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Twilight (Twilight #1)
I'D NEVER GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT TO HOW I WOULD DIE - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.... Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.
When Isabella Swan moves to the gloomy town of Forks and meets the mysterious, all...more I'D NEVER GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT TO HOW I WOULD DIE - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.... Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.
When Isabella Swan moves to the gloomy town of Forks and meets the mysterious, alluring Edward Cullen, her life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn. With his porcelain skin, golden eyes, mesmerizing voice, and supernatural gifts, Edward is both irresistible and impenetrable. Up until now, he has managed to keep his true identity hidden, but Bella is determined to uncover his dark secret.
What Bella doesn't realize is the closer she gets to him, the more she is putting herself and those around her at risk. And, it might be too late to turn back....
Deeply seductive and extraordinarily suspenseful, Twilight will have readers riveted right until the very last page is turned.(less)
When Isabella Swan moves to the gloomy town of Forks and meets the mysterious, all...more I'D NEVER GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT TO HOW I WOULD DIE - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.... Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.
When Isabella Swan moves to the gloomy town of Forks and meets the mysterious, alluring Edward Cullen, her life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn. With his porcelain skin, golden eyes, mesmerizing voice, and supernatural gifts, Edward is both irresistible and impenetrable. Up until now, he has managed to keep his true identity hidden, but Bella is determined to uncover his dark secret.
What Bella doesn't realize is the closer she gets to him, the more she is putting herself and those around her at risk. And, it might be too late to turn back....
Deeply seductive and extraordinarily suspenseful, Twilight will have readers riveted right until the very last page is turned.(less)
Paperback, 544 pages
Published
(first published January 1st 2005)
more details...
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ISBN
031605898X
(ISBN13: 9780316058988)
edition language
English
original title
Twilight (Twilight #1)
series
characters
literary awards
Georgia Peach Book Award (2007), Buxtehuder Bulle (2006), Kentucky Bluegrass Award for 9-12 (2007), An ALA/YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Young Adult Readers (2006), Prijs van de Kinder- en Jeugdjury Vlaanderen (2008)
...more
Books I Loved Best Yearly (BILBY) Awards for Older Readers (2009), West Australian Young Readers' Book Award (WAYRBA) for Older Reader Award (2008), South Carolina Book Award for Young Adult Book Award (2008), Grand Canyon Reader Award for Teen Book (2008), Maryland Black-Eyed Susan Book Award for High School (2007), Gateway Awards (2007), Golden Sower Award for Young Adult (2009), Nevada Young Readers' Award for Young Adult Category (2007), The Flume: New Hampshire Teen Reader's Choice Award (2007), Garden State Teen Book Award for Fiction (Grades 9-12) (2008), Pennsylvania Young Readers' Choice Award for Young Adult (2008), Rhode Island Teen Book Award (2007), Evergreen Young Adult Book Award (2008), ALA Teens' Top Ten (2006), Michigan Library Association Thumbs Up! Award Nominee (2006), Teen Read Award Nominee for Best All-Time-Fave (2010), Iowa High School Book Award (2008), ALA's Top Ten Best Books for Young Adults (2006), Abraham Lincoln Award (2008)
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Jan 09, 2013
Clare Moss
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Shelves:
read-in-2008,
never-ever-again
I hate this book. I will probably end up reading the rest of them, because if I don't, people that love this thing wilI think they can convert me if I just keep reading. (ETA (Jan. 2013): Never even remotely bothered to finish the series.)
In short: the writing mechanics are atrocious. The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacki...more I hate this book. I will probably end up reading the rest of them, because if I don't, people that love this thing wilI think they can convert me if I just keep reading. (ETA (Jan. 2013): Never even remotely bothered to finish the series.)
In short: the writing mechanics are atrocious. The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacking the deep thought that comes with true passion and love and instead leaping recklessly into stupid and deadly situations when anyone with a brain could see sixty other possibilities that should have been tried first.
I can't express my disgust for the relationship between Edward and Bella. It's not romance, it's not passion, it's not love. It's selfish idiocy at best. Bella as a character is insufferable: her self-sacrificing streak is not compassion, it's sheer stupidity. It's hormones. It's a bad, bad example for the teenage girls who read it. Bella's whole life is tied up in her boyfriend. She has no goals, passions, ambitions, or dreams besides wanting to be with Edward, who could kill her.
Edward's element of danger is occasionally compelling, but it's totally overshadowed by the fact that Bella is completely oblivious to it. She doesn't fear him at all, and that doesn't come off like love: once again, it comes off as total stupidity.
Edward. What can I say about Edward. There is nothing lovable about him except that he is apparently the most beautiful thing in existence. He's selfish: he stays near Bella when he knows he could lose control and kill her at any second. He's a creepy stalker: he watches her while she sleeps, before she even really knows him. He's volatile: his mood swings are insane and ridiculous. He's immature: for someone who's been alive for a hundred years, he doesn't seem to have gained much experience. He's controlling: he doesn't want to let her out of his sight for two seconds. (Granted, she's dumb enough to get herself killed if he does.) He's insulting: he treats Bella like an incapable, silly little girl. (Which he's right to, but I digress. It's still insulting.)
I understand that Bella's smell and that Bella herself are irresistible to him. But if he wanted the best for her, he'd stay away from her, period, the end. The story is stupid, the love story is bad, and if that's what Stephenie Meyer is preaching to teenage girls, I think it's pretty questionable. It's not just "a fun read". There are girls out there who want to be Bella and who want to find an Edward.
