Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

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3.65 of 5 stars 3.65  ·  rating details  ·  487 ratings  ·  159 reviews
Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunke...more
Paperback, 267 pages
Published August 1st 2007 by Virtualbookworm.com Publishing
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Andersen Prunty
May 18, 2008 Andersen Prunty rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Readers of Confederacy of Dunces, Youth in Revolt, Christopher Moore
The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc., is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin... The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable for...more
Lori
This is a hilarious debute novel about a 30-something year old guy, messed up from years of drug use, who lives at home with his mom, his catarac-inflicted, nose repelling, lumpy bodied basset hound, and his stuffed Daddy, and the amazingly action-packed road trip he embarks upon.

Madness. Mayhem. Hitchhiking Christian Terrorists. Crazy Pedros. An exploding sombrero. Ziplocked frozen poo. A Clubfoot musician who never stops playing his guitar. And his faithful dog Idjit, relaying important inform...more
C.B.
Oct 11, 2008 C.B. rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who needs to laugh
Recommended to C.B. by: Lance Carbuncle
In a time when people see through their ears and think with their emotions, a view through the fractured looking glass is all the more welcome. Carbuncle delivers in high Tsunami form as he stomps, swaggers, and sways into the limelight with the bitches in tow and the balls of a sumo sailor. And how he does this with the absolute simplicity of a true master is achieved by the simplest and most expedient of means: humor. When we meet the main character we are mildly impressed by his seemly unimpr...more
JSou
This book rocked. It really was one of the funniest books I have ever read. I pretty much tore through this since it was impossible to put down. The narrator in this book has one of the craziest adventures I've ever read, and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing. At the same time, I was surprised to find how oddly touching the story turned out to be.

I mean really, how awesome is it to find references to skullets, mud-butt, and Chuck Liddell all in one book? Now that's perfection...more
Bobbie  Crawford-McCoy
Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed,
Written By: Lance Carbuncle
Published By: Lance Carbuncle (VBW, Self-Published), Tampa, Florida, 2007, 267 pages, paperback, ISBN 978-1-60264-043-6

“Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed is a drunken, psychedelic joyride for those of us with a really warped sense of humour”BCM

As an unmarried, 35 year old man who lives in his mother’s basement, you’d think he has enough problems already. The added bonus of being unemployed, singl...more
L. Brooks
You'll never look at hash browns in the same way again...

When you see a title like "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed", you're almost afraid to read the book. Afraid that the story might live up to the somewhat revolting imagery that its title implies. As a matter of fact, Lance Carbuncle's title is almost a challenge. "I dare you to read this book!"

And so I did, not being one to back down when challenged. And the book delivers on its promise. At times I actually did thr...more
Treplovski
Aug 19, 2008 Treplovski rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: fans of Tim Dorsey and Carl Hiassen
Recommended to Treplovski by: You don't wanna know
Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be?

In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the namel...more
Michelle
Mar 22, 2008 Michelle rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone with a strong stomach and a twisted sense of humor
Recommended to Michelle by: Myspace
Shelves: humor-satire
This is one truly hysterical fucked up fantasy that bastardizes not only the Western ideal of heaven but the many indigenous beliefs of the rural South. No one escapes from this ingenious novel unscathed. The protagonist is an eternal man-child, Peter Pan in an era of petty crime, cannabis, and casual sex, on a self-appointed mission to rescue his fur covered, flea bitten, loyal and loving best friend from wherever he may be. His buddy, a dog too old to possibly still be continent, escaped on th...more
Jennifer
Aug 19, 2008 Jennifer rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who needs a laugh or mood elevator :)
Recommended to Jennifer by: other readers of this book
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the most surreal, humorously disgusting book I have read this year, and that's saying a lot since I read about a lot of government conspiracies. Carbuncle does such a good job with the oddly fascinating South of the Border that by the middle of the book I was aching to be a Pablo. It was riveting, like Twin Peaks with a lot of extra bodily fluids and bad smells. The cast of misfits in this book will stay in my mind for years to come an...more
Euni
Can't. Get. Clean.

