The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch

May 01, 2012 Jeanette rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: biography-memoir, giggles, nonfiction, four-star-nonfiction

If you're a married woman reading about David Finch's behaviors, you may begin to wonder if your own husband has Asperger syndrome. As Dave Barry notes on the book jacket, a lot of what David was doing and not doing falls in the category of "acting like a guy." But for an Aspie guy the cluelessness is genuine, and absolutely everything must be spelled out for him.

Finch was married for five years before he got his diagnosis. After that, he set out to become the best possible husband he could be....more

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Dec 22, 2012 Sheri rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

So I need to start this by saying that for years I have told my husband that I have a mild form of autism/Asperger's. As a grad student in social psychology I read Temple Grandin's Thinking in Pictures, and I realized that I could very much relate to her way of not relating to other people. He (my husband) picked this book up a week or so ago at the library and has been waving it around the house chuckling while reading it and commenting that he agrees, but if this guy (meaning Dave Finch) is a...more So I need to start this by saying that for years I have told my husband that I have a mild form of autism/Asperger's. As a grad student in social psychology I read Temple Grandin's Thinking in Pictures, and I realized that I could very much relate to her way of not relating to other people. He (my husband) picked this book up a week or so ago at the library and has been waving it around the house chuckling while reading it and commenting that he agrees, but if this guy (meaning Dave Finch) is a 9 on the Asperger's scale, I'm a 3. I'm not sure if that is meant as a compliment (after all he means I'm not that bad) or as an insult (there's no reason to blame your ridiculous tendencies on Asperger's, there's probably something else wrong with you, honey). So, there now I can feel like I've gotten my "writing a response to David Finch" persona on. Come on, admit it, I've got a bit of the hang of the tone, right? Right? Or is it just my humor is not coming through on this one?

No, I'm not going to try to write a whole review using his voice, just thought I'd throw all that out there. Overall, the book was better than average (hence the 4 star). He was annoying at times (yeah, I know, that's just him), he was repetitive at times (again), and certainly he's not always the most likeable person (egocentric holy shit). I think it was less a book about Asperger's and more a book about his failing marriage. And, no Dave, Asperger's is not the only reason you don't fold laundry. I have lots of female friends who have husbands who also never touch the laundry. I think your insight into chauvinistic expectations might be closer to the mark.

The book was, though, very approachable, oftentimes funny and extremely honest. I'm sure Kristen (as well as Clint at work, and the neighbors Mary and Andy) feel a bit exposed with some of Dave's revelations, but it was worth the time and energy and a decent read.

Sorry folks, I just wanted to note a quote here "I tried to do what Tom Hanks or Billy Crystal might have done for Meg Ryan were it a Nora Ephron film--I offered my company, without expecting her to want it. It was a tactic that prevented me from leaving more than three or four silly messages on her voice mail at a time and allowed me to pretend as though no time had passed when she finally called." (less)

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Feb 17, 2013 S.D. rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have a lot to say!!! But I shall refrain and save for March book club. :-) I will even withhold a rating so I will not tip my hand.

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Jan 02, 2013 Jaclyn Day rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Guys, this book. It is just so fantastic. It begins with Finch’s wife sitting him down and going through an Asperger questionnaire after she suspects he may have it. Five years after they marry, they confirm his diagnosis and thus begins their mutual adventure into discovering each other all over again. Finch, in his attempt to be a better husband, creates a Journal of Best Practices. These range from the day-to-day (“Laundry: Better to fold and put away than to take only what you need from the...more Guys, this book. It is just so fantastic. It begins with Finch’s wife sitting him down and going through an Asperger questionnaire after she suspects he may have it. Five years after they marry, they confirm his diagnosis and thus begins their mutual adventure into discovering each other all over again. Finch, in his attempt to be a better husband, creates a Journal of Best Practices. These range from the day-to-day (“Laundry: Better to fold and put away than to take only what you need from the dryer”) to more personal (“Be present in moments with the kids”). It’s insightful, hilarious and touching. There are also moments in the book that are applicable to any marriage or any partnership, like the below:

“Kristen and I had made cleaning the kitchen one of my special interests, but that was something that sort of evolved. In 2006, about two years before I was diagnosed, I had started an argument unlike our discussion of laundry. My point had been that I expected Kristen to keep the kitchen clean at all times. “You’re here all day with Emily anyway,” I said. “It’ll give you something to do.” (Sometimes I use words, but I choose them very poorly.) Her counterpoint involved the F-word, and the next day, I became permanently responsible for keeping the kitchen clean. “As clean as you want to make it, dear,” she specified. For over two years, I honored my responsibility under severe protest. This is bullshit. I hate this. But in 2008, with my commitment to restoring our marriage came a new philosophy: Do this one daily chore for your family, and don’t be miserable while you do it.”

