Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Paul T. Mason

book data

122 ratings, 3.84 average rating, 35 reviews (more data...)

rating	frequency	%
5		23%
4		46%
3		20%
2		7%
1		1%

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published

July 9th 1998 by New Harbinger Publications

binding

Paperback, 240 pages

isbn

157224108X (isbn13: 9781572241084)

description

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members a...more

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other reviews (showing 1-20 of 198)

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05/15/07

Steve rated it:

bookshelves: self-help

Read in January, 2002

recommends it for: Anyone who deals with difficult people

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a surprisingly common problem, and it often coexists with alcoholism and/or drug addiction. We all know people with BPD, although we may not know that scientific label. People with BPD are maddeningly difficult to deal with, irrational, manipulative, and often, downright mean. After I divorced my wife, who suffered from BPD (OK, the whole family suffered from her BPD), this book became my bible, my lifeline. My therapist recommended it, and I'll be foreve...more

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2 comments

03/11/09

Dave O'Neal rated it:

As the child of a borderline mother, I found this particularly helpful in understanding the point of view of borderlines and for gaining some useful tactics on how to deal with them--the "spolier" here being that there's no particularly satisfying way, just some ways that work to a degree and others that you learn not even to try.
The authors are optomistic about borderlines being able to crawl out of their mental prison, once they recognize they've got a problem--and therein li...more

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01/07/09

Amanda rated it:

Read in January, 2009

I picked out this book as I was looking for advice on how best to deal with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The first half is largely descriptive of common behaviors of people with BPD, and I admit I only skimmed that part because I felt I already had a grasp of this. There is something rather comforting, though, about reading about this and realizing that there is a pattern of sorts behind behavior that mostly seems random, unpredictable, and destructive. The examples and qu...more I picked out this book as I was looking for advice on how best to deal with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The first half is largely descriptive of common behaviors of people with BPD, and I admit I only skimmed that part because I felt I already had a grasp of this. There is something rather comforting, though, about reading about this and realizing that there is a pattern of sorts behind behavior that mostly seems random, unpredictable, and destructive. The examples and quotes from people with BPD also give the reader a chance to sort of get in their heads and develop a sense of the deep-seated fear and instability of identity that are a motivation for many destructive behaviors.

The second half of the book is the one that offers the advice for people who don't have BPD who need to interact with someone who does. On some level the advice is dissatisfying because nothing is guaranteed to work. The reader is often reminded that if they have been dealing with someone with BPD in ways other than the ones suggested, they are not at fault, and if the suggested techniques don't work, that isn't their fault either, because the person with BPD is ultimately responsible for their own behavior. I think the book does a good job walking the line between empowering the reader and making them responsible for fixing an extremely difficult situation. Since people with BPD often use guilt to make other people in their lives feel responsible for their problems, it's very important that the book not play on the sense of self-blame that many readers may already have.

Of the advice given, two things mainly stuck with me. One is a technique for having a conversation with someone with BPD about something about which you disagree, which is likely to lead to a major conflict or some kind of drama. You can express the validity of their feelings while also disagreeing by saying something like "I can see that you feel thus-and-such way about this, but I feel differently. My position is..." Whether this actually works I don't know, but it seems like a worthwhile idea.

The other thing that stuck with me, which they emphasized a lot, is the importance of establishing boundaries and limits for the person with BPD. It's important not only so that the person without BPD can retain control of their lives, but also because people with BPD often lack the ability to regulate their own behavior and establish boundaries between other people and themselves, so without someone to define limits and stick to them, they will never be able to improve. This is sort of counterintuitive since trying to establish any sort of boundary is never easy and can lead to backlash, but in the long run it is apparently better for all involved.(less)

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04/06/09

Tomlinton rated it:

bookshelves: kindle, reference

Read in April, 2009

I know people like this
whose behavior puzzles me
This is helping me
generate the compassion
which I think is necessary
for living in this world

I thought it insightful
of the author
to recommend small doses
There's a lot of new stuff
to absorb he says

And in case you are one of those
who believes this disorder
is too recalcitrant
He also offers hope

And suggestions if you must
deal with someone
...more

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02/11/09

Erin rated it:

Read in February, 2009

Written mostly for family members and significant others that have a person with borderline personality disorder in their life. Contains valuable and insightful information about this disorder and tips on how to behave to minimize troubling behavior from the person with borderline personality disorder.

