Playful Parenting: A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children's Confidence

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Playful Parenting: A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children's Confidence

4.09 of 5 stars 4.09 · rating details · 1,104 ratings · 179 reviews

Since play is a child's way of exploring the world, it also helps kids communicate hard-to-express feelings and work through stressful situations. Now a clinical psychologist presents an innovative, hands-on approach to using play in all aspects of parenting.

Hardcover, 320 pages

Published May 29th 2001 by Ballantine Books (first published 2001)

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Mar 28, 2009 Cyndi rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

Cohen has tremendous energy and creativity in using play therapy to connect with children and help them deal with difficult feelings and impulses. What a fresh approach to parenting! Reading the first several chapters, I was amazed and impressed at how he looks at troubling behavior, mindfully tries to reframe it, seeking to understand the struggle going on inside the child, and help that child come through it in an atmosphere of loving support. Cohen seems remarkably intuitive, and senses when...more Cohen has tremendous energy and creativity in using play therapy to connect with children and help them deal with difficult feelings and impulses. What a fresh approach to parenting! Reading the first several chapters, I was amazed and impressed at how he looks at troubling behavior, mindfully tries to reframe it, seeking to understand the struggle going on inside the child, and help that child come through it in an atmosphere of loving support. Cohen seems remarkably intuitive, and senses when to mirror, when to do a role switching game, whether roughhousing is the way to go, or not. He describes many encounters with his daughter, and other children, in which their moods are quickly transformed. (I wonder if the kids weren't at times just humoring him.) As I continued to read, it occurred to me, this guy is a little out of touch with “normal” family life: he has one child, and he gets paid to play with children, a job which he clearly enjoys very much. From his comfortable situation, it is easy for him to advocate this approach and denigrate all others. He makes a case against the traditional tools of positive discipline, time-outs, bribes, rewards, and punishments. For most parents, however, there are countless things vying for our time and attention. We have to balance the needs of partners, other children, career, education, community involvement, health & hygiene, household chores, leisure, and so on. The techniques that he criticizes are effective and fast, when used appropriately. Time-outs can be effective, and provide the breathing space for both parent and child to regroup individually before reconnecting. Bribes can be bad, but they can also be a great temporary solution to get over a hump and then be phased out. Same thing with rewards. Appropriate punishments send a clear message fast, so long as we aren't trying to control our kids with threats. That never works for long, anyway.

A central message in Cohen's book is that our kids need to feel connected with their parents, not isolated from them. I agree. But kids need some downtime to process what is happening. Having a grown-up sit there with you through every developmental struggle, interpret it for you, and try to teach you lessons about it, will not always be helpful. Indeed, I feel it could be harmful. Kids are capable of processing things in their own ways, and some kids will do this more effectively given some alone time. If parents model good self-control most of the time, kids will learn to regulate emotions and express them positively. All in all, this is a great resource on being playful, but I'm not buying his gospel sermons against the other tools. Rewards & punishments, etc. have their place. We can absolutely have securely attached children and still use these behavioral methods. But I sincerely believe that if all parents could/would connect with their kids through play every day, society would be transformed! (less)

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Oct 28, 2008 Nicole rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: parents

Recommended to Nicole by: a lady on the radio

This book is a must read for those in the attachment parenting camp, and any other parent wanting to have more fun, more connection and more happy times with their children. Cohen gives concrete examples of how to connect with kids using play, including rough-housing, games, silly antics and everyday activities.

The basics:

Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to l...more This book is a must read for those in the attachment parenting camp, and any other parent wanting to have more fun, more connection and more happy times with their children. Cohen gives concrete examples of how to connect with kids using play, including rough-housing, games, silly antics and everyday activities.

The basics:

Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to look at challenges not as something to fix in the children, but as a problems to solve together with the child/ren. We must allow children to express their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, joy, etc. even when it is uncomfortable for the adults. Until the emotions are fully felt and released the kids carry them around. Eventually those feelings come out in the form of bullying, disobedience, violence, recklessness, etc. Cohen's big idea is that isolation and disconnection are the cause of problems in families.

Reading this book has already changed my life, by changing the way I look at life with a two year old, and even my behavior. One idea that will stay with me: say "yes" as often as possible. So often we go on automatic pilot and say "no" to every request and idea. But most of what children want to do or ask is really not worth a "no". Children should be given the chance to try new things (within safety limits, although we often exaggerate the danger in a outing, challenge, game, etc.), they need to learn new things, try to solve problems and explore the world with their senses and intellect. This idea doesn't mean your child gets to eat candy every night for dinner or gets every toy that crosses her path, but it means to open yourself up to the fun and unexpected learning in everyday activities and unexpected adventures.

