Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder
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Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder

3.99 of 5 stars 3.99  ·  rating details  ·  2,272 ratings  ·  212 reviews
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how...more
Hardcover, 258 pages
Published July 1st 1998 by New Harbinger Pubns Inc (first published 1998)
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Steve
Jul 27, 2013 Steve rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Anyone who deals with difficult people
Shelves: self-help
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a surprisingly common problem, and it often coexists with alcoholism and/or drug addiction. We all know people with BPD, although we may not know that scientific label. People with BPD can be maddeningly difficult to deal with, irrational, manipulative, and often, downright mean. After I divorced my wife, who suffered from BPD (OK, the whole family suffered from her BPD), this book became my bible, my lifeline. My therapist recommended it, and I'll be for...more
Shanon
My heart stopped when I found this book on my now Ex boyfriend's bookshelf. He came home from work to find me reading it and the expression on his face was absolute shame and horror. It disappeared the next day when he left for work, but the damage was already done.

I DESPISED this book. It presents BPD as a burden on the lives of those people "unfortunate" enough to care for someone who has it. It focuses on "surviving the ordeal" rather than helping them find ways to cope with the fallout while...more
Palilicium
For a more thorough overview please read Seeking Myself's review, I agree with their critiques of the book completely.

This book may be useful for dealing with people with difficult or abusive behaviour, but it unfortunately conflates that behaviour with BPD and gives a very inaccurate picture of the disorder. It also encourages people to self-diagnose friends and family with BPD. The author even admits that she wrote the book because of a relationship with someone that she thought had BPD despit...more
Nicole
This book helped to free me from an extremely painful relationship with a Borderline/Narcissist. It finally put a name on what the person was and what they were doing to me. My world is a better place because of this book.
K
It was a hard decision for me to give this three stars, because for me it was really more of a two. I think, though, that that's because as a psychologist, I already know quite a bit about borderline personality disorder and about the need to maintain one's boundaries. I was hoping this book would give me some new information and insight into ways to deal with difficult people, but for the most part, it didn't. That's me, though, and lots of other people seem to have found it helpful so I didn't...more
Loy Machedo


The Background of how I came to read this book
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

When one of my friends admitted to me his wife had a Borderline Personality Disorder, I quizzically wondered what in the world did he mean that. His wife looked perfectly normal to me and they did look like a happy couple - at least on the outside. However, after he shared with me a few intimate details -...more
Amy
This is my second or third time reading this book. It was originally recommended by my brother's girlfriend-at-the-time, who had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I find this book very helpful. It acknowledges the difficulty of dealing with mental illness that can be disguised or hidden, and it doesn't judge, but also doesn't excuse. It talks about distortions and altered reality and over-reactions and lies, and all the things that start to seem "normal" when you deal with some...more
Sarina
Grossly insensitive and inaccurate.

(If you are someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I highly recommend trashing this crap and never looking back. Or at least never reading the online reviews - here or elsewhere. You will find a boatload of people thanking God that they do not have to "deal with" anyone who has BPD, when they actually mean the examples Stop Walking on Eggshells uses to demonize all sufferers. It coins the term 'borderline' as something that stands for manipulative, abus...more
Dave O'Neal
As the child of a borderline mother, I found this particularly helpful in understanding the point of view of borderlines and for gaining some useful tactics on how to deal with them--the "spolier" here being that there's no particularly satisfying way, just some ways that work to a degree and others that you learn not even to try.
The authors are optomistic about borderlines being able to crawl out of their mental prison, once they recognize they've got a problem--and therein lies the problem fo...more
Elizabeth
(I'm pretty sure) I don't know anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I found this book helpful anyway. A lot of the stuff about the fact that you can't "fix" the other person (and also about boundary-setting, and trigger vs. cause) is broadly applicable.

***

I will caveat, however, that I'm not stoked about some of their language choices.

(1) They often alternate using "he" and "she" for generic examples, rather than going for a singular they or "he or she" (and whenever they do say "he...more
Isabell
I don't want to go into personal detail, but this book has been an eye opener in many ways, not only about the mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, but about self-destructive, manipulative, aggressive, abusive behaviors and co-dependency in general.

The message is clear: You can't fix the other person, so don't go around playing God.

The author is compassionate, towards both the ill person and their relatives. It doesn't point fingers, it offers concrete help. I don't usually li...more
Jan
If you have anyone anywhere in your life travels who has Borderline Personality Disorder, you should read this book. It is an eye opener that validates so many assumed ideas about one who can cause havoc within relationships, but who is ultimately empty inside, despite the devastation they can cause. The lies and distortion campaigns against people they claim to love can be so devastating. On my list of menta health care, this one is a necessary read if you live your life in proximity to one who...more
Jess Bradley
This book is great if you have a family member suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. So many of the BPD focus on the people who have the illness and how family members can bend over backwards to help them while suffering the most abuse, but this book is supportive, offers helpful advice, and is easy to read. And, if like me, you just need to take a break for a while, this book lets you know that not only is it okay, it's sometimes the right thing to do.
Jack
Read this trying to make sense of a past relationship that started and stopped over a dozen times in a few months. Roller coaster only begins to describe what was going on and not only did the relationship end poorly, I struggled trying to understand what had happened. One moment the world was fine, and the next everything was wrong and couldn't be fixed. I was alternately the best thing that had ever happened or the most colossal screwup. There was no in between and the switch could happen over...more
Michele Lee
I borrowed this book.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex, difficult to deal with and highly undiagnosed mental disease. While the idea of the unstable girlfriend or boyfriend is common enough to be a comedy (and horror) stereotype, this book explores a very real disorder that might be behind the actions. And unlike many books on the topic, it focuses on the supporters, caretakers, or those who have been scarred by the actions of a BPD person.

