Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
One of the world's most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.
Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the c...more
It tells you how to have the security, stability, comfort, etc that are requirements for a healthy a LT relationship while at the same time creating the uncertainty, mystery, and risk that are requirements for passion.
The author is a therapist in NY and draws on cases to illustrate her points. It's engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or rec...more
But, unfortunately, it really falls short. Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the f...more
"The counterargument to the law of diminishing returns is the principle that consistent investment leads...more
Esther Perel, in "mating in captivity: unlocking ero...more
On a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn't help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel's debut book, "Mating in Captivity : Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." What's "mating" mean, dad? And "cap-tiv-i-ty?"� With numerous ears besides his own eager to hear my reply, I resorted to cheap humor that passed by him as surely as hot sex passes by Perel's patients throughout this book. "Mating."� I told him, "is finding someone to love...more
I am now going back to re-read because I've been reminded of it while I am reading "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships."
In that book,...more
On the other hand, I found it difficult to take the information presented in the book and figure out how to apply it in my own relationship. Perel's solutions invol...more
I quit. I don't need a book to make me second-guess and doubt the happiest aspect of my life.
Her basic premise is that we crave both the security and...more
The main argument of the book is this: intimacy begets comfort and boredom, distance unpredictability and excitement. Pretty commonsensical stuff, but when applied to marriage, it can be a powerful principle.
Most couples experience an increase in boredom as they become intimate and comfortable with each other and they start to yearn for the excitement. This transition is not only emotional but biological: a man's testosterone levels plummet after his wife giv...more
The natural outgrowth and follow-up of Mitchell's CAN LOVE LAST? ... Can sexual desire and eroticism last in long-term relationships?
The answer is, Yes it can, but only with conscious intent and deliberate cultivation, and the continuous fight against the human-brain heuristic of "familiarity breeds contempt". A false heuristic as regards people, because we are evolving stories and can never fully known or owned.
An interesting read. Repetitive at times as she waxes poetic into the huma...more
Perel focuses on maintaining desire in a relationship, using the lens of the balance of security and autonomy - people often sacrifice all their autonomy and sense of self in a relationship, which is related to freedom and desire, thinking they must, in order to support the secure, intimate, love of the relationship, but actually, the freedom / des...more
Not so long ago, the desire to feel passionate about one’s husband would have been considered a contradiction in terms. Historically, these two realms of life were organized separately—marriage on one side and passion most likely somewhere else, if anywhere at all. The concept of romantic love, which came about toward the end of the nineteenth century, brought them together for the first time....more
The book opens with a poem by D.H. Lawrence e...more
What Perel does is undermine the more dumb-ass aspects of the Anglo-Saxon approach to psychological fidelity and relationships in favour of a more European view that permits play, calculated deceit and fantasy in a way that is really quite shocking to contemporary femino-liberalism....more
1. would like to be in a successful romantic relationship.
2. is in a successful romantic relationship.
3. would like to remain single forever.
My therapist recommended I read this book, I believe, because I am a little one-sided on the idea that "romantic relationships" and "true happiness" do not co-exist. I'm not sure reading this changed my mind, but the author, a NYC psychologist, definitely has many an interesting thing to say about relationships, why they...more
I wouldn't give this book five stars as I felt that Perel gets too mu...more
I found the chapter on dealing with the US's puritanical views on the erotic to ring true. I felt like it's important to recognize the way we were raised, and move forward. We need to find supportive lo...more
I want to counter the reviewers who have said that it doesn't answer the serious questions with, well, you're right, it doesn't. It asks those questions, implores you to ask them yourself and then al...more