When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family

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When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family

4.26 of 5 stars 4.26 · rating details · 42 ratings · 24 reviews

Is Your Occupation Also Your Preoccupation?

Let’s face it. With all the demands of the workplace and all the details of a family it’s only a matter of time before one bumps into the other. And many of us end up cheating our families when the commitments of both collide. In this practical book, Andy Stanley will help you...

• establish priorities and boundaries to protect wha...more

Paperback, 160 pages

Published December 20th 2011 by Multnomah Books

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Aug 20, 2012 Becky rated it 4 of 5 stars

Divorce, separation, family breakup, heartache, looking back on life with much regret. These are a few of the things Andy Stanley is hoping to save today’s families from.

Basically the author points out what we all know: there are only so many hours in the day. Unfortunately, a lot of us would like to squeeze at least 36 hours of life into those 24 hours. Since that won’t work, something is always going to be shortchanged. Andy Stanley’s basic premise is: if something is shortchanged while trying...more Divorce, separation, family breakup, heartache, looking back on life with much regret. These are a few of the things Andy Stanley is hoping to save today’s families from.

Basically the author points out what we all know: there are only so many hours in the day. Unfortunately, a lot of us would like to squeeze at least 36 hours of life into those 24 hours. Since that won’t work, something is always going to be shortchanged. Andy Stanley’s basic premise is: if something is shortchanged while trying to accomplish more than there is time for, the family should not be picked for the sacrifice.

Stanley asserts that no matter how supportive and understanding a family is about being constantly shortchanged, resentments will start to fester. Given time, even if logically the mind’s of the people in the family know that they are being given the short-end-of-the-stick for an ultimate good, the heart of the family will start to break. Hurt feelings, anger, feelings of abandonment, and other negative aspects will start tearing apart the heart’s of the family members. And if it goes on very long, the damage may not be undone.

Stanley gives us some interesting examples from his own life. He also includes some true-life stories of people who have found themselves on the brink of, or even already breaking their families up–and what became of them. Stanley offers some concrete suggestions for making the craziness of life stop, based on Daniel of the Old Testament. Daniel had some formidable situations in his own life–such as a king who renamed him after an idol, and insisted Daniel eat the food that was sacrificed to that same idol. Stanley makes some impressive parallels from Daniel’s story of old, and our problems of today.

If your life seems to be overwhelming you, pick this up for some pointers on changing. This book is one that is easy and quick to read, which in my opinion is the perfect type of self-help tool. You can quickly get to the main points, and try to put them into action in your own life. I enjoyed reading it.

The publisher has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book through WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for the purpose of review. All opinions expressed are my own, and I have not been compensated in any other manner.

My blog: http://fushiacat.wordpress.com/ (less)

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Jun 12, 2012 Austin Holiman rated it 5 of 5 stars

In the past I’ve read a couple of Andy Stanley’s books, namely, “Communicating for a Change” and “The Principle of the Path.” Although both of these were extremely practical they don’t come close to “When Work and Family Collide.” Stanley has addressed a great need for those in the workforce. There is constant battle between work and family. Stanley brings not only his experience, insight, and knowledge but practical examples of others who have fought this battle and the consequences of their de...more

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May 14, 2012 Cheryl rated it 3 of 5 stars

Keeping your job from cheating your family—this is the subtitle and it is very appropriate to the content. This is what the author meant by the term “cheating”: choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value.

I thought the topic was simply and clearly spelled out for the readers with plenty of related stories to illustrate points and to keep it interesting. Starting off with what it means to “cheat” (see above), to why it happens, suggestions to help stop it, mak...more

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Apr 14, 2012 Zack rated it 4 of 5 stars

Too many parents, and men in particular, have neglected their family in favor of advancing their career. This is an epidemic problem throughout America. Parents decide that more things, cooler experiences, and better opportunities are more important to strive after for their children than a vibrant, healthy family that loves one another and loves God. Stanley opens the book by asserting that everybody cheats. By cheating, he means "choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else...more Too many parents, and men in particular, have neglected their family in favor of advancing their career. This is an epidemic problem throughout America. Parents decide that more things, cooler experiences, and better opportunities are more important to strive after for their children than a vibrant, healthy family that loves one another and loves God. Stanley opens the book by asserting that everybody cheats. By cheating, he means "choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value." The key issue here is what is of "greater value?" Far too many men have decided that financial security and success in a particular career is of greater value, and have therefore chosen to give up family time in order to more fully pursue those "more important things."

