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HELP! A Bear is Eating Me!

3.49  ·  Rating Details ·  1,813 Ratings  ·  243 Reviews
Trapped in a remote Alaskan forest, pinned under his own SUV, gnawed upon by nature's finest predators, Marv Pushkin -- Corporate Warrior, Positive Thinker, Esquire subscriber -- waits impatiently for an ambulance and explains in detail the many reasons why this unfolding tragedy is everyone's fault but his own.
Paperback, 132 pages
Published February 26th 2008 by Eraserhead Press
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Aug 14, 2009 karen rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: people who heart comeuppance
absolutely. lets be honest, this is a book you buy for the cover, initially. but behold: its actually well-written!! this is the most unsympathetic character ive read since dostoevskys the adolescent, but its a hoot, and i didnt want to throw the book even once, which i did with the adolescent. thats a lot of commas to just say - yes - read this book.
this is a p.s. - a customer asked me for a recommendation for someone who liked camus and chuck palahniuk. this is perfectly centered between the
Jun 22, 2008 Christen rated it really liked it
I read this on the way to the airport and then I read more of it at the airport and then I finished it on the airplane. When I have to deal with the TSA, airline personnel and large numbers of my fellow humans, I often experience deeply felt misanthropy. Reading this book complicated that. You see, the narrator of the book is a smug, entitled, dumb, greedy yuppie douche bag who's deeply irritated by the extent to which this getting-trapped-under-an-SUV-and-eaten-by-a-bear thing has fucked up his ...more
Dec 14, 2008 Greg rated it really liked it
Shelves: fiction
For years (thousands of them actually) great thinkers have pondered the question, if a total asshole is trapped under something heavy and their legs are being eaten by a bear is that ok, or should we feel sorry for them? Plato in the original manuscripts for his allegory of the cave dealt with his exact problem when the know-it-all shit who had gone out in to the real world came back and got himself trapped under a boulder and a bear started to eat his legs. Plato said it was the danger of leavi ...more
Apr 26, 2008 Mykle rated it it was amazing  ·  (Review from the author)
Recommends it for: moist, crunchy humans
Shelves: books-with-bears
Conflict of interest warning: I ate the author of this book.
Dan Schwent
Jun 12, 2011 Dan Schwent rated it liked it
While corporate sleazeball Marv Pushkin is on a bear-killing/team-building trip in Alaska, he becomes trapped under his Range Rover and a bear begins eating him. Hilarity ensues.

HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! reads like Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me if it were written by Christopher Moore and Lou Ford was an ad agency executive rather than a small town sheriff. Making the reader care about a douchebag of Pushkin's caliber is a rough job but Mykle Hansen accomplishes just that. Pushkin's dialog
Arthur Graham
Sep 19, 2014 Arthur Graham rated it it was amazing
Never before has a book done more to discredit the notion that protagonists should be likable. Marv Pushkin is probably about as irredeemable as characters come, and yet... You can't help but feel a little sorry for the guy. Not because he's in the process of dying a slow, gruesome death, but because, over the course of his ordeal, we come to learn much more about him than he's willing to let on. Through a series of flashbacks and hallucinations, we discover a man so awesomely awful that he actu ...more
Dec 12, 2010 Mariel rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Smokey
Recommended to Mariel by: thank you beary much, goodreaders
I liked Help! A Bear is eating me! a lot. I loved that Marv had the same two devils on his polar (bear) same shoulders- both with enormous chips on them. He's an asshole in the best way he could've been. He's the kind of asshole that anyone with sense would know to stay far, far away from (like Scarlett O'hara). Like he admits himself, his climb to the top was made easier by smiling faces waiting to get stepped on. He's not harmless in the grand scheme of things, but definitely not in my persona ...more
I have a longstanding marital bias in favor of bears. What started out as affectionate joshing -- that my outwardly imposing and initially intimidating husband is really just a big teddy bear (which I’m sure is exactly the kind of private commentary he wants me spreading around the internets) -- has, over the years, spiraled out of control to the extent that swapping "bear" for any even remotely similar sounds (e.g.: bearriage, libeary, husbearnd, et cetera ad nauseam) is the overriding hallmark ...more
Mark Russell
Nov 19, 2009 Mark Russell rated it it was amazing
As a survivor of a horrific bear attack myself, I can vouch for this book's authenticity in its description such a life-changing disaster. First of all, manners, such as not playing with your food, don't appear to be too highly stressed within the bear community. In fact, they love to play with their food. It starts, innocently enough, with a little swat to the ass here, a little nibble on the arm there, but before long, their food-play gets increasingly complex, creative and, dare I say, excruc ...more
Normally I'm not beguiled by first-person narratives, especially when the voice is that of an obnoxious boorish narcissist. Mykle Hansen's HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is an honorable exception. Despite having a protagonist of unparalleled loathsomeness, unblemished by even a hint of concern for others or a scintilla of self-awareness, this book charmed the pants off me. The title is sheer genius, and completely accurate. As the story opens, its truly despicable antihero, Marv Pushkin lies pinne ...more
Aug 30, 2008 Lance rated it it was amazing
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! Great title! Great book! Wow, look at that! The period key on my keyboard keeps producing exclamation marks instead of periods! WTF* My question mark key makes that asterisk thingy that looks like a puckered asshole! Speaking of assholes, Marv Pushkin, the narrator/protagonist of Bear, is an asshole! But that’s information that’s given on the back of the book, so there’s no need to repeat it here, is there* Marv’s narrative is misanthropic, misogynistic, condescending, ...more
Karly *The Vampire Ninja, Luminescent Monster & Wendigo Nerd Goddess of Canada (according to The Hulk)*


