Sign in with Facebook
Loading...
84th out of 411 books
—
422 voters
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this ground...more
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this ground...more
Paperback, 432 pages
Published
September 2nd 2003
by Berkley Trade
(first published 2002)
Friend Reviews
To see what your friends thought of this book,
please sign up.
Community Reviews
(showing
1-30
of
1,585)
this book is SO GOOD. Bancroft describes the abuser mentality in such a way as to demystify the cycle of abuse for survivors. As someone who works with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, as well as a survivor myself, I recommend this book to anyone wanting to understand and end abusive relationship patterns.
This book also helped me understand and demystify colonial dynamics-- read Said's description of the construction of the Orientalist on the fictional body of the "Orient" and...more
This book also helped me understand and demystify colonial dynamics-- read Said's description of the construction of the Orientalist on the fictional body of the "Orient" and...more
I wish everyone would read this book. If you're like me- you tip toe around the most brutal and disgusting facets of life. You make excuses, or think, "it could be worse." Read this book as many times as it takes. I would have never thought a book so could accurately capture my personal experiences or those I have heard and read and seen. Lundy Bancroft has done humanity an incredible service in publishing this book; I truly hope that we might yet hope for a future untarnished by the things cont...more
view all 3 comments
This is a must read for any woman who has been or is in an abusive relationship. Bancroft explains in great detail why some men treat their girlfriends or wives so abhorrently . This book taught me that it's not external influences that causes a man to be mean and angry--like he had a bad day at work, he is stressed about money, his childhood, or whatever excuse he uses--it's a fundamental value system he has about women. He learned this value system most likely from his father or another abusiv...more
This was possibly the biggest deterrent for me from re-entering a couple recent negative scenarios. I highly recommend it, and I wish I'd found it sooner.
This book describes the attitudes, behaviours and techniques used by abusive people, the benefits they get from being abusive, and the myths and excuses they use to justify their behaviour. It helps you to recognise whether you are being abused, whether a person is likely to abuse you in future, and, most importantly, reassures you that you're NOT crazy.
Bancroft's writing is eloquent and easy to understand. He doesn't tell you what to do or what to think, he simply explains what is happening.
Sho...more
Bancroft's writing is eloquent and easy to understand. He doesn't tell you what to do or what to think, he simply explains what is happening.
Sho...more
I wholeheartedly recommend this book for everyone. You do not have to be in, or an observer to, an abusive relationship to take away important insights.
Bancroft informs us that his years of counseling partner abusers has taught him the origins of abuse are not in the abuser's past or in his emotions, but rather in his self-centered and entitled beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes. My insight is that there is a continuum of these people; at one end are batterers and murderers, and at the other are t...more
Bancroft informs us that his years of counseling partner abusers has taught him the origins of abuse are not in the abuser's past or in his emotions, but rather in his self-centered and entitled beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes. My insight is that there is a continuum of these people; at one end are batterers and murderers, and at the other are t...more
Lundy Bancroft gave me the understanding I have longed for when it comes to abusive men. He doesn't give the generic, just leave them, they won't change but proceeds to explain the mind games they play and how to tell if they are really wanting to change or not. His 15 years of experience counseling abused men provides the necessary understanding that even psychologists and the court system doesn't understand. He also gives women of these abusers comfort as they may be abandoned by friends and f...more
Mr. Bancroft has put together an honest, no-holds-barred look at one of the most dangerous types of criminals prevalent in today’s society—the abusive partner. Debunking such notions that an abuser is an out-of-control maniac or can blame his behavior on anything or anyone other than himself, Mr. Bancroft shows what goes inside such a person’s mind and how to see through his manipulations for what they are. He offers intelligent insight, step-by-step instructions for recognizing and facing up to...more
This book is about abusive men.The author worked for many years as a counselor/therapist with abusive men, and he put everything down that he's learned about them and I'm pretty convinced he has unravelled the mystery of these sort of guys - which really isn't that much of a mystery, as it turns out they all behave in pretty predictable patterns.
I never would have read this book (or even made it past the first chapter) if there wasn't someone close to me who is getting out of an abusive relation...more
I never would have read this book (or even made it past the first chapter) if there wasn't someone close to me who is getting out of an abusive relation...more
Прочитала около половины в переводе некоего ЖЖ-юзера. Меня всегда пугали признаки излишнего контроля в отношениях. Эта книга может помочь распознать их на ранних стадиях, вовремя уловить тревожные звоночки. Надеюсь, в отличие от клиенток Банкрофта, мне не придётся встречаться с крайними проявлениями "контролирующих мучителей". Не знаю, насколько теория автора соответствует действительности, но книга получилась интересной. Хорошо описаны проблемные моменты поведения: перепады настроения, передёрг...more
Out of all the books I've been reading on the subject, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That has probably been the best of them. Its not perfect, but it helps explain and accurately portrays so much of the physical/emotional/verbal abusers actions. Even if your abuser is not a physical abuser, this book still helps greatly. It should be noted that this book can be helpful for all situations where abuse is involved, even if it isn't an intimate relationship.
