The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

3.96 of 5 stars 3.96 · rating details · 1,562 ratings · 258 reviews

Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Some say they are a second adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood...more

ebook, 241 pages

Published April 17th 2012 by Twelve

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Oct 01, 2012 Gwen rated it 2 of 5 stars

Recommended to Gwen by: NYT article on cohabitation/marriage 4.15.2012

Shelves: generational-issues

Disclaimer: I am a single urban-dwelling female in my mid-twenties, and those attributes have definitely shaped my opinion of this book. And when I saw Kay Hymowitz's glowing recommendation on the back of the book jacket, I knew that I was in for a frustrating read.

The very day I read this book, The Billfold had a blog posting critiquing Jay's work, and between the review of Mike Dang (The Billfold) and Goodreads reviewer 'M' (below), I don't have much to add to their comments.

Dang's review, in...more

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Jan 08, 2013 Hannah rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Students entering/in college

Recommended to Hannah by: New York Times/News Articles

Shelves: favorites, psych-ish

I like the overall message of the book: Your life, even at your twenties, means something, so make the best of it. I fully believe that people, no matter what their age should not waste away their life by partying all the time and practicing bad habits. Goofing off every now and then is perfectly fine, but making a career out of it is pointless unless you get paid for it and you find it fulfilling. Therefore, this review may be a bit biased.

With the basic message out of the way, I do think the a...more I like the overall message of the book: Your life, even at your twenties, means something, so make the best of it. I fully believe that people, no matter what their age should not waste away their life by partying all the time and practicing bad habits. Goofing off every now and then is perfectly fine, but making a career out of it is pointless unless you get paid for it and you find it fulfilling. Therefore, this review may be a bit biased.

With the basic message out of the way, I do think the audience is limited to people who have access to resources and opportunities, mainly the middle class and upper class. I think the same basic message is viable for all classes, but people of lower classes who don't have access to internships or college may have a harder time connecting with Jay's clients.

Jay backs up all her claims with psychological research that most college students learn in basic psych. While having Jay repeat the same information I've already learned is kinda boring, it is interesting to see how she applies the research. I've read a few reviews and comments on her articles and books, and basically, they complain that her book is too conservative and that she claiming causation instead or correlation. I don't think she's that conservative or confusing causation with correlation. She uses caution and subtle sentences in explaining the difference, but that's how I would expect every psychologist/psychiatrist to react. Her book centers on research and experience in her practice, not on ideology or politics. The major problems people have with her book are probably more due to a limited research/experience with those certain situations rather than her general principles.

By adding her clinical experiences, she means to illustrate the research and her ideas in real life, which works. However, some people may not realize that case studies are specific instances in which it works a certain way for one person. Things may go differently for someone else. That's why when reading her case studies of people, you have to be careful to understand the general idea and not concentrate too much on the details. I know that seems kind of backwards since a case study focuses on specific details and it's not valid to use generalizations from one case study to another, but for the sake of understanding her argument, I suggest you break that scientific rule and go with the flow. She's using the case studies as examples and not scientific proof.

I do think that Jay did a better job on the work issues of her book and that's the section I find more accessible than any other section. However, her other discussions of topics have validity, especially the fertility subject. Some people may not have kids, so they can breeze over the section if they wish, but I think she spends a lot of time talking about fertility is because it's something couples need to talk about: if they want kids, when they want them, possible fertility problems--I think it's important for every couple to talk about even if they don't want kids just in case birth control fails or an accident happens. I also fully agree with her on being in good relationships all the time and not staying with someone who's a deadbeat. Humans are creatures of habit and someone may get stuck in a bad cycle of relationships if he or she is not picky about whom he or she dates.

My only real issue with the book is that it's too future oriented. Yes, it's important to plan for upcoming events, but at the same time, if you're not enjoying your life now or you're so stressed about the future, you can't realize what's in front of you and something's not quite right. I wish Jay would've spent a bit more time talking about the past, present, and future, but she didn't really connect them too much. She sort of blames twentysomethings for being too present oriented, which is funny 'cause I'm twenty and think she's too future oriented to the point where she forgets to tell people to enjoy their current situations. I think her book would have a better tone if she said something along the lines of, "Hanging out is nice and it's important to treasure your friends, but don't forget you still have future goals to achieve. To achieve them, you need to make sure you're taking steps in that direction earlier in your life rather than later."