In order to combat this way of thinking and help clarify what is truly the thing of greater value, Andy Stanley has written this short, but important, little book clocking in right at 130 pgs. He splits the book into two parts. The first part, chapters 2-5, uses personal stories in order to focus on the dynamic created in the heart of a spouse or child who feels cheated or neglected. The second part, chapters 6-10, focuses on developing a strategy for change. I appreciate the fact that Stanley did not just exhort the reader to change, showing them that what they are doing is wrong, but he gives the reader practical advice and steps in order to develop a strategy to spend more time focusing on family and less time focusing on a career.

Stanley ends the book in a rather interesting, but I believe helpful, way. He challenges the reader to take a 30-day challenge. The focus of this challenge is to commit yourself not to cheat on home for work for 30 consecutive days. Instead of leaving the office when you have finished everything, which may not be until very late in the night, resolve to be home when you have said you'll be home. If your wife is serving dinner at 6pm, be home at 6pm to enjoy dinner with your family. If your son has an important game at 7pm, be there. The focus of this challenge is to encourage men to leave work at work and spend more time with family, realizing that they are infinitely more important than some career.

I thought that this book was very helpful and challenging, and is one that should be read by all men who are trying to juggle the balance between work and family. If nothing else, it will serve as a very important reminder not to let your priorities get confused.

In compliance with FTC regulations, I would like to thank Waterbrook Multnomah for providing me with a review copy in exchange for a fair and honest review. (less)

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Mar 01, 2012 Henk-Jan van der Klis rated it 4 of 5 stars

Previously released in 2002 as Choosing to Cheat, Andy Stanley re-released his message to (potential) workaholics and parents-in-name-only as When Work and Family Collide in 2011. Is Your Occupation Also Your Preoccupation? There are only 24 hours in each single day. All the demands of the workplace, family, hobbies, sports, and church can’t be matched fully. Let’s face it. Work and family collide, choices are necessary. Of all stakeholders, work and family are the most important. When troubles...more

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Feb 13, 2012 James rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: business-and-leadership, children, pastoral, parenting

http://matichuk.wordpress.com/2012/02...

This is just what I need! A self-help book written by a mega-church pastor! Originally this book was titled Choosing to Cheat because Stanley suggests you have to ‘cheat’ either work or family so you might as well go ahead and decide where your priorities are and ‘cheat’ at your job for the sake of your family. Waterbrook Multnomah wisely retitled this book for this edition to something less provocative. They did the same thing last year with their release...more http://matichuk.wordpress.com/2012/02...

This is just what I need! A self-help book written by a mega-church pastor! Originally this book was titled Choosing to Cheat because Stanley suggests you have to ‘cheat’ either work or family so you might as well go ahead and decide where your priorities are and ‘cheat’ at your job for the sake of your family. Waterbrook Multnomah wisely retitled this book for this edition to something less provocative. They did the same thing last year with their release of Joshua Harris’s Why Church Matters(previously titled Stop Dating the Church. Sometimes a less ‘sexy’ title goes along way towards countering misunderstandings.

I am deeply suspicious of self-help books and mega-church pastors, and doubly suspicious of mega-church pastors who write self-help books. Add to that, I am out of work. Why would I read a book about family and work? I could just read a book called When Family Collides. This would likely encapsulate my life.

Why did I read this book? While my suspicions aside sometimes mega-church pastors and self-help gurus have some good things to say and you’d be wise to listen. Andy Stanley wrote this book to address the common dynamic experienced in the modern family where commitment to work competes with our being able to give proper attention to our spouse or children. He’s absolutely right. I’ve seen this dynamic in myself. I went through seminary with a full load of classes, two and sometimes three jobs at a time and sometimes, my family got the short end of the stick. A book that addresses this problem is important and has value.

