The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler

Apr 25, 2011 Reese rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: gr-finds

My interest in the "women who surrendered children for adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade" meant that Ann Fessler probably could not have produced a work on this subject that I would have begun and abandoned. Nevertheless, about one-third of the way through THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY, I realized that this is a book that I would have to read in "chunklets." Although Fessler does present stats, history, and commentary to capture "the big picture," the book is dominated by the narratives of "t...more My interest in the "women who surrendered children for adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade" meant that Ann Fessler probably could not have produced a work on this subject that I would have begun and abandoned. Nevertheless, about one-third of the way through THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY, I realized that this is a book that I would have to read in "chunklets." Although Fessler does present stats, history, and commentary to capture "the big picture," the book is dominated by the narratives of "the girls who went away" and, in many cases, years later found or were found by the children who were given away. Their experiences "reach out and touch" -- or grab -- you, but they have so many common elements that you might wonder if the cat moved your bookmark and you're reading what you've already read. I wanted to be feeling sympathy and outrage, not to be thinking, "Here we go again." I was reading about woman after woman who was not permitted to see the infant that had been developing inside her for nine months, who was given "an hour to say goodbye" to her baby (160), who had "to live with the trauma of losing [a] child and then . . . with the trauma of knowing [she] didn't stop it (163), who was not allowed to be "true to who [she] really [was]"(207), and/or who did not have the "opportunity to express feelings about the loss"(209). The pain of a loss that is not final and shame -- that most powerful of feelings -- shaped the adult lives of most of the women whom Fessler interviewed. Being sent to "homes" for unwed mothers, being pressured to believe that they could not raise and did not deserve to raise the children who sprang from their sins, being misinformed, being kept uninformed, being coerced into signing the papers that would make others the parents of their children -- let's face it -- this is stuff that will f--- you up for life. Fascinating stuff too. But how many individual experiences does one need to read to understand "the girls who went away"? Should I have felt impatient? Should Fessler have selected considerably fewer stories to include in her book? I thought so.

And then a memory stopped me from thinking so. On one of the many occasions when I have listened to a Holocaust survivor whom I think of as "our state's Elie Wiesel," Gizella Abramson told her audience about being a teenager in a camp with another teenager who, day after day, kept saying (in her native language, of course), "My name is Hana Meitnerova." The seemingly endless repetition of this statement irritated Gizella to the point that she yelled at Hana, "I know your name! We all know your name! Will you stop saying it?!!!" Only as an adult looking back on this experience did Gizella realize why Hana Meitnerova, who became one of the exterminated millions, announced her name ad nauseam: she wanted to make certain that she would be remembered. The unmarried women who felt compelled to give up their babies in the 1950s and 1960s were, for decades, ignored and silenced. Records were sealed; records were altered; letters were discarded, etc. And so I came to see what seemed like unnecessary and tedious repetition in Fessler's work as the author's way of giving each woman who wanted/needed to tell her story a chance to be "heard." Repetition is sometimes the only option when "Attention must be paid" (Arthur Miller, DEATH OF A SALESMAN). (less)

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May 24, 2008 Yosafbridg rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

On December 26 of last year Diane Rehm had Ann Fessler on her show to talk about the book The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade, she also talked to some of the women featured in the book. I was listening to the show a while ago (yes i know, more than a little late there~but i have many podcasts stacked up on my computer and i just listen to them whenever). Actually i think it was the second time i listened to...more On December 26 of last year Diane Rehm had Ann Fessler on her show to talk about the book The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade, she also talked to some of the women featured in the book. I was listening to the show a while ago (yes i know, more than a little late there~but i have many podcasts stacked up on my computer and i just listen to them whenever). Actually i think it was the second time i listened to that particular show, and then i decided to read the book even though i knew it would bring up issues for me.

I am an adoptee who really has never had any desire to seek out my birth mother. I used to have a baby book (well i'm sure i still have it~i just don't know where~it used to be on a certain shelf in my mother's bedroom where i could always find it~and then, at some point in my "adult" life she decided to give it to me~silly, silly mom...), a special baby book made just for adoptees, talking about how special and lucky we were to be chosen. I loved that baby book and would seek it out again and again (is that something that everyone does?) not just to look at pictures of myself when i was young, and to read notes from my father of my wonderful progress through infancy and toddlerhood (as well as some of those kindergarten "report cards"~one in which my teacher said i acted like a china doll, as if i was afraid to move for fear i would break~ha, little did she know~after forty years of many broken bones that five-year old self knew more than she could possibly imagine), but also to read that tiny 1/3 of a sheet of information about my birthparents (some ethnic info: German on both sides, Irish on one, French on the other, as i've already mentioned; mother very intelligent and wanting the best for me; father completed college and involved in "some kind" of electrical work~perhaps he was an alien just passing through our solar system on his way to elsewhere~my quirky body chemistry has sometimes led me to suspect as much.) There was also a few pages written by the foster mother who cared for me for the first five weeks of my life~talking about what a wonderful baby i was~i remember poring over those pages, i don't know when it was that i realized those blacked-out portions were the name i was called before i was me. In reading the accounts of these birth-mothers i realized that many of them named their babies before they were surrendered~perhaps i even had two names before the one that currently identifies me~the one that IS me, that seems to be so much a part of everything that i am~that is quite a ponderous thought.