Anyway.
I think I might enjoy the story a lot more if Bella's idiot head was not the one I had to spend time in while reading it. If I had to read one more description of how beautiful Edward is, I was going to choke a kitten. If it had focused more on the vampire family I would have been a lot more willing to forgive its faults. I thought Carlisle's and Alice's stories were really compelling, and Edward was finally accessible to me when he talked about Carlisle turning him into a vampire and how his family came to be formed, his life before Bella, etc. Some aspects of the vampirism were truly awesome: I found the idea that vampires can never sleep completely terrifying. That they never, ever get a break and never, ever get to rest... that is a wonderful and ghastly idea.
Entirely overshadowed by their flowery breath and the fact that they sparkle. Mothereffing ridiculous.
This is hardly the tip of the iceberg, but I'm trying to spare you at least a little.(less)
In short: the writing mechanics are atrocious. The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacki...more I hate this book. I will probably end up reading the rest of them, because if I don't, people that love this thing wilI think they can convert me if I just keep reading. (ETA (Jan. 2013): Never even remotely bothered to finish the series.)
In short: the writing mechanics are atrocious. The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacking the deep thought that comes with true passion and love and instead leaping recklessly into stupid and deadly situations when anyone with a brain could see sixty other possibilities that should have been tried first.
I can't express my disgust for the relationship between Edward and Bella. It's not romance, it's not passion, it's not love. It's selfish idiocy at best. Bella as a character is insufferable: her self-sacrificing streak is not compassion, it's sheer stupidity. It's hormones. It's a bad, bad example for the teenage girls who read it. Bella's whole life is tied up in her boyfriend. She has no goals, passions, ambitions, or dreams besides wanting to be with Edward, who could kill her.
Edward's element of danger is occasionally compelling, but it's totally overshadowed by the fact that Bella is completely oblivious to it. She doesn't fear him at all, and that doesn't come off like love: once again, it comes off as total stupidity.
Edward. What can I say about Edward. There is nothing lovable about him except that he is apparently the most beautiful thing in existence. He's selfish: he stays near Bella when he knows he could lose control and kill her at any second. He's a creepy stalker: he watches her while she sleeps, before she even really knows him. He's volatile: his mood swings are insane and ridiculous. He's immature: for someone who's been alive for a hundred years, he doesn't seem to have gained much experience. He's controlling: he doesn't want to let her out of his sight for two seconds. (Granted, she's dumb enough to get herself killed if he does.) He's insulting: he treats Bella like an incapable, silly little girl. (Which he's right to, but I digress. It's still insulting.)
I understand that Bella's smell and that Bella herself are irresistible to him. But if he wanted the best for her, he'd stay away from her, period, the end. The story is stupid, the love story is bad, and if that's what Stephenie Meyer is preaching to teenage girls, I think it's pretty questionable. It's not just "a fun read". There are girls out there who want to be Bella and who want to find an Edward.
Anyway.
I think I might enjoy the story a lot more if Bella's idiot head was not the one I had to spend time in while reading it. If I had to read one more description of how beautiful Edward is, I was going to choke a kitten. If it had focused more on the vampire family I would have been a lot more willing to forgive its faults. I thought Carlisle's and Alice's stories were really compelling, and Edward was finally accessible to me when he talked about Carlisle turning him into a vampire and how his family came to be formed, his life before Bella, etc. Some aspects of the vampirism were truly awesome: I found the idea that vampires can never sleep completely terrifying. That they never, ever get a break and never, ever get to rest... that is a wonderful and ghastly idea.
Entirely overshadowed by their flowery breath and the fact that they sparkle. Mothereffing ridiculous.
This is hardly the tip of the iceberg, but I'm trying to spare you at least a little.(less)
1169 likes · like · see review
Sep 03, 2011
Sarah
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
no one, not even my worst enemy
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it,
click here.
Okay, I have to say that I picked this book up partly due to all the hype (and partly because it's involved two of my favorite genres)... I mean, so many people had recommended it to me and I finally got sick of hearing about it, so I picked it up and read it... or as least tried to.
Let me first say that I am a huge romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.
But, I really regret ever buy...more Okay, I have to say that I picked this book up partly due to all the hype (and partly because it's involved two of my favorite genres)... I mean, so many people had recommended it to me and I finally got sick of hearing about it, so I picked it up and read it... or as least tried to.
Let me first say that I am a huge romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.
But, I really regret ever buying and forcing myself to finish it (I hate not finishing books, even if I hate them), it was so bad. Though, let me tell you that I really wanted to like it, really I did... I'm one of those people who likes a lot of popular things, Twilight was popular, so I figured... I would love it just like everyone else, but I was very, very wrong.
A lot of fans wonder why I hate the book so much and here is my list and it's a pretty long one, so get ready:
1. Lack of characterization:
Bella- Okay... I absolutely hated this girl. She was the worst female protagonist I have ever read about! She's stupid, shallow, selfish and just plain annoying! Not to mention she's pathetically dependent on Edward... I mean, come on, NO girl should be that dependent on a boy, not only is that pathetic, but it is very unhealthy. She was also a clumsy little damsel in distress who was dumb enough to get herself into situations that she couldn't get out of. I would have loved for Meyer to have given her a backbone, so she could have done something useful instead of whining and doing stupid, idiotic things that no remotely intelligent teenage girl would actually do. Not to mention the fact that she is apparently very "plain" looking... if that's the case then why are there several guys fawning over her? (And, according to Meyer, one of them is a teacher... um, ew). Bella is a Mary Sue, simple as that. And I hate Mary Sues.
