What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over

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What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over

3.63 of 5 stars 3.63 · rating details · 134 ratings · 46 reviews

It happens without warning, and it hits you with devastating force. Your closest girlfriend, the Ethel to your Lucy, the Thelma to your Louise, cuts you off completely. No more late-night phone calls, no more afternoon e-mails, no more catch-up lunches and dinners. She has decided for whatever reason to move on with her life and has left you to figure it out on your own. T...more It happens without warning, and it hits you with devastating force. Your closest girlfriend, the Ethel to your Lucy, the Thelma to your Louise, cuts you off completely. No more late-night phone calls, no more afternoon e-mails, no more catch-up lunches and dinners. She has decided for whatever reason to move on with her life and has left you to figure it out on your own. The experience can be as painful and confusing as a sudden breakup with a significant other, and you replay scenes from the friendship and wonder what you did wrong.Until now, women had to endure the heartache of losing a friend all alone, without the social support and understanding that accompanies, say, a romantic split-up -- and to make matters worse, they don't even have their best friend's shoulder to cry on. But "What Did I Do Wrong?" gives you that sympathetic shoulder and a resource -- and some answers -- that you can rely on. After author Liz Pryor had gone through a number of these breakups herself, she set out to discover why they were happening, how to help herself -- and others -- get through them...and how to prevent them from happening again.

Through personal interviews and her popular website, www.lizpryor.com, Pryor collected hundreds of stories of friendships with which you will identify. Now she draws on those stories to explore the dynamics of friendship breakups in a candid, intimate way, revealing the patterns, the warning signs, and some ways to put a friendship right or help it change to meet your or your friend's changing life. She also explains how to end a friendship -- if you find that you need to do so -- in ways that honor both parties' feelings and your history together.

Like the best kind of girlfriend -- one who really will stay friends forever -- Pryor blends plain, old-fashioned, feminine good sense and good humor with genuine empathy for the thousands of women who live with the confusion that lingers after an ended friendship -- for women of all ages, races, and backgrounds. "What Did I Do Wrong?" validates your feelings and inspires you to be more forthright and compassionate with new and old friends. It might even lead you to reconnect with a lost one. In the end, you will be moved and uplifted by the many stories of strong friendships, broken friendships, and renewed friendships that make this book a treasure of women's wisdom and experiences.(less)

Hardcover, 193 pages

Published March 28th 2006 by Free Press (first published 2006)

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Mar 21, 2007 Andrea rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who's ever lost a girlfriend

We all know what happens when you break up with a boyfriend, but what happens when you break up with your best friend? This book gets to the heart of the matter and holy crap, is it intense. As someone who has been dumped by a close friend in the past, I could not put this book down. Liz Pryor's writing is fluid and straight-forward and she uses her own breakup as the background for the book. She writes about the grief, shame, anger, hurt and confusion that can surround the ending of a beloved f...more

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Apr 07, 2013 Alex rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

Recently I'd become fascinated with friendships. I found this book through an article in a magazine and pursued it mostly out of curiosity rather than a hope of gaining advice. I've had friendships awkwardly end and I wondered what other women had to say about it. I'd also just written an email to my friend about this very topic and figured it wasn't fate so much as a funny coincidence upon which I should take the bait.

Liz Pryor attempts to offer insights into female friendships. From what I can...more Recently I'd become fascinated with friendships. I found this book through an article in a magazine and pursued it mostly out of curiosity rather than a hope of gaining advice. I've had friendships awkwardly end and I wondered what other women had to say about it. I'd also just written an email to my friend about this very topic and figured it wasn't fate so much as a funny coincidence upon which I should take the bait.

Liz Pryor attempts to offer insights into female friendships. From what I can gather the thesis of the book is not so much an explanation as to why friendships end, but instead the insistence that in order to truly grieve over an ended friendship society needs to outwardly admit and place value on friendship. She utilizes her own personal stories and the stories of other women who experience the loss of friendship in a variety of ways; she also presents the cases of both women who initiated the end of a friendship and women who are on the receiving end of a breakup.

