Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child
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Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

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4.12 of 5 stars 4.12  ·  rating details  ·  1,440 ratings  ·  225 reviews
Intelligence That Comes from the Heart

Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and rese...more
ebook, 240 pages
Published September 20th 2011 by Simon & Schuster (first published 1997)
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Gail
John Gottman should feel sad for two reasons: (1) he buries astute analysis and fabulously practical advice (of which he is rightfully proud) inside a tomb of, frankly, boring writing and poor organization, and (2) he writes for a cripplingly heterogeneous audience. For a mother who already embraces her own emotions and honors them in her children, reading “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” feels like a socialite perusing a manual of polite social interaction written for the autistic. I...more
Elise
Every parent should read this book. Parents of toddlers, parents of teenagers. There are so many things in this book that can help parents build trusting, communicative relationships with their children, and establish methods to help a child become "emotionally intelligent." The beginning of the book talks about how the emotional intelligence of a child is a far greater predictor of success (school performance, education, career opportunities, better peer relationships) in life than a child's me...more
Lance Agena
There are many parenting books out there that are as controversial as they are popular. You use what you find helpful and ignore what doesn't fit in with your own personal parenting philosophy. I found most of Goleman's techniques in this book to be insightful and invaluable.

Too often, we may find ourselves giving in to venting our anger or frustration at our children for our own emotional benefit, forgetting that they are not adept at reading their own feelings much less yours. It is too easy...more
Natali
You can sum up the five main points in this book in just one chapter but I did appreciate the supporting chapters. There is a lot of really good scientific research in this book, which I always appreciate. I recently ditched a parenting book because its main supporting text was the bible. :|

This author is a psychotherapist who emphasizes empathy as the main way to relate to children. He talks about how damaging it can be to minimize their stress and the lasting effects of doing so, which can tea...more
Natalie
yes, i read parenting books. i'm a nanny and an overachiever. this one is excellent. even if you never hang out with kids, i think that at a certain age, we all realize that we need to be a good parent to ourselves - creating nurturing and discipline in our daily lives. so this book gave me tools to understand the underlying philosophy of my own parents, the way its affected my own style, and tools for changing it. Plus, it has helped immensely with taking care of a two and four year old.
Shae
This book started off with the premise that parenting is so important YOU MIGHT MESS UP YOUR KIDS IF YOU DO IT WRONG which dropped it to a three star book right away. Other than that I did pick it up and put it down over the course of six weeks, continuing to come back to it as it gave me lots of food for thought.

In the big picture Gottman is advocating "Emotion Coaching" which broken down to five steps is: 1.) Being aware of the child's emotions 2.)Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for...more
Natalie
Awesome awesome book. I love John Gottman and think he has great info with great research. A lot of things he says to do I've already been doing with Addie, but there are things I can do better and need to remember not to say or do. Like instead of telling her to be happy when she's throwing a tantrum or she goes to bed for a nap, tell her that it's okay that she's sad or angry, but if she has a tantrum and isn't acting nicely she needs to go to her room and calm down and she can come out when s...more
Marie Feinauer
This book was well thought out and very well researched. I also thought it went well with the Dr. William Sears "Attachment Parenting" books. It has some of the same ideas, but applied more to older children. It also goes well with the Charlotte Mason philosophy that children are people. It did challenge a lot of my paradigms of how I look at emotion. But I could see it helping me when I babysat my cousin's daughter. And I also could see myself making the mistakes they said. Even though it gives...more
Maya
Oct 04, 2008 Maya rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: parents
One thing my mother always told me was that she believes children are people too, and adults should remember that. Essentially, that is the message John Gottman seeks to deliver in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

As a parent I found the book helpful because it gives five "rules" for responding when your child is emotional. I find, that as my son gets older, my impulse is to expect him to keep his emotions more under control. But that expectation is sometimes unreasonable; I need to rem...more
Russell
This book has started to significantly change my parenting style. With each chapter I noticed that I was starting to soak in the ideas and principles of emotional awareness. I decided not to read it too quickly after I began noticing how it was influencing my sensitivity. I took the time to really think about experiences and situations in the past where I could have applied what Gottman was teaching. This approach required a significant amount of pondering and evaluation. I expect that I will re...more
Laura
This book takes me back to my college parenting and family studies classes. I feel like its a solid book that teaches you first, to figure out what type of parent you are and second, recognize how you as a parent respond to your child's emotions. It's not a parenting book with lots of tips and there's nothing earth shattering, but it reinforces 5 simple principles which are basically this:

