Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Jul 17, 2007 Reader rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: reviewed, from_the_library

I picked up an audio book at the library the other day; primarily for my wife. On my way to work on Monday, I realized I didn't have anything cued up in my shuffle, so I grabbed Odd Girl Out on my way to the car. As the father of a new baby girl, I thought it might me interesting to find out about female "alternative aggression". Interesting is not the word. I am down right frightened. It isn't popular to say this, but I had a relatively idyllic childhood. I wasn't one of the Popular kids, but I...more

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Mar 07, 2009 Rachel rated it 4 of 5 stars

Every mother with a pre-teen or teen girl needs to read this book.

This book was disturbing for me, both as a parent and as a former girl. I clearly recognized myself as a victim of bullying throughout the book, but it also made me realize that, as a kid, I was also sometimes a perpetrator, which I had never thought about before.

Unfortunately it does a much better job of outlining the problem of girl bullying than it does at presenting solutions. That said, it is helping me better understand my...more

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Jan 14, 2009 Jane rated it 5 of 5 stars

I honestly think everyone should read this book – especially parents of girls. It’s about the ways in which girls deal with anger and aggression, as opposed to the ways in which boys do. The premise is that boys tend to be more direct in their aggression - physical confrontation - while in contrast, girls use an indirect approach known as relational aggression. Wikipedia's definition of relational aggression is a form of aggression where the group is used as a weapon to assault others and others...more I honestly think everyone should read this book – especially parents of girls. It’s about the ways in which girls deal with anger and aggression, as opposed to the ways in which boys do. The premise is that boys tend to be more direct in their aggression - physical confrontation - while in contrast, girls use an indirect approach known as relational aggression. Wikipedia's definition of relational aggression is a form of aggression where the group is used as a weapon to assault others and others' relationships. It uses lies, secrets, betrayals and a host of other two-faced tactics to destroy or damage the relationships and social standing of others in the group. [wikipedia article:] To be honest, reading this book has brought up a lot of memories. The following is the most vivid.

When I was little, I was an incredibly outgoing kid. I would talk to just about anybody, anywhere. I didn’t worry about making friends; it was just something that happened as I went along. I was very outspoken, too.

That all changed in the third grade. Even though I’m now 28 years old, my third grade year still ranks as one of the worst in my life. Third grade actually started off quite well. T. and H., girls who had been two of my best friends for several years, were in my class. There were also other girls in my class whom I easily befriended. One of these girls was K.

K was a year older than the rest of us; her mother had requested that she be held back, that she repeat the third grade, because she didn’t feel her daughter was mature enough to enter the fourth grade. If only her mother hadn’t made that decision, I probably would have turned out to be a very different person. At the beginning of the year, K became friends with H., T. and me. My birthday was in September, and that year I had my first ever birthday party. I invited six girls, and K. was one of them. We all had a great time.

One day in early October, during recess, as I was approaching T. and K., I heard them talking; they didn’t notice me behind them. K. was asking T. to play with her that day, and specifically asking her *not* to play with H., and T. agreed. I didn’t say anything to them; instead, I went and found H., and repeated the story to her. We concocted a plan to have T. and K. overhear H. asking me not to play with K. We put our plan into action, and that act of retribution was how one of the worst periods of my life began.

Immediately, K. began turning the rest of the class against us. She made up stories about us, told lies to other students about us, and once even told lies about me to my mother (who was a classroom volunteer). Instead of playing K’s game and trying to turn others against her, we simply defended ourselves; yet her campaign of hate was successful. Within a week, my third grade experience had gone from being great to being hell. Additionally, H. and I were enrolled in our school’s Gifted program. This meant that once a week she and I went to a special Gifted class, instead of to regular class with everyone else. For this, K. denounced us as nerds, and said that because we were “Gifted”, we thought we were better than everybody else. In addition to being nerds, she claimed that we were weird, strange, and not the sort of person one should be friends with. Suddenly no one in my class liked me and H. People whom I had liked now refused to talk to me – or if they did talk to me, it was only to call me names or to threaten me. Then, to make matters worse, I got glasses. I certainly need glasses – and I needed them back then – but nothing gives third graders ammunition like glasses. I was taunted relentlessly, and called Four Eyes more times than I could count. I had my glasses snatched off my face during recess. I had them held over my head, just out of reach (I have always been short).