Edward- Okay, this boy is just way too possessive and stalkerish (it is not romantic of him to sneak into Bella's room and watch her sleep! It's creepy and wrong!) Oh, and "bad boys" usually don't sit there and say "I'm dangerous, stay away" etc. all the time... I also hated the fact that Bella described some part of his body every other page. It was completely UNNECESSARY!! Okay, we get the fact that he's hot, Bella... now MOVE ON!
I could go on and on about all the characters... every single one of them was a flat, cardboard cut-out that did not seem realistic at all.
2. Writing style:
Purple Prose- Ew... to this... seriously, all the purple prose made me want to throw the book across the room. Enough said.
3. Descriptions:
I know I said up there that I got sick of reading about how gorgeous some part of Edward's body was every other paragraph... and if that wasn't bad enough... what's worse than is the fact that even with all that unnecessary description of him and everyone else (though mostly him, since Bella is that shallow) I still had a hard time picturing him or any of the characters in my head, for that matter. I also had a hard time picturing a lot of the setting and the action in my head as well. It's kind of sad really... there was so much description, you would think that everything (Edward especially) would be embedded into my brain, but no. That's what makes me wonder why so many fans find Edward so "hot", I never got a clear picture of him in my head to even begin to form an opinion about whether he was "hot" or not.
Seriously, Meyer completely abused the dictionary and the thesaurus while writing this book (so much so that I think she should never be allowed to look at either one ever again)... there are so many big descriptive words used that could be replaced by smaller words that look and sound better. Half the time the words that she does use doesn't really go with what she's trying to say. Simply put: Stephenie Meyer is a moron and doesn't know that when writing you are supposed to use the thesaurus sparingly (aka: only when it is truly needed and not any time you damn well please), it really ruins everything if it's used too much... as Meyer has perfectly portrayed with this atrocious book.
4. Plot:
Okay, the plot gets it's own category because it pissed me off so much. I mean, seriously... where was it?! It was nothing but sappy, gag worthy fluff between Edward and Bella until page 400 or so, when something finally happened. And, even then... it went by so fast and was not explained well at all (since Bella conveniently fainted during it, which is such a cop out). It seemed to me that Meyer just threw it in there, and it was only put there in the first place, so that she could point at it and say, "Look, there's a plot right there.", when people like me came around and said otherwise. But that's not a plot!! The plot should not take 400 pages to start! And no the whole "romance" between Bella and Edward is not the plot! This is especially the case since we knew from the beginning... thanks to the moronic give away on the back cover that states that Bella and Edward were going to fall in love... speaking of that, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to give away the fact that Edward was a vampire on the back cover?! I mean... really?! That took away any suspense/mystery the book might have had for the reader about what he was... so, while Bella was stupidly wondering what he was, I was sitting there yelling at her for being such a moron and not seeing what was right in front of her.
5. Plot holes
The one thing that drove me absolutely CRAZY was the the fact that no one in the small town of Forks noticed that the Cullens never aged! And the "children" never graduated and went on to college. I mean, if they've been there for more than four years, than I'm assuming that someone would have noticed! I mean, the town could not be full of that many morons! (Okay... I've been told several times that Cullens have only been living in Forks for about two years... I guess all the purple prose distracted me from reading and remembering that little detail...) Speaking of school, why in the world would they willingly choose to take high school over and over again? Especially since they all have several college degrees (which leads me to wonder why, since they are so "human loving" they can't do something useful with their education like Carlisle, instead of sitting on their butts all day and just being useless) I know they need to "fit in", but seriously.. . that's just stupid... they could always pretend that they're home schooled (it's not that uncommon these days). Since that's how the Cullens fit into society, that means they have to move every four or five years to avoid suspicion, right? Wow... that must really suck. However, they wouldn't have to do that if they didn't put the younger ones in school since if they were in the workforce (and being useful to society) then they could stay for a lot longer before people started wondering why they don't age. But, I think I know why Edward and his "siblings" tortured themselves day after day by going to high school... Stephenie Meyer wasn't creative enough to come up with any other way for Edward and Bella to meet. It would have made more sense for them to have been neighbors or something. I can come up with several nice ideas about how that would have turned out and it would have been much better.
I've been told that there are more, but those are the two that really bugged me. Though, I love the fans response to the mention of any plot hole (the rabid ones, not the sane ones, of course). It usually goes like this: "Well it is a fictional vampire book." That's a stupid reason. Just because it's a book with vampires doesn't mean it's exempt from having to be realistic and not having glaring plot holes.
I've also been told that there are even more in later books, but I'm not about to torture myself by reading the rest of the series just to find them and list them... I have better things to do with my time... like reading books that are actually good and not a waste of my time or money.
6. Vampires
Like I said before, I'm a big vampire fan. But, this book is an embarrassment to vampire fiction. The vampires are pathetic, sweet, innocent, almost "misunderstood" creatures. I know that Meyer has every right to create her own idea about vampires. And, to be honest, I was okay with her idea about vampires until they started sparkling. VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE! To have them sparkle takes away the evilness of the myth of the creatures (since, they are creatures of the devil...at least, originally, they were). Evil creatures do not sparkle, the idea's laughable at best. Most normal people are not scared of something that sparkles in the sun. I mean, I know if I saw someone sparkling; I would not immediately think "vampire" and run. Not only because I don't associate sparkling with vampires, but also because how the hell is sparkling evil or scary?! By the way, the whole sparkling vampire idea just seemed to be there because Meyer wanted a reason as to why the vampires could even walk around in the daylight to begin with. The idea was just a convenient way for her to write the vampires. Since, she's incapable of coming up with a better, much more creative idea. I don't mind the fact that they could come out during the day (since that's not unheard of in vampire fiction nowadays), but I wish that Meyer had come up with a better idea that didn't make me laugh uncontrollably at the thought.