Marv Pushkin, our MC, is a DICK, straight up.... not a nice person, AT ALL!!

...but does he deserve to be eaten by a bear?

I loved this story! Recommended and provided by the wonderful karen, HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is a wonderful exploration of the limits of compassion -- mine for Marv -- and the answer to the age old question, If a jerk is being eaten by a bear in the woods of Alaska does anyone give a shit?!

Dangerously funny and deranged :)
Jun 06, 2014 Tressa rated it really liked it
Shelves: humor, bizarro
4.5 stars
Very funny little book about an elitist Yuppie named Marv Pushkin who gets trapped under his SUV while bear hunting in Alaska with his fat wife, his mistress, and some of his yes-men employees.

Almost every page is lough out loud funny as Marv dopes himself up to handle the pain of being chewed on by Mr. Bear. To keep boredom at bay he goes inside his mind and opens up about his love for his Rover; his love of things and his hatred of nature; the Mexican and his illegal kids who don't d
Jan 20, 2016 Jason rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: e-books, read-2016
5 Stars

HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is first and foremost a very funny tale about getting what is due to you. This is a short novel that will have you laughing out loud and cringing…not so much from the bear that is eating our protagonists legs, but from the fact the he is such a complete asshole. You know our main character Marv Pushkin, we all know people like him. He is the bad boss that is so full of himself that he cannot see things that are right in front of his face. He is the type ‘A’ pers
Dec 12, 2010 Jasmine rated it really liked it
Shelves: american
I have to say that this is the purest sociopath that I have ever read. I actually like the main character in a non-commital way. I want to hit him, but I understand why he is the way he is. Also, I hate all the people who he hates.

I enjoy the conspiracy theory.
David Barbee
Jul 29, 2010 David Barbee rated it it was amazing
I can’t even describe what a scumbag Marv Pushkin is. He is the product of everything wrong with modern civilized human beings. His life is defined by corporate wealth, mind-numbing pharmaceuticals, and chauvinistic douchebaggery. He is the epitome of consumerist arrogance. He’s built himself a colossal ego decorated with material possessions, each more vulgar and expensive than the last. Marv Pushkin is an arrogant, self-absorbed, self-righteous, and downright horrible man.

But does he deserve t
Steve Lowe
Jun 14, 2010 Steve Lowe rated it liked it
This is very funny book, filled with a slew of excellent one-liners that made me chortle. Because it made me laugh, I wanted to like this book more, but there were a couple things that bugged me about it.

1. As the back cover tells me, the main characer, Marv Pushkin, is an asshole of the highest order. A drug-abusing, selfish, vain, rude, philandering asshole. I have no problem with that at all, but I was expecting something to change by the end. To set up such a character, and stick him in a si
Jan 16, 2011 Kathryn rated it really liked it
Shelves: humor, bizarro, drugs
This book is a wonderful example of Karma at work. Payback can be fun, if you are at least a little sick in the head. I happen to love revenge movies. They can be extremely fulfilling, kind of rewarding. Maybe because real life does not work like that. This book gives me a similar feeling.

Some of my recent reads have been classified as humorous and I have griped in a few reviews that I did not connect with the authors in terms of what is funny and what is annoying. This book is funny. For other
May 11, 2011 Lea rated it it was amazing
Brilliant. Honestly, one of the funniest books I've ever read. I know Marv Pushkin is a total jackass, but OMG is he funny. I was about 3/4 of the way through the book when I started thinking "What do you know, a bizarro book that isn't going to make me feel sort of lost and sad", then BAM! Mykle Hansen did what these guys do best, and ripped my heart right out of my chest. I absolutely loved this book, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone and everyone.
Jan 18, 2010 Kate rated it it was amazing
This book is rawr!

More comedy than tragedy, the main character Marv Pushkin is the biggest douche nozzle this side of the apocalypse has ever seen and he totally gets his just desserts.

