The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

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The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

4.16 of 5 stars 4.16 · rating details · 63,689 ratings · 4,048 reviews

The secret to love that lasts! �How do we meet each other’s deep emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated.” —Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Gary Chapman’s international bestseller has brought back or intensified the love in millions of marriages by revealing t...more

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Published September 1st 2010 by Oasis Audio (first published October 1st 1992)

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Mar 26, 2013 Malbadeen rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: the relationaly obtuse.

Shelves: nonfiction, read-on-the-way-to-divorce

This book is based on the premise that everyone has a "love language". Things others say or do that make one feel "loved",they are follows:

-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.

Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (q...more

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Dec 29, 2010 Eleanor rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The main idea behind this book is that just as people have unique personality preferences, we all have unique preferences for what we find satisfying and motivating when it comes to love. Speaking your partner's language takes A LOT of emotional intelligence, and a girlfriend suggested a great book that has helped me with it, Emotional Intelligence 2.0.

In a nutshell, your love language is the way that you most feel loved and cared for. The relationship expert behind the book arranges the book i...more

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Oct 29, 2007 Msmeemee rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: suckers

Shelves: psychology

this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending...more this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.

but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.

the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.

his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.

to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.

i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.(less)

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Feb 22, 2013 Brittany rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: could-not-finish, non-fiction, absolute-crap, read-in-2013

I think the basis for this self-help book is good. I totally get the "love languages" thing. My husband's "love language" is Physical Affection and mine is Quality Time. I totally see that. But this is like a "Love Language For Dummies." It talks to you like you're an idiot who has never had basic human social interaction before. And there isn't really any advice, just this guy rambling on about how smart he is for figuring out that people need to be loved in different ways. Like, his advice for...more

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May 31, 2011 Catherine rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was recommended to my friend by her pastor to read before she got married. My assumption was that it would be religious in tone and not very relevant to today's relationships.
I'm so glad I was wrong! This is one of those books I would suggest everyone read. It is such a simple explanation of what can so often go wrong in relationships. It's not about men vs. women, it's about the way people receive love.
The basis is there are 5 Love Languages (obviously). And if you speak a different...more

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May 13, 2012 Ashley rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: life-changing

I loved this book! Before reading I had considered the premise to be very basic, common-sense knowledge and didn't think the book would tell me anything I couldn't have figured out on my own. Five love languages, not everyone speaks the same love language....ok, well as long as you know what they are, shouldn't have to read the book, right? Wrong. Gary Chapman's years of marriage counseling have brought him invaluable insights that EVERYONE should be privy to. I'm not just talking married couple...more

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Jan 18, 2012 Heather rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: audio-book, self-help, 2012

Audio Book Review: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Once you get past the fact that Dr. Chapman sounds a lot like Dr. Phil, and mixes in a fair amount of religious talk at the beginning and end of this book, The Five Love Languages is actually a really interesting way of looking at our relationships with others (both romantic and non-romantic). In the book, Dr. Chapman reveals that people express and receive love in different ways. Because of this, even in some of the most loving relations...more Audio Book Review: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Once you get past the fact that Dr. Chapman sounds a lot like Dr. Phil, and mixes in a fair amount of religious talk at the beginning and end of this book, The Five Love Languages is actually a really interesting way of looking at our relationships with others (both romantic and non-romantic). In the book, Dr. Chapman reveals that people express and receive love in different ways. Because of this, even in some of the most loving relationships, one or both parties may not feel loved because the way the love is expressed isn’t necessarily in a “language” the other is receptive to. In other words, we feel most love when the other person is expressing their love in a way that is important to us.

There are 5 main love languages: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time.

Physical Touch means that a person feels loved through hugs, pats on the back, hand-holding, back massages, hair stroking, and other thoughtful touches. An affinity for physical touch isn’t synonymous with wanting to get it on all the time. Sure, that can be part of it, but just being near someone can be enough to show them they are loved. Thus, when a loved one never initiates any sort of touching, someone who values physical touch may feel unfulfilled.

Words of Affirmation focuses on encouraging words. People with this love language feel loved when others complement them, verbally express their love, and give them meaningful praise. These people are thus very sensitive to criticism and insults.

Acts of Service is all about expressing love by helping others. These people feel loved when others offer their unsolicited assistance and do things to make their partner’s life a little bit easier. So, being lazy and not offering to help with chores around the house sends the message that you simply don’t care.

Receiving Gifts is not the same as materialism. Rather, people with this love language love the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. The type of gift doesn’t matter. Bringing home a person’s favorite candy after work or making something heartfelt is just as appreciated as something expensive – especially when finances are an issue. Every-day, simple gestures really communicate to these people that others love them.

