The Suicide Index: Putting My Father's Death in Order

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The Suicide Index: Putting My Father's Death in Order

3.88 of 5 stars 3.88 · rating details · 471 ratings · 109 reviews

When you kill yourself, you kill every memory everyone has of you. You’re saying “I’m gone and you can’t even be sure who it is that’s gone, because you never knew me.”

Sixteen years ago, Joan Wickersham’s father shot himself in the head. The father she loved would never have killed himself, and yet he had. His death made a mystery of his entire life. Using an index—that m...more

Hardcover, 336 pages

Published August 4th 2008 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

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Best Memoir / Biography / Autobiography

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Mar 25, 2009 stephanie rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: everyone.

Shelves: 2009, absolutely-must-read, crazypeoplememoirs, memoirs, suicide

oh, if i could give one book to people to considering suicide, this might be it. i would also give it to anyone considering writing a memoir. so. beautiful.

so much of this is brilliant - from the questions of how even to write the book, to the difference between a biographer and a memoirist, to the emotions on every page.

set up as an index, literally, the story can't stay chronological. you know her father died, and how, but then she leads us through the painful agony of surviving a suicide, e...more

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Feb 14, 2009 Nette rated it 2 of 5 stars

I read this immediately after "Blue Cotton Gown," a memoir I found a little too New Age and mooshy, and now I want to reread a chapter of that to dispel the chill that this one has left. I realize the whole point of the book was to coolly examine her father's suicide, but to me it came across as harsh, almost heartless. She'd write, "And then I cried" and it's like, "And then I cut my toenails." I also found it kind of creepy that the suicide occurred in 1991 and she's since milked it for six pu...more

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Jan 28, 2009 Esme Pie rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir

Can't believe I finished two books today that blew me away. This is the story of the author's quest to make sense of her father's suicide. Great writing--very lyrical and poetic in places, and also very funny with dark humor.

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Jan 30, 2009 Evanston Public Library added it

When Paul Wickersham killed himself in 1991, he not only ended his own life, but also shattered the lives of his wife and two adult daughters, irrevocably altering their futures, as well as their pasts. Every former notion, thought, and memory of the man that they had known and loved so well is called into question by the final act of his life. Now, 16 years after the fact, his daughter Joan, attempts to make sense of the man, and the action that has come to define him. Rather than tackle the me...more

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Jan 13, 2009 Vicki rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: biographies-and-memoirs, recommended-for-ladies

What an incredible book! I could go on and on about it, but I won't. I highly recommend it to everyone, though -- the author's insights really moved me and gave me lots to think about. A book that will stick with me for a long time....

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Sep 20, 2009 Visha Burkart rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

"A crooked, looping, labyrinthine story" - a memoir of the impact of the writer's father's suicide. Searingly honest and unflinching examination by a mature writer with an original organizational twist (yep, structured by chapter, set like an index). Frank and compelling, both in tone and in subject matter.
Wickersham writes like a writer's writer (reminded me of Richard Yates in that respect). At first, I struggled through the first quarter of the book - not that it wasn't interesting, but it w...more

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Apr 29, 2009 Kat Shelton rated it 2 of 5 stars

Book Jacket - On a winter morning in 1991, Joan Wickersham's fathet shot himself. The father she loved would never have killed himself and yet he had. His death made a mystery of his entire life. Who was he? Why did he do it? And who was she now? Joan Wickersham has chosen the index format - that most formal and objective of stuctures - to impose order on this chaotic and incomprehensible reality. The form mirrors the mind's attempt to grasp the ungraspable. Every bit of family history, every en...more

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Jan 03, 2010 rachel rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2010, heartbreakers

"When you kill yourself, you kill every memory everyone has of you. You’re saying ’I’m gone and you can’t even be sure who it is that’s gone, because you never knew me.’"