Another issue I have with this book is saying how bad off thirtysomething and fortysomething people are. They're not all bad off. We can learn from older people's mistakes, but I don't think they should be berated for choosing to do things later in life. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. However, by using poor decisions of older people, Jay is emphasizing her point that it's better to start planning when you're young, which I kind of agree with. She crosses a line sometimes when she speaks about her older clients. I know she's trying to point out how later decisions affected them, but at the same time, it comes close to almost wagging her finger at them when they've already suffered enough.

Sometimes, Jay's writing feels like a mother/aunt/teacher who can just give you a look and you know you're doing something wrong. I don't necessarily feel like it's condescending, but it does make me wonder and ask questions about my life. Based on other psychology books I've read, I know her advice is relative based on the situation, but it's strong advice. If you get anything out of the book, I think it should be this: Your life matters, so make the most of it by taking deliberate actions earlier than later, especially in the direction that you may want to go in. Decisions need to be made because they do impact your future. If you just let life happen to you, it may not be all that fun.

Her advice seems to go against what most people say nowadays, such as, "You have time for that later," "Marriage and babies are for older people," "You're only 23. You don't need a serious relationship or career," and so on. However, I really do believe that we need to put aside these sayings that give "freedom" to twentysomethings and instead use Jay's advice and give them "responsibility for their lives." I want responsibility, so I'm shrugging off anyone who tells me I have time to wait. I'm taking time by the horns and taking action in the direction I want.(less)

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Jun 08, 2013 Tasmia rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2013, non-fiction-2013, career-and-life

"This is how you have your own multigenerational epic with a happy ending. This is how you live your life in real time."

It's probably a good thing Jay reserved those for the closing lines of the last chapter - such a claim on the cover would've set the book up for immediate scorn. But for me that's exactly what the book did give me. Not a how-to, exactly, but a much more useful guide on how to live my life in real time than I'd expected from such a chatty, case-story kind of book. Jay's voice is...more

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Jun 05, 2013 Miranda rated it 3 of 5 stars

The topics covered in this book were weighing heavily on my mind since I graduated college this January.

I was about to embark on the rest of my life, yet middle-aged people I knew seemed like most of themselves had been defined by thirty, spending the last twenty years relatively unchanged and stable.

This was in stark contrast to facing my own peers who spent years in a community college, aimless and wild with the philosophy that we should live it up while we're young and free. But it was also w...more The topics covered in this book were weighing heavily on my mind since I graduated college this January.

I was about to embark on the rest of my life, yet middle-aged people I knew seemed like most of themselves had been defined by thirty, spending the last twenty years relatively unchanged and stable.

This was in stark contrast to facing my own peers who spent years in a community college, aimless and wild with the philosophy that we should live it up while we're young and free. But it was also with the idea that we had plenty of time.

The only problem: the future is closer than it seems. And those habits are seeping into our rapidly developing brains, carrying us through our 20s and entrenching us in a state that's hard to escape from when we desire to, leaving us alone and left behind.

Before reading this book, my mother described what it was like to be a twentysomething in her own words. Thirty is the big deadline. In her case, she was married with kids and a career. She was satisfied. But those who crossed the deadline without much to recall felt a sting of regret. Suddenly the parties weren't memorable at 30. Suddenly it was all registered as wasted time.

Trying to make sense of these thoughts, I then picked up The Defining Decade, and it did nothing more than solidify what I already thought. It fed into everything and made the rest of my life feel far more present and tangible. The stories were always fascinating, but the research anecdotes were sometimes common, cropping up in books as widely read as Malcolm Gladwell's Blink and Outliers.

At times I felt the book was light, and other times it fed into a stereotyped cultural norm rather than exploring (or mentioning) other fulfilling ways one might want to live his life beyond the big four: education, career, marriage, and children. Jay tended to paint herself as the 'right' one in her client anecdotes, and her personal stories seemed placed with the intention to further prove her 'rightness'.