Quality Time is the final love language. These people yearn for the undivided attention of those around them. That means no TV, no cell phones, no computers – just enjoying each other’s company and the chance to talk without interruption. Doing new things together or having a date night with a loved one are more meaningful than anything else.

This book was really enlightening; I understand now where the miscommunications in some of my relationships have stemmed from. Throughout the book Dr. Chapman shares many stories about how doing a six month experiment in trying to speak your partner’s love language has saved hundreds of marriages and led to more fulfilling relationships with all types of people – parents, children, friends, etc. (Chapman also has written books for the love languages of the office, children, and teenagers). Sure, at first it may take extra effort to communicate your love in a way that doesn’t come naturally to you, but he promises the payoff will be worth it, and all things considered, what do we really have to lose by trying it out? I highly recommend anyone to check out this book (he also writes a book geared towards guys for those reluctant male readers). You can probably skim through the first couple of chapters though, and get to the good stuff when he actually starts talking about what the love languages are.

Final Rating: 4/5 stars
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Feb 24, 2008 Jennie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing...more

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Apr 21, 2013 Samuel rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book in 2 days; it is a quick read that incorporates stories to illustrate human nature when it comes to expressing love--especially in marriage. It is brilliant not for its originality of ideas but rather in its categorization and clarity of ideas. In the words of John Lennon, "All you need is love." Love is the most important thing, and yet, many people have a truly hard time feeling loved and successfully expressing love to those who matter most to them. Why is this? Dr. Chapman t...more

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Feb 21, 2011 Jeannie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, marriage, non-fiction, own, personal-growth, male-authors

Rating: a little over 4 stars.

This book was good. The concepts are important. I got the singles edition as well so I could actually apply these ideas to my current life. The book got a little tedious, though. I felt the first 9 chapters were all that were needed. These chapters encompassed an overview of how Chapman came to the 5-language conclusion, a discussion of each of the five languages, and a "how to determine your love language." I felt the remaining chapters served very little purpose o...more Rating: a little over 4 stars.

This book was good. The concepts are important. I got the singles edition as well so I could actually apply these ideas to my current life. The book got a little tedious, though. I felt the first 9 chapters were all that were needed. These chapters encompassed an overview of how Chapman came to the 5-language conclusion, a discussion of each of the five languages, and a "how to determine your love language." I felt the remaining chapters served very little purpose other than to make the book a little longer. In a few weeks, I will likely skim and maybe read the Singles Edition.

One issue I had with this book was one Chapman didn't address at the extent I thought he should have. Because different people speak different love languages, a certain expression of love that might not be your primary language can mean more coming from a person for whom that expression is difficult than if that person acted within your primary love language. This might seem like an inconsequential issue, but, if I know that it is hard for someone to express him/herself through physical touch (he or she isn't a huggy person), I will recognize how much he or she must care about me if he or she gives me a warm hug. Now, I test low for physical touch being my love language; however, knowing another person's disposition would make that hug mean a lot more to me ("fill my love tank") than if a huggy person embraced me, or potentially even if that person had spoken my language.

I suppose my point is, while it is important for people to learn to express love for others in ways that speak to them in their own language, I didn't feel Chapman addressed the fact love is coming from another person and knowing what is more difficult for that person should mean a lot. Perhaps that wasn't addressed so much in this book, though, since it was written for married couples. I still feel that someone would value my hugs more than the gifts I give because those hugs are rarer than the gifts. (less)

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Nov 29, 2007 Lachelle rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Anyone in a relationship

My dad actually recommended this book to me and I finally decided to check it out from the library. Although I think my husband and I have a good relationship - it was amazing how much I learned from this book! And how I realized that by understand how we communicate differently - it could strengthen our relationship. I would recommend this book to just about anyone! A lot of it seems common sense but it's a good reminder and an eye-opener to read it.

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Aug 28, 2012 Samantha rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I highly recommend this book for ANY couple. Married, engaged, dating, gay, straight. It matters not. I even recommend it if you're single. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce, even separated, but after some counseling and reading this book it has helped us out tremendously! I bought a copy for my mom, sisters, and brother because I think it is that important to read his book and understand your significant others love language.

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Jun 13, 2012 David Reber rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, marriage, relationships

Love is a many splendored thing and it is also a full-time job. Actually, it is my primary full-time job and everything else I do are just side jobs. Along with the two Eldredge books (Wild and Captivating) this is the third book TheRedHead and I have listened to on audio in as many weeks. We have had some good couple time in the car going to Kentucky and then Alabama and these books were great for us to consume and then discuss.

