Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in he...
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Aug 23, 2010
Wonderful study on mother/daughter relationships and communication
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Jan 29, 2012
Tannen, also the author of You Just Don't Understand: Men in Women in Conversation and You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters in Conversation Throughout their Lives, is a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, not a child psychologist, but someone who deconstructs conversations and their meanings. You're Wearing That? is based on her research, combined with case studies and conversations between moms and daughters that Tannen observed over a period of time.
In the case of the More...
In the case of the More...
Jul 29, 2011
Many people often tell me that I need to change the way I interact with my mother. Yet very rarely am I given solid advice from people who understand psychologically or otherwise what a struggle this is and how to even begin to change. A relationship with a mother and daughter is already unique not to mention the added dynamics that life throws in. This book was a tool for me; a stepping stone in reframing the way I interpret comments and behaviours thereby affecting the way I respond to them
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Jan 31, 2010
Annie
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I have five sisters so I was drawn to read this book written by a linguist who interviewed then analyzed hundreds of women about their experiences as sisters. While I read this book, I felt it validated my experience as a sister and also helped me to think about other perspectives my sisters may have. The author was very reasonable and made sure to quantify her claims. She didn’t make sweeping generalizations, but instead touched upon the themes of closeness and competitiveness, how important
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Apr 10, 2009
Chris
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Maybe it's because I'm a guy and these things are not intuitive to me, but I found Tannen's book absolutely fascinating. Her insights are fresh and provocative. The way she describes the conversational patterns of mothers and daughters--while new to me--is absolutely in line with most everything I've observed.
New things I learned:
We all want to be as close as we desire, but no closer. This is universal. Too close and we feel exposed/vulnerable.
There are More...
New things I learned:
We all want to be as close as we desire, but no closer. This is universal. Too close and we feel exposed/vulnerable.
There are More...
Feb 16, 2009
Laura
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This is a really insightful book about relationships between mothers and daughters. It helps to understand the relationships between mothers and daughters when we know that we see each other as reflections of ourselves. I had to laugh when I read the chapters where mothers and daughters expressed their conflict over hairstyles and clothing. It seems for some mother/daughter pairs this doesn't end at the end of the daughter's teenage years. Another aspect of the relationship dynamic is that t
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Aug 15, 2011
Stephanie
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This book reminded me mostly of one of my textbooks in Interpersonal Communication 101 in college, right down to the transcribed conversations included to make the author's points. Tannen posits that mothers and daughters have three big issues they tend to clash over (hair, clothes, weight), which, while it may be true for others, isn't now and never has been a big issue for me, though I do clash what I assume is the average amount of time with my own mom and mother-in-law. (I would say for me
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Mar 26, 2010
Tessa
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I made it to page 119 of this book. I went in wanting to learn some techniques to break through the rut of typical mother-daughter quarreling patterns, instead I found a rehashing of why they happen. And a not particularly insightful one. It's not that the things Tannen is describing aren't true, they are just kind of obvious. There's a huge chapter explaining the concept that mothers and daughters tend to compare themselves to each other. WOW.
And sometimes Tannen's explanations More...
And sometimes Tannen's explanations More...
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Jan 29, 2012
Kimberlie
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I don't know if I should count this as read or not. I listened to about 2/3 of it, but when it was due at the library I didn't care to finish so turned it in. It had some great insights into adult mother/daughter relationships, but I guess I was looking for something more applicable to my daughters and me now.
Jul 17, 2009
Rebecca
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Why do moms and daughters hurt each other with words? Read this and understand the relationship you share better - how to say what you mean and understand each other. A joyful but honest look into a very complicated relationship.
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Jan 07, 2009
Elaine
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Mothers are viewed by their daughters through an intricate, specialized window. It's very easy for Mom's and daughters to misunderstand their daughters. In communication there is a message and a meta-message. Tone, sarcasm, body language all contribute to the meta-message. the message might be, "I don't care.", but there can be many meanings to this. Often it's best for Mom's to not say anything. The daughters are looking for encouragement. The tables pretty much reverse at some point.
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Feb 14, 2010
Carol
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Tannen examines many, many conversations her students have reported or other women have emailed her. Basis ideas are 1) finding a balance between connection and control 2) learning to identify the "lightning rods" of mother/daughter interactions, and 3) generally learning to bite your tongue. An interesting perspective is that language functions on both the message level, and the metamessage level, and herein lies the problems which often occur as mothers and daughters try to establis
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Aug 04, 2011
Ronald
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My first introduction to Deborah Tannen, and I was surprised to learn of her rise to fame with past best-sellers and appearances as an expert guest on many major television and radio shows. The material in this book was interesting, and because it mainly presented collected information and observations, and little in the way of advice, it only hinted at the genre of "pop psychology", which I can find insulting. Reading this book made me think of past and current relationships within my
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Jun 09, 2009
Anna
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Wiele przykładów podanych przez Deborah Tannen mimo, że pochodzą z amerykańskiego społeczeństwa można łatwo przekształcić na polskie warunki. Nie takie ubranie, uczesanie, zachowanie, znajomi, koledzy, koleżanki, przyjaciółki, zainteresowania, wybór drogi życiowej - matki zawsze znajdą powód do krytykowania córek, nawet jak ich słowa brzmią jak zwykłe, dobre rady (czasami nie pasujące do obecnej rzeczywistości i sytuacji córki).
Włosy to nie ręka - odrosną. More...
Włosy to nie ręka - odrosną. More...
