Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers  
published April 26th 2005 by Ballantine Books
first published 2006
binding Hardcover
isbn 037550821X   (isbn13: 9780375508219)
pages 304
description A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tack...more
date added
01-01-08



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Christine
Read in February, 2008
recommends it for: everyone
A thought changing book about child development, what makes kids peer orient, how we push them there and therefore lose our "power" to parent!
It's all there in the note for the reader. I wish I could copy it and place it here, but just not possible. A few excerpts:
"Our focus is not on what parents should do but on who they need to be for their children."

"We offer here and understanding of the child, of child development, and, also, of the impediments that today...more
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SVK
02/18/08

bookshelves: parenting
Read in August, 2006
recommended to SVK by: Wilma Vanderleek
recommends it for: parents, teachers, anyone who works with youth
This isn't anything in league with Dobson. It's not about culture fear, bug-a-boos, and sheltering, it's something different. Neufeld is a BC psychiatrist who proposes something radical: when kids rebel, they aren't just being kids. Something has led to this, and something can be done about it. As well, he describes our day as a time which is significantly different from the times before. It used to be, says Neufeld, that culture was transmitted vertically, from grands, to pare...more
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Genet
04/19/08

recommended to Genet by: Alison Bennett
recommends it for: all parents, and anyone thinking of becoming a parent!
My favorite parenting book of all time. While it is not extremely well-written (in a literary or organizational sense), I absolutely love and believe in the ideas presented in this book. Neufeld very clearly identifies the underlying problems in our culture that pull our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them develop a true sense of self. We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the wor...more
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polly
08/14/08

bookshelves: currently-reading
Read in March, 2008
recommends it for: parents
I'll be honest, I have not finished this book. It started to drag a bit for me, but I do plan to finish it soon. In spite of the drag, it's a great book. A compelling case that reinforced my feeling that encouraging my child to be very peer-oriented is not necessarily a good thing. {Disclaimer! I was not very peer-oriented at all as a teenager so that feels very natural to me; I had friends but I don't feel I was heavily influenced by them.} There is a lot of societal pressure to have childr...more
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Tara
01/19/08

Read in December, 2007
Children need to know in very concrete ways that you and the other adults in their lives are available to them always and for all things. I really liked this book because it gave me good ideas for ensuring that my children turn to me (and other adults that I trust), lean on me and stay attached to me as they grow. This book shows how very important it is for children to be attached to the adults in their lives. Their parents, their teachers, their grandparents, or family friends. If they don'...more
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Tanya
04/09/08

bookshelves: books-i-read-in-2008, parenting
Read in March, 2008
recommends it for: parents and teachers
I learned from this book about the increasing trend for peers to be learning values from their peers instead of from their own parents because of the lack of connection that begins as a child begins to strive for independence. It made me think about how to build connections not only with my own children, but with others in the community such as their classmates. The main idea was that children are being lured away from adults and towards their peers because that is who they feel most attached ...more
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Lisa
02/27/08

Read in January, 2007
i had no idea peer-attachment existed, such a compelling book written by a Canadian psychologist
i thought that i understood attachment parenting until I read how peers can replace parental/adult attachments and what a detriment to the child this is
i now see peer attached kids everywhere, and it just makes sense why you see kids seemingly lost and really not caring about what adults think or do but rather trying to do EVERYTHING different from their adult contemporaries
we have been brainwashe...more
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Janine
08/14/08

recommended to Janine by: Barbara Mausch
recommends it for: parents, others involved with youth
A very interesting thesis--our children are being taught to attach to one another, instead of to us (their parents). Thus their compass point is other children or youth just as disoriented as they are... leading them to belligerence, poor performance in school, perpetual immaturity, overzealous sexuality at an early age, etc. The solutions are to maintain our attachment to our children through general categories of connecting to our children. I've taken some good tidbits from this book, though...more
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Rachel
10/22/07

Read in October, 2007
recommends it for: Everybody who has a child, has been a child, or plans to ever have a child!
I cannot say enough about this book. A lot of my dearest friends are reading it and some of their husbands! YES! Stephen is going to read it when I either finish it or get another copy. I do not think I will ever really be finished!