All the other myths about vampires are nonexistent. Holy water and garlic won't bother them (just like the sun), stake through the heart won't kill them either, even beheading them won't get rid of them. She made her vampires practically invincible (which is annoying). The only way to really kill one of her vampires is to rip it apart and burn the pieces or to blow it up. Two things that a human would have a hard time doing... which, makes me wonder why, if they're so invincible, they live in secrecy? Especially since (from my knowledge) most vampires don't live like the Cullens, they could careless about humans. If most other vampires were so cruel, why don't they come out to humanity and take over? It makes a lot more sense since a mere human would have a very difficult time killing just one vampire. The fact that they had no weaknesses annoyed the crap out of me. Along with being almost invincible, they all had these special "powers", but they didn't have the bad side effects with them, only the good. All in all, her vampires were perfect.
I don't like my vampires to be blood thirsty monsters that kill everything in sight. But, I also don't want them to be so pathetic and innocent either. The only two vampiric qualities that are there are the ones that are well known among everyone: drinking blood (well, sort of since the Cullens are "vegetarian" vampires; an idea that seriously made me laugh) and being immortal. Otherwise, the Cullens are disgustingly human like.
I think the thing I have the problem with the most is the fact that Meyer has never seen any vampire movies/t.v. shows or read any vampire novels. There's this saying in regards to writing: "Write what you know". Stephenie Meyer knew nothing about vampires when she wrote this horrible excuse for a vampire novel (which is probably why it was so awful in comparison to other vampire novels, whether those books are in the romance section of the bookstore or the horror/sci-fi section). A good author always does their research (whether it's fiction or non-fiction is irrelevant). This doesn't mean that she needed to go by the other myths, it just means that she should have done a little research to see what she was getting herself into. If she had done this, I would have been able to respect her ideas more because at least then she would have done her research.
Where the vampires are concerned, this novel is an embarrassment to vampire/supernatural fiction.
7. Messages
I am somewhat appalled at the messages that this book sends out.. they are so anti-feminist, it's disgusting:
1. It's perfectly okay to have no goals or aspirations or even an education, just get yourself a man and he'll take care of you. (All Bella wants is to be with Edward, some aspirations, huh?)
2. It's also perfectly okay to like someone because of their physical features... this is not love people, it's lust! They have nothing in common! He likes her because she smells nice and she likes him because he's hot. (Bella goes on and on and on about how hot some part of Edward is every other page)
3. When you have several guys fawning over you pick the hottest one of them all because looks are so very important. (Mike and Eric pretty much say the same thing to Bella on her first day of school, but she's nicer to Mike than Eric because the latter wasn't very attractive. Also, she picks Edward because of his looks as well)
4. It's okay if the guy you love sneaks into your bedroom and watches you sleep at night (before you even know him all that well)... that's completely normal and romantic... not the the least bit creepy or stalkerish. (It's completely disgusting to hear girls talk about this. They swoon and gush about how romantic it is... seriously, what is wrong with people these days?!)
5. It is perfectly okay to become completely obsessed with your boyfriend and depend on him for everything.(Bella's obsession and dependence on Edward sets feminism back a couple hundred years or so)
6. It also teaches that not only is it okay to change yourself for a guy, but it's also okay to give up EVERYTHING for him as well. (Bella wants to become a vampire and leave her family and friends to be with Edward. What. The. Hell.)
7. Your life is not complete until you find a man. (This is nothing but a LIE. Girls do not need a man to be complete)
Like with the plot holes, I've been told that there are many more terrible messages in later books and once again, I'm not about to go out and read the books. However, I will say this... from what I've heard, they sound worse than the ones I've already listed.
8. The Obsession:
Well, this gets its own category, mostly because I just don't understand what all the obsession is over... it's a book, and a poorly written one at that. I run across girls all the time arguing over who Edward "belongs" to... it's pathetic and kind of scary. He's a book character... he doesn't belong to anyone, but Meyer, since she's the one who created him.
I also hate the fact that I can't go into the book store now without being bombarded with a huge display dedicated to this crappy series... makes me sick to see such praise and popularity for a mediocre book series when there are so much better authors out there that are virtually ignored since they write real fiction and none of this poorly written wish fulfillment fantasy crap.
This was obviously a fulfillment story that I would expect a preteen to write on her livejournal. This is not a book I would expect a thirty something year old woman with a college education to write and actually attempt and then succeed in getting published. And, it was a degree in English... seriously, I would have expected much better from someone who had that degree... since she spent college studying books and analyzing them etc. you would think that she would know how to write one the proper way...
Meyer could have made this book great, but no... instead she took the easy way out: a cliched, simple, overused plot and added vampires to it(as if that made it any different).
Honestly, I've read better over on fictionpress.com... and that's really sad, because most of the authors over there are between the ages of 14 and 26 and are amateurs in the field. Maybe, if Meyer had posted this up there first, it would have been a much better story because the good writers over there would have set her straight. Maybe then, I would have been able to get through the novel, because it might have actually been good!