Recently, I've become obsessed with missing persons cases, fascinated by the idea that someone could go missing or leave with only small traces of the person they were left behind. When I first picked this book up, I didn't quite grasp the connection between Wickersham's father's confirmed suicide and the concept of the missing...more "When you kill yourself, you kill every memory everyone has of you. You’re saying ’I’m gone and you can’t even be sure who it is that’s gone, because you never knew me.’"

Recently, I've become obsessed with missing persons cases, fascinated by the idea that someone could go missing or leave with only small traces of the person they were left behind. When I first picked this book up, I didn't quite grasp the connection between Wickersham's father's confirmed suicide and the concept of the missing person made in the above passage, often cited, but I do understand it now.

This book is the author's attempt to organize, make sense of, and assign proper blame for her father's death. As she soon finds, doing this is almost impossible. She digs into her father's past, in order to find answers, and comes up with a lot of very good possible reasons but none definite. This is a common reaction in dealing with a completed suicide: you can say it's because of moral failings or relationship trouble or job loss, but you really have no idea what it was that pushed this person over the edge.

It's impossible for me to write a review and emphasize how much this book has affected me without getting personal: as someone who has struggled with diagnosed major depression for nearly 10 years, the wisdom Wickersham shares in this book is necessary. You get true insight like this into how someone deals with the inexplicable, sudden, unnatural loss of a loved one, and then the ease with which you yourself slide into those thoughts becomes much, much less easy. This is why memoir is so valuable.

From Wickersham to her father: "You did it because you felt unacceptable. But you only became unacceptable by doing it. But if "it" -- that ending, that irresistible desperation to blow yourself apart -- was encoded in you all along, secretly and inseparably part of you, then maybe you were right. If I had been able to see you clearly, maybe I would have found you unacceptable too. But I loved you. The words "acceptable" and "unacceptable" are gibberish."

....I don't even know what to add to that.(less)

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Jan 08, 2011 Terri Ann rated it 5 of 5 stars

The book was haunting and gripping. I couldn't put it down because the author was so honest and forthright in trying to work through her father's death. About three-quarters through the book though she switched around from being first person, then to third person, and then even to second person, but it was very brief and fleeting enough to not spoil the book. She is easily forgiven when it is seen how desperately and candidly she struggles to make sense of his death and to never gain the answers...more

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Dec 09, 2009 Catherine rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir

This book caught my interest because of the arrangement in the form of an index. But the narrative turned out to be pretty linear, which made the "index" table of contents appear to be mostly a gimmick, and the narrative itself never got good enough for me to forgive the book for that.

Wickersham is writing about an issue--her father's suicide--that she has only partially worked through. A shorter piece might have been fine for that kind of unfinished emotional work, but a whole book is too long...more This book caught my interest because of the arrangement in the form of an index. But the narrative turned out to be pretty linear, which made the "index" table of contents appear to be mostly a gimmick, and the narrative itself never got good enough for me to forgive the book for that.

Wickersham is writing about an issue--her father's suicide--that she has only partially worked through. A shorter piece might have been fine for that kind of unfinished emotional work, but a whole book is too long for my patience as a reader. She does not see her father with real clarity, which is fine--that's the impetus for the book--but the greater problem is that she doesn't write as though she sees herself with clarity, which made her an untrustworthy narrator for me.

For about the first half of the book, Wickersham spends a lot of space on her father's money problems, which are the type of money problems that rich people have: debt and hurt pride but nothing approaching an empty belly. I have no doubt that a failed business can cause real despair and even desperation, but it's hard for the outside observer to muster empathy. Only halfway through do we begin to learn how dysfunctional the entire family is. Wickersham explores some of the other angles, but never to a degree that I felt what she was writing had relevance to the reader. I was left with doubts that her father was not much more abusive than she lets on. She claims that he "only" hit her once, but her constant insistence that he was a nice man, despite giving faint evidence in support, reminded me of the wishful thinking of other women I've known. At best he appears in the book as a distant father and uncommunicative husband who was himself scarred by childhood abuse.

Overall, the book just lacked any insights that would make reading about someone else's family history worthwhile. I'm not asking that Wickersham solve the case of why her father committed suicide because that's most likely impossible. But she doesn't seem to make it very far on her own journey.

