Without You: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and the Musical Rent

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Without You: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and the Musical Rent

by Anthony Rapp (Goodreads Author)

3.99 of 5 stars 3.99 · rating details · 2,421 ratings · 281 reviews

Anthony Rapp captures the passion and grit unique to the theatre world as he recounts his life-changing experience in the original cast of the Pulitzer Prize-winning musical Rent.

Anthony had a special feeling about Jonathan Larson's rock musical from his first audition, so he was thrilled when he landed a starring role as the filmmaker Mark Cohen. With his mom's cancer

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Paperback, 320 pages

Published October 31st 2006 by Simon & Schuster (first published February 7th 2006)

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Jan 06, 2009 Cathy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography, non-fiction, read-in-2009

Very good. I was inspired to read it because I'm going to see Rent this weekend, starring original Broadway (and movie) cast members Rapp and Adam Pascal. Rapp was very open and honest in this book, sharing primarily his memories of his journey as one of the original members of the Rent cast, through Jonathan Larson's death and opening on Broadway, and most of all through his mother's life and death. Having lost my mother to cancer as well, I really identified with a lot of what he went through....more

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Mar 21, 2008 Faith-Anne rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: autobiographies-and-biographies, non-fiction, theatre-books

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Nov 03, 2009 Erin rated it 3 of 5 stars

I met Anthony at summer camp and we only really chatted once. Even then, I think everyone recognized his incredible talent and so he had a reputation of being one of the kids who was going to make it really big. I also remember both the guys he talked about in the book - Ben was so funny and I remember him always cracking us up. He was always on the edge and even then I worried for him because despite being totally hilarious, he seemed, well... too close to the edge. It was so sad to hear the st...more

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Aug 14, 2008 Stacy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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May 19, 2008 Jillian rated it 3 of 5 stars

Let me preface this review by saying that I absolutely love the musical Rent...and I've loved it for a long time. In fact, although I'm certainly not as hardcore as some Rentheads, I've even seen the musical three times.

That being said, I found the actual writing of this memoir almost painful to digest...perhaps for the simple fact that Anthony Rapp is an actor, and a very talented one at that. But he's not a writer. And while I found his stories about how he became involved in Rent, his strugg...more

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Mar 20, 2013 Ellen Cohen rated it 5 of 5 stars

Perhaps it's best to preface this by saying that I have had in the past year the pleasure, privilege and honor of getting to know the author of this book. Anthony, aside from being an actor of immense talent and accomplishment, is eloquent, intelligent and has a heart of gold. I speak so highly of his personality in this review only to go on and say that it shows in the heartfelt nature of his memoir.

The book reads incredibly quickly; it's just that good. The raw emotion keeps coming and coming,...more Perhaps it's best to preface this by saying that I have had in the past year the pleasure, privilege and honor of getting to know the author of this book. Anthony, aside from being an actor of immense talent and accomplishment, is eloquent, intelligent and has a heart of gold. I speak so highly of his personality in this review only to go on and say that it shows in the heartfelt nature of his memoir.

The book reads incredibly quickly; it's just that good. The raw emotion keeps coming and coming, and pushes you to keep reading. But what's most astounding about the book's raw emotion is its flat-out honesty, without fear of telling truths, even if they're ugly. I think it's rare for a show business memoir to be as up front and honest as this, while at the same time being so intensely personal. Anthony's not afraid to bare his faults, a brave and admirable leap. Anthony's voice throughout the book is gentle and accessible, only adding to the book's readability.

It's rare to read a book and to actively feel. There's a finite difference between recognizing emotion in a story and actually, truly feeling for it. When you read any story, you can recognize it as a happy one or a sad one, but it's another step entirely to actively experience the impacts of those emotions -- to laugh and to cry as your turn the pages. Without You doesn't only simply ask its readers for such a cathartic response; it commands it.