Overall, it's a good read. Fast to read and enjoyable the whole ride.(less)

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Jun 03, 2013 Kimly Nguyen rated it 4 of 5 stars

It was as if I had my own personal psychotherapist in the comforts of my own room, spoon-feeding me the ugly truth and guiding me towards my desired pathway of success and happiness....minus the outrageous charges.

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At the prime of my 20s, this book was just what I needed. As a 20 year old young lady who is in the midst of figuring out what the hell I should really do with my life, why my romantic relationships have been debilitating, and what kind of academic and career choices I should carry...more It was as if I had my own personal psychotherapist in the comforts of my own room, spoon-feeding me the ugly truth and guiding me towards my desired pathway of success and happiness....minus the outrageous charges.

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At the prime of my 20s, this book was just what I needed. As a 20 year old young lady who is in the midst of figuring out what the hell I should really do with my life, why my romantic relationships have been debilitating, and what kind of academic and career choices I should carry out, I bought this on impulse to see if I could reek some beneficial advice from it. Within two days, I finished it...and the pages are now filled with high-lighted marks and post-its on each chapter.

Meg jay did a phenomenal job at picking apart the so-called millennials, in which we are labeled as the "lost ones/baby adults/forever adolescents" from the previous generations, and she clearly identified the manifested insecurities that hinders us from our personal growth. It wasn't another "self-help" book that repetitively drones on about the same crap we've been knowing and neither did it have pretentious diction that seemed to talk down to twenty-somethings; Meg was savvy enough to incorporate her own patient's relateble experiences and delves into them in an almost scientific way with thorough research, data, statistics, and of course...a bit of her own witty two-cents. There wasn't one chapter where I didn't catch myself nodding my head along with what she elaborated on...I mean...I could relate.

It was an honest and articulate read...that I will continue to re-read for many years to come.

I highly recommend it for any young, struggling twenty-something who views their future as murky waters and needs a bit of fire under their ass. After reading this book, it'll motivate you to get that potato bum off the sofa, brush up on your resume, pursue your passion, put 10,000 hours into your craft to truly become a master of it...and, most importantly, to not laze around...under the false premise...that we're forever young,wild and free...because time's a ticking...and our 20s is THE defining decade of our lifetime.(less)

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May 23, 2013 Lu rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: self-improvement

I had originally stumbled upon this book from a TED talk that Meg Jay gave.

http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_...

I had hoped for book to offer some guidance on preparing for life beyond university. The book primarily focuses on two important aspect of life, love and work. Jay draws on her experiences as a counsellor, various research studies and real-life stories about twentysomethings to support the idea that the twenties are the most crucial developmental period in adult life and lay the fo...more

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May 11, 2013 Tim Harrison rated it 2 of 5 stars

Some interesting thoughts w/r/t relationships and shaping your personality as your frontal lobe finishes development, but fails to take into account the current employment atmosphere for the work section. It looks like much of her research and most of the examples given were prior to the recession, when it was possible for her to talk with her clients with such ease about "getting the apprenticeship in DC" or one of the other incredibly difficult suggestions she gives for avoiding "hiding" in un...more Some interesting thoughts w/r/t relationships and shaping your personality as your frontal lobe finishes development, but fails to take into account the current employment atmosphere for the work section. It looks like much of her research and most of the examples given were prior to the recession, when it was possible for her to talk with her clients with such ease about "getting the apprenticeship in DC" or one of the other incredibly difficult suggestions she gives for avoiding "hiding" in unemployment.

No one I know is "HIDING" in unemployment or underemployment. My friends going through this are constantly searching out better opportunities, but are unable to find them. In my own case, I'm in a great job now purely because of sheer, 100% luck.

When I graduated from college, I moved to the bay with my partner to be closer to her parents, and for a change of pace from the place we went to school. It was a tough job market (and still is) but was dramatically better than where we were coming from. I struggled for months trying to find any kind of work. I was turned down from interesting jobs because I didn't have the experience, and turned down from crappy jobs because I was overqualified. My unemployment was mercifully brief, but left a serious impact on me. I will do ANYTHING to avoid being unemployed again.