My life is easier because when faced with a whining or negative toddler, I make a funny face, dance a silly dance or just give him a big tight hug. Most of the time things turn around right away and we get back to having fun or accomplishing the task at hand. Connection is the key. Kids want and need our attention. They will get it any way they can. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, why not examine your own reasons for considering it unwanted or "bad", and then see a way to work it out with the child. Maybe your kid is just bored or lonely or tired, not determined to make your day a living hell. Parenting is a contact sport, not a passive activity.

One tactic mentioned a lot on the book is just simply falling down like a fool, another is wrestling. Physical contact is key to connection. You also have to be willing to play the fool. Your child feels like a fool so often in their lives, they don't know all the answers, feel awkward in social situations, get told what to do by everyone; so once in a while it would be nice for us parents to play the fool, let the kid be the leader, the smart one, the winner. Yes, Cohen suggests that we lose on purpose to our kids, and play up to their limits. In beating us, kids grow confident, learn the game and get to be the victor. Who doesn't like to win? Our egos should be able to handle the lose, and some day the kids will ask us to stop letting them win.

Cohen acknowledges that sometimes the last thing we want to do is get on the floor and play Barbies or build a blanket fort, but that's the work of parenting. Through play we connect, we bond, our children grow to trust us, and we lay the groundwork for all the big things that lay in the future. It is time intensive and occasionally boring, but playful parenting is also fun, joyful and a great learning experience. I hope I keep up the good work. (less)

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Sep 16, 2012 Kimberly Tardy rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I had thought a lot about what parenting was going to mean for me and how I was going to go about it. I read a lot of different books covering all areas in great detail and discussedit with my partner. When my son arrived the experienced surpassed the greatest of expectations. Being the mother to a baby was just wonderful. BUT THEN one day, our baby was a boy who wanted to PLAY. He really showed that he needed me to get down on the floor and PLAY with him and his toys. I was totally unprepared f...more I had thought a lot about what parenting was going to mean for me and how I was going to go about it. I read a lot of different books covering all areas in great detail and discussedit with my partner. When my son arrived the experienced surpassed the greatest of expectations. Being the mother to a baby was just wonderful. BUT THEN one day, our baby was a boy who wanted to PLAY. He really showed that he needed me to get down on the floor and PLAY with him and his toys. I was totally unprepared for this. I could do it for a bit, but then after a while I was exasperated and he was restless. After some time of games like putting all the farm animals in the correct part of the plastic barn and pretend feeding them and putting them to sleep, it was just SO BORING and I couldn't think of what to do next. I felt terribly guilty about checking my watch throughout and then I felt like I was the most boring and unimaginative person ever. I felt there was obviously some wonderful world of fantasy and fun he was in which I as an adult had lost. For the first time I felt disconnected from him. After a few pages of this book, I got down on the floor with my son and played with gusto. I loved it and I could tell that my son was enjoying it. He is only a year and a half . His eyes lit up and at the end of one game that same afternoon he really just looked at me into my eyes with some new curiosity and he stopped repeatedly and intermittently to give me huge hugs in a way which he had never done before.They were not the regular cuddly hugs, but more like "this is new, we're having fun together aren't we?" hugs. We'd started a new way of being together. The book affected not only the way we play together but it introduced for me a whole new way of being a parent which has made it even more rewarding for me. I felt that I had (as much as I could !) really got to grips with what I wanted to do in terms of the attachment parenting issues, "disciplining", communication, connecting and all the practical parts of parenting, but here was the fun and the drive to infuse ALL of those areas. Each page is packed with intelligent thought-provoking ideas and sometimes very serious issues, all of which are embedded in such simple and funny anecdotes from his own practice that there is never a dry or "heavy" moment. There are suggestions HOW to play, how to enjoy it as a parent and how to make the most of it for your child as well as your connection with your child. I also knew that playing was also really important for the development of a child, but I'd just taken this as a given and never spent much thought on what it actually meant. Cohen's ideas about why it is developmentally important opened my eyes. It makes one really think about how to play and Cohen has so many smart ideas about how to use play to contribute as a parent to that development. I know that there are those who really believe that children should "learn" as soon as possible to play by themselves and you might get the impression you have to spend time, which you do not have, playing for ever. But this book is about making the whole of parenting fun and rewarding for everyone. PLUS, our boy DOES now play by himself (as well as with me) and he is fantastic at initiating games with other children. After all as a parent, you can only be that much fun at the end of the day...He plays loud intense and funny games with his toys by himself and sometimes I have to stop myself from bothering him and joining in. Groundbreaking.(less)

