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Dec 29, 2011

Amory rated it:

this book is SO GOOD. Bancroft describes the abuser mentality in such a way as to demystify the cycle of abuse for survivors. As someone who works with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, as well as a survivor myself, I recommend this book to anyone wanting to understand and end abusive relationship patterns.

This book also helped me understand and demystify colonial dynamics-- read Said's description of the construction of the Orientalist on the fictional body of the More...

0 comments like (6 people liked it)

Jan 21, 2009

Rachel rated it:

This is a must read for any woman who has been or is in an abusive relationship. Bancroft explains in great detail why some men treat their girlfriends or wives so abhorrently . This book taught me that it's not external influences that causes a man to be mean and angry--like he had a bad day at work, he is stressed about money, his childhood, or whatever excuse he uses--it's a fundamental value system he has about women. He learned this value system most likely from his father or another abusiv More...

0 comments like (5 people liked it)

Dec 03, 2008

Erin rated it:

This was possibly the biggest deterrent for me from re-entering a couple recent negative scenarios. I highly recommend it, and I wish I'd found it sooner.

0 comments like (5 people liked it)

Oct 10, 2011

Melissa rated it:

Out of all the books I've been reading on the subject, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That has probably been the best of them. Its not perfect, but it helps explain and accurately portrays so much of the physical/emotional/verbal abusers actions. Even if your abuser is not a physical abuser, this book still helps greatly. It should be noted that this book can be helpful for all situations where abuse is involved, even if it isn't an intimate relationship.

As a precursor, this is about More...

3 comments like (1 person liked it)

Aug 28, 2011

Chris rated it:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
- reviewed by 'Literal Abuse', Liverpool
I'm not sure I agree with one reviewer's assertion that the author doesn't give some of the 'why's' BUT I do agree that it's a book with very little hope offered for the victim or the abuser to repair the relationship. I have been accused of abuse by my ex-beloved and this book and a couple of others have been given to me as 'proof'. They have both left me with the clear impressio More...

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Feb 18, 2011

Luxie rated it:

This book was a lifeline for me during a verbally abusive relationship I was struggling with. What Lundy says is so spot on, that you get a sense he has been a fly on the wall in your house, quietly listening and taking notes, for years. The other thing that struck me is just how very boring and predictable my partner's abusive behaviour was. I was never in any physical danger so my comments only apply to my situation but, once the scales fell from my eyes, nothing my partner said could ever hu More...

1 comment like (4 people liked it)

Oct 21, 2010

Lauren rated it:

I wish everyone would read this book. If you're like me- you tip toe around the most brutal and disgusting facets of life. You make excuses, or think, "it could be worse." Read this book as many times as it takes. I would have never thought a book so could accurately capture my personal experiences or those I have heard and read and seen. Lundy Bancroft has done humanity and incredible service in publishing this book and I truly hope that we might yet hope for a future untarnished by t More...

3 comments like (2 people liked it)

Aug 11, 2011

Xiaomin rated it:

For anyone who feel oppressed by spouse, boss and/or colleagues, this is a wonderful book to read, in particular for those who feel frustrated by intimate relationships. It is accurate, professional and right to the point. It tears off the oppressors multilayer of excuses, justification and rationalization of their oppressive behaviors. For the oppressed, this is a wonderful to gain some clarity in the mind. It also provides many resources for those who need help and for those who want to help. More...

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Mar 02, 2009

Maria rated it:

This book has helped me tremendously in my work with survivors of domestic violence. It's great to be able to explain what I've always known was the reason behind the abuse, but now in a really accessible and understandable way. The author gives us an avenue through which to discuss this subject.

I think the beauty of the way the book is written is that Bancroft makes it so accessible to anyone, without being too political. He writes so that anyone curious about abusive men can start More...

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Jan 29, 2012

nomdeplume rated it:

Once upon a time, I was getting a PFA against a boyfriend, and my attorney recommended I read this book.

I think the title is misleading. This is not a book offering advice on how to cope with a personality type. It touches on theories as to what makes people like this tick, but gently guides the reader to do whatever they can to get themselves out of a bad relationship.

Coming away from the book, I felt encouraged to wash my hands of that type of personality, and became more More...

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Nov 20, 2011

Adaya rated it:

As a survivor, this was one of the first books I read. It was as if Mr. Bancroft knew my abuser first-hand...it was like reading my own story. Lundry Bancroft his the nail on the head with this masterpiece. I don't believe his goal is to target men (being a man himself) but, rather, show the profile of an abuser, which is so common! The cycle of violence plays over and over while the victim doubts herself, questions her own thoughts, second-guesses her self-worth and begins to believe the li More...

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Oct 29, 2009

Lucy rated it:

This book...what can I say? It's fantastic. It helped me a lot, pretty much became my bible for a while. It offers a better look into the mindset of abusers than anything else I've encountered.

Would I recommend it? A consummate YES. If you are being, or have ever been, abused by a partner (emotionally, physically or sexually), read this book. If something's off in your relationship but you're scared to slap the 'abuse' label on it, read this book. If you know someone who's being or h More...

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Nov 03, 2010

SueAnn rated it:

If you are a woman being verbally abused this book was written for you. The author really understands the verbally abusive man, and helps you (the female) make sense of what you are feeling. The back of the book also features a plethora of resources and an extensive index.

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Apr 03, 2011

Khaya rated it:

Thankfully I don't have much experience working with domestic violence cases, so my five star rating may not be the same as one from an expert would be. Having said that, I took a brief course in domestic violence a few months ago and the instructor referred to this book as her bible. Now that I've read it, I can see why.

