Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence

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Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence

by Rosalind Wiseman (Goodreads Author)

3.75 of 5 stars 3.75 · rating details · 3,071 ratings · 454 reviews

“My daughter used to be so wonderful. Now I can barely stand her and she won’t tell me anything. How can I find out what’s going on?”

“There’s a clique in my daughter’s grade that’s making her life miserable. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore. Her own supposed friends are turning on her, and she’s too afraid to do anything. What can I do?”

Welcome to the wonderful wor...more “My daughter used to be so wonderful. Now I can barely stand her and she won’t tell me anything. How can I find out what’s going on?”

“There’s a clique in my daughter’s grade that’s making her life miserable. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore. Her own supposed friends are turning on her, and she’s too afraid to do anything. What can I do?”

Welcome to the wonderful world of your daughter’s adolescence. A world in which she comes to school one day to find that her friends have suddenly decided that she no longer belongs. Or she’s teased mercilessly for wearing the wrong outfit or having the wrong friend. Or branded with a reputation she can’t shake. Or pressured into conforming so she won’t be kicked out of the group. For better or worse, your daughter’s friendships are the key to enduring adolescence—as well as the biggest threat to her well-being.

In her groundbreaking book, Queen Bees and Wannabes, Empower cofounder Rosalind Wiseman takes you inside the secret world of girls’ friendships. Wiseman has spent more than a decade listening to thousands of girls talk about the powerful role cliques play in shaping what they wear and say, how they respond to boys, and how they feel about themselves. In this candid, insightful book, she dissects each role in the clique: Queen Bees, Wannabes, Messengers, Bankers, Targets, Torn Bystanders, and more. She discusses girls’ power plays, from birthday invitations to cafeteria seating arrangements and illicit parties. She takes readers into “Girl World” to analyze teasing, gossip, and reputations; beauty and fashion; alcohol and drugs; boys and sex; and more, and how cliques play a role in every situation.

Each chapter includes “Check Your Baggage” sections to help you identify how your own background and biases affect how you see your daughter. “What You Can Do to Help” sections offer extensive sample scripts, bulleted lists, and other easy-to-use advice to get you inside your daughter’s world and help you
help her.

It’s not just about helping your daughter make it alive out of junior high. This book will help you understand how your daughter’s relationship with friends and cliques sets the stage for other intimate relationships as she grows and guides her when she has tougher choices to make about intimacy, drinking and drugs, and other hazards. With its revealing look into the secret world of teenage girls and cliques, enlivened with the voices of dozens of girls and a much-needed sense of humor, Queen Bees and Wannabes will equip you with all the tools you need to build the right foundation to help your daughter make smarter choices and empower her during this baffling, tumultuous time of life.

From the Hardcover edition.(less)

Hardcover, 352 pages

Published April 30th 2002 by Crown

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Feb 19, 2008 Bonnie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

This is a book I read after seeing the movie Mean Girls, which is a fictionalization of this actual book, although it is a nonfiction book, not a novel. I soooo wish this book had been around when I was in school. It was a revelation to me and explained the grand majority of social interactions that happened to me back then. The language is easy to read and precise without being technical or psychoanalytic.

Good suggestions for getting out of bad situations -- bullying, gossiping, drinking parti...more

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Jun 23, 2007 Jackie rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: educationallit

Honestly, watch Mean Girls! This book was the inspiration for the film and I think Tina Fey hit the nail on the head with the Queen Bee dynamic.
Unfortunately, this book fails to address other groups besides middle/upper class white straight girls. There is little to no mention of any other racial demographic. I was disheartened that the author chose to relegate the topic of sexual orientation to a mere small chapter, sandwiched between heterosexual dating and sex.
Overall, it's quite obvious (s...more

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Apr 03, 2007 Deborah rated it 2 of 5 stars

I (obviously) am not the parent of an adolescent girl, but one of my colleagues recommended this book to me since we are starting to see some clique-ishness in the older girls at the school where I serve. The book has a very particular audience (parents), and sometimes the author's preachy tone and manner of simplistically classifying types of girls or situations rubs me the wrong way. I also tend to think that much of this is common sense. However, I suppose for some parents, this would be a de...more

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Jun 22, 2008 Andrea rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: everybody!!!

Recommended to Andrea by: Desi & Katie!