As a precursor, this is about abusive me...more
As a precursor, this is about abusive me...more
This book was a lifeline for me during a verbally abusive relationship I was struggling with. What Lundy says is so spot on, that you get a sense he has been a fly on the wall in your house, quietly listening and taking notes, for years. The other thing that struck me is just how very boring and predictable my partner's abusive behaviour was. I was never in any physical danger so my comments only apply to my situation but, once the scales fell from my eyes, nothing my partner said could ever hur...more
For anyone who feel oppressed by spouse, boss and/or colleagues, this is a wonderful book to read, in particular for those who feel frustrated by intimate relationships. It is accurate, professional and right to the point. It tears off the oppressors multilayer of excuses, justification and rationalization of their oppressive behaviors. For the oppressed, this is a wonderful to gain some clarity in the mind. It also provides many resources for those who need help and for those who want to help....more
This book has helped me tremendously in my work with survivors of domestic violence. It's great to be able to explain what I've always known was the reason behind the abuse, but now in a really accessible and understandable way. The author gives us an avenue through which to discuss this subject.
I think the beauty of the way the book is written is that Bancroft makes it so accessible to anyone, without being too political. He writes so that anyone curious about abusive men can start reading and...more
I think the beauty of the way the book is written is that Bancroft makes it so accessible to anyone, without being too political. He writes so that anyone curious about abusive men can start reading and...more
Once upon a time, I was getting a PFA against a boyfriend, and my attorney recommended I read this book.
I think the title is misleading. This is not a book offering advice on how to cope with a personality type. It touches on theories as to what makes people like this tick, but gently guides the reader to do whatever they can to get themselves out of a bad relationship.
Coming away from the book, I felt encouraged to wash my hands of that type of personality, and became more cognoscente of my gra...more
I think the title is misleading. This is not a book offering advice on how to cope with a personality type. It touches on theories as to what makes people like this tick, but gently guides the reader to do whatever they can to get themselves out of a bad relationship.
Coming away from the book, I felt encouraged to wash my hands of that type of personality, and became more cognoscente of my gra...more
As a survivor, this was one of the first books I read. It was as if Mr. Bancroft knew my abuser first-hand...it was like reading my own story. Lundry Bancroft his the nail on the head with this masterpiece. I don't believe his goal is to target men (being a man himself) but, rather, show the profile of an abuser, which is so common! The cycle of violence plays over and over while the victim doubts herself, questions her own thoughts, second-guesses her self-worth and begins to believe the lies h...more
This book...what can I say? It's fantastic. It helped me a lot, pretty much became my bible for a while. It offers a better look into the mindset of abusers than anything else I've encountered.
Would I recommend it? A consummate YES. If you are being, or have ever been, abused by a partner (emotionally, physically or sexually), read this book. If something's off in your relationship but you're scared to slap the 'abuse' label on it, read this book. If you know someone who's being or has been abus...more
Would I recommend it? A consummate YES. If you are being, or have ever been, abused by a partner (emotionally, physically or sexually), read this book. If something's off in your relationship but you're scared to slap the 'abuse' label on it, read this book. If you know someone who's being or has been abus...more
If you are a woman being verbally abused this book was written for you. The author really understands the verbally abusive man, and helps you (the female) make sense of what you are feeling. The back of the book also features a plethora of resources and an extensive index.
AWESOME book. I wish I had read this years ago; it would have saved my kids and me so much pain. I had no idea what I was experiencing was called "physical abuse" because my XH insisted that it wasn't anything like what he had experienced as a child and I accepted his definitions. I didn't know to tell the court what was happening. I didn't know how to deal with what he was doing to the kids, and while I did eventually get them to a safe environment, so much damage was already done to each of us...more
Pastors, you need to read this or a book like it, exploring the dynamics of abuse. Bancroft insists that abuse is the abuser's problem, not the victim's. He gives concrete advice to women* looking to get out of abusive or controlling relationships, and communities who want to help them. There are abusive relationships in all our congregations, and we need to be equipped to support the victim and call the abuser to account.