So many of the women in this book talked about how they felt forced or coerced into surrendering their children, that it is not something they wanted to do. I understand that this was a different time period that perhaps i cannot relate to but my personality is such that i would make a choice that i really didn't want to, my mother who IS of this generation never would either. I really am not criticizing these women, but i believe they are, in some ways not taking responsibility for their choices, they DID make a choice, even in allowing others to make choices for them. Do i feel for them? Absolutely, i even cried for them. I also cried for myself. Though i am glad my birthmother gave me "a way" (for a better life~as one of the women said) she also left me with some abandonment and rejection issues, which, through reinforcement with some other life events, have led to trust and commitment issues (which i fully own as mine.) Even if she felt forced into what she did i don't feel there is any place in my life for her (plus there is a fear of a second rejection if i sought her out).

I felt sorry for young women who had no sexual knowledge or education whatsoever, who, often, had their first physical exam as adults be their first prenatal exam by judgemental, paternalistic MDs; who had to live in homes for "deviants and delinquents"; who gave birth alone and afraid with no idea what was going on, then had to try and pretend nothing happened. One woman who had gone through an abortion years after she gave up her baby for adoption said giving up the baby was much more traumatic~knowing that there was a part of you out there, maybe, you didn't know whether it was living or dead, doing well or not~that is why i could never do it. I have no blame for these women, it was terrible to shame them the way they were shamed (as if they "had no right to be a mother")~expecting people not to do something that has always been done and giving them no education or options is no option~societies all over have proven that~restrictions often make the forbidden all that more appealing.

I do not agree with the woman who objects to the term "birth-mother" (also terms such as natural mother, life mother, biological mother, first mother, etc.) as if they weren't a real mother~i don't believe they are, my real mother is the woman who raised me, who mothered me, not the woman who made a mistake, carried me for nine months, and birthed me, though i'm grateful i often have a hard time coming up with a name for her myself (sometimes she is just "that woman"~i'm really not as bitter as i sound). And although i sometimes think i want a medical history (especially given my medical problems~what i don't know and what i do know is one of the many reasons i have chosen not to have my own children) But i have also always had the sense that not knowing gives me the freedom to not be limited by my own genetics, as unreasonable as that is. But why should we expect feelings to be rational.

The book, however, is well worth reading and gives you a glimpse into something that has often remained hidden.
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Oct 14, 2007 Ellen rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

This was pretty interesting and eye-opening. Not to be insensitive, but to the casual reader (me), it seems to drag a bit and repeat the same concepts over and over. I get it, already. I found myself skipping over quite a few parts.

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Dec 13, 2008 Christina rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2008-reads, library-book, nonfiction

On a complete accident I managed to stumble across The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade on GoodReads while typing in another title and I have found a new love, which is surprising because I rarely, if ever, read non-fiction works.

I am surprised that his book did not get more press coverage when it was published because (a) it discusses something that most people tried to hush up and (b) it calls for pro-choic...more On a complete accident I managed to stumble across The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade on GoodReads while typing in another title and I have found a new love, which is surprising because I rarely, if ever, read non-fiction works.

I am surprised that his book did not get more press coverage when it was published because (a) it discusses something that most people tried to hush up and (b) it calls for pro-choice.

I cannot seem to put into words how much I enjoyed this book other than this a powerful book that I think everyone on both sides of this debate should read.

I, personally, am a big advocate for real sex education in high schools like how to put on rubbers and such. Not this pansy abstinence only sex education that teaches kids that condoms aren’t affective so they shouldn’t even bother. This book only reaffirmed that belief for me but it also helped me understand why people are also against abortion. Many of these women who were forced to give up their babies and never given the chance to be mothers to their children said they still do not regret having their child.

The Girls Who Went Away puts into words what I cannot. It’s gripping and emotional and something I wish I was able to say came from my own personal bookshelf.

