The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction

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The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction

3.81 of 5 stars 3.81 · rating details · 93 ratings · 22 reviews

How much control do we have over love? Much less than we like to think. All that mystery, all that poetry, all those complex behaviors surrounding human bonding leading to the most life-changing decisions we’ll ever make, are unconsciously driven by a few molecules in our brain. How does love begin? How can two strangers come to the conclusion that it would not only be pl...more

Hardcover, 320 pages

Published September 13th 2012 by Current Hardcover

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Dec 01, 2012 Aaron rated it 4 of 5 stars

*A full executive summary of this book is available here: http://newbooksinbrief.com/2012/09/30...

Love and sex play a central role in the human drama. But when we talk about the emotions and decisions that we make in connection with them, we tend to remain strictly at the macro level, referring to people, and relationships, and our freely made choices. However, in their new book The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction social neuroscientist Larry Young and journalist Bri...more *A full executive summary of this book is available here: http://newbooksinbrief.com/2012/09/30...

Love and sex play a central role in the human drama. But when we talk about the emotions and decisions that we make in connection with them, we tend to remain strictly at the macro level, referring to people, and relationships, and our freely made choices. However, in their new book The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction social neuroscientist Larry Young and journalist Brian Alexander contend that our biology and chemistry play a much bigger role in love and sex than most of us ever acknowledge (since Larry Young is the scientist behind the book [and responsible for the ideas therein], I will refer to him as the main author throughout). Young explores everything from gender identity (and sexual orientation), to romantic relationships (and parenting), to monogamy (and adultery), taking us inside our bodies to investigate the genes and hormones that influence our approach to love, sex and relationships. While the focus here is on us humans, the evidence comes not only from our own species but from a host of other animals that exhibit similar biology and behavior.

Young begins by way of smashing the notions that gender identity is constructed by culture, and that sexual orientation is a matter of choice. The foundations of these phenomena, the author argues, are laid down in utero by the specific hormones that wash over the fetus as it develops. Interestingly, we learn that the genes and hormones that are responsible for genital development are active at a different time than those that are responsible for gender-specific behavior, thus explaining how the two can become separated from each other.

While the foundations of gender and sexual orientation may be laid down in utero, it is also the case that they are capable of being influenced to a degree by learning and culture, thus explaining cross-cultural differences in the manifestation of gender, as well as such phenomenon as fetishes.

When it comes to a woman’s gender identity, Young explores the hormones that explain maternal behavior, and why women differ in regard to just how maternal they are–as well as what effect this has on their children. Interestingly, we also learn that a woman’s love for a man appears to have been built on the same brain mechanisms responsible for her maternal behavior. This fact helps explain a number of baffling phenomena (including, incredibly, the size of women’s breasts, and men’s penises!).

While men are capable of experiencing romantic love just as strongly as women (if not more so), we learn that a man’s love is built on an entirely different biological mechanism. Specifically, a man’s love is built on the ancient mechanism responsible for territoriality. This helps explain such phenomenon as male possessiveness and jealousy; but it also helps explain why men are more paternal than the males of most other species.

While love may have a different biological basis in men and women, it takes on a strikingly similar form in both. In short, it is an addiction–not at all unlike a drug addiction. Indeed, like a drug addiction, a romantic relationship starts out as a high, then morphs into an experience whereby the lover cannot stand to be away from their love, and experiences deep stress when this occurs. Even the brain chemistry of using drugs, and the way the brain changes as a drug user becomes addicted, is the same as occurs in the progression of a romantic relationship.

While men and women in love may be addicted to one another, this does not mean they are incapable of cheating on one another. And, indeed, the prevalence of adultery in all times and places (despite the near ubiquity of social mores opposed to the practice) indicate that it is a deep part of our biology. Young explores this biology, and also why some people are more disposed to the practice than others.

As we might well expect from a book co-written by a scientist and a journalist, the work delves deep into the technicalities of the science that is discussed, while at the same time mixing in a large measure of anecdotes and humor. The result is a book that is scientifically sound, while at the same time being highly readable and entertaining. On the negative side, while the authors do touch on the evolutionary reasons behind the phenomenon and mechanisms that are discussed, a more developed exploration of this would have added greatly to our understanding of the material. A full executive summary of this book is available here: http://newbooksinbrief.com/2012/09/30...
A podcast discussion of the book will be available soon.(less)

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Oct 23, 2012 Long Nguyen rated it 5 of 5 stars

I've come to find that the best way to read most books is to start with the last chapter, and then go through and read the beginning. It lays out the philosophical stance from which this book was taken: although it feels reductionistic to turn an analysis of love into chemicals and hormones, we must resist that feeling. It explains the how, but that's not what makes love important to us. We can't go around rejecting data just because we don't want to believe in it.

The authors remain highly infor...more

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Oct 02, 2012 Harry Rice rated it 4 of 5 stars

The dynamics of human behavior has always been of interest to me. Science has veered between genetic and environmental determinism, although it is now well known recently that these are not rigid separate categories. "The Chemistry Between Us" adds an important dimension to the discussion: viz. the effect of chemicals on the structure and operation of the brain and thus human behavior. Whatever the intentions of the authors, they have pounded a deep spike in the casket of free will. The more we...more

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Nov 20, 2012 Andrew Langridge rated it 2 of 5 stars

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day", or shall I compare you to my territorial possessions?