I thought that this book started strong. But my problem with self-help books is that I grow bored of the topic. This book kept me until the last couple of chapters that I felt was pretty much common sense. But I feel strongly to urge every woman with or without daughters to read this book. It applies to those raising daughters and those still trying to grow up (which, let's be honest, is most of us). It helped me take a good look at myself and my "growing up as a girl" experience. Girls are just...more

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May 12, 2008 Kirsti rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, psychology

I enjoy pop psychology, and I liked the movie Mean Girls (which was based on this book), so I thought I'd give it a try.

Reading this did not give me horrible flashbacks to my middle-school years. :-) But it did give me some interesting insights on roles girls play. Queen Bee, Sidekick, Wannabe, and Target are all pretty obvious, but Banker was a surprise to me. I assumed she was a girl who tried to buy popularity or friendship. Actually, she is someone who collects embarrassing or damaging infor...more

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Oct 02, 2010 Tracey rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: read-in-2010

This book was better than 3- maybe a 3.5. It was well written but to be honest it scared me a little bit! It had a lot of really good information and helpful things for dealing with your daughter as she goes through middle school and high school. However, I think it made it seem almost like your daughter could not possibly go through high school with doing something really bad. And in the chapter about sex I felt that teaching abstinence was not discussed enough. I know it wasn't a "religious" b...more

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Jul 02, 2009 Elisa rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have read this book 4 times now. It is a must read for anyone who has to deal with women. It's not just about how to deal with "mean girls" as in teenagers, its also about mean little girls and mean women. The author stated that every woman, at one point or another, will play every roll in the book. I totally agree.

It is not a book that you can just sit down and read. You have to read, digest. Read, digest. However, if you stick to it, you will have gained knowledge on how to not only help yo...more

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Jan 17, 2008 Michelle rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Enlightening. I was hesitant about this book's thesis. But after refection I agree that a girl's position in the social heirarchy can affect whether she becomes a perpetrator, bystander, or victim first among her relationships with girls and then later among her relationships with boyfriends.
I also now see the limitations of a "just say no" campaign.
And besides just scaring parents by iluminating the realities of Girl and Boy World in Adolescence, Wiseman also offers tips, techniques, scripts f...more

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Apr 02, 2013 J rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

Wow - I hated this book! I’m pregnant with my first child - a daughter - and overdosing on parenting books. I saw this book in the library and thought it looked interesting.

This book was hard to read because it paints such a dramatic & painful view of female adolescence. It just isn’t realistic. I was a teen not that long ago. I was part of a clique and we were immature, but we never went to the lengths described as normal in this book. My childhood was actually really pleasant. It never oc...more Wow - I hated this book! I’m pregnant with my first child - a daughter - and overdosing on parenting books. I saw this book in the library and thought it looked interesting.

This book was hard to read because it paints such a dramatic & painful view of female adolescence. It just isn’t realistic. I was a teen not that long ago. I was part of a clique and we were immature, but we never went to the lengths described as normal in this book. My childhood was actually really pleasant. It never occurred to me to drink, use drugs or have sex. I obeyed my parents. I focused on school. I went on a few dates later in high school, but never became obsessed with it. I had my first serious boyfriend in college and married my second boyfriend at 25. We honored our morals and waited until marriage to act like married people. All my friends had christian values and when someone fell short and behaved badly, they’d eventually seek forgiveness. The world described by the author just isn’t one I have ever experienced.

Sex, drugs, drinking and disrespect for authorities is portrayed as normal. Those who disagree are dismissed as “in denial” or “niave”. The parents reading this book must have been truly messed up themselves to think this behavior is normal or acceptable. Maybe they are too busy trying to be their daughter’s friend or building her “self esteem” to actually parent.

The book also completely disregards and pointedly does not acknowledge the role of God or morals. Umm, maybe all these problems exist because you are refusing to acknowledge God & morals! There is a section where the author says there is “no excuse” for not providing sex education to your daughter. She mocks those who believe in abstinence. There are also several sections on homosexuality and “accepting” this lifestyle.

The author describes girls as “nasty” and this just has never been my experience. I have also never seen any physical violence by or at girls. I think the author confused the movie “Mean Girls” with reality. The author’s “realities of adolescence” just aren’t.(less)

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Jun 27, 2012 Marianna rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I finished this book in pretty much one day. The idea is simple: Wiseman teaches you as a parent what could go on in your teenage girl's (and a little bit of a teenage boy's) social and school life. Wiseman was quite spot on. I as a fresh-out-of-high-school student thought she hit all advice and diagrams right on the nail.

