The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

by Gavin de Becker

book data

1,358 ratings, 4.13 average rating, 395 reviews (more data...)

rating	frequency	%
5		40%
4		37%
3		17%
2		3%
1		0%

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published

May 11th 1999 (first published 1997) by Dell Publishing Company

binding

Paperback, 384 pages

isbn

0440508835 (isbn13: 9780440508830)

description

Each hour, 75 women are raped in the United States, and every few seconds, a woman is beaten. Each day, 400 Americans suffer shooting injuries, and an...more

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05/04/08

Jennifer rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in May, 2008

This book is a primer on how to keep yourself safe by listening to your own intuition and following your instincts. Violence is seldom random - we almost always have warning signals long before the boyfriend refuses to be broken up with or the employee with the gun climbs the clock tower.

I'll relate my own Gavin de Becker-esqe story here, by way of example.

Several years ago I had a well-liked roommate who needed to break the lease and move to another city. We both inter...more

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08/12/08

Sheena rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

bookshelves: reference

Read in August, 2008

recommends it for: Everyone who interacts with people at all. Meaning, you.

After the fifth or sixth person either recommended "The Gift of Fear" or mentioned reading it, I made sure to find it at the library.
"The Gift of Fear" is a tough read at times, due to discussion of violent crimes. However, the subject -- learning to trust that true reaction of fear when in a situation or encountering someone that just doesn't seem right -- is one that more people should spend time thinking about.
While De Becker emphasizes listening to the reactio...more

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12/28/07

Greta rated it:

(review of isbn 0440226198)

Read in February, 2008

recommends it for: not anyone with anxiety issues

Not super well-written, but I secretly love this stuff. Definitely a good read for anyone who is into psycholigical reasons for violence. It also shatters the idea that violence is unpredictable....

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01/04/09

Amber rated it:

(review of isbn 0440226198)

bookshelves: desert-island

The most important book I've ever read. I first encountered de Becker when he was on Oprah years ago, talking about what to teach your child if they get lost in a public place. "Tell them to find a woman who looks like a mommy and ask her for help." After all, how often is a policeman around? This pragmatic, common sense approach stuck with me.

Later, a friend in law enforcement suggested this book and I read it in one sitting. Have a coworker who makes you uneasy? Read this...more

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08/20/08

Barbara M. rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

"This book can save your life"...I strongly believe EVERY women should go and buy or borrow this book ASAP. It is unbelievable at how brilliant this book is.

One of the things (but they're many) that really got to me was how Becker really put things in perspective. I'll never ever forget the example of the Antelope in the desert that only "senses" danger in a field; You've seen it on the Discovery Channel where the animals head jerks up and out of no where he runs....more

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07/24/08

Kirsten rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

bookshelves: borrowed, non-fiction, psych-and-neuroscience

Read in September, 2008

recommends it for: just about everyone

The more I think about this book, the more impressed I feel with how useful it is. So often, information about avoiding danger that is given to people, particularly women, is unhelpful, dangerous, sexist, and/or serves only to feed into paranoia.

De Becker, in contrast, draws a strong distinction between the culture of fear that we live in (where TV news and email forwards cultivate fear of dangers that are unlikely to occur), and fear as an instinctive tool one can use to protect on...more The more I think about this book, the more impressed I feel with how useful it is. So often, information about avoiding danger that is given to people, particularly women, is unhelpful, dangerous, sexist, and/or serves only to feed into paranoia.

De Becker, in contrast, draws a strong distinction between the culture of fear that we live in (where TV news and email forwards cultivate fear of dangers that are unlikely to occur), and fear as an instinctive tool one can use to protect oneself. He points out repeatedly that there is a difference between helpful fear and anxiety/worry, and that one must learn to quell the voices of paranoia that (for example) tell one that every individual walking down the street is a potential attacker, so that when one encounters someone who actually is a potential attacker, one can "hear" one's fear.

