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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

4.3 of 5 stars 4.30  ·  rating details  ·  383 ratings  ·  45 reviews
Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?

The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage
may lie buried in your childhood.

Your early life experiences create an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beli
ebook, 290 pages
Published January 20th 2009 by WaterBrook Press (first published October 10th 2006)
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This was a fascinating book. I have been listening to the New Life Live radio show for about six months, and Milan Yerkovich is one of the co-hosts on the show. Milan and his wife Kay are both counselors and have presented this information, which is based on attachment theory, in many workshops before writing it down to share with a wider audience.

Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful for anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our relationships a
Beth Peninger
"When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works....Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work." And so begins this important, perspective changing, marriage altering - even relationship altering - book. When a friend was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I'm not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don't know how I lo ...more
This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: The Avoider, who likes being alone, doesn't share feelings easily, seems unruffled, and values independence; The Pleaser, who feels anxious around a sad or angry person, and ignores own feelings to focus on another's; The Vacillator, who craves closeness and intimacy but feels angry when another doesn't return the same level of affection, often vacillates between warmth and silence, and expe ...more
I only read so far as it applied to the single. That was probably 75-80% of the book. Then it got into nitty gritty marriage stuff. But the part I read was revealing. I think I can categorize myself as a vascillator, but more importantly, I've thought back through my life to try to understand where my reactions come from. I also interviewed my mom to get a picture of what I was like growing up. I can see how what I've learned will help me develop healthier relationships in general and hopefully, ...more
Though I am not generally a fan of the Christian "self-help" genre, I did find this book very insightful regarding the way our imprints of attachment within our family of origin affect the way we relate to our spouse and our spouse likewise to us. Much misunderstanding could be avoided through the practices they suggest. The book is anecdote heavy (not my favorite), but I see how the examples help you understand their work as counselors with many varied situations/couples, and how the ideas can ...more
Caleb Benadum
Although unmarried, this book has a lot to offer in terms of self-awareness of the way in which we love. Worth a read for anyone, whether or not aware of their own tendencies, in order to understand and learn to prioritize other people in their lives. That type of understanding is essential for the Christian, as they are called to live a life where their actions attempt to put others before themselves, and in doing so they must understand how other people think and behave in order to determine w ...more
Grace Le
Excellent read for any marriage or any close relationship. The book helps you to realize the wounds of your past and helps you make meaning out of those experiences. The purpose is to connect your past to your present relationship style, or "love style," and to create a path towards a more whole "you" in the context of your relationship.

I LOVE this book. Perhaps it is because I am a vacillator and my husband is an avoider, but this has been one of the most helpful resources for our marriage--maybe THE most of all. We are still using the workbook materials for reflection and dialogue together. It has helped us understand and work on some of our repeated patterns and difficult problems. It has helped us gain greater compassion for one another. It is helping us grow.
This is not only helpful for married couples, though it is extr
Skimmed a lot. Hard to rate because it's mostly 'review' for me and my spouse (we are both mental health professionals.)

It would be a great read for people in relationships who are frustrated with feelings of déjà vu every time a disagreement comes up. Does a wonderful job exploring the cyclical nature of conflict in relationships.
Emily Pennington
There's a lot of hype about this book right now. But I really was not a fan. Didn't feel like I could relate in the least bit. A very odd way of looking at things too. I prefer the direct and practical.
I really found the idea of "love styles" and receiving comfort helpful. However, as with most books like this, I think this could have been half as long. Worth reading the first half.
So many people have told me to read this book. It is based on attachment theory, and gives you 5 "love styles" and then how those styles mesh together when you choose someone with a different style. It is written by Christian authors, but the "Christian-ness" of the book isn't overwhelming and shouldn't bother you if you aren't Christian. I figured out my style, and was telling my husband about it. He was laughing, because it is just SO me. Then he said "Dare I ask about my style?" and while I w ...more
Jeannine Lee
Great book for understanding attachment styles. Very good resource for divorcing people experiencing extreme loneliness.
Dana VanTongeren Rhoad
Wish I would've read this ages ago.

Deep insight and reflection on how your childhood affects your "love style"
This book didn't apply to me, but I didn't figure that out until halfway through it since I had to read all the descriptors about each "type". Bummer. It's more of a book for people who had childhoods that weren't healthy and that didn't prepare them for loving relationships, especially marriage.
Vjollca Gery
Had a huge AHA moment reading this book.
I loved the focus of this book on learning how we love, why we love the way we do, what is healthy And not healthy in our loving styles, problem combinations in couples and what it takes to be a secure attachment partner. I think a lot of us spend little time in developing awareness and in return have a difficult time begins aware and fulfilling needs of others. I would highly recommend this book on a personal healing and growth level rather than on marriage though.
I highly recommend this book, which was recommended to me by a friend who is a Christian counselor. It opened my eyes to some of my early life experiences, explaining how those experiences, through the years, have deeply affected me in all of my relationships. I have advised many people to read this book, as well as the Yerkovichs' subsequent book on the same topic but geared to children, which I have also reviewed on this site.
April Lyn
I probably would've gone closer to 2 1/2 stars, given the option. The whole book just felt very redundant. Lots and lots of stories about the same kinds of people, the same issues... after a while I was just waiting for it to be over. I did discover some things about myself and my husband, but whether that was worth reading the whole book for, I'm not sure.
If you can't afford counseling, buy this book and do what it says - workbook in the back! Make sure you have a supportive network around you though, tough questions to work through alone. (I tried it alone and stopped after the third question because it was too painful.)
I couldn't brag about a self-help book. Not sure if it's because I'm sufficiently screwed up and this book spoke to me deeply or not but it did and it will change my life if I let it. I couldn't more highly recommend this book and now I begin the hardest part...the workbook.
Oct 27, 2008 Kari is currently reading it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage, non-fiction
I heard about this book on the New Life Live radio broadcast. Tim and I started reading it together last night. Boy, it nailed us both! Even after 20+ years of marriage its good to reevaluate and get fresh insights.
Wonderful book. Some very good insights into the reasons why people respond as they do to their mates. I would recommend it for anyone who is trying to figure out the twists and turns of marriage.
So helpful in explaining personality styles and how they mesh. Looking forward to reading another book by the same authors about how your personality style affects your parenting.
amazing self discovery, really learned alot about myself and my husband, significantly increased intimacy in my marriage, recommend the workbook b/c of the soul-searching questions
Kevin Williamson
Some good insights, reminders, and encouragement. As with most modern books ... could be summarized in 20-30 pages. Profiles and tips are helpful general frameworks.
Mark Peterson
Book recommended by a good friend. Really excellent. All married folks -- and those thinking about getting married -- should read this one!
Great insites to marriage and how to continually seek the best for your spouse while remaininf connected to them in honsety and intamacy
I felt like they were writing about me! They are very insightful and give lots of good advice and ideas on how to overcome...issues.
This book does a good job of showing the link between how we were raised, and how we behave in our adult relationships.
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“We are not born knowing how to understand and express what is inside our souls. That kind of knowing ourselves requires contemplation and reflection. We have to learn to notice and be aware of our internal experiences, to search our hearts and find words for what is inside us. Being fully known and understood requires that we say aloud to someone else what is going on within our souls.” 0 likes
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