What French Women Know About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind

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What French Women Know About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind

3.46 of 5 stars 3.46 · rating details · 488 ratings · 101 reviews

A primer on the ineffable, je ne sais quoi appeal of the French woman.

I t?s not the shoes, the scarves, or the lipstick that gives French women their allure. It?s this: French women don?t give a damn. They don?t expect men to understand them. They don?t care about being liked or being like everyone else. They generally reject notions of packaged beauty. They accept the pa...more

Hardcover, 244 pages

Published September 25th 2009 by Piatkus Books (first published July 23rd 2009)

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Jun 26, 2010 Tam Herra rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: for-your-knowledge

I found myself in the "sex" isle while at the library a week or two ago. There was lots of giggling and then I proceeded to walk out with a dozen books. Very mature.

I read reviews for a lot of the books and I remember reading a lot of negative ones about this book. Women were UP IN ARMS about the (not so favourable) comparisons between American's and the French. I can see what they were getting at now. It's the TONE in which Debra Ollivier explains the different outlooks between residence of th...more

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Mar 25, 2013 ~Geektastic~ rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: francophilia, reviewed, sociology, 2012

I am always wary when an author presents a “typical” person of any kind. In this case, it’s the “typical” French woman, and as we all know, this person probably doesn’t exist outside of popular opinion. At the same time, there is nearly always a grain of truth in a stereotype, and in this case the generalizations have more to do with cultural conditioning than any solid, definable “type” of person. Also, this being a self help book for all intents and purposes, the generalizations are necessary...more I am always wary when an author presents a “typical” person of any kind. In this case, it’s the “typical” French woman, and as we all know, this person probably doesn’t exist outside of popular opinion. At the same time, there is nearly always a grain of truth in a stereotype, and in this case the generalizations have more to do with cultural conditioning than any solid, definable “type” of person. Also, this being a self help book for all intents and purposes, the generalizations are necessary to present a philosophy that is applicable to life, namely American life. Because this is a book built on generalizations and broad strokes, be aware that the statements I will make in regards to this book and the French way of life will most likely be equally non-specific. They may be inaccurate or only half-true, but I think they can be helpful for all that.

I became fascinated by the French in high school. Like many sensitive, bookish and –let’s face it, pretentious- teenagers, I thought there was something truly amazing about a culture that didn’t seem obsessed with being likable or ambitious. A culture that could produce the likes of Rabelais, Moliere, Sartre and especially de Beauvoir, not to mention some of the most glamorous and tragic American expats, felt so inviting and almost magical when surrounded by a world of grin-and-bear-it perpetual optimism and soul-crushing popularity contests. Americans are not generally encouraged to sit and contemplate existence, much less come to the conclusion that life might, in fact, be rather pointless; we’re supposed to grab life by the balls and force it to meet our expectations. If things aren’t turning out the way they “should,” we must not be trying hard enough. This perspective has never sat well with me. In the broadest terms, Americans love control and we want everything to be black and white. We want to have everything defined and categorized, not to mention sterilized. Not so the French, or so Debra Ollivier says.

Ollivier is an American married to a Frenchman, so she does have the advantage of being both on the inside and the outside of her material. She has spent years living in Paris and the States, comparing and contrasting the way of life in both places and internalizing the elements that have allowed her to make a life on foreign soil. What French Women Know is a guide to incorporating certain French ways of thinking into your life, in hopes of capturing some of that joie de vivre of which they seem to have such an abundant supply. Thankfully, Ollivier doesn’t treat her material like a guidebook; there are no lists, no 12-step formulas or life-affirming mantras. That would be terribly un-French. Rather, she has taken observations and anecdotes and filtered them in such a way as to contrast the “best” elements of Gallic life with its Anglo counterparts and see how they measure up to each other. And, for the most part, I’d say she’s pretty fair; neither culture comes out on top as “the winner,” but I have to say that much of the French philosophy, with some definite exceptions, is more appealing.