“Obviously, no one would want to advocate early sexual activity among teenagers, but leaving young people uninformed only postpones and complicates the problem-a problem that ultimately becomes one of unplanned pregnancy.” {pg.296}

“If they’re going to do away with Roe v. Wade, I’m afraid I’m going to have to get on a train. I’ll be in Washington to protest, because I can’t even imagine the injustice of it for every girl who follows behind me. It’s such a knife in the heart of the women of this country. And threat comes from a Catholic!” –Maureen II {pg. 296-297}

“You know what? You’re gonna forget all about, you’re gonna go home, and you’re gonna met a nice young man, and you’re gonna get married, and you’re gonna have other babies, and you’re never even gonna remember you had this one.” {pg. 325}(less)

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Sep 03, 2008 Trena rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was written to expose secrets kept when there was no option for a pregnant teenager but to have the baby. It focused on girls of middle and upper classes, mostly white, who were sent to maternity homes before they began to show, and came home after the baby was born.

It was a bit uncomfortable to read, because almost all of the women had not wanted to give up their babies, and adoption was painted in an extremely negative light as being unfair to birth mothers (the author objects to th...more

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May 09, 2008 Kendra rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: adoption

Fessler, an adoptee, began a project in which she interviewed women who placed children for adoption between the end of World War II and the Roe v. Wade decision. The transcribed stories are heartbreaking, and it's horrifying to see how these women were treated by their families, by society, by medical staff, and by the social workers at the maternity homes where many of them spent their pregnancies. It's an eye-opening read and is food for thought regarding what has and hasn't changed since the...more

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May 16, 2008 Ginny Messina rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: history

A fascinating and heartbreaking study of the experiences of girls who had out-of-wedlock babies in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. It is told mostly through personal narratives with some additional text about demographics and mores of the middle 20th century. According to the author, one and one half million babies were given up for adoption in the years between 1945 and 1973. Of the women who contributed to this book, nearly all of them were forced to surrender their babies for adoption, (often after...more

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Jan 16, 2008 Gwen rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I LOVED this book. Fessler interviews women who "went away" between the 1940s and 1972--that is, women who got pregnant out of wedlock and were sent away to unwed mother homes and then gave their children up for adoption. From these interviews it becomes clear that many of these women did not willingly give up their babies for adoption. They were pressured, or even forced, to give them up--by parents, social workers, nurses, and religious leaders. Those who did give them up "voluntarily" often r...more I LOVED this book. Fessler interviews women who "went away" between the 1940s and 1972--that is, women who got pregnant out of wedlock and were sent away to unwed mother homes and then gave their children up for adoption. From these interviews it becomes clear that many of these women did not willingly give up their babies for adoption. They were pressured, or even forced, to give them up--by parents, social workers, nurses, and religious leaders. Those who did give them up "voluntarily" often report a desperation to get back in their parents' good graces again, lack of economic resources to keep the child, and manipulation by social workers.

The girls are all told giving up their baby is the "unselfish" thing to do, and wanting to keep their baby is robbing that baby of a wonderful family--adoptive families all consisting of doctors and stay-at-home moms, of course. The manipulation of the social workers is especially horrifying--telling girls they can't change their mind after signing papers (they could), hiding a girl's baby until the girl finally give up and signs, reminding the girls they will be considered sluts if they try to raise the child. It was entirely unethical behavior.

Because this was the period where the sexual double standard was especially entrenched, the fathers of these children get off totally free. Their lives are not permanently disrupted, their reputations aren't ruined--the girls were generally blamed and suffered the negative consequences (physically, obviously, but also socially).

Despite being told they would forget about the baby, the women report livelong trauma from the experience; they worry about what happened to their children, they feel guilt for giving them up, and they resent their parents and others who they felt forced them to give up a baby instead of supporting them. Some got married to the first man to come along so they could have another baby, hoping having another one would make them feel better.

It's a heartbreaking book, and it made me rethink adoption of newborns, even now--that is, are we sure today that young women putting babies up for adoption aren't doing it due to parental or other pressure? We still vilify young women who back out of an adoption at the last minute, as though they have taken something from the adoptive parents and are being selfish--that it's wrong for them to be attached to, and want to raise, their children.

And we still make it difficult for adoptees to get access to their adoption records. It's ridiculous, and I will totally support any open-records legislation that I might have the change to vote on.(less)

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Mar 24, 2009 Kristi Dixon rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I'm embarrassed to say that prior to reading this book it never even occurred to me that this heavily marginalized group even existed. This book is a great example of breaking the silence on yet another issue that has been kept secret for way too long.

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Jul 24, 2012 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Fessler intersperses the history and studies of homes for unwed mothers between World War II and the early 1970s with the first-person stories of some of the women who went through the experience, and bookends the whole collection with her story of locating her own birth mother. At first, I thought the format would get old, or that the women's stories would be repetitive and just too depressing, but nearly every woman's story made me gasp or shake my head in disbelief at some point in the tellin...more

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Jul 16, 2012 Phyllis Laatsch rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I don't know if it's because I read it so fast, but it got fairly repetitive. OK, so I still cried through a lot of it.

I think it could have been a lot stronger if the author had sought out other adopted children. She could even have taken the time to find mothers who had kept their babies in similar conditions - and their "bastard" children. There are a few mentions of them from time to time, but not the direct, first-person narrative like the mothers who surrendered their children.

