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Det Passionerede Ægteskab

4.12 of 5 stars 4.12  ·  rating details  ·  1,490 ratings  ·  178 reviews
People joke that the start of a couple's marriage means the end of their sex life. David Schnarch, a sex therapist praised by Pepper Schwartz, uses epiphany-laden conversations taken directly from his own marriage and the married couples he sees in practice to help readers defy the myth that marriages are necessarily passionless, and instead prove that the longer a couple ...more
Paperback, 512 pages
Published August 30th 2004 by Borgen (first published 1997)
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Fairlyfeisty Dragonwagon
Jan 22, 2008 Fairlyfeisty Dragonwagon rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: anyone willing to self-confront in service of become their best self.
I read this book at a time of painful difficulty - would the much-cherished marriage I'd been in many years actually come to an end (unthinkable) or would we, or I, or him, find a way to get to the bottom of what "went wrong" as we then thought, and from there, reinvent?

That was ten years ago. Schnarch wholly shifted my paradigm, not just on relationship but of everything. For starters, pain and difficulty don't mean something "went wrong" but, rather, went right in the sense of... marriage, li
...more
Lena
Early in his career, Passionate Marriage author David Snarch found it odd that sex therapy and marital therapy were two entirely separate disciplines. He spent the next several decades refining his theory that what happens in the bedroom can be an important window into the dynamics of the greater marriage itself.

Though ostensibly about sex, Passionate Marriage is really about the process of individuation. Learning how to be an individual and a partner at the same time is no easy task for many of
...more
Teresa Catlin
Although this book is almost as weighty as a textbook, I HIGHLY recommend it! It is the first NEW point of view on marriage and relationships that I'd read for a very long time. It is not really about sex--at least not for its own sake--but looks at sex as the "crucible" in which a lot of emotional issues are worked out.

It is a book that I think everyone, if they were willing to read it, would get a lot of insight from. It's interesting to me that so few of the people I've given it to or recomme
...more
Kerim
In the work I've done helping others with their relationships, I've had the opportunity to read plenty of self-help books on relationships. Most of the time I find the books useless, if not harmful. On the recommendation of a friend I checked this book out from the library. Now I'm buying it. I'm also recommending it to every person I know who is ready to make improvements in ALL of their relationships--including their relationships with their self.
While other books focus on trying to communicat
...more
Laura
Two things I did not like: 1)The part that degenerates into self-help. (I loathe self-help books because they tell me what to do.) 2) The title. A boring but more apt title might be "Understanding Identity, Sexuality & Intimacy". That said, I can't recall ever reading a book the way I read this one. I cried, I reread, I underlined and starred, I put it down for a few minutes every now and then so I could think. Because I have spent the past five or so years struggling intensely with identity ...more
Nina Bradley
This is a book I needed to read when I was a teenager. My review of five stars is not based on how well the author writes or communicates, but rather how important I think this information is. We grow up with a distorted sense of what love and intimacy are all about. That is to say we think it is all about us and our needs. We seek to fulfill ourselves through our relationships and get our needs met and our very selves validated by other people. The Passionate Marriage approach (although I think ...more
Michele Fogal
Jun 13, 2014 Michele Fogal marked it as to-read  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: life-learning
The Intro to this book was very pompous sounding as in, this is the greatest book ever and I wouldn't change a thing, but who knows, maybe he has some great things to say.

I like the concept of differentiation - figuring out what you really believe in without influence or pressure from anyone else. That is a great idea when linked with how to be intimate. First, be wholly yourself.

Also this idea that we think intimacy is disclosing something personal to someone and then having them validate our e
...more
Michelle
A great book for understanding and dismantling the brick walls - those arguments that have become impasses.

From the book blurb: "Schnarch's fundamental lesson is differentiation -- the often threatening process of defining yourself as separate from your partner, which inevitably draws you closer to your partner than you ever dreamed possible."

The author describes and outlines the processes of differentiation and fusion, how they each play out, look, and feel, and how people get from one to the
...more
Margareta Ackerman
Without a shred of a doubt, the best book on marriage out there.

This is the book that saved my marriage. I recommend it to all my friends and everyone I meet whose marriage is in trouble.