When reading, I was quite aware that the book was the basis for the film Mean Girls. It was cool finding specific parts that were talked about (for example, the junior girls m...more

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Jun 04, 2012 Angela Risner rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I admit it. I love the movie Mean Girls. I bought it. I watch it over and over. It cheers me up and makes me giggle.

I watched the extras and the movie is actually based in part on this book. So, even though I am and plan to remain sans children, I wanted to read it.

I think that this is a must-read for anyone with kids, not just those with daughters. And it can actually be applied toward adults as well. Cliques don't just stop in high school - they continue into college and even into our 30s and...more I admit it. I love the movie Mean Girls. I bought it. I watch it over and over. It cheers me up and makes me giggle.

I watched the extras and the movie is actually based in part on this book. So, even though I am and plan to remain sans children, I wanted to read it.

I think that this is a must-read for anyone with kids, not just those with daughters. And it can actually be applied toward adults as well. Cliques don't just stop in high school - they continue into college and even into our 30s and beyond.

Wiseman breaks down the hierarchy in the Queen Bee circle. I saw myself in different roles, including that of the Queen Bee. But I've also been the Sidekick, the Messenger, and the Banker. And, I've been the Target.

Growing up is hard, no matter what role you play. And what our parents tell us, even when we don't appear to be listening, can really impact our lives.

I know that my parents constantly told me to "act like it didn't matter, never show that you're hurt, etc." And so yes, I grew up withholding emotions and acting as though all was perfect, a la Bree van de Kamp. My nephew, who was about 11 at the time, told me that I thought I was perfect. A friend of mind told me, after witnessing me hold it together at my father's funeral, that I was a lot to live up to.

I have to say that after reading this book, I was even happier about not having children. When I think of what parents go through with their kids now, I shudder. I know how much I lied as a child, and we didn't have the internet or anything then. I can only imagine the art to which kids elevate it now.

Think that your kids only have one Facebook account? You're probably wrong. Think giving them a cell phone is keeping them safe? Not when they can fake being anywhere, since they can call you from anywhere. Think 8 is too young to teach your kids about sex? Not hardly.

If you're looking for the right way to communicate with your kids, Wiseman has tons of great suggestions. I think it's an excellent book for anyone to read, though, as it has such great lessons for all of us.(less)

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Mar 22, 2012 Breanna rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book because mum has had it occupying the bookshelf for a long time and I was curious about what it would have in it. I remember when I was younger (maybe age 11 or 12) and HATING it. I think it was more because mum wanted to "get to know me" more then the book. She took the book very seriously and even when she worked with the suggestions about how to ask her daughter, me, questions about situations described in the book I would never give the answer that Mrs. Wiseman would give in...more

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Oct 12, 2011 Erica rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I bought this because I heard Ms Wiseman on the radio talking about interviewing thousands of middle schoolers for the insights and language that became this book. I was impressed by her ability to recognize that we needed new pigeonholes for old behaviors, and her enthusiasm for the leg-work.
She really revised the consept of the bully to include girl non-physical domineering/controlling/malevolent behavior. It is sort of the non-fiction companion book to "Cat's Eye" by Margaret Atwood (publishe...more

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Mar 19, 2011 Peacegal rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: owned-books

Queen Bees is more directed toward the parents of teenagers than Reviving Ophelia, but don't let that scare you off if you are a bullied student or interested in combating bullying from a sociological perspective.

Queen Bees was a helpful resource for me, who was bullied by mostly female peers from early adolescence into early adulthood with varying degrees of visciousness. I occasionally return to materials on bullying to help me understand what happened to me and how it still shapes my personal...more Queen Bees is more directed toward the parents of teenagers than Reviving Ophelia, but don't let that scare you off if you are a bullied student or interested in combating bullying from a sociological perspective.

Queen Bees was a helpful resource for me, who was bullied by mostly female peers from early adolescence into early adulthood with varying degrees of visciousness. I occasionally return to materials on bullying to help me understand what happened to me and how it still shapes my personality to this day, and to help me be a better resource for patrons who may ask me about classroom cruelty.

Wiseman helpfully categorizes the various players in cliques as Queen Bees, Sidekicks, Bankers, Floaters, Torn Bystanders, Pleasers/Wannabes/Messengers, and Targets. Humorously, I also categorized the cliquey girls in my high school lunchroom as "Class A's" (Queen Bees), "Class B's" (Sidekicks), and "Class C's" (Wannabes/Floaters). I fit into none of these, because, well, I was a textbook Target.

