Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

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Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

3.89 of 5 stars 3.89 · rating details · 3,557 ratings · 189 reviews

Emotional Intelligence was an international phenomenon, appearing on the New York Times bestseller list for over a year and selling more than five million copies worldwide. Now, once again, Daniel Goleman has written a groundbreaking synthesis of the latest findings in biology and brain science, revealing that we are “wired to connect” and the surprisingly deep impact of o...more Emotional Intelligence was an international phenomenon, appearing on the New York Times bestseller list for over a year and selling more than five million copies worldwide. Now, once again, Daniel Goleman has written a groundbreaking synthesis of the latest findings in biology and brain science, revealing that we are “wired to connect” and the surprisingly deep impact of our relationships on every aspect of our lives.

Far more than we are consciously aware, our daily encounters with parents, spouses, bosses, and even strangers shape our brains and affect cells throughout our bodies—down to the level of our genes—for good or ill. In Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explores an emerging new science with startling implications for our interpersonal world. Its most fundamental discovery: we are designed for sociability, constantly engaged in a “neural ballet” that connects us brain to brain with those around us.

Our reactions to others, and theirs to us, have a far-reaching biological impact, sending out cascades of hormones that regulate everything from our hearts to our immune systems, making good relationships act like vitamins—and bad relationships like poisons. We can “catch” other people’s emotions the way we catch a cold, and the consequences of isolation or relentless social stress can be life-shortening. Goleman explains the surprising accuracy of first impressions, the basis of charisma and emotional power, the complexity of sexual attraction, and how we detect lies. He describes the “dark side” of social intelligence, from narcissism to Machiavellianism and psychopathy. He also reveals our astonishing capacity for “mindsight,” as well as the tragedy of those, like autistic children, whose mindsight is impaired.

Is there a way to raise our children to be happy? What is the basis of a nourishing marriage? How can business leaders and teachers inspire the best in those they lead and teach? How can groups divided by prejudice and hatred come to live together in peace?

The answers to these questions may not be as elusive as we once thought. And Goleman delivers his most heartening news with powerful conviction: we humans have a built-in bias toward empathy, cooperation, and altruism–provided we develop the social intelligence to nurture these capacities in ourselves and others.

From the Trade Paperback edition.(less)

Hardcover, 416 pages

Published September 26th 2006 by Bantam (first published January 1st 2006)

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Jul 26, 2011 James Lamp rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book is supposed to be the sequel to Emotional Intelligence. Goleman further argues that IQ is a poor way of gauging intelligence or how successful someone will be in life. This book is full of neuro-science, brain physiology and psychological studies involving children, medical and psychological patients, inmates and ordinary people. He explores such ideas as emotional contagion, social rewiring of abused and neglected youths, the Us vs. Them mindset, how humans form attachments to others,...more

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Mar 04, 2013 Teri rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book had been on my radar to read for years. I think I avoided it thinking it was yet another "self-help" - of which I read far too many of in my mid-30s and 40s. A friend recently persuaded me to pick it up. In part, it could be viewed in that genre, but it was so much more. The author delves into neuroscience and how the brain works with our social interactions and communication with others. He writes about our "capacity for joy," communicating on the nonverbal level, or capacity for comp...more

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Feb 24, 2013 Gian Fiero rated it 2 of 5 stars

What if you were told that your ability to connect with people and maintain meaningful relationships was not only the key to your survival, but your success?

Daniel Goleman who rode to fame with popularizing the work of Peter Salovey and John Mayer in EQ, delivers this message in Social Intelligence, his follow-up.

