Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct

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Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct

3.74 of 5 stars 3.74 · rating details · 454 ratings · 116 reviews

Most people would agree that thoughtful behavior and common decency are in short supply, or simply forgotten in hurried lives of emails, cellphones, and multi-tasking. In Choosing Civility, P. M. Forni identifies the twenty-five rules that are most essential in connecting effectively and happily with others. In clear, witty, and, well...civilized language, Forni covers top...more

Paperback, 208 pages

Published November 8th 2003 by St. Martin's Griffin (first published 2002)

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Jun 11, 2009 Valerie rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book had some good advice. The begginning is very slow. So much so that I found myself falling asleep but its mostly just the first part of the book.

Part One of the book mostly argues why civility is important and that being polite isn't hypocritical.

Part Two gives all the dos and don'ts to do with house guests, strangers, coworkers, etc. This is where the 25 rules of conduct are.
Part Three just sums up everything.

Like I mentioned before it has good advice so it was useful but just a bit...more

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Apr 27, 2012 Erin rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012, read-non-fiction, work-related

First, I think this book needs a new title. I like the subtitle "The twenty-five rules of considerate conduct" because that spoke to why I picked up this book: I wanted to be a more considerate person. "Choosing Civility" makes it sound like we've all been uncivil until now, and I found it to be a little holier-than-thou.

Second, this book needs an editor. The first 30 pages argue the case for civility, which is unnecessary because you've already gotten the reader to pick up the book. The last 30...more First, I think this book needs a new title. I like the subtitle "The twenty-five rules of considerate conduct" because that spoke to why I picked up this book: I wanted to be a more considerate person. "Choosing Civility" makes it sound like we've all been uncivil until now, and I found it to be a little holier-than-thou.

Second, this book needs an editor. The first 30 pages argue the case for civility, which is unnecessary because you've already gotten the reader to pick up the book. The last 30 pages do the same thing. But the meat of the book, the 25 rules, are actually quite good.

I found that this was a book that should be nibbled at over time. The 25 rules are all standard codes of conduct, but what was helpful for me was the reminder of why each rule was important, and the mirror held up to my own behavior. "Think the best" was one rule, and I happened to read that chapter when I was caught in the act of doing the opposite. There is an opening at work, and I disagree a previous hiring decision for the position. When I watched presentations by the new candidates, I was letting that color my perceptions of them. Forni challenges the reader to consider where their feelings are actually coming from, and think the best of the person: "Try to evaluate the person apart from the situation. Give him or her a fair chance. As a result, you will give the situation a chance to work." I wasn't doing that, and it would have damaged my relationship with whoever was chosen for the position, which would have been incredibly unfair to them.

Overall I enjoyed the book, but it could be a little over the top at times. In the "mind your body" chapter (which I erroneously thought would be about personal space), this quote almost made me quit the book:

"Your doctor will be exposed to parts of your naked body when he or she sees you for your checkup. If you don't feel clean after a day at work, go home to scrub and shower before your appointment. If this is impossible, clean yourself as best you can in your workplace bathroom. Make a mental note to better coordinate your commitments the next time."

Am I a more civil person because of the book? Probably not, but I'm working on being more aware of my behavior. Am I glad I read it? Absolutely. Do I wish I could make it mandatory reading for certain people in my life? Emphatic yes.(less)

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Feb 06, 2009 Polly Trout rated it 4 of 5 stars

Forni defines civility as the art of cultivating respectful relationships with the purpose of being good community members and good neighbors. This is a charming and kindhearted book about why life is better when we are thoughtful and respectful with each other. Forni treats kindness and consideration in relationships as art forms that can be learned, taught, and honed; he digs through the ritual of etiquette to find their philosophic foundations. His "25 Rules" include advice like: pay attentio...more Forni defines civility as the art of cultivating respectful relationships with the purpose of being good community members and good neighbors. This is a charming and kindhearted book about why life is better when we are thoughtful and respectful with each other. Forni treats kindness and consideration in relationships as art forms that can be learned, taught, and honed; he digs through the ritual of etiquette to find their philosophic foundations. His "25 Rules" include advice like: pay attention to people, think the best of others, be inclusive, speak kindly, respect others. He is an elegant writer and an intelligent man, so the book is better than the average self help book. I especially like his insistence that it is not only possible but also ideal to be civil AND assertive at the same time; that we need a healthy balance of self expression and kindness in our lives, and that the best response to rudeness or cruelty is a dignified, steady, self-respecting "No, thank you."

