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Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children
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Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children

4.1 of 5 stars 4.10  ·  rating details  ·  605 ratings  ·  80 reviews
P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began almost forty years ago as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolving family conflicts so everybody wins.This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world -- and it will wo ...more
Paperback, 384 pages
Published October 31st 2000 by Harmony (first published 1970)
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Community Reviews

(showing 1-30 of 1,367)
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Elisabeth Hurley
Absolutely the best parenting book I've read. It's already had the biggest impact on our lives of any parenting book I've read. And it seems to be the book that all my favorites were based on. Are you a fan of Playful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting, Siblings Without Rivalry, or Raising our Children Raising Ourselves? You'll love this book. Actually if you want to learn specific techniques for parenting and are open to why the traditional model isn't working, you'll love this book. Actually e ...more
Sarah Ford
Although this is a book about parenting, I recommend it to you if you're interested in improving your relationships with everyone.

The premise of the book is that some parents use their power to control their children, while other parents, in order to be liked by their kids or to keep the peace, allow their children to do whatever they want at the expense of their own needs. The author details these scenarios and then offers a third possibility, one in which situations are resolved in ways that
...more
MomToKippy
Read this book many years ago and was thinking of it today. One of the best books I have ever read and as another reviewer said it is life-changing. This book is not really just for parenting, it is for anyone who interacts with other human beings on a regular basis and wants to improve communication in their relationships. I was deeply saddened when Dr. Gordon passed away. Now here's someone that really deserved a nobel peace prize.

"Dr. Thomas Gordon (March 11, 1918 – August 26, 2002) was an Am
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Angiefm
I'm not sure about this one. I think the main methods outlined: Active Listening, using I-messages,and finding solutions together with your children instead of imposing them from above, are good in theory, and I've been using all three. However, the author never really addresses the two issues I grapple with most often: 1. the moment-by-moment corrections of things that aren't a huge deal,but are important (please don't drag that furniture across the floor, could you do that in the potty instead ...more
Judi
This was a life-changing book for me. I read it in conjunction with a class on Parent Effectiveness Training that I took through Luke's elementary school. The course and instructor were excellent - I wish everyone who read the book could have had the same class that I did. However, by just reading the book I think it's possible to improve your relationship with your children and help them to grow up to be the thinking, responsible people that you want them to be. And the relationship concepts Dr ...more
Suebee
Excellent book with many practical examples.

Three main techniques:

Active Listening
When a child presents a problem/concern/expresses something at all, echo back to them what you hear they are FEELING (not just parrot back what they say), no judgement, evaluation, lecture, etc. Just LISTEN and echo back what they say, allowing them to own the problem and come to their own solution. Do not worry if in one listening session a problem is not reached - it is not your problem to solve.

I Messages
"I fee
...more
Bookaholic
În Părintele eficient, Thomas Gordon, un psiholog american de renume, încearcă să combată comportamentul autoritarist al părinților în relație cu copiii și să propună modele de comunicare și de rezolvare a conflictelor care să nu-i frustreze nici pe unii, nici pe alții.

Nu este un adept al unui model de parentaj total permisiv. Spune că cedînd totul și mereu în fața cerințelor copilului, o să crești o persoană care va trăi mereu cu certitudinea că i se cuvine totul, oricînd și necondiționat, o pe
...more
Babak
This is the best parenting book I've ever read. No, strike that. This is the best people's relationship book I've read. I was already a proponent of the philosophy behind the method presented here, namely, avoiding coercion and focusing on solving problems in my relationship with other people. However, when it came to parenting I frequently found myself powerless, confused, and sometimes just utterly helpless in creating such a relationship with my kids. This book cleared a lot of confusing situ ...more
Gloria Denoon
A good solid parenting book. Though written 40 years ago, the issues raised in the book remain critical today.

It has an experiential approach and does not provide much explanations to the "whys" or scientific support -as many current parenting books offer. For instance, it mentions Active Listening. This reminds me the book, The Whole Brain Child -where the author Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson explain the reason why you listen open-mindly and validate your children's feelings is to connect your
...more
Kate Hyde
This may very well be the best parenting book I've ever read. The author provides fantastic advice on how to deal with people - not just your children, but everyone. The author is a strong advocate of using "I-Messages" (ex. "I feel _______ when _________, because _________."), which I think is a great way of communicating with anyone.