Catharsis in tragedy brings to the fore the notion of universality. When I bought my copy of Without You, the person who helped me find it at the store said "oh, is that the Rent guy?" Sure, Anthony's "the Rent guy," and yes, this book unlocks so many secrets that many Rent fans can only wish they had been part of, as Anthony puts into words so many things about the beloved show that fans -- myself included -- long to be able to express. But the Rent connection is far from all there is to be found here, and impact is not contingent upon familiarity with the show. The focus of the book is Anthony's loss of his mother, after her long, hard battle with cancer. Anthony's voice in his book puts this on a level so personal that not only is it a book for anyone who has experienced loss, but a book simply not to be missed. Even if you haven't experienced a loss of that magnitude, you will find something in this book of which to grab hold -- something that will cause you to re-evaluate your choices, past and present.

Art's job is to hold a mirror to reality; this book is art made of a reality, making the mirror image that much clearer. I don't hesitate to assert that people will take this moving, well-written book to heart. Check it out -- you will not regret it.(less)

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Aug 01, 2012 Skyla rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Fans of the musical Rent

Recommended to Skyla by: Anthony Rapp

Shelves: autobiography, broadway, lgbt

For the music that definied a generation...Thank you Jonathan Larson

I am little young to have been part of the generation defined by the music of Rent but I cannot deny that Rent has been a huge part of my life.

I know all the words to all the songs. I wore out my first copy of the film and I have the DVD of the last show done on Broadway and I have seen it live with Heinz Winckler as Roger. The message this play sends, the music, the love, the heartbreak has helped define me as a person so...more

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May 04, 2012 Jodie-Lee rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: favorites

As a usually sceptical reader of memoirs and biographies I was surprised at myself when I giddily ordered Anthony Rapp's book. Surprising myself further I read it in 2 days, refusing to put it down.

The most striking thing about Rapp's book is the sheer love that it is written with. The overwhelming affection seems almost tangible as it seeps through the pages. Anthony has a knack for giving life, even when it's at its bleakest, that fairy-tale feeling that we all crave.
Fairy-tale though it may s...more As a usually sceptical reader of memoirs and biographies I was surprised at myself when I giddily ordered Anthony Rapp's book. Surprising myself further I read it in 2 days, refusing to put it down.

The most striking thing about Rapp's book is the sheer love that it is written with. The overwhelming affection seems almost tangible as it seeps through the pages. Anthony has a knack for giving life, even when it's at its bleakest, that fairy-tale feeling that we all crave.
Fairy-tale though it may seem, there is something intrinsically human about the Memoir. We are presented with the authors' innermost emotions; admiration, embarrasment, disillusionment and perhaps the most poignantly expressed: guilt. Anthony's guilt (although not entirely warranted) is completely heartwrenching for any reader, particularly those who can relate to circumstance. And it's a guilt he is faced with repeatedly through the book in no small measure. Guilt for his mother, guilt for Ben, guilt for circumstances that he has never been able to control. I think we can all empathise with this, can we not?

Mr Rapp's book has been possibly one of the most cathartic experiences of my life; be it because of the striking similarities between the myself and the author, because of my issues with my own family and my sexuality or because of my previous experience with HIV and AIDS, nevertheless this book was, I feel, exactly what I needed.

It's difficult to truly express my love of this book without risking any spoilers for those that haven't yet read it. But if there is anyone teatering on the fence as to whether or not they should read this, I'd simply scream at them not to hesitate! This book is one of the most beautiful that I have ever read, an instant favourite and a refreshing and passionate addition to my bookshelf.

I'd like to thank Mr Rapp for this book. As I've said, it's been extremely cathartic for me and I feel so much gratitude to him that it's nigh inexpressible. Mr Rapp, thank you.