I guarantee that you will hate, abhor, and want to take your hostilites out on this character, while laughing at his stupidity all the while. But don't take my word for it, check this book out (and the audio files on Mykle's website) and enjoy the carnage. Trust me you'll be glad you did!
Feb 01, 2009 Camille rated it liked it
Shelves: 2009
A very silly and entertaining novella that asks the question, does an asshole deserve to be eaten by a bear? After reading this book, I'm thinking yes, yes he does.
Jan 22, 2009 Jeff rated it it was amazing
Marv Pushkin is an asshole. He is a greedy, drug-addicted, nature-hating, member of middle-management who cheats on his wife. He is also pinned beneath his SUV, loaded up with pain-killers, while a bear is eating him alive. So begins Mykle Hansen’s comedic bizarro novel, “Help! A Bear is Eating Me!”

The ambicious premise of the book is that it takes place totally in the mind of Marv Pushkin while he is being eaten. There is very little action that takes place during the story but the character
Rusty Thelin
Jun 22, 2009 Rusty Thelin rated it it was amazing
Holy crap, what a politically incorrect, downright disgusting, and thoroughly enjoyable read! We all know people like the narrator of this story, one Marv Pushkin, a deeply despicable human being who deserves to be eaten by a bear... this is a fun, quick read which you will remember for a long, long time... I loved it!
Esteban del Mal
Feb 03, 2010 Esteban del Mal rated it really liked it
Shelves: novel, fiction
What do you do with a messed up jerk who refuses to sit for psychoanalysis?

Why, you pin him under the weight of his SUV in the wilds of Alaska while a bear gnaws off his legs, and you watch the hilarity ensue!
May 12, 2011 Valetta rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Help!A bear is eating me!, Aiuto!Un orso mi sta mangiando!, è il titolo originale di questo bizzarro romanzo che credo renda molto meglio lo spirito dell'opera rispetto all'anonimo Missione in Alaska scelto per l'edizione italiana.
Missione in Alaska è infatti un romanzo ai limiti dell'inverosimile, con qualche tocco pulp, in cui tutto, personaggi, vicende e toni, viene esasperato. Marv Pushkin è l'archetipo del manager rampante, arrogante a dismisura, maschilista, sessista, prepotente e inquinat
Jan 01, 2011 Marvin rated it really liked it
Shelves: humor
When I was twelve, a ranger at Yellowstone National Park asked me if I knew how to tell a black bear from a grizzly. I didn't. The ranger replied, "You kick him in the butt and climb up a tree. If he follows you up the tree, it's a black bear."

Now to the review...

First the bad news. The protagonist of this novel is an greedy misogynist asshole who loathes humanity and hates the environment. He embodies every evil facet of the corporate type you can think of. He is totally unlikable and undeservi
Kirsten Alene
Dec 10, 2010 Kirsten Alene rated it it was amazing
When I began reading “Help! A Bear is Eating Me!” I was so frustrated with the narrator that I almost wanted to stop reading it, just out of spite. Who would create such a terrible person? There was no way I was ever going to sympathize with this douchebag. But, try as I might, I could not stop reading this book. I tried everything. But the writing was so engaging, and so amusing, and the story kept getting better and better.

For a novel in which 90% of the story takes place under the carriage of
Wayne Barrett
May 29, 2016 Wayne Barrett rated it really liked it
Shelves: bizarro, humor, 2015, animals
You want to know what this book is about? Read the title! Did I enjoy it? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Very humorous work. Our victim, trapped in the Alaskan wilderness, is being eaten alive...from the outside and the inside. Marvin not only has a bear nipping at his heels but he also has a great big ol' bear shaped ego eating him up on the inside.
There were a couple of dream, or drug induced moments of rambling but the book was still short and easy to read. You'll need a sense of humor but I
Feb 27, 2010 Kevin rated it it was ok
Though short, this was tough to muscle through. I get it, he's a pretentious asshole, where is the rest of the meat to the story?

There were some funny moments, but not enough to justify a recommendation.
Sometimes laugh-out-loud funny and sometimes sick and silly (how can it not be?). Hansen utilizes a sort of bizarre Nicholson Baker technique, with this violent meal stretched to its longest possible conclusion. For full effect, look up the podcast for this one.
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Mykle Hansen has been "keeping it realism" on Goodreads for over ten years. He will gladly consider your friend request if (only if) you have read at least one hundred books.

Mykle Hansen's inability to have a normal reaction is key to the popularity of his surreal fiction and neo-gonzo journalism. He is the author of the acclaimed short-story collection EYEHEART EVERYTHING, several dozen 'zines, a
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“If I was a worrier I'd worry, but not being a worrier I'm just sort of confused and pissed off.” 13 likes
“Some managers hire people they're excited to work with. I prefer to hire people I'm excited to dominate.” 11 likes
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