I highly recommend this book to any parent, or any person for that matter!
Patricia
I can highly recommend this book for anyone with kids... it gives a third way instead of the authoritarian or permissive parenting.. takes the win lose feeling out of parenting. Already I feel and see a difference in my parenting and behavior of my son and resolving interactions with other kids!
Chanel11
This book isn't just for helping communication between you and your children, this book also helped me communicate and compromise better with my husband, stopped a lot of arguments in their tracks. Can't speak highly enough of it.
Razvan Zamfirescu
Cartea a reusit sa depaseasca toate limitele tolerantei mele. Da, inca o carte care m-a scos din sarite, de data aceasta insa, de pe un alt palier.

1. Autorul prezinta toate banalitatile pe care le stie oricine in straie atat de colorate, incat ai putea crede ca el a inventat pana si regula de a stinge becul inainte de culcare. Da, domnule Gordon, stim ca un copil are nevoie si de jucarii pentru a se juca. "Daca vrea sa se joace cu o revista pe care vrei sa o pastrezi, da-i una pe care nu vrei sa
...more
Jennifer
I had touted Love and Logic parenting for a long time... but then I realized I couldn't implement it effectively, lovingly and in a way where I felt I was being respectful of my children as individuals. I always felt like I was manipulating circumstances and making up natural consequences to make a point. I also didn't like it when they were old enough to turn it around on me or attempt it (incorrectly) on each other (e.g., "Hey, sis, do you want to play with me or do you want me to throw my sho ...more
Neil
This book has already begun changing the way I talk to my three-year-old daughter when I'm frustrated, and I already see a change even if at first it seems like these concepts are for an older child. I think a strong-willed child will take a lot more work, but so far it feels as if this book could work for anyone who is willing to put in the time. Even though my daughter and I have what I would have described as a good relationship, this book has shown me that we have even more room to improve. ...more
Nanette
Since before Lily was born I've been reading parenting books almost ad-nauseum. Perhaps it is because I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, and well, I usually like to know what I am doing. Of all of the parenting books I've read, this is by far my favorite. The premise is actually rather simple, but it kind of blew my mind. The basic idea behind Gordon's method is that using power to control your kids works while they are young and depend on you for pretty much everything. However, as they ...more
Qian
P38
The power of language of acceptance
"His acceptance of the other,as he is,is an important factor in fostering a relationship in which the other person can grow,develop,make constructive changes,learn to solve problems,move in the direction of psychological health,become more productive and creative, and actualize his fullest potential.

P62
"In active listening,the receiver tries to understand what it is the sender is feeling or what his message means.Then he puts his understanding into his own w
...more
Jessica
So much love for this book. It is clear, straightforward, and presents a logical framework for identifying which communication methods are most appropriate for different situations with children. Dr. Gordon systematically breaks down everything you think you know about parenting and instead provides tools with proven effectiveness that promote strong, healthy parent-child relationships. At the core of P.E.T.'s ideas is the notion that a child is a person, which does not sound that revolutionary ...more
Lee Anne
First, a warning: There is a lot of fear-mongering in this book. It's very easy to get the impression that, if you don't interact with your children in the right way, they will wind up dead/pregnant/on drugs/hating you, or at best, indifferent.

That said, the ideas and concepts outlined in this book seem sensible and reasonable. It all hinges on active listening, determining who owns the problem, and working together to brainstorm solutions on which everyone can agree. In that way, the child isn
...more
Krista Eger
Absolute best life-changing parenting book out there! Even of you're not a parent this book teaches you some of the most important life skills. I feel 100% more confident as a parent that I can handle any conflict that arises. My kids are so much more cooperative and calm without manipulation, force, or coercion. Recommend this to absolutely everyone that I know and love!
K
If you've taken a couple of parenting classes, you're probably familiar with the philosophy of this book. It did go into more depth than the parenting classes I've taken have, and it served as a good review of these concepts, but didn't really teach me anything new. I was more inspired by "Liberated Parents Liberated Children," although I also read that at a different stage of my life/parenting/parenting class experience, so that might also be a factor.