I don’t know if my third grade teacher knew what was going on or not. One thing was certain: K. was one of my teacher’s favorites. K. had been in that class during her first time through third grade. As I mentioned above, she hadn’t failed the third grade; in fact, her grades had been quite decent. As such, she didn’t need to learn the third grade curriculum. Instead, the teacher drafted her to be somewhat of a teacher’s aide, a classroom watchman, and all about helper. Several times I was lectured by my teacher for various actions (both real and imaginary) reported to my teacher by K. The few attempts I made to convince the teacher that K was the one causing problems were met by disbelief and/or the advice of “Don’t be a tattle-tale.”

I had started the third grade outgoing, friendly, willing to strike up a conversation with anybody, and always willing to speak my mind. By the end of the year I was quiet, introverted, speaking only to my closest friends, and often only when spoken to.

I’m 30 now; the events that happened above occurred a long ago, and yet I still think about them periodically. I wonder what my life would have been like had K gone into the fourth grade that year. Or if H. and I hadn’t gone through our retaliatory charade. Or if my teacher had done something to stop K’s behavior. Would I have continued to be gregariously outgoing all through my school years? Would I have lived my life differently? Would I still have become the socially anxious oddball that I am now?
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Feb 13, 2009 Ellyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2007

This book was recommended to me by my supervisor at my field placement at the Shaker Heights schools. It suggests that girls in our society -- particularly white, middle class girls -- have been socialized to believe that they must be nice and sweet at all times, and consequently, a culture of hidden, silent aggression has developed, often called relational aggression. The author interviewed hundreds of girls and adult women, and their stories are told throughout the book. It was painful to read...more

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May 07, 2009 Kimberly rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: women

This book was so hard to get through but extremely important to read. It draws from interviews with girls who were bullied by other girls and mixes the interviews with factual writing. Some of these girls were scarred for life by quiet abuses inflicted by their peers as early as elementary school and as late as college. Girl bullying (aka relational aggression) is a huge problem in schools. We tend to dismiss it as "girls being girls" and teachers look the other way because it is not physical vi...more

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Jan 09, 2008 Pia added it

I grew up reading stories about (and trying very unsuccessfully to emulate) girls sent to live in attics by evil boarding school head mistresses, but who nonetheless made the very best of their circumstances and were steadfastly good and angelic--never bearing a grudge that they lived in a cold attic with rats as their only friends, wore rags, ate gruel, and performed hard labor. So, this study about girlhood aggression was a refreshing change; disturbing because the aggression is more often tha...more

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May 19, 2013 Amandaallred rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book opens readers’ eyes to the aggression of young girls. It often goes unnoticed because it’s done secretively and sometimes silently. I have a greater understanding of this aggression now after only 100 pages. Rachel Simmons interviews girls of various ages about their experiences with female peers. From elementary school through high school girls are competing with each other. Every girl wants to be the prettiest, the smartest, and the most talented. That’s how the aggression starts.
S...more

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Nov 22, 2012 Kelly S. rated it 3 of 5 stars

On the cover, the Boston Globe says "Required reading for young girls and their mothers." That is what pulled me in. However, I found myself reading from my middle school teacher role more often than my mother role.

While I thought the book was honest and insightful, I also thought it overstated the obvious in many cases. And although the author, Simmons, claimed from the start that she wasn't intending to give us answers about this hidden world of girls' aggression, I kept wondering, chapter af...more On the cover, the Boston Globe says "Required reading for young girls and their mothers." That is what pulled me in. However, I found myself reading from my middle school teacher role more often than my mother role.

While I thought the book was honest and insightful, I also thought it overstated the obvious in many cases. And although the author, Simmons, claimed from the start that she wasn't intending to give us answers about this hidden world of girls' aggression, I kept wondering, chapter after chapter, if anything can be done?! Simmons claims that "schools have ignored girls' aggression....[because] they need order in the classroom". (34) And, we teachers can't possibly detect it, most of the time. If nothing else, after reading this book, I'll be more aware of the alternative aggression going on in my school.

As a mother, I didn't necessarily learn anything new about my 7th-grade daughter's behaviors, but their complexity and purpose were confirmed. Chapter 3 was particularly "real" to me. I couldn't help but insert Meredith and her friends into some of the stories. The "alliance building" described in Nikki and Courtney's stories is definitely something that occurs in Meredith's world.