Out of the blue I got a call from a recruiter who got me a contract at a major tech company and put me on the path I am on now. He happened to see my resume on Monster, and that was that. This was after weeks and months of working my "weak ties" as Dr. Jay advocates in her book, scanning craigslist/monster/whatever daily to find the freshest postings, and wondering around town looking for help wanted signs without success.

This books desperately needs to be reappraised in light of the current economic conditions facing "twentysomethings." The unemployment rate (to say nothing of underemployment) for those 20-24 is 13%, versus 7% for everyone over 20. Jay makes it seem far too easy to find the kind of jobs that build up the "identity capital" she indicates (rightfully) as being important to future prospects, and sections about what to do when you can't just call on a contact to get you a job, or magically find your way into a dream job would make this book more applicable and relevant to those who are coming to this book to look for guidance. (less)

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Apr 24, 2013 David V rated it 5 of 5 stars

As the parent of one current and one soon-to-be twentysomething, I thought this book was right on the mark. In a straightforward and largely anecdotal fashion, Meg Jay presents her case that time matters, especially the time you spend in your twenties. I do not believe she is against having fun or against spending your twenties meeting people, switching jobs, or having great experiences. However, the concept that you have "all the time in the world" to "worry about things later" is largely a myt...more

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Mar 30, 2013 Ivan rated it 4 of 5 stars

Dr. Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist whose work with twentysomethings inspired this book, which on the cover promises readers in their twenties how to make the most of the "defining decade" NOW, and delivers on that promise.

Through various stories from experience with patients in their twenties and references to concepts from psychology, behavioral economics, and medicine, Dr. Jay weaves a narrative urging twentysomethings to set goals, make commitments, and work hard (not at Starbucks). The a...more

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Feb 24, 2013 Laurie Niestrath rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult-nonfiction, professional

Every once in awhile I find a book that is so worthwhile that I want to make it the "official" book to give to everyone that I know. In this case, "The Defining Decade, why your twenties matter-and how to make the most of them now" is that book! Nearly everyone that I know has a child in their 20's or on the verge of entering that decade. The trouble with book gift giving, is the meta message that seems to permeate every gift; the receiver is either doing something wrong or has the potential to...more Every once in awhile I find a book that is so worthwhile that I want to make it the "official" book to give to everyone that I know. In this case, "The Defining Decade, why your twenties matter-and how to make the most of them now" is that book! Nearly everyone that I know has a child in their 20's or on the verge of entering that decade. The trouble with book gift giving, is the meta message that seems to permeate every gift; the receiver is either doing something wrong or has the potential to fall into the category!

I must confess, along with probably everyone over twentysomething reading this book, that I struggled with my life in my twenties, grappled with how to discover a sense of direction and purpose. Where oh, where was Dr. Meg when I needed her? While I am many, many years beyond the age of twenty, I found her ideas to be quite insightful.

Several key ideas resonate with me, as I consider this group of individuals who will be my students in the near future. Jay contrasts and compares "Identity Crisis," which with "Identity Capital." Just yesterday, I chatted with a young person about his reasons for acquiring a part-time job as well as where he spends his time volunteering. I introduced the concept of building capital with his free time rather than squandering it in areas that may lead to a dead end in the future. This is a conversation that we will double loop through several times in the near future!

Jay is willing to tackle those subjects that we assume often "off limits" with young people-the pros and cons of living together prior to engagement, the consequences of "borrowing an ego" rather than developing forward thinking skills, developing a growth mindset and avoiding "present bias." The effects of "memento vivi" encourage young people to broaden their social and visual perspectives to embrace friendships across generations.

I look forward to Jay's presentation at the Virginia Festival of the Book in March! http://www.vabook.org/site13/particip...