Surely, attempting to reduce sex to biology and chemistry is a challenge, and attempting the same with love next to impossible, but these authors boldly attempt to do just that. As with similar attempts to naturalize phenomena for which we have a pre-scientific understanding, the discussion often begins with an 'error theory'. In this case it is the assertion that we do not sufficiently acknowledge the...more "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day", or shall I compare you to my territorial possessions?

Surely, attempting to reduce sex to biology and chemistry is a challenge, and attempting the same with love next to impossible, but these authors boldly attempt to do just that. As with similar attempts to naturalize phenomena for which we have a pre-scientific understanding, the discussion often begins with an 'error theory'. In this case it is the assertion that we do not sufficiently acknowledge the role that natural forces play in our relationships and treat love and sex as if they were the products of our free choices. Now, I think it will not come as a surprise to most of us that we are not fully in control of our sex lives. Indeed our language is full of phrases emphasizing this very point. We have "falling in love", "lost in love's embrace", "blinded by love", "I can't get over you", "be my baby" and so on. In our more reflective moments we have to admit that our area of freedom is not very great and must recognize that the context of our decision-making is often crucial in determining our behavior. Despite the lurking presence of this straw man, the authors' mission to demystify our sexual relationships is not necessarily rendered ineffective. The error theories come thick and fast. A sudden feeling of contentment with a relationship is not due to the fact that my partner has just performed an unbidden act of kindness, but is really due to increased levels of the hormone oxytocin in my body. My masculine possessiveness and jealousy in love occurs not because of any threats to my self-esteem, but really because of an inherited gene promoting territoriality. The pain of parting I experience when in love is not because I just miss having my partner around, but really because I am under the throes of a drug-like addiction.

The huge obstacle in the path of missions such as these is that while it is possible to start with an identification of common human feelings and behaviors and point to scientific experiments that can explicate them, it is not possible to reverse the process and start with the science. Imagine if science had advanced such that we knew every last detail about human biology and chemistry and all the relevant facts concerning our environment, we would still not be able to deduce what sex and love feel and mean to us as human beings. We can correlate oxytocin levels in the body with behaviors representing contentment, calmness and security around the mate, yet we are not able to identify the precise nature of feelings tied up with these behaviors, nor properly isolate the cause and the effect. Oxytocin makes us feel good about the person who causes oxytocin to be released, but what was the first cause - the small act of kindness perhaps? The same can be said for evidence from fMRI scans, such as those showing activation of the same region of the female brain in childbirth as in love-making; it is never completely clear whether we are witnessing the cause or the effect of these activities.

A further obstacle lies in the initial conditions of the various scientific experiments that are cited as evidence. In order for behavioral traits such as "maternal", "unfaithful", "bold", "loving", "trusting" to be measurable in the laboratory they must be objectively classified, but these definitions are clearly not simply achieved. One characteristic way of proceeding in these studies is to completely ignore all the normative and moral associations and turn what are actually virtues and cultural values into behavioral traits. In our real lives (as opposed to artificial laboratory conditions), we cannot avoid making distinctions between `bold' and `rash', `trusting' and `subservient', `properly protective' and `overly-protective', `loving' and `self-serving'; yet, in scientific experiments we are forced into this compromise. It also tends to be ignored that love typically involves an extended process of patient attention to another's concerns; an authentic communication between two historically conditioned individuals with their unique life-histories. As Paul Tillich stresses, "The first duty of love is to listen". There is something indeterminate at the heart of our personal relationships. I have to show my wife that I love her, and telling her something about my oxytocin levels or brain processes will certainly not help!

Although the primary purpose of sex is procreation and much can only be understood from a scientific point of view, sex is not just a biological drive devoid of all ethical, contingent and cultural content. Stimulating a partner's oxytocin production through sexual intercourse might increase her loving feelings, but this is not sufficient to sustain a meaningful relationship. Indeed, physical passion can clearly obstruct our communication with another individual, blind us to their real concerns and so dampen their love. Moreover, as self-reflective individuals we are able to recognise this happening and adjust our behaviour. Plato distinguishes between the "vulgar Eros" of one who experiences promiscuous sexual desire and possesses a lust that can be satisfied by any partner whatsoever, and the "heavenly Eros" of one who takes as much pleasure in satisfying the needs of their partner as in the physical contact itself. The dangers of ignoring these ethical considerations in matters of love and sex are becoming worryingly manifest in contemporary society. Sexuality is increasingly medicalised so that penetrative intercourse is assumed to be the only normal practice, and biological malfunction is seen as the only possible cause of sexual perversion. While the authors of this book are resistant to cultural conditioning of sex, it is apparent that attitudes and behaviours related to sex differ markedly between cultures and over time; the sexual revolution in modern Chinese society being a prime example.

In order to really understand sex I think I'll stick to Lawrence and Nabokov, and as for love, probably Shakespeare is my best bet.