In the end, reading this book over my long thanksgiving weekend, on the eve of an 9-girl sleepover birthday party (Meredith turns thirteen on Saturday), was worthwhile. I can't say it's a "must read" for a mom or even a teacher. It probably would be boring to my middle school students--although it WILL be in my classroom library beginning Monday. It is true, real, and insightful; and, it's greatest attribute, in my opinion, is that it gives us a language for talking about these girl issues.

Middle school girls: if you choose this book from my classroom library, you might just want to jump in around page 15. Then, you may just want to read the individual stories about bullied girls and skip the "research" parts. I doubt the author's analyzation of the issues will interest you...but go ahead!

Teachers: Simmons says "One of the biggest hopes for changing the hidden culture of girls' aggression is teachers." (225) I agree. But how? Simmons really has no answers and neither do I. In the end, the book is more about awareness, understanding, and a common language than anything. Read it!e(less)

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Jun 05, 2012 Alex Templeton rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I wanted to read this book when it first came out, in 2003, but I put it aside for a couple of other books about women's aggression that came out around the same time. (Please read Phyllis Chesler's Woman's Inhumanity to Woman if you want a fabulous version of this book about adult women!) Anyway, this book makes the incredibly persuasive case that bullying is alive and well in adolescent girl culture, but is not recognized as such because it is "relational"--i.e., takes place in the context of...more

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Apr 09, 2012 Alison C rated it 2 of 5 stars

I had mixed emotions about the novel "Odd Girl Out" written by Rachel Simmons. I enjoyed how the book went into depth about such a unique and overlooked topic of aggression in girls. Rarely do we get the chance to learn about bullying or aggression in girls because it is more of a mental game compared to the more physical bullying amongst boys. I enjoyed being able to relate to a lot of the stories told about young girls in school, such as how girls can mask their cruelty under a "good girl" ima...more

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Apr 09, 2012 Gala rated it 3 of 5 stars

Odd Girl Out evolved from Rachel Simmons search into her own experiences of being bullied as a child. She first looked at literature but found very little to answer her questions. Instead Rachel interviewed girls from 10 middle and high schools in different areas. She uses these interviews in her book to show all of us how much bullying by girls goes undetected
In Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Simmons argues that our society is overlooking aggression in girls. Boys ten...more

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Apr 08, 2012 Nora Johnson rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The book Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons is a narrative told from the point of view of the author based on interviews with and stories from young teenage girls. Having been the victim of bullying and betrayal during her adolescence, Simmons embarked on a quest to conduct her own study on the aggression between pre-teenage and teenage girls. Over the course of one year, she visited ten schools in three different areas of the country, counseling and listening to female students talk about the non-p...more The book Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons is a narrative told from the point of view of the author based on interviews with and stories from young teenage girls. Having been the victim of bullying and betrayal during her adolescence, Simmons embarked on a quest to conduct her own study on the aggression between pre-teenage and teenage girls. Over the course of one year, she visited ten schools in three different areas of the country, counseling and listening to female students talk about the non-physical bullying they either endure or unleash. Gaining information from victims, bullies themselves, and innocent bystanders, Simmons divided her findings into twelve different chapters, ranging from information on why girls feel the need to bully, to the influence of sex and gender rolls on female behavior, to methods on how to prevent bullying between young girls all together.

The significance of this book seems monumental, as it sounds like it was a catalyst for studying the spiteful behavior of young girls within our society. According to Simmons, when she first decided to research the topic, there were no other books or information on the subject. There had been tons of resources about bullying between boys, but virtually none regarding girls. Now if I, an 18 year old high school student, were asked to name books about female behavior, at least 10 different titles come to mind. However, I think before this book was published, that would be a different story. There seems to have been a wave of focus on the way girls treat one another, and I think it all began with Simmons' Odd Girl Out.

Overall, I think this book was really helpful to me, as I'm trying to answer the question, "Why do girls care so much about what other people think?" Certain chapters opened my mind to new theories as to why girls act and feel the ways they do. From reading this book, I realized that society's stereotypes have so much influence on girls. For example, I now see how the perception that all girls are supposed to be kind, gentle, and love everything and everyone can put enormous pressure on them to act and be a certain way, causing tension and competition within friendships and between acquaintances. The information within this book is extremely helpful, yet very dense. Although examples and theories are well explained, I found it hard to comprehend so much information at once, making certain chapters confusing and difficult to get through.