First, I LOATHE the title. It sounds so whiny and hyperbolic, but at the same time, it is true: at the end of a friendship that ends with a whimper (or even a bang) most of us are left confused and wondering that exact thing. But the book doesn't only cover feelings of being a victim, and I feel the title is misleading. The book really is a dialogue and covers more ground than crying over lost friendships. Second, at times the book frustrated me in ways I can't put into words. Perhaps it was Pryor's constant need to DEFINE THINGS that got to me. Sometimes friendship is to ethereal to put in a code or a practice or a "how-to" model. Sometimes Pryor takes things so literally- an in her exploration of lying- that I wanted to rip out the pages and eat them.

But ultimately Pryor exposes the complicated nature of not just women, but people in general, and in the end you I concluded that at some point your biggest ally is your instincts. Because life is complicated, people are complicated, and therefore friendships are complicated.

It's a quick, interesting read. I finished it in 3 days (I could have finished it in 1, really). If you're not seeking advice so much as a conversation between women that will give you something to think about and the ability to say, "Wow. I totally get that. I've been there. I'm not alone." then this book is for you.(less)

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May 24, 2011 Stephanie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: If you like: The Purpose Driven Life

Shelves: 50-book-2011, non-fiction

I am a person who breaks-up with friends. I am more than willing to admit it. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with friends once they are out of my sphere, although I do miss them. I don’t tell them what’s going on in my life, you’re better at learning about me from Facebook or this blog than getting me to call you or write a letter. I am also more than willing to admit that I was hoping that Liz Pryor’s book What Did I Do Wrong? What to Do when You Don’t Know Why the Friendship Over (from...more I am a person who breaks-up with friends. I am more than willing to admit it. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with friends once they are out of my sphere, although I do miss them. I don’t tell them what’s going on in my life, you’re better at learning about me from Facebook or this blog than getting me to call you or write a letter. I am also more than willing to admit that I was hoping that Liz Pryor’s book What Did I Do Wrong? What to Do when You Don’t Know Why the Friendship Over (from Free Press) would make me feel guilty and repentant. I realized after reading the book, I am nothing like the evil women who have left unendings, I, no matter how much it has hurt me and the other person, have confronted the ending and lived with the consequences. I have no need to feel the guilt and repent like some of the women should feel.
The beginning of this book is foolishly deceptive, as in it seems like it’s going to be the “Cosmopolitan magazine” approach to friendships, I felt there was nothing there for me to learn. However, Liz Pryor does well to ease the reluctant reader in and then teach us (and, by us I mean women) how we hurt ourselves and each other when we just brush off our friendships.
She takes us through each step of a friendship break-up, how to do it responsibly and how to heal after a friend has given you the cold shoulder and has stopped answering your phone calls.
Frankly, it wasn’t until I read this book that I began to understand that women do to other women what they WOULD NEVER want done to themselves. One story really resonated with me, because it is the kind of behavior that you see only in 8th Grade girls, it’s the story of Jessica.

The Story of Jessica, a Preview
"About a year after the icing, before their house had sold, one of the four neighbors finally contacted Jessica. She called late one night and said, "I just want you to know that what's happened with you was not my doing. I know what good people you are, and i'm sorry that this has happened." But before Jessica could say anything, her former friend hung up.
A couple of days later, Jessica received a phone call from her former preschool teacher, who said she wanted to tell Jess everything she'd heard about Jessica's family. She felt it was the right thing to do. Jess sat and listened...in horror."

I am amazed that there are women out there who treat their friends like children and don't give them the respect that they, as adults, deserve.
I thank Liz Pryor for writing this insightful book about an epidemic that women seem too ashamed to talk about. I hope that Pryor's experiences as well as the experiences of the brave women in her book will help others to not only open up, but understand that sometimes friendships end...be brave enough to end them correctly.