It could hav...more

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Jun 29, 2012 Salela rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Here is the review I provided for _Choice Reviews Online_

In a delicately balanced synthesis of oral history and scholarly research, Fessler (photography, Rhode Island School of Design) reveals the hidden history of young women who were coerced against their will to relinquish their newborn children in the years preceding Roe v. Wade. The author opens the door on a little-known social-historical era by providing firsthand accounts of several women (chosen from Fessler's more than 100 personal int...more

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Jan 20, 2012 Ellyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011

This book tells the stories of the many young, unmarried women, mostly white and middle class, who experienced unplanned pregnancies in their teens and twenties in the years following World War II and were forced to give their babies up for adoption in the face of tremendous family and community pressure. It was a different time, when single motherhood was rare, sex education scarce, and birth control largely unavailable, and the book does a good job of making that context clear. Many young wome...more

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Oct 24, 2011 Katie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: women, history, human-behavior, book-club

Since I'm not a mom, my opinion of this book can't be wholly trusted, but nonetheless, here it is:

Fessler compiled personal accounts from women who got pregnant out of wedlock in the 50s and 60s and had their children taken from them under the guise of "voluntary adoption." Every single one of these accounts was unjust and upsetting: Girls were ostracized by their own families, they were made to feel unworthy of motherhood, they weren't informed of their legal rights and - in many cases - were b...more Since I'm not a mom, my opinion of this book can't be wholly trusted, but nonetheless, here it is:

Fessler compiled personal accounts from women who got pregnant out of wedlock in the 50s and 60s and had their children taken from them under the guise of "voluntary adoption." Every single one of these accounts was unjust and upsetting: Girls were ostracized by their own families, they were made to feel unworthy of motherhood, they weren't informed of their legal rights and - in many cases - were blatantly lied to, and of course, worst of all, they had their children taken from them against their will. Then, given that this was a time of repressed emotions, the women were expected to simply forget about it and move on.

The cultural reaction was abominable enough, but legally, it's hard to believe that this even happened in America. What an incredible thing, to live in a time when you, on a personal level, could be lied to, misled and forced into doing something you didn't want to (and technically didn't have to) do by your state. It's difficult to fathom.

Hopefully this establishes that I find not informing citizens of their rights, particularly so you can then go and steal their babies, reprehensible. That said (you knew it was coming!), would keeping the baby have been the best decision for any of these women? In the typical case, the parents refused to offer any kind of financial or moral support, the boyfriend was MIA, the girl had no savings and hadn't yet graduated high school and therefore had slim, if any, job prospects...would they really have been able to take their babies home and raise them the way they deserved to be raised?

One girl made the point that several years after her first pregnancy, she had her second child. She still didn't have any money, she still didn't have a degree, she still didn't have a career, but this time, she was married, so all was well and she was "capable" therefore of being a mother. This of course just emphasizes the inanity of the culture's prejudice: Having a ring on your finger doesn't automatically mean you're in a good situation to have a child. Many single women are much better equipped to raise a life than married couples, unquestionably. However, my mind is in 2011 when I say that, though - not 1962. In 1962, an unwed mother didn't stand much of a chance without the support of her family and society's acceptance - neither of which she would have received.

Another girl - a 14-year-old - had talked it over with her boyfriend, and they were determined to get married. They had been saving up their dollars and had even bought a TV - clearly, one of the first things you need when having a baby and saving up to live independently. Who says this girl wasn't equipped to parent on her own!?

Yet another girl says she would have been able to do it with "just a little help." Since when is it anyone else's job to help you raise your child?? If you can't do it on your own and don't have anywhere to turn for support, can you really do it?

I'm not remotely suggesting that we create a financial or intellectual litmus test for motherhood and if the woman doesn't pass, she loses her child. That's ridiculous. But ultimately, the vast majority of these women - girls, really - couldn't have provided for their babies the way the adopted parents (in most cases) could - and the way the babies deserved. That doesn't excuse the near kidnappings that took place, but while the mothers may have suffered greatly, were the children better off?

I'm also a little confused about what the subtitle has to do with the book, other than to market to pro-choicers. Is Fessler suggesting that abortion would have been a better solution than adoption? Had abortion been available at the time, I'm sure many of these women would have at least seriously considered it and some would have gone through with it, but as the majority are now happily reunited with their children, I have a hard time believing that any would choose to go back in time and abort the kid away.

This book raises a lot of really interesting questions. Four stars for the thought-provoking content. Minus one for being too one-sided and a little repetitive. Net net, this "hidden history" is a worthwhile read, but readers should take care to consider the not-hidden history of adoption's benefits, as well. (less)

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Aug 20, 2011 Leonora rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This was a fascinating book that has changed my view of adoption. I wish I could give it 3.5 stars.