1. beware of the child's emotion
2. prepare yourself for a parenting moment
3. listen to your kid. make them f...more
Kara
I think this book would be really good for parents who aren't sure what emotions are acceptable and how to handle their own emotions in relation to their childs' emotions- clear as mud. What I mean is, if you are ok with your child getting angry, upset, frustrated then you probably know most of what's in this book. But if you aren't ok with yourself feelings these emotions, let alone a child, then you should read it to get on board. Kids are going to have emotions, for crying out loud, adults do...more
Julie Verner
A must-read parenting book. He offers a wonderful discussion of the importance of parenting our children's emotions. The book offers examples, self-assessment quizzes, and is centered around five steps to becoming an emotion coach. Because so much of the work that I do as a therapist is with individuals who present with problems because they do not know how to recognize, name, and effectively cope with their emotions, I believe strongly in the merit of this type of book. As valuable as the book...more
Katherine
There were points where I felt frustrated with this book and it took me a bit longer to finish than I had anticipated. However, I am very glad I read the whole book,and am certain Iwill at some point re-read some suggestions. Overall the information in this book was very helpful and also a bit of a wake up call forme personally.
Colleen
Emotion coaching is extremely useful in dealing with all my children, but especially for my highly emotional Luke. We want our boys to know how to identify and put words to their feelings, that their feelings are important, and that there are appropriate ways and inappropriate ways to release our feelings. This book gives a great guide for doing all those things. It also has helped both Adam and I identify our emotional triggers so we can face emotional situations with more understanding. A grea...more
Heidi
This is, hands down, one of the best books I've ever read. Gottman presents a way to parent that is simple, consistent, and kind. I was shocked that his advice cast an almost magical spell of understanding and calm on my child. This isn't a book on discipline so much as it is a reminder that treating someone (even a 3 year old or 13 year old someone) with respect and love yields mutual respect and love.
Jesse
Sep 24, 2008 Jesse rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: Anyone
Recommended to Jesse by: Business Psychologist
This is a great book regardless of whether or not you are raising a child, although I imagine it could be even better if you were. It was recomended to me by a business psycholgist during a week long group therapy session with a focus on leadership. It gives very practical advice that I was able to use immediately in an office setting with noticeable results.

Very valuable book!
Jenny
I know everyone who reviewed it loved this book, but I just could not get into in. I understand and somewhat agree with the theory of emotional intelligence and how to develop that in children in theory. However, it seemed to be a lot of convincing and not much "how-to".
missy lambert
The best parenting book EVER. In fact, it's pretty much the only parenting book I've ever liked much at all :) I've read it several times, and it has radically shaped my ideas about creating attachment and mutual respect in my relationship with my kid(s).
Ilib4kids
649.1 GOT

The key to successful parenting ... based on your deepest feelings of love and affections for your child, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding.

p24
1.Become aware of the child's emotion
2.Recognize the emotion as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically, validating the child feeling.
4. help the child finds word to label the emotions he is having
5. set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.
p101 step1 Limiting setting
As Gi...more
Brynn
good stuff, but i didn't give it a 5 because it quotes Ginott so much that you might as well just read Ginott's "Between Parent and Child". redundant, but well-written and easy to glean good advice from.
Sofi Carpenter
This book had good ideas, but I felt it was redundant; it could have made the point with half the words. I also feel it was mostly geared to those with small children.
Erika
This had some good ideas in it, but a lot of them are things that are kind of common sense. I do like it, but I probably won't finish it.
Aimee
A must read for parents from a very credible & respected author.
Jasonlylescampbell
On page 21 Gottman writes the main theme of the book (he is describing an Emotional Coach):

"they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them."

He also shares from psychologist Haim Ginott (34-35) that parents should not tell children what they ought to feel, "because that simply makes children distrust their feelings. ... Ginott believed that while not all beha...more
Megan
This is a book I want to read again and again so I can learn new things to deal with my kids at different stages. Here is what I learned this time through:

* The basic premise of this book is that a parent shouldn't try to control or censure a child's feelings, but they should set limits on behavior. I really like the balance he suggests.

* The most helpful thing for me in my current stage as a parent was the concept that I don't have to fix everything. I find it very stressful when Sandy cries a...more
Rebecca
A few pages in and I had a spooky sense of dejavu-- am I crazy or have I read this all before somewhere? After a few more pages, the feeling was explained. Gottman was greatly influenced by the work of Haim Ginott, who did important research in childhood and communication, but who was not widely interpreted for the public until Faber's "How so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" translated his psychological principles into concrete parenting tools.

So reading this, after loving "How t...more
Melissa
Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child taught me how to better connect and deal with my children's emotions. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture has helped me to understand and deal with the regular outbursts that occur in household with four children.

I read the book and evaluated the content in terms of how I was raised and my perception on my husband's upbringing. Our parents did very well in some areas (in all honesty, probably better than we are doing), and in other areas...more
Rebecca Reid
Parents: If you read one parenting book, I think this slim volume should be it!

It has been more than a month since I finished reading Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman (published 1998). By waiting to write my thoughts, I may not have as many specific examples and quotes to share. However, by letting the book percolate in my mind as I went about my life, I can even better declare that Gottman’s slim volume is a helpful and essential reminder of the role of parents in the l...more
Caroline
It's fine. Not earth-shattering or anything, but practical, substantial, and solidly supported. I had a previous love for Gottman from his marriage studies/books.

I don't really think it's necessary to memorize the emotion coaching steps or anything, since a lot of it just strikes me as common sense and practice, and once you embrace the role of emotion-coaching, you'll find your own ways to communicate with your particular kid in the way that works best for y'all. (But the specific steps might...more
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Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of the Gottman Institute™ with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where they are developing programs for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Dom...more
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