4 Stars

The message is powerful, but the conduit is a little simplistic.
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Sep 28, 2009 Karen rated it 5 of 5 stars

Why is it that a breakup with a boyfriend, even a relationship that lasted only a couple of months, gets more support than the ending of a friendship between two women? With a boyfriend, there is acknowledgment that the relationship is over and then the comforting you receive from friends and family, allowing a sense of closure. An ending of a close female friendship barely gets a nod, if it’s in fact acknowledged at all.

I’ve had many “What did I do wrong?” moments. And for years I thought I was...more Why is it that a breakup with a boyfriend, even a relationship that lasted only a couple of months, gets more support than the ending of a friendship between two women? With a boyfriend, there is acknowledgment that the relationship is over and then the comforting you receive from friends and family, allowing a sense of closure. An ending of a close female friendship barely gets a nod, if it’s in fact acknowledged at all.

I’ve had many “What did I do wrong?” moments. And for years I thought I was alone as one best friend after another disappeared from my life. It has gotten so bad that I’ve chosen not to start any more friendships and have been without a best girlfriend for several years now. It is such a painful experience. For the receiver, the pain of not knowing why a friend left can cause years of gut-wrenching sorrow. So this book was very life-affirming for me and it’s begun a healing process which is long overdue.

But this book has made me recognize that I have also been the initiator of a friendship ending. Well, kinda. In my case, the woman I’ve been trying to get out of my life has never quite gotten the hint. It’s been literally 20 years of me not returning phone calls and claiming to be busy. She’ll stop calling me for 6 months or so and just as I start thinking I’ve finally gotten rid of her, up she pops again, ringing my doorbell, calling a dozen times a day. After reading this book I realize that I’m doing the same thing to her as others have done to me. And why haven’t I realized this before now? Because many women, for whatever reason, use avoidance to end friendships. There are no socially acknowledged guidelines for ending a friendship. We women do not talk about it.

The author uses her own breakups as well as a bunch of stories from women who have both been dumped and done the dumping. The writing style is engaging and the stories are both excruciatingly painful and healing to read. If you've been through this, know that you are not alone and there are women who have been through way worse!

I’ve been through it all: the mutual drifting away of two friends, no hard feelings on either side; the abrupt confrontation that seems to come out of the blue, in my case my best friend one day randomly declared “I can’t be your friend anymore” with absolutely no explanation as to why; the inexplicable drifting away, where a long-time best friend gradually stops returning phone calls and always claims to be busy until eventually you never hear from them again; and the (for me) most puzzling, the sudden disappearance of a really close friend, best friends one day and fall off the face of the earth the next.
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May 22, 2010 Tanya rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010-books

This book covered many different stories, including the author's personal experiences, that illustrated how women's friendships may end and the emotional impact it can have on both the individual initiating the break-up and the one being dumped.

Friendships are so important to women, that we need to pay attention to a friendship when it's not going right. "Women's love and commitment to one another is abounding, yet when friendships end, we show little to no respect or honor for that which has e...more This book covered many different stories, including the author's personal experiences, that illustrated how women's friendships may end and the emotional impact it can have on both the individual initiating the break-up and the one being dumped.

Friendships are so important to women, that we need to pay attention to a friendship when it's not going right. "Women's love and commitment to one another is abounding, yet when friendships end, we show little to no respect or honor for that which has enriched, supported, and even prolonged our lives." (p 27) Therefore, even friendships that end are opportunities for growth and a chance to support and honor other women to the final steps of friendship.

Too often, we clearly recognize that a friendship is not working any more and then through a masterful, calculated, methodical kind of avoidance, we quietly and brutally terminate the relationship, with the other person sometimes reeling from the confusion created because it is unresolved, "what did I do wrong?" (p. 4) It's important to examine not only those friendships that others ended, but the ones I did in a not so kind manner.

It pointed out the "norm for ending women's friendships seem to be, if we care deeply, avoid; if we don't care at all, confront!" (p 104) Now I know where I stand with a few challenging relationships, especially those that will continue because we all have school-children and will be encountering each other for at least another decade.

