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Det Passionerede Ægteskab

4.11  ·  Rating Details ·  1,863 Ratings  ·  193 Reviews
People joke that the start of a couple's marriage means the end of their sex life. David Schnarch, a sex therapist praised by Pepper Schwartz, uses epiphany-laden conversations taken directly from his own marriage and the married couples he sees in practice to help readers defy the myth that marriages are necessarily passionless, and instead prove that the longer a couple ...more
Paperback, 512 pages
Published August 30th 2004 by Borgen (first published 1997)
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Fairlyfeisty Dragonwagon
Jan 22, 2008 Fairlyfeisty Dragonwagon rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: anyone willing to self-confront in service of become their best self.
I read this book at a time of painful difficulty - would the much-cherished marriage I'd been in many years actually come to an end (unthinkable) or would we, or I, or him, find a way to get to the bottom of what "went wrong" as we then thought, and from there, reinvent?

That was ten years ago. Schnarch wholly shifted my paradigm, not just on relationship but of everything. For starters, pain and difficulty don't mean something "went wrong" but, rather, went right in the sense of... marriage, li
Sep 10, 2008 Lena rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction
Early in his career, Passionate Marriage author David Snarch found it odd that sex therapy and marital therapy were two entirely separate disciplines. He spent the next several decades refining his theory that what happens in the bedroom can be an important window into the dynamics of the greater marriage itself.

Though ostensibly about sex, Passionate Marriage is really about the process of individuation. Learning how to be an individual and a partner at the same time is no easy task for many of
Teresa Catlin
Nov 05, 2007 Teresa Catlin rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: already-read
Although this book is almost as weighty as a textbook, I HIGHLY recommend it! It is the first NEW point of view on marriage and relationships that I'd read for a very long time. It is not really about sex--at least not for its own sake--but looks at sex as the "crucible" in which a lot of emotional issues are worked out.

It is a book that I think everyone, if they were willing to read it, would get a lot of insight from. It's interesting to me that so few of the people I've given it to or recomme
Jan 07, 2013 Kerim rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
In the work I've done helping others with their relationships, I've had the opportunity to read plenty of self-help books on relationships. Most of the time I find the books useless, if not harmful. On the recommendation of a friend I checked this book out from the library. Now I'm buying it. I'm also recommending it to every person I know who is ready to make improvements in ALL of their relationships--including their relationships with their self.
While other books focus on trying to communicat
Dec 11, 2014 Laura rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Two things I did not like: 1)The part that degenerates into self-help. (I loathe self-help books because they tell me what to do.) 2) The title. A boring but more apt title might be "Understanding Identity, Sexuality & Intimacy". That said, I can't recall ever reading a book the way I read this one. I cried, I reread, I underlined and starred, I put it down for a few minutes every now and then so I could think. Because I have spent the past five or so years struggling intensely with identity ...more
Nina Bradley
Nov 04, 2013 Nina Bradley rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
This is a book I needed to read when I was a teenager. My review of five stars is not based on how well the author writes or communicates, but rather how important I think this information is. We grow up with a distorted sense of what love and intimacy are all about. That is to say we think it is all about us and our needs. We seek to fulfill ourselves through our relationships and get our needs met and our very selves validated by other people. The Passionate Marriage approach (although I think ...more
Nov 17, 2015 Adam rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This is required reading for couples, and relationship therapists, for sure; chapters 1-2 and 11-13 in particular (if you don't have the time or interest to get through the whole thing). I do think, however, that this book suffers from some of the same things the other marriage bookshelf standard "Hold Me Tight" does—both authors oversell their theory (in this case "differentiation"; in the latter, "attachment"). When you're a hammer...

Yet, both are very useful, and shed some fascinating light o
Margareta Ackerman
Without a shred of a doubt, the best book on marriage out there.

This is the book that saved my marriage. I recommend it to all my friends and everyone I meet whose marriage is in trouble.

Unlike the great majority of other books on the subject, this one explains that marriage isn't just about being nice to each other, listening, understanding, caring, etc. It is a complex system with inevitable hard times. It explains how your relationships fit into your life a whole, and how a marital crisis is
This is Schnarch's attempt at merging marital and sex therapy. My reaction to this book is very mixed. On the one hand I think that there are a lot of valuable points in the book. On the other, I really disliked reading it, only finished it because I was getting CE credits for it (available on btw) and felt I had to read every word, and feel there are some serious limitations to his conceptualization.