It was a good read. The bulk of the book is taken up with personal stories which are often similar and yet are individually compelling. The stories veer from the past to present tense but I think this was to preserve the feeling of immediacy you get when listening to a story in person.

I was pretty shocked by the, mostly emotional, brutality the girls were put through. It can be tempting in this d...more This was a fascinating book that has changed my view of adoption. I wish I could give it 3.5 stars.

It was a good read. The bulk of the book is taken up with personal stories which are often similar and yet are individually compelling. The stories veer from the past to present tense but I think this was to preserve the feeling of immediacy you get when listening to a story in person.

I was pretty shocked by the, mostly emotional, brutality the girls were put through. It can be tempting in this day an age to say that feminism failed. However, reading this book really hammered home to me how far we've come. Overwhelming shame and hypocrisy was prevalent throughout the stories. The girls' ignorance about sex and pregnancy was simply staggering. There is no better argument for sex education than this book.

The reason I did not give it 4 stars is that I did feel the book may have an agenda. All of the women in the book professed horrible guilt at having surrendered their babies. All of them said it affected the rest of their lives negatively. I find it hard to believe that all girls who did this felt one way about it. At the back of the book, the author makes a point to say that no one was sought out to specifically say anything and I think she's an ethical writer. But she found these women mostly through Birthmother networks. I'd assume most of these organizations attract women who regret their "choice". She could have canvassed wider. I wish she'd been a bit more concerned with painting a 100% accurate picture, rather than the picture that illustrates her point which is that it wasn't easy and it wasn't much of a choice, giving up your baby in the 50s and 60s.

Personally, I found the shame and emotional abuse the girls were subjected to for getting pregnant much worse than the separation of birth mother and child. But perhaps that's because I haven't given birth and can't understand.

It has affected how I see adoption. I never considered that such a bond could be formed from giving birth. And it has made me reconsider the wisdom of encouraging money-poor women to give up their babies. Perhaps we should instead have organizations that support them financially, as the book seems to suggest. The book also woke me up, which was its purpose, to the pain that at least most birth mothers face. It's making me look at a lot of things differently. I'd certainly recommend it.(less)

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May 09, 2011 Julie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Ann Fessler interviewed hundreds of women who became pregnant as unmarried teenage girls (some in their early twenties) who were sent to maternity homes to hide their pregnancies, then forced to give their babies up for adoption. I don't know what the sample is, but for the women Fessler interviewed years later, the pain and grief never went away. Adults told them that they would forget all about their babies, go right back to leading their normal teenage lives, and never remember these babies o...more

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Feb 01, 2011 Sue rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: history

If you are under 40, you will read this book from a viewpoint that is as distant as mine is when I read first person accounts of the Civil War. But if you are over 40, the stories of the women in this book will ring terrifyingly close to home as you remember the days of your own youth, when to be pregnant and unmarried was to be completely and totally ostracized from middle class society -- expelled from school, rejected by friends (and often family), and barred from any participation in the com...more If you are under 40, you will read this book from a viewpoint that is as distant as mine is when I read first person accounts of the Civil War. But if you are over 40, the stories of the women in this book will ring terrifyingly close to home as you remember the days of your own youth, when to be pregnant and unmarried was to be completely and totally ostracized from middle class society -- expelled from school, rejected by friends (and often family), and barred from any participation in the community once you had begun to "show." All of us of a certain age remember these young women, girls who one minute were a classmate or a fellow member of a church group and the next minute were simply gone -- usually with vague explanations from family members and a lot of speculative gossip from everyone else.

Though an unplanned pregnancy is a life-altering experience for anyone, I think it is probably impossible for members of the younger generation to understand the utter horror with which this news was greeted by middle-class families of the 1940's, 50's, and 60's. The stimatizing shame of a daughter who was unmarried and pregnant caused even well-intentioned families to put their daughters through a hell of which I was unaware prior to reading this book. Certainly I understood that the "girls who went away" had gone away to give birth to an illegitimate child. What I did not understand was the isolating and often demeaning environments in which these young women were forced to finish their pregnancies, give birth, and then make their final choice for adoption. (And I use the word "choice" loosely. In my youth, any girl who found herself "in trouble" had only two real choices: get married or give the baby up for adoption.)

The personal accounts in this book will offer insight into a time in our culture that is blessedly past, will illuminate the adoption experience for those of us who have not been through it, and will finally give a voice to a group of hidden young women who had no voice at one of the most critical points in their lives. (less)

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Jun 14, 2010 Ann Evans rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Oh my! When I had an abortion at 19, a friend who was pregnant at the same time surrendered her child for adoption. Thirty years later I got a letter from her telling me of her anguish and agony looking for her daughter, whom she finally found, after 15 years of searching, in The Netherlands. The daughter didn't want to have a relationship with her, though you never know what might happen some day.