People will "do what they have to do," and then later hope they grow and learn. (p 91) A healthier strategy than avoiding, might be to honor the friendship by honestly communicating that it's time to move on or that the friendship is no longer meeting your own needs. Closure, though painful, can be helpful to both parties. Sometimes a relationship just needs redefining. Either way, be respectful and be truthful, while focusing on the goal of your communication (ending the friendship) and not the other person's faults.

"What makes us who we are in the end is not what hapens to us, but how we choose to live through it." (p 47)
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Dec 19, 2012 Victoria Wheeler rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book is an exploration of how women end, or to be more accurate, don't end their friendships. The initial point of the book is that women tend to simply trail off into avoidance when friendships are over, rather than having a real confrontation moment that solidly defines, and respects, the friendship's ending. What the author shows is that the "avoidance" types of endings ultimately result in more pain and confusion, than if the conflict had not been avoided.

The book is comprised of essent...more

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Mar 19, 2013 Caroline rated it 3 of 5 stars

A really interesting book about a subject almost never discussed -- how women who are best friends "break up" with each other, which most often means that they just stop talking to each other and don't directly address that something is wrong in the first place. It's a source of frustration and pain for many women, and I really like the fact that the author addresses this; her research in this book is also interesting, as she conducted many focus groups as her main evidence. My main complaint is...more

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May 31, 2011 Book Him Danno rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: books-sent-by-author-publisher-for, 2011

I am shocked what I learned in this book, I have been at both ends of a friendship. The one ending it and the one being ended with, I could see both sides and it made me really think about my friendships. Being ‘Dumped’ is tough and especially if it is someone you have known forever, but it happens and this book helps you understand that and how to cope with it.

Choosing to end a friendship is difficult and takes much thought, but once you make the decision you are already gone. You just now need...more

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May 25, 2011 Katie rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: simon-schuster-freepress, 100-books-2011

It was refreshing to read a book that focuses attention on female friendships. It is ingrained in our minds through movies and books that woman are supposed to have lifelong best friends. "Best Friends Forever" from childhood bracelets, secrets shared across sleeping bags, and trips to the pool and mall, to first boyfriends, college, and future families. There is such an extensive amount of time and emotion invested in friendships such as these, but like romantic relationships, they too can unde...more It was refreshing to read a book that focuses attention on female friendships. It is ingrained in our minds through movies and books that woman are supposed to have lifelong best friends. "Best Friends Forever" from childhood bracelets, secrets shared across sleeping bags, and trips to the pool and mall, to first boyfriends, college, and future families. There is such an extensive amount of time and emotion invested in friendships such as these, but like romantic relationships, they too can undergo strains, challenges, and ends. The conclusion of a friendship can be just as heartbreaking, or even more, than the end of a romance based on the lack of closure. Not all friendships are lifelong, nor are they perfect. The problem was, there was no discussion about how to properly cut ties with a friend. It feels awkward, stressful, annoying, depressing, angry, and like a failure, all depending on which side
you're on. When people say, "My boyfriend and I broke up," there is an understanding of how to feel for that person. Why shouldn't the loss of a friendship invoke the same response? Liz Pryor finally answered the call, got the ball rolling. By saying that this swirling of feelings and confusion is valid, she captures the female spirit through a compilation of stories- uncomfortable, beautiful, and heart-wrenching (Gram's story!).

I appreciate Liz's familiar writing style. While never claiming to be an expert, it makes her observations and suggestions feel real and from the heart. Her personal stories woven throughout gave the book a nice reference point and backbone.

Through her journey in story-collecting, it is clear that communication during the breakup is problematic. Where's the how-to guide when you need it? By using avoidance, a woman may think she won't be hurting her friend's feelings (as opposed to coming right out and stating the troubles). On the other hand, the 2nd friend often knows she is being avoided and is hurt that the first friend won't just talk to her. A reoccurring suggestion throughout the book was to write a letter. This was the only point that I have uncertainty about. While a letter may be perfect for some breakups, it isn't for everyone or every situation. I know that Liz never came out and said that this was the be-all and end-all fix, but I would have liked to see if anything else may have surfaced as being effective. On more than one occasion, I've poured my soul into a letter to a friend to attempt to reach closure, only to receive no response.

