I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

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I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

by Brené Brown (Goodreads Author)

4.3 of 5 stars 4.30 · rating details · 1,094 ratings · 174 reviews

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. We spend too much precious time and energy managing perception and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves to show to the world. As hard as we try, we can?t seem to turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like, ?Never good enough!? and ?What will people think??

Why? What fuels this unattainable ne...more

Paperback, 336 pages

Published December 27th 2007 by Gotham (first published February 1st 2007)

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The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brené Brown

Sex, Doug, and a Rocky Road by Michele Bardsley

Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall by Kjerstin Gruys

Books to help Women Live Healthy and Happy

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Sep 16, 2012 Ed McKeogh rated it 5 of 5 stars

Dr. Brene Brown and her work on shame and, as an outgrowth of that research, wholehearted living have taken off, shooting into the limelight due to some TED talks, a PBS special, some thought-provoking books and a recent guest appearance on Katie Couric's new show to promote her newest book. So, after reading and enjoying The Gifts of Imperfection, I went back and read this volume.

Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while...more Dr. Brene Brown and her work on shame and, as an outgrowth of that research, wholehearted living have taken off, shooting into the limelight due to some TED talks, a PBS special, some thought-provoking books and a recent guest appearance on Katie Couric's new show to promote her newest book. So, after reading and enjoying The Gifts of Imperfection, I went back and read this volume.

Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while written about and for a female audience, hit home for me and that I think are representative of the importance of the work presented in this volume. Though the things that trigger shame are different for men and women, the feelings are the same. However, there is great relief in understanding the experience is universally experienced (hence, the title).

For example, this quote from a letter to Dr. Brown is one that I could have written myself: "...I learned to identify what I was feeling as shame.... I learned that I am very shame-based, that I had all of the 'symptoms' ... but never really related them to the concept of shame. It's kind of like having a lot of strange and disparate symptoms but not knowing what to attribute them to. If you don't know what the disease is, you can't treat it. When painful things happened, my face would flush, my stomach would tighten, and I would want to hide. But since the situations were all different, even though my reaction might be the same, I never could specifically identify the emotion I was feeling. So I never really could deal with it. ..." (p. 122)

This description struck a nerve: "There is nothing more frustrating, and sometimes frightening, than feeling pain and not being able to describe or explain it to someone. It doesn't matter if it's physical pain or emotional pain. When we can't find the right words to express our painful experiences to others, we often feel alone and scared. Some of us may even feel anger or rage and act out. Eventually, many of us shut down and either live silently with the pain or, in cases where we can't, accept someone else's definition of what we are feeling simply out of the desperate need to find some remedy." (p. 155)

As someone who wisely chose to reject some damaging expectations, I found a lot of truth echoed in this passage: "There are times when our feelings, thoughts and actions relate directly to our past or current struggles. But there are certainly times when they don't. The problem arises because, at some point, most of us begin to believe the expectations about who we're supposed to be, what we're supposed to look like, what we're supposed to do, how much we're supposed to be and how little we're supposed to be. We also develop a fear of rejecting those expectations. We constantly see evidence that if we do reject these expectations, we will experience very painful disconnections and rejection. So we internalize these expectations and they become an emotional prison. Shame stands guard." (p. 228)

And this section put a spotlight on some areas in which I need to work: "Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us--it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?" (p. 242)

I think it's important to note that even though this book is dense with information and was written about and for women, (1) it should be required reading for men because we all of us have at least one important woman in our lives and how we relate to her matters and (2) the paperback edition I read also featured some information on her follow-up research with men and boys that proves to be very illuminating.

This book gets to the core of the story behind some of our stories, offers a vocabulary for expressing important feelings and ideas, connects some important dots between seemingly unconnected conditions, and maps out a course of action across some difficult terrain that leads to healing and wholeness. I'm grateful to have found this resource.

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Aug 17, 2012 Sunshine Jeremiah rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: pastoral-care, social-commentary-justice, systems-theory

I am absolutely in love with Brene Brown's brain. This book does an excellent job of defining shame (and as different from guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, and low-self-esteem). She sources where and how shame occurs and how to escape the immobilizing impact it can have on spirit and heart. It is story-filled rather than explicitly informative which makes her work accessible to most anyone.

