Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

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Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

by Lance Carbuncle (Goodreads Author)

3.65 of 5 stars 3.65 · rating details · 487 ratings · 159 reviews

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunke...more

Paperback, 267 pages

Published August 1st 2007 by Virtualbookworm.com Publishing

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May 18, 2008 Andersen Prunty rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Readers of Confederacy of Dunces, Youth in Revolt, Christopher Moore

The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc., is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin... The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable for...more The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc., is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin... The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable for me. In his travels from Ohio to Florida, his descriptions of the characters he meets along the way couldn’t be more accurate. He describes these people and the reader immediately identifies. Here are just a couple:

On barmaid Ramona: “The barmaid approaches. She has red hair, a black eye, and yellow teeth.”

On Cousin Denny: “Denny is always full of advice. In his small mind he is all-knowing and all-wise. If you’re doing something, Denny will tell you how you should do it. If you bought something, he’ll tell you ten reasons why you shouldn’t have gotten that one. He’s sometimes the kind of guy that would crap on your birthday cake and tell you that he’s doing you a favor.”

On Buddy: “Buddy looks different. Like life has beaten him down. His beard is gone, replaced by a five o’clock shadow that stops near the top of his cheeks like a facial hair timberline: there is a clear demarcation just before the bags under his eyes. Without the facial hair it looks as if somebody has pushed his chin back into his neck. [...:] Buddy is bent over, shoulders hunching up as if he is trying to avoid being hit, his posture making him look like a giant question mark.”

I liked this book the second I started reading it and my affection only grew as I read more. Many books that make attempts at humor, while not really failing as a book, do not make me laugh. This had me laughing throughout. And if Carbuncle wasn’t able to make me laugh through the weirdness of his situations/characters, he was able to go for pure bathroom humor and write about poop and vomit with hearty gusto. Cheers to you, Carbuncle! This book is worth reading just to find out how he ends up with Bruce Dickinson’s poo. I would also recommend it to anyone who likes CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES or YOUTH IN REVOLT.
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Sep 25, 2008 Lori rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: fricken-awesome, signed-by-author, most-interesting-title, arc-reviewers-copy

This is a hilarious debute novel about a 30-something year old guy, messed up from years of drug use, who lives at home with his mom, his catarac-inflicted, nose repelling, lumpy bodied basset hound, and his stuffed Daddy, and the amazingly action-packed road trip he embarks upon.

Madness. Mayhem. Hitchhiking Christian Terrorists. Crazy Pedros. An exploding sombrero. Ziplocked frozen poo. A Clubfoot musician who never stops playing his guitar. And his faithful dog Idjit, relaying important inform...more

like 10 likes · see review

Oct 11, 2008 C.B. rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who needs to laugh

Recommended to C.B. by: Lance Carbuncle

In a time when people see through their ears and think with their emotions, a view through the fractured looking glass is all the more welcome. Carbuncle delivers in high Tsunami form as he stomps, swaggers, and sways into the limelight with the bitches in tow and the balls of a sumo sailor. And how he does this with the absolute simplicity of a true master is achieved by the simplest and most expedient of means: humor. When we meet the main character we are mildly impressed by his seemly unimpr...more

like 4 likes · see review

Aug 27, 2009 JSou rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: funny-stuff, fiction, i-own-you, signed-by-author

This book rocked. It really was one of the funniest books I have ever read. I pretty much tore through this since it was impossible to put down. The narrator in this book has one of the craziest adventures I've ever read, and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing. At the same time, I was surprised to find how oddly touching the story turned out to be.