So first the good. Scharch's two main points are 1) that self-soothing
Jun 22, 2014 Carol rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I LOVE THIS BOOK! Schnarch’s thesis can be condensed into the following quote, “Trusting me isn’t going to change you; trusting (and mobilizing) yourself will. The endpoint of differentiation is being willing and able to trust yourself” What is so fantastic about Schnarch theory is that its application is not limited to the context of marriage; but any intimate relationship. The process of differentiation is a journey of discovering oneself and can only occur in the context of close relationship ...more
Michele Fogal
Jun 13, 2014 Michele Fogal marked it as to-read  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: life-learning
The Intro to this book was very pompous sounding as in, this is the greatest book ever and I wouldn't change a thing, but who knows, maybe he has some great things to say.

I like the concept of differentiation - figuring out what you really believe in without influence or pressure from anyone else. That is a great idea when linked with how to be intimate. First, be wholly yourself.

Also this idea that we think intimacy is disclosing something personal to someone and then having them validate our e
Sep 07, 2012 Michelle rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A great book for understanding and dismantling the brick walls - those arguments that have become impasses.

From the book blurb: "Schnarch's fundamental lesson is differentiation -- the often threatening process of defining yourself as separate from your partner, which inevitably draws you closer to your partner than you ever dreamed possible."

The author describes and outlines the processes of differentiation and fusion, how they each play out, look, and feel, and how people get from one to the
Aug 05, 2008 Duc rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Differentiation, self-validation. I randomly picked up this book and B&N. Then flip through it. It talks frankly. I was shock to find the author's differentiations between sex, love making, and f*ing. This greatly impressed as most book of this nature doesn't talk honestly about the subject. At the same time, I also picked up 'Seven Levels of Intimacy'. After reading some of the Goodreads reviews, I'm convinced that I should read this book before any other self-help books on relationships.
Dec 08, 2014 Sara rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I hesitated putting this book on my virtual bookshelf because some may find the language and details offensive or too descriptive. Those parts can be skimmed over if you want. However, this is not a sex "how to" book. It is all about maturing in a committed relationship (marriage) and confronting yourself and acting out of integrity. The crucible of marriage, as David Schnarch explains, is all about a marriage falling together when it appears to be falling apart. Differentiation is the key to a ...more
Alana Munro
Mar 10, 2014 Alana Munro rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Definitely a must read for any couple. Shows us how to keep love and intimacy alive. Well worth a read.
Aug 21, 2007 Megan rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Although a noble idea and a potentially juicy topic, the clinical nature of this book made it difficult to slog through to the actually useful information...wait, was there any actually useful information? I'm not sure. I couldn't get through the first few chapters.

Amazing how an author can take a subject as promising and fun as sex and intimacy and make it sterilized and boring. Oh well. My advice to the seeker, read "Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving" by the Muir's if you are really interes
Dec 18, 2014 Kevan rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Intense, blunt, enlightening, inspiring. A vision for marriage that transcends mundane visions I've heard before, rooted in deep clinical study. Schnarch (what a name) presents marriage as the pinnacle of human evolution, deep connection as the ultimate path to eroticism, and straight-ahead conflict as the necessary door to long-term happiness. I only made it through 45% of this book before abandoning it earlier this year (it just seemed so lengthy; but reading on an eReader I had a hard time ga ...more
Yessi Young
Mar 24, 2015 Yessi Young rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I gave a good rating because David Schnarch has a brilliant philosophy and truly self-discloses himself. This is not just about sex, but about being brave enough to let our spouses (or long-term partners) see our genuine selves. This book is not about compromise with your partner, but rather about facing ourselves. For one person to do more of something and the other person to do less of something for the sake of compromise can cause resentment overtime. But to face yourself and ask "do I really ...more
Jun 10, 2007 Kelly rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: those in long-term relationships who's sex life is flagging (or has in the past)
This book was kinda hard to read because, well, that kinda stuff is *private* in my world, eh? However Schnartch delves into sex and the negotiation it's really about - as well as his great concept of differentiation - that really impressed me. It was a great book, despite a small handful of the Dr.'s own sexist references and outdated concepts.
Aug 13, 2010 Esonja rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I am clearly the most differentiated!! Me!!

