Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

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Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

4.11 of 5 stars 4.11 · rating details · 973 ratings · 185 reviews

Intelligence That Comes from the Heart Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and res...more

Paperback, 240 pages

Published August 12th 1998 by Simon & Schuster (first published February 3rd 1997)

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May 10, 2011 Elise rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

Every parent should read this book. Parents of toddlers, parents of teenagers. There are so many things in this book that can help parents build trusting, communicative relationships with their children, and establish methods to help a child become "emotionally intelligent." The beginning of the book talks about how the emotional intelligence of a child is a far greater predictor of success (school performance, education, career opportunities, better peer relationships) in life than a child's me...more

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May 02, 2007 Lance Agena rated it 4 of 5 stars

There are many parenting books out there that are as controversial as they are popular. You use what you find helpful and ignore what doesn't fit in with your own personal parenting philosophy. I found most of Goleman's techniques in this book to be insightful and invaluable.

Too often, we may find ourselves giving in to venting our anger or frustration at our children for our own emotional benefit, forgetting that they are not adept at reading their own feelings much less yours. It is too easy...more

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Sep 03, 2008 Natalie rated it 4 of 5 stars

yes, i read parenting books. i'm a nanny and an overachiever. this one is excellent. even if you never hang out with kids, i think that at a certain age, we all realize that we need to be a good parent to ourselves - creating nurturing and discipline in our daily lives. so this book gave me tools to understand the underlying philosophy of my own parents, the way its affected my own style, and tools for changing it. Plus, it has helped immensely with taking care of a two and four year old.

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Feb 20, 2013 Caroline rated it 3 of 5 stars

It's fine. Not earth-shattering or anything, but practical, substantial, and solidly supported. I had a previous love for Gottman from his marriage studies/books.

I don't really think it's necessary to memorize the emotion coaching steps or anything, since a lot of it just strikes me as common sense and practice, and once you embrace the role of emotion-coaching, you'll find your own ways to communicate with your particular kid in the way that works best for y'all. (But the specific steps might...more

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Jan 19, 2013 Gail rated it 3 of 5 stars

John Gottman should feel sad for two reasons: (1) he buries astute analysis and fabulously practical advice (of which he is rightfully proud) inside a tomb of, frankly, boring writing and poor organization, and (2) he writes for a cripplingly heterogeneous audience. For a mother who already embraces her own emotions and honors them in her children, reading “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” feels like a socialite perusing a manual of polite social interaction written for the autistic. I...more John Gottman should feel sad for two reasons: (1) he buries astute analysis and fabulously practical advice (of which he is rightfully proud) inside a tomb of, frankly, boring writing and poor organization, and (2) he writes for a cripplingly heterogeneous audience. For a mother who already embraces her own emotions and honors them in her children, reading “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” feels like a socialite perusing a manual of polite social interaction written for the autistic. I wasted time and effort slogging through dry material justifying parental emotion-coaching when the boon of Gottman’s significant work and expertise can be summarized in a few pages (just watch me); at the same time, I recognize the need to teach others to swim before instructing them in the niceties of a butterfly kick. Color me frustrated.

Gottman’s division of parents into four types helps to clarify my chief complaint: the “dismissing parent” minimizes emotion and employs distraction, the “disapproving parent” negates and belittles emotion, the “laissez-faire parent” acknowledges emotion but doesn’t guide children to resolution, and the “emotion coach” values children’s emotions, “us[ing] emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with soothing words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling, offer guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions, [and] teach problem-solving skills.” Though we all have our moments in each camp, readers are predisposed to be most like one of the four types.