(less)

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Jan 17, 2013 Colette rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2013, terrifying, non-fiction

This was a fun and sometimes terrifying read. Meg Jay writes her interactions with former therapy patients with a prose that flows and progresses through all of those milestones people now think they can put off until their 30s: starting a career, getting married, starting a family, being a stable and grounded person...you know, actually being a member of society. Her chapters revolve around these subjects and include the mindtools people needed to nudge their lives towards something they could...more This was a fun and sometimes terrifying read. Meg Jay writes her interactions with former therapy patients with a prose that flows and progresses through all of those milestones people now think they can put off until their 30s: starting a career, getting married, starting a family, being a stable and grounded person...you know, actually being a member of society. Her chapters revolve around these subjects and include the mindtools people needed to nudge their lives towards something they could consider productive and meaningful.

Current pop culture has told us things about our 20s that just aren't true, and the carefree lifestyle depicted by numerous media outlets is actually a pretty good way to make yourself confused and depressed about what your should be doing with your very life. Your 20s line up with the final cognitive changes your brain is making that shape the way you'll think and act out your remaining decades, and many people miss the boat on developing those defense mechanisms. Biology, folks. It's not messing around.

I would recommend this book across the board to anyone because I think it contains some timeless wisdom and the kick-in-the-pants advice that many people need. However, I would stop short from giving it five stars because of two significant factors that aren't brought up:

1) This recession has been particularly nasty to twentysomethings. Getting a stable job is harder to do because companies make fewer entry-level positions. (I will refrain from my current diatribe about Baby Boomers playing puppeteer with the future generations and the college degree bubble, but these have nothing to do with this book.)

2) Dr. Jay interacts primarily with well-to-do and upper middle class young adults who have benefited from a generous safety net that allows them to piss away their twenties and ultimately end up in therapy. Many people from working class backgrounds avoid the aimlessness she describes because if one doesn't get a job and settle to some degree, there will be far more hurt in their lives than just being emotionally unfulfilled. (less)

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Jan 05, 2013 Marissa rated it 5 of 5 stars

Wow.

I read this book from start to finish in literally a few hours, having been sucked into its timely lessons and enlightening ideas. Being a 22-year-old and recent college graduate starting my career, I could relate to Dr. Meg Jay's discussions about the mindset of a twentysomething. She uses logic, data, and experience to share the dangers that twentysomethings find themselves facing and that thinking the twenties are all about "finding ourselves" and putting off decisions and living it up ("...more

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Jul 19, 2012 Nick rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology, self-help

I read this one at the behest of my parents mind you. My dad won it from a radio station under mysterious circumstances. HA! Its really short though so no biggie…

The book forwarded a surprisingly intelligent view given my low expectations. It constitutes a defense and justification for living a relatively focused, disciplined, and "conservative" life during your 20s rather than treating them like throw away years in which underemployment and meaningless relationships should be pursued. Instead,...more I read this one at the behest of my parents mind you. My dad won it from a radio station under mysterious circumstances. HA! Its really short though so no biggie…

The book forwarded a surprisingly intelligent view given my low expectations. It constitutes a defense and justification for living a relatively focused, disciplined, and "conservative" life during your 20s rather than treating them like throw away years in which underemployment and meaningless relationships should be pursued. Instead, establishing yourself on a fulfilling career track as efficiently as possible, and scouting for prospective marriage partners should be on your brain. The idea is that being active and focused in these regards during your 20s both makes you happier in the present, and sets you up for a happier and more autonomous 30s-40s-90s. Its pretty obvious. So obvious in fact that I don't understand why or if anyone truly thinks differently. It is odd though, I do know a lot of people who behave similarly to the ones she describes. Aka highly unmotivated people who aren't going to school, pursuing jobs, pursuing independent creative pursuits which can go on resumes, or doing anything much at all, and somehow think its all going to work out in the long run. Then again I also know a lot of people in the opposite camp as well so who knows how big of a problem this actually is, eh?

There are problems with the book. Mainly the genre. Didn't feel like a real psychology book, probably because its also in that kind of self help genre which inevitably seems seems trite and preachy after a while. The romance chapter was true, but less intuitively obvious so that was a plus. However, I do think she overstates the importance of marrying early. The main reason she cites for this is so that you have a better chance of having a baby. But having a baby which is biologically related to me seems of very little importance to my overall happiness in life, and is certainly not worth sacrificing money, career advancement, or leisure time to achieve.