If you are a courageous person who appreciates the value of self-awareness and personal growth for indivi...more

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Aug 27, 2012 Matthew marked it as to-read

After hearing her Tedx talk, I wanted to explore her work further. I think of my upbringing in an extremely strict religious cult, and realize I've witnessed and experienced the damage of a shame-based culture firsthand. Although the book was originally geared towards women, so far it seems universal enough that it's worth a read by men as well.

3 likes · like · see review

Mar 31, 2013 Mark Goodman rated it 3 of 5 stars

I wanted to love this book because I love Brene Brown. Her podcast interviews with Tammie Simon and Krista Tippett as well as her TED talks have inspired me, changed me and touched me deeply. I find her to be an incredibly inspiring and courageous woman and I believe her research on Shame and vulnerability and full hearted living are changing and healing the world.

That said, I was disappointed by this book. I am wondering whether she is a better teacher and storyteller and presenter than writer...more

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Nov 03, 2012 Bdalton rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is the second Brene Brown book that I have read this year. I liked it better than the first as it was more focused on her key area of research - shame, specifically shame in women. Women experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. She lists twelve areas where women commonly experience shame: appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, be...more This is the second Brene Brown book that I have read this year. I liked it better than the first as it was more focused on her key area of research - shame, specifically shame in women. Women experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. She lists twelve areas where women commonly experience shame: appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, speaking out and surviving trauma. What makes us vulnerable to shame are the unwanted identities in these areas. Shame increases fear, blame, and disconnection. The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing true empathy. Brene explains that the first step to growing beyond shame is to recognize our shame triggers. She says "When I first started writing on shame, I actually referred to this element of shame resilience as "Acknowledging our Vulnerabilities" rather than "Understanding Our Shame Triggers." I changed it for a couple of reasons. First, over the past two years, I received hundreds of letters and e-mails from people who are applying the strategies in this book to build shame resilience. In the vast majority of these letters, people write about the power of "discovering their shame triggers."....Second, I think people still struggle with the term vulnerability. We equate vulnerability with weakness, and, in our culture, there are very few things we abhor more than weakness. This paragraph was very helpful in terms of understanding her TED talk and previous book more fully.

I like this book for many reasons. First, it links ideas well. It openly discusses the damage that gossip, lack of empathy, one-upmanship, and sympathy seeking causes. It talks about how shame and addiction go hand-in-hand. There is a range of stories from people who have been abused as children to women who are ashamed of their "class" or being faced with an unempathic comment when a child is behaving poorly. A part that resonanted is the role that the media plays in supporting a culture of shame. Brown makes valid points about the media. Perhaps this is a topic for another book. I also liked the few pages in the back that talked about making our children shame resilient, and hope that she writes a book solely on that topic.

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Jul 04, 2011 Ali Prendergast rated it 4 of 5 stars

Brené Brown does an excellent job of unpacking the concept of shame, walking through examples of how it happens in our lives, and explaining the habits we can develop to work through it. The accounts she gives of women experiencing shame are all too real. Her writing is especially interesting when she breaks down common misconceptions and describes how shame is a complicated cultural phenomenon. For example, one might think that a woman who has a high level of shame resilience is just a person w...more

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Feb 08, 2011 John rated it 5 of 5 stars

I wish I had read this book a long time ago. The information, ideas and conclusions in this book require more than just a single read through once. While I finished read the book today for the first time, this is a book which needs to be studied so that the concepts can be put into practice and shame resilience can become a honed skill in our lives. Though this book was written primarily with women in focus, both genders grow up in a culture of shame. I am glad that Brene included a brief assess...more

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May 04, 2012 Robin rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: feminism-and-fem-lit, i-own-a-copy, the-self-and-living-peacefully

This book is powerful and eye-opening. As I was reading, it was a constant stream of "yup. I do that. Tell me about it. I know!" in my head. I think there are few books that cover women's experiences with such knowledge and realism. This book doesn't promise to change your life or to prevent you from ever experiencing shame again, instead it shows you how shame affects you, where shame comes from, and how to deal with it. I think most women need to read this book (except, perhaps, those rock-sta...more

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Sep 13, 2012 Jess rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book, for me, was like how it is in college when you take your first class in psych and suddenly you see psychosis everywhere. I see shame and shaming everywhere now - in how people comment on the internet, talk about politics, treat kids, work together, tell stories about themselves... It really does pervade everything.