Stanley writes accessibly about the need for us to ‘cheat’ by allocating our limited resource of time, towards what really matters in life (our families). In order to help ease the fears of those of us stuck in the vicious rat race of career pursuits, he describes what Daniel did in Babylon (as in the book of Daniel) when he felt his vocation (enslaved wise-man) but up against his priorities. Instead of eating at the king’s table Daniel confronted the situation with his supervisor, listened to his supervisors concerns and set up a test (10 days no meat) to show that productivity would not be adversely affected. Stanley suggests you should use the same in your workplace (address the issue with supervisor, listen to their concerns and set up a liminal test) where you can limit your hours on the job and spend more time with family. There is wisdom in this approach, but I don’t think that this adequately does justice to Daniel’s situation.

Ultimately I maintain my self-help suspicions of this book. Self help books have some value in helping you overcome problems in your self, enact better self management and grow personally; yet when self-help gets a theological overlay problems emerge. The gospel gets short-shrifted. God’s goal for your life is not that you become more balanced in your vocational and family life so that you have a more satisfying marriage and better kids. God’s purpose is to reconcile you to himself through the work of Jesus Christ. See the problem with a blending of Biblical texts (misused) to illustrate a self-help principle, even one that is sound, we turn God into a means to a better life on our terms. Sure we should be healthier and more balanced in our lives (and there is some wisdom here) but freedom doesn’t come from establishing your priorities and following through, freedom comes when we experience our life (and families) as gift from God, and are set free from the tyranny of the urgent. That is Good news!

This isn’t a total write-off of Andy Stanley. He certainly is a good communicator and an effective minister of the gospel elsewhere, but I don’t think he delivers the goods here. It is an easy read and may be helpful for some people, but it didn’t do it for me. Thank you to Waterbrook Multnomah for providing me with a copy of this book in exchange for this review.(less)

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Jan 18, 2012 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

I won this book as a First Reads winner. My husband read this and reviewed it as follows:
This book is a must read for men and women. If you are 22 and starting a career, (Homemaker or CEO) – read this book. If you are 43 at at the mid-point of your work life – read this book. If you are 63 ½ and getting ready to retire in a few years – read this book. When Work and Family Collide reminds us that the life of a Christ follower is a practical journey of faith. The work God has called us to do is op...more

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Jan 23, 2012 Daniel Butcher rated it 5 of 5 stars

Andy Stanley in When Work & Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family provides practical and theologically sound advice on balancing home and work life. Stanley notes despite the negative connotations to the word “cheating” that everyone does it. He reframes cheating as “choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value (Stanley, 1)” The book provides examples of the negative impact on the family lives of many well meaning people who worked har...more

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Apr 13, 2012 Katherine rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: waterbrook-multnomah-publishing-rev

- I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. –

Struggling to find a balance between work and family is a difficult position to be in, regardless of whether you're white collar or blue collar (or even a stay at home/work at home parent), and with a husband who works third shift I was intensely interested in some help with finding the kind of balance the author speaks of in this book.

We are told, on page three, that this book "is about establishing pr...more - I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. –

Struggling to find a balance between work and family is a difficult position to be in, regardless of whether you're white collar or blue collar (or even a stay at home/work at home parent), and with a husband who works third shift I was intensely interested in some help with finding the kind of balance the author speaks of in this book.

We are told, on page three, that this book "is about establishing priorities. A priority is something you put ahead of something else. A priority is something you say yes to even when it means saying no to other important things." The goal, then, is to not let work cheat your family by becoming a higher priority.

One part of the book I deeply appreciated was the comparison to the emotional load one feels when one feels, well, cheated, to having to hold onto a heavy rock all by oneself, as well as the idea of the exhaustion factor - the feeling as though you just can't hold on any longer to this heavy burden you've been left to carry all on your own. This doesn't have to refer simply to the ability to stay in the relationship - at least while I was reading the chapter it really hit home in a different way. There's no way I can imagine not being able to hold on to my husband, but I can relate to the exhaustion of holding on to other emotional strains and burdens while trying to make our relationship work, and just feeling like I can't take it anymore, wanting to beg my husband to find another way to prioritize and organize our life together because the load feels too heavy, like I'm carrying it on my own because of the way he works (and sleeps, because of being on third shift) makes him so unavailable when it comes to the way I need for our family to function. I guess I'm just trying to say that I understand feeling "cheated...."