I enjoyed this book so much that I read it in a few hours. I was completely unable to tear myself away and found Finch’s honesty and humor addictive. (One more chapter, THEN I’ll go take a shower, etc.) It may not be what you’d usually pick up, but it’s well worth your time to give it a try! I promise you’ll be hooked by the end of the first chapter too.(less)

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May 13, 2013 Christine rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: first-reads, own-a-copy

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book via a FirstReads giveaway on Goodreads in exchange for an honest review.

I first heard about this book from an article in Oprah Magazine. To be honest, I thought it sounded interesting, but I didn't really think I would go out and buy it. Borrow it from the library maybe, but not buy it. A short while later, I happened to notice it was being offered as a FirstReads giveaway on Goodreads and thought, why not enter? Before I knew it, I got an email te...more Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book via a FirstReads giveaway on Goodreads in exchange for an honest review.

I first heard about this book from an article in Oprah Magazine. To be honest, I thought it sounded interesting, but I didn't really think I would go out and buy it. Borrow it from the library maybe, but not buy it. A short while later, I happened to notice it was being offered as a FirstReads giveaway on Goodreads and thought, why not enter? Before I knew it, I got an email telling me I was one of the winners and would be receiving a free copy!

After finishing a most disappointing novel, I picked up this memoir and once I started it, I could not put it down. I literally flew through this book. Before I get started on the content of the book, I need to say that David Finch is an amazingly talented writer. His work is easy and enjoyable to read and he suffused the entire thing with a wonderful sense of humor. (Also with a *bit* of choice language - that type of thing does not phase me, but if it bothers you, you have been forewarned.)

Before reading this book, I had a general understanding about what Asperger's Syndrome is, but I had never heard a first-hand account of what life is like for a person with the disorder. In his memoir, David shares not only how his life in general has been affected by Asperger's, but mainly focuses on how it has affected his marriage.

Earlier in life, David and his wife Kristen started off as best friends and their relationship progressed from there. Once they got married and moved in together, things started to get much more difficult for them. Realizing they were not happy with the way things were between them and with David only recently diagnosed, he sets out to improve himself and his marriage. He comes to realize he has to learn and practice certain skills that come naturally to "neuro-typicals." In order to do this, he starts his "Journal of Best Practices," a collection of rules and hard-won insights he uses as a tool to help him improve some of his more difficult behaviors.

I don't mean to diminish in any way the difficulties David faces in his everyday life; however, I could not help but think on occasion, "typical man!" So many of the things David is working on are things most men could use some improvement on. What wife doesn't want her husband to be a better listener? To let her vent her frustrations without jumping in with a logical solution to the problem? To take initiative around the house with chores, etc? David certainly has many more obstacles in his way and other additional issues he must face, but many of the problems specific to his marriage are not so different from the problems any other couple might face.

After finishing this book, what I was struck by the most and what will stay with me for a long time to come, is the love this man and his wife share. He may have trouble showing it and they may face many more challenges than the average couple, but the love they have for each other is so real and so touching. David is often extremely hard on himself and wishes he could be more "perfect" for Kristen because that is what he believes she deserves. But let me tell you, if love were "graded" for effort and a desire for one's partner to be happy, David would get an A++

Bottom line? Read this book. Now. I challenge you to not be moved and touched by it. Read any of the passages where David relays stories of the crazy things his kids have done or said and I challenge you not to dissolve into hysterics. Any other book David may write in the future will definitely make it onto my To-Buy List. On release day.

See more of my reviews at: http://bucklingbookshelves.blogspot.com (less)

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May 02, 2013 Carrie Straka rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 35at35, audio, nonfiction, bartlett-reads, read-in-2012, staff-picks, favorite, signed, sure-bets, books-to-reread, exyreaders, autism-spectrum

David Finch has Asperger Syndrome. What’s interesting is that he’s not diagnosed until he’s 30 years old and married for five years. When he’s diagnosed, he and his wife finally have the answers of why he’s the way he is. He describes the news as a relief, because he now knows what causes his odd behavior, outbursts, and other quirks. The Journal of Best Practices came about through Finch’s note taking and journal writing. He is on a constant quest to improve himself. His notes include “Don’t ch...more

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Mar 04, 2012 Dodo rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

Unlike other Asperger's memoirs I've seen so far, this one doesn't start at a point in childhood and tells a whole lifetime story.
It starts at the day where the authors wife brings to his attention that he might have Asperger Syndrom.