Personally, I still wonder, "What did I do wrong?" regarding my own friendship breakup in the fall/winter of 2009. I know a breakup would have happened eventually with her, but I continue to wonder about her- how she is now, how everything happened so quickly, how things could have happened differently. It's reassuring to know that other women have shared in these feelings of regret or vulnerability and that it's just as complicated for them as well.

Thank you Liz for warmly and honestly shining a light on the crack in the BFF mystique!(less)

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Jul 29, 2011 Heather B rated it 4 of 5 stars

I found this book fascinating. My eyes have been opened to the way women treat one another. Pryer describes how we treat breakups with boyfriends and girlfriends seriously, but when girlfriends break up with girlfriends, we sort of brush it off and don't talk about it. When women choose to break up with their friends they tend to ignore them and move on. This leaves the person being broken up with feeling confused and heartbroken not knowing what went wrong. How can they move on when yesterday t...more

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Mar 17, 2013 Carolyn rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was one of our Book Club reads a few years ago and prompted some entertaining discussion. Seems we all had a story to tell. If you were ever the recipient of a friendship that ended and left you wondering why, this book is for you. I am still horrified over some of the real-life narratives mentioned here about women who were jilted by their so-called friends. One woman was accidentally butt-dialed, and happened to overhear her two best friends talking about her in a negative way for 20 minu...more

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Jul 03, 2009 Shaya rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: before-goodreads, non-fiction

This is a really well done book with lots of stories as well as good analysis about women's friendships.

The premise is that in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships there is always an official break-up, but in women's friendships there is often not a clear explanation and one woman just stops responding to calls and communication leaving the other friend hurt and confused.

One of the messages from the book is that although women breaking up the friendship try to shield their friend from pain by av...more

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Feb 26, 2013 Jonna rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was very helpful in terms of giving voice to an experience I've had of being dumped by female friends. It also forced me to acknowledge that I have dumped friends -- both female and male. I thought the most valuable thing about this book was that it gave voice to an experience for which we don't really have conceptual categories in our culture. The notion is that friendships are supposed to last forever, and when they don't, there's no real language to talk about it, and no way to articulat...more

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Aug 27, 2008 Michelle rated it 5 of 5 stars

An interesting book about the ending of female friendships from many different perspectives. About why we are so hurt when a friendship ends whether by our own choice or someone elses, how we avoid the confrontations, try not to hurt other's feelings, allow BS to continue when we know better...on and on. Helped me to realize that a friendship that ended a while back was not a healthy friendship in the first place.....and most importantly made me think about the relationships I have with my frien...more

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May 10, 2008 Roxanne rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: every woman I know

Shelves: nonfiction, feminist

This is a nonfiction book about close female friends, and how their friendships sometimes end: one woman decides, for whatever reason, that a friendship is over, and gradually avoids her friend, hoping to spare her the pain of a confrontation. The friend being dumped perceives that something is wrong, but can't get her friend to talk to her, and the bad feelings and doubt and guilt gnaw at her, sometimes for years afterward. Women do this to each other all the time. Pryor is struck by how this d...more

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Sep 25, 2012 Ruth rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book sheds light on a topic that isn't talked about much, women walking away from their friendships with other women. I would recommend this book to any woman who has ever been "dumped" and didn't know why. It's interesting that we, as women, often take the easy way out, instead of sticking with a friendship that's messy, or time consuming, or just not convenient. I think that honesty in relationships, even though it might hurt, is better than just walking away and saying nothing.

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Aug 19, 2012 Traci Bowermaster rated it 4 of 5 stars

While a quick read and nothing overly scholarly, this book really hit home about the pain and loss of female friendships. I found myself openly weeping toward the end and some kernels of truth from it have stuck with me. When we let friendships go quietly away without acknowledging their importance, even if they aren't working for us anymore, we end up walking around with unresolved grief that can affect us in myriad ways.