In addition to advising the reader to listen to his/her fear, de Becker also gives helpful tips regarding behaviors to watch for. Does someone refuse to accept "no" for an answer, after it's clearly stated? Do they seek to allay your discomfort by creating camraderie where there is none (using a lot of "we" statements)? Do they seem overly interested, or supply way too many details for someone you've just met?

De Becker doesn't just focus on encounters with strangers or near-strangers (such as dates one has just met). He also spends a great deal of time discussing domestic abuse and child abuse and the way fear functions in these relationships. There is also a great deal of information on workplace violence and ways it can be avoided, which should be required reading for any manager or hiring officer. The only time the book seemed somewhat irrelevant was in the later chapters, where de Becker discusses celebrity stalking and assasinations/assasination attempts. These chapters are interesting from a human behavior standpoint, but are less readily applicable.

Overall, I would recommend this to everyone, but particularly to women like me who sometimes have trouble balancing safety with the desire not to let anxiety rule their lives.(less)

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07/10/08

Jake rated it:

(review of isbn 0440226198)

bookshelves: anthropology, psychology, self-defense

This book was recommended to me years ago by Tony Blauer and Van Canna Sensei, a very high ranking (and very skilled) Uechi-Ryu instructor. I've read it several times since then, and recently re-read it as prep for a project for my book publicity class. It's a great book, so I thought I'd throw a review of it up here.

The Gift of Fear is a book about violence. Specifically, it's about predicting violence, and how most modern people ignore the signals that their intuition and their body ...more This book was recommended to me years ago by Tony Blauer and Van Canna Sensei, a very high ranking (and very skilled) Uechi-Ryu instructor. I've read it several times since then, and recently re-read it as prep for a project for my book publicity class. It's a great book, so I thought I'd throw a review of it up here.

The Gift of Fear is a book about violence. Specifically, it's about predicting violence, and how most modern people ignore the signals that their intuition and their body give them about violent, or potentially violent situations. De Becker takes the conceit that violence is random, unpredictable, and unavoidable, and thoroughly debunks it through a combination of research, psychology, and a lot of illustrative stories.

The book begins with a general overview of some of De Becker's main ideas, describes his work in some detail (he runs an agency that provides protective services to a wide variety of clients), and a few stories to help get those ideas across. Later chapters move into more specific types of threats, including stalkers, domestic violence, workplace violence, and eventually culminating with an interesting discussion of assassins. In each chapter, De Becker gives examples of common predictors of certain types of violence, and breaks down a few myths about how to deal with potentially violent predators.

I should be clear—this book is focused almost entirely on verbal and psychological strategies. You won't find diagrams of how to elbow someone in the head or kick someone in the groin here. but the information presented here can help you predict and avoid the situations where you might need to elbow and kick someone, which, to my mind, is the best form of self-defense you can practice.

There's a great deal of really valuable information presented here, and it's presented very well. You don't need to be a practicing martial artist to get a tremendous amount out of this—if you have ever worried about being the victim of violence, read this book. It's worth it.(less)

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10/24/07

Anna rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

recommends it for: paranoids

I saw a girl reading this on the subway and remembered that I read it 5 years ago or so on the recommendation of a friend. It's basically a book version of those internet forwards that tell women how to protect themselves from random attackers and/or serial killers. The gist of it is: Be aware of how you feel and don't discount your fear.

To some extent, this is smart - most people feel afraid for good reason, and you shouldn't feel silly about your fear. The thing I remember most vivi...more

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4 comments

09/19/08

Karen rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in January, 2004

recommends it for: every woman

Forgot to add this to my "read" shelf when I joined Goodreads until I saw that Tori is reading it. This book did change my life and years after reading it, there are many points that remain vivid in my memory and I actually recall them fairly regularly. Although the grim reality of what women in particular face in the sense of being targets on a daily basis is made quite clear through the book and scared me, that wears off while the insights gained have changed my perspective on prot...more

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06/23/08

Buffy rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Do yourself a favor and read this book several times--you will never doubt your instincts again! Y'know when you meet someone and those little hairs stick up on the back of your neck and you feel silly about not trusting them because you want to give all folks the benefit of the doubt...well, *don't*--it could cost your life or extensive grief! This book also doesn't say to doubt everybody but the overall message is to trust your instincts and if something isn't right--believe it!

