Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo

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Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo

by Daphne Uviller (Goodreads Author) (Editor), Deborah Siegel (Editor)

3.59 of 5 stars 3.59 · rating details · 105 ratings · 27 reviews

Only children don’t have to share bedrooms, toys, or the backseat of a car. They don’t have to share allowances, inheritances, or their parents’ attention. But when they get into trouble, they can’t just blame their imaginary friends. In Only Child, twenty-one acclaimed writers tell the truth about life without siblings—the bliss of solitude, the ache of loneliness, and ev...more Only children don’t have to share bedrooms, toys, or the backseat of a car. They don’t have to share allowances, inheritances, or their parents’ attention. But when they get into trouble, they can’t just blame their imaginary friends. In Only Child, twenty-one acclaimed writers tell the truth about life without siblings—the bliss of solitude, the ache of loneliness, and everything in between.

In this unprecedented collection, writers like Judith Thurman, Kathryn Harrison, John Hodgman, and Peter Ho Davies reflect on the single, transforming episode that defined each of them as an only child. For some it came while lurking around the edges of a friend’s boisterous family, longing to be part of the chaos. For others, it came in sterile hospital halls, while single-handedly caring for a parent with cancer. They write about the parents who raised them, from the devoted to the dismissive. They describe what it’s like to be an only child of divorce, an only because of the death of a sibling, an only who reveled in it or an only who didn’t.

In candid, poignant, and often hilarious essays, these authors—including the children of Erica Jong, Alice Walker, and Phyllis Rose—explore a lifetime of onliness. As adults searching for partners, they are faced with the unique challenge of trying to turn a longtime trio into a quartet. In deciding whether to give junior a sib, they weigh the benefits of producing the friend they never had against the fear that they will not know how to divide their love and attention among multiples. As they watch their parents age, they come face-to-face with the onus of being their family’s sole historian.

Whether you’re an only child curious about how your experiences compare to others’, the partner or spouse of an only, a parent pondering whether to stop at one, or someone with siblings who’s always wondered how the other half lives, Only Child offers a look behind the scenes and into the hearts of twenty-one smart and sensitive writers as they reveal the truth about growing up—and being a grown-up—solo.(less)

Hardcover, 272 pages

Published December 26th 2006 by Harmony (first published 2006)

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Feb 13, 2008 doreen rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: only children, those who want to know what makes onlies tick

Shelves: memoir, collections

This was a wonderful collection of essays to read. As a "lonely only," I found myself being able to relate at least on some level with many (though not all) of the contributors of this collection.

Some recollections and writing would draw me to tears, some would make me smile. All of them were genuine, although some I related better to than others. Molly Jong-Fast's submission was interesting, but her childhood was very different, and her view as being the only child her parents had together was...more

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Mar 03, 2008 Danine rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Onlies

I happen to hold a membership card for the only child club. It was refreshing to discover what other onlies thought about growing up as only children. Some loved it and some hated it. I fit into the category of I rather enjoyed it. I don't know what it's like to grow up with siblings so I don't know if it would have been better or worse. Others in this book acknowledged the topic. I did notice a lot of the authors mentioned they read a lot of books as children and I loved reading that! I had thr...more

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Nov 02, 2011 Kate rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2011

"In this collection of original, frank, personal accounts, twenty-one of today's most celebrated writers -- all of them only children -- reveal the pleasures, peculiarities, and pain they faced growing up, and growing older, without siblings. More than just stories of head counts and birth order, these essays air the dirty laundry, reveal the singular joys, and grapple with questions of love, loss, and solitude. The authors will make other onlies grin and grimace in recognition and show the rest...more "In this collection of original, frank, personal accounts, twenty-one of today's most celebrated writers -- all of them only children -- reveal the pleasures, peculiarities, and pain they faced growing up, and growing older, without siblings. More than just stories of head counts and birth order, these essays air the dirty laundry, reveal the singular joys, and grapple with questions of love, loss, and solitude. The authors will make other onlies grin and grimace in recognition and show the rest of us what it's like to be a party of one."
~~back cover

I must be weird. None of these stories resonated with me. And yes, I'm an only child, and have hated it all my life. I was forever trying to find a family that had more relatives than mine (we were a singularly small group: I'm an only child, my mother's only sibling was childless [that makes me an only only, you know.] My father had several brothers and a sister, but they are all back in Ohio and I've never met any of them.