This detailed book contains a wealth of practical information on domestic violence. Offering both depth and breadth, this book has the potential to assist victims More...

0 comments like (5 people liked it)

May 07, 2011

Roberta rated it:

Reading this book was very much like a synopsis of my marriage; I stayed too long. I've discovered that a great many angry and controlling men "do NOT have the capacity to recognize their faults,"
and thus, torment their wives, and blame them! for everything! to hide from their sick selves; willfully! Which leads to narcissistic entitlement and little, to no, remorse, which explains why they never change: sociopathic personality traits.
Thus, I have grown to believe, for peace More...

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Oct 18, 2010

Stanley rated it:

I have read a lot of books on psychological abuse and domestic violence but this is the best!
I was hooked from the Introduction.
The author has decades of experience working with battering males, and he leaves them no excuses.
I love chapter 2 where it shatters all the myths of why people abuse. Chapter 3 explains the abusive mentality that is essentially summed up by "entitlement". The chapters just keep getting better too.
One of the best points from this book More...

0 comments like (2 people liked it)

Jan 05, 2009

Zinta rated it:

In the United States, two to four million women are physically and emotionally assaulted by their partners. At least one out of three American women will be a victim of abuse by a husband or boyfriend in her lifetime.

Author Lundy Bancroft was former co-director of Emerge, the first program specifically created for abusive men in the United States. He has worked extensively with abusive men for nearly two decades.

Bancroft outlines warning signs of an abusive man; ten abu More...

0 comments like (2 people liked it)

Feb 15, 2009

Amanda rated it:

When I left my husband, I had a tremendous amount of guilt over it. There is a lot of literature on verbally abusive men and their psychology. But Lundy doesn't let them off the hook. He doesn't give them any excuses.

I am so grateful for this book, it really helped me feel better about my decision to leave, and to recognize that the failure of my marriage was not all my fault, and not to feel sorry for my ex (which was something that was holding me back from healing and moving on)

0 comments like (2 people liked it)

Mar 25, 2010

Camille rated it:

An excellent survey of the real problem of abuse. I'm surprised this doesn't get more press because she is acting like Christians want to act. The problem is the problem. The sin is the sin. And the consequences of the sin of abuse must be maintained in order for it to end. For too long, we've let the abusers slip by with their diversionary tactics and from not following through with the consequences of their actions. This books explains the truth and gives solutions and hope.

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Mar 05, 2009

Jenny rated it:

I really believe this is the best, most practical book on the subject of abusive relationships.
When all I thought I had were books, this one was the strongest voice of sanity!

Answering questions bullet point style like:
What does abuse look like... types/patterns of abusive behavior
Facts and Myths about abuse
What causes abuse?
What about the kids?
How to decide about leaving?
Is he really changing? How do you know?
How to make a safety plan?

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Aug 15, 2011

Jessica rated it:

Very helpful to understand abuse. I think this is a good read for anyone so we can understand how to help a person in an abusive situation. One of the parts that surprised me was how counseling can often hurt the victim. Trying to have a victim "make peace" with an abuser can be deadly. The advice we give a victim needs to be thought about differently when they are being abused. I would love to see elders and Pastors read this book.

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Apr 19, 2011

Lindsay rated it:

Shed welcome light on a painful problem with a friend. I would highly recommend it for anyone who found themselves in a friendship or relationship with someone with emotionally abusive tendencies. Checked out a number of books on the topic and this, along with one other (also on my list) were the two best. Marked five stars mostly for the profoundly validating and clarifying effects it had on me.

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Jan 04, 2012

Reem rated it:

I'm glad I stumbled upon this book. An eye opener into subtle and not-so-subtle abusive relationships. It's not much of a "why" as it is detecting these relationships and understanding the view points of the abusive people, their partners and outsiders, how each looks at the situation. Recommend everyone read this whether in an abusive relationship or not.

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Apr 13, 2011

Cara rated it:

I read this book to understand a friend's situation better. It was an eye-opening and life-changing book about abusive men (physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual). It taught me a lot and has really affected how I think. I highly recommend this book for anyone who is dealing with such a man, or has a friend/family member in that position.

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Sep 17, 2009

reed rated it:

My favorite point from this book: abusive men want to think (and have others think) that their abusive actions spring from complicated and deeply buried traumas in their pasts. But the cause of abuse is actually quite simple and clear - it is the abuser's belief that they have a right to control their partner's actions and thoughts.

0 comments like (2 people liked it)

Mar 08, 2009

Ange rated it:

This book is a wonderful resource for those who have been exposed to domestic violence either personally or someone you love has been exposed. It is a great step to raising awareness of domestic abuse and the many misconceptions about it. You will have a greater understanding of what an abuser and an abused person must face.

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Aug 06, 2011

Ti-Leigh added it

I couldn't finish this either. It was fascinating, destroying the old myths that men abuse because they're angry. They abuse because of what they believe. I highly recommend it, but it was too scary and made me feel terrible.

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Mar 13, 2010

Shanon rated it:

Validation. This book made me cry, scream, sigh, and laugh. It has been a major stepping stone in getting me to where I am currently in my life. I would recommend this to anyone who has ever been in any kind of abusive relationship.

1 comment like (3 people liked it)

Jul 27, 2011

Apryl rated it:

The truth is hard. Reality is that not everyone lives it, and change is difficult.
This book is intended for those in relationships that are lacking respect (including all levels), and for everyone who cares about others.

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Jul 20, 2011

Madonna rated it:

interesting book! It gave great insight into angry and controlling men and had a lot of tips on what to look for in relationships if your not sure if your with an angry controlling man. But it did inspire me to stay single

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