For example, Ollivier asserts that the French are all about the “middle ground,” whereas America is the land of highs and lows. Where an American might put all their hopes for the future and all their energy into a romantic relationship, the French are much more cool-headed and ambiguous about romance. Your spouse (or your children, for that matter) are not the end all and be all of happiness; they’re important, but a French woman will focus on balance where an American woman will buy into the mythological Happily Ever After. It should be pretty obvious that the great H.E.A has wreaked considerable havoc in the American psyche. We build industries on it and rely on it as an important component of not just our emotional economy, but our monetary one as well. A phenomenon that is, when you come to think of it, a little sickening. France has a wedding-honeymoon-baby economy of its own, of course, but it’s nothing to our behemoth Bridezilla empire.

The middle ground vs. black-and-white argument covers a lot of ground. Our American concept of beauty, for instance, is a bizarre world of contradiction. We have a cookie-cutter ideal that suffers little variation and results in some very unhealthy behaviors (not to mention mental health issues), but at the same time we have a plus-size industry that is unheard of in France. The French, bless them, have the wonderful and not-exactly-clear philosophy of jolie laide, which translates hideously to “ugly pretty.” The French are famous for having an abundance of beautiful women, but if you look very closely, very few of them fit the criteria we so rigorously enforce in America. They embrace “flaws” as character; a large nose, a flat chest, too short, too tall, these things are accepted and flaunted rather than concealed or “fixed.” Again, this isn’t absolute and there are plenty of ugly people in France I’m sure, but a big dose of confidence and sex appeal really goes a long way to trick us into ignoring this little inconvenient fact.

Ah, speaking of sex appeal, that’s the real heart of all of this. The middle ground approach doesn’t allow for the bizarre extremes of American attitudes to sex, which vacillate alarmingly between voyeurism and denial. Thanks to our Puritan ancestors for that one. The French accept sex, as well as many other perfectly natural things, as just another part of life, and a valuable one at that. Americans indulge in pleasure, no doubt about that, but the flip side is nearly always guilt and half-hearted justifications. The French find this ridiculous and almost incomprehensible. The French aren’t the only ones; America is one of the few nations outside of Islamic countries that regularly censors biology books intended for children and has made it an unofficial rule that all toys must be gender neutral below the belt.

I know this is starting to sound like a lot of America-bashing, but it’s really not. I love my country, even if sometimes only because it’s mine. Ollivier admits that there are aspects of the American way that work just fine; we are generally friendly and civic-minded, and when we want something we will work hard to get it. And the French have their flaws too, with their don't-give-a-damn attitude towards strangers and a notoriously vague way of making judgments. But Ollivier’s suggestion throughout this book is to temper our cultural extremism with a little moderation, and to enjoy life for what it is rather than for what it merely has the potential to be. Don’t worry so much about smudged make-up or if your romantic encounters don’t suit the one-size-fits all labels we so like to apply to them or if your kitchen doesn’t look like Martha Stewart’s. Life should be enjoyed because it really is short and I doubt many people will be on their death beds wishing they had put in just a few more hours a week in the office. This is a philosophy I would love to embrace, and I don’t think I’m alone in this. Now, France has the advantage of not actually needing to cultivate any of this, it’s embedded in the deepest heart of their culture and comes naturally. I will have to work on it, but it’s nice to have a guide to remind me that there are parts of the world where not getting a promotion is not a heart breaking scenario or that there are couples in the world that don’t give up their adulthood when children arrive, and about a million other little things that would make life feel more balanced and less like a color-coded to-do list.