Basically this is the book you throw this book at prostrate 26 year old stoners while shouting "GET A JOB, YA DAMN BUM".(less)

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Jul 08, 2012 Caren rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult-nonfiction

My own twenties are a distant memory, but I really enjoy books about current research into psychology and neuroscience, and I do have a daughter who has just entered the "defining decade". Looking back, with the "wisdom" of age, I could agree with all of the points Dr. Jay was making. It really is interesting that this decade is perceived now as a time of low pressure and exploration, when for my generation, you got started on being an adult right out of school (whether high school or college)....more My own twenties are a distant memory, but I really enjoy books about current research into psychology and neuroscience, and I do have a daughter who has just entered the "defining decade". Looking back, with the "wisdom" of age, I could agree with all of the points Dr. Jay was making. It really is interesting that this decade is perceived now as a time of low pressure and exploration, when for my generation, you got started on being an adult right out of school (whether high school or college). She illustrated her points with the stories of many of the clients she sees in her practice--she is a clinical psychologist as well as a professor at the University of Virginia--which made the book fairly light, engaging reading. She pointed out that , for the development of the brain, the period of time from adolescence through the twenties is the equivalent of an 18-month-old child, with the rapid addition of neurons. If the connections between the neurons are not set through use, however, they are not kept. (As she quotes an anthropologist, "The more you use your brain, the more brain you have to use." pg. 133) The brain develops from the bottom up and back to front, so the most ancient, primitive part of the brain, the amygdala, develops first. It controls breathing, senses, emotions, sex, pleasure, sleep, hunger, and thirst. The last part to develop, during a person's twenties, is the frontal lobe, the seat of reason and judgement. This area helps us deal with probability and time, plan for the future, and control our emotions. It is in the frontal lobe that new neuronal connections form during the decade of the twenties. Here is Dr. Jay's description of this important phase:
As "neurons that fire together, wire together," the jobs we have and the company we keep are rewiring our frontal lobes--and these same frontal lobes are, in turn, making our decisions in the office and on Saturday nights. Back and forth it goes, as work and love and the brain knit together in the twenties to make us into the adults we want to be in our thirties and beyond. Or not. Because our twenties are the capstone of this last critical period, they are, as one neurologist said, a time of "great risk and great opportunity." ....Never again will we be so quick to learn new things. Never again will it be so easy to become the people we hope to be. The risk is that we may not act now. In a use-it-lose-it fashion, the new frontal lobe connections we use are preserved and quickened; those we don't use just waste away through pruning. We become what we hear and see and do every day. We don't become what we don't hear and see and do every day. In neuroscience, this is known as "survival of the busiest". Twentysomethings who use use their brains by engaging with good jobs and real relationships are learning the language of adulthood just when their brains are primed to learn it. (pgs. 141-142)

Dr Jay addresses work life, love life, and being able to look ahead and attempt to map out a future. She kind of made me feel nostalgic that I didn't have it to do all over again! I imagine her book would be very helpful for those in the "defining decade". (less)

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May 28, 2012 Kevin Bensema rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: other

The author makes some excellent points: what we do and with whom we date and interact in our twenties will define the remainder of our life. She lays out the typical 'lost and wandering' feeling of a person in his 20s through discussion of counseling sessions with past clients.

The main thrust is this: you undergo major changes for the last time in your twenties, and your work and family life are probably going to be defined by what you do and do not do. If you want your life to look like X, you...more

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May 26, 2012 Elizabeth rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, self-help

First off, I expected to hate The Defining Decade. Which does beg the question as to why I was reading it, but never mind that. I feared that the book would read like one giant "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" to me, a single, 28-year-old law clerk living at home while I continue the search for a more permanent position. I suspect Dr. Jay would tell me that I am doing a few things "wrong," at least in the sense of not furthering my goals, but I also learned I have probably done at least a few things righ...more

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May 11, 2012 Lauren rated it 4 of 5 stars

It is true that twentysomethings are constantly being told, "You're so young!," "You have all the time in the world!," "Use this time to live it up!," and "Why worry about it now?" While things like this are comforting to hear, they are also sending a confusing message to our generation. Several factors, such as the economic climate, have changed the way we live out our twenties, but that doesn't mean that we should not be thinking about critical issues that will affect us in the years ahead.

