Ten Tiny Breaths (Ten Tiny Breaths #1)

A soft hiss ... my heart thumping in my ears. I hear nothing else.

....Mom? ...Dad? ...

Dim lights … voices …

I see them. I hear them. They’re all around, closing in. I open my mouth to scream, but I can’t find the energy. The voices get louder, the lights brighter. A reedy gasp sets my hairs on end. Like a person struggling for their dying breath.

I hear a loud snap, snap, snap, like someone pulling stage light levers; light suddenly pours in from all angles, illuminating the car with blinding power.

The smashed windshield.

The twisted metal.

Dark smears.

Liquid pools.

Blood. Everywhere.

It all suddenly disappears and I’m falling backward, crashing into cold water, sinking further into the darkness, picking up speed as the weight of an ocean swallows me whole. I open my mouth to search for air. A lungs worth of cold water greets me in a rush, filling me inside. The pressure in my chest is unbearable. It’s ready to explode. I can’t breathe....I can’t breathe......

Where I’m a looming thundercloud, she’s the sunshine breaking through.

THE FIRST MILLION PIECES --

I've become so numb I can't feel you there. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am isn't me.

The air leaves my lungs in a swoosh, and I’m left staring at a set of deep dimples and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen—cobalt rings with light blue on the inside. I squint. Do they have turquoise flecks inside them? Yes! My God! The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight of his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, leaving me bare and vulnerable in seconds.

Mia steps out from behind her mother’s legs and wanders into our apartment, dragging a faded yellow fleece blanket behind her. At first she simply takes in our place, likely investigating for hints about her new ‘friends.’ When her eyes finally rest on Livie, they don’t shift again.
Livie drops to her knees to meet Mia face to face, a giant grin stretching her lips. “I’m Livie.” Mia holds up her blanket, her face serious. “This is Mr. Magoo. He’s my friend.”

Every fiber of my body is craving it.
Craving Trent.
I feel like I’ve come up for my first gasp of air after being under water for years.
....I’m too busy fighting this internal battle inside that tells me I must resist this charm. It’s all an act. He’s no good for me.

I fight to stay numb. That’s how I get through each day and it’s worked well for me. Until now. Now Trent has edged into my life and I can’t focus....Somehow he’s managed to slide a finger in under my titanium coat and touch me in a way that no one else has ever touched me.

I cautiously reach out, my stomach muscles coiled into a tight ball, suddenly panicked that whatever I felt earlier might be temporary, that I’ve lost it again. When my fingertips graze his and warmth spreads through me, that dread evaporates.

His warmth. His life.

Closing my eyes, I slide my hand further in, slipping my fingers between his and curling them around. My lips part in a small gasp when his grip tightens over mine. He doesn’t move closer though. He doesn’t try anything or say anything. We stand like that, in the doorway, our hands entwined, for what feels like forever.

“I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We’re going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We’ll go hang-gliding, or bungee jumping, or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more.” His fingers toy with my bottom lip. “Let me make you smile.”

Nothing but ten tiny breaths holds the rest of me together.

I’m falling.
Falling backward into the deep, dark water.
It’s pouring over me, into me, through my mouth, up my nose, filling my lungs, seizing my will to breathe, to live.
I accept it. I welcome it.
In the distance, I hear voices. I hear people calling my name, but I can’t find them. They’re safe, above water.
In another world. The world of the living.
There’s no place for me there.

“Oh, Kace.” Trent’s lips curve and he flashes me the deepest set of dimples I’ve ever seen, buckling my knees. “Nothing’s ever been more right.”
That’s all I need to hear. I barrel into his arms, my mouth connecting with his.
Seizing him. Feeling him. Loving him.

“Just breathe. Ten tiny breaths....
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

"Just breathe," my mom would say. "Ten tiny breaths..."

"Just breathe," my mom would say. "Ten tiny breaths..."

"Before Kacey died four years ago and all that's left is a mess. A mess who spent a year in physical rehabilitation to repair her shattered body, only to be released with a shattered soul.

I'm not Kacey Cleary anymore. I'm an empty shell who cracks inappropriate jokes and feels nothing. I'm Kacey imposter."

"Something's just different with Trent. He's like watermelon after a lifetime of thirst. He's like air after years under water. He's like life..."

Stage One ~ Comfortably Numb
Stage Two ~ Denial
Stage Three ~ Resistance
Stage Four ~ Acceptance
Stage Five ~ Dependence
Stage Six ~ Withdrawal
Stage Seven ~ Breakdown
Stage Eight ~ Recovery
Stage Nine ~ Forgiveness

"I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We're going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We'll go hang gliding, or bungee jumping, or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more. Let me make you smile."