I’ve gone on and on about the ideas of the book, probably more than is remotely necessary, but I would also like to mention that Ollivier is a very engaging writer. Her style is witty and conversational without that feeling of someone trying too hard to be charming. It’s very natural and enjoyable. It’s very French.
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Jul 03, 2010 Adrienne rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: for-your-pleasure

I'm not going to get embroiled in all the hoo~ha about this book. What I am going to do is quote an excerpt from an interview with Vanessa Paradis aka 'Mrs' Johnny Depp, who, when asked the question "'You've been with Johnny for more than a decade. What are the secrets of a long~lasting relationship"? replied "Love, respect...and patience" which in a nut shell corroborates one of the messages contained in this book, your husband is your best friend? really? this is not the way french women work....more

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Feb 13, 2013 Stella Vance rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: omg-don-t-bother

Paris-obsessed middle-aged American women will find much to reassure them of the rightness of their Francophilia in "What French Women Know..." A more critical reader interested in a serious cultural compare and contrast will see past the *très* gag-worthy "merci beaucoup"s and obnoxiously frequent "excusez moi"s and know the book for what it is - a masturbatory fantasy for people who love and glorify the idea of France and of being French because some unnameable sophistication must be imbued up...more

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Aug 03, 2012 Amélie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: essay

As I am French, I was at first surprised and then deeply intrigued when I first saw this book. Of course, I know that French and American are extremely different but I didn’t know that books have been written about it. When I open it, it wasn’t without misgiving as such a book must surely contain a lot of generalisations and clichés and as anyone who read this book must know by now, French people don’t fit in moulds. In fact, we even deeply resent such an assumption. However, as I was quite curi...more As I am French, I was at first surprised and then deeply intrigued when I first saw this book. Of course, I know that French and American are extremely different but I didn’t know that books have been written about it. When I open it, it wasn’t without misgiving as such a book must surely contain a lot of generalisations and clichés and as anyone who read this book must know by now, French people don’t fit in moulds. In fact, we even deeply resent such an assumption. However, as I was quite curious about American culture, I decide to give it a try in order to see what exactly were those great differences.

As we have many American films and books in France, I already have a good vision of American culture but only a superficial one; I didn’t know the rules behind the behaviour. For example, I didn’t even know about the “dating rules” or that such things even existed! Such a ridiculous things to do and quite incomprehensible for us. Of course as I am shy, I tend to be a bit insecure and rules can therefore be a bit reassuring, nonetheless I would deeply resent them as being a threat to my freedom. In the same way, it is true that French women don’t want to be like each other or liked by everyone. We always want to be different and thus draw attention to ourselves and our originality.

One thing I don’t agree with is the author take on adultery. It’s true that it is very present in our history, literature, films and culture and that in certain milieu open relation are accepted, however I don’t see it at all as a generality. It is not something me or any of the women I know would accept with any complaisance. In fact it is a great insult directed toward the woman who is cheat upon. Of course some reconciliations can be made and excuse accepted but only on the tacit acceptance that such a thing will never happen again. Otherwise, there is divorce. The main difference with America may be that we would not drag religious problems in it. The bad person is not the women having a liaison with a married man (after all if she loves him, she can’t help responding to his advances) but the man himself.

It’s true that marriage itself is not such a dream to everyone and that many couple are happy living together without getting married. In fact, such a period is recommended even before marriage in order to test your couple before committing yourself.

As for what is said about flirtation and “dates” I think it is quiet accurate. In fact, I see people who want to know everything about me, even potential boyfriend as a threat. I don’t like anyone to invade my personal space and if they do, I can only focus on throwing them out.

In the same way it’s true that we focus a lot on our leisure and on “having a life”.

Another thing which I want to underline, armpit hair are definitely NOT ok in France. Again, it depends on persons and education but most of us definitely find it disgusting und filthy. In the same way, about housekeeping, even if we are not as extreme as the American as presenting in the book (far from it), we still think it’s important. Our house must be clean and look ok when we receive people. It’s ok to have children toys, books or magazines lying around but not dust, that’s unhealthy.

On the whole, this book makes me put clearly what I already understand unconsciously about my own culture and think a bit about the American one. Even if there is a lot of generalisation (and I was struck by the fact that a great deal of the examples mentioned in the book are mostly found in one kind of social milieu, as are the author’s French friends and the French writers she quotes), I found it mainly accurate and enjoy it a lot. I would recommend it to people interested in reading about culture differences.
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Jul 10, 2012 Charlotte rated it 4 of 5 stars

In What French Women Know, Debra Ollivier proves that the best way to understand your own culture is to leave it behind for another. Suddenly, every feature of our familiar landscape, everything we take for granted and possibly even cherish, becomes part of a cultural minefield.