None of the stories came close to talking about what it's like to be the point of such an inverted pyramid. All eyes on you, all family aspirations yours to fulfill, yours to fail and let the whole family down, etc. I hated it! As I grew older and began to find out that my family of origin was skewed heavily towards major personality disorders, I wished even harder for a sibling. "I didn't do it, your father didn't do it, and the dog didn't do it." Useless to protest that I didn't do it either -- my goose was already precooked. If I'd had a sibling, we might have compared notes and come to the conclusion about how skewed our family was -- and maybe it wouldn't have taken me so many years to find out, and even more to try to begin to undo the damage.

As we all got older, it would have been lovely to have a sibling, someone to share the burden of caring for them as they declined in health, and proceeded towards leaving this world. Lovely to have had someone to help me clean out the trailer, stuffed with the accumulated detrius of years and years of hoarding against the next Great Depression.

Some of these stories touched on that aspect of being an only child, but most of them ended happily ever after: reconciliation with their aloneness, happy families with their parents. That wasn't my experience, although I really hoped I would read about others who felt like orphans long before their parents' deaths made that status a reality.(less)

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Apr 14, 2012 Corrinne rated it 5 of 5 stars

For the first time in my life I finally felt like someone understood me. All of my friends have siblings, and I am the only person in my family who is an only child. So I never really knew how other only-childern felt, and I actually did not really think about it much until I read this book. Now I did not identify with every short story in here, but a few of them hit home pretty hard. This is a great book for anyone wanting to know what it feels like at times to be an only child...We are not all...more

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Mar 31, 2012 Florinda rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

For the most part, every firstborn spent some portion of his or her life as an only child. Some - like me, just 19 months older than my sister - don't remember much about that time; others, like my stepdaughter, who is five years older than her brother, recall it well. (And a few of us have probably taunted our younger siblings at least once or twice with the fact that we were here first...) And then there are those like my son, who has remained an only child for nearly 24 years; the younger ste...more For the most part, every firstborn spent some portion of his or her life as an only child. Some - like me, just 19 months older than my sister - don't remember much about that time; others, like my stepdaughter, who is five years older than her brother, recall it well. (And a few of us have probably taunted our younger siblings at least once or twice with the fact that we were here first...) And then there are those like my son, who has remained an only child for nearly 24 years; the younger step-siblings he acquired at age 22 live across the country and aren't a daily factor in his life. As it happens, I'm not just the parent of an "only," I'm the daughter of two of them (although my mom became an older half-sister when she was almost 17).

I decided quite early on that I only wanted one child, and I've written about that before. My son has never really seemed unhappy about his singleton status, but when the opportunity to read the essays in Only Child came up, I was very interested in other perspectives, especially since I have the impression that he's a bit of an exception in his contentment with it. I'm also a regular reader of Deborah Siegel's blog, Girl With Pen, so I was aware her work on the book.

The book contains 21 essays organized into four sections - childhood as an "only," significant others and friends, parenting, and losing a parent. As might be expected with an anthology, some of the pieces are stronger than others, and different readers will draw different things from it. I was interested in comparing the writers' perspectives and memories of only-childhood to my understanding of my son's, and curious about how they might address stereotypes about onlies. These are some of the impressions I take from the book:

Some of the writers were very content to be only children, while others begged for siblings - and some went back and forth.
Only children seem to have particularly close and open relationships with their parents. Several of the writers talked about the "triangle" of their family, and that was expressed in a positive manner - that is, as a "stable" shape. At the same time, they recognize that in such a small family, the members can be strongly invested in one another, perhaps too much so. It occurs to me that this makes the temptation toward "helicopter parenting" particularly strong for parents of an only (which makes me even more glad I resisted it with my son, pretty much). But for the most part, the closeness is seen as unremarkable within the family - but quite remarkable from the outside.

I got the sense that, at least among the only children who contributed to this book, the absence of sibling rivalry and closeness with their parents helped them grow up with more security and self-confidence than average.