He ...more

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09/08/08

Jenn rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

This is a survival type book which every woman should read at some point in their lives. It helps identify possible danger from stalkers or attackers. One thing I learned from this book that is invaluable is how restraining orders are useless on people that would truly do you harm because it actually provokes the person. Any reaction at all will provoke someone who is already giving you trouble. This was a very interesting book to read. (Well, I actually got it on tape and listened to it). ...more

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11/11/07

Bridget rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in September, 1999

recommends it for: all women---particularly Southern women

God has given us the capacity for fear as a protective mechanism. Our intuition of fear is often a split-second response to multiple types of sensory information & years of life experiences. Due to social constraints, we frequently ignore our fears and do things that put us in danger either physically or emotionally. Southern women are especially unlikely to act on their fears if doing so would make others embarassed or uncomfortable. This book also has practical information about how to end ...more

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02/24/09

Danna rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in February, 2009

When I have the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head nasties and am home on the couch, I indulge in comfort reading and pull out old favorites. The Gift of Fear may seem like an odd choice for comfort reading, but it's a very reassuring book that emphatically states what we all need to understand about the pervasiveness of violence in our society and what we can do about it. I'm especially pleased with the way he calls TV news to task for being part of the reason why people have ...more

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02/02/09

Jared rated it:

Read in September, 2005

I was told to read this book by my victimology professor in college. I thought we'd have an assignment due about it, or some sort of testing on it, so I made it a point to pick it up and plow through it. At the end of the semester we never had anything due about it, and we didn't receive points for reading it, but our professor kept us on the line by letting us think we would. In the end, I'm grateful for this, and I think he realized at the time that most students wouldn't pick it up if they...more

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05/26/09

Katie Fowler rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in May, 2009

This book was really up my alley because of the work I do, but it is very compelling read for anyone who thinks about violence as a part of the world and wonders how to stay safe. Although I wish there were research citations in there somewhere, de Becker's observations, drawn from his experience, instincts, and work as a safety consultant to both ordinary and high-profile clients does seem to largely converge with research findings. I'd heard of this book about 10 years ago in a college course...more

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03/30/09

Maria rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Has a copy to sell/swap — Read in March, 2009

recommends it for: anyone, really.

i picked up a bargain copy of this ages and ages ago on someone else's recommendation hoping to getting around to reading it later. almost two years later, i finally actually did get around to it.

what a neat primer on one's intuition. i feel like this book is mainly being aimed towards women, and it seems as though the majority of its readers are women judging by the reviews given on goodreads.

de becker is a security specialist for governments/celebrities/etc. he also ...more i picked up a bargain copy of this ages and ages ago on someone else's recommendation hoping to getting around to reading it later. almost two years later, i finally actually did get around to it.

what a neat primer on one's intuition. i feel like this book is mainly being aimed towards women, and it seems as though the majority of its readers are women judging by the reviews given on goodreads.

de becker is a security specialist for governments/celebrities/etc. he also developed the MOSAIC system of risk assessment which is rather interesting to read about if you have the chance.

de becker seems to blame a lot of violence on our culture of being polite. it is generally considered rude to refuse to get into an elevator, for instance, with a person you do not know. he claims our tendency is to subvert our intuitions in favor of politeness. another key point he makes is that people generally make errors in identifying psychopaths/violent people/etc because our instinct may be to assume that they share our world view, when this obviously isn't the case. he also criticizes running around the city with your headphones on, essentially muting your own instinct to stay alert. he even gets into body language and how (surprisingly) 66 different signals in body language are actually universal and not necessarily culturally specific.

consequently he also talks about how we learn to trust people, by learning more about them. the more information we have about a person, the more likely we are to trust them.

anyhow, i find it interesting as what he refers to as intuition is basically a physiological instinct on my own part. i know when i feel safe, when i don't. at times i ignore it. he's telling me, basically, that i should stop ignoring that. at the same time, he reminds that worrying/being anxious need not be paralyzing.