The portrait she paints of Americans is rather unflattering (which probably accounts for why the book has been controversial here in the US)but not unkind. By contrast to the French, for whom sex is natural and normal and...more In What French Women Know, Debra Ollivier proves that the best way to understand your own culture is to leave it behind for another. Suddenly, every feature of our familiar landscape, everything we take for granted and possibly even cherish, becomes part of a cultural minefield.

The portrait she paints of Americans is rather unflattering (which probably accounts for why the book has been controversial here in the US)but not unkind. By contrast to the French, for whom sex is natural and normal and unfettered by political correctness, we Americans are puritanical and sex-obsessed (in the way that children are, because it's forbidden).

One of my personal French faves is that the American obsession with having a clean house is considered ridiculous. Kitchens are supposed to smell like farts (camembert ripening on the counter) and, furthermore, we are slapped with Simone de Beauvoir, who is quintessentially French and makes a lot of sense--"Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition: the clean becomes soiled, the soiled is made clean, over and over, day after day." As someone else said, "A clean house is the sign of a boring person."

The contrasts are fascinating, and often surprising. For example, French people living in America are baffled by our dating protocol. Here it's like an interview, resumes are exchanged, comparisons are made, etc. In France, apparently, two people like each other, there is an initial attraction, and they go out for coffee and talk--no interviews, they just hang out together. If they like each other, they see each other again. If they don't, they don't. Very
organic.

(Also, the French ideal mate is not a Best Friend. Otherness and mystery is to be respected; it's sexy.)

The chapter about French feminism is bound to astonish Americans as it puts the accent on feminine and harbors no ambivalence towards men.

Ollivier has done her research, loads of interviews and loads of quotations from famous French philosophers and writers, and she shares wonderfully telling examples from her own life as an expat in Paris.

Ollivier's writing style can be a bit cumbersome, like she's had too much coffee and wants urgently to hold your attention by showing how witty she can be. Indulge her, and she delivers.(less)

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Jul 24, 2009 Sara rated it 4 of 5 stars

If American author, Debra Olliver, sat down at my kitchen table and mentioned that she had lived in France for ten years with her French husband, and I in my exuberance asked her to tell me all about French women over coffee, What French Women Know would be a transcript of the resulting conversation. In a lengthy conversational essay, Olliver expounds on every personal anecdote, pop culture reference, and quote she can muster relating to the French woman—a woman who boasts an internationally acc...more

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Feb 25, 2011 Jane rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: audio-books, 2011-books-read, good-for-discussion

I really enjoyed this book. I'd rather give it a 3.5 stars since I preferred the author/narrator when she spoke in the French accent. She seemed to rush the English portions a bit. I think she was nervous.

There is a lot of food for thought in this tiny tome. I felt like I was getting an opportunity to look into a Frenchman's mind which is very insightful since I live with one. It explains a lot: the nonchalance, the aloofness, the unfriendliness ... I could go on but then you'll wonder why I lo...more

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Oct 26, 2010 Autumn rated it 1 of 5 stars

One and a half stars -- one for the subject matter; half for the text. "What French Women Know" struck me as purporting to be a bit more intellectual than the author's previous book, "Entre Nous: A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner French Girl," in assessing the products of America's feel-good culture and a society in which people are taught to embrace their imperfections, themselves and their opinions. Ollivier tries to have fun discussing why French society fosters independent, stylish spirit...more

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Sep 20, 2011 Ariella Baston rated it 3 of 5 stars

This is a mostly fun look at cultural differences from an anecdotal perspective, but which is heavily spiced with quotes from french women and research. Occasionally the tone becomes more serious when the author explores opportunities for north americans to relax, control the world and detail relationships less, fear anatomy less, worship material goods less, and to love themselves more.