Wiseman writes of the Target:

-She feels helpless to stop the girls' behavior.
-She feels she has no allies. No one will back her up.
-She feels isolated.
-She can mask her hurt by rejecting people first, saying she doesn't like anyone.
...
She feels ashamed of being rejected by the other girls because of who she is. She'll be tempted to change herself in order to fit in. She feels vulnerable and unable to affect the outcome of her situation. She could become so anxious that she can't concentrate on schoolwork.

Yep, that was me, all right. Queen Bees hits the nail on the head when it informs readers that teens will rarely tell their parents the whole scope of what's going on. The insidious thing about bullying is the way it takes control of your brain: "Are they seeing something I'm not?" "There must be something really wrong with me." "I can't let my parents know I'm such a loser, they would be so ashamed." Although my parents were aware I wasn't treated well, they had no idea of the true scope of it all. I honestly wish this book would have been available to them when I was starting junior high and high school.

Wiseman also categorizes students outside the social cliques. I imagine I would have best fit into the "Quiet, Morose Girl/Loner" mold in high school...and, well, as an adult, for that matter. I do wish Wiseman would have talked more about how our social roles in youth often influence the development of our personalities as adults.

The author spends much time discussing the crucial aspect of boyfriends and correctly states that a relationship is a "crucial validation" for a girl that "increases her sense of self-worth." What she does not state is that this value explicitly takes its cues from adulthood. We are not a culture that holds singledom in high regard. Even though I was very much an adult when I entered into my first serious relationship, I too felt the rush of validation when I could finally say I had a boyfriend. Most females in our culture look to males for feelings of belonging and self-worth, and this is a problem of society in general, not just youth culture. (less)

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Feb 24, 2011 Molly Uyeda rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Who would have thought that the drama filled teen movie, Mean Girls was based on the non fiction book, Queen Bees and Wannabes? The hilarious but evil movie actually has some truth to it. The author of the book, Rosalind Wiseman, travels to different middle school and high school working with girls and boys to address everyday teen topics like gossiping, relationships, drugs, parties, and parent-child relations. The story dissects the life of teenage girls and boys by imputing her analysis on ex...more Who would have thought that the drama filled teen movie, Mean Girls was based on the non fiction book, Queen Bees and Wannabes? The hilarious but evil movie actually has some truth to it. The author of the book, Rosalind Wiseman, travels to different middle school and high school working with girls and boys to address everyday teen topics like gossiping, relationships, drugs, parties, and parent-child relations. The story dissects the life of teenage girls and boys by imputing her analysis on experiences shared by the students she talks to at her workshops. While this book was designed for parents to read, I would recommend females to read this book so that they are more aware about the world around them.

Since the book was targeted at parents, the majority of the book puts the teen life into perspective. While all parents have been thirteen at some point of their lives, Wiseman critically explains the motivations of girls and reminds parents about what it was like to be a teenager. She shares the stories of girls and boys and offers advice for parents for how to deal with certain situations. In all, her purpose is to teach parents and children to be respectful of others and to be mindful of their actions.

Reflecting on our actions is something that we don’t do enough. I appreciate Wiseman’s approach to a sensitive but necessary topic because she talks about topics in an open and well informed way with multiple perspectives. For example, she has a section called the “Art of Apology”(148), in this section, she shows that girls need to recognize their mistakes, apologize without giving if’s, but’s, and etc, and not force the other person to apologize too, even though they should. Not only does she give her own opinion on the topic, but she includes quotes from students that give advice on how to give a good apology. It showed the maturity of Wiseman because she wasn’t pushing her own beliefs onto other parents.

Even though Wiseman was cautious with her advice on sensitive topics, she was not afraid of telling parents what they don’t want to hear on extremely necessary topics. It might sound a bit hypocritical, at first, but in fact, it isn’t. “While we’re on the subject, the worse gossip you are, the worse your daughter will be (and you thought she didn’t listen to you!)” (112) She understands that sometimes she has to break it down. The fact that she spells it out clearly, shows that she isn’t afraid to do what is necessary to break the habit of gossiping.