The book continues his trend of popularizing the research of others in somewhat of a sprawling fashion, but makes its point early on. The rest essentially serves the purpose of support...more

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Jun 27, 2011 Seth Jenson rated it 3 of 5 stars

Here are some interesting quotes from the book:

“When someone dumps their toxic feelings on us, explodes in anger or threats, shows disgust or contempt, they activate in us circuity for those very same distressing emotions. Their act has potent neurological consequences. Emotions are contagious. We catch strong emotions much as we do a rhino virus, and so can come down with an emotional cold. Every social interaction has an emotional subtext. Along with whatever else we are doing, we can make ea...more

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Feb 03, 2010 Trish rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

This was interesting, but not as incisive as his earlier Emotional Intelligence. It seemed a collection of chapters heading in a direction, but never really pulling it all together. I did learn a few things...the heavy-duty emotional work of the brain is generally done on the left side, and that the most important part of reaching attunement with another is through eye contact. It seems like we should know this, and we might say "of course," but sometimes it is the simple things that are the mos...more

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Jun 22, 2010 Melissa is currently reading it

This book is very fascinating to me. It is research is neurobiology and is filled with wonderful research and data about how different parts of our brain affect change in our social behavior. It also has quite a bit of research about how early trauma effects brain development and can later effect styles of communication.

I think this should be required reading for all 10th graders. I say 10th graders because I believe they are at the place developmentally to really absorb and implement what Golem...more

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Jul 28, 2011 Mark rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I love what S. Anton “Explorer” writes in his Amazon review: “If you are expecting to learn anything that can actually help you in your life, forget it. An odd collection of quirky insights that in the great scheme of things add up to nothing.” While I’m not quite so harsh as to give the book a mere 1 star (I’ll give it 3), S. Anton’s review does a good job summarizing my gut reaction to the book:

1. I bought the paperback and found the rambling style difficult to plod through. Fortunately, I acq...more I love what S. Anton “Explorer” writes in his Amazon review: “If you are expecting to learn anything that can actually help you in your life, forget it. An odd collection of quirky insights that in the great scheme of things add up to nothing.” While I’m not quite so harsh as to give the book a mere 1 star (I’ll give it 3), S. Anton’s review does a good job summarizing my gut reaction to the book:

1. I bought the paperback and found the rambling style difficult to plod through. Fortunately, I acquired the audiobook through the library and found listening to that while driving and bicycling somewhat easier. Rarely have I started a book I was so happy to finish simply in order to begin something less plodding and with more substance!

2. The whole book is based on the (in my opinion) still developing and insufficiently supported science of mirror neurons, and of “low road” versus “high road.” Yet as Goleman himself confesses, “the neural specifics of both systems have yet to be worked out and are still under debate.” (p. 321)

3. Much of the supposed scientific conclusions do nothing more than affirm common sense. You don’t need a doctorate to know most of what is concluded within these pages.

4. Content useful for personal application is skimpy at best, and that statement might be considered generous. I will, however, try to find time to investigate further topics mentioned by Goleman such as the Baron-Cohen test, empathy quotient, the eye test, PONS, and Ekman’s’ test for reading micro-expressions (pp 87 and 139).

5. One of the many times Goleman summarizes his thesis can be found on page 314: “the exquisite social responsiveness of the brain demands that we realize that not just our own emotions but our very biology is being driven and molded for better or for worse, by others—and in turn, that we take responsibility for how we affect the people in our lives.” Being as the book is highly repetitive, my advice to you is to read the first chapter and maybe skim one or two more, skipping ahead quickly to the epilogue. In hindsight, I would have been better off doing that with both of the “intelligence” books by Goleman I have read to date. Spend the time relating emotionally and socially with people instead!

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Feb 21, 2011 Sharon rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: mental-health

It's hard to classify how I felt about this book. The technical sections, which explain the neuroscience behind social connection, were interesting (although sometimes on the dry side).

Where the book really came to life were the anecdotes and real-life case studies that explained how the neuroscience works out in the world. Examining how the "social brain" can be rewired with training in empathy, etc., was fascinating.

Over all, I would say that this book belongs on the shelf next to Goleman's ot...more

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May 14, 2012 Ashley K rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is a fascinating book, to the extreme. I feel like I've referenced this book to friends and family more than other books because so much of it feels so accessible while also being eye-opening. I am an incredibly optimistic person, but I also tend to see things in black and white. Us vs them. Right vs wrong. A lot of my preconceived notions of socialization were altered when reading this book, for the better.