This book told dozens of stories of ruined lives, untold anguish, unfathomable and unexplainable re...more

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Apr 28, 2010 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Fessler interviewed hundreds of mothers who were forced to give up their children during the 1940s through 1970s. During this time, sex education did not exist, nor did any real access to birth control. When women became pregnant outside of marriage, families went bat-shit crazy and either sent their girls to hide away in prison-like homes or kept them trapped in secret in their own homes. They were given no choice but to relinquish their children upon birth into closed adoptions, often through...more

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Jan 27, 2010 Judith rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

this is one of the most moving, and distrubing, colelcted oral histories I have read in quite a while. Ann Fessler, an adoptee whose adoptive mther was also adopted, records the tales and the traumas of a wide and varied pool of women who all had one large and usually hirrible experience in common : they were "sent away" Vo bear and relinguish their out-of-wedlock babies when they were young women. I guarantee that no thinking person will ever think lightly about adoption again after reading the...more

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Dec 30, 2009 Lisa rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: adoption, memoirs, non-fiction

I loved this book. It is a courageous effort by the author to research the experiences of so many U.S. birth mothers in the years following WWII, and share their stories, along with the historical context for the stories. Thus, not only do you hear from many birth mothers about their experience, but the author helps you understand the reasons behind the stories. Why were so many U.S. babies relinquished for adoption in the decades immediately following WWII?

As an adoptive mom, it was wonderful t...more I loved this book. It is a courageous effort by the author to research the experiences of so many U.S. birth mothers in the years following WWII, and share their stories, along with the historical context for the stories. Thus, not only do you hear from many birth mothers about their experience, but the author helps you understand the reasons behind the stories. Why were so many U.S. babies relinquished for adoption in the decades immediately following WWII?

As an adoptive mom, it was wonderful to hear a story told primarily from the perspective of birth moms. It was truly heartbreaking to hear how they were coerced into relinquishing their children by the very people who should have helped them - their parents and social workers. It is so sad that when they needed their own parents the most, to help them through the situation, instead they were shamed and sent into hiding to suffer alone. They were coerced into making a decision they didn't want to make, and they were never told they had other options and rights.

I was extemely angry at the parents of the pregnant girls, who didn't have the guts to stand up to society and help their daughters keep their babies, or even volunteer to raise their grandchildren. They were more concerned about how their own reputation would be tarnished. I did find it interesting that this occurred primarily among white middle class families. Other races found a way to keep the children within the extended family, rather than force their daughters to relinquish their children to strangers. It was not a question of lack of money, but a question of caring more about their repuation than their child and grandchild.

I was also very angry at the social workers (and nurses) who treated these girls so poorly. They were extremely cruel, lying to the girls about their options, shaming them into making a decision they didn't want to make, or lying to them and having them sign papers they didn't realize meant they were giving up their parental rights.

It's a scary book about how when you empower social workers to make these kinds of decisions about children, they can become very misguided and make extremely poor choices. I feel like this still happens, especially when social workers and others are allowed to make decisions during custody disputes when parents are divorced.

I applaud the author for taking the time to research this topic so carefully, interview hundreds of birth moms, and tell their story. I feel so sorry for the lifelong suffering inflicted upon these ladies.

Adoption truly is a story about loss for the birth families. All members of the adoption community need to recognize this fact, and the complexities involved in decisions to relinquish a child.

And our society needs to learn from the past, and be careful about the power we give to social workers, when we allow them to decide who makes a "better" family, who is entitled to raise a child, etc.(less)

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Oct 06, 2008 Lindsay rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: women's history buffs

Shelves: feminist-literature, history, memoir, nonfiction, americana, read-for-fun, read-postcollege

This book is a collection of eighteen women's recollections of giving up babies they had as teenagers in the 1950s and '60s, always without any consideration of whether they might want to keep the babies. These stories are bookended by the author's own saga of tracking down her biological mother and hearing HER story of giving up her child!

A powerful, eye-opening book; before reading this, I had no idea that women ever were forced to give up babies, let alone in such large numbers.

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Feb 20, 2012 Alison rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I think this is a great book - there were many well-articulated stories from women who gave their children up for adoption, and these stories make you think about the idea of being a birthmother in a more empathetic way. The pressures that young women face when in this kind of situation, especially in the 50's/60's are hard to fathom in today's times, though not as hard as they should be -- people are still very wrapped up in their image and how their child brings shame onto the family name. Soc...more

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Apr 06, 2012 Carol rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2012-challenge, favorites

I finished The Girls Who Went Away, The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler.

Great book! It tells the stories of birth mothers who relinquished their babies to adoption during the early 1900s and especially after WWII, up until the mid-70s. The prevailing attitude after WWII was that girls in their teens to young twenties who were pregnant outside of marriage were not prepared to be mothers. Their babies, it was thought, w...more I finished The Girls Who Went Away, The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler.

