Why Mars and Venus Collid...

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John Gray

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Why Mars and Venus Collide

by John Gray

3.75 · rating details · 205 ratings · 59 reviews

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Once upon a time, Martians and Venusians functioned in separate worlds. But in today's hectic and career-oriented environment, relationships have become a lot more complicated, and men and women are experiencing unprecedented levels of stress. To add to the increasing tension, most men and women are also completely unaware that they are actually hardwired to react differently to the stress. It's a common scenario: a husband returns home from work stressed out and eager to kick back on the couch and watch television. A wife returns home from work stressed out and wants to talk about it with her husband. What happens? Neither is on the same page, anger and resentment set in, and Mars and Venus collide.

Using his signature insight that has helped millions of couples transform their relationships, John Gray once again arms the inhabitants of Mars and Venus with information that will help them live harmoniously ever after. In Why Mars and Venus Collide, Gray focuses on the ways that men and women misinterpret and mismanage the stress in their daily lives, and how these reactions ultimately affect their relationships. "It's not that he's just not into you; he needs to fulfill a biological need," Gray explains. "And it's not that she wants to henpeck you; she also has a biological drive." He shows, for instance, how a husband's withdrawal is actually a natural way for him to replenish his depleted testosterone levels and restore his well-being, and how a woman's need for conversation and support helps her build her own stress-reducing hormone, oxytocin.

Backed up by groundbreaking scientific research, Gray offers a clear, easy-to-understand program to bridgethe gap between the two planets, providing effective communication strategies that will actually lower stress levels. Whether in a relationship or single, this book will help both men and women understand their new roles in a modern, work-oriented society, and allow them to discover a variety of new and practical ways to create a lifetime of love and harmony.

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Published (first published May 8th 2007)

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Jan 20, 2009

Skylar Burris rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: marriage

Synopsis: Men and women are different. In the event that you have already figured this out after several years of marriage, this book may yet give you some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your frustrations. "Why Mars and Venus Collide" did have some helpful advice. However, I think those helpful nuggets were already lodged in his early book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." (There appears to be some gratuitous repackaging going on here.)

I confes...moreSynopsis: Men and women are different. In the event that you have already figured this out after several years of marriage, this book may yet give you some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your frustrations. "Why Mars and Venus Collide" did have some helpful advice. However, I think those helpful nuggets were already lodged in his early book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." (There appears to be some gratuitous repackaging going on here.)

I confess that while I was reading this book, my angry inner feminist occasionally reared her irritated head. Gray tells me that "Making a Man Happy is Easier than You Think." Why, Gray says, *ALL* you have to do is love him unconditionally just as his dog does (yes, he uses his dog as an example) and applaud him vigorously for picking up a single pair of socks after you've spent an hour cleaning up the entire bedroom (actual example). See how EASY it is?

Then there's the list of 100 ways I can raise my oxytocin levels and be happier and have more energy: arrange flowers, cook a meal, get my hair done, use my fine china, take a cooking class, buy a new outfit, babysit. . . I'm not sure he could be much more stereotypical if he tried. Where is reading theology in the list of 100? Discussing classical literature?

On more than one occasion, he suggests, not quite in these words, but more or less: "There were a lot fewer marriage problems back in the good old days when women didn't expect anything more of their husbands than a paycheck." While I agree that it is easy in these modern times for women to have unrealistic expectations of their husbands, expecting them to be at once provider and girlfriend, I think (at least I hope) there is a happy medium between these two, a something more than provider, a help mate.

When reading this, I felt like Gray infantilized men too much. Take, for instance, his use of himself as an example of men needing to have specific projects assigned to them in order to even begin to function in a domestic realm: "When my wife and I go food shopping at the farmer's market, I have my designated job—paying each vendor, pushing the cart, and carrying the heavy bags." Good job, John! What a big boy! You wouldn't want to try to tackle all of the complicated features of food shopping all by yourself, such as writing a list and locating the produce. (My husband must be exceptional. He can go grocery shopping without me.) "Likewise, when I help with the dishes, I like to plant myself in front of the sink and wash dishes while others bring plates over, put things away, and clean tabletops." Yes, John, you wouldn't want to take on such an overwhelmingly detailed task as clearing plates, washing them, AND putting them away. That's really only something women can handle.