Anthony Rapp

Jodie-Lee Linley(less)

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Jul 30, 2011 Rebecca rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: tv

This book has been bouncing around in my head and I am sure it's on a list of mine somewhere and I don't know what prompted me to finally request it now. Oh well. This is another autobio from the original actor to play Mark in the musical RENT. I quit enjoyed the musical. I saw it in LA when NPH played Mark. Everyone my age in LA remembers that. I never saw it on Broadway. I was sad when I was overseas and saw it was closing because seeing the original cast preform it was sort of on my bucket li...more

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Mar 20, 2011 Mary Catherine rated it 4 of 5 stars

Memoirs that recount the loves and losses of a person’s life are so numerous; it’s hard to find one
that really yells out, “READ ME!”

Without You, the memoir from original Rent member Anthony Rapp, does not have that problem.

Rapp’s recount of his failed relationships, the loss of his mother, and the birth of the hit Broadway musical Rent is filled with courage, fear, happiness, and sadness. Yet, despite the overtones of death and sorrow, Rapp fills in the spaces with humor and uplifting warmth.

Dur...more

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Sep 27, 2010 Tracy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

If you're a renthead be warned the book mostly focuses on Rapp's relationship with his mother and family and not about his time working on Rent. I give it four stars because I found myself engrossed in his story about growing up in a family that never communicates. Anthony Rapp is certainly honest in his memoir. Because of this he comes off a bit self-indulgent and self-centered. Everything, even his mother's death, seemed to be about him. However, that's what I sort of liked about the book and...more

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Jun 29, 2012 Marianna rated it 5 of 5 stars

Wow. That was a powerhouse of emotions.

Rapp is a wonderful writer. I could imagine his mother's house, Rachel, Anne, Adam, the workshop of Rent, literally everything. His imagery was precise. I loved glimpsing into his life. Anthony Rapp is so interesting but so, so sad!

As a fan of Rent, it was interesting seeing first the workshop cast to finally the Broadway cast. Seeing Anthony's first reactions to Anthony Pascal, Idina Menzel, etc. I feel the show will mean so much more to me now because of...more

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Aug 25, 2011 Kathrina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoirs-bios, glbt, life-is-a-cabaret