This book is very clear, easy to read and i...more
Sara
With BPD coming clearer and clearer into focus in our society, picking up a book like this for the first time is a real eye-opener. You can expect a range of emotions if someone you love, particularly a parent, spouse, or child has BPD. BPD is not talked about much in our society and for that I am very grateful that the first part of the book identifies myths and false media representation of the disorder. It is, in fact, a personality disorder rooted in trauma and other environmental factors/at...more
Rachel Nabors
I'm not 100% sure if I or the people I love are afflicted by Borderline Personality Disorder, although I have the deepest of suspicions to that effect. I started reading this book because I was worried about a parent. But as I got deeper and deeper into it, I found myself stopping every few pages to try imagining how what I'd just read applied to my grandparents, my parent, and then myself. I learned so much from that. Even if the people I love are not afflicted with BPD, I now feel I have more...more
Randolph J.
I have been there more than once. Sometimes answers about who a person is are staring you right in your face, your friends and family see it, but you don't, you don't want to accept it so you put on your rose colored glasses and jump head first into a nightmare. This book is not only for those in relationships, but parents with their children as well. When I read this book concerning a relationship that I was in I thought that I was reading my own life. When people that you are involved with iso...more
Katie J
Having been in a relationship with a borderline for 10 years now, this book gave me a lot of insight and knowledge as to what was goIng on in my chaotic relationship and in my boyfriends head. I don't agree with the "coping" mechanisms for staying in a relationship with someone that suffers from this disorder. I don't think anyone should have to "cope" or deal With the abuse that comes along with it. I think more people should be encouraged to leave the relationship and seek a healthier lifestyl...more
Tracey
Stop Walking on Eggshells was well crafted. It was organized in a "user friendly" way that made it easy to find the points you connect with and ignore the points you do not. I really appreciated all of the personal quotes from both people suffering from BPD and from those who love someone with BPD. The techniques for dealing with a BPD person were extremely helpful and really could be applied in any relationship, not just a BPD relationshp. In the end I felt a certain hopelessness for those who...more
Michaella Dietrich
I wish I had known about this book when I was in high school. It would have helped me a lot and taught me how to deal with my mother better. I don't know if she actually has BPD because she also fits a lot of the narcissistic characteristics as well. I'll probably never know for sure but she acts and reacts similar to a person with BPD. The techniques mentioned in this book are similar to the techniques that Al-Anon uses so I have already started using them in my life. There has been a huge chan...more
Tracey
Have you ever known someone that just couldn't seem to get out of their own way? The endless, constant drama that is never their fault, confusion about the choices they make, and the helplessness you feel as you watch it happen over and over again is so frustrating. Now imagine that you are watching a child in that position who doesn't understand what is happening. You watch them get lied to, manipulated, and pretty much mind f*#%^d by this person, who happens to be their parent. It's hard to un...more
tomlinton
I know people like this
whose behavior puzzles me
This is helping me
generate the compassion
which I think is necessary
for living in this world

I thought it insightful
of the author
to recommend small doses
There's a lot of new stuff
to absorb he says

And in case you are one of those
who believes this disorder
is too recalcitrant
He also offers hope

And suggestions if you must
deal with someone
who has this
whom you don't want to give up on
Leah
I read this book because it was recommended to me by a psychiatrist friend of mine in hopes that it could help me understand and deal with a family member. My friend has heard a only a few "stories" and suspected my family member may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, after reading the book, I believe my family member does have BPD. I had never heard of BPD before, and I don't think my family member has been officially diagnosed...and if she has, she's not telling anyone.

This book did h...more
Vrinda Pendred
This book is basically a guide to how to extricate yourself from friends and family and lovers who have BPD...and never speak to them again, because they are awful destructive people with no feelings to respect. It is one of the most offensive, disgusting, prejudiced books I've ever read and I'm shocked it's allowed in print. Not once does it ever suggest maybe you could HELP the person because it terrifies them too.
Beth
Really excited to have this book to recommend to family/friends of those suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder creates a lot of upheaval for all involved, and anything that can help with reducing the stress is a very good thing. Looking forward to checking out the other books by Kreger too.
Alicia
This book is a must for people dealing at close range (close relative, friend, S.O.) with Borderline Personality Disorder. Having been trained as a Medical Librarian and unfortunately having the above close range experience, I highly recommend this book as a step for those who wish to take back their lives!!
Holly
Finally figured out this is what my mom suffers from, and the discovery was such a revelation that I devoured this book in a day. Very helpful, with a good combination of personal anecdotes, expert information, and tips for dealing with people with BPD.
Sharon
Very easy to read! Excellent Book to look at if you know someone; a friend, or family member who has borderline personality disorder; or if you enjoy reading about psychology and analysis...
Elizabeth
from the library

not a very encouraging book because it doesn't really give anyone hope that their loved one can be cured....it does however help the partner or family member to survive
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“bargaining This stage is characterized by the non-BP making concessions in order to bring back the “normal” behavior of the person they love. The thinking goes, “If I do what this person wants, I will get what I need in this relationship.” We all make compromises in relationships. But the sacrifices that people make to satisfy the borderlines they care about can be very costly. And the concessions may never be enough. Before long, more proof of love is needed and another bargain must be struck. depression Depression sets in when non-BPs realize the true cost of the bargains they’ve made: loss of friends, family, self-respect, and hobbies. The person with BPD hasn’t changed. But the non-BP has.” 0 likes
“loss of self-esteem Beverly Engel, in The Emotionally Abused Woman (1990), describes the effect of emotional abuse on self-esteem: Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.” 0 likes
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