I...more

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Apr 22, 2012 M. rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012

I feel so conflicted about this book. I really, really wanted to like this a lot more than I actually did.
Like many others, I was impressed by her Op-Ed piece and pre-ordered the book, thinking that it would have more for me (I'm almost 29 and a *half*!), and that it would more objectively discuss social phenomena such as cohabitation and divorce.

On the one hand, Meg Jay has some pretty good career tips and makes some good points regarding time. While Dr. Jay only pays lip service to the reces...more

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Jul 21, 2012 Olga rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, do-not-want, therapy, 2-star-rating

Technically I think my review is "spoilery", so I'd advise not reading it if you want to read the book without influence from my opinion. I do not consider myself an authority in anything, and this review is simply my incoherent rants about things that made me upset, for my own reference. It's also pretty long.

Anyway.

This book made me really, really, really fucking angry.

Don't get me wrong, I understand what Dr. Jay's purpose for writing this was: trying to empower twentysomethings and help t...more

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Apr 20, 2012 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars

Like probably many other readers, I came across Meg Jay's book from the NYT article on cohabitation and why it leads to higher levels of divorce (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opi...). I immediately pre-ordered the book on my Kindle (something I pretty much never do) since I was drawn in by Jay's strong voice of reason, balanced with astute study choices and a delineation and exploration of all the gray areas that the studies on cohabitation bring about.

Having now read her book, I'm happy to...more

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Jun 05, 2013 Linnie Greene rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I'm still feeling really mixed-up about this book, which I finished this morning. Romantically, everything here made sense, and seemed intuitive. Hold partners to a standard, or accept something half-baked and unfulfilling; if you're envisioning a particular type of relationship, look for that person in an environment where they could reasonably be found.

Professionally, though, things felt muddled, perhaps because that's where my 20-something confusion has been at its most chaotic. The book vas...more

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Aug 15, 2012 Ann rated it 3 of 5 stars

There were many things to like about this book, especially the emphasis on the importance of using weak links in your job search, making sure you have the same life goals before you cohabitate with someone, the importance of being intentional in your twenties, the concept of identity capital, taking everything you see on facebook with a grain of salt (i.e. people's lives may not be as awesome as they are portrayed on FB) and not comparing others accomplishments with your goals because not everyo...more

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May 24, 2012 Andrea Judy rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book is a lot of hard love and doesn't hold punches or attempt to coddle. I know that a lot of the people that are angered by this book and talking about the economy and that no works a Mcjob because they want and that is all true, but there are things you can do to keep moving forward and I think that is what Jay is getting at.
Your twenties are not a time to float in the wind and see where you end up. It's not the time to just let 'fate' dictate where to go and what to do. This decade bet...more

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Jan 30, 2013 Ideen Solhtalab rated it 3 of 5 stars

Dr. Jay offers up some good insights, but I didn't find any of them to be particularly novel. That being said, it's all great advice...particularly for teenagers. If you are the parent of a teenager, buy (or rent :)) this book for them. Here are my takeaways:

1) Its important to have a personal brand (what she calls "identity capital")
2) Weak ties (acquaintances) are powerful for getting jobs and even relationships
3) People often present themselves (particularly through social media like Facebook...more

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Jun 15, 2013 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2013-reads

Disclaimer: I'm not in my 20s. But I was, once upon a not-too-distant time, and I certainly recognize my twenty-something self in some of what Meg Jay says.