Overshare? Why, yes I will, thank you. For a condensed review: This is a great memoir, not just about Rent, but about grief and love and honesty. For way more information about most-likely-irrelevant-to-you connections I made to my own experience, read here...(view spoiler)...more Overshare? Why, yes I will, thank you. For a condensed review: This is a great memoir, not just about Rent, but about grief and love and honesty. For way more information about most-likely-irrelevant-to-you connections I made to my own experience, read here...(view spoiler)[I was raised on a steady diet of musical theatre. My dad spent most of his career behind the stages of Broadway and off-Broadway productions, and he met my mother in the touring company of Cabaret -- he the stage manager, she a failed actress doomed with a committed heart to the stage, playing a walk-on trombone player in a sexy beaded leotard. By the time I came around Dad had settled in to a stable position with 20th Century Fox, and Mom found her niche in writing and raising me. But most evenings found me and Dad curled up on the chocolate-brown shag carpeting of the den, surrounded by the highest tech audio equipment available in the 1970's, blasting the torch songs of Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, and Carol Channing at their highest volume.
Maybe it goes without saying that Dad was a little eccentric. Always his daughter and eager to please him, I was also a bit of a set-piece for him, dressing me in vintage gowns with ostrich plumes, choreographing sets to "Sam, You Made the Pants to Long" for my gymnastics class, and parading me at cocktail parties filled with theatre/film people I didn't realize were famous at the time. I sometimes think that if the biology had been right, I'd have been a knockout gay boy. It's possible he thought that, too.
I did a lot of theatre in high school and college, even pursued a theatre degree for a few years, and nearly died from anxiety every time Dad showed up for a performance. He was extremely critical with every show he saw, and always blatantly straightforward with his opinions of my performance. I think he was proud of me but also very scared that a life in theatre, a life I told him I wanted, was too fraught with rejection for my sensitive soul to survive. But I knew that when he said I did well, I probably did. Theatre was our connection, and as I continued through school and found other fields to pursue, I always felt closest to him in a theatre, or any room with a musical soundtrack playing through the speakers.
In 1991 he moved to Eastern Europe. A new stage of his life had begun, bringing his eccentric weirdness to the hapless villagers of Transylvania. I missed him terribly. His connection to the theatre world was pretty much severed, and I tried to keep him up to speed with my new favorites. He gave his seal of approval on a few, which made me enjoy them even more -- especially Wicked, the kind-of forgotten now Freudiana, and, of course, Rent.
I like to pepper my netflix queue with a good dose of musical theatre, mostly to relive that connection I had with my father. Rent came in my mailbox last week. I waited for an afternoon when I was alone, afraid that my vulnerability to my dad's memory and the overwhelming heart of the story and music might embarrass me in front of friends and family. True to expectations, I cried as I watched it, then watched the dvd documentary special feature and cried some more. My boyfriend came home and caught me drying my tears. Sweetly, he asked to watch it, too, so I saw it a second time and cried some more, just to be sharing it with someone I love. I knew I had an old used copy of Rapp's memoir on my shelves somewhere, and I dove into it as soon as the credits rolled. No, that's not true. First I had a smoke to compose myself, and my boyfriend did something incredible. He's a really smart and sensitive, thoughful guy, but he almost never talks about movies he's seen or fiction he's read. I think he was raised to feel defensive about his personal feelings and emotional responses, coming from a household with such huge differences of worldview and philosophies. He hates confrontation and the vulnerability of verbalizing emotion, a theme I saw a lot, by the way, in this memoir. Anyway, Aaron came outside and said, "That was beautiful." Of his own free will. He said that, even though his life was nothing like the lives of the characters, he could identify with each one of them. It moved him. His comment moved me.
So the memoir starts with some great behind-the-scenes action of the studio production of Rent and the life of a NY actor. Fun stuff. Then we're introduced to Rapp's family, and his mother's illness takes center stage. As we understand their relationship we also learn about Rapp's attempts to come out to his mother and his early experiences with homosexuality. We frequently return to renthead-mania, as he continues with the off- and on-Broadway run, but it really just syncopates to the story of his mother's long and painful demise and Rapp's struggle with his own grief. I didn't know that's what I was getting in to, and, on this most emotional evening, I began to feel the sorrow of my own father's death. And, because I love to overshare, I'm going to tell you about it:
Dad died in 2006, when I was 33 years old. I lived in Iowa, he lived in Romania. He died of heart failure due to HIV-related complications. I was told he'd died over the phone. He was such a long, long way away, and the news split me in half. I'd been preparing for his death since I was 13, but it didn't make it any easier. Dad contracted HIV sometime in the late '70's. He told me about it in the mid '80's. And, the anomaly that he always is, he miraculously survived for 20 more years, without ever developing AIDS. Who knows what made his chemistry resistant, though he took the drug cocktails available, and allowed doctors to prod and experiment with new drugs and regimens, but his auto-immune system eventually gave up, attacked by circulation problems, heart conditions, severe arthritis, and just a general, undefinable, manic-depressive craziness that conquered his brain. But those were 20 long years of bracing ourselves through every illness, every depression, every doctor's visit with -- this could be it; this could be the end.
It took Rapp's mother a long time to find her peace, and it took Rapp a lifetime, as well. Rapp writes so honestly and nakedly about his love, his fears, his faults, that I felt right there with him. His writing gets a bit flowery, with all kinds of energy and electricity flowing and jolting and careening through his body at every opportunity, but I didn't mind so much. As an actor, he's very plugged in to emotional response, and I enjoyed his visceral descriptions. And I loved, loved his honesty. When he performed well, he told you; when he was a fool, he admitted it. When he kissed a boy, he admitted that, too, and his example of living honestly and bravely will be just the right medicine for a generation of readers, once they realize that this is not just a book about a musical. (hide spoiler)]
(less)

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Aug 22, 2009 Sarah Arant rated it 1 of 5 stars