Most of the only children here seem to deny the "spoiled" stereotype, at least in the material sense - they'll admit to being spoiled by parental attention, though. As far as the "selfish" designation often applied to onlies - because they "never had to learn to share" - some of the contributors feel that because they didn't have to fight siblings for attention, toys, or space, they're actually more generous and giving. (I think there's something to that, in not having a need to define and defend "turf.") However, sometimes that can lead to real problems with boundaries, or lack of them - an observation which actually gives me a little better understanding of my dad.

My favorite section of the book is the second one, "We Are...Family: Significant Others and Friends." This portion contains the editors' own contributions; Siegel's essay talks about her hopes of finding a partner who will "complete" her family, while Uviller's story imagines what life might have been like with a sister. Both are among my favorite selections; I also enjoyed Molly Jong-Fast's piece on growing up as Erica Jong's daughter. Sara Reistad-Long's "Separation and the Single Girl" and Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn's "Becoming an Only Child" - a fairly uncommon experience resulting from the death of a brother - were particularly moving. The "parenting" section is titled "A Sib for Junior?" and I think that's telling; it's very interesting that only children frequently don't want to replicate that experience with the next generation, and that may be one way to learn how they really feel about it. (I'm waiting to see how that plays out with my son - and I'll be glad to wait a few more years, thank you.)

Only Child contains some fascinating reading and interesting stories, whether you grew up "only" yourself , are the partner of one, or are considering whether to raise one (just one). (less)

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Jul 24, 2012 Crystal Falconer rated it 5 of 5 stars

I absolutely LOVED this collection of essays about growing up an only child. Many different writers from very different backgrounds have come together to tell a story about a defining moment in only-child-dom and how growing up without siblings affected them each, making them who they are today. Each chapter has it's own personality, and there are sad and happy tales, but I enjoyed every one of them. I almost never pick up non-fiction and this one just sucked me in (I'm trying to branch out a li...more

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May 19, 2011 Jean Godwin Carroll rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: motherhood-parenting-family, non-fiction

As I struggled with whether or not to have a second child, I tried to get my hands on everything I could read about only children. This collection of essays was an interesting perspective on how some adult onlies felt about growing up without siblings. I can't say that this book helped with my decision to have just one child, since everyone's experience is unique - and that goes for children who grow up with siblings, just as much as without siblings. Yet I very much enjoyed reading these variou...more

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Jan 29, 2012 Sarah B rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 35-books

As the wife of an only and the mother of a probably-only, I enjoyed this book. It was interesting to get the perspectives of different aspects of being an only. From growing up with all of the attention (for good or for bad) to being the only child to mourn your parents. Not something that I have really thought about. It definitely brought some insight to my boys, but really brought home how individual all of our experiences are.

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Mar 17, 2010 Heidi rated it 2 of 5 stars

As the parent of a possible only child, I am very eager to hear from only children about their lives and experiences. This sounded like an ideal read. However, I found most of the writers to be too similar, and their stories to be like anyone's childhood stories (and rather depressing as a whole.) But then I realized that maybe that's the point. Being an only child isn't a person's sole identity, just as having siblings defines only a small part of me.
Due to the depressive nature of the stories...more

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May 21, 2009 Meadow rated it 5 of 5 stars

A bunch of essays written by only children. It was excellent. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it doesn't matter if I only have one kid or more than one kid. A lot is going to depend on my kid and who she is and how we raise her.

Man, I hope I raise her right...

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Jan 15, 2010 Tracyj rated it 3 of 5 stars

Some stories were better than others. I really didn't feel this dealt with being an only child as much as the writer's relationship with their parent/parents. I'm raising an only child and I felt this gave me a little bit of insight into what she may be experiencing, but not much.

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Sep 19, 2012 Sushud82 Hudson rated it 3 of 5 stars

I enjoyed gaining new perspective on only children, but I felt like the theme of each story was so similar the book felt a bit redundant. Friends = Family, Parents are BFFs, Like being alone, etc. A lot of the voices were similar as well. I don't know if this was a result of the editors not straying far from their own circles or because only children tend to gravitate towards certain ideologies. My favorite stories were by John Hodgman, Kathryn Harris, Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn, and Teller.

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Jan 21, 2009 Stefanie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: read-2009

It was really great to read so many perspectives on being an only child. It also gave me some insight into my own life and some of the reasons I do/have done the things I do. There was a lot of discussion on the issue of only children wanting to have more than one child and the reasons behind it and it was reassuring to know that I am not alone in this desire ... nor the fears that I wouldn't be able to be a proper parent because I don't understand sibling relationships. But at the end it was ju...more

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Aug 04, 2011 Tess Fragoulis rated it 4 of 5 stars

Yes, we are special...and we can write, too!!