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Jan 13, 2009 Ellen Keim rated it 4 of 5 stars

Instead of chapters, the author put an index at the front of the book. For instance: Suicide: act of, anger about, attitude toward. Not only is this different, it actually structures the book in a more realistic way than a chronological narrative would have. Reacting to a suicide doesn't happen all at once; it's spread out over years. And Joan Wickersham does an excellent job of showing how it stalks and grabs you when you're least expecting it.

This is a book about her father's suicide, the act...more

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Sep 28, 2010 Hannah Hughes rated it 2 of 5 stars

The Suicide Index by Joan Wickersham carries a theme of recovering and dealing with a traumatic experience. Joan Wickersham, an award winning author This book, The Suicide Index is a series of notes, organized in index format of occurrences, feelings and memories surrounding her fathers death. The thesis of the book is that Joan's father was possibly murdered, and could never have committed suicide. In reality, it was only Joan’s resistance to accept her father’s hidden depression that suggests...more The Suicide Index by Joan Wickersham carries a theme of recovering and dealing with a traumatic experience. Joan Wickersham, an award winning author This book, The Suicide Index is a series of notes, organized in index format of occurrences, feelings and memories surrounding her fathers death. The thesis of the book is that Joan's father was possibly murdered, and could never have committed suicide. In reality, it was only Joan’s resistance to accept her father’s hidden depression that suggests he was murdered.
The book opens with how Paul, Wickersham’s dad, killing himself. The rest of the book is Wickersham trying to deal with the aftershock of his death. She has a young son in which she has to decide how to break the news to. Her oblivious mother who continues to bring up how her husband ‘abandoned her’ through killing himself. While dealing with this she explores different possibilities of why he did it such as other people framing him, or him being driven to do it by money. After being on the phone with him, before he died, she got him to, “[admit] to me that he was close to bankruptcy. ‘But don’t tell Mom,’ he said.” (188) Or considering he had the potential of a killer all alone based on his abusive childhood. After having dinner with her uncle, he revealed to her, “I used to lie in bed at night trying not to hear the beating, trying not to hear Boris’s [Paul’s] screams.” (120). This lead her to realize if he had hidden this from her, he could have been hiding much more.
Wickersham’s father committed suicide. She has a difficult time accepting this because everything what she knew about her father wouldn’t allow it. He even told her how he felt about it, “ ‘ you can’t throw away your life, and no matter how hard it gets, ‘he said,’ because it’s all you have.’ ” (37) and she couldn’t no believe he would to it. But he did have hidden feelings she didn’t know about. Wickersham still choose not to believe that because her feelings blinded her into believe there was no way, “Suicide: numbness and duration: YEARS.” (201) This quote shows how she was hurt and refused to move on from her father passing.
The uncertainty of her father’s death drove Wickersham to insanity. She was constantly exploring different possibilities of him being murdered, or other options of his suicide, wondering what he meant by it. She is haunted by the idea of him leaving a note behind hidden somewhere in the house, similar to stories she’s heard from other suicides, “I went from thinking, ‘ My father didn’t leave a note’ to ‘Maybe we just haven’t found it yet.’ ”(226). This shows how numb and confused she was by all of it.
In conclusion, it was only Joan’s resistance to accept her father’s hidden depression that suggests he was murdered. This is obvious from the multiple inconclusive options she explores. It is also showcased by his abusive childhood and possible passive aggressive nature. This book altogether was a good read, filled with mystery passion and surprises and I would recommend it to anyone.
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Apr 08, 2013 Gabby rated it 4 of 5 stars