I mean really, how awesome is it to find references to skullets, mud-butt, and Chuck Liddell all in one book? Now that's perfection...more

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Oct 17, 2008 Bobbie Crawford-McCoy rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Yes

Shelves: books-that-i-own, all-reviews, fiction-reviews

Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed,
Written By: Lance Carbuncle
Published By: Lance Carbuncle (VBW, Self-Published), Tampa, Florida, 2007, 267 pages, paperback, ISBN 978-1-60264-043-6

“Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed is a drunken, psychedelic joyride for those of us with a really warped sense of humour”BCM

As an unmarried, 35 year old man who lives in his mother’s basement, you’d think he has enough problems already. The added bonus of being unemployed, singl...more

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Aug 31, 2008 L. Brooks rated it 4 of 5 stars

You'll never look at hash browns in the same way again...

When you see a title like "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed", you're almost afraid to read the book. Afraid that the story might live up to the somewhat revolting imagery that its title implies. As a matter of fact, Lance Carbuncle's title is almost a challenge. "I dare you to read this book!"

And so I did, not being one to back down when challenged. And the book delivers on its promise. At times I actually did thr...more

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Aug 19, 2008 Treplovski rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: fans of Tim Dorsey and Carl Hiassen

Recommended to Treplovski by: You don't wanna know

Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be?

In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the namel...more

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Mar 22, 2008 Michelle rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone with a strong stomach and a twisted sense of humor

Recommended to Michelle by: Myspace

Shelves: humor-satire

This is one truly hysterical fucked up fantasy that bastardizes not only the Western ideal of heaven but the many indigenous beliefs of the rural South. No one escapes from this ingenious novel unscathed. The protagonist is an eternal man-child, Peter Pan in an era of petty crime, cannabis, and casual sex, on a self-appointed mission to rescue his fur covered, flea bitten, loyal and loving best friend from wherever he may be. His buddy, a dog too old to possibly still be continent, escaped on th...more

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Aug 19, 2008 Jennifer rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who needs a laugh or mood elevator :)

Recommended to Jennifer by: other readers of this book

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the most surreal, humorously disgusting book I have read this year, and that's saying a lot since I read about a lot of government conspiracies. Carbuncle does such a good job with the oddly fascinating South of the Border that by the middle of the book I was aching to be a Pablo. It was riveting, like Twin Peaks with a lot of extra bodily fluids and bad smells. The cast of misfits in this book will stay in my mind for years to come an...more

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Jun 10, 2008 Euni rated it 5 of 5 stars

Can't. Get. Clean.

Wow!!! This is a whole lotta messiness with no cleanliness in sight. I loved it!!!! It reminded me of the 70's when my brother and cousins used to get f*&%$# up. They had adventures such as this, but I never believed them. Who knew that things could get that bad. I never did. Dr. Rev. Carbuncle, you are on sick man. I love you. I was in awe with all the gory details of what happens to this guy trying to get back to his dog. The fact that you went through towns in Florida th...more

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Jun 26, 2008 Clynn22 rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: EVERYONE

Recommended to Clynn22 by: PEOPLE WHO LEFT RAVE REVIEWS

Hilarious! I really didn’t have the time to start reading it but decided to read the first couple of pages – before I knew it I was on chapter 10! The next few nights I neglected everything just to finish reading the book. On the first night my husband saw how far I got and he insisted he read it next. This will definitely be a book that I give out for birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza to those who I know will like the sick, inappropriate, twisted and demented humor that this book provid...more

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Nov 07, 2008 Norm rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: perverts and weirdos

Recommended to Norm by: dunno

If you like sick twisted humor ... think Hunter S. Thompson meets Carl Hiaasen for pizza, drinks and mebbe an hallucinogen or two ... you'll really like this fable.

Fortunately, I like sick twisted humor.

With nimble word-speak and a gift for the ridiculous, the aptly named Lance Carbuncle will take you on a journey as fun and offbeat as "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?"

I'm sure there were some morals in the story, but I have to admit I missed them entirely... but that's okay.

Read... enjoy ... lose...more

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Mar 06, 2011 Lea rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: acquired-2011, read-2011, favorites, love-the-cover, bizarro, reviews

Lance Carbuncle's lunatic genius is on brilliant display in this book, which has one of my favourite covers ever. (My kids also really enjoyed my pantomime explanation of what "spewed" meant -- thanks, Lance.)