And, oh just for the record... Twilight is NOT the next Harry Potter, nor is it better than Harry Potter... I say that not only because JK Rowling actually has talent, but also because they are in completely different genres and can't really be compared.
Though, it does make me sick to see Harry Potter even mentioned in the same sentence as this piece of crap... (unfortunately, that couldn't be avoided in this review) and it's an insult to JK Rowling to have her amazing writing compared to the horrible writing of Stephenie Meyer.
EDIT: I found this site, and thought I should share with everyone: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.c...
The creator of the above site has scanned copies of the Twilight books on to her computer and has taken it upon herself to point out the many issues that the books have (these are mostly grammatical in nature). If you are a fangirl who believes that Twilight is perfect and has no flaws then you should really take a look at this.(less)
Let me first say that I am a huge romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.
But, I really regret ever buy...more Okay, I have to say that I picked this book up partly due to all the hype (and partly because it's involved two of my favorite genres)... I mean, so many people had recommended it to me and I finally got sick of hearing about it, so I picked it up and read it... or as least tried to.
Let me first say that I am a huge romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.
But, I really regret ever buying and forcing myself to finish it (I hate not finishing books, even if I hate them), it was so bad. Though, let me tell you that I really wanted to like it, really I did... I'm one of those people who likes a lot of popular things, Twilight was popular, so I figured... I would love it just like everyone else, but I was very, very wrong.
A lot of fans wonder why I hate the book so much and here is my list and it's a pretty long one, so get ready:
1. Lack of characterization:
Bella- Okay... I absolutely hated this girl. She was the worst female protagonist I have ever read about! She's stupid, shallow, selfish and just plain annoying! Not to mention she's pathetically dependent on Edward... I mean, come on, NO girl should be that dependent on a boy, not only is that pathetic, but it is very unhealthy. She was also a clumsy little damsel in distress who was dumb enough to get herself into situations that she couldn't get out of. I would have loved for Meyer to have given her a backbone, so she could have done something useful instead of whining and doing stupid, idiotic things that no remotely intelligent teenage girl would actually do. Not to mention the fact that she is apparently very "plain" looking... if that's the case then why are there several guys fawning over her? (And, according to Meyer, one of them is a teacher... um, ew). Bella is a Mary Sue, simple as that. And I hate Mary Sues.
Edward- Okay, this boy is just way too possessive and stalkerish (it is not romantic of him to sneak into Bella's room and watch her sleep! It's creepy and wrong!) Oh, and "bad boys" usually don't sit there and say "I'm dangerous, stay away" etc. all the time... I also hated the fact that Bella described some part of his body every other page. It was completely UNNECESSARY!! Okay, we get the fact that he's hot, Bella... now MOVE ON!
I could go on and on about all the characters... every single one of them was a flat, cardboard cut-out that did not seem realistic at all.
2. Writing style:
Purple Prose- Ew... to this... seriously, all the purple prose made me want to throw the book across the room. Enough said.
3. Descriptions:
I know I said up there that I got sick of reading about how gorgeous some part of Edward's body was every other paragraph... and if that wasn't bad enough... what's worse than is the fact that even with all that unnecessary description of him and everyone else (though mostly him, since Bella is that shallow) I still had a hard time picturing him or any of the characters in my head, for that matter. I also had a hard time picturing a lot of the setting and the action in my head as well. It's kind of sad really... there was so much description, you would think that everything (Edward especially) would be embedded into my brain, but no. That's what makes me wonder why so many fans find Edward so "hot", I never got a clear picture of him in my head to even begin to form an opinion about whether he was "hot" or not.
Seriously, Meyer completely abused the dictionary and the thesaurus while writing this book (so much so that I think she should never be allowed to look at either one ever again)... there are so many big descriptive words used that could be replaced by smaller words that look and sound better. Half the time the words that she does use doesn't really go with what she's trying to say. Simply put: Stephenie Meyer is a moron and doesn't know that when writing you are supposed to use the thesaurus sparingly (aka: only when it is truly needed and not any time you damn well please), it really ruins everything if it's used too much... as Meyer has perfectly portrayed with this atrocious book.
4. Plot:
Okay, the plot gets it's own category because it pissed me off so much. I mean, seriously... where was it?! It was nothing but sappy, gag worthy fluff between Edward and Bella until page 400 or so, when something finally happened. And, even then... it went by so fast and was not explained well at all (since Bella conveniently fainted during it, which is such a cop out). It seemed to me that Meyer just threw it in there, and it was only put there in the first place, so that she could point at it and say, "Look, there's a plot right there.", when people like me came around and said otherwise. But that's not a plot!! The plot should not take 400 pages to start! And no the whole "romance" between Bella and Edward is not the plot! This is especially the case since we knew from the beginning... thanks to the moronic give away on the back cover that states that Bella and Edward were going to fall in love... speaking of that, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to give away the fact that Edward was a vampire on the back cover?! I mean... really?! That took away any suspense/mystery the book might have had for the reader about what he was... so, while Bella was stupidly wondering what he was, I was sitting there yelling at her for being such a moron and not seeing what was right in front of her.