All in all, Wiseman’s novel is quite entertaining and enlightening. I respect her because she includes other people’s opinions and their perspective, such as teenage girls, teenage boys, parents, and teachers. I never thought think about my life in middle school in such a critical way, and reading Wiseman’s words help guide me through this tough topic. If given the chance, Wiseman can do the same for you.(less)

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Feb 24, 2011 Monica rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Book Review: Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman

She is a slut. She is trying too hard. What is she wearing? He is desperate for attention. He is so dumb. Ugh. These phrases are all too common in the teen world. Between the ages of twelve and eighteen years, teenagers’ worse critics are themselves—along with the other three hundred or so students that go to their school. Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes is a nonfiction book that guides parents and teens alike through the obstac...more Book Review: Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman

She is a slut. She is trying too hard. What is she wearing? He is desperate for attention. He is so dumb. Ugh. These phrases are all too common in the teen world. Between the ages of twelve and eighteen years, teenagers’ worse critics are themselves—along with the other three hundred or so students that go to their school. Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes is a nonfiction book that guides parents and teens alike through the obstacles of the adolescent world. Wiseman is an internationally renowned expert on children, teens, parents, bullying, and social justice. Her knowledge and expertise evidently comes through the story with the critical thinking she expresses on the subject. The story primarily focuses on girls, cliques, and social status. Wiseman explains that these three things are all intertwined. What girls say and what they do can all be traced back to these three things. Wiseman makes undeniable connections and fosters deep discussion that compels me to agree with her thesis. Girls deeply want to fit in.
Being considered “out” or “not fitting in” can mean several things according to the book. Girls who are not popular, who have a negative reputation, who do not fit a preconceived image, or who are just simply different can earn them the title of being “out”. Attempting to fit in or increasing your social status is the biggest theme that is presents in this book. My reaction right off the bat was that the stuff that Wiseman was describing is quite true. “Most girls are obsessed about their looks…” (76). This was one of the many quotes I found myself nodding my head in agreement. Girls are the most self-conscious beings in the world. Many of us constantly look and compare ourselves to other girls.
It is no secret us girls have many insecurities. My nose is too big. My thighs are too fat. My skin is so terrible. There is always something we do not like about ourselves. This is quite true for everyone as a matter of fact. No surprise in that. What does strike me though, is how something as simple or trivial as fitting in means so much to us in our adolescent years. It may be true that this desire may dim down over the years, but in middle school to high school, it is the hot topic. Wiseman does a great job interweaving and expressing the teenage angst in this. Throughout the book she lays out quotes from real girls and boys that have taken in her Empower classes. “’I should be what other people want me to be. I should act how they want me to act or else I won’t have any friends. Jane, 18’” (127). As a side note, Empower classes are essentially where Wiseman discusses the topics she has in this book to girls and boys ranging from middle to high school.
With all this talk about teenage girls and their antics, Wiseman does a good job of not forgetting the parents in this situation. At the end of every chapter the author outlines a What Can You Do section where she gives advice to parents on how to react, handle, and deal with the situation or issue their daughter has. This was quite an effective way to include the parents. It makes readers know that girls do not have to deal with the things they are dealing with by themselves; they will always have someone to talk to no matter what.
All in all Wiseman does a fantastic job explaining the issue of fitting in which is the predominate theme she outlines throughout the book. The tactics she uses were effective in the sense that it was organized, it provided real world examples, and it made sure to include everyone. While this was a nonfiction story, it was still interesting to read. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in making sense of the complicated world of adolescence.
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Nov 24, 2010 Claire Greene rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book is a must read if you have children. Not even just a girl, but any children. This book gives an enormous amount of insight into girls and, for that matter, women. Even if you have a boy, he will either date girls or be friends with them or both, so reading this book will still prove invaluable!

The book itself is written well - very personable with a balance between informative information (facts, science, studies), personal anecdotes of both teens and moms, quotes from teen girls and a...more This book is a must read if you have children. Not even just a girl, but any children. This book gives an enormous amount of insight into girls and, for that matter, women. Even if you have a boy, he will either date girls or be friends with them or both, so reading this book will still prove invaluable!

The book itself is written well - very personable with a balance between informative information (facts, science, studies), personal anecdotes of both teens and moms, quotes from teen girls and a good amount humor. The resources section in the back alone is worth the price of the book (in my opinion). But beyond that, she has a great way of putting it all together to create an enjoyable and informative book.