Since dismissing and disapproving parents need the “why” behind emotion coaching Gottman starts out by explaining that children of emotion coaches unsurprisingly end up with “more general abilities in the area of their own emotions . . . includ[ing] being able to regulate their own emotional states” (i.e., moderating their reactions and soothing themselves when upset, even physically calming down their hearts faster). More interestingly, his research shows that these kids also “had fewer infectious illnesses[,] . . . were better at focusing attention[,] . . . related better to other people[,] . . . were better at understanding people[, and] . . . were also better at situations in school that required academic performance.” In order to explain this link between “parents’ responsiveness and children’s emotional intelligence,” Gottman theorizes that “[w]ith adults constantly invalidating her feelings, [a child begins to accept the adult’s estimation of the event, learns to doubt her own judgment, and] loses confidence in herself.” On an even more visceral level, he explains, “[b]abies whose emotional needs are neglected . . . don’t get the chance to learn th[at it is possible to go from feelings of intense distress, anger, and fear, to feelings of comfort and recovery]. When they cry out of fear, sadness, or anger, they experience only more fear, more sadness, and more anger. . . . [T]hey experience negative emotion as a black hole of anxiety and fear.” Okay, so “no thanks” to the black hole of anxiety and fear.

Now that he has dismissing and disapproving parents on board (and laissez-faire and emotion coaching parents bored), Gottman sets about explaining how a parent switches styles: analyzing and altering her approach to her own emotions. Don’t worry, he reassures, “[f]or most . . . becoming emotionally aware is not a matter of picking up new skills; it is a matter of granting themselves permission to experience what’s already there,” and fear not, “people can be emotionally aware . . . without being highly expressive.” Finally, we get to “the five key steps for emotion coaching . . . : (1) being aware of the child’s emotion; (2) recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; (3) listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings; (4) helping the child verbally label emotions [in order to “transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of everyday life”]; and (5) setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.” All the while making sure the child “understand[s] that . . . [a]ll feelings and all wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.”

A chapter packed with helpful strategies follows. For example, I’ve long wondered whether I show too much emotion when dealing with my little ones, especially after reading the “Parenting with Love & Logic” admonition to never let your kids see you sweat. Gottman confirmed my maternal impulse that parents ought to model emotional intelligence, displaying emotions like anger and showing their children that “[s]trong feelings can be expressed and managed” (with the added benefit of showing that you care). Gottman’s other suggestions include: (1) “acknowledge low levels of emotion early on before they escalate”; (2) since “children - like all people - have reasons for their emotions, whether they can articulate them or not,” if you find your child “getting angry or upset over an issue that seems inconsequential, it may help to step back and look at the big picture of what’s going on in their lives”; (3) don’t joke or use discipline playing on children’s fear of abandonment; (4) “sharing simple observations usually works better than probing questions to get a conversation rolling”; (5) “avoid questions to which you already know the answer”; (6) “keep in mind that children also learn from their mistakes [and if] your child seems to be veering toward an idea that you know is unworkable but harmless, you may want to let her try it anyway”; (7) “avoid ‘siding with the enemy’”; and (8) “fantasy play . . . [has] utility in helping kids cope with a multitude of anxieties likely to peak in early childhood” such as fear of powerlessness, abandonment, the dark, bad dreams, parental conflict, and death. Lastly, my favorite new trick comes from one of Gottman’s study participants: ask yourself whether you and your child are “’settl[ing y]our differences like two people [or like] a guy and his dog.’”

Though I didn’t find the chapter on marriage and divorce particularly enlightening, I loved the daddy chapter and recommend that working parents of either gender read it in isolation (and sub in gender-neutral language) if they don’t have time for the whole book. Gottman writes, “[T]he best way for dads to be part of their children’s lives is to participate in . . . ‘family work,’ the day-to-day feeding, bathing, dressing, and nurturing of children.” After all, “[s]uccessful fathering is not about getting things done despite our children. . . . It’s about . . . taking time to be with our children one on one, relating to them on a level their age requires.” And the effect is cumulative: “[c]onversations come easier if you know about the events and people in your child’s life.” In sum, “family time is full of a million opportunities either to connect with your children or to distance yourself from them.” Of course, the great paternal irony is that men are socialized to work hard to provide for their families, but the harder they work (i.e., the longer hours they’re away and the more distracted they are when they’re home) the less they can emotionally provide for their families. At the end of the day, “men are often required to sacrifice financial gains and career development in order to strike a better balance between their work and family lives.” From Gottman’s lips to God’s ears.

