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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

4.31  ·  Rating Details ·  704 Ratings  ·  57 Reviews
Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?

The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage
may lie buried in your childhood.

Your early life experiences create an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beli
ebook, 290 pages
Published January 20th 2009 by WaterBrook (first published October 10th 2006)
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This was a fascinating book. I have been listening to the New Life Live radio show for about six months, and Milan Yerkovich is one of the co-hosts on the show. Milan and his wife Kay are both counselors and have presented this information, which is based on attachment theory, in many workshops before writing it down to share with a wider audience.

Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful for anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our relationships a
Beth Peninger
Aug 26, 2013 Beth Peninger rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
"When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works....Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work." And so begins this important, perspective changing, marriage altering - even relationship altering - book. When a friend was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I'm not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don't know how I lo ...more
John Majors
Feb 22, 2017 John Majors rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage
Every married couple should read this book. It is incredibly important. They unpack four main love styles that couples tend to fall into, all based on answering the question "How were you comforted as a child?" It's eye opening, yet not surprising, that so much of the patterns we develop and apply to loving our spouse are rooted in what we learned as a child. There's also an accompanying workbook that you should get and work through with your spouse as well. This is a must read. Order it now!
May 26, 2009 Anna rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2010
This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: The Avoider, who likes being alone, doesn't share feelings easily, seems unruffled, and values independence; The Pleaser, who feels anxious around a sad or angry person, and ignores own feelings to focus on another's; The Vacillator, who craves closeness and intimacy but feels angry when another doesn't return the same level of affection, often vacillates between warmth and silence, and expe ...more
Jan 30, 2010 Holly rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I only read so far as it applied to the single. That was probably 75-80% of the book. Then it got into nitty gritty marriage stuff. But the part I read was revealing. I think I can categorize myself as a vascillator, but more importantly, I've thought back through my life to try to understand where my reactions come from. I also interviewed my mom to get a picture of what I was like growing up. I can see how what I've learned will help me develop healthier relationships in general and hopefully, ...more
Jun 20, 2012 Michelle rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Though I am not generally a fan of the Christian "self-help" genre, I did find this book very insightful regarding the way our imprints of attachment within our family of origin affect the way we relate to our spouse and our spouse likewise to us. Much misunderstanding could be avoided through the practices they suggest. The book is anecdote heavy (not my favorite), but I see how the examples help you understand their work as counselors with many varied situations/couples, and how the ideas can ...more
Jan 18, 2016 Joseph rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
A very insightful and helpful read. Being able to look back and reflect upon my own family memories (and lack thereof) helped me to understand how I react to experiences and relationships, fraternal, familial, and romantic notwithstanding. The emphasis of the examples are romantic examples but the core information being presented by the book can be applicable to other relationships too. There are times where the author's voice switches back and forth between Kay and Milan and it can be a bit of ...more
Caleb Benadum
Feb 02, 2014 Caleb Benadum rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Although unmarried, this book has a lot to offer in terms of self-awareness of the way in which we love. Worth a read for anyone, whether or not aware of their own tendencies, in order to understand and learn to prioritize other people in their lives. That type of understanding is essential for the Christian, as they are called to live a life where their actions attempt to put others before themselves, and in doing so they must understand how other people think and behave in order to determine w ...more
Mar 28, 2016 Matt rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Blah! This book feels like "hippy", west coast psychology. Trying to cram people into 5 categories is
ridiculous. I don't see how anyone can "neatly" put themselves into any of them. I image most if
not all people can find traits in all the categories that they have at different points in their life. I can act like any one of the 5 personality types at different points in life. One the most annoying parts of this self-help book is the Yerkovich's desire to blame all the "problems" couples have on

I LOVE this book. Perhaps it is because I am a vacillator and my husband is an avoider, but this has been one of the most helpful resources for our marriage--maybe THE most of all. We are still using the workbook materials for reflection and dialogue together. It has helped us understand and work on some of our repeated patterns and difficult problems. It has helped us gain greater compassion for one another. It is helping us grow.
This is not only helpful for married couples, though it is extr
Apr 17, 2013 Lisa rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
So many people have told me to read this book. It is based on attachment theory, and gives you 5 "love styles" and then how those styles mesh together when you choose someone with a different style. It is written by Christian authors, but the "Christian-ness" of the book isn't overwhelming and shouldn't bother you if you aren't Christian. I figured out my style, and was telling my husband about it. He was laughing, because it is just SO me. Then he said "Dare I ask about my style?" and while I w ...more
I loved the focus of this book on learning how we love, why we love the way we do, what is healthy And not healthy in our loving styles, problem combinations in couples and what it takes to be a secure attachment partner. I think a lot of us spend little time in developing awareness and in return have a difficult time begins aware and fulfilling needs of others. I would highly recommend this book on a personal healing and growth level rather than on marriage though.
Nov 27, 2011 Maggie rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I highly recommend this book, which was recommended to me by a friend who is a Christian counselor. It opened my eyes to some of my early life experiences, explaining how those experiences, through the years, have deeply affected me in all of my relationships. I have advised many people to read this book, as well as the Yerkovichs' subsequent book on the same topic but geared to children, which I have also reviewed on this site.
Jun 09, 2016 Gina rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book was recommend to me by my Mentor as a way of understanding the things we bring into our marriages from our past. It was a very enlightening book. I would recommend this book to anyone that would like to really get to know their spouse more then they "think" they already do. Although, a bit wordy at times, it got it's point across. I would even recommend this book to newly weds. It might just save a lot of heartaches along their journey of marriage.
Greg Hagues
May 03, 2016 Greg Hagues rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction
Quite helpful and I would recommend to anyone since marriages are important and worth working on. I approached this book as a skeptic of course. I've never liked talking or thinking about feelings, emotions, or the past even though I know the Bible is full-throated about its importance.

