives. It was a really great book and I am glad that I read it, I think I'll review it next.(less)

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Nov 25, 2011 Andy Quan rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I've read a few Anne Tyler novels, way back when, and obviously liked them enough to keep returning to them. She creates memorable, fully-dimensional characters and writes with wry observation of modern life and a hopefulness, a key theme about learning to accept the life that we are given. As a young man, and I think I read all of her novels in my early, perhaps mid-twenties, I think I would have found this appealing, that we age and whatever complicated circumstances or tragedies that we under...more I've read a few Anne Tyler novels, way back when, and obviously liked them enough to keep returning to them. She creates memorable, fully-dimensional characters and writes with wry observation of modern life and a hopefulness, a key theme about learning to accept the life that we are given. As a young man, and I think I read all of her novels in my early, perhaps mid-twenties, I think I would have found this appealing, that we age and whatever complicated circumstances or tragedies that we undergo, we find ways to keep breathing.

But I'm not sure whether this book was somewhat weak, or whether I've grown out of Anne Tyler. Rebecca, a 53-year old grandmother and party-planner, has somewhat of a minor crisis, though not one that anyone in her family notices. She wonders what happened to the girl she was, and what would have happened if she had married her college fiancé rather than the man she left him for, inheriting a ready-made family of three step-daughters to which she added a daughter of her own. Not much happens in the book. She visits her mother. She goes to a special day at her step-grandson's school. She organises her uncle's 100th birthday party. Through the story, we learn the details of her life. The largest narrative arc is her getting back in touch with her old boyfriend, and then their subsequent meetings.

However, there is a likeability problem. Rebecca doubts herself constantly. She fusses and frets. Sometimes a sharper humour emerges, but she's generally a martyr, playing a role, and helping everyone around her. Her daughters, and their various husbands and children, circle around. The daughters are quirky, but after the first character descriptions, the jokes don't deepen (Biddy, the caterer, makes inedible food that is too fancy for anyone's taste). And they're vile. They bicker with each other, at their step-mother, and say insensitive things. Her uncle is more amusing and sweet, as is her brother-in-law, Zeb, who shows some caring for her. But she's mostly unappreciated, unacknowledged and barely listened to. And there's no character development for any of the supporting characters, and though this is Rebecca's story, it's not particularly interesting to be surrounded by this huge cast of unhappy and unpleasant people.

The writing is strong, and occasional wise observations allowed me to finish the novel; but otherwise, it's not one I'll be recommending. I did have a quick look at another review: John Leonard writing in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/books/01/05/20...) is obviously a fan, and he reminds me of the reasons I probably liked the other books of Tyler that I've read — and yet, he recounts six of her novels with basically the same plots or endings to this one. So, perhaps my problem with the book was that I'd read it before.(less)

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Jun 20, 2011 Mrsgaskell rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 9-star, bookcrossing

I love Anne Tyler’s books. So far I’ve read Ladder of Years, Digging to America, Breathing Lessons, and now, Back When We Were Grownups.

Rebecca “Beck” Davitch is 53 years old and reflecting on her life and the choices she made. As a young woman she jilted her longtime boyfriend to marry Joe Davitch , a divorced man with three young daughters. They later had one daughter together. Joe died in an accident not many years after they were married and Rebecca raised all four girls by herself. She is...more

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Dec 28, 2010 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction

I finished this book a couple months ago, and I find myself still thinking about it, about Rebecca, her life, her choices. This book was recommended to me, since my own life has some uncanny similarities.

This book is about family, and about love - love lost due to death (Rebecca's late husband), and love lost due to Rebecca "throwing it away" as she left her fiance so many years ago. It's about the love that is all around Rebecca - which is mostly family by marriage, even though her husband has...more

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Dec 20, 2010 Deborah Moulton rated it 2 of 5 stars

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I read this book because it was a book group selection. I swear the main character is a grown-up, middle-aged version of the girl in "A Slipping-Down Life," also by Anne Tyler. Large, unremarkable women both. Their main complaint: they're unclear if the life they are currently living is their "real" life or one they fell into. In other words, they clearly made decisions to create their life and when they hit sticking points, they fell into a reverie about other roads not taken. Both are desperat...more

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Aug 14, 2010 emi Bevacqua rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: fiction

Maybe because I'm leaving today to meet family on vacation and am anticipating some sibling drama and whatnot, but this book about multi-generational bonding and bickering had me in love by sentence one: "Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person". I love that opening, and not to give too much away, but in the end she realizes the person she turned in to is exactly right.