So I would recommend this book to anybody, with one caveat: when Forni moves from the abstract to the concrete, his prescription for etiquette becomes the quaint and myopic musings of an old middle class white guy from Italy. He has a blind spot for the fact that his abstract advice (respect the opinions of others, respect cultural diversity, don't speak ill of others) directly clashes with his distress when others have cultural norms different than his own. For example, one of his rules is "Avoid Person Questions." He writes, "The stranger you just met doesn't need to know whether your pregnancy was planned or the amount of your pay raise. This kind of information presumes a close relationship. One way to respect others is by being discreet about our own personal matters." This is very good advice -- if you are talking to uptight white middle class men. But it is not always the cultural norm.

Compare Forni's rules of etiquette with this paragraph from the excellent essay "Across the Great Divide: Crossing Classes and Clashing Cultures" by Barbara Jensen in the anthology "What's Class Got to Do With It? American Society in the Twenty-First Century" (ed. Michael Zweig).

"Working class women often talk with each other about intimate problems, even if they do not know each other well -- this behavior includes the other person, makes her feel "like one of us." In the middle class, being polite and reserved is a way to show respect for others and one's self (on which there is a premium), and sharing confidences with someone you hardly know might be considered rude or at least declasse. In turn, this emotional reserve often seems a coldness to working class people -- a way of letting someone know you don't want them around or simply being rude. There are different meanings for the same behaviors."

This is certainly my experience, so what I try to do is to pay attention to the social and cultural cues of the person I am with and adapt my communication style to them, so that we can more easily establish rapport. Yesterday, for example, I met an older African American woman, who shared her personal story with me and then immediately apologized for having done so -- I said that no apology was necessary, and responded by sharing some of my own personal experiences that I thought might resonate with her. This exchanged pleased her; I had met HER standards of what civility means, which is to build relationships and community on shared story telling, and in doing so signaled to her that I was not going to expect her to adapt to my cultural standards, but instead respect hers.

I think that what is key in building a cross-class, multicultural community, is to have open and respectful dialogue about what it means to be civil, kind, and respectful. When we take our own standards for granted, they are invisible and inarticulate, and then it is very hard to maintain true civility. If we are thoughtful about always staying grounded in the foundations of civility, then we can let go of old forms that don't work and create new forms that celebrate and nurture diversity.

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May 05, 2013 Cherokee Schill rated it 5 of 5 stars

so much better than a social etiquette guide.
how to respond to uncivilized behavior. more importantly, how to avoid getting sucked into uncivilized behavior by those around you.

1 like · like · see review

May 31, 2012 Indrani rated it 4 of 5 stars

My rating actually is somewhere between 3 and 4 stars.

As with "Saving Civility..." by Sara Hacala, I read this for work, with the thought of using it as a framework for group sessions with adolescent boys. Dr. Forni breaks his lessons in civility into 25 "mini-chapters", rather than Ms. Hacala's 52, however they cover many of the same subjects.

As others have noted, the first section of the book can feel a bit preachy. Dr. Forni spends this section making an argument that civility is a necessary...more

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Apr 11, 2012 Kendra rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

I recently attended a PLA webinar hosted by Howard County (Md.) Library System (HCLS) CEO Valerie J. Gross. She and her co-presenters discussed the change in culture that her library helped initiate within their community around the topic of civility. Small changes add up and create a kinder, healthier community that has the tools they need to discuss issues in an open environment.

A key tool to how Gross got started with the Choose Civility movement, which now involves over 100 partnering local...more

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Jan 14, 2010 Book Calendar rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: attention

P.M. Forni is writing about modern manners. He has come up with a list of ideas on how to be proper. Paying attention, listening, and being agreeable are all things which make most people much easier to get along with. Manners make society easier to negotiate.

The tips about manners include personal hygiene, physical appearance, and personal space all of which affect how we interact with others. We are reminded that when we are at our best is when people are most civil to us.

There are some poli...more

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Jul 26, 2009 Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance rated it 4 of 5 stars

Forni is European and it shows. He comes from a culture where respect for people is assumed. America disappoints him now and then. He wants to help America.
I need to practice these twenty-five things. If I practiced just these twenty-five things, I would be a much better person.
So what are they? Let me list them to remind myself:
1. Pay attention
2. Acknowledge others
3. Think the best
4. Listen
5. Be inclusive
6. Speak kindly
7. Don’t speak ill
8. Accept and give praise
9. Respect even a subtle “no”
10....more

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Apr 17, 2011 Whitney rated it 4 of 5 stars

A thought-provoking, for-the-most-part practical little book that makes the case for everyday thoughtfulness. And lest anyone think that's just a nice way of saying 'this book is about how to be a doormat,' I need to explain. Forni spends a lot of time on important potentially awkward moments we've all faced now and again, like how to say no to someone we care about and stick with it, how to let someone know when they have asked too personal a question, etc. What it comes down to is that kindnes...more

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Jan 12, 2009 Heidi Jorgensen rated it 5 of 5 stars

My Broker gave this book to all of her million dollar club members and asked us to read it. I don't usually like "self-help" type of books, but I really liked this one. It made me think about my relationships and how people view my actions/conduct. Civility is a dying value in our society. Losing civility can lead to all kinds of social problems/issues. This is really a book that everyone should read. I highly recommend it.