5. Plot holes
The one thing that drove me absolutely CRAZY was the the fact that no one in the small town of Forks noticed that the Cullens never aged! And the "children" never graduated and went on to college. I mean, if they've been there for more than four years, than I'm assuming that someone would have noticed! I mean, the town could not be full of that many morons! (Okay... I've been told several times that Cullens have only been living in Forks for about two years... I guess all the purple prose distracted me from reading and remembering that little detail...) Speaking of school, why in the world would they willingly choose to take high school over and over again? Especially since they all have several college degrees (which leads me to wonder why, since they are so "human loving" they can't do something useful with their education like Carlisle, instead of sitting on their butts all day and just being useless) I know they need to "fit in", but seriously.. . that's just stupid... they could always pretend that they're home schooled (it's not that uncommon these days). Since that's how the Cullens fit into society, that means they have to move every four or five years to avoid suspicion, right? Wow... that must really suck. However, they wouldn't have to do that if they didn't put the younger ones in school since if they were in the workforce (and being useful to society) then they could stay for a lot longer before people started wondering why they don't age. But, I think I know why Edward and his "siblings" tortured themselves day after day by going to high school... Stephenie Meyer wasn't creative enough to come up with any other way for Edward and Bella to meet. It would have made more sense for them to have been neighbors or something. I can come up with several nice ideas about how that would have turned out and it would have been much better.
I've been told that there are more, but those are the two that really bugged me. Though, I love the fans response to the mention of any plot hole (the rabid ones, not the sane ones, of course). It usually goes like this: "Well it is a fictional vampire book." That's a stupid reason. Just because it's a book with vampires doesn't mean it's exempt from having to be realistic and not having glaring plot holes.
I've also been told that there are even more in later books, but I'm not about to torture myself by reading the rest of the series just to find them and list them... I have better things to do with my time... like reading books that are actually good and not a waste of my time or money.
6. Vampires
Like I said before, I'm a big vampire fan. But, this book is an embarrassment to vampire fiction. The vampires are pathetic, sweet, innocent, almost "misunderstood" creatures. I know that Meyer has every right to create her own idea about vampires. And, to be honest, I was okay with her idea about vampires until they started sparkling. VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE! To have them sparkle takes away the evilness of the myth of the creatures (since, they are creatures of the devil...at least, originally, they were). Evil creatures do not sparkle, the idea's laughable at best. Most normal people are not scared of something that sparkles in the sun. I mean, I know if I saw someone sparkling; I would not immediately think "vampire" and run. Not only because I don't associate sparkling with vampires, but also because how the hell is sparkling evil or scary?! By the way, the whole sparkling vampire idea just seemed to be there because Meyer wanted a reason as to why the vampires could even walk around in the daylight to begin with. The idea was just a convenient way for her to write the vampires. Since, she's incapable of coming up with a better, much more creative idea. I don't mind the fact that they could come out during the day (since that's not unheard of in vampire fiction nowadays), but I wish that Meyer had come up with a better idea that didn't make me laugh uncontrollably at the thought.
All the other myths about vampires are nonexistent. Holy water and garlic won't bother them (just like the sun), stake through the heart won't kill them either, even beheading them won't get rid of them. She made her vampires practically invincible (which is annoying). The only way to really kill one of her vampires is to rip it apart and burn the pieces or to blow it up. Two things that a human would have a hard time doing... which, makes me wonder why, if they're so invincible, they live in secrecy? Especially since (from my knowledge) most vampires don't live like the Cullens, they could careless about humans. If most other vampires were so cruel, why don't they come out to humanity and take over? It makes a lot more sense since a mere human would have a very difficult time killing just one vampire. The fact that they had no weaknesses annoyed the crap out of me. Along with being almost invincible, they all had these special "powers", but they didn't have the bad side effects with them, only the good. All in all, her vampires were perfect.
I don't like my vampires to be blood thirsty monsters that kill everything in sight. But, I also don't want them to be so pathetic and innocent either. The only two vampiric qualities that are there are the ones that are well known among everyone: drinking blood (well, sort of since the Cullens are "vegetarian" vampires; an idea that seriously made me laugh) and being immortal. Otherwise, the Cullens are disgustingly human like.
I think the thing I have the problem with the most is the fact that Meyer has never seen any vampire movies/t.v. shows or read any vampire novels. There's this saying in regards to writing: "Write what you know". Stephenie Meyer knew nothing about vampires when she wrote this horrible excuse for a vampire novel (which is probably why it was so awful in comparison to other vampire novels, whether those books are in the romance section of the bookstore or the horror/sci-fi section). A good author always does their research (whether it's fiction or non-fiction is irrelevant). This doesn't mean that she needed to go by the other myths, it just means that she should have done a little research to see what she was getting herself into. If she had done this, I would have been able to respect her ideas more because at least then she would have done her research.
Where the vampires are concerned, this novel is an embarrassment to vampire/supernatural fiction.
7. Messages
I am somewhat appalled at the messages that this book sends out.. they are so anti-feminist, it's disgusting:
1. It's perfectly okay to have no goals or aspirations or even an education, just get yourself a man and he'll take care of you. (All Bella wants is to be with Edward, some aspirations, huh?)
2. It's also perfectly okay to like someone because of their physical features... this is not love people, it's lust! They have nothing in common! He likes her because she smells nice and she likes him because he's hot. (Bella goes on and on and on about how hot some part of Edward is every other page)
3. When you have several guys fawning over you pick the hottest one of them all because looks are so very important. (Mike and Eric pretty much say the same thing to Bella on her first day of school, but she's nicer to Mike than Eric because the latter wasn't very attractive. Also, she picks Edward because of his looks as well)
4. It's okay if the guy you love sneaks into your bedroom and watches you sleep at night (before you even know him all that well)... that's completely normal and romantic... not the the least bit creepy or stalkerish. (It's completely disgusting to hear girls talk about this. They swoon and gush about how romantic it is... seriously, what is wrong with people these days?!)