I read this book six years ago and listening to it again was a good...more

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Aug 20, 2010 Laura rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was really helpful in discovering how we express love and how we feel loved. Chapman describes the five love languages that people use to express love: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Although all of these ways of expressing love are important, he explains that we each tend to respond to one more than the others. For example, if my love language is quality time, then my partner could give me all the gifts in the word, and I still wouldn't...more

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Apr 15, 2011 Very rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: i-have-a-theory, 2011, borrowed

This book looks cheesy as fuck from the outside, but it's full of practical, down-to-earth wisdom. If you are married (or thinking about getting married), divorced (or thinking about getting divorced), read this book.

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Sep 29, 2012 Tina rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Must read! I am not normally into "self help" type books, but this is different. You will be amazed what you learn about your loved ones and yourself. If only I had read this years ago...

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Sep 24, 2012 Shannon rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I think everyone should read this. Understanding our own love language and those around you helps in any relationship. I have read a couple of times.

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Jan 25, 2009 Joe Wisniewski rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Everyone has "the" relationship book. This book will NOT automatically solve all relationship problems. People have to want to work on things; have to want to communicate needs and expectations. Having said that, I have not seen a better way to tie in to your significant other's point of view, then trying to understand how THEY need to have love expressed. But even more importantly, maybe, is looking at ourselves and seeing how we automatically expect others to "get" love the way that we need to...more

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Jan 27, 2009 cheri rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: encouragement, spirtual-enlightenment, raising-children

You can read any one of the Five Love Languages and get the just of the books. It teaches you how to identify your love language and those around you. What the author states is that everyone has a major love language (love cup to be filled) as well as a minor love language. You really begin to understand why some people, including yourself, will do certain things. For example, my youngest son's love language is service. He brings me a cup of water to bed because he knows I drink water thru out t...more

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Sep 11, 2011 Gaijinmama rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: anyone ianyone interested in understanding their spouse better

Recommended to Gaijinmama by: a friend whose opinion I trust

Shelves: self-help, nonfiction

The premise of this best-selling book is quite simple, but many of us haven't tried looking at our marriages this way. In short, people have their own, often unconscious way of expressing love and rarely do two spouses have the same "Love Language." This can cause trouble in a marriage because we may simply not understand the way in which our partner is expressing his or her love, even if s/he is trying really hard to express it and has NO idea we aren't getting it. In turn, s/he may not feel lo...more The premise of this best-selling book is quite simple, but many of us haven't tried looking at our marriages this way. In short, people have their own, often unconscious way of expressing love and rarely do two spouses have the same "Love Language." This can cause trouble in a marriage because we may simply not understand the way in which our partner is expressing his or her love, even if s/he is trying really hard to express it and has NO idea we aren't getting it. In turn, s/he may not feel loved if we are "speaking a different language." Thus, we could be struggling for years and completely be misreading each other.
To my surprise, my husband was actually willing to take the quiz at the end of the book with me, and we have had a FABULOUS few days so far. Just knowing which Love Language is most important to each other can make us happier, and an awful lot less frustrated.
Let's see if he keeps this up (nudge-nudge, wink-wink!).

A couple things that annoyed me: the author is a devout Christian and mentions his beliefs a little more often than I would prefer. And he is more than a trifle sexist. He's convinced that women mainly have sex for emotional reasons whereas men have a stronger physical need. In a word: bullshit. On the men's version of the quiz there is a question about "loving to have sex with my wife", but on the women's version, the wording is changed to "I love cuddling with my husband".
BAH HUMBUG to that! Dr. Chapman, sir, it is the 21st Century. Do you truly think that most women have that hard of a time admitting that they enjoy having sex?!
Poppycock and balderdash and Honey, puh-leeze! Dr. Chapman, I really do feel you, and I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you got my husband's attention, but you just lost yourself a 5-star rating for going on and on about the Gospel of Luke and for being stuck in the Victorian era in terms of gender differences.

In spite of that, I found the book readable, useful and, if my husband's behavior is any indication, very helpful.

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Jul 31, 2011 Matthew Moes rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel eve...more The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.

Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.

In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.

And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?

I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.

MM March 1, 2005(less)

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Mar 18, 2008 Lindsay rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I had heard a lot about this book & decided to give it a go. It made A LOT of sense! It is all about improving your relationship with your spouse by showing your love to them in a way that resonates with them - which may be totally different than what would be meaningful to you. It was a very fast read, very easy to "get," and I have found it very insightful not only in expressing myself, but also in recognizing when my Jon Jon is being sweet to me. Sometimes it can be hard to tell. Am I rig...more

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Jul 24, 2008 Jason DeGroot rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Recommended to Jason by: Julie

Shelves: figuring-out-my-shit, 2008

A coworker lent this to me (my coworkers are pretty aware I need all the relationship help I can get). I'd actually heard about the theories behind this one a couple years ago from a woman I was dating, though at the time it was more of a lecture. . .I digress. . .