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Aug 18, 2009 Lauren Bellon rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I LOVE this book. There are so many opportunities to engage with kids through play, to deal with challenging behaviors through play...I once had a boy in one of my classes, 2 1/2 years old, who was going through a lot of change in his life. He would literally come to class each week and begin screaming at the beginning and not stop until the end, scaring some of the other kids quite a bit. For a variety of reasons, Mom was not intervening (she was very, very pregnant and I think just exhausted),...more

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Mar 03, 2011 Fiona rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this when my daughter was smaller, and found it to be a really helpful book. I have to admit that my child is quite an "easy" child, but I think part of that is due to the way I interact with her due to this book.

What made the biggest impression on me in this book is the idea that you can pick your battles, and you can also have fun with your child instead of escalating a battle of wills, especially with a child who can't really communicate his or her feelings effectively at this point....more

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Aug 05, 2012 Natali rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

While this book did help me think about more playful ways to communicate with my children, I wished it were organized differently. The author talks about the "Playful Parenting method" a lot but doesn't really ever articulate exactly what it is. He just says that it is "this philosophy" or "that philosophy." I guess you can see each chapter as an articulation of the method but I kept waiting for a more clear explanation and it never came.

Also, this book has a lot of specific anecdotes. You can...more

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Oct 18, 2012 Brandie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 4-stars, nonfiction, parenting, read-2009

I really LOVED this book. Of course, I play with my kids all the time and so it's not hard to love something that advocates what you are already doing!

However, I didn't understand just how powerful play was - I knew it was important, I knew I wanted my kids doing a lot of it, but I didn't know that I could use play in such specific ways to help them develop and grow and learn.

We are now playing even more around here, and I'm trying to incorporate some of what he talks about in the book into our...more

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Jan 06, 2012 Jenna rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: All parents

Recommended to Jenna by: Aha! Parenting

Shelves: parenting

My E.C.F.E. teacher noticed I had checked this out and she came to talk to me especially about how great this book is. I am so glad that I read it because it has had a huge influence on how I parent and how I see Brooke's world because her world is all about play all the time. And her play will get more and more complex. It was fascinating to learn about how children work through problems they are dealing with through play, and how they tackle new issues they are figuring out about life through...more My E.C.F.E. teacher noticed I had checked this out and she came to talk to me especially about how great this book is. I am so glad that I read it because it has had a huge influence on how I parent and how I see Brooke's world because her world is all about play all the time. And her play will get more and more complex. It was fascinating to learn about how children work through problems they are dealing with through play, and how they tackle new issues they are figuring out about life through play, and all the ways we can assist them through all this learning simply by taking the time to play with them. Adults work through problems and issues by talking and really feeling listened to, but just talking about things with kids doesn't work like it does for adults. Children feel listened to when you give them your time to play, and they communicate through play. I was surprised at how much the author could elaborate on play, which seemed like a simple thing to me before reading the book. Play really is simple, but it is also complex depending on the situation. I felt a little overwhelmed at times that I wouldn't be able to remember all the things he talked about, but the main thing I will take away from the book is that kids get disconnected from us into "towers" of isolation or powerlessness and they need play with us to reconnect. Also the idea that kids have cups that often need refilling through play and connection. And most importantly, that the best kind of play is unstructured where you follow their lead. The goal is to be goofy and get them giggling, and to make them feel powerful. Give boys roots and girls wings. It's neat that I truly have been playing with Brooke more since reading this book and it has made parenting more fun. I do feel more connected to her than before, and it is great that if we keep playtime important it will be great for our relationship for the rest of our lives.
It's also cool that the author mentioned Patty Wipfler as being one of his best teachers, and I love what I've read of hers so far, so I can't wait to read more of her writing.(less)

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Aug 29, 2007 Nadine rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Good ideas, but the author seems to come off as insufferably superior at times, which is off-putting. The rest of us lose our temper, but he always knows better.

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Nov 20, 2009 Anastasia rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2009, non-fiction, parenting

Time to hit the books again, as my parenting is in a shambles right now.

11/4 I don't think I entirely agree with this author's approach (I think many of the play examples he gives can sometimes be merely distracting or can be an intrusive way of trying to get the attention/energy of a child who isn't interested) but he is overall giving me a lot to think about.