Bassett Hound Idjit Galoot (my husband's new nickname, BTW) has run off right when his owner has packed up to move to Florida. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his beloved dog.

And what a quest it is -- along the way he encou...more Lance Carbuncle's lunatic genius is on brilliant display in this book, which has one of my favourite covers ever. (My kids also really enjoyed my pantomime explanation of what "spewed" meant -- thanks, Lance.)

Bassett Hound Idjit Galoot (my husband's new nickname, BTW) has run off right when his owner has packed up to move to Florida. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his beloved dog.

And what a quest it is -- along the way he encounters the craziest assortment of characters you would ever hope to meet between the covers of a book, including a legendary blues guitarist, a succubus, backwoods taxidermists, and possibly a skunk ape.

One of my favourite parts is when the Pedros wreak havoc on a kitschy tourist attraction, setting off a manhunt for the "terrorists" responsible. It was funny to see the narrator's quirky bad luck, and the snowballing effect as the authorities level ever more serious (and ridiculous) charges against them. This definitely felt like a statement on the current climate of fear we live in. (Plus, I just love the Pedros! I had a great deal of fun trying to think of a Pedro name for myself, but mine were all pretty wimpy -- Soccer Mom Pedro, PMS Pedro . . . That way-over-the-top brutally honest mocking humour towards friends is really "guy" territory.)

The remarkable part of this book is that there is a real sweetness to it. Even though any or all of the characters -- including the narrator -- could be grotesque in another setting, here they aren't. They're joyful and kind, all of them willing to help reunite a man with his doggy soul mate.

I couldn't help thinking, while I was reading this, that I was probably missing a lot of interesting references -- if only I had read The Odyssey, I thought, I would probably be loving this book even more! No matter -- it's a terrific read, even if you haven't read the classics.

I would definitely recommend this for anyone willing to take a chance on something a bit different, especially if your humour runs toward the absurd. (And if it doesn't, you probably wouldn't be asking me to recommend a book to you anyway.)

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Dec 02, 2007 Carrie Faye rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: all

Read it now!
One day I had a myspace friend request from an author promoting his self published novel via la internet. I was highly intrigued from the title of said book alone, THEN it turns out the story is FANTASTIC, Sr. Carbuncle seems to be an überswell guy, and now I am on a mission to recommend this book to friends near and far. Bravo Mr. Carbuncle and BRAVO to all who grab a copy before they're gone!

like 2 likes · see review

Sep 09, 2008 Lei Lani rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is hilarious for anyone who lived through the last few decades (non-inclusive!) A wilder, gut-busting ride with a basset hound couldn't be detailed any better. I usually give books for gifts, and try to stick to what the recipient would read, but this was on my 'got to give it to most who know me' list, just so they would have some insight on what I think is good, (not-so) clean fun.

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Apr 18, 2008 Steve rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book will drive you mad. Not really but it could. I could not put it down, and as a result almost lost my job. Its that good. Its likable characters and dislikable ones will keep you hooked page by page. Personally, I can not wait to read the follow up. SSSCCS is a future classics. One I'll be reading as a bedtime story for my future children. Therapy, here they come!!!!!!!

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Feb 23, 2009 Georg rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: english, humour

Usually I don't like books containing (i) dreams, (ii) pets and (iii) talking animals. So why four stars and not the minus three stars it deserves according to these rules?

Because (i) the pet only appears in dreams, (ii) the pet (sometimes) speaks in a scottish accent and (iii) for the first time I got a plausible explanation for the term "defenestration".

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Jul 13, 2008 robin clinansmith rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who loves to laugh and read all at once

Recommended to robin by: lance carbuncle & his legion of fans

Wow! What a wonderful wild and wacky ride. I had a slight sense of dread as I neared the final pages, as I knew I was about to leave a group of people that I had grown to enjoy hanging out with.
We should all be so lucky as to stumble across such colorful characters!

like 2 likes · see review

Dec 31, 2007 Bradley added it

The author asked me to write a blurb. This is it: ""Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."