After his diagnosis he targets to originate a strategy to get along with the people around him and to ease the life of his wife.

As far as I can tell his marriage suffers from the same problems all normal marriges have.
Communicational problems, division of labor rega...more

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Apr 26, 2013 Jane rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audio-books, autism-spectrum, relationships

I found this topic to be very interesting. After being married for five years, David Finch is diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. Instead of taking the easy way out and using his Asperger Syndrome as an excuse for his difficult behavior, he dedicates himself to becoming a better husband. He creates a journal to help him with specific behaviors that will improve his relationship with his wife. While it is clear that he does in fact have Asperger Syndrome and gives many examples of ways that he is i...more

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Mar 19, 2013 Dan rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: kindle

A couple of months ago, I picked up this book on a whim. A blogger I like recommended it as a good read, and it was about writing things down to solve problems, which meshed well with the fact that I was on one of my periodic rampages trying to organize my life. Once I started it, I read it in a single session, then again the next day. Because for better or for worse, I saw myself in almost everything he wrote.

Damn, I thought. That guy’s a good writer. He really makes you feel what it’s like to...more

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Feb 12, 2013 James Swenson rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

David and Kristen's marriage is falling apart, after only a few years. Neither them is quite the spouse that the other believed they would be. One reason for this, they discover, is that David has Asperger's syndrome.

The diagnosis is a revelation. David writes:

I was not upset. I was not conflicted. The knowledge felt amazing. It was cathartic. And it made perfect sense. Of course! Here were answers, handed to me so easily, to almost every difficult question I'd had since childhood: Why is it so

...more David and Kristen's marriage is falling apart, after only a few years. Neither them is quite the spouse that the other believed they would be. One reason for this, they discover, is that David has Asperger's syndrome.

The diagnosis is a revelation. David writes:

I was not upset. I was not conflicted. The knowledge felt amazing. It was cathartic. And it made perfect sense. Of course! Here were answers, handed to me so easily, to almost every difficult question I'd had since childhood: Why is it so hard for me to engage with people? Why do I seem to perceive and process things so differently from everyone else? ...In other words, why am I different?

To me, that's extremely moving, and throughout the book, David is very good at writing about himself. [In fact, that's my main difficulty here: he writes so clearly about his own idiosyncracies and motivations that it's hard to sustain the belief that he suffers from any sort of empathy deficit.]

The good news is that David leverages his own obsessive tendencies to focus on saving his relationship with Kristen, making it his top priority. He works to build his capacity for empathy, recording his insights in the titular Journal of Best Practices. A dozen or so of these become chapter titles, like "Laundry: Better to fold and put away than to take only what you need from the dryer."

For me, the book gains its depth from the first of the Best Practices that we read: "Do all that you can to be worthy of her love." The surprise is while that the Asperger's diagnosis, and David's ability to laugh at himself, make it non-threatening to pick up the book, we increasingly wonder how much of his struggle comes from his mental disorder (David doesn't naturally realize that he could care for his family members by doing their laundry), and how much is the result of culture and implicit expectations he shares with the neurotypical population (David has always presumed that wives should do the laundry). David's commitment and dedication are a rebuke to those of us who face lower obstacles than he does, but give less than we could of ourselves to our loved ones.(less)

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Jan 29, 2013 Megan rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I picked this up from the Library's readers choice section. It seems that the past several readers choice lists have had one book that addressed autism/aspergers: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, Rules, The Kitchen Daughter (to name a few).

Every time I've picked one up and wondered if the subject has been overdone, but every time I've been pleasantly surprised to find the book had a new, fresh take on a disorder that has many different levels and forms.

Until now.

David Finch i...more I picked this up from the Library's readers choice section. It seems that the past several readers choice lists have had one book that addressed autism/aspergers: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, Rules, The Kitchen Daughter (to name a few).

Every time I've picked one up and wondered if the subject has been overdone, but every time I've been pleasantly surprised to find the book had a new, fresh take on a disorder that has many different levels and forms.

Until now.

