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Losing My Sister

by Judy Goldman (Goodreads Author)

4.0 of 5 stars 4.00 · rating details · 36 ratings · 15 reviews

"Family stories grow to be bigger than the experiences themselves," writes Judy Goldman in her memoir, Losing My Sister. "They become home to us, tell us who we are, who we want to be. Over the years, they take on more and more embellishments and adornments until they eclipse the actual memory. They become our past--just as a snapshot will, at first, enhance a memory, then...more

Hardcover, 270 pages

Published October 2nd 2012 by John F. Blair Publisher

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Oct 17, 2012 Dani rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: i-won-this-yay

Yes Brenda was a pain in the butt, but family can do that to you. They'll drive you up the wall and seeing Judy's side of the story, it did drive me up the wall and down the damn street. In the end it was a sad story and as for anyone who's had a close family member pass away knows, it's extremely difficult to watch them just fade out.
The memories are random and not in any particular order. It's hard to get the timelines right sometimes because you want to keep reading but have to keep going ba...more

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Jun 02, 2013 Kathy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: kathy-s-shelf

I think the author used the writing of this book as a way to come to terms with the death of her sister. Along the way, I think she learned more about herself as a person also. And I guess the part I don't understand is the fact that these two women loved each other as only sisters can & still had major differences. I am so glad that before her sister died they were able to resolve their differences.
I myself can't imagine not getting along with my sister; but I can with my brothers. There we...more

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Dec 04, 2012 Debbie Rubenstein rated it 5 of 5 stars

What can I say. The intimate, honest and compassionate voice of the author welcomes you into a story that is both universal and unique. Goldman and her sister were allies and nemeses at the same time. The reader feels invited to join in the great love affair of this sibling relationship. It would have been easier to either stick to the ways in which the author adored and worshiped her sister or write a scathing condemnation of wrongs committed. Instead, Goldman trusts herself and her reader enou...more

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Oct 14, 2012 Anne rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, first-reads

I won this book through a goodreads giveaway.

The memoir chronicles family tragedy: the death of parents and the long battle with cancer that the author's older sister suffers. Through all this, Goldman incorporates vignettes of memory from childhood that help define the two sisters as adults--one is the strong one and one is the meek and sweet one. As they become adults, these roles chafe against each other, and their relationship suffers because of it. It's only shortly before the death of her...more I won this book through a goodreads giveaway.

The memoir chronicles family tragedy: the death of parents and the long battle with cancer that the author's older sister suffers. Through all this, Goldman incorporates vignettes of memory from childhood that help define the two sisters as adults--one is the strong one and one is the meek and sweet one. As they become adults, these roles chafe against each other, and their relationship suffers because of it. It's only shortly before the death of her older sister that they are able to reconcile and rebuild their relationship in a way that offers peace and clarity for the both of them.

I loved Goldman's honesty the most: she was willingly interrogative with her own fault in the breakdowns of their relationship. I find this to be a rare and refreshing way to look at oneself and search for meaning. Neither sister was innocent in this matter, but neither was wholly at fault either. In fact, I could very much relate to these tensions, as I have a sister that I love more than anything, yet we have had our fair share of painful struggles with each other at different periods in our lives.

I also loved Goldman's incorporation of poetry. I'm a poet and I thought the few poems she sprinkled in were just stunning and rich.

I think anyone who experiences loss through cancer or anyone who has a sister will find comfort in this book: Goldman is keen and thoughtful in her details.

There were some places in the book that I wanted more: for instance, in one particularly bad rift between the sisters that led to them not speaking for a long period of time, Goldman left out what the two sisters said to each other in therapy and during fights, simply glazing over it by saying that her sister Brenda was upset and yelled. The details we were previously given about the fight were so trivial that I could not understand this massive iceberg that lay under the surface of their petty fight, and I thought that had I been given a little more information, I would have understood their characters more. Later fights in the book are better detailed, however.

The conclusion felt a little lacking to me: there was so much focus on the funeral, which felt like every funeral I have been to. I think I would have liked more introspective reflection. However, this is Goldman's story to remember and I respect that the funeral may have been pivotal for her to recall.

Overall, this was a beautiful book, and I would highly recommend it. (less)

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Oct 12, 2012 Carin rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: southern-lit, memoir, wnba

You have a pretty good hint in the very beginning of how Judy is going to lose her sister, but the bulk of this book is about losing your sister another way: through misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentments.

Judy and Brenda (and big brother Donald) grow up in Rock Hill, SC, just over the state line from Charlotte, NC (where they all end up) and seemed to have a pretty idyllic childhood, with loving parents, a beautiful house (they had a working fireplace in their childhood bedroom!) and...more You have a pretty good hint in the very beginning of how Judy is going to lose her sister, but the bulk of this book is about losing your sister another way: through misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentments.

Judy and Brenda (and big brother Donald) grow up in Rock Hill, SC, just over the state line from Charlotte, NC (where they all end up) and seemed to have a pretty idyllic childhood, with loving parents, a beautiful house (they had a working fireplace in their childhood bedroom!) and neighborhood friends. Brenda, the older, was of course protective, and Judy liked to be protected. Until they became adults. And they began to chafe at childhood roles they'd long played.