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04/03/09

Elizabeth rated it:

bookshelves: to-read

Read in January, 2008

from the library

not a very encouraging book because it doesn't really give anyone hope that their loved one can be cured....it does however help the partner or family member to survive

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05/27/09

Robert Hopt rated it:

I will never forget the acronym FOG, for things a person with borderline personality disorder uses in attempting to control another person's behavior: Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

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03/27/09

Foxthyme rated it:

bookshelves: health, reference

It's always good to know you're not the only one dealing with a BPD person. Just for that alone, I love this book. All the rest of the great info is gravy.

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10/14/07

Erik rated it:

Read in January, 2007

If you care about someone that has an extreme and powerful tendacy to control and manipulate, then this book is a great start. If you choose to maintain a relationship with this person this book may help you learn their perspective (which most likely will always differ from your own).

It will validate your own thoughts and help you realize you are not alone. This book not only helps a person understand people that tend to control and manipulate, but also provides great insight for t...more

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12/19/08

Michele marked it as to-read

bookshelves: to-read

this sounds like something I should read...

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01/21/09

Marsha rated it:

Read in July, 2008

This book truly changed my life.

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01/20/09

Susan is currently reading it

bookshelves: currently-reading

excellent resource

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11/25/08

Mia rated it:

bookshelves: self-help

it was helpful

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06/19/08

April rated it:

Read in June, 2008

I'm reading this book out of curiosity not knowing much about borderline personality disorder. Working as a counselor, I can go through now and think of kids who I am guessing have it though! This book is incredible and frustrating at the same time. It is full of great information and specifics on how to not get sucked in to all the drama that this kind of a person--especially a family member brings with them. I kept wanting more info on how to help the situation though and that must be anot...more

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01/04/08

Jennifer rated it:

Read in January, 2008

recommended to Jennifer by: a therpaist I saw for a while.
recommends it for: people whose therapists recommend it.

A therapist I saw last year after my dad died told me to read this book. Woooo... explained a lot about my childhood. In some ways this book was very helpful. Reading other people's accounts of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) helped me identify patterns in family members' behavior, and was a nice reality check. However, the "how to engage with a BPD person in effective ways" section was just tiring. This is one of those self-help books that is helpful, but hard to read, and even ...more

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06/27/08

Michelle rated it:

bookshelves: non-fiction

Read in June, 2008

WOW...the title alone hit me close to home. I never realized (until I read this) how your borderline family members (or friends) bring everyone else into their whirlwind. Even those on the fringes are affected. For so many years I wondered why I felt "on eggsheslls" and now things are beginning to make sense. This was an excellent guide for understanding the borderline person and for learning methods of dealing (gently) with borderline personality disorders.

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08/13/08

Greg rated it:

bookshelves: personal-development

Read in January, 2000

This was a terrifically helpful book at a time when it was most needed. Thought the diagnosis (in our case) was wrong, the ideas and tools provided by the book helped nonetheless in handling the behavioral and emotional issues that were often very similar to those experienced by people with BPD. For those who may be friends or family of people suffering from borderline personality disorder, I can't recommend this book highly enough.

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07/26/07

Zoe rated it:

Read in January, 2005

This book did not cover everything I was looking for but it did give a great insight into dealing with people with BPD and into how they think and rationalize. I found it helpful and a good starting place to begin to understand the condition. It does however as indicated by the title focus on "people you care about". I almost found myself feeling sorry for the person I know with the disorder, but nah... they're still evil!

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09/09/07

Elizabeth rated it:

Someone in my life does have BPD, and I read this to find out a little bit more about the disorder. It's extremely easy to read, but I wish it offered a little more insight and detail into its root causes and psychology. It is a great resource for dealing with people suffering from BPD -- how to talk rationally with them, not take their anger personally, and set limits and boundaries.

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01/28/08

Erin rated it:

Read in January, 2008

Someone I care about has a BPD person in their lives and over the past couple of years I've been supporting him I've had a difficult time understanding much of the behavior he was having to deal with. This book cleared up a ton, and has given me some great coping skills to better support and understand what he's going through.

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