"Give me your heart, Kacey. I'll take everything that comes with it."

"Inhaling, I look up into his face and see a world of calm and possibilities. For the first time in four years, the thought of a hand covering mine doesn't send me into a dizzying spiral down. And I realize that I want Trent to touch me."

5 HEARTWARMING STARS!!!

"The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight if his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, levaing me bare and vulnerable in second."

"The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight if his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, levaing me bare and vulnerable in second."

"Just breathe," my mom would say. "Ten tiny breaths ... Seize them. Feel them. Love them."

“Just breathe,”
“Ten tiny breaths…
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

“Just breathe,”
“Ten tiny breaths…
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

So slow, so light, my fingertip skims his index finger. He still doesn’t move his hand. He remains completely frozen, as if waiting for me to make my move. Swallowing hard, I let my entire hand skate over his. I hear a sharp intake of air as he gasps, his jaw clenching. His eyes are locked on mine and they’re unreadable. Finally, his hand shifts and covers mine, his fingers gently slipping in between. Not forceful, not rushed.



I can’t contain the euphoria swelling inside me. Trent’s touch is full of life.

“I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We’re going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We’ll go hang-gliding, or bungee jumping, or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more.” His fingers toy with my bottom lip. “Let me make you smile.”

“I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We’re going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We’ll go hang-gliding, or bungee jumping, or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more.” His fingers toy with my bottom lip. “Let me make you smile.”

“You hate me, don’t you? You must hate me. I can’t help it. I’m broken.”
Trent squeezes me close to him. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Give me your heart, Kacey. I’ll take everything that comes with it.”

But Trent … there’s something different about him, and I don’t have to think hard to see it. Something about the way he takes over a room, the way he looks at me, like he has already identified and can disarm every one of my defense mechanisms with no effort, like he sees through them to the disaster lying beneath.

Old MacKacey had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.
And on this farm she had a Trent. E-I-E-I-O.
With a wink, wink, here and a smirk, smirk, there. Here a wink, there a wink, everywhere a wink, wink.
Old MacKacey had a farm. E-I-E-I-OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH...

Old MacKacey had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.
And on this farm she had a Trent. E-I-E-I-O.
With a wink, wink, here and a smirk, smirk, there. Here a wink, there a wink, everywhere a wink, wink.
Old MacKacey had a farm. E-I-E-I-OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH...

I think I'm going t

I think I'm going to fall in love with this man.

"I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We're going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We'll go hang gliding, or bungee jumping or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more. Let me make you smile."

I crave his presence, his body, his voice, his laugh, his everything.
I need him.
I need Trent.

For two years, I haven't given anyone the time of day. Now, here I am, day one into our new life, and I'm ready to straddle this guy on the washer.

Hope. Hope that something beautiful may come from this tragic story.
Fear. Fear that it won't.
Forgiveness ... forgiveness.

“There’s no excuse. Only terrible consequences that people have to live with for the rest of their lives when they make one stupid decision.”

“There’s no excuse. Only terrible consequences that people have to live with for the rest of their lives when they make one stupid decision.”

“Just breathe, Kacey. Ten tiny breaths. Seize them. Feel them. Love them.”

“Forever’s a long time.”
Trent’s arms squeeze around me. “Forever’s not long enough when it’s with you.”

“You hate me, don’t you? You must hate me. I can’t help it. I’m broken.”
Trent squeezes me close to him. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Give me your heart, Kacey. I’ll take everything that comes with it.”
I start to cry. Uncontrollably, for the first time in four years.

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"I laugh. Few things make me laugh anymore. Livie, trying to be sarcastic is one of them."

"Her hand slides into mine and I squeeze it. It’s the only one I can handle touching. It’s the only one that doesn’t feel dead. Sometimes I have a hard time letting it go."

"Storm? Storm from next door with giant balloons sewn on to her chest? A throat clears and I realize I’m still staring at them. I quickly avert my gaze back to her face. “It’s okay. The doctor gave me a free upsize while I was asleep,” she jokes with a nervous giggle."

"Mia bows dramatically. “Welcome, kind Sir. Princess Mia has been awaiting your presence.”"

"I’m left staring at a set of deep dimples and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen—cobalt rings with light blue on the inside. I squint. Do they have turquoise flecks inside them? Yes! My God!"

"He looks up at me from under impossibly long lashes, his shaggy, golden brown hair framing his face beautifully."

"My attention lingers there, staring at that mouth, at his set of perfectly straight, white teeth, until I feel my face explode with a third wave of heat. Dammit! Kacey Cleary blushes for no one!"