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Gods of the Jungle Planet (Gods of the Jungle Planet)

3.67 of 5 stars 3.67  ·  rating details  ·  21 ratings  ·  16 reviews
Even in Space . . . Nature Finds a Way.

After a wrong turn into a black hole, the last hope for humanity crash lands on planet 58-B, a lush land where life is short and brutal for any but the most badass.

War rages on between the raptors and a race of part-scorpion, part-humans known as the Skjerdals. Conflicts between members of the sex-crazed crew run high as hearts are br
Paperback, 208 pages
Published January 2nd 2012 by Guy & Campbell Publishing
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wow. terrible, but with some accidentally good writing in it.

review to come.

heh. come.
okay, real review starts.... NOW!!

harry turtledove wishes he could write schlock the way vernon d.burns writes schlock.

this book has it all - dinosaurs, scorpions, genocide, dragons, 6-year-old homosexual biologists, boobies, boobies, boobies,meatloaf-as-anal-lubricant, naked mole rats, cranky environmentalist sp
Ian Pagan-Gladfly
Can I Have Just One More Look?

DJ Ian in the studio with Professor Murray Jay Siskind, Dean of the Popular Culture Faculty and Head of the Elvis Studies Department, College-on-the-Hill:

DJ Ian: A summary of "Gods of the Jungle Planet" might make it sound like trash fiction.

Prof. Murray Jay Siskind: It's much more than that.

I read it in one day, and it was a great and humbling experience, let me tell you. Close to mystical.

Modern day society is suffering brain fade. We need an occasional catastroph
Joshua Nomen-Mutatio
Jan 17, 2012 Joshua Nomen-Mutatio rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Caris O'Malley, Michael Springer
Recommended to Joshua Nomen-Mutatio by: Flyrdknn
Shelves: fiction
Ever get the feeling that your conflicting desires or beliefs or viewpoints are in such irreconcilable opposition that you're actually two distinct personalities housed in one corporeal form? I'd bet dollars to donuts that V.D. Burns is often in this state. I'm no fancified cityboy collegeboy psychologist but I'm pretty sure he is afflicted with The Disease Formerly Known As Multiple Personality Disorder or maybe—just maybe—isn't a person at all, but rather a pseudonym for a wily ghostwriting du ...more
Hahaahahahahahahah!! I love this book!

That's right. This bad boy is 5 stars!! But let me remind you that gr defines 5 stars as "it was amazing." And that's truly what this is: It is amazing... bad. Those 5 stars represent negative stars.

This deliberate romp into baaaad writing hits one of my tenderest buttons (twss). When a number of items or people is given, I automatically keep track as they go by or, in this case, are killed in various ways. This bastard author throws out a couple winner
Have you ever been lied to by a five-year old? Where the kid starts telling you a story that is obviously made up, but every time the kid starts getting bored with it, they add new ridiculous details that make it even more implausible? And they have no self-awareness that will help them realize you know they're pulling every idea straight out of their ass? You ever had that happen? That's what reading this book is like.

Except it's not written by a five-year old. No: this A.D.D.-influenced opus
mark monday
Feb 14, 2012 mark monday rated it 2 of 5 stars
Recommended to mark by: Michael
CAUTION: in honor of GODS OF THE JUNGLE PLANET, this is disgusting. I seriously advise you to read no further. Seriously! DON'T DO IT!

(view spoiler)
MJ Nicholls
Jun 16, 2012 MJ Nicholls rated it 1 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Lazy parodists
Recommended to MJ by: Lazy parodists

Gods of the Jungle Planet

Review by Gordon Lish Jnr.

I am the illegitimate son of famous editor Gordon Lish, a.k.a. The Man Who Made Carver Readable. I say illegitimate since it was never proven my father slept with anyone in his life. I review stories online now since the New York Review of Books fired me for stealing their paperclips and their smug self-indulgent elitist remarks. They accused me of being a humourless reviewer who frequently missed the point but those pe
This book is like if the best book in the world had a lust affair with the worst book in the world, and that affair resulted in the birth of two children, a brother and a sister. Then, those children had an incestuous affair with each other, which resulted in the birth of two children, a brother and a sister. Then, those incestuous children had an incestuous affair, which resulted in the birth of twins, a brother and a sister. Then those incestuous, incestuous twins had twincest with each other, ...more
I think we’re looking at two very real possibilities here: either Vernon D. Burns is a goddamned genius or he’s batshit crazy.

I find myself leaning toward the former. This story is just too bad. Bad in the way that the real world is bad. It’s like gas station egg rolls and guys who wear their pants halfway down their asses. It’s weird and it doesn’t make sense, but it is.

So many reviewers of this book have been unable to delve beneath the surface. Everyone talks about the meatloaf lube, the hemi
Jan 27, 2012 Manny rated it 1 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Not maiden aunts
Recommended to Manny by: Everyone
ANCHORMAN: And now we're going over to Goodreads, where they're just about to present the coveted Worst Book Of All Time Award. I know we're looking forward to finding out who the winner will be. Stay tuned.

ZIPPY THE PINHEAD: Ladies, gentlemen and others. I am indeed Zippy the Pinhead!! Don't believe any malicious rumors you may have heard to the contrary, possibly based on my use of bold fonts and LOLcats. No sir, this is Zippy at your service!!!

[Audience applaud politely]

ZIPPY: No time to lose
Paquita Maria Sanchez
Hey guys! Sorry I'm late....

I received the following notification from Microsoft Word while nearing the end of this book: "There are too many spelling and grammatical errors in 'Gods of the Jungle Planet.rtf' to continue displaying them. To check the spelling and grammar of this document, choose Spelling and Grammar from the tools menu." This made me laugh, but not nearly as much as practically every single line in this glorious piece of shit did.

Look, I've watched Cannibal! The Musical approxim
Steve Lowe
I don't think God will be very happy when He finds out you used his name in your title. Ph, and by the way, your initials V.D. also stand for Venereal Disease, which is really gross. You might want to think about just going by Vernon from now on.

The only good part of this book was the inter-species sex. I didn't like the gay guy. I thought he was stupid.
So far I have enjoyed every single book I have read in 2012. This book is no exception. I'm not giving it any negative stars. It would get every star I could possibly give it.

100% Team Raptor, btw.
Son Porter
This book is dick. The only thing worse is this:

Jan 29, 2012 Ben added it
I almost got this book signed.

The man was sitting in the middle of a desolate Borders(RIP), staring balnkity-blank at the wall, doodling things. He would cast imploring looks at harried patrons, then another, equally dismal look, at the stack of books next to him.

I gave him a friendly smile, debated buying a sympathy-book, and escaped to the children's section.


I'm actually not quite sure how I feel about this.

Scribble Orca
Jul 21, 2012 Scribble Orca marked it as to-be-consideread
A Michael Recommendation!
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The Vernon D. Bur...: Uhhh, fuck yeah? 76 35 Jul 29, 2012 12:05PM  
Vernon has been writing one book a week now for the last seventy two years, and he estimates that he has sent roughly 9,000 query letters to presses great and small. Very recently, at the age of 82, he teamed up with Guy and Campbell Publishing to finally bring his books to the public. He is also the author of such other classics as Sharkzilla, Cavern of the Diarrhia Monster, and the Gluyns, Elf W ...more
More about Vernon D. Burns...
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“Baby, where we're going, you won't need a shirt.” 12 likes
“He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.” 4 likes
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