The social solutions to world problems seem to be the ones that are thought of last...more

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May 03, 2011 Void lon iXaarii rated it 2 of 5 stars

The bad: From the start I saw in the book some quite bad/dangerous views on the world, and particularly the kinds of solutions it was proposing to some problems felt not based on reality but on wishy thinking, some even with dangerous consequences if implemented. Also the book contains quite a bit of A is A and looks like A type reasoning, with the effect of just saying obvious stuff (or even dictionary definitions?), which as well with some of the stories just dragged it on.
The good: so why did...more

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May 09, 2013 Waseem rated it 4 of 5 stars

its always interesting to read Daniels books...he really spells out many things we feel almost everyday, and the commentary about them helps one understand situations better, and in this instance - social

I particularly totally relate to and agree with the idea of toxic emotions / situations / stress linkage with real physical symptoms of illness and cause of diseases. Nowadays society just accepts the ideas of various sicknesses and names them under some umbrella, but its interesting how its all...more

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Jun 10, 2011 Dav rated it 4 of 5 stars

Goleman, a science writer for the New York Times, does a great job of making accessible the impact of neuroscience research on modern understanding of psychology in social matters. This was one of the most personally interesting books I've read, as large swaths of it were directly applicable to my life. For example, the impact of parenting styles on neurological development of children and the passages that led me to understand that I had at least a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome n my younger...more

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Mar 26, 2010 Francisco Palacio rated it 5 of 5 stars

Currently reading it, a fascinating and very well researched approach to what many have called in the past as "Enlightenment".

Shows why we react the way we do in many fora; and why it is such a challenge to empathize via CMAC ones. (Computer Mediated Asynchronous Communication)

Apropos, check out our Facebook Group: http://CMAC-Labs.US

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Feb 27, 2011 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Surprisingly, I really enjoyed this book, and that's coming from someone who is usually a reluctant non-fiction reader. I didn't really know what to expect, but I thought it was a well-written book overall. I enjoyed his synthesis of many different psychological studies. There were many times when I had to lean over to my husband and say "get this..." because of something interesting I had read. He also gave really good, relatable examples of how particular psychological principles work in real...more

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Dec 02, 2008 Don rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

In my ongoing exploration of emotional intelligence, I decided to give this book a try in an effort to build my own skills at recognizing and responding to social situations. I learned early into reading this that I had chosen the wrong book. Goleman goes into a fair amount of depth explaining the neurological basis for our emotional reactions to social stimuli, but doesn't extend the discussion to how we can build the ability to read social situations and modulate our own behaviors and response...more

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Mar 08, 2012 Sean Kottke rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012, adult-professional

Not as laser-focused or as immediately useful as Emotional Intelligence, it's really a survey of the state of the art of social psychology and emotional neuroscience, as seen through the lens of positive psychology. The descriptions of how things are supposed to work and what's not working when they don't are strong, but practical strategies for nurturing social intelligence in individuals or organizations where it is underdeveloped are not as well-defined as in Goleman's E.I. books. A good read...more

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Oct 13, 2012 Keith Kendall rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology

I recently started the Evelyn Wood reading dynamics program (often called speed reading). This book, like many others in this field drone on about various research that has been done. I decided to try the technique of skimming the book and then read it. It worked. The reading became a lot more interesting and meaningful.

We are prewired for kindness. (Ch 4)

Spindle cells are unique to primates & humans have a lot of them. (Ch 5)

Terminology used in this book:
- Low Road - The emotional response...more

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Jul 11, 2008 Polly Trout rated it 4 of 5 stars

Goleman and I share a common passion for the places where spiritual practice and psychology overlap, and his work fascinates me. In both "Emotional Intelligence" and Social Intelligence" he shows how we can use our conscious minds to rewire our neurological response patterns, thus increasing the quality of our lives. In other books, Goleman explicitly talks about his belief that spiritual practices, like meditation or chanting, work because they rewire neural circuits along healthier pathways. T...more Goleman and I share a common passion for the places where spiritual practice and psychology overlap, and his work fascinates me. In both "Emotional Intelligence" and Social Intelligence" he shows how we can use our conscious minds to rewire our neurological response patterns, thus increasing the quality of our lives. In other books, Goleman explicitly talks about his belief that spiritual practices, like meditation or chanting, work because they rewire neural circuits along healthier pathways. This book does not deal with it directly, but if you understand that framework it provides a lot of food for thought along those lines.