I'll admit that the book also did a lot of eye opening for me with regard to my own high school experiences and friends. I was NOT a queen bee but it was very interesting to realize what "type" I was, why certain circumstances were the way they were or played out the way they did (ie. queen bees being jealous and asserting their dominance, which I now realize had nothing to do with me, etc.) and TONS of suggestions on how to understand and deal with your teen daughter in a way that will honestly help while not being overly permissive. That fact is one I really appreciated - I often read things that seem to suggest being friends and allowing almost anything, which isn't something I don't agree with and can't stand. The author gives many realistic suggestions (not always what you want to hear, but based in reality!) and supports them with quotes from teen girls, specific examples, and describes in detail why they would be effective.

There were a few times I thought it got a bit dry and I have been trying to get through and finish the book FOREVER, but I think it had more to do with the hectic nature of my life lately than any reflection on the author or her abilities. But I mention it because if you are not able to really read the book and give it the attention it deserves, I'd recommend setting it on the to-read shelf until you do have the time. If that will never happen on its own, then try to make the time because this book is invaluable. I know I'll be reading it again before my daughter becomes a teen and when she does, I plan on having this as a reference book and always handy, because I'll need it!!(less)

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Mar 23, 2010 Esmeralda rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: education, feminism, health, interpersonal, parenting

Wiseman founded the Empower Program to present information and provokes healthy dialogue about the emotional experience of teenagers. Much of the information in this book is based on teenage girl’s testimony and statistical research on the lives of teens.

The author states at about 5th grade girls start to create friendships that personally define themselves outside of the family unit. This opens the floodgates of vulnerability, experimentation, and having to get along with your sometimes viciou...more

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Jun 14, 2011 Willa added it · review of another edition

Shelves: 52-books-in-2011

It was interesting to hear the perspective of a counselor who works with real girls from real schools all over the US. The book is about how girls relate to each other in the school scene and how it affects their lives and behavior. There are lots of stories about real girls, and even letters written to the author by girls of different ages, or written accounts of experiences and perspective.

It was especially interesting to hear about the different roles that girls in a group take --- Queen Bee,...more It was interesting to hear the perspective of a counselor who works with real girls from real schools all over the US. The book is about how girls relate to each other in the school scene and how it affects their lives and behavior. There are lots of stories about real girls, and even letters written to the author by girls of different ages, or written accounts of experiences and perspective.

It was especially interesting to hear about the different roles that girls in a group take --- Queen Bee, Sidekick, Banker (someone who is a repository for information and finds a niche in the group by being an indispensable resource for gossip), Messenger (something like a banker, but lower in status and communicates from one group to another). Then there are wannabes, torn bystanders (who don't like cruelty but are reluctant to intervene and bring group condemnation on themselves) and targets, who get persecuted by the group. Finally, there are Champions, though this category is not described in much detail. It means that the individual is willing to be true to herself and fair to others around her, and speak up for those who are unfairly treated. This is the standard, of course, but it strikes me as slightly unrealistic. I wonder how many girls are capable of, or should be expected to, deal with the level of pressure described and still come out as Champions rather than Targets.

I can see some truth in the divisions but it seems to assume that there is no way out of the clique world and that everyone in school is defined in relation to the group. I do see from my own experience that the groups seem to want to identify everyone that way -- but that's exactly the reason why I think the situation should be looked at from a somewhat wider perspective. There is some acknowledgement of this in the fact that there are different cliques or groups. But she uses the language of "top", "middle" and "bottom" which is again language used by those who want to put everyone into categories -- the very tendency that is a problem in the Girl World.

I suppose that I can see why the author approaches it this way. She is describing how the Girl World works and trying to give girls ways to maneuver through it and still keep self-respect. However, you end up feeling that the roles of Queen Bee, Messenger etc are inherently dysfunctional, so any solution will be somewhat in the nature of a bandaid.

The book, though interesting, was somewhat discouraging to me because within the descriptions given, there seems hardly any way for a girl to survive with integrity and without emotional wounds. The main method used to deal with injustice --- say, a web site devoted to humiliating you and destroying your reputation -- is a tactic called SEAL where the victim is supposed to state the problem to the perpetrator, tell how it affects here, and what she wants the perpetrator to do to stop. It seems like the value of this procedure would be to keep from internalizing the injustice, and to bring the problem out into the open. But at the same time, it didn't sound like much of a defense against the kind of openly mean and vicious behavior often described.

So I was left feeling discouraged -- like reading an analysis of Lord of the Flies where girl versions of Simon and Ralph and Piggy are told how to stand up to Jack and Roger. In one way the book seemed like a realistic description of what is going on in the Girl World but in another way it seemed to confirm the claustrophobic and unsupervised setting that is the very advantage that the Queen Bees and their sidekicks will continue to have over those who don't want to or can't fit into their scene.