"Many men," Gray helpfully relates, "tend to lose interest and energy while doing the nurturing, oxytocin-producing domestic routines like laundry, shopping, cooking, and cleaning." Newsflash: So do many women. All of the biological oxytocin gobbledygook aside, laundry and cleaning do NOT increase my energy levels. I do the laundry because it needs to be done. I don't do it because it gives me a boost of the happy drug.

I agree that men and women handle and process stress differently. I do agree with him that much stress in modern marriages is owning to women trying to take on two roles at once (by both working full-time and yet still acting as the primary homemaker), but he makes it sound as though men are biologically incapable of cleaning house.

One thing I've discovered about marriage books is that they tend to make me really appreciate my husband. And this one in particular inspires appreciation by leading me to believe that while my husband's flaws are common to men, his virtues are exceptional. So you have done him a bit of good after all, John, even if you haven't convinced me that he has a biological imperative to do only one chore a week.

I guess I don't have space to mention the constant textual interruptions with advertisements and URLs for his homeopathic remedies...

As for women who suspect they may need to become easier to get along with (and don't most of us to some extent?), I think a better book to read is Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It can irritate the inner angry feminist from time to time, too, but I think it's easier to take that kind of truth coming from another woman, and she didn't strike me as quite as stereotypical--or at least not as annoyingly so--as Gray. At least, I got more out of that book than I have out of this one. (less)

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Apr 27, 2008

Jacqueline Williams rated it

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A very validating book, and an incredibly fast read. Explains how men and women deal with stress, with real-life examples that ring so true. Talks about the BIOLOGICAL and biochemical differences between men and women, and for me, learning that some things are biological changes my perspecive a lot. Here are some excerpts I liked from the book:

"Being aware of our innate biochemical differences frees us from the unhealthy compulsion to change our partners and eventually leads us ...more

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Feb 21, 2011

Kristine rated it

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This book makes a compelling point for becoming a lesbian ... or a man. Women can do and think about more than one thing at a time and men can only do one thing at a time and need to be told what needs to be done - which would you rather have for a partner? Women should lower their expectations of the men in their lives, so as not to be disappointed by them.

There is some truth in this book, hence the 2 stars instead of 1, but I still don't like it.

Partially because I'm ...more

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Dec 08, 2009

Dana Nelson rated it

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Shelves: non-fiction

It took me a long time to wade through this but it wasn’t due to the content. It was very interesting and I learned from it. The problem with non-fiction is there’s not much plot to draw you in. ;)

There’s no need to read John Gray’s first book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus before reading this one but it does explain the whole “Martian” and “Venusian” concept. There’s only a little repetition between the two. This book actually scientifically explains some of the things mentio...moreIt took me a long time to wade through this but it wasn’t due to the content. It was very interesting and I learned from it. The problem with non-fiction is there’s not much plot to draw you in. ;)

There’s no need to read John Gray’s first book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus before reading this one but it does explain the whole “Martian” and “Venusian” concept. There’s only a little repetition between the two. This book actually scientifically explains some of the things mentioned in his first book.

I happened to be reading this book back in February when my husband and I were celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary. I remember him flipping through the book while I was busy doing something on the computer (probably blogging ;) ) and, typical male, he zeroed right in on a section where Dr. Gray discusses the sexual part of spouse problems deriving from not understanding their differences. The male complains: “She was so responsive in the beginning. Now I feel like I have to fill out a form before we have sex.” We had a good laugh over this because he would sometimes comment on how intimacy is rarely spontaneous anymore (one of the “perks” of settling into the routine of marriage and having children). We started elaborating on the form idea. I said, “Yes, and it’s too bad the forms take several weeks for processing…” to which he replied, “And then I’ll get them back because I didn’t fill them out in triplicate…” And so it went on… *chortle* Maybe you had to be there (but we’re glad you weren’t)… ;)

Anyway, back to the book.

A couple of quotes really struck me but I didn’t write them down because I was taking too long to read the darn thing. The book is written for men and women, but mostly, I found, towards women. Either JG thinks women need more help, or men don’t typically read self-help books. This book applies to any audience: single, dating, married, divorced, whatever. I’d really recommend it to anyone searching for “true love.” There’s a whole chapter on it. Or to a couple that are both trying to save the relationship.