For example, Goleman discusses "The Three Styles of Attachment," which are partly inherited and partly sculpted by social/parental influences in infancy and early childhood. He writes,

"Our childhood leaves its stamp on our adult ardor nowhere more clearly than in our "attachment system," the neural networks that operate whenever we relate to the people who matter the most to us. As we have seen, children who are well nurtured and feel their caretakers to empathize with them become secure in their attachments, neither overly clingy nor pushing away. But those whose parents neglect their feelings and who feel ignored become avoidant, as though they have given up hope of achieving a caring connection. And children whose parents are ambivalent, unpredictably flipping from rage to tenderness, become anxious and insecure."

So the three attachment styles are anxious, secure, and avoidant.

It is interesting to compare this theory side by side with the Buddhist theory (also found in some strains of Hindu philosophy, like the Yoga Sutras) that in order to become fully established in wisdom and compassion, we need to transcend both attachment and aversion. I think some people misinterpret this to mean that we need to cultivate emotional aloofness, an "avoidant attachment style" in the above paradigm. I think it is more useful to see the middle path as analogous to the "secure" attachment style -- centered, grounded, and avoiding the two extremes of clinginess (attachment) and aloofness (aversion). The secure attachment style allows us to enjoy both intimacy and solitude. The anxious person clings fearfully to intimacy and is not able to learn how to joyfully embrace solitude, while the avoidant person is unable to fully experience intimacy. The secure person joyfully embraces bothy intimacy and solitude because she knows how to stay centered in the radiant core of her true being.

I personally believe that we have both biological and spiritual dimensions, as does all of life. Goleman's work interests me because it gives me concrete ideas for how to more effectively tinker with my biological self, so that I can more fully live in my spiritual self.(less)

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Mar 29, 2013 David rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is not a book for everyone, as there are many technical explanations of the mechanics of the brain. The book tends to be very dry. It's also full of numerous anecdotes. Toward the end, I did find myself hoping the book would end soon.

Despite all the negativity above, this book is excellent. The introduction of the concept of "I-It" was a big one for me. The explanations of the workings of the mind helped me to realize that my somewhat narcissistic tendencies and lack of real empathy and co...more

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Sep 04, 2007 Polly Jirkovsky added it

I usually don't finish non-fiction, but I read almost all of this book. I enjoyed the exploration of of neurological mechanisms behind social interactions, the science of why a certain interaction can just feel "off". I also liked Goleman's broader worldview- that violence and distrust are encouraged not innate. The last chunk of the book deals with how stress hormones, such as cortisol, affect the body's ability to fend off illness, showing a direct correlation between oppression and ill health...more

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Mar 23, 2013 Don Weidinger rated it 4 of 5 stars

kneel and smile, kindness is catching, self absorption kills empathy, during stress more calming chemicals released in women than men, narcissism benefits no one, empathy conflict resolution interpersonal skills for best medical, MO leading in juvenile treatment methods 8% back w/3 vs 30 and no suicides, strong emotional connection eliminates negativity and prejudice.

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Jun 24, 2012 Laura Gilfillan rated it 3 of 5 stars

A lot of things to think about with this one. I especially liked the concept of the brain to brain connection, and also the fluidity of the brain's development. That even if you have suffered a lack in emotional development, there is a way to repair and develop it through current healthy relationships. I also liked the analysis of what it takes to be socially intelligent.

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Jul 29, 2011 irfan darian rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Some interesting ideas, which somehow or rather, have perhaps reconfirmed my assumptions on some social phenomena that I have observed around me. It is interesting the number of 'A-HA' moments that I have while reading this, especially when placed in a social context that we are living in. Can get a little too technical at times, but overall an interesting 'deep' read.

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Feb 17, 2009 Judith rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is an educational read. I skipped the section about love.
He uses acronyms and I forgot what they mean so I had to think think think to remember what he was talking about.
He had me going back to my childhood and realizing why I do the things I go. Of course, it's all my parents fault.
If you want to improve your relationships this is the book for you.

