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It's Ok Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids
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It's Ok Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids

4.29  ·  Rating Details  ·  434 Ratings  ·  66 Reviews
Parenting can be such an overwhelming job that it's easy to lose track of where you stand on some of the more controversial subjects at the playground (What if my kid likes to rough house--isn't this ok as long as no one gets hurt? And what "if "my kid just doesn't feel like sharing?). In this inspiring and enlightening book, Heather Shumaker describes her quest to nail do ...more
ebook, 400 pages
Published August 1st 2012 by Tarcher
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Hayley DeRoche
1. I think I've been using the concept of taking turns and sharing interchangeably, so really, this concept isn't all that groundbreaking to me. Not taking toys from one kid to give to another or forcing them to give up their turn mid-play seems less about going against the grain and more about Not Being Unreasonably Mean. "Can you give Jane a turn when you're done please? She's waiting." seems completely reasonable to me. Now, whether you take the day-long-turns-are-okay turn approach in public ...more
Adele Stratton
Dec 31, 2012 Adele Stratton rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Best handbook for parents of preschoolers. Ever.
Nov 27, 2012 Nancy rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Terrific book. Parents should always build their own parenting styles and practices on belief and practice--a parent who feel rock-solid comfortable with their own ideas will make their kids feel comfortable, too, knowing that mom and dad stand for something, have some non-negotiables. So--I wouldn't advise anyone to use this as a manual.

With that said, the book is full of different ways to look at common practices ("Say you're sorry!") and can serve as a spur to re-thinking some of the things y
Jan 07, 2014 Stephanie rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenthood
Some of it I love, some of it I will not incorporate into our life. Some of the chapters were not convincing at all even while relying on child development specialists to make her point. While I wouldn't say No to weapon play, I would also not buy my child a toy gun. Just as I wouldn't buy an American girl doll. It is important for me, being the one who buys the toys, that I am supporting what I believe is a good company, a good kind of toy etc.

I loved the overall themes of letting children pla
Dec 18, 2012 Tammie rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I am loving this book! I wish all parents would read it!
Stephanie Rottmayer
Must read! :-)
Jul 08, 2014 Ashley rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
I really liked the fresh perspective this book took on parenting, and I intend to utilize several strategies I found here. In many ways, some of these ideas were a huge relief. My son was Montessori schooled through kindergarten, and it was mostly a good fit for him (not, unfortunately, for my daughter), but one thing my husband and I still laugh about to this day is how seriously the teachers took roughhousing and how we were even instructed to eliminate it at our house. My husband's evening wr ...more
Jun 22, 2014 Tim rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I can recommend this book to any parent or care giver. It's especially geared for younger (say the under 5 y/o crowd) child, which is a pivotal time in child development.

The content of the book fits my overall parenting philosophy of allowing a child to develop and learn, and this book matches my weaknesses (I'm less versed in social-emotional areas). I found the ideas novel yet sensible, and before I was done reading the book, I had already tested out a few of the ideas (with success).

I gave it
Roslyn Ross
Feb 02, 2014 Roslyn Ross rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book didn't really offer me much in the way of new information but I can agree with most of the information she shared.

*I prefer her solution to sharing to the RIE solution, however, both solutions make more sense for a daycare where none of the toys belong to any of the actual children rather than moms-at-home with their babies having play dates. I think Super Parents Super Children might have the best solution for moms.*

What drove me insane about this book is that the author is a little i
Rebecca Reid
When I first saw it in the Netgalley catalog, I was startled by the title It’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker (Tarcher, 2012). Not share? Isn’t that the first thing we teach our babies during play dates? I was delighted by some of the concepts in this parenting book, not because I agreed with it all, but because it opened my mind to different ways to approach teaching my children about relationships, compassion, and deali ...more
Overrated Parenting
Jun 06, 2013 Overrated Parenting rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
I reviewed off a free advance reader copy from the bookstore where I used to work.

This book is all about the free play philosophy of child-raising. Basically, the book (and philosophy) maintains that children learn a host of invaluable interpersonal skills through self-directed play with minimal adult intervention. I found the book completely eye-opening. Of course, the book is written for typically-developing, mainstream children, but I still found so many things that were applicable to my high
Chris Norbury
Most of one’s success in life is based on using plain, simple common sense. Most of one’s success raising children should be based on common sense too. Ms. Shumaker's book drips with common sense on every page. Her main premise is instead of trying to raise our children to become mini-adults, we should use common sense to understand the why's of their behaviors, and then raise them to become the best children they can be, with appropriate challenges and success at each stage of their development ...more
Mar 06, 2013 Melinda rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I wish I'd had this book when my oldest was about two. A fantastic, common-sense resource full of wonderful advice for parents. I love that, unlike other resources, it actually gives you things to and not to say.
Mar 08, 2015 Sarah rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: librarybook, ece
I found this to be an excellent guide for teachers or parents. Much of it falls in line with what I have already been practicing as a teacher, but Schumacher backs it up with research, and gives real and accessible tips and language to try. Often I find that either I or the parents I am working with know WHAT they mean, but not how to convey it to a young child. Books like this are invaluable if only for supplying that dialogue.