This book didn't make me feel less alone. It did make me realize, though, that to have true empathy with someone you need to realize you aren't there to fix or better them....more

6 likes · like · see review

Jun 14, 2012 Helen Farrell rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Well, this is the first book of its type I have read. I was sent it by a friend who felt I might find it helpful. And yes, it is helpful to know that so many other women have feelings and have had experiences that are so painfully familiar. Shame is a very lonely feeling. It is the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed".

However, I do have a big issue with the fact that she only addresses shame in women - and it is definitely not exclusive to the female sex. Addition...more

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May 02, 2012 Giedra rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Really really interesting book that teaches "shame resilience." Brown explains exactly what shame is; differentiates it from guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation; shares stories that illustrate 12 or so areas of potential shame (eg, appearance and body image, motherhood, sex, religion, career, family history, addictions); and goes through 4 elements of being resilient to shame. Her main point is that shame separates people by preventing them from being authentic with one another.

I don't think...more

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Jun 30, 2011 Shannon rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, my_favorites

A blogger friend mentioned Brene Brown after I wrote a blog post about vulnerability. My friend said in her comment that I was courageous, yet I'd written the post about how scary it was to be vulnerable. I was puzzled as to how that made me courageous. Then I read I Thought It Was Just Me and I understood better. Brown explains courage as the strength to speak your heart - and this type of courage is one of the key ways to develop and maintain shame resilience.

As I read this book, I felt a bit...more

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Mar 22, 2013 Elizabeth Welch rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Great book about "shame resilience", the most debilitating of all emotions and one that we rarely talk about because it feels shameful. It was a hard book to read at times because shame is just hard all around. Brene Brown's point though is that shame grows through our silence. Shame is an emotion that everyone feels (unless you are sociopathic) and shame resilience occurs when we use our "connection network" to "speak shame." Blaming and shaming go together to separate us from one another. Sham...more

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Jun 06, 2012 Patty rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2012, non-fiction, psychology, women, women-writers, 2009, feminism, relationships, compassion, self-help, self-image, self-improvment, shame

One of the most amazing things on the Internet (in my opinion) is the existence of TED talks. I have been sent to this site of Ideas Worth Spreading by friends, by other librarians, and bloggers. There are a lot of useless things on the 'Net, but these videos are not useless. They are inspiring, educational and sometimes just plain fun.

So I encountered Brene Brown on her TED talk thanks to Dave Lose (http://www.davidlose.net). After listening to her, I had to read this book and I was not disappo...more

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Jun 27, 2012 Rubina rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: personal-development

An eye-opening book on a subject that is little discussed - shame. Dr Brene Brown, a shame researcher, shares in this book how in a quest for perfection and also to conform to society, shame is often used to try to change a person's behavior. She teaches how to build our shame resilience through recognizing and understanding our shame triggers, practicing critical awareness (understanding the link between our personal experiences and the larger social systems), reaching out to others (learning t...more

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Nov 15, 2011 Kate rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I learned a lot about myself reading this book. It was hard and powerful, and I think all my other high-achieving perfectionist female friends would benefit from the self-study also. I think that I will have to re-read parts of it to help me in the future. It is not a quick and easy self help book, but the kind that sparks a journey and a lot of work.