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Sep 28, 2010 Barb rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was an interesting read about our culture and where we stand on civility. Even though it may seem as if civility is a thing of the past, the author believes that we are becoming more openminded about accepting those who are different from ourselves as well as improving on respecting the environment, which can be viewed as forms of civility. We just have to get back to good old-fashioned caring for one another. I found a wonderful Chinese proverb in this book that I want to carry with me - D...more

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Feb 22, 2011 Jessica rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Very readable, thought-provoking book about courtesy, politeness, civility, whatever you want to call it.

What I liked: It tried to find a balance between paying attention to/respecting the needs of yourself and paying attention to/respecting the needs of others. Being civil doesn't just mean accommodating the requests of others, it also means recognizing your own boundaries and expressing your needs (politely). Basically, be mindful of yourself and the world around you, whether in terms of maki...more

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Dec 10, 2011 Amanda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

Lots of wonderful common sense information, that isn't really common for today's populace. In observing the lack of civility in America today, Forni outlines how to be a civil member of society. Perhaps this brief volume should be added to required reading lists so that future generations aren't the boars that their parents have become.

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Jan 23, 2009 Kristen rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is a fresh reminder of what my mother always told me growing up: Treat people like we would like to be treated. Someone previously commented on how this book is things our mother taught growing up, but somehow between being a child and growing into an adult, society has lost its way. When is it ever appropriate to treat people unkindly? Never, but somehow people think it's okay to cut people off in traffic and then flip them off because they were inconvenienced by having to wait for th...more

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Dec 13, 2011 Mary Z : ) rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: everyone

Shelves: self-improvement

This is not my usual book, since I'm always on the Fiction side of the library. I did enjoy it, though. As someone who has been disturbed by the increasing rudeness of our society, I was surprised when the author suggested that in some ways we're LESS rude than we were in the past. There's a new way of looking at things I hadn't considered, so on that basis alone it was worth my time.
I did like the rules, and the examples of uncivil vs. civil responses to the same situation. There are some rules...more

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Sep 14, 2009 Kimi rated it 4 of 5 stars

my sister put me onto this book. p.m forni is an italian professor living in the states, and is part of a 'civility project'. i don't know a lot about the project, but i really enjoyed the book (it was great to read on a full airplane with unbelievably uncivil fellow passengers; stopped me from being uncivil in response). however, you get to the end thinking, yes, this would be a wonderful world if everyone were more civil, but what do you do in the meantime? apparently the second book deals wit...more

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May 16, 2011 Joanne rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: social-commentary

This is not a self help book - although it is likely to help a lot of people. It is not a book aimed at teaching people how to manipulate others in order to get what they want either. This is a book that reiterates how we ought to behave as members of a group. Unfortunately late modern society makes it very easy to forget that we are part of a group because we are so committed to our individuality (amazing how "individuality" is expressed through trends...)and technology allows greater anonymity...more

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Nov 08, 2010 Ewurama rated it 3 of 5 stars

Another in my intermittent series of reads inspired by my desire to be a better lover of people. The concept is nice because it applies both to those close to us and those we don’t know at all, and encourages us to really honor and respect our fellow human beings. While I liked the concept and appreciated the list of rules, I felt the book could have been much stronger, as the author’s observations at times did not add much (or were somewhat weird but not in an insightful way). Still, a list to...more

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Oct 25, 2011 Karen Jett rated it 3 of 5 stars

Much of what is in this book has been said before, either by Mom or Miss Manners. What differs is the author's perspective. What matters is that even though we have heard it before, we forget and need reminding. And it's timely as it helps to explain current events like the March on Wall Street and Bank Transfer Day.

If you're interested, check out my blog at http://www.jettexcellence.com/blog/va... where I talk about how this all relates to current trends and small business strategic advantage....more

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Dec 24, 2012 Emily rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: self-help, meridian

A helpful little book, though somewhat repetitive, with some incredibly insightful gems sprinkled throughout.