Anyway, this was another really helpful book looking at the different ways men and women like to receive love, and it again explained a lot both in regards to past relationships as well as about myself. It was really interesting readin...more

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Apr 19, 2008 Asia Snow rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: no one unless you use it ONLY to learn ways to express love

Recommended to Asia by: My mother-in-law

This is an entertaining, well-written book from the perspective of a therapist who shares interesting stories about his patients and thier love problems and solutions.

This book has potential to help people better understand those they love and to show love to them in ways they can feel/understand (I'll suggest a much better book below that does this).

However, I worry that this book would do more harm than good since in it it says that a man's love language may be sex. How twisted is that??? And...more

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view all 8 comments

David Dear Asia

My apologies if I mentioned topics that are too personal. I certainly dont intend that. I was trying to be open about how most men are. Most...more Dear Asia

My apologies if I mentioned topics that are too personal. I certainly dont intend that. I was trying to be open about how most men are. Most of us wont admit it, but we are like that. My aim was to demonstrate that men are sexual creatures that are very different to women, and that for us, one of the forms of love is sexual.

As for my particular situtaion, that is not really relevant to anyone other than my own marriage. It was just an example. I have long realised that most women believe men should "restrain themselves" from self-pleasure, and especially from the use of external aids (Visual or otherwise). However, may I ask a question: How long should a man be required to go without close physical contact with his spouse before he is allowed to use other means to resolve his frustrations? For me - one time it was well over a year before my spouse permitted me to get close to her again. Yet in that time we had no serious arguments, no serious issues, no falling outs (a few minor things of course) and she always said she loved me, she just said she "didnt feel like it".

So how long does a man wait? Remember that without that close contact (or self resolution if no spousal contact is forthcoming) a man becomes increasingly frustrated, angry, tense, convinced his wife does not love him, and is therefore tempted externally (possibly to other women). One path that can resolve this (but not my preferred one) is to resolve the situation yourself on a regular basis so you are not frustrated, angry etc etc. Personally I would ALWAYS rather be "close" to my wife, but that can be very very long periods of nothingness, so what substitutes do we have. Cold showers only last so long!!

Back to the main topic - ask your husband - is sex for him a language of love? Does he express his love for you through having gfood sex with you. I bet he says YES! ..... and means it!

Does any of this help? I suggest you talk to him, ask for his open honest views. Tell him you will NOT criticise or hold against him anything he says. He is only talking about things, not doing. SO he should be free to say his honest thoughts- and then you trust him not to act on those thoughts if they are not in accordance with your credo.

For example, at times I have travelled a lot for work (but not now). I would always talk to my wife whenever I was tempted to stray (this is not frequent - but just sometimes over the years the temptation was there). If the pressure got too bad and I could not clear the thoughts from my mind, I would call her and tell her what I was thinking and why (usually just extreme frustration). While her response was normally - "You're always like that", inside me it felt better to be honest and open, and I found it easier to then cope with the feelings. I would then also reassure her when I got home that absolutely nothing happened, and it was the conversation with her that reestablished my equilibrium. Of course this was exascerbated by the long drought of infrequent close contact between us that has run for many years.

Make no mistake - I love her greatly. I am discussing differences between us that may be relevant. Talk to your husband, give him the freedom of honesty. Then remember that he has chosen to be with you for these years, and no-one else. That, my friend, is love!

Regards
David

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Sep 18, 2008 07:46am

Asia Snow Dear David,

Oh, your comments have been great! Thank you for your insight and open honesty. As far as how long a man must wait, I think we just have d...more Dear David,

Oh, your comments have been great! Thank you for your insight and open honesty. As far as how long a man must wait, I think we just have different beliefs. I won’t condemn you for not sharing my beliefs but my religious beliefs include that God doesn’t want us to use masturbation or pornography. And the men in my religion believe this as well. Granted, many of them slip up, but it is their desire to never use these means.

To speak in generalities (I don’t want to offend anyone), I think it is VERY WRONG for a wife to withhold sex from her husband. I also think that although a man should still not have an affair, if his wife is withholding sex it, he would be more vulnerable to turn to someone else. I can’t imagine why a wife would be so cruel as to withhold sex from her husband. I do understand somewhat how terrible and uncomfortable it is for a man (but on the other hand—they still should be in control of their own bodies and shouldn’t turn to porn, self-gratification, immoral thoughts or an affair).