David Finch is in a failing marriage. When he is diagnosed with Asperger's, he and his wife decide many of their problems were due to his disorder and they try to rebuild their marriage. As they try to reconnect, David keeps a journal of Best Practices: Use Your Words. Just listen. Laundry: Better to fold and put away than to take only what you need from the dryer. Give Kristen time to shower without crowding her.

There are some funny moments reminiscent of Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory (he flashes back to his college roommate going ballistic on him and screaming about the many things he had endured that semester, including being locked out time after time. David is thinking, "But I thought I made it clear that I lock the door at eleven thirty sharp, no matter what" pg 105) However, these are the reasons the book didn't work for me:

1-He is positively exultant that he has Asperger's. Every single thing that has ever happened in his entire life is rehashed as proof that he has Asperger's. Just one example:"Performing music and assuming the personalities of characters came naturally to me. I assumed at the time that it meant I was sort of artistic, rather than sort of autistic, but as it turns out, I'm both." (pg 22)

2-Because he has Asperger's, every single bad thing he has ever done, every single bad character trait is not his fault, it's the disorder. "Whenever I find myself sitting in bird poo or demanding close relationships from complete strangers, I can chalk it up to God-given faulty cognitive processes. To me, this is great news. I don't have to be embarrassed anymore about my social cluelessness. I can't be expected to predict the intentions of others and assume their perspectives any more than I can be expected to rebuild a carburetor or sit down in a piano to knock out a Rachmaninoff concerto; I wasn't born with that particular talent.

3-I expected this book to be one of self-reflection and growth. And there is some of that. But primarily, it seems that his diagnosis gave him a pass with his wife for his bad behavior. "Prior to my diagnosis, Kristen often told me in frustration, "You just don't GET IT, Dave." Now that we know I have Asperger's, Kristen still finds herself saying those exact words all the time. The difference is that she now says them calmly, as a matter of fact. "You just don't get it, Dave. Your brain doesn't work that way." pg 80.

I wonder how this book would have been written from Kristen's point of view.

4- The language is unbelievably foul. There are a lot of reasons for including foul language in a book, and this one I would characterize as, "I don't care enough about the English language to find a word that conveys what I want to say. I am incapable of using a thesaurus or even thinking for 2 minutes of another word to use."

Rated R for foul language. (less)

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Jan 12, 2013 Princess rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book has been on my radar for a while and I was quite happy to see it on display at the library and I quickly snatched it up and read it fairly quickly. David Finch has Asperger's syndrome (granted, technically, there is no such thing anymore according to the DSM-V but that's an entirely different discussion...) and in this book, he chronicles what he did to save his marriage. He holds nothing back in terms of his behaviors and how they affect others. His long-suffering wife, Kristen, is an...more

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Jan 01, 2013 Kathleen rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

David Finch seems sweet and charming on his good days. And nearly impossible to live with almost all of the time. This book describes his "before" -- how he took hourlong showers every morning as part of his extensive routine while leaving his wife to cope with getting two toddlers and herself ready. Then he chronicles his efforts to be just a little more engaged in the family.

Some of the things all families have to work out regarding the division of household labor were made that much more com...more

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Dec 19, 2012 erin rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

First off, this is not the definitive book on adults with Asperger Syndrome. It claims to be a memoir, and it truly is. David Finch was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 30, and his diagnosis made him assess his life in a way that started him on a journey of self-improvement. I don't share Finch's sense of humor, nor do I agree with his ideas on what men and women should or shouldn't do for a family, but I don't have to. Since this is a memoir, it is a slice of one man's life.

I think that th...more

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Nov 29, 2012 Chrisripley rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I LOVED this book! I don't know anyone with Asperger syndrome, but I don't have to in order to enjoy this book. His self-deprecating humor is off the charts. When he realizes his inadequacies as a spouse and parent I found myself realizing that I had the same inadequacies. His disorder gave him fewer coping skills, but still, most of his issues were things we can all relate to.

Example of when he realizes he's not the father he wanted to be. "I loved them [his kids] but I wasn't loving time spen...more

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Oct 16, 2012 Melissa T rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

In case you are thinking, "Does Roger have Asperger's?"; no, I don't think he does. That's not why I chose this book, I am just interested in learning more about this increasingly common syndrome, and this seemed like an informative way to do so, without being too bogged down in clinical details. (I just want the summary, not all the details! I am an impatient learner!)