It also raised some questions for me about
...more
Starr
i've never read a parenting book. this book isn't just about parenting, it is about communicating effectively. i really enjoyed it, i think anyone willing to read it with an open mind could benefit from the techniques introduced. definitely hit home with regard to why i distanced myself from my mom as soon as possible!
Michaela
Fantastic book! I would recommend this to everyone, kids or no kids. I have tried this method with some of my friends and it worked great. I wish all parents would read this before having children...
Jess George
I liked how this was a more clearly organized version of the ideas presented in "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." I felt like I was threatening my 4-year-old son a lot ("If you don't do X, I'll take away Y" sort-of-thing) in order to motivate him and this book definitely gave me some perspective and alternative approaches. I've just been using them for a few weeks but so far they've definitely been helping our house run better, and me threaten less.
Alison
Over twenty years ago, my Beehive teacher in Young Woman gave us a lesson on 'active listening' and I have never forgotten it and tried to incorporate it into my daily life. I also learned and remebered that it really helps to avoid fierce fights to never make 'you' statements to someone...only 'I' statements. I didn't realize that these concepts came from this book.
I tried the win/win method of solving conflicts with my 4 year old son, and it only sort-of worked. I taught him how to help me th
...more
Derek Mark Lussier
Great communication skills in general. Defiantly worth while food for thought. I really see a difference starting in my house.
Nic
It was pop culture a few years ago to ask "What would Jesus do?" To my mind, this book is an answer to the question, "What kind of parent would Jesus have been?" It is a painful book to read and to recognize your mistakes, and it is a slow start that does not become meaningful until the end, but I cannot recommend this book highly enough for every parent and any person who works with kids. This should be mandatory reading. I don't know if I am a good enough person to apply the method, but I am c ...more
Leia
This book has one very important idea that really works. Once you get the concept, it seems like the author drones on and on about it. TLDR; this could be a three chapter book. I highly recommend reading the first couple of chapters and skimming until you find parts you want to read. The examples throughout are very worthy.

The P.E.T. technique has really revolutionized the relationship between me and my child.

Warning, the intro makes it sound like this book promote permissive parenting. Don't b
...more
Rachel
WOW!! this book totally blew my mind. i was looking for a book that would make me think about how i want to parent my child. instead, i got a book that taught me even more. this book is amazing! i only hope i can be this kind of parent, friend, boss, citizen of the world. it is way more than a parenting book.
in this book Dr. Thomas Gordon (a Nobel Prize nominee) discusses primarily parent child relationships, the 12 roadblocks of communication, discipline vs. punishment, the problems with praise
...more
Marnette Falley
This book was an eye opener for me, because I found all the conversations I'd had as a kid with my parents outlined in it. Not many people have training in parenthood, so I think a lot of people just do what their parents did.

This is worthwhile communication book for parents. The last time I read it, which was now a couple of years ago, one of my favorite parts was a list of responses that shut down communication from kids and the list of easy openers. I also liked the sections on how to approa
...more
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is it necessary to consider the child as an independent identity? 1 6 Jul 18, 2010 01:27PM  
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  • Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family
  • Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
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  • Power of Play: How Spontaneous, Imaginative Activities Lead to Happier, Healthier Children
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Dr. Thomas Gordon was an American clinical psychologist, student and later colleague of Carl Rogers. He was mainly known for his Gordon Method, primarily a method to improve relationships between parents and children that was later developed into a general communication method to improve all relationships.

Dr. Gordon spent more than 50 years teaching parents, teachers and leaders the model he devel
...more
More about Thomas Gordon...
T.E.T., Teacher Effectiveness Training Leader Effectiveness Training L.E.T.: The Proven People Skills for Today's Leaders Tomorrow Teaching Children Self-Discipline at Home and at School P.E.T. in Action Discipline That Works: Promoting Self-Discipline in Children

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“It is one of those simple but beautiful paradoxes of life: When a person feels that he is truly accepted by another, as he is, then he is freed to move from there and to begin to think about how he wants to change, how we wants to grow, how he can become different, how he might become more of what he is capable of being.” 1 likes
“Most parents hate to experience conflict, are deeply troubled when it occurs, and are quite confused about how to handle it constructively. Actually, it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person's needs did not conflict with the other's. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently, have different needs and wants that sometimes do not match.” 1 likes
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