I would recommend this book as more of a resource for information as apposed to a leisurely read. It has been extremely helpful answering the essential question for my research, but I don't think I would have been able to read it just for fun. There wasn't really enough story for that. (less)

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Mar 02, 2012 Tracy rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents of girls, teachers, girls and women who have been bullied

I wish I had read this book 10 years ago! Rachel Simmons takes a deep look at the "hidden aggression" of girls--the bullying that consists of mean words, shunning and nasty looks. This bullying flies under the radar of teachers and other adults, but decimates the self-image of the targeted girl, often leaving permanent psychological scars. She suggests that teaching girls to be "good" and "nice" has left them unable to manage conflict with those they are close to and this causes them to bury the...more

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Feb 18, 2012 Dale rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

An Eye-Opening Book - A Must for Parents and Teachers

Published in 2011 by Mariner Books.
This is revised and updated from the 2002 edition.

Rachel Simmons' Odd Girl Out helped open up a mostly hidden world for me, a dad and 22 year teacher. Sure, I have lots of experience dealing with kids, but I was missing some of this subtle meanness because I am a guy and the minds of most guys just don't work this way.

Since Simmons completed her original work she has become a teacher and she can now add the...more

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Feb 16, 2012 Imelda Mena rated it 3 of 5 stars

In Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons researches girls’ behavior when they are being bullied to after they are over coming it. She finds out why girls bully other girls and why it is all kept a secret from adults. She does this by interviewing girls who have been bullied in the past and asks them why they were bullied, why they didn’t tell an adult and how they overcame the aggression from other girls bullying them.

What I liked about this book was how it provided a story of a girl that was bullied an...more

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Feb 16, 2012 Marco Cardenas rated it 3 of 5 stars

The story "Odd Girl Out" is about a series of interviews that the author did with teens from different schools. They covered the subject of female bullying, and about the hidden aggression of girls. She helped everyone in the story (including parents, teachers, coaches and counselors), understand how to cope. The girls in the story gave their perspective of their situation, and the author asked them questions to figure out why they let themselves be bullied, and why they don't tell an adult abou...more

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Dec 30, 2011 Veronica rated it 5 of 5 stars

The newly revised and updated edition of Odd Girl Out is a must have for every person who is parenting or educating a girl.

This was the first book I grabbed once my fall classes were over. Why? I think it's because I have a daughter. She's eight and in the 3rd grade and we've already had two incidents involving bullying. The first was in preschool and the second was last year. Both incidents were handled by teachers are administrators in a manner that Simmons suggests in Chapter 12: the road ahe...more The newly revised and updated edition of Odd Girl Out is a must have for every person who is parenting or educating a girl.

This was the first book I grabbed once my fall classes were over. Why? I think it's because I have a daughter. She's eight and in the 3rd grade and we've already had two incidents involving bullying. The first was in preschool and the second was last year. Both incidents were handled by teachers are administrators in a manner that Simmons suggests in Chapter 12: the road ahead for teachers and administrators. That chapter gives some wonderful suggestions on how to set up a school or even a classroom to be as bully-proof as possible. Obviously no place can be bully-proof, but one thing that Simmons points out is that one way to address bullying is to have a transparent and predictable system of consequences. If a student knows that Sally and Maria are the teacher's favorite and nothing they do gets them in real trouble, that student feels disempowered to act and report bullying she may be experiencing or witnessing. Having a consistent system of consequences also sends a clear message to students who bully that it will not be tolerated.

Simmons doesn't advocate for a zero-tolerance policy that gets 7-year-olds expelled, rather a zero-tolerance policy that is just that, zero-tolerance for bullying a classmate.

Three themes really struck me as key things to remember from this book.

One is that schools have relied on girls to maintain a certain peace for years.

And second is that this peace that we see in girls is really silence. Society teaches girls to silence their feelings in order to "be good."

Bullying is not just how girls are. Not if we decide that it ends today. HERE. NOW. When we teach our girls to get over it, that "that's how life is, wait until your boss is a bully," we are teaching our girls to ignore that voice in their head and heart that says, "This is wrong. Walk away."