So, my review. I may have given this 5 stars, except for one tiny detail. Profanity. I cannot stand reading profanity. For a maj...more In case you are thinking, "Does Roger have Asperger's?"; no, I don't think he does. That's not why I chose this book, I am just interested in learning more about this increasingly common syndrome, and this seemed like an informative way to do so, without being too bogged down in clinical details. (I just want the summary, not all the details! I am an impatient learner!)

So, my review. I may have given this 5 stars, except for one tiny detail. Profanity. I cannot stand reading profanity. For a majority of the book, the language is perfectly acceptable, delightful actually. But here and there, the F-word creeps in. Ugh. And, for one section - when the author is describing a particularly difficult time in his life, it fairly leaps off the page and screams in your face. I almost stopped reading at that point, but, hoping the alluring prose previously exhibited would continue, I persevered, and I am happy that I did. (In his defense, the author is merely chronically his experiences, and demonstrates a lot of tact generally. I assume he merely writes as he speaks and thinks, and I cannot fault him for that. But, perhaps his editor should have mentioned it may still offend some readers, even in this society? I digress.)

Otherwise, this was a pure delight to read. Finch tells a story effortlessly, a story rich with detail and emotion, and I felt as though I had been allowed a glimpse not only into his mind but a bit of his soul as well. Fascinating. He has a captivating sense of humor, which had me laughing out loud more than once. He helped me walk a mile in his shoes, and although some of the steps were painful and embarrassing to admit, I never lost respect for him or felt annoyed at his recitation. (Other than the profanity, of course.) Best of all, I appreciated both his and his wife's dedication to their marriage and the commitment they had made to each other. Both simply refused to give up, and this dedication was both endearing and impressive. I hope their story has a happy ending, they certainly deserve it.(less)

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Oct 01, 2012 Anna Penner rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was hilarious. It isn't even a tiny bit surprising that David Finch used to write comedy sketches, based on the sheer amount of humour that is packed into this not very long book. I mean, in what other Asperger Syndrome book would you find a quote like this, "Engaging the social world without empathy is like going to the mall without any money or pants on; it can be done, but you're bound to have problems."?

The humour makes it an easy read, as do the non-judgemental portrayals of all o...more

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Aug 21, 2012 Johnmwhite rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book is a thoroughly entertaining and insightful guide to the perils and pitfalls that anyone can fall into when trying to juggle a marriage and their own quirky personality, and is naturally aimed at people with Asperger's and similar syndromes. And the advice is great, with one caveat - it entirely hinges on the reader happening to be as privileged as the author. If only we all were surrounded by a supportive network of people willing to indulge our autistic foibles, as David Finch is, bu...more

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Aug 19, 2012 Carol Moore rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The Journal of Best Practices – A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch****1/2

Writing style: tender, honest, and humorous…self-effacing

David Finch decided to invigorate his marriage by making some personal changes. One of the changes was to give his marriage the time and respect he gives his job. Because he’s on the Spectrum he went about it in typical “Aspie” fashion, analyzing, compiling data, and setting goals. He looked for feedback...more

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Jul 22, 2012 Heather rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is the best book I have read about Asperger syndrome, and I have read a lot. Though it is just one person's story, not a how-to manual, I gained a lot about ways that might help me be more effective in helping individuals with Asperger syndrome, both in my job as an SLP, and as a mother of one.

David's personal journey through trying to acknowledge his weaknesses and move beyond them was admittedly at times tedious to read. Well before his wife told him to stop with the best practices, I was...more

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Jul 12, 2012 Synesthesia rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This short little book was good, but I can't help but be a bit biased because I got diagnosed as being on the spectrum myself so I can related to David Finch about parties, socializing and things like that. I am not fond of that stuff. I hanging out with people I'm comfortable with but I love reading in bed at home listening to music and doing my thing.

Which makes me wonder if it's a good idea to get married since I like collecting live spiders and so many people hate them for some reason.

I lik...more

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Apr 21, 2012 Kathy rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: read-in-april-2012

That should probably be a 3.5. I really enjoyed this book.