This book is not infallible. The more I read, the more I sounded like a Martian instead of a Venusian! Everyone is different.

This book is also mentioned on the blog The Gentle Art of Ruling Your Husband. Sorry, I couldn’t find the exact post, but the blog is still great.

The author has plenty of websites, some that offer free counseling! In addition to www.marsvenus.com, there is www.marsvenuswellness.com and www.marsvenusdating.com and… ack, I lost my post-it note. That defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? I’ll fill the other ones in as soon as I find it!

Conclusion: If you’re into self-help books, this is a good one. Obviously not one that can’t be put down though. (less)

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Sep 19, 2011

Ashley Mcphee rated it

· review of another edition

While I found this book immensely helpful in understanding my partner better and learning to adjust my expectations, I also found the book to be slightly sexist.

The author also makes frequent allusions to religion/spirituality and seeking out a therapist as important tools without acknowledging that for some people these are not options or priorities.

The book makes many references to research about the brain, hormones, and evolution, which makes it seem very credible. I...more

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Mar 21, 2009

Desislava rated it

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I really enjoy John Gray. He is my favorite author and teacher on relationships. By learning the differences between men and women , it is so much easier to keep a healthy relationship. this book is about how men and women act differently to every day stress. I have most of his books and never been dissapointed. He is great.

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Dec 07, 2011

Grace added it · review of another edition

Actually marking this book as "read" is a total lie. Very rarely do I not finish a book and up until now I have never thrown a book across the room in a display of displeasure and frustration. This book infuriated me. A very close friend of mine recommended the book to me and swore up and down that it truly helped her with her relationships. I could only read the first two chapters before I threw the book across the room and decided enough was enough. The author's views are extremely e...more

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Jun 18, 2009

Katie rated it

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This book is the best! I feel so much happier and less stressed!!! Jared has seen and benefitted from the dramatic lessons I've learned that are contained in this magic book :) I have a little bit left to go, but as soon as I'm done I think he will read it too.

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Jun 29, 2011

Marina rated it

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I think I can manage a review before I have even finished the book. As far as relationship advice/help goes this was interesting and extremely easy to read. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Some books like this require a second book to help you decipher the first one, so I guess that makes it a good thing. It gets repetitive in several parts like the author is trying to fill in space and make the book thicker than it needs to be. If I read "ways to increase a woman's oxytocin levels ...more

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Apr 27, 2010

Elizabeth rated it

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I can't decide whether the content is sexist or not. But it is true that couples are experiencing high stress in this current society. I liked the tips about owning your own health and taking care of yourself so that you will rely less on your partner for helping you cope with stress. Also, the more you take care of yourself, the more you can enjoy your partner. I think this works for both people in the relationship. I think there are fundamental differences between males and females (especiall...more

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Mar 31, 2010

Eng rated it

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sometimes i feel he is definitely right and sometimes i feel he lives in different planet and know nothing about relationships strategy ,well first i thought it's so simple and direct way to deal with Men but after awhile i discovered it's not just complicated it's advanced stage of complications you can't be you with any man you have just to be what he wants and you have to be very smart to know everything by yourself cause they are rarely talking and beside that they are very selfish kind ,the...more

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Feb 20, 2009

Susanna rated it

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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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May 13, 2008

Kathy rated it

· review of another edition

Recommends it for: anyone in a relationship

I have already recommended this book to many of my friends who are in relationships as this is a must read as all the things talked about in this book will pertain to your situation at one point or another.

Here is a review" The unprecedented levels of stress both men and women are experiencing is taking a toll on our romantic relationships. Whether single or in committed relationships, we are often too busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation, and affect...more

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Aug 19, 2009

Ummu Auni rated it

Shelves: read-2009

Gray reinforced the differences between men & women and how they need to understand, and connect to their spouse. It's a continuation from successful bestselling book, Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. As much as I would like to rate this a 5-star, there's no fresh ideas here except in few chapters, since the formula/ideas had been introduced in his first book. But still, it's an indeed a good book.

I learnt about oxytoxin - hormone related to love. Women produce oxytoxin as a...more

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Dec 20, 2011

Dayne Myers rated it

· review of another edition

A very good practical guide, though in a few rare thoughts I disagree, many others I didn't really "buy into" until I applied them and got shockingly fantastic results. A compassionate call to all humans to be better to one another of the opposite gender, to be understanding, forgiving, and accommodating of our physiological differences.