The last theme is one that a friend and I were discussing a few weeks ago. Why are women afraid to promote themselves? I know that I can look back at my childhood and know that being "all that" was frowned upon. Pride in one's work could only be taken so far. Simmons really digs into how promoting oneself breaks one of the cardinal rules of being a girl -- fit in. You can't fit in if you let people know how awesome you are.

Simmons updated her book to include a great chapter on cyberbullying. If you don't have time to read the whole book, skip right to chapter four: bff 2.0: cyberbullying and cyberdrama and chapter nine: parents speak. But you really should read the whole thing.

Warning women reading this will experience flashbacks to high school. Men who read this may have a lot of WTF moments

Read the full review at my blog, Viva la Feminista.(less)

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Aug 17, 2011 Julia rated it 1 of 5 stars

In Rachel Simmons' book, Odd Girl Out, she describes some of the stories that she heard while going from school to school to talk about girls who were "bullied." The entire thing is impossibly melodramatic, including Simmons' account of her own "bullying"--one day, one girl told the other kids not to play with her. Despite the fact that this is what to normal people would be a minor incident and the fact that it happened in the third grade, this is something that apparently haunted Simmons for h...more

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Jun 17, 2011 Willa added it

Shelves: 52-books-in-2011

A month or so ago I heard a news story about a girl bullying episode that ended in tragedy, both for the victim who committed suicide out of despair, and the perpetrators, who were tried in court for their aggression. This haunting story was what made me request several books from interlibrary loan on the subject, and this one was the kind I was most interested in reading -- not a self-help or counseling so much, but written investigatively from an extended series of interviews with girls of var...more A month or so ago I heard a news story about a girl bullying episode that ended in tragedy, both for the victim who committed suicide out of despair, and the perpetrators, who were tried in court for their aggression. This haunting story was what made me request several books from interlibrary loan on the subject, and this one was the kind I was most interested in reading -- not a self-help or counseling so much, but written investigatively from an extended series of interviews with girls of various ages from various schools in middle America.

From what the introduction says this book was one of the first written to discuss the subject. The author became interested in the topic after remembering her own early girlhood where several girls taunted and tormented her daily for several months. When she went to look up the research on the subject as a Rhodes Scholar in Oxford, she found ... nothing. Nothing had been written beyond a few brief monographs in small academic journals. So she set out to remedy the deficit, and since then books about girl bullying have become a small genre.

The reason that girl bullying took so long to reach the sociological radar system, she says, is because it is not nearly as obvious as boy bullying, which has been depicted at least since Tom Brown's school days. She writes about how girls can be huddled together in pairs or little groups and look like the best of friends even when they are tearing each other to shreds.

She describes how gossip works as a sort of barter system -- how girls rise farther into the circle of popularity by trading information about their peers, and how girls neatly avoid direct aggression by calling in allies to help them campaign against a victim. Victims are not always or even usually sociallly awkward types who don't fit in. Often they are new girls who are seen as a threat, or girls who used to be part of the group but were chosen as targets for sometimes very obscure reasons. One girl described how her victimization ensued after a sleepover in which her friend's brother sat next to her and talked for a few minutes.

The author's theory is that society does not allow girls to be openly aggressive. From Day One they are expected to be "nice" even before being talented or intelligent or assertive. So they have no ordinary outlets for the aggression that every human feels. She describes how girls will let things go with other girls rather than tell how they feel, because the other girl will be hurt and in fact, deeply threatened by being confronted. These feelings build up over time and are often discharged by seeking the help of other friends "Emily is being so mean!" This is the starting dynamic of the gossip system that ends up as trading information. Other girls will get involved out of a kind of loyalty "Did you hear about Emily!" and so rather than being directly aggressive, they are being supportive of the friend. So lots of damage can be done without direct responsibility.

I had reservations about the theory that society "refuses" girls ordinary outlets for aggression and so even the bullies are in a way victims. I think she is more perceptive when she points out that girls more naturally work in terms of alliances and "befriending" and groups, whereas boys interact more openly. She says how many girls told her "I wish I were a boy" because boys show aggression more openly and simply.

Many researches into bullying behavior did not focus in on girl aggression because of the way the parameters of the studies were set up. An example is verbal repartee. Boys will verbally jostle and put down their friends. Studies described this as normal friendly behavior -- anyone who has brothers or sons sees the dynamic. Boys call each other names and put each other down and it's something of a bonding experience.