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Aug 26, 2008 Tina rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: People with a sense of humour who don't vomit easily.

Recommended to Tina by: Lance Carbuncle

A highly irreverent, troubling, hilarious, vocabulary boosting, road trip, carnivale, extravaganza... To keep it short and sweet: Excellent!
Read it! May it make your black heart smile like mine.

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Apr 19, 2013 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: bad-boys, made-me-lol, bizarro, hugs-not-drugs

Let’s face it: a great majority of books claiming to be funny really are not. I’m talking about real laughter, not guttural chuckles at marginally humorous observations. So I had some reservations when I read reviews of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed claiming how funny it was. I was completely wrong! This book is a hilarious thrill ride that really took me for head spin. SSSCCS is about a 30-something year old dude living in his mother’s basement. He loves heavy metal,...more

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Nov 26, 2009 Roxie rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: books-2009, five-stars

I didn't know what to think of the Book when i got it and i kinda put off reading it for a while although i don't know why.

I seriously think its one of my favourite books of the year and its hard to say why without spoiling the book but its just awesome from start to finish.

It reminded me alot of fear and loathing in las vegas and pretty much every road trip movie/book going it has that same feeling of they're never going get what they want in the end but you'll go along for the ride anyways....more

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Nov 14, 2008 Betty rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Anyone who likes to laugh

Recommended to Betty by: Saw it on GoodReads

A laugh a minute! For those who have ever felt "chewed up and spit out!"

When I saw that a GoodReads friend had written a book with this unlikely title, I just had to learn more about the book AND the author. I was hooked simply from reading the author's bio, and knew if anyone could pull off a book like this, Lance Carbuncle could. He reminds me a lot of Kurt Vonnegut with a touch of Tim Dorsey tossed in...but with his own distinctive voice.

Have you ever felt like the world had chewed you up an...more A laugh a minute! For those who have ever felt "chewed up and spit out!"

When I saw that a GoodReads friend had written a book with this unlikely title, I just had to learn more about the book AND the author. I was hooked simply from reading the author's bio, and knew if anyone could pull off a book like this, Lance Carbuncle could. He reminds me a lot of Kurt Vonnegut with a touch of Tim Dorsey tossed in...but with his own distinctive voice.

Have you ever felt like the world had chewed you up and spit you out? Silly question, because everyone has days like that, I'm sure. It was just one of those days when I decided to read this book.

And thus I embarked on a Fun House adventure that was like a cross between the movie "Dumb and Dumber" and the TV show "Twin Peaks." Be sure you're seated (or lying down) when reading this book; if not you'll fall over with laughter. I would have ROTFLMAO if I could have, but I didn't want any fractured bones so I doubled over and held my sides instead. This bumbling character Carbuncle has created goes from one genuinely ridiculous situation to another.

If you're into the bizarre, like dark, twisted humor and pop-culture references, you must embark on this zany road trip from Ohio to Florida with Carbuncle's very realistic character, a thirty-five-year-old mentally imbalanced metal-head who lives in his mother's basement.

The story in a nutshell: Our hero's mother sends him ahead to scout out new living quarters in Florida, and that's when the hilarity begins. Our anti-hero takes along his equally brain-dead cousin Denny, and they meet a cast of misfits along the way who are even weirder than them ... well, almost. ... His true love is an old Basset hound named Idjit Galoot; mayhem ensues when he learns the dog has run away. The dream sequences when not only Idjit but his dear, dead Daddy visit him with life-saving advice are among the funniest in the book. Does our hero ever find Idjit? How does his long-deceased father's corpse get in the van? What happens when the police discover the body? And how does he end up with Bruce Dickinson's poo?

I told you it's twisted, folks...but what lovable, insane characters!

One reviewer called it "humorously disgusting," so if you object to words like poop and vomit, don't read this book, but if you can handle that, I promise you the road trip of your life.