*Bancroft notes that abuse does occur in same-sex relationships, and that...more
*Bancroft notes that abuse does occur in same-sex relationships, and that...more
An amazingly clear and concise guide to cutting through the confusion that abusers create. Focuses mainly on emotional abuse, which is nice, as many therapy/self-help books on abuse focus on physical abuse. I actually recommend that any feminist interested in how the patriarchy works read this book; it's an amazing indictment of many men's sense of entitlement, and the author (who has run group therapy for abusers for 15 years) clearly details the conscious and subconscious techniques used to ma...more
Fabulous book! I only wish it had been available years ago. Bancroft's book offers explanation how they are able to thrive in society even as they are destroying the lives of others in the family. He also addresses how the traditional approach of analyzing why they angry/violent doesn't work because it also feeds the abuser's narcissism. It also provides insight into why victims don't come forward, or if they do, why they sometimes have difficulty speaking for themselves. Even if you are blessed...more
I'm on the first chapter, and already I feel less crazy. It's so helpful to "see" the manipulation from a different perspective. Also very validating.
Thankfully I don't have much experience working with domestic violence cases, so my five star rating may not be the same as one from an expert would be. Having said that, I took a brief course in domestic violence a few months ago and the instructor referred to this book as her bible. Now that I've read it, I can see why.
This detailed book contains a wealth of practical information on domestic violence. Offering both depth and breadth, this book has the potential to assist victims of domestic vi...more
This detailed book contains a wealth of practical information on domestic violence. Offering both depth and breadth, this book has the potential to assist victims of domestic vi...more
This has been a well thought out, highly informative and provocative look inside the mind of abusive men. Bancroft has given practical ways to recognize if the relationship you are in is abusive and how to respond to that abuse to provide yourself with safety and well being. Bancroft has also provided real life scenarios that help the reader identify abuse in their own life. This book also defines abuse as not only physical, but also psychological and emotional. A very helpful read. If you care...more
I really loved this book. I was going through a horribly abusive relationship at the time I read it. For some reason, it took me an additional 9 months after I read this book to get out of that relationship. Bancroft was right when he said it was difficult to get out of those relationships. Luckily, I finally did and I no longer surround myself with individuals who are abusive (emotionally or physically) or individuals who promote or allow others to be abusive towards me. I have learned to disco...more
Reading this book was very much like a synopsis of my marriage; I stayed too long. I've discovered that a great many angry and controlling men "do NOT have the capacity to recognize their faults,"
and thus, torment their wives, and blame them! for everything! to hide from their sick selves; willfully! Which leads to narcissistic entitlement and little, to no, remorse, which explains why they never change: sociopathic personality traits.
Thus, I have grown to believe, for peace of mind, women are b...more
and thus, torment their wives, and blame them! for everything! to hide from their sick selves; willfully! Which leads to narcissistic entitlement and little, to no, remorse, which explains why they never change: sociopathic personality traits.
Thus, I have grown to believe, for peace of mind, women are b...more
Just to clarify, I did NOT read this because I am married to an angry and controlling man, although anyone who has met Tim understands that. I read this because of a friend of mine who is married to this type of man. Let me tell you, this book is facinating!! I had no idea how intricate and crafy men like this could be. I feel so educated on this subject! I wanted to rate this book because it needs to be recommended to any woman who is in an abusive relationship. My heart goes out to women who a...more
I have been in abusive marriages. People always asked me "Didn't you see any red flags?" Well, if I had read this book, I WOULD HAVE SEEN SCREAMING RED FLAGS. I recomend this book to anyone considering marriage. Anyone that is in an abusive marriage, and anyone that is OUT of an abusive marriage. My nature is to always believe people, trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I am still me..... but I have done my home work now. I hurt for all of the women that find themselves in abusi...more
Apr 30, 2012
Jen
rated it
3 of 5 stars
Recommends it for:
Anyone who has had abuse in their life or want to know more about what really happens.
Shelves:
self-help,
relationships
OH, I am so excited that I FINALLY Finished this book!!!! It has been a long time coming. lol
It started out really hard to read... or rather just the introduction. I think it helped me actually feel better about my ex-marriage. I learned much about abuse of all and from all people. I have noticed during the (LONG) course of reading this book that I have been much more aware of certain aspects, characteristics and treatment of and from others. I think this book was very informative and bringing...more
It started out really hard to read... or rather just the introduction. I think it helped me actually feel better about my ex-marriage. I learned much about abuse of all and from all people. I have noticed during the (LONG) course of reading this book that I have been much more aware of certain aspects, characteristics and treatment of and from others. I think this book was very informative and bringing...more
| topics | posts | views | last activity | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| A must read for every women | 1 | 16 | Dec 17, 2009 11:53pm |