When I finished, I moved on to Brown's other book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," and got a lot out of that one also. This book was a zoomed in view...more

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May 21, 2009 Juliette Williams rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This review may sound strange, but it's only because the author's book and her blog/podcast have taken me into, through and out into a new place. (shift to personal experience for a moment): I've done a lot of study about shame in world culture. I've written about it, spoken to women in several countries, started a blog (but dropped it quickly, wasn't ready to do something like that yet), blah blah blah. Then I dropped it all when things got stressful and life threw some curve balls at me. Don't...more

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Dec 08, 2011 Kayen rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: psychology

A very good book. Like all of the women in this book, I too have experienced shame and the complex mix of emotions it brings with it. I never really had a way to explain what I was feeling at the time, never really knew why certain things made me angry and want to lash out. This book finally gave me a word to describe all that, in addition to listing out steps we can take to develop shame resilience.

The book describes shame as the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are fla...more

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Nov 30, 2012 Sally rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: skimmed

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_...

watch it!

I'm weary of the scholar names attached to every single idea she brings up. Not sure that's the best strategy for a non-scholarly, popular book. Interesting definitions. Helpful ideas.

Interested in buying.

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Dec 22, 2012 Heidi rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I guess I'm in the minority here when I say I found this book to be rather the opposite of helpful. I found the tone to be one of assumption from the author, even though I know she had back up research. I don't personally think or feel the things the women in the book seem to and I found it almost degrading to be labeled as having serious shame issues simply because I am a woman. I similarly found it nearly degrading to have my identity broken down into such small bits. The author seems to speak...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Jill rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Fantastic read by a social worker/researcher who has dedicated her life to the study of shame - why we feel it, what casues it, how we can rise above it. Amazingly readable (most psycho-babble books are usually too dry for me) and hugely helpful (I literally found myself relating to one or more of the stories in every single chapter - who hasn't had that conversation with a friend or their mom where something was said about your weight or how you parent or whatever that leaves you red in the fac...more

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Dec 04, 2012 Jenny rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, womens

It is incredibly important to distinguish shame from other similar emotions (such as guilt, embarrassment and humiliation), because when we recognize what we feel we can act on it. We cannot not feel shame but we can develop shame - resilience.

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Apr 14, 2013 Tim is currently reading it · review of another edition

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

“The culture of shame is driven by fear, blame and disconnection, and it is often a powerful incubator for issues like perfectionism, stereotyping, gossiping and addiction.”

Brene Brown has studied and speaks directly to women but this describes what happens to gay people and traits commonly found in the gay community exactly.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling...more

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Oct 23, 2012 Katie Lynn rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I liked what she articulated in the beginning about "power-over" vs "real power".
Power-over: "I will define who you are and then I'll make you believe that's your own definition."
Real power: "...basically the ability to change something if you want to change it."

I also appreciated her bit on invisibility. The project of collage-ing "ones ideals" vs. "realistic representation of one" (fashion, clothes, shoes, arms, legs, hair, etc).
"When we don't see ourselves reflected back in our culture, we f...more

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May 02, 2012 Angela rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I think that every single woman should read this book. I have already recommended it to many friends and family members. It is life altering. I highlighted a ton in this book!

"...I often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection-the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging...the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy."

"We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move throu...more

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Dec 27, 2011 Jenny rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: self-help

FABULOUS!!

I borrowed this book from BSU library; it was really hard to get my hands on it. It came recommended by a few friends who were also doing some research on shame. I loved this book so much that I had to purchase it. I continue to be amazed at the deep impact that shame has on individuals. Most interesting is its' strong ties to all types of addiction. We all have shame to some degree, and should learn how to not let it damage our relationships and lives. This is the perfect book to help...more

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Dec 04, 2012 Bookseller Cate rated it 4 of 5 stars

In her talk at TED2012, Dr. Brown describes her reaction to her first TED Talk (at TEDxHouston) andthe video going viral with over 4 million views. At one point in her story, a friend teasingly accuses her of being "the worst vulnerability role model ever". But in truth, the fact that Dr. Brown is willing to share her own stories makes her one of the better role models.