The next edition could certainly benefit from a heavy-handed editor and a “choose your own adventure” approach; in the meantime, parents who take the time to sift through the existing material will be handsomely rewarded with Gottman’s substantial wisdom.(less)

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Nov 09, 2009 Heidi rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is, hands down, one of the best books I've ever read. Gottman presents a way to parent that is simple, consistent, and kind. I was shocked that his advice cast an almost magical spell of understanding and calm on my child. This isn't a book on discipline so much as it is a reminder that treating someone (even a 3 year old or 13 year old someone) with respect and love yields mutual respect and love.

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Sep 24, 2008 Jesse rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Anyone

Recommended to Jesse by: Business Psychologist

This is a great book regardless of whether or not you are raising a child, although I imagine it could be even better if you were. It was recomended to me by a business psycholgist during a week long group therapy session with a focus on leadership. It gives very practical advice that I was able to use immediately in an office setting with noticeable results.

Very valuable book!

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Sep 04, 2012 Natali rated it 4 of 5 stars

You can sum up the five main points in this book in just one chapter but I did appreciate the supporting chapters. There is a lot of really good scientific research in this book, which I always appreciate. I recently ditched a parenting book because its main supporting text was the bible. :|

This author is a psychotherapist who emphasizes empathy as the main way to relate to children. He talks about how damaging it can be to minimize their stress and the lasting effects of doing so, which can tea...more

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Jan 02, 2013 Megan rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: child-development-parenting

Gottman has a reputation for basing useful relationship advice on research (he is also known for his work on making marriages more successful). And the material in this book is based on scientific and reviewed research, which is always nice.
Additionally, I think there are concrete suggestions for how to handle issues that come up in child-rearing, and some background for why one should choose this approach (which is based heavily on discussion and empathy).*
I found the book a bit of a slog, tho...more

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Mar 18, 2011 Kara rated it 3 of 5 stars

I think this book would be really good for parents who aren't sure what emotions are acceptable and how to handle their own emotions in relation to their childs' emotions- clear as mud. What I mean is, if you are ok with your child getting angry, upset, frustrated then you probably know most of what's in this book. But if you aren't ok with yourself feelings these emotions, let alone a child, then you should read it to get on board. Kids are going to have emotions, for crying out loud, adults do...more

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Apr 17, 2009 melissa/missy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: birth-and-parenting

The best parenting book EVER. In fact, it's pretty much the only parenting book I've ever liked much at all :) I've read it several times, and it has radically shaped my ideas about creating attachment and mutual respect in my relationship with my kid(s).

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Oct 27, 2012 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

This book offers a thorough argument for "emotion coaching", and recommends respect for children's emotional lives and expressions. The "coaching" is really just about being present and supportive while kids experience strong emotions, then helping them to label what they feel, and discuss and/or problem-solve the situation the emotion arises from. The method described allows children to develop coping skills and emotional intelligence with their parents providing scaffolding and support. It's r...more

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Nov 08, 2008 Brynn rated it 4 of 5 stars

good stuff, but i didn't give it a 5 because it quotes Ginott so much that you might as well just read Ginott's "Between Parent and Child". redundant, but well-written and easy to glean good advice from.

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Jan 04, 2008 Sofi Carpenter rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: marriage-family

This book had good ideas, but I felt it was redundant; it could have made the point with half the words. I also feel it was mostly geared to those with small children.

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Aug 28, 2009 Julie Verner rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

A must-read parenting book. He offers a wonderful discussion of the importance of parenting our children's emotions. The book offers examples, self-assessment quizzes, and is centered around five steps to becoming an emotion coach. Because so much of the work that I do as a therapist is with individuals who present with problems because they do not know how to recognize, name, and effectively cope with their emotions, I believe strongly in the merit of this type of book. As valuable as the book...more

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May 01, 2013 Jeff Bilman rated it 5 of 5 stars

They say there's no rule book for being a parent. Well ... yes and no. There's a lot of good information out there if you're willing to seek it out (although I suppose you can argue about which which piece of conflicting information to choose!).

This book doesn't solve every parenting issue, obviously, but it certainly helps with what I believe is one of the most important aspects of life - emotional intelligence. I don't know what it says about my own EI, but I certainly learnt a few things tha...more

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Aug 06, 2008 Erika rated it 2 of 5 stars

This had some good ideas in it, but a lot of them are things that are kind of common sense. I do like it, but I probably won't finish it.