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Sep 19, 2010 Betty rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Less social science than, hey did you ever break up with a friend? okay, then let's hear your story approach to a topic that does warrant some research. But then by the end I realize that people cut off ties with family members too and there isn't the same elaborate ritual of breaking up. So yes, friendship does have an important place in women's lives and maybe there is a better way to negotiate the end of a friendship.

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Mar 26, 2012 Cynthia McCrain marked it as to-read

I hope this book has some useful insight. This very thing happened to me almost 2 years ago. When someone very close to me began avoiding my calls and emails, I was devastated. What had I done?!! By the time I found out, months later, the damage was too great to repair and I lost someone dear to me. I hope this never happens to you!

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Jul 03, 2012 Juli rated it 4 of 5 stars

My thought as I read the first half of the book was "wow - I am so glad that I was never friends with anyone like the women in this book". As I moved through the second half, I began to relate to the friendship situations. Bottom line, this book can be useful tool to help women understand friendship dynamics for all stages of the relationship.

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Jun 05, 2011 Akilah rated it 3 of 5 stars

I really liked the beginning, thought the end dragged a bit. Probably because the beginning was all about relating my own experiences getting dumped and by the end, it was just a lot of other people's stories confirming what was already said in the beginning.

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May 24, 2011 Haley Keller rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I thought this book was very relatable. Everyone has lost a friend at sometime or other and knows how it feels. This book really talks about interesting aspects of ending a friendship, and it has many stories.

Read the rest: http://hmweasley-blog.blogspot.com/20...

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Jan 03, 2008 Venessa rated it 4 of 5 stars

Every woman I know has at least one friendship that has dissolved, without either woman confronting the other about why. In fact, I am in the process of letting one of mine dissolve as I write this: I have tried for so many years to make it work and it just. Isn't. Going. To. Anyways, I have many more that have dissolved, some I don't believe with any bad feelings, they just....went away. And this book was a comfort in that it made me realize that it is a phenomenom among women, and that, in tur...more

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May 23, 2012 Jennifer rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: every-woman-should-read

Explores the friendship break-up, which can be worse than getting dumped by a boyfriend/husband, and how women can be such bitches. If you've ever been dumped by someone you mistakenly believed to be your "BFF," you should read this book.

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Jun 05, 2010 Crystal rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is a great book! It was comforting (and disturbing) to learn how common this is. It made me wonder why we're not more honest with our friends--when it's a true friend, why can't we just say, "this is annoying me." Why do we feel the need to end a close friendship when we're going through difficult times? Why is it all or nothing? How real are our friendships after all, if we can't be totally honest with each other about each other.

It's a sad comment on our collective character that we so e...more

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Oct 15, 2008 Michelle rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great book.

"The companions of our childhood always possess a certain power over our minds which hardly any later friend can obtain."
-Buddha

"The day I decided would not be around her anymore, she became a memory waiting to be forgotten."

"For some, admitting to a broken friendship has become like admitting to a failed marriage. Over the last two decades, a myth of lifelong friendship has emerged, even as the ideal of a lifelong marriage has, sadly, become an unrealistic reality for many people."
-...more

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Sep 02, 2010 Debbie rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: women

Recommended to Debbie by: saw it on shelf in libraryand name was enough to hook me

Shelves: self-help

This is an intense book which definitely hits a nerve with me. I would like to use it to start lots of conversations and hope it wont alienate friends and cause them to drop me.

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Jan 20, 2013 Adrienne rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is a frank discussion about how friendships die, why we sometimes let them and how to heal. Written conversationally, easy to read.

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Aug 16, 2009 Tara rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: All women

Shelves: fromthelibrary, nonfiction

Fascinating. It's the truly unspoken epidemic about friendship loss. Everyone could learn something by reading it, when you've been the friend to walk away or the one left behind. Seems like pretty much everyone has experienced both sides. Very enlightening though prompts as many questions as it answers.

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Dec 18, 2012 Lindsay Prestemon rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great book. She interviews and listens to women on how all kind of friendships between women end, sometimes without explanation.

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