This is more of a workbook. I didn't read every page because not all of it applied. I would be interested in reading their book on parenting as well.
Apr 08, 2015 Betsy rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Eye-opening and helpful in understanding how our upbringing influences how we love our spouse and others. Lots of very practical tips and wisdom on how to grow out of dysfunction into emotionally healthy relationships. This book took me a couple years (of reading it off and on, and processing the material slowly) to completely read, but it was so worth it! I will be referencing it for many years to come. I highly recommend it!
Aug 14, 2014 Joni rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: nonfiction, health
Skimmed a lot. Hard to rate because it's mostly 'review' for me and my spouse (we are both mental health professionals.)

It would be a great read for people in relationships who are frustrated with feelings of déjà vu every time a disagreement comes up. Does a wonderful job exploring the cyclical nature of conflict in relationships.
April Lyn
I probably would've gone closer to 2 1/2 stars, given the option. The whole book just felt very redundant. Lots and lots of stories about the same kinds of people, the same issues... after a while I was just waiting for it to be over. I did discover some things about myself and my husband, but whether that was worth reading the whole book for, I'm not sure.
Mar 08, 2016 Alicia rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Read this for a book club. I don't love the writing style of the authors (the book is excessively wordy), but I do think there are some interesting ideas in the book that help the reader to better understand their relationship habits. There's also some good advice about how to better connect with and understand your spouse.
Mar 09, 2014 Grace rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Excellent read for any marriage or any close relationship. The book helps you to realize the wounds of your past and helps you make meaning out of those experiences. The purpose is to connect your past to your present relationship style, or "love style," and to create a path towards a more whole "you" in the context of your relationship.
Jan 19, 2013 Laura rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I couldn't brag about a self-help book. Not sure if it's because I'm sufficiently screwed up and this book spoke to me deeply or not but it did and it will change my life if I let it. I couldn't more highly recommend this book and now I begin the hardest part...the workbook.
This book didn't apply to me, but I didn't figure that out until halfway through it since I had to read all the descriptors about each "type". Bummer. It's more of a book for people who had childhoods that weren't healthy and that didn't prepare them for loving relationships, especially marriage.
Feb 11, 2016 Patrick rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Quite good, though probably not as all-encompassing as the authors seem to say. This book offers a paradigm of behavior best understood in conjunction with other models such as Myers-Briggs, birth order, love languages, etc.
Oct 27, 2008 Kari is currently reading it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction, marriage
I heard about this book on the New Life Live radio broadcast. Tim and I started reading it together last night. Boy, it nailed us both! Even after 20+ years of marriage its good to reevaluate and get fresh insights.
Sep 29, 2012 Beck rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: read-to-myself
If you can't afford counseling, buy this book and do what it says - workbook in the back! Make sure you have a supportive network around you though, tough questions to work through alone. (I tried it alone and stopped after the third question because it was too painful.)
Mar 31, 2013 Delmar rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Everyone, married or single, should read this book!
loved it, I didn't know I had a personality type that had already been identified, picked apart, and then reassembled. Now I know and can think a little more clearly about things.
Aug 06, 2012 Amy marked it as to-read  ·  review of another edition
Just read an article by the wife-fascinating! Hope they have it at the library.
Oct 24, 2016 Ray rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Really enlightening book, taught me a lot about myself and my relationships.
Gloria Strong
Sep 15, 2016 Gloria Strong rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Teaches you your love language. Good to read and learn.
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Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofound ...more
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“We are not born knowing how to understand and express what is inside our souls. That kind of knowing ourselves requires contemplation and reflection. We have to learn to notice and be aware of our internal experiences, to search our hearts and find words for what is inside us. Being fully known and understood requires that we say aloud to someone else what is going on within our souls.” 2 likes
“Avoiders have learned to make decisions on their own. As a result, it does not occur to them to include others in the decision-making process. They assess a situation, come to a conclusion, and resolve the problem without ever feeling the need to consult anyone. Those” 0 likes
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