This book is so clear and makes so much sense. Kind of the way Reviving Ophelia made me feel about being a teeneage girl in our culture except this book is so much bigger. Interestingly enough there is a quote on the cover by the author of Reviving Ophelia, Ma...more
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Kelly
Kelly rated it: 3 of 5 stars3 of 5 stars3 of 5 stars3 of 5 stars3 of 5 stars
03/18/08

bookshelves: non-fiction
Read in March, 2008
This is one of those books that I've checked out of the library, only to return it unread. This time around that I borrowed it, I did actually read it.

There are many good points about the dangers of peer-oriented relationships throughout and some helps in reconnecting with one's children.

However, I found the book tedious for the most part, and it took me quite a while to get through the book. For me, the last two chapters were the most engaging. Yet, having looked at the table of conte...more
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Angela
bookshelves: currently-reading
I loved my friend Genet's review: "My favorite parenting book of all time. While it is not extremely well-written (in a literary or organizational sense), I absolutely love and believe in the ideas presented in this book. Neufeld very clearly identifies the underlying problems in our culture that pull our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them develop a true sense of self. We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when w...more
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Cheryl
09/23/07

Read in April, 2007
recommends it for: all parents, maybe educators
Neufeld suggests children lose attachment to their families as they slowly develop attachment to their peers. This makes perfect sense and the way he lays out the background of family/friend contact over history really seemed plausible. This whole topic fascinates me. I also agreed with his ideas about how to rebuild attachment. I did find myself disagreeing with a few things the author wrote -can't exactly remember them, sorry. But overrall, his ideas were inspirational to me.
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Kim
08/12/08

Read in August, 2008
This is totally a worthwhile read and one that I recommend to anyone with kids. The author talks about how parenting is really a relationship. We need to keep our kids attatched to us always so they don't have to turn to their peers for attatchment needs. The book is a wake-up call. This guy is extreme; he promotes homeschool and believes that your kids don't even need social interaction or friends until they are mature. But the book is totally empowering and I learned a bundle of great wi...more
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Zina
07/07/08

Read in July, 2008
recommended to Zina by: parents with children at home
Wish I had had these insights years ago when I was raising children. The princles Dr. Neufeld explains ring with truth and help with understanding instinctual behaviors, the critical need for attachment with parents/caring adults, and solutions for what ails our American society. Wish everyone with children in the home could read and use these basic principles. They are definitely insightful and sorely needed.
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Krisann
Read in July, 2008
Reading for a 6 wk Parenting Class I am participating in at my childrens school. The big issue in the book is called "peer orientation". We are starting to use "insecurity" to describe this problem in society where kids value peers over their parents. In the beginning the book focuses on importance of attachment to parents early on and most importantly the relationships we continue to nurture with them.
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Sally
02/25/08

bookshelves: non-fiction, parenting
Read in January, 2006
More scholarly than pop-parenting, this book talks about attachment beyond infancy. Staying close to your kids and making sure you maintain your influence with them through love, caring and listening is vital. Otherwise, kids in middle and high school are more likely to follow their peers' lead than their parents' lead, and that can be disastrous.
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Pam
06/21/07

Read in June, 2007
recommends it for: parents
Some points are amazingly like everyday parents' lives as I know it, and then I'll turn the page and ZAP! there will be something that I INSTINCTIVELY do NOT believe to be valid for me. So there you go. I think I just got full up w/ being educated and I'm off to get some fiction to start on!
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Charlotte
bookshelves: currently-reading
Dr. Neufeld came to our preschool this year. His main points deal with how parents and families should matter more to kids than their peers. Although my boys are so young, working with teen volunteers this summer has really opened my eyes to how true this is.
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Michele
bookshelves: currently-reading
Read in April, 2008
This is an excellent book that explains why we see so many problems with kids in society today. It's all about relationships and attachments. Children have detached from their parents and attached to their peers. This book is a must read for parents!
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Michãel
bookshelves: parenting
Read in January, 2005
Based on attachment theory. I love that this is a parenting "expert" who wishes parents trusted their intuition more and relied less on "experts".
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book data (includes all editions)

avg rating (all editions): 4.39 (54 ratings)
avg rating (this edition): 3.00 (1 ratings)
number of reviews: 26






other editions

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Paperback)
Hold Onto Your Kids (Paperback)
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Paperback)