5. It is perfectly okay to become completely obsessed with your boyfriend and depend on him for everything.(Bella's obsession and dependence on Edward sets feminism back a couple hundred years or so)
6. It also teaches that not only is it okay to change yourself for a guy, but it's also okay to give up EVERYTHING for him as well. (Bella wants to become a vampire and leave her family and friends to be with Edward. What. The. Hell.)
7. Your life is not complete until you find a man. (This is nothing but a LIE. Girls do not need a man to be complete)
Like with the plot holes, I've been told that there are many more terrible messages in later books and once again, I'm not about to go out and read the books. However, I will say this... from what I've heard, they sound worse than the ones I've already listed.
8. The Obsession:
Well, this gets its own category, mostly because I just don't understand what all the obsession is over... it's a book, and a poorly written one at that. I run across girls all the time arguing over who Edward "belongs" to... it's pathetic and kind of scary. He's a book character... he doesn't belong to anyone, but Meyer, since she's the one who created him.
I also hate the fact that I can't go into the book store now without being bombarded with a huge display dedicated to this crappy series... makes me sick to see such praise and popularity for a mediocre book series when there are so much better authors out there that are virtually ignored since they write real fiction and none of this poorly written wish fulfillment fantasy crap.
This was obviously a fulfillment story that I would expect a preteen to write on her livejournal. This is not a book I would expect a thirty something year old woman with a college education to write and actually attempt and then succeed in getting published. And, it was a degree in English... seriously, I would have expected much better from someone who had that degree... since she spent college studying books and analyzing them etc. you would think that she would know how to write one the proper way...
Meyer could have made this book great, but no... instead she took the easy way out: a cliched, simple, overused plot and added vampires to it(as if that made it any different).
Honestly, I've read better over on fictionpress.com... and that's really sad, because most of the authors over there are between the ages of 14 and 26 and are amateurs in the field. Maybe, if Meyer had posted this up there first, it would have been a much better story because the good writers over there would have set her straight. Maybe then, I would have been able to get through the novel, because it might have actually been good!
And, oh just for the record... Twilight is NOT the next Harry Potter, nor is it better than Harry Potter... I say that not only because JK Rowling actually has talent, but also because they are in completely different genres and can't really be compared.
Though, it does make me sick to see Harry Potter even mentioned in the same sentence as this piece of crap... (unfortunately, that couldn't be avoided in this review) and it's an insult to JK Rowling to have her amazing writing compared to the horrible writing of Stephenie Meyer.
EDIT: I found this site, and thought I should share with everyone: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.c...
The creator of the above site has scanned copies of the Twilight books on to her computer and has taken it upon herself to point out the many issues that the books have (these are mostly grammatical in nature). If you are a fangirl who believes that Twilight is perfect and has no flaws then you should really take a look at this.(less)
1970 likes · like · see review
Sarah
Tyler wrote: "You're single aren't you
Sect.7, paragraph 7"
Excuse me?
What does my relationship status have to do with my opinion about a book?
The main...more Tyler wrote: "You're single aren't you
Sect.7, paragraph 7"
Excuse me?
What does my relationship status have to do with my opinion about a book?
The main message this books sends out to young girls is that you are not complete without a man and that you are incapable of taking care of yourself without one. Basically, it says to all the young girls that they need a man in their life. This is a lie. If a girl decides to never get married than that is okay. She doesn't need a man to make her life complete or to take care of her. Girls are just as capable of taking care of themselves as men.
Seriously, your comment was rude and uncalled for and adds absolutely NOTHING to a discussion about my review. It was a personal attack on me and I don't appreciate it at all. If you have nothing to say about my actual review, than please don't say anything at all since you do nothing but make yourself look ignorant and present yourself to be someone who is unable to accept other opinions that are different from your own and who then has to resort to personal attacks on people to make you feel better about yourself and your opinion.
And, just so you know... I DO have a boyfriend. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. I'm with him because I LOVE him, not because I feel like I need him to take care of me. We have a mutual relationship. We both agree to be equal in the relationship. We don't let each other walk over the other, like Bella clearly lets Edward do. We have something called a healthy relationship, which I can guarantee that Bella and Edward do not have.(less)
Jun 15, 2013 10:08pm
Sect.7, paragraph 7"
Excuse me?
What does my relationship status have to do with my opinion about a book?
The main...more Tyler wrote: "You're single aren't you
Sect.7, paragraph 7"
Excuse me?
What does my relationship status have to do with my opinion about a book?
The main message this books sends out to young girls is that you are not complete without a man and that you are incapable of taking care of yourself without one. Basically, it says to all the young girls that they need a man in their life. This is a lie. If a girl decides to never get married than that is okay. She doesn't need a man to make her life complete or to take care of her. Girls are just as capable of taking care of themselves as men.
Seriously, your comment was rude and uncalled for and adds absolutely NOTHING to a discussion about my review. It was a personal attack on me and I don't appreciate it at all. If you have nothing to say about my actual review, than please don't say anything at all since you do nothing but make yourself look ignorant and present yourself to be someone who is unable to accept other opinions that are different from your own and who then has to resort to personal attacks on people to make you feel better about yourself and your opinion.
