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The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

3.82  ·  Rating Details  ·  551 Ratings  ·  70 Reviews
It's the deadliest combination going; bullies who terrorize, bullied kids who are afraid to tell, bystanders who watch, and adults who see the incidents as a normal part of childhood. All it takes to understand that this is a recipe for tragedy is a glance at headlines across the country.

In this updated edition of The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, which includes
Paperback, 218 pages
Published February 2nd 2004 by ReganBooks (first published January 1st 2002)
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Community Reviews

(showing 1-30 of 1,411)
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Maddie ♥  ┼
Aug 04, 2016 Maddie ♥ ┼ rated it it was amazing
Shelves: just-sad
To People WITH KIDS or who know KIDS



Oct 24, 2011 Alex rated it it was amazing
Shelves: college
This book was given to me by a dear friend and old high school teacher. I very much appreciated the books goal. It has always been interesting to me why some people choose or do not know how to try and stop bullying. Maybe they are afraid of being called a "snitch". Who even invented that useless word. Snitch is simply someone who cares about someone or something and does something to better the situation of it. I think they should replace the word "snitch" with Hero. I remember being a bystande ...more
Jan 17, 2013 Lisa rated it liked it
Shelves: nonfiction
Please note that, because I am new to learning about the topic of bullying, my review of this book is influenced by my lack of familiarity with the topic. First of all, I think there are many helpful things in Barabara Coloroso's book on bullying:

- Coloroso's main premise is that bullying involves more than a bully and a target; instead, bullying involves the entire community: bully and target, but also bystanders, teachers, and parents, and any real solution must involve all of these actors.

Sep 04, 2007 MacK rated it it was ok
Bryan's cynicism not with standing, I think this book is helpful in identifying what teachers and parents should look for in bullying incidents.

Awareness is a nice first step, and advocating an elimination of negative behavior is okay, but I wish there had been more practical approaches to the problem, and a fewer bullet pointed lists.

Helpful but not riveting.
Apr 24, 2013 Rose rated it it was amazing
This is the best book I've ever read on this topic.

I don't normally read an adult nonfiction book all in one sitting, but I picked this one up off the new shelf at the library and found myself doing just that. Things I love about this book:

1. It addresses the problem instead of throwing blame around at teachers or parents. Yes, it talks about prevention. But it's a very problem-solving sort of approach as opposed to the books that imply "if only you were righteous enough, your children would be
May 30, 2011 Valerie rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: Elizabeth
One of the most powerful suggestions was about teaching kids not to be bystanders. It reminded me of Stetson Kennedy and his frown campaign. When someone says something bigoted you simply frown...I was also horrified by some of the inaction on the parts of schools and wondering how many boy/girl bullying cases involved athletes, and how many of those that involve athletes are handled differently than those involving non-athletes. Elizabeth probably knows, or maybe her class could research this f ...more
Andrew Frueh
May 28, 2016 Andrew Frueh rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: psychology
An important and thought-provoking book about a subject that doesn't get nearly enough attention. It can actually be a pretty emotional read at times because it forces you to recall some undesirable memories about instances in which you've personally been either the bully, the bullied, or the bystander. Typically the kind of memories we'd all rather keep buried. And yet it needs to be done, because the same behavior the leads people to turn a blind eye to schoolyard bullying allows them to let i ...more
Jan 01, 2015 reea rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Létező a jelenség, és ezért én minden szülőnek és pedagógusnak kötelező irodalommá tenném Barbara Coloroso könyvét. Még az is lehet, hogy tanulnának valamit belőle saját magukról (is)...
Still looking for that PERFECT book on bullying that will help me crack the code...but this one is really close. Coloroso sets up the dynamics as a play, with each--the bully, the bullied, and the bystander--as players. It starts, she says, not from anger, but contempt.

She then discusses each role in detail, showing us the varieties. Her scenarios are heartbreaking. Her information about Columbine is wrong, but her book was written before Dave Cullen's excellent COLUMBINE.