Great book! It tells the stories of birth mothers who relinquished their babies to adoption during the early 1900s and especially after WWII, up until the mid-70s. The prevailing attitude after WWII was that girls in their teens to young twenties who were pregnant outside of marriage were not prepared to be mothers. Their babies, it was thought, would do much better in "stable" families. Most of the teen moms had no say in the matter, and having their babies removed against their will, or at least with no other options presented, proved to be life-altering and very traumatic for most of them.

I was floored, reading this book, and finding that I used to believe some of the rhetoric surrounding these thoughts. It was a riveting book and also gut-wrenching at the same time.

After I finished this, I had some mildly bad dreams about babies and adoption. I like to think that as a young woman in those times I did not blame the girls for being "sluts" as many of them were labeled. But... I was a product of my time. I probably did at least think they were the naughty girls. Little did I know I was falling for false rhetoric. Makes me sad to think of it. (At least I was savvy enough to know it wasn't fair that girls were shamed and boys got away with it or even were proud.)

I want to make a comment on the title. I don't know why it is called "...in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade." That's the law that made abortions legal. The book doesn't get into the abortion question at all (or, very little). And it doesn't make the argument that adoption diminished because of abortion being a new option. Rather it tends to credit the change in thinking on how to counsel pregnant girls, making options more clear to them, and the big one: birth control being talked about openly and made much more accessible. So if you think, because of the title, that it is a pro-abortion book that you want to avoid, please don't. It's not about abortion at all and is a fascinating look at our attitudes toward adoption and toward those girls who find themselves pregnant in their teens and early twenties outside of marriage.

This was a great book. I love a book that makes me think and learn. 5 stars.(less)

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Jan 06, 2013 Brittany rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. It is a pretty eye opening, fascinating look into the lives of girls in the 50s and 60s who were pressured, coerced, and forced to give up babies that they had had out of wedlock. As I understand it, before Roe vs. Wade, abortion didn't happen. I'm not sure if it was illegal or there were just too many hoops or what. The book doesn't really get into that, but the point is these women—kids, many of them—were stuck. They were pregnant during a time where having a child outside the bonds of marriag...more It is a pretty eye opening, fascinating look into the lives of girls in the 50s and 60s who were pressured, coerced, and forced to give up babies that they had had out of wedlock. As I understand it, before Roe vs. Wade, abortion didn't happen. I'm not sure if it was illegal or there were just too many hoops or what. The book doesn't really get into that, but the point is these women—kids, many of them—were stuck. They were pregnant during a time where having a child outside the bonds of marriage was more than just frowned upon. It was a shameful, despicable thing and was hidden as much as possible, with most of the women being forced into maternity homes, where they would be locked away until they had their baby. At this point, the babies were taken from their mothers, who were forced while still under the effects of anesthesia to sign away their babies.

So you can imagine the resulting trauma the women experienced. It was a pretty amazing look into the lives of these women, but that's where the problem was for me. It was incredibly one sided. From the first page, the feminist agenda was palpable. I would really have liked for the author to have given the reader a glimpse into the lives of the fathers, who were often congratulated for their sexual prowess but many times never saw a baby or knew one existed. I would have liked to hear from the maternity nurses responsible for snatching newborns from their mothers' arms and placing them with adoptive parents. What did the adoptive parents have to say about it? Did they know the babies they were adopting had been pretty much kidnapped? What about the mothers and fathers who hid their daughters away and denied love and support to their daughters during their time of greatest need?

The whole book was essentially a feminist view of what happened to these girls. I'm not denying that it wasn't cruel and astonishingly traumatic for each of them, but of all the stories that I read from these women, there was only one who took any ownership of her situation. Towards the end of the book, this woman is reflecting on her experience and she states that the problem these women had was not whether to keep a baby or not. It was not about the baby at all. It was about the girl who was scared to be looked down on by her family. It was about keeping the peace, not her desire to be a mom and care for this child. When it came down to it, the girl was more concerned with her parents having a positive view of her than anything. It was the one refreshing and 100% honest response I felt existed in the book. Go ahead, hate me for it.

I would give the book a generous 3/5 stars. I wasn't in love with it. It was good. I liked it. But more than anything, I felt it needed to be written. I feel that the author did an amazing thing for these women by providing them with a way to get their stories out. But if you are looking for a shiny, happy, unbiased book that is about nothing in particular, I recommend Twilight. (less)

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Aug 11, 2011 Jen Quintanilla rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was incredibly interesting and absolutely heartbreaking. However, I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 for two reasons.