"But thy eternal summer shall not fade" unless the drug-like addiction wears off, of course.(less)

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Feb 13, 2013 Edward rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is one of the books I read in my quest to come to terms with my defective past marriages and the disturbed feelings I had towards my first two wives. As said in a previous review, I was really devastated by the circumstances of those relationships and how and why they ended. I like both of my ex-wives today and get along with them fine; I just couldn’t forgive them. Thank God for my current wife of twenty years and this book and others that I have read. Reading “The Chemistry between us” ha...more

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Mar 06, 2013 Kathleen rated it 2 of 5 stars

How much of love is purely a hormonal, chemical reaction? And how much of staying in love is more of the same? Larry Young outlines the studies of lab animals (some his own) and of people that attempt to answer these questions -- and ultimately concludes that hormones have more of a role than most people might imagine. This book is strongest when it is explaining the science. It's also entertainingly written. It's weakest when it occasionally tries to get too cute with the entertaining writing a...more

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Nov 13, 2012 Pamela rated it 5 of 5 stars

A very thorough examination of the most up-to-date science on attraction and desire. There are many significant findings that, to my surprise, haven't made their way into the media--at least as far as I've noticed. The writers are careful not to overstate, nor to be led to political conclusions. If you're interested in sorting out what parts of your love history may be voluntary, and what driven by factors beyond your control, this is one great way to get started.

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Sep 27, 2012 Diego rated it 4 of 5 stars

Got an uncorrected advance proof of this book.

The chemistry between us is well written, making it an easy read, while relying on scientific studies that will try to demonstrate that the mind does not start as a blank slate, but is heavily influenced by genetics and early development (inside and outside the womb)

A very good follow up on other titles that deal with the brain such as Ramachandran's Work
A Brief Tour of Human Consciousness: From Impostor Poodles to Purple Numbers and Oliver Sack's m...more

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Mar 16, 2013 Mia rated it 3 of 5 stars

3.5 stars. I can't say I was in love with this book or anything (ha ha, sorry), but it has a wealth of information and I learned SO much and by the end I felt it was one of those books that everyone should read. Because there is so much to be learned about brain chemicals and love, sex, pair-bonding, monogamy, infidelity, etc. It really is a fascinating subject, and this book provides a wealth of information in a very readable way. I didn't know the field of social neuroscience actually existed...more

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Sep 22, 2012 jen8998 rated it 3 of 5 stars

Authors explore neuroscience of love and relationships. Surprisingly quite readable, especially since much of this is based on research on animal models of human behavior. I don't always agree with their interpretations of these studies but entertaining nonetheless.

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Apr 20, 2013 Joyita rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: owned

This is a phenomenal book presenting an evidence-based neurobiological perspective for human behavior. Larry Young is renowned for his research on prairie voles, (super-cute) rodents which are peculiarly monogamous, unlike their closely-related, promiscuous montane and meadow vole cousins. His work has offered important insights on human social behavior and bonding. This book by him throws light on varied range of topics, including gender identity, sexual orientation, how the reward systems in o...more

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Nov 23, 2012 Brigid rated it 3 of 5 stars

High in the technical details of hormones and chemicals associated with them. Insightful, but with details of experiments performed animals, from rodents to monkeys, I found it a little disturbing.

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Oct 27, 2012 Ashley rated it 4 of 5 stars

Received an uncorrected advance proof of this book from Goodreads Giveaways.

An intriguing read that is easy to read and follow the authors train of thought. The studies they use to prove their point are interesting while not being to complicated to understand. I say this book is a nice read for anyone interested in this subject.

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Mar 08, 2013 Kristine rated it 3 of 5 stars

It's all biology and the chemicals in your brain to ensure the survival of the species that creates the feeling of love... So the book says. But I think, maybe we need it for our own survival too.

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May 28, 2013 Ariel Reynolds rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was a good read. I study psychology and neuroscience in school, so I am already really into what this book is about. That being said, this book is co-written by a journalist, and the book does not read like a typical scientific paper or book. I recommend this for anyone who is even remotely interested in attraction and what happens in our brains to make us attracted to other people. The book also discusses biological bases of infidelity, homosexuality, drug addiction, and more. The book is...more

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Mar 30, 2013 Lisa rated it 4 of 5 stars

So many interesting tidbids and areas of research

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Sep 25, 2012 Donna Kirk marked it as to-read

Shelves: science-and-math

Read a review in New Scientist. Intrigued.

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Oct 15, 2012 Osman Kent added it

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Dec 18, 2012 Quoc nguyen rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book explained me to myself.

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Apr 10, 2013 Brian Kim added it

Good book. Focused a lot on biology

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Mar 13, 2013 Kristin rated it 5 of 5 stars

Excellent book! Great for any one really nerdy into love, sex, and attraction.

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Feb 10, 2013 Susan Burris rated it 3 of 5 stars

I wanted to love this book but it lacked substance. I tend to like books with titles similar to this that contain good science--this one was light on facts and contained too much fluff for my liking. It was good enough that I did finish it though.

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Shelves: psychology-sociology

Jun 09, 2013 Kevin Betancourt rated it 4 of 5 stars

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