Unlike the great majority of other books on the subject, this one explains that marriage isn't just about being nice to each other, listening, understanding, caring, etc. It is a complex system with inevitable hard times. It explains how your relationships fit into your life a whole, and how a marital crisis is
...more
Duc
Differentiation, self-validation. I randomly picked up this book and B&N. Then flip through it. It talks frankly. I was shock to find the author's differentiations between sex, love making, and f*ing. This greatly impressed as most book of this nature doesn't talk honestly about the subject. At the same time, I also picked up 'Seven Levels of Intimacy'. After reading some of the Goodreads reviews, I'm convinced that I should read this book before any other self-help books on relationships.
Dr
...more
Sara
I hesitated putting this book on my virtual bookshelf because some may find the language and details offensive or too descriptive. Those parts can be skimmed over if you want. However, this is not a sex "how to" book. It is all about maturing in a committed relationship (marriage) and confronting yourself and acting out of integrity. The crucible of marriage, as David Schnarch explains, is all about a marriage falling together when it appears to be falling apart. Differentiation is the key to a ...more
Alana Munro
Definitely a must read for any couple. Shows us how to keep love and intimacy alive. Well worth a read.
Kevan
Intense, blunt, enlightening, inspiring. A vision for marriage that transcends mundane visions I've heard before, rooted in deep clinical study. Schnarch (what a name) presents marriage as the pinnacle of human evolution, deep connection as the ultimate path to eroticism, and straight-ahead conflict as the necessary door to long-term happiness. I only made it through 45% of this book before abandoning it earlier this year (it just seemed so lengthy; but reading on an eReader I had a hard time ga ...more
Yessi Young
I gave a good rating because David Schnarch has a brilliant philosophy and truly self-discloses himself. This is not just about sex, but about being brave enough to let our spouses (or long-term partners) see our genuine selves. This book is not about compromise with your partner, but rather about facing ourselves. For one person to do more of something and the other person to do less of something for the sake of compromise can cause resentment overtime. But to face yourself and ask "do I really ...more
Kelly
Jun 10, 2007 Kelly rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: those in long-term relationships who's sex life is flagging (or has in the past)
This book was kinda hard to read because, well, that kinda stuff is *private* in my world, eh? However Schnartch delves into sex and the negotiation it's really about - as well as his great concept of differentiation - that really impressed me. It was a great book, despite a small handful of the Dr.'s own sexist references and outdated concepts.
Esonja
I am clearly the most differentiated!! Me!!