The story is about Rebecca who as a college co-ed abruptly dumps her betrothed...more

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Jun 29, 2010 Melissa rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: contemporary-fiction

When I was in high school, I read a lot of Anne Tyler novels, and with "Back When We Were Grownups," I've rediscovered my love for Anne Tyler and her tender, insightful writing about everyday subject matter.

This book begins: "Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person" (p. 3).

It's a beautifully written, heartwarming story about Rebecca Davitch, who broke up with her college boyfriend to marry an older, divorced man with three daughters. Now, in her 50...more

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Mar 04, 2010 Katherine Marple rated it 5 of 5 stars

"Back When We Were Grown Ups" is my first Anne Tyler book. I received it as a gift from my sister and I immediately hated the cover. However, I opened up the book and was drawn into the character of Rebecca almost immediately. She is such a well-crafted creation. She is in her mid fifties, a widow for the past 30 years and she feels at odds against who she was long ago, and who she has become. She feels like a shadow of her former self. She feels unimportant, like a cornerstone in the family- ye...more "Back When We Were Grown Ups" is my first Anne Tyler book. I received it as a gift from my sister and I immediately hated the cover. However, I opened up the book and was drawn into the character of Rebecca almost immediately. She is such a well-crafted creation. She is in her mid fifties, a widow for the past 30 years and she feels at odds against who she was long ago, and who she has become. She feels like a shadow of her former self. She feels unimportant, like a cornerstone in the family- yet a stone nonetheless.

In the beginning, the names of the children were a little off-putting (Jeep, Min Foo, Patch, Troy, NoNo, Biddy, etc) but by the end of the story, I felt like I knew them and loved them anyway. Biddy is an emotional wreck of a daughter, but when needed she reacts the way that is expected. Patch is just a fight waiting to happen, but she has such passion. NoNo is meek and quiet, but once put upon, she turns into a blindly foolish tyrant. Min Foo is a free spirit, with three children by three different men and different personalities for each former husband. But, in the end, all four daughters are oblivious to the quesion on Rebecca's forehead. They are so caught up in their own world's, so used to Rebecca "being there", that when she starts to question her existence, they don't even notice.

Rebecca contacts her old boyfriend from high school, Will, who meant so much to her back then, but whom she left in order to run away with a new guy nearly 13 years her senior, who already had 3 children. She was with Will (yet on a schedule of not being engaged) for years, but when she met her husband, Joe, she left Will and married Joe (and his boisterous family) within a few months. Now, that Joe is deceased since she was 26, she phones Will in a pit of nervousness and they meet again. Did she make the right decision to leave Will for Joe in such a rush? Do they have a chance of reconciling now that Joe is gone?

And what of this loud, hot tempered, yet loving family that she has been adopted into? Poppy (her late husband's elderly uncle) is endearing. The warmth that she shows when communicating with him, even though he has a hard time remembering anything and tends to repeat himself a lot, is so sweet.

What stopped me from giving this five stars? Rebecca's relationship with Joe's junior brother, Zeb. I was frustrated. I wanted to read more about those two.

Even though she is in her 50s, Rebecca finds that she still has much to learn. As we all do.

"Back When..." was a wonderful book. It was almost lyrical. It has it's funny moments, it's saddening moments, and I breezed through it in only a few days (I've been in a reading slump for the past few months and this book dragged me out) It is lovely. My sister has not yet read this one, and I plan on sending it back to her so that she can see what she mistakenly gave away!