I like your idea about asking my husband about his feeling about sex. I can’t believe how critical us women can be of our men. I can’t believe how quick we are to not validate their feelings and instead be quick to judge and change them (The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a good book to read to help women with this although I don’t agree with everything completely she says). I’ve been working A TON on this. One thing that has helped me a lot is to recognize that I’m not responsible for his feelings or actions (meaning he can have totally different or even seemingly wrong thoughts/actions and that’s okay- I’m not responsible to change them and I don’t look bad for them and I won’t be held accountable for them). Instead I’m only responsible TO my husband. Responsible to love him, listen to him, share my life with him.

I do think sex should be all about love. I love my husband therefore I want to relieve him of the built up sexual pressure he feels (by the way, he doesn’t look at porn or masturbate at all!). I often don’t feel like it but by getting into it anyway (trying to make it a pleasurable experience for him) and focusing my mind on all the love I have for him and having fun with it, I actually really like it almost every single time. It’s all in the frame of mind. I choose to make it a good experience. I feel closer to him afterwards.

I can’t wait to ask my husband in what way it is about love for him. I’ll let you know what he says.

I can tell you love your wife so much. Good job being open and honest with her. I’m impressed with how you involved her with your weaknesses and made yourself accountable to her rather than trying to be strong on your own. That’s impressive. I’m also impressed that you aren’t more mad at her for withholding but maybe I shouldn’t say that. Maybe some girlfriend of hers could suggest to her to read that Dr. Laura book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Does she like Dr. Laura? Her programming can be found on the AM radio daily. It’s interesting. It just sounds like your wife has an unrealistic expectation about sex (that she should only have it when she feels like it). I think media has been a culprit for painting a skewed picture of what sex should be about. Well anyway, thanks again.

Love, Asia Snow(less)
Sep 22, 2008 05:23pm

Sep 20, 2012 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book. Imcouldnt put it down! Read it in one afternoon. I have grown to be a cynic when it came to love. I thought love was a fairy tale. I heard the first few lines and thought God, I know how that guy feels. I can't count the number of times I've man bashed and love bashed thinking that movie producers,create love in movies to make us feel worse about our lives. But the more I read the less,cynical I felt and the more I recognized pieces of the book clicking into place. I saw my fr...more

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Feb 28, 2008 Tuesdi rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

We were given this book as a wedding gift but I didn't get around to reading it for almost 9 years. And when I finished it, I wished I hadn't waited so long.
This is another book that can help you identify more effective ways of relating to loved ones. It gives suggestions for using it's tips and lays out how to change the way that you deal with other people.
So often we show love and are angry or at a loss as to why it isn't appreciated or accepted. The jist of this book is that you have to sho...more

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Jan 08, 2009 Meghan rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really love this book! I had to read it as part of a Marriage and Relationships class that I took in college, am I'm so glad! I think it does such great job explaining the different "love languages" that we all communicate with. It helped me view my own relationships in a new way. Truly enlightening!

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Dec 18, 2008 Carolanne rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

Interesting concept, but I don't like how he writes. Very simple and repetitive. But I feel like I did learn something. I liked what I learned, but I wish I didn't have to read this book to have learned it.
Whats my love language, you all ask? I don't know. So maybe I didn't learn that much. :)

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Oct 08, 2012 Jess rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

My mom got this book for me for our wedding, and I won't lie...it sat around for quite some time before I could put down my paranormal romance books and see what it was all about. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. It gave me a lot of insight about the inner workings of a relationship and that love, a feeling, is also a choice! Luckily I am one, who has a full tank...so it took me some time to decode what my love language truly is, but I'm glad for it! AND my husband even said he'd read...more

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Jan 10, 2012 Megan LaFollett rated it 5 of 5 stars

One of the most practically useful relationship books I have read. I think his explanation of the difference between being "in love " vs choosing TO love is spot on and deserves a lot of thought. Reading this book has encouraged me to deeply consider how I have shown my love to family and friends, and I realize I have not spoken the right love language to many of them. I am grateful to discover this so I can make sure to show them love more effectively in the future! And as a parent, I will be r...more

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About Gary Chapman

Gary Chapman has traveled extensively around the world challenging couples to pursue healthy, growing marriages. His first book, Toward a Growing Marriage (Moody, 1979, 1996), began as an informal resource he gave to couples with whom he was counseling. Once officially published, this book became a blessing to thousands of people and helped launch Gary’s popular “Toward a Growing Marriage” seminar...more

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