Dec 05, 2008
Jennifer
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Excellent opportunity to make sense of the complicated relationships that you are in--that whole 'can't see the forest for the trees' dilemma. As one of three sisters, it's always interesting to me that my sisters and I have such different relationships with the same mother...and to see how she has a different relationship with her own mother (as compared to her sisters). Now with a daughter of my own, I'll try to remember some of Tannen's talking points--keeping us seeing each other for who we
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Jul 23, 2009
Ngaire
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I keep picking this up and then putting it down - some of it strikes really close to home, and some of it I can't relate to at all - you can definitely tell that the subjects are all American and some of their experiences are quite different (like the mother and daughter fighting over the daughter's 1 hour twenty commute!!! Imagine driving that far to work!). It's nice to see things from the point to view of mothers, and to hear my own experiences as a daughter validated too.
Finishe More...
Finishe More...
Dec 19, 2009
Megan
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Just like the author's goal in writing this book, I ended up understanding a great deal about the different views and interpretations that mothers and daughters tend to have. As it seems like it naturally happens to all, the interpretations tend to be opposite ends of the spectrum between mothers and daughters. What made me appreciate this book was the fact that the author had done her research by interviewing many mothers/daughters as it is mentioned often throughout the book. If I remember c
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Mar 13, 2008
Ann
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Mothers, daughters and communication are the subject of this work by linguist Deborah Tannen. She suggests that mothers and daughters have a different kind of bond from other bonds such as mother/son, father/daughter, man/woman, etc. and that this uniqueness is at the root of communication misunderstandings between the two.
As with her other books for the layman, she gives many examples to illustrate her points and shows how a word or phrase can mean one thing to a mother and is hear More...
As with her other books for the layman, she gives many examples to illustrate her points and shows how a word or phrase can mean one thing to a mother and is hear More...
Aug 25, 2007
Zanny
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First off, I must say that this book has been EXPERTLY titled. If I had a nickel every time my mother asked me...
This book contained several clever observations and helpful insights, perhaps the most helpful being the simple fact that I am NOT the only daughter out there who was occasionally [continually] frustrated and even amazed by my mother's daunting attention. I was able to read about mother-daughter talks that resonated so like those I recall having had with my own mother [at leas More...
This book contained several clever observations and helpful insights, perhaps the most helpful being the simple fact that I am NOT the only daughter out there who was occasionally [continually] frustrated and even amazed by my mother's daunting attention. I was able to read about mother-daughter talks that resonated so like those I recall having had with my own mother [at leas More...
Feb 20, 2010
Sally
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I chose to read this book because I wanted to think about my conversations with my own daughter, and in the process, I gained a new appreciation for my mother. She is very encouraging and supportive of me, and I can't think of any time she's ever criticized or second-guessed me, as many of the women in the book complain about their own mothers having done. I enjoyed this book and found it helpful in the ways it looked at what we say and what our actual messages are.
May 10, 2009
Rebecca
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This is an insightful look into how mothers and daughters talk to each other, written by an expert in sociolinguistics. The complex mother-daughter relationship can make our conversations at times wonderful but at other times the ones we most dread. Drawing on the author's own research, the book is filled with real examples of conversations. While not everything resonated with me, much of it did. After reading it, I gave it to my mom for Mother's Day. By understanding more about metamessages and
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Sep 27, 2011
Jennifer
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So far, I love this book almost more than I do "You Just Don't Understand!"
Mothers and daughters have such unique and varied relationships. In communicating with each other, especially as daughters mature into their own people (and sometimes mothers), there's a balance between both parties regarding intimacy and independence. This book is just plain fascinating. And let's not forget about the hair!!
Mothers and daughters have such unique and varied relationships. In communicating with each other, especially as daughters mature into their own people (and sometimes mothers), there's a balance between both parties regarding intimacy and independence. This book is just plain fascinating. And let's not forget about the hair!!
Mar 21, 2010
Heidi
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Deborah Tannen isn't very deep or super sophisticated, nor is her writing high-quality. But she has some good insights and I sometimes felt like she must have been in my parents' house watching me, my sister, and my mom interact. The book helped me stand in my mother's shoes, and see things from her perspective. And it seems like it could do the same for her. :)
Sep 16, 2010
Tish
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I don't usually get into non-fiction, but this book really hit home. I was amazed at how much sense Tannen's philosophy made to me. And honestly, not only has reading it improved my communication with my mother, but it has improved my relationship with my daughter as well. Worth the read, ladies.
Jun 21, 2009
Tara
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Tannen was a must-read for interpersonal communication classes and is most noted for her research on the differences between male and female communication styles. Aside from obvious issues with mother-daughter communication, there were some surprisingly fresh ideas that she delved into. Good.
Apr 21, 2009
Kelly
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I found this book intriguing and it made me evaluate the conversations I have had with my mother and my two daughters that began fine but ended in arguments. I have always used the mantra that "perception is reality" and this book shows that. The meta talking that Tannen refers to makes sense.
Feb 07, 2012
Ann
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As the mother of five grown daughters I looked forward to reading this best seller on communicating with adult daughters. It is well written but not very informative. Her soft science seemed a little too soft for my taste. It was if she had reached conclusions and then interviewed women to prove them.
Jan 02, 2009
Jeanine Marie
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I agree with Dr. Tannen when she states that this is the mother of all relationships. This book nicely sums up important communication, psychotherapy, and emotionally focused theory. She humorously and gently makes her points with poignant family stories and anecdotes.
Aug 08, 2010
Alycia
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Published in 2006, this reads like it was written earlier, dusted off, updated with bits on email and "instant messaging." I had hoped for a little more insight on how to avoid the common communication pitfalls, but mostly this was anecdotal with a brief, almost off-the-cuff suggestion at the end to try redirecting the conversation.
Apr 14, 2011
Whitney
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Great normalizing read about teen and adult mother-daughter relationships. Helped me gain perspective into my own relationship, why my mom does what she does and why I respond the way I do. Has also given me some insight into how to move forward more easily.