Great novel. (less)

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Feb 21, 2010 Steve Lindahl rated it 4 of 5 stars

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Feb 20, 2010 Jo rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction, women

I can’t figure out why I finished this book. It was actually depressing, and feels like such a waste of time now. I’d heard that Anne Tyler is a beautiful writer, and the book has a great opening line, “Once upon a time there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.” Recently, I’ve been liking books with 50ish female protagonists (since I’m a 50ish female, I guess), but nothing ever happens to or, really, in her. Also I didn’t like the other characters much either. It’s b...more

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Aug 09, 2009 Liz rated it 3 of 5 stars

The main character of this book, Rebecca, a 53 year old widow, believes that her whole life has been a charade, as her meeting and then marriage to her husband, Joe, is the result of a chance encounter at a party at his home. Joe sees her enjoying herself and assumes that she is an outgoing person, when in fact she sees herself as the opposite. At the time of the meeting she is involved with a long time boyfriend who is studious and predictable (also very boring). She becomes an instant stepmoth...more

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Aug 01, 2009 Laura rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction-read

This book struck me as the kind of book that I'd like even more in 25 years. It's about family, and the complicated roles we play, and the people we become as we're surrounded by people who both love us and compete with us. It was a little thin on plot, but the gist is a middle-aged woman who wonders how she became a professional party-giver when she really doesn't feel like being nice or outgoing. She became a widow early and was left with 4 girls, 3 of whom were stepchildren. And she has been...more

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Jul 25, 2009 Chel Hartrick rated it 4 of 5 stars

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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May 15, 2009 Erin rated it 1 of 5 stars

Rebecca Davitch, widowed and in her 50s, suddenly feels discontent with her life and her role as head of the eccentric Davitch clan. She has a daughter, three step-daughters, multiple grandchildren, a brother in law and a 99 year old uncle to tend to... not to mention her job running the family's event business. Rebecca wonders if she is actually happy or if she ought to change some elements of her life.

I absolutely hated this book and am stunned by some of the good reviews I see online. I kept...more

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Dec 08, 2012 Paula rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction

I made it to page 45 and had to quit. This is dreadful. I thought this was going to be story full of intrigue as to who Rebecca really was! But upon reading the other reviews, I see it's all about an aging woman examining the mundane routine that has become her life and wondering where she took a "wrong turn" to get there, and then realizing in the end that it was the perfect life for her after all. Uh, DUH! Tyler makes no bones about telling us what a dud Rebecca was in her youth. (A crown of g...more

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Mar 21, 2012 Megan rated it 4 of 5 stars

First of all, after glancing at a common complaint of other reviewers.. yes, the characters do have silly nicknames - Poppy, Biddy, NoNo, etc. I suppose if you find that bothersome, this book will grate on you as those characters are present throughout. It's family dynamic, though. It's evidence of the weird little oddities that define any family, and it fits. No complaint here.

I'm always happy with an Anne Tyler book. In this one the main character starts out doubting the path her life has take...more

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Feb 09, 2013 Mimi rated it 2 of 5 stars

My mother and aunt went gaga over this book, so despite my lukewarm feelings for Tyler, I gave it a whirl. Feelings are still lukewarm, although I have come to the decision that although I admire Tyler's skill, I just don't care for her style. It almost seems that she's trying too hard to be quirky--names like Patch, Jeep, NoNo, Biddy, and Min Foo (for Minerva, no less) just add to the feeling born when I read The Accidental Tourist and got impatient with the everlasting oddities of the Leary fa...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Pamela rated it 4 of 5 stars

Okay, I admit it: I'm a huge fan of Tyler, and will read her books--when in a particular mood and place--over and over. This is the second (third?) read of this book for me.

And I'm loving it!

Perhaps even more than before because as my own writing progresses and becomes increasingly more skillful, I am in awe of the delicious, humorous, warm, unique, and sad tone that Tyler seems to access with such ease and grace. How does she do it? For starters, I think she just loves her characters, feels gr...more

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About Anne Tyler

Anne Tyler was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1941 and grew up in Raleigh, North Carolina. She graduated at nineteen from Duke University and went on to do graduate work in Russian studies at Columbia University. The Beginner's Goodbye is Anne Tyler's nineteenth novel; her eleventh, Breathing Lessons , was awarded the Pulitzer Prize in 1988. She is a member of the American Academy of Arts and...more

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