Dave and Kristen had been good friends. They could always talk to each other. But after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids, they hardly ever had anything to say. For them, the realization that Dave was on the Asperger spectrum was a revelation and a relief. For Dave it explained why he had never quite seemed to fit with most other people. For Kristen it said that many of Dave's less appealing actions were products of his syndrome, rather tha...more

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Mar 27, 2012 Ciara rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: autobio-memoir, read-in-2012

arguably the most exciting thing about this book, for me, is that it's a memoir by a guy who diagnosed himself with asperger's syndrome using an internet quiz. this is something i joke about all the time! i used to be a member of this online feminist community, & one of the most annoying members in the community had diagnosed herself with asperger's using an internet quiz. every time she got called out for saying something stupid, she was always like, "stop being mean! the internet says i'm...more arguably the most exciting thing about this book, for me, is that it's a memoir by a guy who diagnosed himself with asperger's syndrome using an internet quiz. this is something i joke about all the time! i used to be a member of this online feminist community, & one of the most annoying members in the community had diagnosed herself with asperger's using an internet quiz. every time she got called out for saying something stupid, she was always like, "stop being mean! the internet says i'm neuroatypical!" my favorite was the time she wrote a long, gushing post about how she helped deliver her friend's baby because the birth clinic the friend had intended to use was closed for the weekend. yes. i forgot about how birth clinics maintain 9am-5pm monday-friday hours & all the women that go into labor on evenings or weekends get stuck doing unintentional home births with no one to help them out except for their bedraggled hippie friends. she also posted about food not bombs all the time & was like, "hey guys! there's this awesome organization that feeds homeless people using dumpstered goods! maybe you've heard of them but i don't know because they're pretty underground & obscure. they're called food not bombs. i think they've only been around for like 35 years or so." that girl was so obnoxious that diagnosing yourself with asperger's via an internet quiz couldn't help but become a joke.

i wonder how ol' david finch here feels about the fact that his book was released the same month as the news that autism is being wildly overdiagnosed these days became front page news from coast to coast? especially in light of how the book is all about how his marriage was teetering on the brink of collapse until he realized that he was autistic, & then he & his wife worked together to help him learn how to behave in more socially acceptable/neurotypical ways (even if he was just playacting his way through it).

i guess i should also note that after the internet told him he was autistic, he saw a doctor who confirmed the diagnosis. but, you know, doctors are the ones behind the over-diagnosing epidemic...i'm not saying this dude isn't actually autistic, but a lot of shit he writes about in the book sounded more like a dude that is kind of socially inept, a little bit self-centered, & goofy, & less like a dude that is autistic. then again, i'm not an occupational therapist, so maybe i don't know what the hell i'm talking about.

i kind of feel bad for the dude's family. someday his kids are going to be old enough to read the book & finch doesn't really come off as a great, involved dad. though i guess by the time his kids are old enough to read & understand the book, they'll probably have already caught on to that fact. finch writes about how part of being autistic is that he is very obsessive about his daily routines. his morning routine involves getting up a full hour after his wife gets up with the kids, having a glass of water, downing some vitamins, & luxuriating in a shot shower for at least an hour. meanwhile, his wife is getting the kids dressed & fed & ready for the babysitter, while also getting herself dressed & ready for work, trying to fit in some bathroom time in between the dude's crazy shower schedule...so he decided that it would be a nice husband thing to do if he got up earlier & took over some of the child care duties. this involved running off to the bathroom to check in with his wife about every little thing the kids needed. he seriously asked her if the kids were allowed to have juice after they requested juice. he asked if the little girl was allowed to wear the dress she had requested. once the kids finished breakfast, he plopped them down in their pajamas in front of the TV rather than getting them dressed & ready to go to the babysitter's house. not exactly what i would call helpful, you know?

which he acknowledges. but rather than being amused by the foibles of this clueless dad, i instead felt sad. his older kid is like four years old. how does a person share his home with a child for four years without having any awareness of whether or not it's okay for that four-year-old to have some morning OJ? it sounds like the dude has been completely checked out, & while a disability will certainly do that to a person, it still made me feel sad for everyone involved. but the way the book was written, i didn't get the sense that i was supposed to feel sad. i got the sense that i was supposed to be chuckling & enjoying the hijinks.

he also writes a lot about how he brought a lot of pre-conceived ideas about gender into his marriage. he assumed that his wife would do the lion's share of the child care & enjoy every second of it. he also assumed that she would take on most, if not all, of the housework, leaving him free to pursue his busy schedule of hour-long showers & nightly wanderings around the house to make sure all the lights are off. this, despite the fact that both he & his wife work. he would even have the gall to suggest that "we make an effort to keep up with the chores" when the laundry was washed & dried, but not yet put away, & to compare his wife unfavorably to the stay-at-home mom next door who always manages to have fresh cookies baked & a pork loin ready for dinner. he seems to be implying that his autism was somehow responsible for these sexist ideas--that this is how his parents' relationship functioned, so it became a routine in his life that he expected his wife to maintain.

i was reminded of an incident a few years ago in which i volunteered at an anarchist bookstore with a woman who was being stalked. the bookstore was contemplating the possibility of banning him from the space for, you know, stalking & terrorizing one of the volunteers. he explained to a couple of other volunteers that he didn't mean to scare the woman; he was autistic & not great with social cues & thought he was just flirting. my response was, "it's autism. it's not Asshole Disease." since when does atypical neurological functioning make it okay to be a fucking misogynist?