The author's style is fresh, but cliché at times. She italicized french expressions that americans like to rep...more

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Apr 13, 2011 Robyn Blaber rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: american-literature, non-fiction

I was a little disappointed when I started reading this when I discovered that it was just another view by an American embedded in Paris. My disappointment faded, however as the author turned against the social mores of American life with a persistent ferocity. She does not go so far as to say that the French way of life is perfect, or even 'near' perfect, but she does say that many aspects of French life are superior to the American Way.

I found myself agreeing with every frankly laid out point....more

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Aug 02, 2009 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone interested in French culture

Shelves: all-things-france

I read Debra Ollivier's previous book, "Entre Nous," and enjoyed it thoroughly. I jumped at the opportunity to review "What French Women Know," as I was certain that the well-known expatriate columniste for "Le Monde" would share more of her interesting insights to French culture.

Ollivier did not disappoint. She writes about friendships, dating (a concept the French do not really have), cooking and shopping -- and how French women look at all of these things differently from American women.

Olliv...more

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Dec 07, 2012 Tonya Chrystian rated it 3 of 5 stars

An anecdotal look at French women and their dating lives, written by an American Francophile. I find Ollivier's observations to be occasionally insightful and humorous, but this book lacks an intelligent analysis of la vie sociale and resulting feminin norms in France. "What French Women know" is more of a reiteration of the cliché views that American women hold of their French counterparts. I find Ollivier focused unilaterally on one kind of French woman: the middle to upper class heterosexual...more

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Sep 30, 2011 Vicki rated it 2 of 5 stars

Recommended to Vicki by: Katie

Shelves: library-books, non-fiction, stopped-in-the-middle

I'm not going to put this on my total crap shelf because she had a few points. Like, if Americans were less focused on the idea that a relationship is only a success (or worthwhile) if it ends in marriage, they'd be happier in general and not strangle the life out of different kinds of romance. Also, a little discretion would not go amiss in our reality TV culture.

BUT. Okay, this is not a scholarly work. Got it. But it should still make sense, and her arguments should be logical and internally c...more

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Nov 09, 2010 Lindsay rated it 3 of 5 stars

The book is exactly what it claims to be: a quick, fun examination of cultural differences in Lady Stuff (romance, bodies, relationships, diet) between French and American women. Besides her own experiences, the author includes quips from friends, popular culture, and philosophers to highlight the attitudes and stereotypes surrounding women in the two cultures. She keeps it light, highlighting that examining others allows us to see our own quirks, while lambasting The Rules mentality that Americ...more

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Feb 24, 2013 Lillian rated it 4 of 5 stars

"What French Women Know..." can be summed up with the most oft repeated phrase in the book, which is that French women are aware of "the brevity of life and the immediacy of pleasure." The author is an American who moved to France and married a French man and became a Francofile. She wrote this book exploring the differences between French and American women, focusing on love, sex, and food. All these three areas of life have an element of hunger to them. I would say after reading this book Amer...more

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Mar 31, 2010 M rated it 5 of 5 stars

It's always good to see how much greener(or not)it is on the other side or ANY side to be honest.As an American girl,I've always kind of looked to the French in admiration or my bogus second-hand emulation.I think it's a book that a lot of American females should read.It goes into detail about and gives you the background on all the lovely French stereotypes.After reading this book,I became even more of Francophile than I already was:)This book is for people who are interested in being a bit mor...more

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Jul 25, 2011 Elisa Winter rated it 4 of 5 stars

You know, it's just so strange to casually pick up what you think is going to be a quick light read that won't make any dents in your head, and find that some author just nails you when you least expected it. This woman explained some important things about living the good life, that has nothing to do with how we're taught to live the good life as AMERICANS. Really nothing. French women, it seems, are brought up in an adult culture, a confident culture, a culture that applauds the breaking of ru...more

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Apr 02, 2013 Kallie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Entertaining, and it is fun to find some of the sadder American ideals questioned (perfection in SO many areas no woman can control, even if they are American). However, this book oversimplifies both American and French women, and when Ollivier says that a French woman must be intelligent to hold her man's attention but says nothing about a man needing that same quality, she loses me; it seems they aren't so different about wanting to please a man of any caliber, after all. I think Ollivier need...more

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Feb 14, 2011 Jen rated it 3 of 5 stars

This read like an essay - a lot of quotes by others which means a lot of text devoted to who it was and what they wrote. I will be reading one of the books referenced in the book - Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't be Wrong.