Dr. Forni's Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct compiles, as the subtitle promises, 25 rules to smooth social interactions and show consideration for others. The rules actually only take up the middle of the book's three sections. The first section lays the groundwork for why considerate conduct is important. The second outlines the 25 specific guidelines. The...more

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Sep 08, 2011 Marjorie Elwood rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: inspiration

This was a lovely little book about why we should choose civility in our everyday lives and what that looks like. It was a good reminder of why we are polite with each other ("Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Eric Hoffer) and helped me realize where I might improve in my behavior towards others. Highly recommended.

For the library types out there: I learned about this in Public Libraries, July/August 2011: "Choose Civility: Public Libraries Take Center Stage".

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Jun 17, 2008 Amanda rated it 3 of 5 stars

The difficulty with a book like Choosing Civility is that only polite people will look at it and it preaches to the choir. It's a useful primer on manners, but there's nothing in here your mother didn't try to teach you.

I've actually attended a talk by Professor Forni and he is, as you would expect, very well mannered and gently polite. His talk was fascinating and his explanations for the decrease of civility were well researched and thought provoking

This was at a bookstore in Baltimore, Maryla...more

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May 24, 2012 Lennie Ross rated it 2 of 5 stars

How does one critique a book on civility with civility? This book was just a bit too basic. The advice was good, but the book is slow-paced and the points could have been addressed in far fewer pages... and it wasn't a very thick book to begin with. Felt like someone wrote it just to have the credit of having written a book. I would say there must be a better book on the subject out there. if you know what it is, feel free to recommend.

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Mar 05, 2012 Karan rated it 2 of 5 stars

it read like a laundry list of things one should do for the sake of being civil; because it had so many rules and mandates, i have a hard time remembering even one. to me, the book would've been more powerful if it addressed the causes rather than the symptoms of incivility---something like "emotional intelligence"---so that, instead of trying to memorize a laundry list of rules, a reader could try to attack incivility from the heart.

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Jul 11, 2010 Juliette rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Forni doesn't teach us anything new here. Don't say ill will about others. Be mindful of the noise you make. Wear clean clothing. Yet these 25 rules are constantly overlooked by us all in daily life and this book serves as the gentle reminder that we need in order to make this world a better place.
One of my new years resolutions was to make an even more considerable effort of being kind to others. This book has become one of my bibles. I will carry it until it with me until it's ragged and torn....more

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Oct 06, 2012 Sami rated it 5 of 5 stars

P.M. Forni has really put his finger on the pulse of today's world. The lack of respect and consideration that has become "accepted" behaviour in our society is becoming the demise of the fabric of our society. Is it really so hard to stand in another's shoes, is it really that important to be ONE car ahead and cut someone off to be so?? Really. Where are our manners????

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Jul 11, 2011 Mohan rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book strikes a balance between succinctness and adequate topic development. It explores the fundamentals underlying common precepts of civil behaviour and enunciates rules significant to greater cordiality in everyday life. Thus, it is a book worthwhile to young readers as well as those further on, as a reminder of values and their expression in routine interactions.

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Apr 05, 2011 Mw rated it 3 of 5 stars

I liked the author's ideas. I thought the first section could have been condensed and tightened.
The 25 rules were great, though some were developed/explained better than others.
Over all, I'd say almost all of us need to read this book and put into practice the rules in order to
understand each other, appreciate the strengths others have, and enjoy better relationships.

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Feb 17, 2011 Jeslyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Consoled me on some pages, indicted me on others - but in a good way; some terrific redirects. Also punctuated with some fantastic quotes throughout.

I gave this book to numerous friends and family as a gift since I thought it was such an excellent read; interestingly, the gift seemed to offend some...before reading. Hopefully not after.

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Aug 15, 2009 Meghan rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is for a college class and it was really good. I have experience reading books like this so it wasn't that hard for me. It was a real eye opener. It's all about being civil but as I read it, I thought about situations where I could have applied the rule and I feel like a new person and can actually see the world. This book was for my University 1000 class that doesn't start for another week. XD

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About P.M. Forni

Dr. Pier Massimo Forni is a professor in the Department of Germanic and Romance Languages and Literatures, Johns Hopkins University. In 1997 he co-founded the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, an aggregation of academic and community outreach activities that is aimed at assessing the significance of civility, manners and politeness in contemporary society. It has been reconstituted as The Civility I...more

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Books by P.M. Forni

The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude

The Thinking Life: How to Thrive in the Age of Distraction

La politesse, svp! Solutions pratiques pour briser le cycle de l'impolitesse

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“....a crucial measure of our success in life is the way we treat one another every day of our lives.” — 2 people liked it

“If we are kind and considerate, people will want to be around us, and we benefit from enduring circles of attention and care.” — 1 person liked it

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