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) is full of stories not only from Dr. Brown's research subjects, but also from her own li...more In her talk at TED2012, Dr. Brown describes her reaction to her first TED Talk (at TEDxHouston) and the video going viral with over 4 million views. At one point in her story, a friend teasingly accuses her of being "the worst vulnerability role model ever". But in truth, the fact that Dr. Brown is willing to share her own stories makes her one of the better role models.

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) is full of stories not only from Dr. Brown's research subjects, but also from her own life, like when her need to be perceived as an organized and responsible mother drove her to "steal" cookies for her daughter's class party.

We all have moments when we feel that rush of inadequacy when we are not what we are supposed to be. I'm desperate to be perceived as smart, well-read and interested in many topics and perspectives. A customer's incredulous cry of "You haven't read [book of the moment]?" can send a flush up my neck and set me stammering. Or at least, it could before I found Dr. Brown's theories. My old reaction is by no means gone, but I'm much more likely to reach out for empathy with a shrug and a smile, saying "There are just so many, aren't there?" Ironically, my new method is much more likely to gain the customer's trust and respect regarding my recommendations.

We can't eliminate shame from our lives, but according to Dr. Brown, we can develop shame-resilience though four techniques: recognizing our personal shame triggers, practicing critical awareness, reaching out to our connection networks, and talking openly about shame and how to combat it.

One of the most useful parts of Dr. Brown's work, which she repeats in this books, is the delineation between shame and guilt. Shame is "I am bad"; guilt is "I did something bad". Having it spelled out so succinctly is a great help in practicing self-empathy, a first step in changing those behaviours we don't like (as opposed to the more dangerous and futile task of trying to change ourselves).

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) focusses on women, with only a short chapter at the end exploring the beginnings of her research on men. Her newer book Daring Greatly is much more balanced between the genders and the one I would most recommend to men starting their own shame-resilience journey. That said, this book's depth of exploration into the hidden lives of women make it a rewarding read for anyone seeking to better understand the women in their lives.

This review also appears at Boxes of Paper.(less)

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Apr 28, 2012 Chavonne rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Every Woman I Know

Recommended to Chavonne by: Amy, Allison

Shelves: favorite-books-of-all-time, blackness, clinical-resources, food, health-and-wellness, mindful-eating, nonfiction

I want to give this a 4.95, but as I cannot I'll have to round up. This book has already changed me. I have been trying this year to acknowledge and move away from the shame that motivates a lot of my behavior. While reading this book, I had two very applications of the idea of "sharing your story". Firstly, I admitted my anxiety and another person reflected how her not being the only feeling this way about our work helped her feel less shame. Secondly, I admitted how someone's comment at work c...more

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Apr 23, 2012 Abby rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites, non-fiction

I first heard about Brene Brown during a yoga workshop. The instructor mentioned Brene's TEDTalk from December 2010 as one of the most powerful pieces on vulnerability, connection and shame. It wasn't long after seeing the video that I went out and got this book.

I started it back in November 2011 and it's taken me until just now to finish it. As a life long perfectionist, it took me a while to get through it because so much of it resonated. Every paragraph had a phrase that had me nodding, or r...more

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Mar 09, 2011 Amy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Brené Brown compiles well over a decade of work on shame into this book to excellent effect. Her work in shame and how shame affects women, their self view, their relationships with others, and their ability to be authentic all rang very true to me.

I believe I will re-read this book many times, and have dog-eared many pages that were particularly familiar and powerful. The book addresses the ways that shame (as opposed to guilt) reflects on the self and self-worth in a way that prevents personal...more

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About Brené Brown

Dr. Brené Brown is a writer, researcher, and educator. She is a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the past ten years studying connection - specifically authenticity, belonging, and shame, and the affect these powerful emotions have on the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.

Dr. Brown teaches graduate...more

More about Brené Brown...

Books by Brené Brown

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection

The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, & Courage

Men, Women & Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough

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Quotes from I Thought It Was Just ...

“If you want to make a difference, the next time you see someone being cruel to another human being, take it personally. Take it personally because it is personal!” (p 272)” — 32 people liked it

“Compassion is not a virtue -- it is a commitment. It's not something we have or don't have -- it's something we choose to practice.” — 11 people liked it

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