She quotes and refers
Nathan Lott
Jul 06, 2013 Nathan Lott rated it really liked it
When I was teaching music professionally, my principal asked me to go with her to a professional development seminar and included in that seminar was a presentation on bullying from Barbara Coloroso. They also gave away this book to all of the attendees. This was about eight years ago and I finally got around to reading it. One of the things that spurred me to pick up the book was watching a powerful documentary on Netflix called Bully. I did learn some useful facts and suggestions from the book ...more
Kressel Housman
Sep 15, 2008 Kressel Housman rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: parents, teachers, and school principals
As a parent, I found this book invaluable, and I may just recommend it to my kids' principal. The author breaks down the dynamic of the bullying cycle, pointing out that the bystanders also have to be educated for there to be a change. Bullies don't bully unless they have an audience. Bystanders can defuse the situation by telling - not tattling, but telling. Columbine might have been very different had more kids stuck up for the bullied boys sooner.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those unlucky parent
Davis Runes
Aug 11, 2013 Davis Runes rated it it was amazing
I found it astoundingly concise for a epidemic that seems overwhelmingly improbable to solve. Problem elements I could identify before or even those I'd never considered were all presented, explained and direction given to combat them on various fronts. I would not consider it just a book for parents or teachers but rather anyone. This book confirmed for me that from childhood to adulthood every bit of modeled behavior is critical to shaping a decent caring human being. Not only do teachers, par ...more
Cassandra Miller
Jun 03, 2012 Cassandra Miller rated it liked it
Recommends it for: Parents, Teacher, Child Care Workers
Recommended to Cassandra by: Beverlie Dietz
Shelves: universtiy
I had to read this book for my Child and Youth Studies class at University, and found it very interesting. The stories of children who had experienced bullying were very powerful. Although I found some of the suggestions about how to approuch bullying at home and at school to be not complete solutions. Some seemed good on paper, but might have some difficulty in the real world. I also believed this book could have had more bullying from a childs perspective, instead of the perspective of an adul ...more
Nov 25, 2008 Diana rated it it was amazing
This is an excellent book for parents, people who work with kids, or anyone who has been a kid. There is a mix of accounts of actual bullying, tips on what to look for in kids who may be bullied, a bully or a bystander, and ideas for how to encourage children to be involved, caring, and compassionate. There is also a part that gives parents specific phrases they can provide to their kids to help them be assertive with bullies. I also liked that in this section they review some common advice give ...more
Eden Mani
Jul 01, 2015 Eden Mani rated it really liked it
This book is not merely of use to parents and educators, but also to – and probably mainly to – any person who has ever been a child. Someone once said that to survive high school means that you are already a superhero. Indeed, any child can become a victim of any of these three patterns, and those of us lacking the proper guidance from the adult world might carry the scars to adulthood along with guilt, shame and distorted communication patterns. Parents and educators can use this book to gain ...more
Jun 23, 2011 Gena rated it really liked it
This was my faculty-summer-reading book for the summer. It is well written and does offer some strategies and solutions, although I think we always wish for more. I found it hard to read because it is so sad to hear about the kinds of cruelty kids engage in; we all know these things happen every day, but it is still sad to read about the incidents. I guess I wish there was a little more emphasis on solutions and strategies, but you can only write about what exists after all.... I'd recommend thi ...more
Aug 10, 2008 Genene rated it really liked it
I think that this should be required reading for all parents and educators. I learned that all things, whether good or bad, usually start in our homes. (Not a new revelation here, just reiterated). We as parents have the responsibility to nurture empathy and kindness in our children. I also recognized that there are some things that I do or don't do as a parent that can greatly influence whether my children will become victims of bullies, or be a bully or bystander themselves. I will probably bu ...more
Jun 25, 2011 Cherie rated it it was amazing
I was given this book by my boss, while in the midst of working with a difficult student at school. This book really gave me a different perspective on this student's behaviors. It gave me a lot of valuable insight as to how to work with this student, even on the most frustrating days. I will be keeping this book handy, to use as a resource to remind myself to dig deep on those most difficult days. What I liked most about the book is that although it is something that I had to read for work, I f ...more
Tess Julia
Dec 29, 2015 Tess Julia rated it liked it
This book is without a doubt a start in a massive problem we are facing, but it is only the tip of the iceberg. I started this book a couple of years ago and put it down as I learned the scope of what my daughter had been through. It bothered me that she had a flowery, 'let's all hold hands' and live in peace response, because the reality is, not all bullying stories are going to have a happy ending. Not all bullies are going to be reformed, and not all parents of bullies think their children ne ...more
Apr 29, 2012 Rachelfm rated it really liked it
Nobody wants to have to refer to a book with this title... especially when this is a situation facing your own child. What I found interesting and helpful was the way the author found to deal with children who are being bullied, children doing the bullying, AND the kids who are standing by. It seemed to have a lot of practical tools (as well as a bunch of anecdotes that just break your heart) and I left the book feeling a better sense of perspective as well as with some specifics I could employ ...more
Jun 06, 2011 Saskia rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Very applicable to bullying (more physical and verbal than relational, with essentially all of it oriented towards in-person confrontations than on cyberbullying etc), super informational, does a great job of describing dynamic systems theory without using words like "dynamic systems theory" which would have intimidated readers that might benefit a lot from reading. Would recommend to everyone who plans on going into pre K-12 education or parenting. Very readable and comprehensive.
Janis Savoie
Jul 23, 2012 Janis Savoie rated it it was amazing
I have read many books on bullying, and this is one of the best. The author explains the roles very clearly with excellent examples. This is nothing new, but she writes so clearly that it is accessible information for everyone. I especially like how she includes both the home and school environments in her discussion. Many times this is deemed a school problem without looking at the impact of the home environment.