I wanted to read this book after reading about it in Parents Magazine. I thought there would have been more about the differences in parenting etc...but in the whole book, all I found were the same two references that I read about in the magazine article.

Now I just wish the gra...more

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Mar 02, 2011 Benedict rated it 4 of 5 stars

There are many explanations of what French women know.

But I adore their fundamental attitude: they love Men a lot a lot. And not surprisingly, the compliment is repaid by French men: they love Women a lot a lot. So the foundation is always there to build upon.

French women know men need a lot of tolerance and looking after. This view offers a certain relief in the "battle of the sexes" as it is played out in the States.

This book gets to the core of the famous French diet and way of eating, and h...more

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Feb 12, 2013 Kimberly rated it 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book. I think of the phrase, "you're too close to it to really see" when I read this and think about how I live my live. All the anxieties about love and relationships, the body and self confidence that we have as American women, (generally speaking) and then there are are women who live else where with out it? This is possible??? Who knew! lol. This painted an entirely different perspective for me and I couldn't stop reading. (Well, listening, it was a book on tape lol! I'm a cheat...more

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Nov 28, 2012 Patrick rated it 3 of 5 stars

I read this because I've always wanted to understand the stigma surrounding the french. I learned a lot about a new culture and was able to apply many french "traits" to the theologies behind them. The french perspective is very different than the American's and it was cool to learn about.

Example: In France its rude to ask people about themselves. It's too personal. If you visited somebody in France and wanted to make them get angry or feel uncomfortable ask them questions like "So where are you...more

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Dec 29, 2011 Melanie rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

As I spent the latter part of the year internet dating I thought that some self help may be in order to improve my love life. So I delved into this book with an open mind. The book is not so much about what French women know but it is more of a comparative view of French culture as compared to the Puritanical American views of the author. I found some of the book to be insightful in ways that our Puritan values have shaped how we as a culture view love, sex, and even friendships with the opposit...more

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Dec 08, 2009 Hfilipcic rated it 4 of 5 stars

interesting to note that in America there is only one beauty the blond bimbo whereas in France beauty can take many different sides and intelligence is valued for a woman. The author points out that in America it is all about youth and fitting that narrow ideal whereas in France it is about adulthood and women regardless of age are/ feel sexy. They don't obsess about being the perfect woman and go to extremes about obsessing about their husband and children, being the perfect wife and mother and...more

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Oct 17, 2009 Meredith rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is kind of a follow up to her Entre Nous, Finding your inner French Girl which I very much enjoyed when it came out six years ago or so. But I think this book is better. The writing is more sophisticated, and I found she really captures the mindset of the French, and shows the Americans the differences. One of my favorite ideas is the notion that a little imperfection is sexier - lets stop worrying about how many abs we can do, or whether the refridgerator needs to be wiped down. Let someth...more

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Apr 01, 2012 revetta rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

A very easy and somewhat disappointing read. It seems like the author merely scratched the surface of the life lessons we Americans could learn from the French. I appreciate that Ms. Ollivier did not simply extoll the virtues of the French; she competently explained some key differences in the way our two cultures approach life and love. I only wish she had gone deeper in her exploration. The book read like a O Magazine article on how to be more European so you can 'live your best life.' Left me...more

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May 09, 2012 Rachel rated it 2 of 5 stars

Continuing my survey of this mini-genre. I find it amusing and fascinating that there's been such a surge in !Emulate the French! books (all aimed at women, of course), and I'm sure I'll end up reading several more.