11/20 I finally finished this book, and while I still believe that play is not always the answer, I have to admit that I have great resp...more

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Jul 19, 2010 Danielle rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I've only read about half of this book, then had to return it to the library. But that was enough to inspire me to have a more playful approach to my daughter in everyday situations, and it is really working! She is 1 1/2, and she is getting to be a handful. This book also helped me with interactions with random kids I encounter at the park and everywhere else. Now I have some tools and ideas to change the tone of any situation, and change tears to laughter. It takes some work, but it is so wort...more

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Mar 12, 2010 Jeannette rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: mommy-books

I've only read a few chapters of this so far. And it's revolutionizing how I interact with my toddler! *thumbs up!*

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Jul 13, 2009 Eric rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: understanding-kids

An excellent addition to the raising children arsenal. Cohen's clinical counseling approach is completely through play. He explains his approach through clinical examples and gives the rationale for why. In particular, he gives an alternative to the "time-out" which he argues is too isolationist when what is almost always needed is communication and collaboration: A "Couch Meeting" where anyone, parent or child, can call a meeting, the only requirement is that both/all parties show up. It is a t...more

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Nov 15, 2009 Theresa rated it 4 of 5 stars

At one point I overloaded myself with parenting books. I set them aside for a while and thought I'd get my hands dirty instead. But this book came highly recommended. It is wonderful, especially for parents of preschoolers and beyond. Someone I know says that parenting is the ultimate creative venture and this book exemplifies this. The philosophy of having fun while parenting is one that Brian and I already align ourselves with. It's a way of life, but sometimes is easier said than done, right?...more

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Nov 28, 2008 Mike rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is a really good book, filled with lots of ideas for making the interactions with your children much more enjoyable and less stressful. The problem with this, and most other parenting books, is that the tactics he suggests almost always work for him immediately, but don't necessarily work with my son (who is 3). I'm thinking that my son must read these books ahead of me, and has his strategy prepared ahead of time. But, as everyone knows, all kids are different, and so you may have better l...more

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Jul 22, 2012 Sandra Blackard rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

“Pretend… that we’re really gonna be late and you’re really mad.” Imagine your child saying that when you’re grumpy and trying to get out the door in the morning. Games work for kids and parents, too.

"Playful Parenting" is a psychological look at what works with kids. It includes the memorable analogy of filling a child's cup with connection to meet his/her needs. Dr. Cohen clearly establishes that meeting children's needs is the key to long-term behavior management as opposed to reward-and-pun...more

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Jun 25, 2011 Steph rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I got some really good things out of this. It makes me think about the way I parent--it is usually just like my parents did it. It takes more effort than I realized to change what comes naturally--I hope I have enough energy to keep implementing some of the things in this book. Sometimes I think he places too much emphasis on bottled up emotions--but it has given me an alternative to time outs. I still would like to work on a discipline plan that works, especially when your kids are too young to...more

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May 21, 2013 Ellen rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The first few chapters were a bit of a slog because it felt like the same thing was being said again and again in different ways ('play with your child'). But towards the end was more useful - how to discipline without the 'naughty step' (which I can't use as a childminder, and I hadn't quite worked out any alternatives). I think the biggest message I've taken away from this book is that the way my husband plays with the children is OK - he's a big kid - and I just need to leave them to it and j...more

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Aug 20, 2011 Laurene Jewell rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

A very insightful read. I think there are opinions everywhere and hocus pocus galore, but I like how simple the thought is in this book. I said the thought was simple, not the practice. It takes a lot of time and possible change on the parent's part, but if practiced properly I think can be very beneficial. I have used similar techniques when baby sitting when I was younger and as an auntie and have found positive results. I am glad there is a researched book to sight my findings with. Even if y...more

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Jul 11, 2011 Michele rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

I usually get really annoyed with parenting books because they seem to be describing some alternate universe where complete peace is possible - then they go on to describe all the crazy things you have to do to achieve that peace.

This book pulled me in from the beginning with it's realism - I swear half of the families and problems he describes are lifted directly from my life! And the solution is not a cure-all, rather they are strategies to help strengthen the areas where you are weak from one...more

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Jan 19, 2011 Gail rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I'd probably give 3.5 stars if that were an option. I like a lot of the ideas in here, but there were a few things I really didn't like. The idea that to connect with your child you must play - what the child wants to play - with them is common sense and central to the book. I like his ideas about addressing issues like bullying, painful school drop off, etc. through play. I am not sure about his lack of discipline. He advocates for a meeting on the couch instead of things like timeout or ground...more

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Jul 15, 2012 Francis Norton rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: reviewed

Keynes famously said "Practical men, who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence, are usually the slaves of some defunct economist" and in a similar way, many of us are probably unwitting inheritors of a behaviourist view of parenting that suggests we somehow *should* be punishing or rewarding behaviour at its face value.