So I found the book a convincing diagram of some of the things that can go on in school but not altogether a realistic road map out of there or survival kit for preserving psychic safety and well being. I wouldn't blame the author, because she is working on the front lines as a medic, not a general, but I couldn't help being negatively affected by the differences in power -- how much a mean girl can do to destroy another girl and how little the adults and other girls can really do to stop the evil. As a homeschooler, I came away with the feeling that whatever the challenges involved in homeschooling, it would have its rewards just in keeping a girl out of the raw and emotionally violent settings described. (less)

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Jun 27, 2012 Sara (LitHacker.com) rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Queen Bees & Wannabees: How to Help your Daughter Survive Cliques...etc etc etc... (title is long, you get the idea) is a non-fiction guide to parents about the dramas of high school female life. This book was the inspiration for the glorious Tina Fey to write and act in the movie “Mean Girls”. By now the concepts of the mean girl or queen bee and cliquishness are beyond cliche, but the first version of this guide was written over 10 years ago as the author’s attempt to describe and codify w...more

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Dec 11, 2008 Amy rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is a guide for mothers to help understand their teenage daughters and all of the weird clicquey things that happen. I wasn't the target audience and I found the book rather dull. I rarely say this, but the movie was better. Go see "Mean Girls" instead.

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Feb 06, 2010 Corby rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really wasn't all that surprised by this book, at least not by the "revelations" of the late-teen issues of chapters 8-9. It really doesn't appear to be all that different from when I was coming up 25 years ago, unless my experiences were precocious. Maybe they were, but somehow I think there's still a spectrum of social life out there, just as there was back in the day. That said, I'm still not all that sure that I'm ready to deal with these things as a parent of a daughter, even as in-the-kn...more

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Apr 14, 2013 Rachel rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: clueless parents

Ugh, I really, really didn't like this book. I do not parent my kids in this way nor do I think that there is anything redeeming about the application of this book. I should have know by reading the back of this book that I would hate it. I really, really wanted to like this book. I hoped to find helpful and useful tools to use and gain insight into these years. The "landmines" were ridiculous and insulting to read. The book suggests that we, parents, are completely stupid and not attuned to our...more Ugh, I really, really didn't like this book. I do not parent my kids in this way nor do I think that there is anything redeeming about the application of this book. I should have know by reading the back of this book that I would hate it. I really, really wanted to like this book. I hoped to find helpful and useful tools to use and gain insight into these years. The "landmines" were ridiculous and insulting to read. The book suggests that we, parents, are completely stupid and not attuned to our kids in the least.

While I don't doubt that this author is passionate in the work that she does, I do doubt her authority in the field. According to her bio on her website, she has no education or formal training in the area of adolescents or psychology or teaching or anything vaguely related to this book. She did receive her undergraduate in Political Science in 1991. Oh, unless you want to count her second degree black belt in Tang Soo Do karate. Yes, I'm serious, it's listed in her bio.

Overly simplistic, gross generalization, and opinions presented as fact are a few of the themes throughout the book. The book has little to no research to back up the findings of the author.

This book just further perpetuates the stereotypes into which our society pigeon holes our youth.

Furthermore, as a Christian mom, trying to raise a godly young woman, this book is completely devoid of any moral, ethical or character matters. "And although you might want not to admit it, she can even have a sexually healthy and responsible relationship with that boyfriend" Page 259. "Research over decades suggests that sexual behavior, identity and orientation exist on a spectrum where a minority of people are exclusively homosexual or exclusively heterosexual. Everyone else fits somewhere in the middle" page 221. WHAT research?!? "Seeing sexual identity and gender as fluid, changing and existing in a spectrum of possibilities challenges the fundamental tenets of our society and culture" pg 222.