My advice to Anthony Rapp would be to stick to acting and not writing. Either that, or don't be ambiguous about the contents of what he is writing.
This book should not have included "and the Musical Rent" in the title, because I honestly felt that he touched very little on the subject. I was under the impression upon going into this book that it would have been more focused on his time working with the show, especially since he was there since the start, and his experience through it all and NO...more

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Aug 03, 2012 Kim rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

About a year ago, I watched the musical RENT. I'd heard good things about it, and it seemed intriguing from the pictures and gifs I'd seen on Tumblr. I instantly fell in love with it and the message that it shared, and, as I usually do when I find a new obsession, I spent many nights reading up on the Broadway musical and the cast members.

RENT is an amazing musical about living life to the fullest and without regret. Unfortunately, the musical's writer, Jonathan Larson, unexpectedly died the nig...more

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Apr 30, 2010 Shannon (shananagins) Jones rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was really interesting. Rent opened on Broadway when I was in high school. I was a theatre kid and I remember hearing all about this amazing show, and how it was revolutionizing musical theatre. I didn't get to see it or several years until the touring production came to Texas. I've seen it several times now, and have listened to the original cast recording so many times I have it practically memorized.

I really enjoyed reading about the development of the show, and the backstage stories. I...more

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Jan 17, 2010 Kerry rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: everything, non-fiction

I saw Without You on a recent trip to Borders and had to buy it. Rent is one of my all time favorite Broadway shows and Mark is a character that has always resonated with me. In addition to that, Anthony Rapp has always been the quintessential Mark, at least in my experience, so I was interested in hearing what he had to say. Now that I have read it, I have to say that it was bit of a mixed experience for me.

On the one hand, Rapp gives the reader incredible glimpses into the evolution and exper...more

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Jul 22, 2011 Amanda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Having just finished this book about 30 seconds ago, I couldn't decide whether to rate it 4 or 5 stars. I will list what I loved and what I didn't love as much, and you can decide if this book is for you.

In all honesty, I wasn't crazy about the incredibly detailed descriptions of his sexual encounters. I believe some private things should be kept private, so that was difficult to read (though I wouldn't recommend skipping these pages, because you may miss something important). I also would have...more

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Nov 15, 2011 Stephanie rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book broke my heart. I am a huge Broadway fan, especially of Rent, and what inspired me to read this was of course the journey of the show and cast itself. This was the very first memoir I have ever purchased and it reminded me why I steer away from them. This was the first book to ever bring me to tears. Anthony's story of the making, breaking and strength of a family rocked me and brought me back to my theater days. Not only is he talented on film and stage, he also does well on paper. He...more

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Mar 02, 2012 Emily rated it 5 of 5 stars

I don't usually enjoy memoirs. There's always a disconnect between the person and myself, it's as though someone is always standing somewhere in the distance, telling me their story with so much exaggerated emotion that I become so lost in how they feel, I don't understand how they actually are.

This one was different, way different. Imagine sitting in a bar or pub, or even a trendy little cafe. It's not too loud; it's the middle of the week, so not too many people are there. You sit at a small t...more

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Dec 27, 2010 Mandie rated it 5 of 5 stars

The first time I got the chance to meet Anthony Rapp two days before my 21st birthday and I will never forget the memory I had finally being able to meet someone who inspired me! I love this book! The fact that one person, who was involved with the musical all the way through workshop is incredible because he got to see the musical being written, things added or taken away from context. His inspiration has helped me to overcome the fears of the unknown, be all that I can be, but also to never gi...more

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Apr 09, 2013 Izzy rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book has been on my list for about a year now and I was so excited to read it. The first thing that hit me was how good the writing was from the very first chapter. Sometimes when someone has such a gift as Rapp has as an actor, it's easy to forget that there is a lot more to them than just that. The narration was so clear I could picture everything and for an autobiography/memoir it's amazing how many conversations were remembered and recorded throughout the course of the book.
I will admi...more

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Feb 06, 2009 Stephanie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir-bio-abio

I love Rent and I love Anthony Rapp. I just saw the show for the umpteenth time because he toured with Adam Pascal. I first saw the show in NYC, but the originals were already gone (1998). What a duo. I wish the entire original cast would regroup for a tour...I would pay big bucks to see them all, especially Idina, Adam, Mark, Jesse, and Taye.