Anyway, the first section of this book relates to looking into relationships that have been tested because of feeling "cheated" - the emotions and struggles of the person feeling cheated, the way it can come between people, the need to be aware of the "vital signs" of the relationship and family....And then the second section pertains to coming up with a "strategy for change" - making up your mind in terms of priorities, making a plan to try to do better, testing the plan, etc, etc.

It's a short, quick read - I read it in one sitting, though there are discussion questions in the back of the book set up so that people can read it in a four week "course." I felt that this book did well to show both sides of the coin - how difficult it is to be both the person feeling "cheated" and the person doing the "cheating", and I would recommend it to anyone striving for more balance in their life, or anyone who feels as though their spouse should.

I'll bring this review to a close with the quote I feel most sums up this book:

"Don't cheat the people who love you most. Don't cheat the person who's looking forward to spending the rest of his or her life with you. Don't cheat yourself of the peace that comes with knowing you're squarely in the will of the One who created you. Don't cheat your kids of the security that comes with knowing that they're Mommy and Daddy's priorities." (page 132)
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Jun 18, 2012 John Ausmus rated it 5 of 5 stars

Do you have a hard time balancing your work and your family? Is your family life difficult because your work is consuming your time and energy? If so, then I recommend that you read When Work & Family Collide by Andy Stanley. This is a short book, part motivational, part practical steps. What I liked best about the book was the chapter about setting up a test. It seems to me that people are often reluctant to change because of fear of what might happen. Setting up a test is a great way to va...more

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Apr 14, 2012 Brenten Gilbert rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: reviews-brb-waterbrook, faith, non-fiction

If I’m honest, I’ll admit that I cheated both work and family to read this book…

I listen to Andy Stanley’s leadership podcast as well as the “Best of North Point” podcast and one of them recently featured the topic contained within the pages of this very book. And since I work for a company that strongly emphasizes (at least in word if not deed) the importance of a proper “work/life balance,” it really struck me as quite relevant and intriguing. I mean, I’ve heard what the corporate world has to...more

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Jun 23, 2012 Marcus Lynn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: discipleship

The first time I read When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family by Andy Stanley it was called “Choosing to Cheat.” Somehow in picking up this volume I missed the small print on the front of the book where it said, “Choosing to Cheat.” I felt cheated! I didn’t want to re-read a book that I read years ago! Yet, I really can’t complain because this book was given to me free from the publisher to review. So let me say up front, I’m not a fan of “re-publishing” books un...more

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May 10, 2012 Andrew rated it 5 of 5 stars

In When Work and Family Collide, Andy Stanley described the importance of balancing family life and your work schedule. He has seen the effects of people choosing their job over maintaining a relationship with their spouse and children. At one point or another we have to cheat someone or something somewhere. We can decide to cheat the job or cheat our family. We can't be everything to all people and there is no possible way to be involved in everything. Is working so hard and long hours in order...more In When Work and Family Collide, Andy Stanley described the importance of balancing family life and your work schedule. He has seen the effects of people choosing their job over maintaining a relationship with their spouse and children. At one point or another we have to cheat someone or something somewhere. We can decide to cheat the job or cheat our family. We can't be everything to all people and there is no possible way to be involved in everything. Is working so hard and long hours in order to obtain the American dream really worth neglecting your family of their needs? This book shared many personal stories and steps to achieve a balance between work and family. The most critical step is to make a decision to spend time more time with your family. The next part of the step is making a plan on how you will do this. Making a decision and not following through won't accomplish the task of being the father or wife you were created to be. He will take you through Daniel's story with the King and show you how Daniel handled his situation. Andy Stanley encouraged readers to try a plan for thirty days and see how their lives will change for the better.