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Jun 25, 2010 Melissa rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child taught me how to better connect and deal with my children's emotions. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture has helped me to understand and deal with the regular outbursts that occur in household with four children.

I read the book and evaluated the content in terms of how I was raised and my perception on my husband's upbringing. Our parents did very well in some areas (in all honesty, probably better than we are doing), and in other areas...more

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Jul 01, 2011 Sara rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This so far has been one of my favorite parenting books. I am not a fan of those books that say "don't do such and such because research shows that your child will become a juvenile delinquent..."

I like how this book gives you sample dialogues and overall it is very encouraging. It is also comforting to hear 'experts' reiterate how we all fly off the handle sometimes. I was drawn to the title since my husband and I grew up with parents who were (and in many ways still are) emotionally unavailab...more

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Sep 10, 2008 Aimee rated it 5 of 5 stars

A must read for parents from a very credible & respected author.

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Oct 23, 2010 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

As Gottman explains, this book is basically the research-based, more scientific version of Ginott's Between Parent and Child. The whole idea is that by being "emotion coaches" for their children, parents can foster resiliance and emotional stability. The idea that has stuck with me is that of using children's emotional moments as opportunities for bonding and teaching. It's helpful for me when faced with an out-of-control child, to think, "Now here's a chance for me to be closer to this child an...more

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Oct 22, 2009 Marie rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: for-me-the-adult, parenting

Gottman picks up where Ginot and Faber & Maslich leave off; what is new here is that Gottman rolls out the research about the long-term well-being of children who are "emotion-coached." He also adds a section about how parental conflict and divorce can be mitigated by emotion-coaching. I probably should give it a higher rating except that these ideas aren't new to me, since I've read Ginot and Faber & Maslich, as well as parts of Gottman's marriage books. So this didn't seem as life-clar...more

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Nov 06, 2012 Rebecca Reid rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: b-nonfic-read-write-educate

Parents: If you read one parenting book, I think this slim volume should be it!

It has been more than a month since I finished reading Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman (published 1998). By waiting to write my thoughts, I may not have as many specific examples and quotes to share. However, by letting the book percolate in my mind as I went about my life, I can even better declare that Gottman’s slim volume is a helpful and essential reminder of the role of parents in the l...more

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Aug 05, 2012 Natalie rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, parenting

Awesome awesome book. I love John Gottman and think he has great info with great research. A lot of things he says to do I've already been doing with Addie, but there are things I can do better and need to remember not to say or do. Like instead of telling her to be happy when she's throwing a tantrum or she goes to bed for a nap, tell her that it's okay that she's sad or angry, but if she has a tantrum and isn't acting nicely she needs to go to her room and calm down and she can come out when s...more

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Jan 05, 2011 Christine rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is the best parenting book I have ever read. Considering that I generally hate reading parenting and self-help books, this is really saying a lot. I loved how the author supported his claims with scientific findings as well as real life examples. His scenarios were so age appropriate for my own children (ages 7, 5, 3) that I recognized a few as conversations I had had recently with my own kids! I plan on purchasing this book and reading it again and again. The principles are sound and ring...more

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Aug 12, 2012 Rebecca rated it 5 of 5 stars

A few pages in and I had a spooky sense of dejavu-- am I crazy or have I read this all before somewhere? After a few more pages, the feeling was explained. Gottman was greatly influenced by the work of Haim Ginott, who did important research in childhood and communication, but who was not widely interpreted for the public until Faber's "How so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" translated his psychological principles into concrete parenting tools.

So reading this, after loving "How t...more A few pages in and I had a spooky sense of dejavu-- am I crazy or have I read this all before somewhere? After a few more pages, the feeling was explained. Gottman was greatly influenced by the work of Haim Ginott, who did important research in childhood and communication, but who was not widely interpreted for the public until Faber's "How so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" translated his psychological principles into concrete parenting tools.

So reading this, after loving "How to Talk" for years, is like meeting your best friend's sister. The similarities are surprising and the differences intriguing, and I find myself getting drawn into the puzzle of interpretation and mentorship, an almost Talmudic question or revision, meaning, context, transmission, source, authenticity, and generational divisions...

But that's beside the point.

