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When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives
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When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

3.7 of 5 stars 3.70  ·  rating details  ·  80 ratings  ·  16 reviews
How do today’s parents cope when the dreams we had for our children clash with reality? What can we do for our twenty- and even thirty-somethings who can’t seem to grow up? How can we help our depressed, dependent, or addicted adult children, the ones who can’t get their lives started, who are just marking time or even doing it? What&#8217 ...more
Paperback, 224 pages
Published June 3rd 2004 by Free Press (first published 2003)
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(showing 1-30 of 142)
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Maggie
totally worth reading, imo. i needed to know that what i was experiencing is/was not abnormal. it's normal: we were never in control of our children (young or matured to adulthood); we were in command ... for a brief period. but then they developed into their own person and our job now is not to fix anything yet to respect and (continue) to love them, forever. i reached a point where i could no longer figure out if i was being supportive or enabling. so now i've drawn the line in the proverbial ...more
Matt
This is my mom's favorite book.
Marcelle
I gave this book 5 stars not because it is riveting or superb prose but because it's a wonderful book that lets parents know they are not alone. If you struggle with getting your grown children to get out on their own this book will help you realize you are not alone, you don't have to keep it a secret AND - you need to move on from them. It tells you why you need to move on and why it is ok not to help your children forever. Its a good book for any parent to read, especially those with kids in ...more
Jeremy
May 13, 2014 Jeremy rated it 4 of 5 stars
Shelves: work


Quotes:

Wanting our kids to be personally fulfilled is a goal unique to our generation. Having gone to sometimes extraordinary lengths to ensure it, it’s no surprise that our kids grow up expecting us to provide it and give up the responsibility for finding it themselves, in the places that truly adult people discover it: in the satisfaction of work, love, connection, commitment, self-sufficiency, and achievement.

We cannot make our grown kids happy. As long as we expect that we can, they will, to
...more
Nancy Martin
I found this book very helpful! It covers experiences of parents of the simply aimless to jailed criminals. For every parent who has ever felt guilty, or that somehow their adult child's failure to thrive according to societal or even moral norms, this book is a psychological balm.

Basically, Adam's advice is that we recognize that we have no control or responsibility for our adult children's decisions & lifestyles. She also makes it clear that we can still have a full & happy life in ou
...more
Denise
My biggest problem with this book is that it's too short and pretty much sums up what everyone has been telling me for years. As a parent I didn't want my daughter to suffer the same way that I did (coming from a dysfunctional home and scrabbling for money all my life). But I've created a young adult who can't make a job decision without clearing it with Mom first. And yes, I have told her repeatedly that such decisions are HER decision. They aren't mine to make. But she's terrified of being "al ...more
Hom Sack
Insightful observations and thoughtful advice. For those who don't have disappointing grown children, it is a relief. For those who do, the intended audience of this book, one can gain solace that they are not alone in suffering from this problem and that most likely others who do have it worse.
Elizabeth Good
The resounding, repetitive message throughout this book is "to learn how to let go" of our troubled children's problems without letting go of them. All of this and get on with whatever life we (who can no longer call ourselves parents) have left on this earth. This is great advice, but extremely difficult to accomplish on so many complicated levels that were not truly addressed in this book. There was something missing in this book, and I cannot quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it was too shor ...more
Elesa Labanz
Right book. Right time.
Pam
Take a pill and call me in the morning. If the answer were that easy. I guess I am somewhat relieved after reading many of the other parents situations with criminal and drug addicted children. Mine, underachievers and not where I wanted them to be at age 30. What is the solution? Love them but detach from their problems. Let them live their own lives and be glad things are not worse. My parents let me make plenty of mistakes and I appear to be in OK shape today.
Shirley
Jan 10, 2014 Shirley marked it as to-read
Read a sample want to purchase the book soon.
Chris
What can I say? Dave's been back home with us a year this Friday. Maybe the advice in this book will help us cope with his life choices. *sigh*
Judy
Helpful book, but did not give enough how-to advice, in my opinion. Good to convince one that it's time to let go.
Camie
good reference book for those of us who need to back off and let our kids live their lives
Paula
Solid advice parents can relate to.
Nancy
Excellent advice
Jeanette
Jeanette marked it as to-read
Jul 17, 2015
Lina
Lina marked it as to-read
Jun 08, 2015
Mary
Mary added it
May 20, 2015
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Jane Adams, PhD (Seattle, WA, and New York, NY), has been writing and reporting on personal and professional issues in the lives of women for nearly three decades. A speaker, social psychologist, and personal coach, she is a frequent media commentator who has appeared on Oprah, Good Morning America, the Today show, NPR, and CNN.
More about Jane Adams...
I'm Still Your Mother: How to Get Along with Your Grown-Up Children for the Rest of Your Life Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work Wake Up, Sleeping Beauty: How to Live Happily Ever After-- Starting Right Now.

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