Here is a thought provoking revelation from the book:
"One day you'll come home from the office for the last time. Nobody retires from his or her family to spend his or her final days in the office. Your last day may be at sixty-five when you retire or at thirty-five when you're laid off. Either way, you're coming home. What and who you come home to will be determined by how you live out your priorities between now and then" (Page 130).

I would recommend this wonderful book to every family and those who are planning to have a family one day. Some might not even have children but this book is still relevant and the message is still needed. There needs to be a balance and structure for our families. It's important to not let work became the God of your life. Yes, we must work in order to live but in the process, we can't forsake our family members who desperately want our love and support. This is the first book that I have read by Andy Stanley and he did a magnificent job at revealing the steps one must take in order to not cheat on your family. He didn't sugarcoat the message of saying that we are all cheaters. We tend to not consider that cheating isn't just with another person. Our jobs schedules are cheating many families right now. Maintaining and finding the balance between the office and home are the main important keys! This book will assist readers to start to learn how to say no to working long hours every single night. We can choose to stay at the office until everything is done. But we must face the truth that everything will never be completely finished! The work will still be there tomorrow. Your family though may not be!

"I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review". (less)

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Jun 27, 2012 Wendy rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book written by Andy Stanley was released previously titled Choosing to Cheat. In this book Andy talks about the fact that in life we are either cheating our family due to work or cheating work due to our family. He shares about creating boundries and guidlines to protect what you value most...your family. He explains the difference in saying that your family is a priority and actually making your family your priority and gives practical advice on how to do just that.

One might think that t...more

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Feb 27, 2012 Angie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Overall a good read. Spiritual, realistic and compassionate. While it won't relieve some of my heavy workload I did flag a few take a ways. Especially in relation to how I can ask and make sure I know how my family is feeling and where we are at emotionally as a family from time to time. As Andy put it some day you'll come home from the office for good and what/who you come home to will be determined by how you live out your priorities between now and then.

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Jan 18, 2012 Yvonne rated it 5 of 5 stars

I won this book through a GOODREADS giveaway. The author, Andy Stanley is a pastor and has written a must-read for working adults trying to juggle their business and family lives. It is a quick read with actual true life situations, in all a great book to bring your family together spiritually.

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Feb 11, 2012 Greg Miller rated it 4 of 5 stars

A stunning premise: there's not enough time for everything, so who's going to get "cheated?" Good examples and scriptural support for taking a stand for your family.

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Jun 06, 2012 Christy Ricks added it

Great book! The title should be "Make Your Family Your Priority - put down all of your gidgets, gadgets, and spend time with your kids."

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Jul 17, 2012 Chris rated it 5 of 5 stars

If you work, and you have a family, then you should read this book.

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Mar 14, 2012 Justin Farley rated it 4 of 5 stars

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Jan 12, 2012 Dee marked it as to-read

Shelves: first-read, books-i-own

I won this book as a Goodreads First Read.

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Jan 13, 2013 Justin Farmer rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great practical book on making time with your family intentional.

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Oct 08, 2012 Nate Mcgooden rated it 5 of 5 stars

Great imagery when Andy Stanley states that we all cheat, it just depends on who/what we cheat on.

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Apr 21, 2012 Gina Wilson rated it 5 of 5 stars

Andy Stanley did it again. Thought provoking, inspirational, and a goto book on how to juggle it all and still be number one to your family.

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May 17, 2013 Kyle Strong marked it as to-read

May 15, 2013 Stacie Hubbard rated it 5 of 5 stars

May 10, 2013 Stephen Howard marked it as to-read

May 10, 2013 Michael Sutton marked it as to-read

Apr 28, 2013 Bob Eckel marked it as to-read

Apr 23, 2013 Tonia Carty Hau is currently reading it

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About Andy Stanley

Andy Stanley is the senior pastor of North Point Community Church, Buckhead Church, and Browns Bridge Community Church. He also founded North Point Ministries, which is a worldwide Christian organization.

More about Andy Stanley...

Books by Andy Stanley

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Visioneering: God's Blueprint for Developing and Maintaining Personal Vision

Next Generation Leader: 5 Essentials for Those Who Will Shape the Future

The Principle of the Path: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

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