Wow!!! This is a whole lotta messiness with no cleanliness in sight. I loved it!!!! It reminded me of the 70's when my brother and cousins used to get f*&%$# up. They had adventures such as this, but I never believed them. Who knew that things could get that bad. I never did. Dr. Rev. Carbuncle, you are on sick man. I love you. I was in awe with all the gory details of what happens to this guy trying to get back to his dog. The fact that you went through towns in Florida th...more
Clynn22
Jun 26, 2008 Clynn22 rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: EVERYONE
Recommended to Clynn22 by: PEOPLE WHO LEFT RAVE REVIEWS
Hilarious! I really didn’t have the time to start reading it but decided to read the first couple of pages – before I knew it I was on chapter 10! The next few nights I neglected everything just to finish reading the book. On the first night my husband saw how far I got and he insisted he read it next. This will definitely be a book that I give out for birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza to those who I know will like the sick, inappropriate, twisted and demented humor that this book provid...more
Norm
Nov 07, 2008 Norm rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: perverts and weirdos
Recommended to Norm by: dunno
If you like sick twisted humor ... think Hunter S. Thompson meets Carl Hiaasen for pizza, drinks and mebbe an hallucinogen or two ... you'll really like this fable.

Fortunately, I like sick twisted humor.

With nimble word-speak and a gift for the ridiculous, the aptly named Lance Carbuncle will take you on a journey as fun and offbeat as "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?"

I'm sure there were some morals in the story, but I have to admit I missed them entirely... but that's okay.

Read... enjoy ... lose...more
Lea
Lance Carbuncle's lunatic genius is on brilliant display in this book, which has one of my favourite covers ever. (My kids also really enjoyed my pantomime explanation of what "spewed" meant -- thanks, Lance.)

Bassett Hound Idjit Galoot (my husband's new nickname, BTW) has run off right when his owner has packed up to move to Florida. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his beloved dog.

And what a quest it is -- along the way he encou...more
Carrie Faye
Dec 02, 2007 Carrie Faye rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: all
Read it now!
One day I had a myspace friend request from an author promoting his self published novel via la internet. I was highly intrigued from the title of said book alone, THEN it turns out the story is FANTASTIC, Sr. Carbuncle seems to be an überswell guy, and now I am on a mission to recommend this book to friends near and far. Bravo Mr. Carbuncle and BRAVO to all who grab a copy before they're gone!
Lei Lani
This book is hilarious for anyone who lived through the last few decades (non-inclusive!) A wilder, gut-busting ride with a basset hound couldn't be detailed any better. I usually give books for gifts, and try to stick to what the recipient would read, but this was on my 'got to give it to most who know me' list, just so they would have some insight on what I think is good, (not-so) clean fun.
Steve
This book will drive you mad. Not really but it could. I could not put it down, and as a result almost lost my job. Its that good. Its likable characters and dislikable ones will keep you hooked page by page. Personally, I can not wait to read the follow up. SSSCCS is a future classics. One I'll be reading as a bedtime story for my future children. Therapy, here they come!!!!!!!
Georg
Usually I don't like books containing (i) dreams, (ii) pets and (iii) talking animals. So why four stars and not the minus three stars it deserves according to these rules?

Because (i) the pet only appears in dreams, (ii) the pet (sometimes) speaks in a scottish accent and (iii) for the first time I got a plausible explanation for the term "defenestration".
robin clinansmith
Jul 13, 2008 robin clinansmith rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who loves to laugh and read all at once
Recommended to robin by: lance carbuncle & his legion of fans
Wow! What a wonderful wild and wacky ride. I had a slight sense of dread as I neared the final pages, as I knew I was about to leave a group of people that I had grown to enjoy hanging out with.
We should all be so lucky as to stumble across such colorful characters!
Bradley
The author asked me to write a blurb. This is it: ""Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."
Tina
Aug 26, 2008 Tina rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: People with a sense of humour who don't vomit easily.
Recommended to Tina by: Lance Carbuncle


A highly irreverent, troubling, hilarious, vocabulary boosting, road trip, carnivale, extravaganza... To keep it short and sweet: Excellent!
Read it! May it make your black heart smile like mine.
Sarah
Let’s face it: a great majority of books claiming to be funny really are not. I’m talking about real laughter, not guttural chuckles at marginally humorous observations. So I had some reservations when I read reviews of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed claiming how funny it was. I was completely wrong! This book is a hilarious thrill ride that really took me for head spin. SSSCCS is about a 30-something year old dude living in his mother’s basement. He loves heavy metal,...more
Roxie
I didn't know what to think of the Book when i got it and i kinda put off reading it for a while although i don't know why.