As its own book (as opposed to an example of the mini-genre), this was okay. The writing is entertaining and snappy (but mostly stops short of that annoying Girly/Girlfriendy tone that infests the female-centric self-help book world), and she really does make some good points. Her bro...more

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Jun 28, 2011 Jools added it

So, let me preface this by saying that I do not find all Americans irritating. I honestly don’t, I have friends who are American and I find them warm, charming and intelligent. However, I have found this book and its author vastly irritating. The main thing that really got up my nose was Ollivier’s tendency to refer to English and Commonwealth (her term, not mine) readers as “Anglo”, as in Anglo-Saxon. She just lumps us all in together as one, which I found really crass. She’s basically making t...more So, let me preface this by saying that I do not find all Americans irritating. I honestly don’t, I have friends who are American and I find them warm, charming and intelligent. However, I have found this book and its author vastly irritating. The main thing that really got up my nose was Ollivier’s tendency to refer to English and Commonwealth (her term, not mine) readers as “Anglo”, as in Anglo-Saxon. She just lumps us all in together as one, which I found really crass. She’s basically making the assumption that anyone who grows up in a country where English is the first language (so Australia, Canada, New Zealand etc) grows up with the same kind of attitude and approach to men and relationships as Americans do. The two words are interchangeable in the text, there’s even a preface to say ‘Mea Culpa’ if it offends you! I’m not someone who naturally makes assumptions, so to me making sweeping assumptions about other cultures seems like a strange thing to do. Below is an extract that really had me hacked off, due to that assumption:

I grew up in a culture where “sharing” was practically a civic duty. Thus, my own fiendish traits of character, nurtured as they were in the Let’s Share post-Est hangover, were irrepressible during the early stages of my relationship with my spouse. For example, Mr Spouse came from a Burgundian village where proximity to your neighbors was so intense, you had to guard your personal secrets with a vengeance, lest everyone know everything about you. Precisely because I was raised a million cultural light-years away from this village - and because I couldn’t get beyond my deep American hankering for full disclosure and the desire to know, well, everything - I was once fiercely interested in knowing the sexy little secrets of my my spouse’s past love life. Who was his first lover? Was she the daughter of the butcher? The baker? A farm girl or a winsome little tart? Did they do it in a cheese mill? An abandoned fort? How did anyone learn about sex or anything, anyhow, this far from urban civilization? I felt like Margaret Mead in Borneo, trying to study the mating habits of an indigenous to get a glimpse of how other people - people who were undoubtably closer to their instincts and their sexy animal nature than we urbanites - might live and love.

Unfortunately, my husband was unwilling to appease me with answers. To this day I still have no idea about what his youthful sex life might have been like; I only know that he had a happy, robust French one, and that is all. The last time I pressed him on the on the matter, he simply shook his head and said, “Why do you need to know? French women don’t need so much information.”

I personally wouldn’t ask those questions, because although I’m English not French, I too don’t need to know that much information. The furtherest I’ve ever gone is “Have you ever had unprotected sex?”, which is more good sense than anything else. I don’t need to be bombarded with specifics, I’d sooner just get to know the person in my bed, not hear about the people they’ve had in their own. Olliver seems to think that all we “Anglos” (even typing that has hacked me off) live in a perpetual state of disclosure. I can’t think that all Americans live that way, but I could be wrong. Either way she clearly hasn’t met that many English people. In my general experience, we don’t need to own every little piece of our partner. That might be why I find many Hollywood romantic comedies so false. The book was also very repetitive, Ollivier makes the same point over and over again using different examples, which I found unnecessary.

On a more positive note, Olliver is advocating that we all relax and trust our instincts more, do things with a more French approach. That much I agree with, not making so many rules about the way we go about relationships and leaving the baggage of one relationship behind before we enter into new one. The way in which she chooses to make her point however, is deeply irritating simply because of the cultural assumptions she makes.