The researchers would tend to put girl put-downs in the same category, as healthy social put-downs. But when girls put down girls in a joking manner, often it is really not a joke. The victim feels blindsided and then distrusts her own reactions when the other girls say "I was only joking!" The feeling of distrusting one's own reactions was described by many girls in the study.

The author's concern is that the particular dynamic of girl-bullying is almost identical to what goes on in emotional abusive adult relationships. The bullies sometimes act kind to the victims in between being abusive. Bullies are often charming, attractive girls, the kind that teachers and parents love. The bullying isolates the victim from support and also messes with her very perceptions so that she blames herself and accepts the torment as justified.

The book is not a self-help manual like some of the other ones that arrived from the library. Though it does include some suggestions for parents and teachers in one of the later chapters, it is mostly descriptive. As such, it is convincing in its case that girl bullying is no less hurtful for being covert and indirect. Several of those interviewed for the book were adults who still have vivid memories of their schooldays and often expressed that their lives were permanently affected by what happened in junior high. (less)

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Apr 07, 2011 Anastasia rated it 4 of 5 stars

I just got done reading "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression In Girls" by Rachel Simmons. Its really interesting and counts as training for work. Score!

Its about bullying among girls. The writer interviewed tons of girls, Young and old about their bullying experiences. She spoke to woman who are adults but were bullied and still have problems with it. She points out the difference between girls bullying and boys bullying. Boys are obviously more physical. I'm sure you've noticed that...more

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Nov 14, 2010 Ciara rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: feminist-y-books, read-in-2010

this book was pretty awesome! my expectations weren't that high, so i walked away more impressed than i expected to be. it explores the uniquely girl ways that girls are aggressive to one another, contrasting against previous research on aggression & bullying that has been male-dominated & male-focused. at no point does the book devolve into making biological essentialist arguments about female brain chemistry or anything like that. it's all about the way that girls are socialized to be...more this book was pretty awesome! my expectations weren't that high, so i walked away more impressed than i expected to be. it explores the uniquely girl ways that girls are aggressive to one another, contrasting against previous research on aggression & bullying that has been male-dominated & male-focused. at no point does the book devolve into making biological essentialist arguments about female brain chemistry or anything like that. it's all about the way that girls are socialized to be feminine & how that impacts their relationships with aggression & the causes of aggression (jealousy, competitiveness, etc).

the author argues that a key element of female socialization is the way girls are encouraged to be nice. this cuts them off from developing a healthy & straightforward relationship with anger & aggression. rather than throwing down & fighting each other in the streets, they bully each other by spreading rumors, using secrets to enhance their own social currency, isolating other girls socially, etc. pretty much any girl reading this book will recognize behaviors that she has participated in, as either an aggressor or victim (or both).

this book kind of opened my eyes a little bit to the reasons why pretty much every woman i have ever met has felt the need to let me know she finds me intimidating (& some men have told me this as well). even as a child, i had little interest in being "nice" in the way that niceness is traditionally defined. i've always been pretty in touch with my feelings of anger, & i've always been pretty direct about expressing those feelings. this is a departure from traditional feminine gender norms, & it has inspired feelings of intimidation in the women around me. i mean, i already kind of knew this before i read the book, but the information in the book helped me make sense of it more clearly.

the book explores the way that female socialization encourages girls that are victims of girl aggression to internalize their feelings of confusion & self-doubt, setting them on a path to continue to have dysfunctional relationships with people of all genders. the author is vehement about the possibility that girl aggression may cause victims to confuse bullying behavior with love & acceptance, setting them up for abusive adult relationships.

it closes with tips for parents on how to recognize & address female bullying, & ideas for school administrators on how to crack down on it. i had a few quibbles with this section, because it espoused an adult response that is in keeping with parenting strategies that, in my opinion, stunt a child's ability to deal with the fact that life isn't perfect & that they're going to have to learn to fight their own fights at some point. i mean, judgment calls need to be made, & when a child has been so thoroughly victimized that they have fallen into a depression (or at risk for something that serious), someone needs to step in to help. but i have noticed a trend in many adults five to ten years younger than me--they seem unwilling to confront the possibility that unfortunate things that happen to them might be their fault in some way, they seem unwilling to hear that they are ever wrong about anything, they seem to be incapable of hearing criticism without interpreting it as a personal attack. so i don't think parents necessarily do their kids any favors by validating every single emotion their kids express without reservation.