I seriously think its one of my favourite books of the year and its hard to say why without spoiling the book but its just awesome from start to finish.

It reminded me alot of fear and loathing in las vegas and pretty much every road trip movie/book going it has that same feeling of they're never going get what they want in the end but you'll go along for the ride anyways....more
Betty
Nov 14, 2008 Betty rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Anyone who likes to laugh
Recommended to Betty by: Saw it on GoodReads
A laugh a minute! For those who have ever felt "chewed up and spit out!"

When I saw that a GoodReads friend had written a book with this unlikely title, I just had to learn more about the book AND the author. I was hooked simply from reading the author's bio, and knew if anyone could pull off a book like this, Lance Carbuncle could. He reminds me a lot of Kurt Vonnegut with a touch of Tim Dorsey tossed in...but with his own distinctive voice.

Have you ever felt like the world had chewed you up an...more
Corby Anderson

Book review: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, & Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle
Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry

Traipsing through a minefield: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle

I received the novel Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle in the mail a few weeks back, book rate. It arrived in a plain, brown wrapper. My wife handed it to me with a knowing glance. I should have kno...more
Dann LaGratta
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed was sent to me by Lance Carbuncle, the author, after he offered to send them (FOR FREE!)to people to review them for him. I am a complete whore for anything free. Ask my collection of found McDonald's toys. Ask my Mexican cartoon cactus with a Bible verse on the back. Ask the plastic fetus hanging by a shoelace from my doorknob. I love free shit.

Anyway, so I received SSSCC&S in the mail a few days ago. I stopped reading Infinite Jest...more
Robert Beveridge
Lance Carbuncle, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed (VBW Publishing, 2007)

Yeah, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed is a self-published novel, and yeah, it has most of the hallmarks of the self-published novel (a certain laxness in proofreading, verbiage that could have benefited from a professional editor, a rather silly cover, and a name-- which, by the by, refers to a type of breakfast potato, which I now must try-- that's truly awful). But as fa...more
Leah
Mar 12, 2008 Leah rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: weirdos and awesome people
Smashed is a fun, road trip, adventure that has something horrid or hilarious around every turn. The protagonist is a vulgar, anti-hero, who manages to be likable, mainly due to his intense, but pure love for his dog, Idgit Galoot, from whom he has been separated.

It is the quest to be reunited with Galoot that motivates the protagonist forward, stumbling from one misadventure to the next, where he encounters a cast of quirky characters and obstacles ranging from arrest for suspected necrophilia...more
Sam
Dec 13, 2008 Sam rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Anyone who wants a good, hearty laugh
Do not read this book if you can't deal with large, nearly OD amounts of R-rated themes/language/pretty much everything else. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed (I remembered the name!) is shamelessly hilarious and stops at nothing to neglect a boring moment. Without a shadow of a doubt, if you read this book, you will laugh and you will laugh hard. Yes, some of the irreverency can be passed off as juvenile, and the ending seems a little...out there, but it's all good, an...more
Brooke
Dec 15, 2007 Brooke rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: those who like offbeat humor
What a rare and awesome thing it is to find a book that sucks you in from the start with hilariously off-color humor, ushers you along with its off-beat momentum and kicks you out on the last page jonesin' for another fix.

The characters in this book were well-defined and colorful. The main character, a simpleton-like, doltish character goes on an unbelievably gut-splitting adventure to find the love of his life - his basset hound. This book's just as much about the journey as it is about the end...more
Logan
Nov 21, 2008 Logan rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: EVERYONE
Recommended to Logan by: Lori Hettler
Shelves: fiction
This book made me laugh so hard that I got kicked out of bed. I don't know of any higher praise I could give it than that.

If you're not interested in canine spirit guides, clubfooted blues musicians, exploding sombreros, people who keep the frozen poop of rockstars in their freezers, trying to escape a hurricane in a weinermobile or French-Canadian women and the skunk apes that love them, then this is probably not the book for you. Then again, if none of the above interests you, you may want to...more
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Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed (Kindle Edition)
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed (Paperback)
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The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic lit...more
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“People who don't know me well enough might say I'm delusional and paranoid, but they're just out to get me.” 40 people liked it
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