The Suicide Index by Joan Wickersham is a novel about a daughter facing the cold truth of her father’s suicide and who he really was, why he would commit suicide. Joan the narrator describes and plays out her father’s death and everything leading up to it. Joan explores the reality of why her father the man she has known since she was born who she never suspected to be suicidal would do such a thing. When Paul Wickersham ends his own life he not only kills himself but he also ruins the lives of...more The Suicide Index by Joan Wickersham is a novel about a daughter facing the cold truth of her father’s suicide and who he really was, why he would commit suicide. Joan the narrator describes and plays out her father’s death and everything leading up to it. Joan explores the reality of why her father the man she has known since she was born who she never suspected to be suicidal would do such a thing. When Paul Wickersham ends his own life he not only kills himself but he also ruins the lives of his wife and children, affecting everything that they do and everything that they thought about him. After sixteen years of not knowing how to make sense of this Joan finally attempts to understand. Joan’s family history unfolds revealing many hidden facts throughout the book.

The most moving moment in the novel under my opinion is when the painful truth about betrayals, failures and abuse are revealed to her credit; Joan confronts this head on without hesitation. Joan discusses this portion of the book like if she actually lived it, the way of describing something so clearly. This portion makes the reader realize the actuality of life and how nobody could have predicted it yet there was concrete evidence to the fact of actualization. Joan has a hard time getting to this point in the book but when she does she illustrates it so clearly it is somewhat calming to know the truth about his death.

This book never sops clarity and makes sense; it is structured very differently than other books as its way of being formed as an index going back and forth through time. The book had many points of darkness but eased the tension with a bit of dark humor used occasionally. This book is not recommended for most people that do not enjoy dark humor or the reality of suicide, it is not a hard read but is at times hard to keep track of because of the time shifting. There are many points of darkness and despair especially in the beginning but a sense of calmness overcomes the reader as we find out why an average man with a wife and kids would do such a thing.(less)

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Aug 31, 2009 Randy Susan rated it 5 of 5 stars

“In the airport, coming home from vacation, he stops at a kiosk and buys grapefruits, which he arranges to have sent to his daughters. They will stumble over the crates waiting on their porches, when they get home from his funeral.”

Thus opens this stark and haunting memoir, written in prose that surrounded me like clear clean water.

If the best books tell truth the best, then this memoir climbs to the top of the pile SUICIDE INDEX doesn’t necessarily tell universal truths, or even grand lofty tr...more

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May 10, 2009 Pamela rated it 5 of 5 stars

A very powerful book about the author's father's suicide seventeen years ago. There were no obvious signs her father was considering such an act, and he left no explanatory note. Wickersham has hit on a unique and perfectly apt form for this narrative--an alphabetized index with entries such as, "Suicide: act of: attempt to imagine." There is nothing gimmicky about this choice; it is completely true to the author's inability to create any rational order or sense out of her father's death. The be...more

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Jul 31, 2011 Sarah added it

I found this book hard to read at times because the subject matter hits very close to home. Having a father that tried to commit suicide is one of the hardest things i have had to deal with in my entire life (all 26 years). I felt really sorry and lots of emotion for the dad since nothing he did was good enough for his wife. She goes so far as to say "Your father was such a failure, he couldn't even kill himself right," and how he has left her with her unable to take care of herself. Really capt...more

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Oct 30, 2010 Sibyl rated it 3 of 5 stars

There are an alarming number of suicides each year, and the most urgent question among survivors is probably "Why." Wickersham's father committed suicide and her memoir looks at the event, her father's childhood, his relationships with others, including his wife and business partners, and the effects of the act on others. The book is arranged in index form: Suicide, Explaining to child about; Suicide, Childhood, cause of; etc. It's interesting, but eventually wears thin. Besides, she ultimately...more

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Sep 21, 2010 Lynn Tolson rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: memoir readers, those affected by suicide

Shelves: memoir, psychology, sociology, suicide

How does a daughter make sense of her father’s suicide? Joan Wickersham tries to explain by using an objective system: the index. It is a unique format for a tough topic.