Lawrence Cohen offers another perspective, based on personal and professional experience, and two simple and reasonably common-sense ideas. The fir...more

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Jan 10, 2011 Elisabeth Hurley rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting, e-books, kindle-books, our-library

One of my absolutely favorite parenting books. It's tremendously helpful in how I approach situations with my little ones. Not like everything is smooth sailing yet, but maybe I need to keep rereading this and a few other certain titles until more of the techniques and principles 'stick'.

I really felt this book gave me some insight into the minds of kid that a lot of others didn't. For instance, the stuff about aggressive play and how it can be beneficial to let the kids work out their stuff th...more

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Jan 08, 2011 Mary Ann rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Very interesting perspective on parenting! The message that has really stuck with me is the fact that if kids are acting up, all they may need is even a few minutes of our undivided attention to really reconnect, then they will be just fine. Taking those few minutes could save hours of struggling and grief. Plus, we need to have fun and connect with kids on their level once in a while! I've only been a parent for a year and a half and I already forget that often.

As far as the discipline section...more

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Jul 11, 2009 s rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

i enjoyed this book immensely--more than any other "attachment-style" parenting book i've read. cohen diligently and single-heartedly explains the need to connect with your child and how to keep that connection alive. too bad you can't use some of these concepts with adults! but, somehow i doubt most friends/partners would take trying to pull one another's socks off or playfully wrestling as a method for healing relationship problems. but, then again, maybe that depends on the auldt! ha!

my favor...more

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Mar 22, 2008 Elizabeth rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: parents, teachers, childcare providers, families

Shelves: family, 2008

"We complain about children's short attention spans, but how long can we sit and play marbles or Barbies or Monopoly or fantasy games before we get bored and distracted, or pulled away by the feeling that getting work done or cooking dinner is more important." p.3

i just finished this book and it is really good. I think this book is a good way to apply attachment parenting to older children. Essentially it is a book for adults on how to play with children. There were a few chapters in the middle...more

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Jan 25, 2008 Taylor rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

Pair this book with Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" - that one is more theory and this one is more practice. Together they make a fine pair of books that (if read by even a fourth of the parents out there) could make a substantial change toward the improvement of society.

One of the small details of this book that made me decide to add it to my shelf was Cohen's reference to children as his friends. This is not something the average adult does. We don't say; "When I was hanging out with m...more

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Jul 05, 2011 Amanda Lueck rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

Cohen has just authored a book on roughhousing which I read about, and the review of that one mentioned this one. WOW! What a find. Basic tenet: to kids, play is communicating and working through emotions. Adults talk and share; kids play. So for parents to help their kids communicate and deal with emotions, playing with them is essential. This book was fabulous. Great advice, easy-to-digest and use, and a nice mix of that advice with personal and gathered examples from real life. I might buy th...more

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Jan 06, 2013 Sheri rated it 4 of 5 stars

Written by an experienced play-therapist, this book was very intuitive and yet surprising. Cohen walks parents through the importance of play in helping children to understand their world and express their feelings about it, shares techniques for encouraging more productive, healthy play, and sprinkles in a lot of helpful anecdotes. Much of his content I felt I already knew intuitively, but having someone state it directly helped me to remember it better in my daily interactions.

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Jan 10, 2013 Wendy rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I liked this book. Good insights about the importance of play and the power of play in a child's life. Towards the end of the book however, the author pits this 'playful parenting' idea against more 'consequence-centered' parenting approaches (I made up that term obviously). That bothered me a bit. I don't see a conflict between the approaches and I think they both can be used harmoniously. All in all - a good book and I look forward to trying many of his suggestions.

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About Lawrence J. Cohen

Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author of PLAYFUL PARENTING, is a licensed psychologist specializing in children's play and play therapy. In addition to his private therapy practice, he is also a speaker and consultant to public and independent schools, and a teacher of parenting classes and classes for daycare teachers. Dr. Cohen is also the co-author, with Michael Thompson and Catherine O'Neill Gr...more

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Quotes from Playful Parenting

“I’m always amazed when adults say that children “just did that to get attention”. Naturally children who need attention will do all kinds of things to get it. Why not just give it to them?” — 3 people liked it

“My wife was out and I was home alone with Emma when my mother called. She said, "Oh, so you're babysitting?" As politely as I could manage, I answered, "I call it fathering." She realized immediately what she had said and apologized. I realized that when she was a child, and again as a mother of young children, father's active involvement with their infants was so minimal that it could fairly be called baby-sitting.” — 1 person liked it

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