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Sep 01, 2012 Alice rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

A well researched, very interesting read. Gives light to how our interactions with others can have such a great affect.

Even more intriguing is how many of our hard wired reactions appear to have developed far back in evolutionary history - well before primates.

I recommend this for anyone who considers themselves a student of human behavior - amateur or pro.

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Jul 11, 2012 Johanna Diaz rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great book for older high school students and adults to read about learning how to behave in social situations. What are the signals that we receive from others and how to read them appropriately. This will help students as they venture into college and meet all different types of people and start new relationships (friendships, boyfriends, girlfriends, mentors etc.)

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Jan 04, 2009 Jeanine Marie Swenson rated it 5 of 5 stars

Even better sequel to the popular bestseller, Emotional Intelligence, this book has provided me with comfort and reassurance. We are hard-wired to connect emotionally and socially, despite the cultural messages of individualism, selfish, greed and consumption. Our higher power has provided us internally with all the tool that we need to survive and thrive.

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Mar 31, 2013 Rubina rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology

First of all, i must reaffirm that i am a fan of Daniel Goleman. However, while this book is generally interesting, it is not as incisive as his earlier work, "Emotional Intelligence". The book felt disjointed and rambling at times. Overall, not as concise and insightful as i thought it could have been especially considering the potential of subject matter.

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Jun 29, 2008 Lulu marked it as to-read Recommends it for: a VERY bored snowed-in hermit

Recommended to Lulu by: my best friend

Shelves: will-i-ever-finish-this-book

My friend and I started reading this book at exactly the same time, one year ago. I made a comment to him over coffee 2 or 3 weeks ago about some trivia I had gleaned from Social Intelligence, and asked what he thought of that particular chapter. His reply was priceless (on many levels). He sighed and whispered "I am STILL reading it!". I leaned in an whispered, "SO AM I!". We agreed completely on these points: 1. This book is not good enough to devour, but not bad enough to give up on. 2. Eithe...more

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Sep 17, 2011 Devorah rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: cognitive-psychology, social-history

How scientists understand the cognitive functioning of humans in social interaction, elegantly presented. Connection, rapport, altruism, disaffection. Mind "reading", nurturing, desire. Narcissists, Machiavelians, psychopaths. More about the social brain than I ever imagined. But the best thing is Goleman's clear, engaging, incisive writing.

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About Daniel Goleman

Daniel Goleman (born March 7, 1946) is an author, psychologist, and science journalist. For twelve years, he wrote for the New York Times, specializing in psychology and brain sciences.

Goleman authored the internationally best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence (1995, Bantam Books), that spent more than one-and-a-half years on the New York Times Best Seller list. Goleman developed the argument t...more

More about Daniel Goleman...

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Quotes from Social Intelligence: T...

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.” — 234 people liked it

“The argument has long been made that we humans are by nature compassionate and empathic despite the occasional streak of meanness, but torrents of bad news throughout history have contradicted that claim, and little sound science has backed it. But try this thought experiment. Imagine the number of opportunities people around the world today might have to commit an antisocial act, from rape or murder to simple rudeness and dishonesty. Make that number the bottom of a fraction. Now for the top value you put the number of such antisocial acts that will actually occur today.

That ratio of potential to enacted meanness holds at close to zero any day of the year. And if for the top value you put the number of benevolent acts performed in a given day, the ratio of kindness to cruelty will always be positive. (The news, however, comes to us as though that ratio was reversed.)

Harvard's Jerome Kagan proposes this mental exercise to make a simple point about human nature: the sum total of goodness vastly outweighs that of meanness. 'Although humans inherit a biological bias that permits them to feel anger, jealousy, selfishness and envy, and to be rude, aggressive or violent,' Kagan notes, 'they inherit an even stronger biological bias for kindness, compassion, cooperation, love and nurture – especially toward those in need.' This inbuilt ethical sense, he adds, 'is a biological feature of our species.” — 12 people liked it

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