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Jan 14, 2008 Michelle rated it 3 of 5 stars

As an only, I looked forward to this book hoping for some sort of camaraderie with the authors, I suppose. All in all it was a quick and pleasant read, arguably the best story was last (Teller's).

What surprised me were those stories of onlies who were clearly not happy with the situation. Since my own background was really positive, I found myself shaking my head, saying, what's not to like?

Fun for its range and diversity of experiences, and it was good to see some stories from people who ende...more

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Jan 11, 2010 Starr Phoenix added it

As an only, I related to almost every story in this book in some way. Great read.

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Oct 03, 2007 Sundry rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

I had high hopes for this collection, but they didn't really pay off. Bought it on a whim at an independent bookstore that's affiliated with Aroma Coffee House in Studio City. It was part of a lovely afternoon of writing and browsing before a writing group meeting, but that's about as far as it went.

I don't know why, but the writing just didn't grab me and it took me a long time to get through the book. I guess I'm still in rebound from _Food and Booze_, which entirely enchanted and thrilled me....more

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Jan 18, 2013 Shannon rated it 3 of 5 stars

I was hoping this collection of short essays would help push me one way or the other on the whole "should we have a second child debate". So by that standard, it is a total failure. However, a few of the essays are a great read. The best of the lot is John Hodgeman's essay "Apologia to My Second Child", which manages to finely balance humour and seriousness. The whole of that essay can be found on http://www.psychologytoday.com/articl...

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Mar 24, 2010 Lara rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: own, 2010, biography-memoir

I could relate to so much within these pages: the neccesity of solitude, the intensity of parent-child relationships, the gravity of being the pointed end of the family branch...an emotionally honest and thoughtfully arranged collection of essays.

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Mar 08, 2013 Claudia rated it 3 of 5 stars

I thought I would relate more to the stories in this book. Only minor parts of the stories reminded me of my upbringing. Then again, we are all unique in our own ways. The last short story was especially my favorite!

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Jul 25, 2007 Jessica Baxter rated it 5 of 5 stars

if you are an only child then you have no choice but to read this collection of essays. some of them are funny, some of them are devastating, and all of them are immensely readable and beautifully written. it leaves you with a sense of community, a sense of relief that even if you dont have siblings you arent alone. sounds cheesy but its true.

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Nov 20, 2010 elise rated it 3 of 5 stars

I stopped reading it, it got boring. The stories were interesting and made it clear to me that being an only child is not bad if you have good boundaries with your child. Maybe also that even though I have a brother and a sister - emotionally speaking, I grew up and still am an only child and it's not so bad.

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Oct 04, 2009 Janie rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, shorts

A few funny pieces, several dismal only-child memories, but no lingering insights.

I've come across several compilations of this ilk: pieces gathered from writers invited to pontificate on a particular topic, ending up as a fine creative writing hodgepodge but not as a strong contribution to the topic.

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Jun 28, 2010 Naomi rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, essays

There were some interesting essays in here, including one by John Hodgman and another by Teller (of Penn and Teller), but I wish that there had been more variety in the contributors, in terms of age, cultural background and socio-economic status.

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Jul 28, 2007 Amy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

Being an only child, I can relate to a lot of what these authors are talking about.

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Oct 28, 2007 Jane rated it 2 of 5 stars

quality varies but well worth it, especially for onlies.

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Oct 15, 2009 Nicole rated it 4 of 5 stars

yay, i'm not alone!!

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May 22, 2013 Marian rated it 2 of 5 stars

May 18, 2013 Cynthia marked it as to-read

May 12, 2013 Jessica marked it as to-read

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About Daphne Uviller

Daphne is pleased to announce the April 2011 release of Hotel No Tell, featuring the return of Super in the City 's hapless, lovable heroine, Zephyr Zuckerman.

Publishers Weekly has already called it a "refreshing, smart caper novel [that] will appeal to anyone who loves well-plotted mysteries and funny, off-the-wall characters” while Booklist says it's "an "irrepressible sequel...Snappy crime fict...more

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