Or, I am clearly interested in beefing up for Marriage Olympics. Let's just call this guy Béla Károlyi and be done with it, eh? I have gotten so much use out of this book, I'd like to say I took up temporary residence in the crucible for a few months. Really great for me and mine.
Nov 27, 2009 Jenny rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
The first two chapters are quite good abouts differentiation and its importance in relationship. I stopped reading shortly after that as the quality of the book and the extent of the author's ego threatened to negate anything useful he had to say in the beginning.
Aug 27, 2015 Lauren rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Ok, reviewing a book like this is awkward when your friends read your reviews. Just as a disclaimer, I didn't pick this up because we're having marital discord. Things are just fine but I enjoy books that help me see things in a different light and this is a rather important subject to making a marriage work. It was recommended by an LDS blog I follow.
So I didn't really like it. There was some very helpful information (why I gave it an "it's okay" two star rating) but it was pretty long winded.
Lee Kofman
Even though at times the book challenged me to reconsider my own behaviour in marriage, mostly it was full of clichés and grand statements. It felt like just another religious tract (indeed, the author seems to be oddly, obscurely ‘spiritual’ in some fashionably eastern hard-to-define way), where one assumption is used to explain everything. If Marx was obsessed with money and Freud with sex, then David Schnarch’s fixation is on what he calls ‘differentiation’. If the relationship is not working ...more
Susan Troccolo
Dec 14, 2015 Susan Troccolo rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
What I most value in this book are the chapters at the end about "reaching critical mass, and the crucible survival guide." If you read nothing else here, read these sections. They provide the reader with some of the clearest and most precise decision making tools for marital conflict that I've encountered. You can return to them when you need a quick reminder of fundamental concepts about balancing independence with a long, committed marriage. Especially if you've already got a solid, loving an ...more
Jul 19, 2009 Tanish rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: reviewed
it's kind of slow going and good food for thought- a refreshingly different perspective on relationships so far...
Mar 06, 2015 Jenny rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
this is a great book for anyone who wants to improve any relationship they're in, not just marriage. Warning: it contains graphic descriptions of sex.main ideas: to improve the relationship you have to be willing to be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. You have to be willing to show your true self to your partner. arguing and fighting in marriage is not necessarily bad, it is necessary for growth. To improve your relationships you have to be willing to go through cycles of growth and ...more
This book is the only relationship counselling book I will ever need. It was feminist, body positive, and everything I needed to hear. The foundation of the book is that personal growth leads to a better relationship. Having integrity, being honest, confronting your own baggage - those are the building blocks of this book. It is empowering, let me just say that.
This book made me aware of my own need and search for validation. As well, I can now see how little agency I was giving myself in my li
Jan 08, 2015 Emiko rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
While the overarching theme of this book is more about loving yourself than loving the other person, it makes the idea seem much less harsh and selfish than it sounds. Schnarch homes in our ability to give our love to another when our own brokenness is repaired, otherwise hindering our ability for deep intimacy. To me, this book is much more about healing than it is about passion, and that with virtually no special techniques aside from the Bowenian theory approach to differentiation--be your ow ...more
Nikki Morse
Jul 07, 2016 Nikki Morse rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: personal-growth
I picked up this book to explore the concept of differentiation - of holding on to yourself while in connection with others. Schnarch's theory draws from the family therapist Murray Bowen, and is really distinct from much other relationship theory, which often holds that current relationships salve the wounds of past harms in a direct way - if you didn't get enough attention and attachment as a child, the solution is more attention and attachment now, right?? His theory is that this trauma or wo ...more
Oct 31, 2012 Nancy rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
I'm enjoying this more than I expected. While the author tends to be repetitive with some of his content, it's also a good way to make the points sink in to this forgetful reader's consciousness. He also seems to have a few overly described sex scenes in it-- did his editor suggest this to help the book become more popular? However, the perspective he takes on relationships, based on his years of counseling and teaching at a med school, is fresh and seems right on and is giving me new insights. ...more
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David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of numerous books and articles on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships. He is the Director of the Crucible Institute and his work has attracted clients and students from across the globe. His book Passionate Marriage is a perennial bestseller, offering the general public his revolutionary approach in a pragma ...more
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“You don't think your way to a new way of living. You live your way to a new way of thinking.” 10 likes
“Our mistakes and regrets are not barriers to becoming who we can be; they are a necessary ingredient.” 8 likes
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