I'd highly recommend this book to parents and educators.
Mark Schlatter
Coloroso focuses on the bully, the bullied, and the bystander as roles that children learn and switch between, as opposed to labels that fix certain characteristics. As a result, she emphasizes education for all children, regardless of what role they currently inhabit, with a strong focus on empathy, friendship, and "willing good". I particularly liked her distinctions between taunting and teasing, between sexual bullying and flirting, and between tattling and telling.
Erin E
Jan 29, 2011 Erin E rated it it was amazing
Shelves: before-2010
I read this book years ago after taking a weekend long course about Bullying. Most of the course work was centered around key points in this book and although it has been a while since I have read this book, I suggest every Teacher, and Childcare Professional read this book! It certianly lays bare the truth behind the dismissive comments we learned from our parents. "Oh he just pulls your hair because he likes you." NO! No he doesn't!!

Marissa Morrison
Sep 16, 2010 Marissa Morrison rated it really liked it
Coloroso provides many heartbreaking examples of bullying, but few practical solutions. In spite of this limitation, the main message here is quite powerful: Everyone who witnesses bullying behavior can and should do something to help stop it.

One part that particularly resonated with me is the connection between contempt and bullying. It's a good reminder to avoid speaking contemptuously and to confront the attitude as it arises in others.
Jul 28, 2011 Tonya rated it really liked it
I got this book because I wanted to be more informed and educated about bullying with a child starting junior high. I learned a lot from this book. It made me less worried about my own children when it comes to bullying, but more worried about the world in general. She gives a lot of examples suicide and violent rampages that have happened as a result of bullying.
Dec 14, 2010 Nicole rated it liked it
When my son was in preschool he was bullied by a group of older boys. I was shocked to learn that it happens at such an early age. But when my son was bullied again, at a older age, on the bus I had to wonder why this was happening to him.This book was really good but I wish had included more helpful hints on what you can say to a bully who is verbally abusive.
Feb 04, 2013 Katrina rated it it was amazing
Written in layman's terms, this book covers all sorts of bullying and is a necessary read for parents and educators alike. It not only gives parents and educators tools to help identify a child who is being bullied, doing the bullying, or passively participating in the bullying, but it also provides the tools to help us help kids avoid these roles.
Jan 13, 2013 Books4life rated it liked it
With so much news doing the rounds about bullying, I was looking at a practical guide, a series of steps that would outline what a parent can do when faced with situations. I found this book very theoretical in its approach. I don't know how to implement the suggestions that the author makes when faced with a situation.
Apr 04, 2014 Cathy rated it liked it
Interesting reading on the topic but nit necessarily the how-to pick up manual I was looking for. She discussed how to recognize if your child us being bullied, and what not to say but no information on what to say to your child to help them develop solutions. Maybe a good book to pick up again in a few years.
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Barbara Coloroso is the author of the international bestseller Kids Are Worth It! and Parenting Through Crisis and is an acclaimed speaker on parenting, teaching, conflict, resolution, and grieving. Featured in Time, the New York Times, and on many radio and television shows, she lives with her husband in Littleton, Colorado.
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