Most memoirs I read are either of the stunt-memoir type (where someone does something crazy for a year like reading the entire OED or dressing like a man or working a different job every week) or they are very specific (like a memoir of working in a mental hospital or going back to working retail as an older adult or going to prison). Ms. Goldman's book hearkens back to a more traditional memoir -- a looking back upon one's life and reflecting on the history and what influences have made one what one is today, what memories stick with you, and what experiences turned out to be more consequential than one thought at the time. Her book reminds me of Beverly Cleary's terrific memoirs or Cursed by a Happy Childhood by Carl Lennertz. While Ms. Goldman also had a very happy childhood, that didn't translate into the perfect adulthood as well. In most arenas -- work, marriage, motherhood -- life sorted itself out well, but when it came to Brenda, things were very up and down. They'd go years with talking frequently, shopping and lunching, but then there'd be a blow-up -- often so surprising to Judy that she didn't remember afterwards what it was even over. And neither sister was good at apologizing. It's not that they wouldn't do it, but they'd do it in a way that was defensive, inviting more hurt feelings and not the reconciliation they had in mind. They pulled it together through their mother's Alzheimer's, and their father's cancer, but in large parts of both those situations, they were only pretending to get along, or they were ignoring the underlying problems that they both knew one one day rise up again, when it was more convenient.

I expect most sisters go through these kinds of upheavals. When I read You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives by Deborah Tannen a few years ago, I was struck by the rigidity and reinforcement of the birth-order roles from the moment we are born. For instance, when you meet two little girls, you might ask, "Who's older?" No one ever asks "Who's younger?" making it seem like being older is the thing to be, giving the older sister a sense of power and entitlement and the younger sister, resentment. Competition is something else imposed from the outside from nearly the very beginning: "Why can't you do XX like your sister?" is something every young girl has heard scores of times, and will unfailingly bring on an eye-roll. My own mother used to frequently tell me and my two sisters that when we were adults, we'd be best friends. As we were pinching and hitting each other, that seemed bafflingly impossible. Judy and Brenda start off their adult lives that way, but prove even sisters who are best friends as adults can have just as many difficulties. And those are made all the more poignant by the health issues and losses in their family.

The book is fluidly written with soft remembrances of times long past, along with sharp reminders of today. Anyone with a sister will see themselves in one of these two, and hopefully won't (but probably will) see too much of themselves in their rifts. Ms. Goldman speaks to a universal trial in our lives today -- how do we keep family close, without being suffocated by who we used to be?(less)

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Jan 13, 2013 Tammy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Here's a must-read for anyone trying to cope with life in general and difficult families and serious illness in particular.

Judy Goldman's work as a poet shines through with crisp, animated prose from chapter one. I was most impressed with her artful restraint. Her topic (losing her sister to breast cancer), sibling rivalry and slippery family dynamics could have lapsed into melodrama. Instead, Judy cuts to the heart of the matter, offers a compelling and, in the end, joyful tale of one family's...more

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Sep 30, 2012 Anna rated it 3 of 5 stars

I was lucky to receive an advanced copy of this book from the publisher through a Goodreads giveaway!

You know when you read a book titled "Losing My Sister" it's going to be sad, and it was, though not the way I imagined. Judy Goldman documents her lifelong relationship with her older sister Brenda in a way that is contemplative and poetic. I highlighted many insights that were particularly profound. Parts of their relationship remind me of me and my sister, and some of it I wish for my own daug...more

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Dec 29, 2012 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: finished-reading

LOVED this book. It takes place near my hometown of Gastonia, NC. From beginning to end, I loved hearing what these sisters went through, how they reacted and what happended in the end. It was a wonderful book to read. You will enjoy it, too, especially if you do have a sister!

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Dec 29, 2012 David Williams rated it 4 of 5 stars

I generally don't trust memoirs, but this one feels extraordinarily honest. I believe it. It's THE great subject, too -- family; if you've got one, you'll relate. Wonderfully written, too. Highly recommended.

Memoir lovers, read "Losing My Sister." Memoir writers, go to school on it.

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Sep 22, 2012 Belinda Gergel rated it 5 of 5 stars

Deeply moving and beautifully crafted work on family, love, and loss. Could not put it down!

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Sep 15, 2012 Greta Turnbull rated it 2 of 5 stars

It was ok

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Mar 22, 2013 Nancy Peacock rated it 4 of 5 stars

Well written and emotional.

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Jul 07, 2012 Brooke rated it 5 of 5 stars

Any memoir by a poet is worth reading, and Judy Goldman's does not disappoint. A moving read for anyone with a sister.

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Mar 29, 2013 Joanne Schwartz rated it 5 of 5 stars

A moving memoir. The reader feels so many emotions reading this book- the joy the sisters share growing up in a small town, the love of a family unit and the despair of sibling fallout. Author photographs add to the memoir and enhance the efforts to show the true bond between sisters. Beautifully written, it leaves the reader with a sense of family spirit.

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Mar 03, 2013 MaryAnn Koopmann rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorite

Judy Goldman��s Losing My Sister is big, wise, heart-squeezing. It puts to words what I��d thought inarticulable��an act not unlike giving flesh to a shadow. This book will help a lot of people��people who are hurting for excellent prose, and also people who are just hurting.

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About Judy Goldman

Judy Goldman is the author of a new memoir, Losing My Sister (published October 2012). Excerpts appeared in Real Simple Magazine and Drafthorse, an online journal.

She is also the author of two novels, Early Leaving and The Slow Way Back, as well as two books of poetry, Holding Back Winter and Wanting To Know the End.

She has received the Sir Walter Raleigh Award for Fiction, the Mary Ruffin Poole...more

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