The book begins in an orderly outline with the main category of Suicide, with sub-headings in alphabetical order. For example, it begins: “Suicide: act of, attempt to imagine.” It appears as though the author explores the chaos and confusion of her father’s suicide by using a logical process. But she is dealing with emotion, and...more

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Jul 09, 2011 Katherine rated it 5 of 5 stars

A truly remarkable memoir. The organization of the stories - as an index - enables the author to explore deeply a huge range of emotions, experiences, and mysteries. I stumbled upon this book when I read that Joan Wickersham was teaching a course at the Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown where I go to write each summer. I immediately ordered the book from my home library to pick up when I returned. I'm normally an appallingly slow reader, but I could not wait to pick the book up in the mornin...more

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Aug 02, 2008 Joanie Hornby Lippincott rated it 5 of 5 stars

This was really good and I really related to it. My father just did the same thing and it was exactly what I needed. I feel very fortunate to have been able to read it right after his death.

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Mar 28, 2010 Alison Kenney rated it 5 of 5 stars

You'd think that a book detailing, and I mean detailing, a reaction to a loved one's suicide would be severely depressing. But the opposite is true and this is a wonderful book. The book spans about 15 years during which the author considers her father's suicide -- why he did it, what his life was like, how it impacted her/her marriage/her family, what he was thinking in conversations leading up to his suicide, etc -- from every angle. She "indexes" these thoughts in chapters. The writing is so...more

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May 14, 2011 Linda K. rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm about half-way through Joan Wickersham's memoir about her father's suicide and simply cannot put it down. It's riveting, horrific, poignant, and beautiful. I recently attended a workshop Joan taught about breaking the rules of writing. She certainly broke so many rules in her memoir - and her book is all the better for it.

I finished the book and my view holds. It is a wonderful read. The story is so sad and honest. Joan is a frank writer who is willing to point out her own foibles. It is a b...more

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Feb 11, 2009 Jamie rated it 4 of 5 stars

I was worried this would be morbid, depressing, and difficult to read. It's not. First of all, it's arranged as an index, which is kind of bizarre, creative, and a form that happens to work really well here. It's told in a very straight-forward, simple manner. It's an organizer's attempt at organizing what happened, and all the speculation, the history, and effect it had on her family. It is very sad, and it's also very thoughtful and beautiful. It's an exploration of grief and a process of heal...more

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Feb 25, 2013 Abby Frucht rated it 3 of 5 stars

In its opening sections, the stylized writing and the rawness of the emotions worked beautifully together....but as the book went on I felt that the prose began to trump the emotion rather than the other way around. Maybe it just went on a little longer than it should have. I was reminded of a wise remark made by the writer Chris Noel in his bereavement memoir, In the Unlikely Event of a Water Landing, saying that some of the ways in which he experienced his grief over the loss of his fiancee we...more

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Oct 31, 2011 Jill rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir

I didn't even finish this book. Which NEVER happens for me. I try and keep going, try to find the redeeming quality, even if it's not my favorite. But for this book, there seemed to be a disconnect. The author is 'indexing' her father's suicide. So, it reads almost like an encyclopedia, each entry looking at the event with a slight twist. I imagine that her grief reaction was difficult, as it usually is with suicide, and perhaps the distance I felt in reading was her way of distancing herself fr...more

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Apr 18, 2009 Pamela rated it 4 of 5 stars

How do you review a book on suicide? It's grim, it's sad, it's confusing . . . much like suicide. But having just experienced the death of a loved one by suicide, I found it comforting to read about someone else who understands the grief and all the other emotions that are associated with suicide. The author's idea to do an "index" is unique, but really works for this book. I found it comforting that trying to mentally reenact the person's last moments isn't some exercise in morbidity but a way...more

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Jul 09, 2012 Hol added it

I picked this up because Joan Wickersham led a House of Mirth discussion group I attended a few weeks ago, and she was so lovely and thoughtful that I wanted to read her own work. This book is about her father’s suicide, and I imagine it would be a balm for people who have suffered a similar tragedy. (On a totally different note, but apropos of Wharton, one thing I gleaned about the author is that she has experience with a similarly baffling level of affluence: at one point in the book, she inhe...more

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Nov 25, 2011 Peacegal rated it 3 of 5 stars

One morning, the author’s father woke up, got dressed, shaved, and shot himself. This is the story of the mess he left behind.