Great for clueless parents. (less)

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Mar 19, 2013 Ellen rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

TEEN GIRL INTERPRETATION HERE lol
Ok, I read this after watching the film MEAN GIRLS and being AMAZED by how accurate it was. I watched the extras and Rosalind Wiseman popped up.. and I realised that the reason the film was so accurate was because it was based on a book by someone with experience!
I read it and it really did open my eyes to how Girl World works, and I apply that knowledge to everyday life and my dealings with people. I think one of the best things about it is you read about your l...more

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Jul 08, 2012 Lauren Acton rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really enjoyed reading this book. I don't have a teenage daughter, so I'm not the intended audience for this book, but it was so interesting to remember my own interactions with Girl World as an adolescent. It also made me want to re-watch Mean Girls. I've talked about this book a lot with my friends - especially ones that I went to elementary and high school with. A lot of things from it have been sticking in my mind because I think it so clearly explains the motivations of teen girls. Most o...more

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Apr 25, 2010 Kristin rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Whether you were the leader of the clique, the token messenger for the queen or left out completely, high school ends eventually and, most likely, you continue to outgrow those labels placed upon you during those difficult years. Then, you become a parent, a job of delivering all of your knowledge to your little one with the hopes of avoiding the same pitfalls you experienced growing up. However, the years dull the memories and we tend to forget how difficult adolescence was or block it out of o...more

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Feb 22, 2008 Shiralea Woodhouse rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: books-i-own

This book is SO interesting and insightful about pre-teen and teen girls' social worlds. I actually bought it in hardcover so I could refer back to it when I start dealing with girl-problems with my own daughters! I think anyone interested in understanding this group (including the boys this age) better would find this book helpful!

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May 05, 2013 Christie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I thought for sure I had read this book a few years ago, but I didn't have a rating/review here so maybe it was before my GR days.

I read the second edition, updated 8 years after the original to include information about technology in girls' lives. The whole thing felt new to me so it may have been a major rewrite (or maybe my memory is just terrible). It was very interesting--and overwhelming. Suddenly I want to have all boys instead of any girls, because parenting girls sounds impossible. I ca...more

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Aug 28, 2011 Melody rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

To be upfront I picked this up b/c I thought it was fiction based on the movie, not a how-to book for the daughter I do not have. So I only read the first half that was pretty interesting on the break down of the cliques. For the most part it was right on from what I remember of clicks in school & brought back a lot of crazy memories associated with said clicks. Some of the info on how to talk to your daughter seemed like it would be helpful (from the perspective of remembering what I would...more

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Aug 22, 2012 Jenn rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: own

I appreciate this book. My daughter is 8. From what I can tell, she seems to not have encountered any real mean girls yet. Also, from what I can tell, she doesn't really seem to fit any of the labels given in this book yet either. She seems to be outside all that mess right now. I'm glad, but I know it's probably coming. All I can do is try to help her make good decisions. I think this book did a pretty good job of laying out the major issues and how to effectively deal with them when the time c...more

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About Rosalind Wiseman

Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

Wiseman is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. Twice a New York Times Bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Her follow‐u...more Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

Wiseman is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. Twice a New York Times Bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. Her follow‐up book Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads was released in 2006, and she is a monthly columnist for Family Circle magazine.

Since founding the Empower Program, a national violence‐prevention program, in 1992, Wiseman has gone on to work with tens of thousands of students, educators, parents, counselors, coaches, and administrators to create communities based on the belief that each person has a responsibility to treat themselves and others with dignity. Audiences have included the American School Counselors Association, Capital One, National Education Association, Girl Scouts, Neutrogena, Young Presidents Association, Independent School Associations and the International Chiefs of Police, as well as countless schools throughout the U.S. and abroad.

She is a frequent guest on the Today Show and been profiled in The New York Times, People, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, USA Today, Oprah, Nightline, CNN, Good Morning America, and National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country.
In 2009, Rosalind Wiseman has three publications scheduled for release:

* Her groundbreaking book Queen Bees & Wannabes will be updated with a chapter on younger girls, insights on how technology has impacted kids’ social landscapes, and new commentary from girls and boys;
* The Owning Up Curriculum, a comprehensive social justice program for grades 6‐12, will reflect an ever‐changing adolescent culture, and incorporate new strategies for using media to engage students;
* And a new young adult novel will mark Wiseman’s first foray into fiction. The book follows its 14 year‐old heroine, Charlotte Healey, as she navigates the personal and social challenges of her freshman year of high school.

Wiseman has a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Occidental College. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons.(less)

More about Rosalind Wiseman...

Books by Rosalind Wiseman

Boys, Girls and Other Hazardous Materials

Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Make--or Break--Your Child's Future

Defending Ourselves: A Guide to Prevention, Self-Defense, and Recovery from Rape

Owning Up Curriculum: Empowering Adolescents To Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying, And Injustice (Book And Cd Rom)

The Guide: Managing Douchebags, Recruiting Wingmen, and Attracting Who You Want

More…

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