I gave it one star simply because I couldn't work out how to give it no stars(less)

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Oct 03, 2010 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: holla-for-the-ladies, nonfiction, opinion

Earlier this week, as I headed to my job, a man in my building asked me out after a few minutes of conversation. I thought this rather abrupt, as in this short conversation, it was clearly established that we had absolutely nothing in common, especially when his main point of conversation was saying in multiple ways, "You're one of those artsy chicks, right?" and also made sure to mention how much his car cost (that he had just wrecked the week before). Regrettably, I gave him my number, because...more Earlier this week, as I headed to my job, a man in my building asked me out after a few minutes of conversation. I thought this rather abrupt, as in this short conversation, it was clearly established that we had absolutely nothing in common, especially when his main point of conversation was saying in multiple ways, "You're one of those artsy chicks, right?" and also made sure to mention how much his car cost (that he had just wrecked the week before). Regrettably, I gave him my number, because I was raised to be a nice girl who should be incredibly open and "date around," because that is the only way to find a man - putting an egg in a series of baskets. Baskets with BMWs.

When I later told him I had a boyfriend (lie, as my regret increased as the subsequent days went by), he backtracked and told me he had a girlfriend, and he just wanted to hang out, and sarcastically commented, "Uh, right. Thanks for telling me you have a boyfriend, though," beginning a web of awkwardness that forces me to run up to my apartment at top speed in order to avoid running into him again.

I happened to be reading this book throughout all these happenings, and now feel truly lucky that I can, in fact, call this common behavior between sexes in the U.S. utterly bizarre, twisted, and immature. I include my own role in it as such. Granted, I understand that "Not everyone!" is like this, and there are plenty of mature, adult relationships, but exactly how they get to that point can use a little refining.

However, the thought struck me that, despite many women reading this and being ready to throw up their hands and embrace the French "dating" culture (the wonderful, mature, and adult version of our own), most of the men in this country most likely would not follow through. The cycle continues.

Overall, I adored the ideas in the book, and also respected the author for explaining throughly why these attitudes are possible in France. It wasn't just, "Do it this way," but rather, "This is how it is there, but they are also allowed through hundreds of years of historical influence, to be this way." Unlike some readers, I didn't feel it was necessarily saying it was "better" than our own culture, as the author was sure to disclaim the differing situations for French women that give them the ability to conduct the whole relationship scene in this way.

Extra bonus points for saying the REAL reason "French women don't get fat" - because they're ridiculously strict about eating, as opposed to the opposing laissez-faire attitude we've been taught to believe, and do not possess the "live and let live" code we attempt to have in the States. The author claims they're downright rude about weight gain - what better motivation than cruelty, really? (Eye roll.) Again, take what you want and leave the rest, but I appreciated her honesty, as the last thing we need in this country is being told that if we "just slow down and enjoy our food the French way!" we'll suddenly be a size 2. As I said, that was sort of how I took the book: it definitely embraced aspects of French culture, but was sure to point out in different parts why it wouldn't work in America and, well, do we really WANT certain things this way?

Finally, if there was one thing that would make me move to France, it was the chapter regarding how they raise children. In the US, the author claims, adults deign to children and make the world acceptable for them; in France, children are expected to conform to an adult world. And as someone who had already abandoned her regular bar because every time I went in, a regular's two-year-old was wandering around, I say, "Here, here!" Wine is magical, but it does not make me want to do the mandatory, "She is sooooo cute!" comment to affirm her darling little existence to her insecure parental units wishing for their former party lives back. Or, as the author's French friend commented when she saw her living room (with light sockets covered, toys strewn everywhere, padding on table corners, and latches on drawers): "Your living room looks like a psych ward."

Thank you, France. I won't eat like you, but I *will* send my preschooler on an overseas trip with his/her classmates.

(less)

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About Debra Ollivier

Ollivier lived in France for over ten years, had her two children there, and became a dual citizen. She currently divides her time between Paris and Los Angeles, where she lives with her family, and is at work on a historical novel.

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Entre Nous: A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner French Girl

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“For one of the first pressures that bear down on American girls is the pressure not only to be liked but to be like everyone else. This initial feat of self-transformation often involves loosening one's grip on that quiet sense of inner self and hitching one's wagon to a single standard of beauty. The stress of leaping through that hoop insinuates itself into the young heart and soul with a vengeance, and insecurities go from being hard little buds of confusion to overripe, snarled and tyrannical fruits that hang on the vine as we age.” — 7 people liked it

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