I did feel like, in part of the book, she was writing from a very pr
Jun 26, 2013 Rachel rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
loved this book. there were definitely some techniques in here that totally helped me help my daughter through her twos. my god, i would take any help i could get. most everything in this book makes sense to me and helps me meet my kid's needs without having unnecessary battles. i love the communication stuff. it's a quick and easy read, which doesn't explain why it took me 3 months to get thru it, but with a toddler and a baby that's actually pretty fast.

i've used the advice and philosophy in
Feb 04, 2014 Mandabplus3 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I loved this book. Much of it I already do but I didn't know why or how valuable it was. But SO much of this book rocked my thinking. It made me truly stop and think about all the rules I impose on children in my life. I highly recommend this book for everyone with 3-10 year olds and all childcare educators. You may not agree with it all but it will make you think!
Gosh I have it 5 stars and I haven't finished reading it yet!
Oct 30, 2014 Sarah rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A refreshing and practical book that I think could work for a variety of parenting styles, but that draws from Alfie Kohn and similar people I deeply identify with and draw from as a parent. I have some minor quibbles and things I need to reflect on a bit, but the general ideas are good ones, based in understanding child development and in respecting kids as having rights just as their caregivers do.

There are ideas in here that I think work better in a group or preschool setting, but they provi
Becky Solonika
Feb 16, 2014 Becky Solonika rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This book is amazing!! 2 pages into the introduction and I wanted to start my own preschool. I already do a lot of these strategies as a parent & working with kids (like taking turns as opposed to forced sharing) but this book is giving me a lot of specific words to say in certain situations (like what to do when your kid says "I hate you" or ways to release anger).
Feb 09, 2015 Sara rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: parenting
Another good parenting read, this one recommended by our fabulous preschool teachers. Lots of wisdom here about giving kids more freedom to be themselves and not give them the tools to grow and succeed naturally instead of forcing them to be little adults. You don't learn to be generous by forced sharing, you don't learn to be remoreseful with a pat "sorry" that gets you off the hook, and you don't learn proper behavior with by forbidding words. Thankfully Alphabet Academy embraces these ideals, ...more
Jun 01, 2016 Alvin rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Another book to add to my collection of favorite parenting books that share the themes of letting children experience some conflict, tough emotions, and independence, in order for them to develop grit, resilience, and critical thinking. This book feels very grounded and real, like an older person from a previous generation, of whom you can always rely on, who sets firm boundaries, gives it to you straight, all the while making you feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Mar 26, 2013 Nancy rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I thought this was a really good book on parenting. All the ideas were laid out very well. I didn't get a chance to complete the book since I needed to return it to the library, but I did read through the highlighted sections. As I was reading it I applied some of the rules with my daughter and they actually did work, so I am working on applying some of the other ideas and mixing them with my current parenting style. It was a good time for me to read a parenting book because whoever coined the p ...more
Lindsay Bolton
The practical advice in this book was amazing, such a fresh and common sense way of looking at everyday parenting issues! I didn't agree with everything she said, but most of it will change the way I parent preschoolers. Very well written and easy to read.
Jan 24, 2014 Anna rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Great guide for parents who are open to this kind of parenting. It's called renegade, but some rules are old-fashioned, some are based off of cutting edge research, and some are based off of best practices. They're all presenting logically and the author gives examples of phrases to use and words to watch out for. Since my LO is still an infant it seems very do-able, but I wonder how much I'll retain by the time I need to pull this stuff out of the hat. If I do, I may just go and buy a copy inst ...more
Tyler Van steinburgh
Top of my parenting books read thus far. I didn't necessarily agree on all the points made but loved how it challenged my approach of so many topics. Easy reading and easy to pick up and read chapters/topics out of order. Highly recommend.
Mar 16, 2016 K rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Awesome review of how to handle the tough stuff with young children in a developmentally appropriate manner. All claims are backed by child development research and it offers the right phrases/language to use these ideas effectively.
Sep 15, 2014 Tiffany rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Some really interesting ideas, some great like bringing back free play & letting kids be kids, but some other ideas are a little out there. Like all parenting books, take with a gain of salt and a shot of common sense.
Jun 11, 2014 Brigid rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Wonderful read. This book discusses a new take on raising kids. It talks about protecting playtime, allowing kids greater freedom in play, i.e. guns and swords, wrestling, taking turns rather than sharing. Wonderful. It talks about allowing children to mediate their own disputes, which we assist. It teaches kids how to survive in a social world effectively and sensitively. Wonderful read!!
Sep 16, 2012 Pampa rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: my-books-read
I won this book in goodreads givaways. It's a wonderful handbook for parents to have. It talks about many of the "rules" we follow as parents and often suggests how to move away from those rules and opt for something better. For every topic there are suggestions on best ways to deal with issues regarding children and very thorough explanations of why certain ways of parenting may be more beneficial than others. At the end of the book there are several pages listing books that both parents and ch ...more
There are some very enlightening ideas presented, many of which I am integrating into daily life with a toddler and almost-toddler. The major standouts being the importance of free play, not being forced to share, and conflict mediation. And the Renegade Golden Rule is, well, golden. I run it through my head at least once a day.

Some points I wholeheartedly disagree with such as toy weapons and letting children swear. Though I did find those ideas interesting, they are just not my style. And tha
Amanda Dalton
May 12, 2016 Amanda Dalton rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

Loved this book so much. So helpful , I will refer to this for years to come. Three more words
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