i definitely agree with the author's argument that most studies on bullying, aggression, & anger are excessively male-focused, but it's also true that playground fights are not the only ways that boys express aggression. i have seen many of the same behaviors among men & boys described here as tenets of girl aggression. i was a victim of a lot of these types of aggression when i was a kid, & it was boys who spread the most vicious rumors about me. girls kept them going, but boys came up with them & got the ball rolling.

it's also worth noting (as the author does, to a limited degree) that these types of girl aggression don't disappear once a girl is done with school. i've been out of school for almost sixteen years, & i have still experienced all of these types of aggression in my circles of adult female friends.

i definitely think that girls are socialized to have a uniquely dysfunctional relationship with feelings of aggression, & that we all need to work on re-training ourselves to be more in touch with feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. if that's the take-away, i agree.

issues i had with the book: it was at times so relentlessly repetitive that i almost fell asleep. it read like a twenty-page final paper for college that had been expanded into a 270-page book. the writing was very mediocre. i don't expect great prose when the author is quoting an eleven-year-old, but the in-between bits where the author explored her conclusions based on interviews were gratingly tedious. & i agree with other reviewers that pointed out that most of the girls profiled in the book were largely trying to fight their way to top of the popularity heap. i think a big reason why i didn't really identify with anyone in the book (victim or bully) is because i never tried to be popular. those rumors i mentioned kids spreading about me? they were rife, & they were vicious, & i never heard about any of them myself until several years after they'd disappeared. i'm sure they affected the way kids interacted with me at the time, but no one ever actually said anything at all to my face--probably because i wasn't really trying to be friends with anyone other than kids that tried to be friends with me. even when the victimized girls described the lowest of their lows, they seemed to mostly involve being ostracized from the clique they wanted to be in, & being forced to eat lunch with social inferiors. it's hard to have sympathy for that kind of situation.

i kind of walked away thinking that most of the girls profiled in the book were just brats. not evil demons...just bratty kids whose parents let them get away with murder, maybe because their parents never really came to terms with their own dysfunctional social desires.(less)

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Mar 28, 2010 Editt rated it 5 of 5 stars

Read it.
I don't have a girl but am teaching 9 - 11 year olds in primary so I thought I should. The material was worth reading even without a reason. The author provides a real picture of what girls face and endure under our cultural desire that girls must be made of "sugar and spice and everything nice." I found the book to be cathartic - I've see how I've been subjected to such treatment or have subjected others. The book also helped me to look at my conception of motherhood and how I want my...more

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Feb 17, 2010 Talleyfamily6 rated it 3 of 5 stars

I borowed this book from the guidance counselor at school because of events in Amanda's class. I think the author did good research and had good insights into why girls bully others, why they allow themselves to be bullied and why sometimes they are both the aggressor and the victim. I did think the book bogged down with lots of examples before the final chapter where she tried to offer some ideas on how teachers and parents could help. I thought the book showed her extensive research. I thought...more

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Jul 21, 2009 Tara rated it 3 of 5 stars

I like this book, but under conditions. I recently graduated from an all-girls high school and we were asked to read this book one summer. That was the summer going into my junior year. The book is entirely accurate. During my teenage years, I have encountered all the forms of "violence" that the book details. However, since I was living the experience at the time I read the book, Rachel Simmons did not teach me anything that I did not already know, nor give me advice I had not already heard. My...more

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Jan 05, 2013 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: health, non-fiction, adolescence, bullying, how-to

If you were Queen Bee on the playground, head cheerleader with all the right friends or simply the most popular girl in your class, this book is for you. If girls on power trips manipulated you through fear - or isolated you because you would not be manipulated - this book is for you. If your girlhood memories are tainted by secretly (or openly) abusive female "friends," this book is for you. If you're a parent raising a daughter, this book is for you.