Jay's premise, which a segment of readers seems to find insulting and/or horrifying, is that your time and what you do with it matters. Marking time, she posits, is wasting time - and that's hard to argue with. But surely that's true at any age? Why pick on twenty-somethings? Because the groundwork for adulthood - all those things people say...more

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Mar 31, 2013 Marc rated it 2 of 5 stars

3 for content, 2 for execution. Other reviews here do a better job of describing how Jay's analysis is limited by being based of psychiatric case studies of pretty privileged 20-somethings, but the ideas are very solid at their heart. We have a hard time planning into the future and tend to ground our hopes and dreams in abstraction and think of our future self as a different person, instead of the aggregate of our small actions every day. We attempt to introspect our way into a fulfilling life...more

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Dec 31, 2012 Go2therock rated it 4 of 5 stars

Ok, I'd suggest you read this book first, then move on to The 20 Something Manifesto; but I strongly recommend twenty-somethings read this book. In this day and age, one of two things are not happening, or more likely, both: parents are not discussing these things with their children and/or the kids aren't listening. And yet, the wisdom needs to be shared. Yes, you can learn this the hard way, and join the massive club of coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Or you can take a little time and listen.

Definin...more

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Jan 24, 2013 Sarah rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Yuck, I will not be finishing this one. She comes across as very judgmental to both her clients and readers--I would hate to have her as my therapist! The biggest problem is she stacks everyone up against the same measures of success: a "good" job, finding a suitable spouse, and procreating. If you decide to have children in your thirties or even forties, you're apparently squandering your prime baby-making years in your twenties. She doesn't seem to factor in that maybe not everyone wants the t...more

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May 18, 2012 Sam Dean rated it 2 of 5 stars

There are many reasons for me why this book was not worth any more than two stars. I thought that Meg Jay did a great job of catching the readers interest but the way that the book was formatted seemed off to me.

She starts out with the section titled Work and for me, that was the most interesting part of the entire book. As a matter of fact, if I were to recommend this book to other twentysomethings, I might only recommend that section of the book. I thought her sociological perspectives were r...more There are many reasons for me why this book was not worth any more than two stars. I thought that Meg Jay did a great job of catching the readers interest but the way that the book was formatted seemed off to me.

She starts out with the section titled Work and for me, that was the most interesting part of the entire book. As a matter of fact, if I were to recommend this book to other twentysomethings, I might only recommend that section of the book. I thought her sociological perspectives were right on point and she had a lot of good advice for those twentysomethings who are still trying to find their passion or are just entering the "real world."

The next section, "Love" was still interesting but it seemed to me that in this section, more than the previous one, Dr. Jay was constantly judging and criticizing her clients. Is that what psychoananlysts are supposed to do? I always thought you were supposed to be open and offer alternative options, but NEVER judge your clients! Another reason this section turned me off, her advice was great for twentysomethings who are looking to settle down and get married some day...but what about those who have no interest in marrying? She claims this book is for all twentysomethings, and then she targets one specific population...twentysomethings who want to get married and have kids.

Finally, she ended her book with a section called "The Brain and the Body." I hated this section and thought the book would have been more credible without it. She suggets that all women should have children in their late twenties, when she herself had children in her thirties, and if they don't see that as a possibility, why not freeze your eggs?! Explain this, Meg Jay, how in the world am I, as a twentysomething female just getting my grounding in the world as you imply in the first section of the book, going to afford to get my eggs frozen?

Overall, the book was...interesting. I wouldn't dissuade anyone from reading it and would love to have more conversations with people who have read it. One great thing the book does do, is allow you critically analyze what you want in your own life and how you're going to get there...whether it be by Meg Jay's advice, or not.(less)

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Mar 23, 2013 Mallie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Even though I didn't agree with every last thing in this book, overall I found it a very worthwhile read for any twenty-something.

A few favorite quotations:

"The twenties are an inflection point—the great reorganization—a time when the experiences we have disproportionately influence the adult lives we will lead."

On "Identity capital":
"Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make i...more

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“Traveling in a third-world country is the closest thing there is to being married and raising kids. You have glorious hikes and perfect days on the beach. You go on adventures you would never try, or enjoy, alone. But you also can't get away from each other. Everything is unfamiliar. Money is tight or you get robbed. Someone gets sick or sunburned. You get bored. It is harder than you expected, but you are glad you didn't just sit home.” — 4 people liked it

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