I enjoyed the insight into Rapp's life, but mostly enjoyed the morsels about the start of Rent and the evolution of the show. I think only true fans of Re...more

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Mar 04, 2009 Jessica rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2009

I was so impressed with the way Anthony Rapp weaved in the story of his mom's cancer with his time in Rent, I loved his descriptions of the show, and I was impressed with his writing. I loved every second of reading this book, even if it wasn't perfect.

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Jan 08, 2010 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

I loved it. It was a birthday present from my husband who knows I love Rent so thought I might enjoy this. I suppose I can understand some of the reviewers who were unhappy that the book wasn't more Rent-focused, but I think I enjoyed the book more because it wasn't as I felt like it was more than a rehash of his years associated with the musical...the guy is more than 'that guy from Rent' after all.

Having had some similar experiences to Rapp in terms of dealing with a very ill parent, perhaps I...more

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May 10, 2009 Lori rated it 5 of 5 stars

I decided to read this after Alyssa and I traveled to Pittsburgh to see
Rent and had the opportunity to meet Anthony Rapp. We ran to the stage door immediately following the show hoping that there was a small chance he would come out to sign autographs. He came out and he was so gracious with his time. The book reads as a very candid, heart felt story about the beautiful relationship that Anthony had with his mother and the heart wrenching emotions he dealt with as she battled cancer. Of course...more

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Nov 26, 2012 Stephanie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Let me start by saying that I absolutely love the musical Rent. I have seen it 3 times on Broadway and one time with the traveling group in Austin. The music was my anthem the first time I moved to NYC back in 2006. Absolutely love it.

Anthony's memoir is very honest and moving. It is fair to say that the memoir is about his life around the time he began in Rent, his mother's illness, his dating woes, being gay in NYC etc, so it isn't just about Rent, but there was plenty around Rent though.

The o...more

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Oct 07, 2010 Kori Talbot rated it 5 of 5 stars

If you are looking for a sanitized memoir full of stale excuses and mundane scenes from a life, this is probably not the book for you. In "Without You", Anthony Rapp takes an unflinching look at himself, the loss of his mother, grief, his relationships, and sexuality - with his clear goal being honesty and healing. The backdrop for all this is, of course, Rapp's lead role in the smash Broadway musical 'Rent'.
Rapp puts you in his head as he speaks with utter poignancy about his mother, Jonatha...more

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Sep 14, 2010 Sandi Ady rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: auto-bio, non-fiction, on-the-big-screen

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Rent, especially the story behind the play. Reading this book made me feel like I was a part of it. I couldn't put it down and ended up staying up all night to finish it. Anthony Rapp is one of those people I wish I could have dinner with because after reading the book, it feels like we're friends.

Hearing about his mother's struggles with cancer and the way he coped was really interesting to me. I lost my dad to cancer, and hearing someone else's story k...more

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Nov 10, 2009 Shelby rated it 5 of 5 stars

I have been a long-time fan of the actor, Anthony Rapp. Now, I can add that I am a fan of the writer, Anthony Rapp as well. This book gave such a candid look at the life of Anthony Rapp and a great backstory to 'Rent'. I happen to be a BIG fan of backstories. Anything that puts a spin on something I already know and allows me to see it differently is very welcome. Well...providing I like what I see. ;)

I just really, really enjoyed this book and found Rapp's brand of honesty very refreshing. Bein...more

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Rapp first performed on Broadway in 1981 in the flop The Little Prince and the Aviator, a musical based on Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's novel The Little Prince. The show closed during previews. He also appeared in the 1987 movie Adventures in Babysitting, which was directed by Chris Columbus. Columbus would later direct Rapp in the...more

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