Or, I am clearly interested in beefing up for Marriage Olympics. Let's just call this guy Béla Károlyi and be done with it, eh? I have gotten so much use out of this book, I'd like to say I took up temporary residence in the crucible for a few months. Really great for me and mine.
Jenny
The first two chapters are quite good abouts differentiation and its importance in relationship. I stopped reading shortly after that as the quality of the book and the extent of the author's ego threatened to negate anything useful he had to say in the beginning.
Lee Kofman
Even though at times the book challenged me to reconsider my own behaviour in marriage, mostly it was full of clichés and grand statements. It felt like just another religious tract (indeed, the author seems to be oddly, obscurely ‘spiritual’ in some fashionably eastern hard-to-define way), where one assumption is used to explain everything. If Marx was obsessed with money and Freud with sex, then David Schnarch’s fixation is on what he calls ‘differentiation’. If the relationship is not working ...more
Tanish
it's kind of slow going and good food for thought- a refreshingly different perspective on relationships so far...
Jenny
this is a great book for anyone who wants to improve any relationship they're in, not just marriage. Warning: it contains graphic descriptions of sex.main ideas: to improve the relationship you have to be willing to be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. You have to be willing to show your true self to your partner. arguing and fighting in marriage is not necessarily bad, it is necessary for growth. To improve your relationships you have to be willing to go through cycles of growth and ...more
Laura
This book is the only relationship counselling book I will ever need. It was feminist, body positive, and everything I needed to hear. The foundation of the book is that personal growth leads to a better relationship. Having integrity, being honest, confronting your own baggage - those are the building blocks of this book. It is empowering, let me just say that.
This book made me aware of my own need and search for validation. As well, I can now see how little agency I was giving myself in my li
...more
Emiko
While the overarching theme of this book is more about loving yourself than loving the other person, it makes the idea seem much less harsh and selfish than it sounds. Schnarch homes in our ability to give our love to another when our own brokenness is repaired, otherwise hindering our ability for deep intimacy. To me, this book is much more about healing than it is about passion, and that with virtually no special techniques aside from the Bowenian theory approach to differentiation--be your ow ...more
Carol
I LOVE THIS BOOK! Schnarch’s thesis can be condensed into the following quote, “Trusting me isn’t going to change you; trusting (and mobilizing) yourself will. The endpoint of differentiation is being willing and able to trust yourself” What is so fantastic about Schnarch theory is that its application is not limited to the context of marriage; but any intimate relationship. The process of differentiation is a journey of discovering oneself and can only occur in the context of close relationship ...more
Nancy
I'm enjoying this more than I expected. While the author tends to be repetitive with some of his content, it's also a good way to make the points sink in to this forgetful reader's consciousness. He also seems to have a few overly described sex scenes in it-- did his editor suggest this to help the book become more popular? However, the perspective he takes on relationships, based on his years of counseling and teaching at a med school, is fresh and seems right on and is giving me new insights. ...more
Carli
I wasn't sure if I should include this book on my virtual bookshelf because there is a lot that might (will) offend the lds person. The language can be frank and graphic and Dr Schnarch includes peeks into the sex lives of his patients that is often just too much. I mean, you can skim or skip those parts, obviously, but things tend to sneak into view. So I don't recommend this lightly or broadly. Having said that, I think that he includes those things in good faith (from his point of view) and n ...more
Amy
Title is misleading. This isn't a "how-to" book on how to have a more passionate marriage. It is more of a memoir of a psychotherapist about some of the couples he's treated in his practice throughout the years. I was fascinated by some of the stories and the processes these couples had to work through to improve themselves in order to improve their marriages, only because I've worked through my own therapy process in the past for recovering from depression. In all of the couples were partners w ...more
Cristen Boorman
Even though I am single this book is a really good book as it goes through how to be "differentiated" in a committed relationship. This means being able to hold onto yourself in a relationship to ensure it and you stay healthy and happy. The idea of self-validation rather than partner validation is very interesting as he goes through the importance of gaining strength from within and how to keep yourself grounded in a committed relationship.
David describes several couples that he had seen throug
...more
Kelly Ballard
Does your relationship feel stuck? Going through the same patterns over and over? Bored? Read Passionate Marriage. My husband and I just finished reading this life-changing book. I’m serious – life-changing, however – not for the faint of heart. This book is blunt with a capital “B.”

Schnarch believes the dynamics of your relationships, for better or worse, are displayed in your sexual behaviors (i.e. who wants what, frequency, satisfaction…) Thus what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom
...more
Myridian
This is Schnarch's attempt at merging marital and sex therapy. My reaction to this book is very mixed. On the one hand I think that there are a lot of valuable points in the book. On the other, I really disliked reading it, only finished it because I was getting CE credits for it (available on http://www.ce-credit.com/ btw) and felt I had to read every word, and feel there are some serious limitations to his conceptualization.

So first the good. Scharch's two main points are 1) that self-soothing
...more
Art
Dec 23, 2007 Art rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: married couples who want each other's intimacy
Shelves: marriage-family
"Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships" by David Schnarch is filled with stories of David Schnarch's marriage counseling couples. He had some great terms to learn (which I'll probably forget the terms but I hope the concepts stick with practice), such as "differentiation"- meaning , self-validating your convictions and desires and not being inhibited by presuppositions of your spouse's reactions or by waiting for your spouse to approve of your desires or ...more
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  • The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love
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David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of numerous books and articles on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships. He is the Director of the Crucible Institute and his work has attracted clients and students from across the globe. His book Passionate Marriage is a perennial bestseller, offering the general public his revolutionary approach in a pragma ...more
More about David Schnarch...
Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship Secrets of a Passionate Marriage: How to Increase Sexual Pleasure and Emotional Fulfillment in Committed Relationships Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy an Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship Passionate Couples

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