The first is that this book didn't have enough statistics and backgrounds information regarding the time period. I acknowledge that may not be the kind of book Fessler was trying to write however, each section of the book begins with a bit of an introduction, some broad background offering stats and objective insight into 1950 and 60s America as it relates to adoption. I enj...more This book was incredibly interesting and absolutely heartbreaking. However, I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 for two reasons.

The first is that this book didn't have enough statistics and backgrounds information regarding the time period. I acknowledge that may not be the kind of book Fessler was trying to write however, each section of the book begins with a bit of an introduction, some broad background offering stats and objective insight into 1950 and 60s America as it relates to adoption. I enjoyed these background sections quite a bit but felt like they were thrown in just to break up the individual stories. The information given could just as easily footnoted to the personal accounts rather than the secondary sources cited. I wish these sections had contributed additional information to the book.

The second reason I gave the book 4 stars is the subtitle - The Hidden History of Women who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade. For me, giving the book this subtitle immediately made me think that maybe Fessler was coming at this from the perspective that these women could have had abortions to solve their "problem" had they become pregnant just a decade or two later. In retrospect, this makes no sense because Fessler herself was surrendered for adoption during this time period. Anyway, not know thing I really thought I was going to read this book and come away angry. The thing is, abortion came up maybe two or three times - with some women recounting that they never considered abortion or it was a "luxury" of the rich, and Fessler noting that abortion was mostly expensive, illegal, and dangerous in those days. I'm not saying I wanted there to be more (or any) discussion of abortion or that I even think most of these women would have considered abortion (I don't think they would have), I'm saying the title really throws you off track. If anything, the point the book did hammer home was that with sex education and access to birth control these women may have never found themselves in this situation. So maybe some reference in the title to Griswold and Eisenstadt would have been better. (less)

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Jul 19, 2007 Aspidistra rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: adoption

There is so much in this book that helps me to put together for myself a better understanding of the high cost we as a society made sexually active women pay in the 1950s through 1970s. I was only dimly aware of these things during the time because I was a child and, of course, such things were not discussed with children. This is a powerful book that goes only a small way towards righting a horrible wrong.

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May 19, 2011 Paula rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 50-book-challenge

I knew, as soon as I was in any position to think about it, that I could never give up a child of mine for adoption, even if I were in no condition to raise it. I knew it would literally make me crazy to think that a child of mine was somewhere in the world, but that I wouldn't know where, and couldn't help him/her. To me, this actually seemed selfish of me, and I've always thought that the young women who opted for the adoption "solution" to their dilemma were better people than I. After readi...more I knew, as soon as I was in any position to think about it, that I could never give up a child of mine for adoption, even if I were in no condition to raise it. I knew it would literally make me crazy to think that a child of mine was somewhere in the world, but that I wouldn't know where, and couldn't help him/her. To me, this actually seemed selfish of me, and I've always thought that the young women who opted for the adoption "solution" to their dilemma were better people than I. After reading this book I have found that so many of these women - really, girls most of them, just in their teens when they got pregnant out of wedlock - felt the same way I did, but were really not given the option to keep their babies. The adults in their lives stepped in and made choices for them, and the deep, pshychic pain that they lived with in all the years after surrendering their babies is exactly the kind of pain I knew I would have felt. And they not only felt emotional pain, they felt shame. First, shame for embarassing their parents and causing them pain and worry, and then the shame that came when they walked away from their babies. So many of them now say that they should have done anything to keep their children with them, and are sorry for not doing more. But during the 50's and 60's, young unwed mothers didn't really have options, especially if their families were not supportive.
The book consists mostly of interviews with dozens of women. They tell their stories in their own words, and though in each story the circumstances are different, these women also have so much in common when it comes to the treatment they received and the emotions they went through. There is something of a repetitive feel to parts of the book, but in a way, that's also its strength, since the repetition proves how very universal these experiences were. These days unwed teenage mothers are given their own reality shows, and there is no shame attached to getting pregnant when unmarried, so it might be difficult for someone born after 1980 to understand how different it was for girls and women once upon a time, but it would certainly be instructive. (less)

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Oct 20, 2009 Wendy Block rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I am having a hard time putting this book down and would highly recommend it, although I'm not sure if I'm biased as an adoptee myself. For me, this story is capitvating because it raises a whole host of questions regarding my "beginning", leaves me to question how well the stories of these women fit into the image and circumstances of my own birthmother who gave birth in 1975. I like to think I would find it a just as fascinating if I weren't adopted; some of these women's stories are heartbrea...more

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Jul 18, 2012 Chris rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: book-club-pick

The author clearly has an agenda. I would have preferred a book that also told of the effects of these strong-arm adoptions from the point of view of the parents, the fathers and the children.

I recently saw a profile of Steve Jobs, who was one of those babies give up for adoption in the 50s and I don't know that his birth mother felt her life was changed for the worse because she gave him up for adoption. And it is well known that the singer, Bobby Darin - was raised by this grandmother - beliv...more

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