While The Suicide Index is not the transcendent work others have made it out to be, kernels of brilliance shine through the rough. The author is at her best when she steps away from the hand wringing stress of daily life and actually puts herself into the mind of her father—or more generally, a suicidal person. All of the talk of “How could he do this to us?”…well, he’s n...more One morning, the author’s father woke up, got dressed, shaved, and shot himself. This is the story of the mess he left behind.

While The Suicide Index is not the transcendent work others have made it out to be, kernels of brilliance shine through the rough. The author is at her best when she steps away from the hand wringing stress of daily life and actually puts herself into the mind of her father—or more generally, a suicidal person. All of the talk of “How could he do this to us?”…well, he’s not thinking of you. When you are being battered by waves in a stormy sea, your closest family members are as remote as tiny figures waving from the beach. It comes to the point in which the most important and reassuring thought is just which caliber and what angle. When the author realizes this, that her father probably did not kill himself to punish his friends and family, is when her writing reaches its forte.

Other reactions, however, were not as clear-headed.

The author’s fourth-grade son, during the course of the book had a school art project in which he had to create a Greek-style god or goddess. When she saw his gun-toting “God of Weapons,” she was horrified:

I said, “I’m curious. What made you think of doing a weapons god?”
…
“I just wanted to,” he said, frozen half on and half off his seat, with his feet on the rungs of the stool.
“Was it because you’re interested in military history?” I asked, and he shrugged again.
“Because you know, don’t you, that guns hurt people,” I said. “They kill people.”
A sly, exasperated smile crossed his face. He looked at me and said, coldly, “Well, I think they’re interesting.”
I took a breath, and felt words rising and ripping out of me. “What do you mean, interesting? Don’t you get it? Don’t you get what guns do? They blow people apart, that’s what. Your grandfather picked up a gun and blew a hole in his brain. That’s what guns do.”
My son’s face was stiff, terrified. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Ok, let’s hit the pause button here. If the author’s father had taken his life by asphyxiating himself in his garage or intentionally crashing his vehicle into a tree, would she rebuke her son for drawing a picture of a car? Although she realizes her reaction is overly harsh and quickly apologizes, the firearms hate is a little much. Those who wish to end their lives will find a way to do it, gun or no gun. You can respect that truth, even if you yourself have never tasted bluing.
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Aug 17, 2010 Lisa rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, memoir

"Suicide isn't just a death, it's an accusation. It's a violent, public declaration of loneliness. It's a repudiation of connection. It says, 'You weren't enough to keep me here.' It sets up unresolvable dilemmas of culpability and fault: were we to blame for being insufficient, or was he to blame for finding us so? Someone has been weighed and found wanting, but who?" As a friend of one who took his own life, these words rocked me and comforted me. Having shuttled between guilt, sadness and rag...more

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Oct 02, 2009 Mara rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This was an emotional yet wholistic attempt to understand the tragedy of losing a father from suicide, adding layers of stigma and mystery upon the already devestating process of losing a loved one. Suicide is such a taboo topic, forbidden from most religious standpoints as unforgivable yet philosophically considered by some the greatest form of personal freedom. Pyschologically the act is typically associated with despair and a temporary state of mental instability.

The humanistic and personal...more

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About Joan Wickersham

Joan Wickersham was born in New York City. She is the author of two previous books, most recently The Suicide Index, a National Book Award finalist. Her fiction has appeared in The Best American Short Stories and The Best American Nonrequired Reading. Her op-ed column appears regularly in The Boston Globe; she has published essays and reviews in the Los Angeles Times and the International Herald T...more

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“And while some healing does happen, it isn't a healing of redemption or epiphany. It's more like the slow absorption of a bruise.” — 10 people liked it

“The word "miss" is so wistful. As is the word "wistful," for that matter. They both have sighs embedded in them, that "iss" sound. Which also sounds like if.” — 5 people liked it

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