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Jun 02, 2009

AuthorsOnTourLive! rated it

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John Gray, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships, and the author of fifteen books, including the internationally bestselling Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Gray's new book Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress, focuses on the ways that men and women misinterpret and mismanage the stress in their daily lives, and how these reactions ultimately affect th...more

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Aug 04, 2009

Cameron rated it

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I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this book my the well known author of the Mars - Venus fame. I was listening to an icast and heard him speak, I was impressed. Gray referenced this text and how he ties male and female differences back to biology. He raised my curiosity. I found the book to be of value. There are the lists of things to do and what not to do in relationships, you'd expect that. Yet some of the other insights were outside of pop psychology and grounded in researc...more

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Aug 01, 2011

Calyn rated it

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I thought after reading the first book I can skip this one. I was wrong.This book explores how and why Women and Men are biologically different. From there you would understand reasons of our actions. Anyone can read it.Single or married. You can understand more on human reactions.

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Aug 11, 2008

Heather rated it

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Recommends it for: everyone

another great learning book. I like how it talks about coping with stress and how men and women deal with stress differently. I liked this quote "A man does not spend his life looking for someone to love him. Instead, he looks for someone he can be successful in loving." pg. 92 also "A woman's happiness and energy levels come from the oxytocin producing acts of nurturing and being nurtured, while a man's happiness and energy levels come primarily from the testosterone producing...more

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Jul 07, 2011

Hafizz hussin is currently reading it · review of another edition

a very good read for those who are already married.The book is discussing the different on how man and women coping with their stresses in this so called modern society where man and women both provider for the household. Anyway it is a very good read.

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Jun 25, 2008

Maria rated it

· review of another edition

I did not pick up this book because I think I need to improve our marriage, but I did get the book because I read in a review that it gave really great insight and suggestions for women on how to approach their husbands in stressful times to still get the help the woman needs. I find I bottle a lot of my stress inside because Mark is already stressed and I don't want to add to it, so hopefully this book will help me see a way to help us both deal with it better and still be able to have enough ...more

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Aug 11, 2011

Jennifer rated it

· review of another edition

Ok, so I didn't even read the first book. But who needs to? It's the same old, same old. Some good lessons in there I guess. But I wouldn't exactly build it into the mainframe of how I deal with the opposite sex :)

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Feb 01, 2009

Sally rated it

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Shelves: sexuality

Pseudo-science raised to an art form. If there is any stereotypical behavior that can't be simplistically explained and justified by hormonal differences, it hasn't entered the author's darkest dreams.

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Dec 12, 2008

Chandra rated it

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I definitely learned a lot about how men and women process stress...and it's very different. But take a lot of the author's tips with grain of salt...he's quite biased towards men. Not surprising...

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Oct 11, 2009

Ellya Khristi rated it

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Shelves: motivation

membuat para venus dan mars mengerti tentang perbedaan yang dimiliki dan membantu mengatasi permasalahan yang biasa terjadi antara dua makhluk planet yang punya cara berkomunikasi yang berbeda...

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Jun 09, 2009

Maly rated it

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I enjoy reading Dr. Gray's book. This book brings out many issues in gender differences that we often overlook. Highly recommended.

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Nov 25, 2010

Amer Alkharoubi rated it

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Shelves: علاقات

راااااائع
يعمل الرجال عكس ما تفهمه النساء
وتعمل النساء عكس ما يفهمه الرجال

بفهمنا للآخر سينتهي التصادم !!

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Apr 14, 2009

Maren (Shelley) rated it

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Very interesting book. It's good to be aware of the differences between men and women before attempting any type of relationship.

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Jul 20, 2009

Christy rated it

· review of another edition

A very interesting look at how men and women differ on some basic physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental levels.

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Jun 18, 2010

Liss rated it

Shelves: relational

The lists of actions to take are highly useful, the pace of the book less so.

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About John Gray

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John Gray is an American author on relationships and personal growth, best known for his 1992 book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and other "pop psychology" books offering relationship advice.

He was previously married to fellow sel...more

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Books by John Gray

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: Improving Communication

Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion

Mars and Venus Together Forever: Relationship Skills for Lasting Love: A New, Revised Edition of What Your Mother

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