Highly recommended to anyone who needs a good, twisted, dark kind of laugh, which is just about everyone nowadays!

Reviewed by Betty Dravis, November 2008
http://bettydravisauthor.googlepages....
author of "Millennium Babe: The Prophecy"
"The Toonies Invade Silicon Valley"
"1106 Grand Boulevard"(less)

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Oct 19, 2008 Corby Anderson rated it 5 of 5 stars

Book review: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, & Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle
Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry

Traipsing through a minefield: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle

I received the novel Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, by Lance Carbuncle in the mail a few weeks back, book rate. It arrived in a plain, brown wrapper. My wife handed it to me with a knowing glance. I should have kno...more

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Jan 12, 2008 Dann LaGratta rated it 4 of 5 stars

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed was sent to me by Lance Carbuncle, the author, after he offered to send them (FOR FREE!)to people to review them for him. I am a complete whore for anything free. Ask my collection of found McDonald's toys. Ask my Mexican cartoon cactus with a Bible verse on the back. Ask the plastic fetus hanging by a shoelace from my doorknob. I love free shit.

Anyway, so I received SSSCC&S in the mail a few days ago. I stopped reading Infinite Jest...more

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Jan 29, 2008 Robert Beveridge rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: owned-and-still-own, finished

Lance Carbuncle, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed (VBW Publishing, 2007)

Yeah, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed is a self-published novel, and yeah, it has most of the hallmarks of the self-published novel (a certain laxness in proofreading, verbiage that could have benefited from a professional editor, a rather silly cover, and a name-- which, by the by, refers to a type of breakfast potato, which I now must try-- that's truly awful). But as fa...more

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Mar 12, 2008 Leah rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: weirdos and awesome people

Smashed is a fun, road trip, adventure that has something horrid or hilarious around every turn. The protagonist is a vulgar, anti-hero, who manages to be likable, mainly due to his intense, but pure love for his dog, Idgit Galoot, from whom he has been separated.

It is the quest to be reunited with Galoot that motivates the protagonist forward, stumbling from one misadventure to the next, where he encounters a cast of quirky characters and obstacles ranging from arrest for suspected necrophilia...more

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Dec 13, 2008 Sam rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Anyone who wants a good, hearty laugh

Do not read this book if you can't deal with large, nearly OD amounts of R-rated themes/language/pretty much everything else. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed (I remembered the name!) is shamelessly hilarious and stops at nothing to neglect a boring moment. Without a shadow of a doubt, if you read this book, you will laugh and you will laugh hard. Yes, some of the irreverency can be passed off as juvenile, and the ending seems a little...out there, but it's all good, an...more

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Dec 15, 2007 Brooke rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: those who like offbeat humor

Shelves: absurdist-fiction

What a rare and awesome thing it is to find a book that sucks you in from the start with hilariously off-color humor, ushers you along with its off-beat momentum and kicks you out on the last page jonesin' for another fix.

The characters in this book were well-defined and colorful. The main character, a simpleton-like, doltish character goes on an unbelievably gut-splitting adventure to find the love of his life - his basset hound. This book's just as much about the journey as it is about the end...more

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Nov 21, 2008 Logan rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: EVERYONE

Recommended to Logan by: Lori Hettler

Shelves: fiction

This book made me laugh so hard that I got kicked out of bed. I don't know of any higher praise I could give it than that.

If you're not interested in canine spirit guides, clubfooted blues musicians, exploding sombreros, people who keep the frozen poop of rockstars in their freezers, trying to escape a hurricane in a weinermobile or French-Canadian women and the skunk apes that love them, then this is probably not the book for you. Then again, if none of the above interests you, you may want to...more

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About Lance Carbuncle

The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic lit...more

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“People who don't know me well enough might say I'm delusional and paranoid, but they're just out to get me.” — 40 people liked it

“They are not unattractive in the sense that I am drunk and they likely have female genitalia.” — 5 people liked it

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