Although I did not experience the depth of...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Christine Kuchinsky added it

I read this book for a professional development class, and I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I often get bored by books about studies, but this was a really interesting read. Simmons finds a balance between research and narrative, providing numerous glimpses into female aggression and the ways in which in manifests in adolescent girls. It was fascinating, and horrifying, to see the ways in which female friendships so often resemble abusive romantic relationships, where a girl will continue t...more

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Mar 15, 2011 Lori L (She Treads Softly) rated it 4 of 5 stars

Rachel Simmons says that, "There is a hidden culture of girls' aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive." Adolescent female culture consists of manipulation, treachery, and strained niceties, which she calls “alternative aggressions.” To research and interview girls about bullying in Odd Girl Out, Simmons spent over three years in a total of 10 different schools. The schools were in two urban areas and a small town. She interviewed more than 300 girls and 50 women....more Rachel Simmons says that, "There is a hidden culture of girls' aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive." Adolescent female culture consists of manipulation, treachery, and strained niceties, which she calls “alternative aggressions.” To research and interview girls about bullying in Odd Girl Out, Simmons spent over three years in a total of 10 different schools. The schools were in two urban areas and a small town. She interviewed more than 300 girls and 50 women. Many of the interviews consisted of discussion groups with girls in schools.

Simmons offers a detailed portrait of how "alternative aggression" is used by girls as a weapon to control and bully other girls and the damage it inflicts on the victims self esteem. Simmons feels that societal restraints on girls expressing negative feelings or anger helps perpetuate the vicious cycle of bullying. Simmons writes, "it forces their aggression into nonphysical, indirect, and covert forms. Girls use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling, and manipulation to inflict psychological pain on target victims."

With many examples of the pain and isolation bullying causes, Simmons makes an impassioned plea that no form of bullying be permitted. She has one chapter discussing better ways to respond to a girl being bullied and open up communication between parent and child. Odd Girl Out includes chapter notes, an extensive bibliography, and an index.

While I found Odd Girl Out extremely interesting, I also noted several weaknesses. The most obvious weakness is in the lack of professional data. Simmons uses the stories/interviews of girls to support her conclusions, but these stories are merely narratives, not hard data. The other major weakness is the lack of any course of action and specific responses that need to be taken. Since it was originally published in 2002, I would hope that a more detailed course of action has been researched and is being implemented.

Although the many stories and interviews of victims and bullies might be helpful for those who need to feel they are not alone, I did become a bit weary of all the stories of victims. Just take note that all the interviews might not be for everyone. And if you are a teacher, you might feel Simmons is simplifying the dynamics of the school setting and unfairly targeting you as ineffective.

Additionally, Simmons herself noted another weakness. She "neglected to talk with more girls who do feel comfortable with anger and conflict." There are girls who will stick up for themselves and don't participate in the power play of these bullies. I was one of those girls. I would have also fit the description of one girl who said, "the quieter you are, the better off you are." I was quiet, but if someone tried to bully me I wouldn't tolerate it. (Perhaps it explains why my best friends were always boys.)

Finally, I think Simmons should have noted that many of the behaviors these girl bullies exhibit are carried into adulthood. There are plenty of women who still try to manipulate other woman. I'd call it passive/aggressive behavior rather than Simmon's "alternative aggression" but it's the same thing. Perhaps the only difference is that fewer adult woman tolerate that behavior in others.

Highly Recommended - those of you who feel the pain of being bullied or have a daughter being bullied might appreciate it the most. http://shetreadssoftly.blogspot.com/

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May 31, 2010 Kelly Hager rated it 5 of 5 stars

I think this will be an excellent book for book clubs. It's about the ways that girls bully each other--with words and glares instead of fists--and how that's because we're trained that it's not nice to be angry or aggressive and so our negative feelings have to go somewhere.

I think pretty much everyone who was ever a girl in elementary, middle or high school knows exactly what it's like to get picked on, whether it was once or every day for a year. I was bullied all through middle school, and i...more

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Dec 31, 2011 Kylene Nickerson rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Definitely an interesting book. I haven't had to deal with this too much with my two girls but I do know that this book is right on. My one daughter does things to make herself different and is a protector of kids that are bullied. This does help me accept that she is fine not being in "the group". She sees they are fake already and does not want to be part of them. She is definitely more confident than I was at 14. My other daughter probably dealt with this more but karate helped lift her self...more

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May 17, 2009 Katherine rated it 3 of 5 stars

I stumbled across this book when I was about 16 when someone had lost it and I, by lucky chance, found it. At the time, it was the first book I'd ever read that identified my understanding of my adolescence. From where I am now and my knowledge of feminist philosophy and phenomenology, the book is remarkable only in that it offers so many personal anecdotes. From where I was at age 16, it was the first non-fiction book I ever enjoyed. The down to earth tone made it easy for me to project Simmons...more

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