there are also various checklists throughout the book that identify the traits of what could be a violent person. many of these are rather "duh!" in nature, but that in no way makes it any less valuable to read. perhaps, we need to be reminded once in a while.

i'll also state that i enjoyed his writing style as it was highly accessible. it's a book anyone can read. after having trudged through far too many books with GRE vocabulary, this man's clean-cut style was a pleasure to read.(less)

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04/01/09

liz rated it:

(review of isbn 0440226198)

bookshelves: non-fiction

Read in April, 2009

People do things, we say, "out of the blue," "all of a sudden," "out of nowhere." These phrases support the popular myth that predicting human behavior isn't possible. Yet to successfully navigate through morning traffic, we make amazingly accurate high-stakes predictions about the behavior of literally thousands of people. ...So here we are, traveling along faster than anyone before the 1900s ever traveled (unless they were falling off a cliff), dodging giant, h...more People do things, we say, "out of the blue," "all of a sudden," "out of nowhere." These phrases support the popular myth that predicting human behavior isn't possible. Yet to successfully navigate through morning traffic, we make amazingly accurate high-stakes predictions about the behavior of literally thousands of people. ...So here we are, traveling along faster than anyone before the 1900s ever traveled (unless they were falling off a cliff), dodging giant, high-momentum steel missiles, judging the intent of their operators with a fantastic accuracy, and then saying we can't predict human behavior.

Wow. Really impressive, and everyone should read it - GdeB was systemizing intuition way before it ever occurred to Malcom Gladwell, and with way more useful results. He runs his own personal safety and crime-solving consulting firm (I guess is the best way to describe it), and after hearing his clients say for years "I don't know how it happened. . . . . . . . . . Well, there was this one thing that seemed a little off..." and seeing things escalate (or not, and why) with thousands of stalkers and disgruntled ex-employees, -lovers, -partners, -you-name-its, here is all of that information put together in almost a how-to book, so that we can do everything in our powers to keep ourselves and people we love out of bad situations.

Think of someone you know whom you might call a control freak. That person, like most violent people, grew up in a chaotic, violent, or addictive home. At a minimum, it was a home where parents did not act consistently and reliably, a place where love was uncertain or conditional. For him or her, controlling others became the only certain way to predict their behavior. People can be very motivated to become control experts because an inability to predict behavior is absolutely intolerable for human beings and every other social animal. (The fact that most people act predictably is literally what holds human societies together.)

I've successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear "no," and teach young women that it's all right to explicitly reject.

GdeB on TV news sensationalism (you may remember him strolling down a street in South Central LA with Michael Moore in "Bowling for Columbine"): Soon it will be "Robbers who hide out in your purse until you get home!" followed by a checklist of warning signs to look out for: "Purse feels extra heavy; purse difficult to close; unusual sounds coming from purse..."(less)

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06/02/08

Jessica rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

bookshelves: currently-reading

I feel that this book is SO important for us to read. It has opened my eyes to the stats of violence in this country. Plus, I like that someone out there is talking about our "intuition" or I like to call "the spirit".

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02/09/09

Melissa rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

Read in December, 2001

This book literally changed my life after going through a fairly serious situation involving a man, 6 handguns and more ammunition than I care to mention, at my workplace. Thankfully, no one was hurt that day. As you can imagine, a situation like that does leave one wondering how it could have been prevented and how a person can ever feel safe again. This book addresses these issues and more. It instructs us all to listen to that little voice that tells us something is just not right. De Be...more

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06/12/09

Valerie rated it:

(review of isbn 0747538352)

bookshelves: employee-book-club

Read in June, 2009

recommended to Valerie by: Employee Book Club
recommends it for: everyone

I was a little wary when I heard we were reading this book for bookclub. But it turned out that it was one of the more interesting non-fiction books I have read and was quite informative too. A really interesting topic and filled with information I could use and refer back to all my life. I may even pick up a copy for myself to keep someday. Wonderful in explaining fear, the criminal mind (and how it is not that different from our own motivations) and how to listen to your intuition and not deny...more

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