This quick-read book gently but insistently reminds parents that children's feelings matter, and that rather than dismissing, squelching, or indulging in those feelings, parents need to take on a role of "Emotional Coaches." We have to listen to what the child is experiencing, help them label their feelings, and support them as they work out solutions.

Gottman's body of empirical research-- based on years of work-- makes his parenting advice unique. Other books may say, "don't yell at your kids, it's not good for them," where Gottman is able to say, "don't yell at your kids, it causes the ambient level of stress hormones in their blood and urine to be constantly elevated which is detrimental to their emotional, physical and intellectual health."

He includes good solid Gottman advice that fans will recognize from his other works, but re-interpreted for parents. We need to have "Mental maps" of our kids' lives, and avoid the "Four Horseman" in our families. There are reams of very practical advice for communicating well with kids, and giving them the skills they need to navigate their own difficult feelings for their lifetimes.

(less)

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Oct 09, 2010 Russell rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book has started to significantly change my parenting style. With each chapter I noticed that I was starting to soak in the ideas and principles of emotional awareness. I decided not to read it too quickly after I began noticing how it was influencing my sensitivity. I took the time to really think about experiences and situations in the past where I could have applied what Gottman was teaching. This approach required a significant amount of pondering and evaluation. I expect that I will re...more

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May 06, 2009 Megan rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is a book I want to read again and again so I can learn new things to deal with my kids at different stages. Here is what I learned this time through:

* The basic premise of this book is that a parent shouldn't try to control or censure a child's feelings, but they should set limits on behavior. I really like the balance he suggests.

* The most helpful thing for me in my current stage as a parent was the concept that I don't have to fix everything. I find it very stressful when Sandy cries a...more

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Apr 20, 2009 Marie Feinauer rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book was well thought out and very well researched. I also thought it went well with the Dr. William Sears "Attachment Parenting" books. It has some of the same ideas, but applied more to older children. It also goes well with the Charlotte Mason philosophy that children are people. It did challenge a lot of my paradigms of how I look at emotion. But I could see it helping me when I babysat my cousin's daughter. And I also could see myself making the mistakes they said. Even though it gives...more

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Oct 04, 2008 Maya rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents

One thing my mother always told me was that she believes children are people too, and adults should remember that. Essentially, that is the message John Gottman seeks to deliver in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

As a parent I found the book helpful because it gives five "rules" for responding when your child is emotional. I find, that as my son gets older, my impulse is to expect him to keep his emotions more under control. But that expectation is sometimes unreasonable; I need to rem...more One thing my mother always told me was that she believes children are people too, and adults should remember that. Essentially, that is the message John Gottman seeks to deliver in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

As a parent I found the book helpful because it gives five "rules" for responding when your child is emotional. I find, that as my son gets older, my impulse is to expect him to keep his emotions more under control. But that expectation is sometimes unreasonable; I need to remember that he needs training and practice to be able to handle his emotions.

Children really feel everything and they express it fully. That's why they can go from laughing to crying in seconds, and screaming with anger to seeming fine a few minutes later. This lability causes adults to believe that children's emotions aren't real.

I didn't need the first third of the book, devoted to convincing the reader that they need the need the rest of the book, so I skimmed those parts. But I did need the bulk of the book. I have, in the five years since my son was born, learned these techniques (or ones similar to them) and forgotten them again several times. The book was a great reminder for me why it is so important to take the time and energy to engage with my children and really help them and me understand what they are feeling and how they can best handle it appropriately.

I especially enjoyed and found helpful the sections showing how to let the child discover the solution for themselves. No one, especially not my older son, likes to be told what to do! So more techniques to help him figure out solutions to his problems the better, as far as I'm concerned. I know I'll want to read it again in a few years when the techniques that work best now with a five year old will need to be changed for my son as an eight, twelve, or sixteen year old.

Just as I know that I cannot assume I know or understand everything about another adult, I know that I cannot know or understand everything about my children. But this book has helped me develop some tools so that I can be receptive to hearing from them what they are experiencing. And I need to be receptive, because I want them to keep talking to me for a long time to come. (less)

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About John Gottman

Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of the Gottman Institute™ with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where they are developing programs for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Dom...more

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