& granted, finch does acknowledge his sexism & begin making an effort to change it. it's just amazing that his marriage lasted as long as it did, you know? long enough that he could begin the process of transformation & write this book. i wish him & his family the best of luck, but i am legitimately concerned that other people will read this book, diagnose themselves with autism on the internet, & use it as an excuse to behave selfishly. (less)

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Tominda Adkins Do you know anyone with Asperger's in real life? Some really do slip through the cracks into adulthood, learning to "mimic" NT behavior to get by unti...more
16. Juli, 21:01 Uhr

Jill Finch is very clear that he and his wife did not "diagnose" his Asperger's. Finch went to a doctor who diagnosed his Asperger's, after Finch and his w...more
11. November, 07:51 Uhr

Apr 02, 2013 Dorie Schultz rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Had to read this for book club. I really enjoyed this book. I never knew anything much about Asperger Syndrome except that some people who had it developed very violent and deviant behavior. But this book is about a real person, trying to understand himself and save his marriage. His explanations about how he thinks are really eye opening, and often funny, and I can appreciate all of the work it takes him just to handle life every day. He over thinks everything, is obsessive/compulsive and reall...more

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Feb 09, 2013 Linda rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

One of the most fascinating books I've read in quite a while. David Finch isn't quite sure what makes him "different" and he's mastered the art of pretending to be socially acceptable well enough to hold down a responsible job, have friends, and get married. But it's impossible to continue to pretend to be something you're not in a marriage and two children later, his marriage is falling apart, and his wife Kirsten is mystified about what happened to the friendship and the fun they had before th...more

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Jul 06, 2012 Lelaina Vogel rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2012

David Finch's memoir of his attempts to salvage his marriage from its Asperger's induced-fate is raw charm. Finch walks us through his journey from his diagnosis with Asperger syndrome to his final realization of how to have fun. He is perpetually honest, laugh-out-loud funny, and descriptive to a literary degree.

The Journal of Best Practices reads like a novel, and a quick one at that. I started it at 11 this morning and had it finished by 4:30. Needless to say, I was drawn into the world of th...more

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Mar 30, 2012 Lindsay rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I heard the author of this book and his wife on This American Life a couple of weeks ago and then by chance my mom sent me this book. Listening to the interview was strange because in it David Finch sounds so normal and comfortable. He actually sounds more normal and comfortable than I would sound on air, so I kept thinking: Really? Does this guy really have Asperger's or is he just kinda quirky?

The first part of the book reconfirmed this notion for me. He describes his failing marriage and how...more

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Oct 25, 2012 Christina rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This was an interesting book, but the fact that the F-word is on every other page was extremely off-putting. David Finch is a man who discovers several years into his marriage that his inability to connect and his need for routines and obsessive tendencies are due to Aspergers Syndrome. The book is about that revelation but more about the way he sets out to discover how to better his family life and marriage. It's painful to read just how dysfunctional his family life is. For example, he has two...more

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Dec 07, 2012 Melinda rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This was amazingly helpful in recognizing some of the adjustments my husband and I had to make after marrying each other. I think this book would be useful to any married couple--or for anyone seriously contemplating marriage, i.e., engaged. I only gave it four stars, however, because he swears. A lot. There's the f-word a lot and the name of deity. I had to mentally edit my thoughts every time; that's a lot of mental energy expended, that could have been spent hearing and thinking about what he...more

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May 01, 2013 Birds In the Air rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

A good book to help explain/understand the social deficit that those with MILD autism have. Written with humor. Some of his "just a guy" traits are mixed up with his traits of Asperger Syndrome. He also experiences many OCD traits that often accompany Asperger's but dont necessarily go with it. This book is the memoir of a personal experience and thus explains (very well) HIS journey but does not attempt to explain the challenges of others whose experience with Asperger Syndrome may differ signi...more

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