And, just so you know... I DO have a boyfriend. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. I'm with him because I LOVE him, not because I feel like I need him to take care of me. We have a mutual relationship. We both agree to be equal in the relationship. We don't let each other walk over the other, like Bella clearly lets Edward do. We have something called a healthy relationship, which I can guarantee that Bella and Edward do not have.(less)
Jun 15, 2013 10:08pm
I actually had to give this book three separate reviews by three sides of my personality. My three-star rating is the median of the three:
Review 1, by My Inner Fifteen Year Old Girl (5 stars):
Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillm...more I actually had to give this book three separate reviews by three sides of my personality. My three-star rating is the median of the three:
Review 1, by My Inner Fifteen Year Old Girl (5 stars):
Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy -- what's not to like? Meyers can make your heart speed up with some of the tense, tortured "we must be together/no, what if i hurt you" pg-13 erotica.
Review 2, by My Fan of YA Lit (3 Stars):
Meyers can tell a pretty good story, when she lets herself actually tell it -- the book starts out well, and would have been a bit more interesting if I hadn't known he was a vampire all along. Then it slows down during the long "getting to know you" dialogue exchanges between Edward and Bella -- there's no plot, just back-story and exposition disguised as conversations, and far too many "I can't be with you, I don't want to hurt you!" "But I love you, I don't care about danger!" back-and-forths. When the evil vamps show up, however, the story kicks back in and the end is quite exciting. When Meyers isn't dwelling on how perfectly angelic Edward is (again!) she can get the pages turning. Since there are A LOT of pages to turn, I wish she would have infused that urgency into the story more often. While abandoning most of the conventional cliches of vampire-lore (stakes, sunlight, garlic, coffins) she keeps all the modern-vamp-romance cliches (alabaster skin, good hair, expensive taste in clothes, tragically distant), and adds a few of her own unfortunate twists (vampires avoid the sun because it makes them sparkle, the good-vamp clan play some extreme version of baseball in a scene that was far too Quidich-y for my taste). Too many cliches or trying to hard to be original -- somehow both criticisms are accurate.
Review 3, by My Inner Feminist (1 Star):
Meyers describes Bella as being strong, brave, and independent, but then shows her as a spineless, cowering victim who needs to be saved by her violently jealous and over-protective boyfriend. She constantly goes on and on about how Edward is perfect at everything and how he's so gorgeous and she is so unworthy of him, how he's so strong and he protects her. In fact, she never gives any reason for liking him other than how hot he is, but that's fair because Edward never gives a reason for liking her other than she smells good. He is frustrated that Bella is the only person whose thoughts he can't read, so he eavesdrops on her friends minds to find out what they talk about, he follows her whenever she leaves her house, and he secretly camps outside her room when she sleeps - that doesn't sound sweet, it sounds creepy. If girls want a romantic, conflicted vampire/human romance, they should go watch the firs three seasons of Buffy -- not only is there the dark, mysterious, conflicted vampire, but the girl he's in love with can kick some serious ass all on her own.(less)
Review 1, by My Inner Fifteen Year Old Girl (5 stars):
Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillm...more I actually had to give this book three separate reviews by three sides of my personality. My three-star rating is the median of the three:
Review 1, by My Inner Fifteen Year Old Girl (5 stars):
Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy -- what's not to like? Meyers can make your heart speed up with some of the tense, tortured "we must be together/no, what if i hurt you" pg-13 erotica.
Review 2, by My Fan of YA Lit (3 Stars):
Meyers can tell a pretty good story, when she lets herself actually tell it -- the book starts out well, and would have been a bit more interesting if I hadn't known he was a vampire all along. Then it slows down during the long "getting to know you" dialogue exchanges between Edward and Bella -- there's no plot, just back-story and exposition disguised as conversations, and far too many "I can't be with you, I don't want to hurt you!" "But I love you, I don't care about danger!" back-and-forths. When the evil vamps show up, however, the story kicks back in and the end is quite exciting. When Meyers isn't dwelling on how perfectly angelic Edward is (again!) she can get the pages turning. Since there are A LOT of pages to turn, I wish she would have infused that urgency into the story more often. While abandoning most of the conventional cliches of vampire-lore (stakes, sunlight, garlic, coffins) she keeps all the modern-vamp-romance cliches (alabaster skin, good hair, expensive taste in clothes, tragically distant), and adds a few of her own unfortunate twists (vampires avoid the sun because it makes them sparkle, the good-vamp clan play some extreme version of baseball in a scene that was far too Quidich-y for my taste). Too many cliches or trying to hard to be original -- somehow both criticisms are accurate.
Review 3, by My Inner Feminist (1 Star):
Meyers describes Bella as being strong, brave, and independent, but then shows her as a spineless, cowering victim who needs to be saved by her violently jealous and over-protective boyfriend. She constantly goes on and on about how Edward is perfect at everything and how he's so gorgeous and she is so unworthy of him, how he's so strong and he protects her. In fact, she never gives any reason for liking him other than how hot he is, but that's fair because Edward never gives a reason for liking her other than she smells good. He is frustrated that Bella is the only person whose thoughts he can't read, so he eavesdrops on her friends minds to find out what they talk about, he follows her whenever she leaves her house, and he secretly camps outside her room when she sleeps - that doesn't sound sweet, it sounds creepy. If girls want a romantic, conflicted vampire/human romance, they should go watch the firs three seasons of Buffy -- not only is there the dark, mysterious, conflicted vampire, but the girl he's in love with can kick some serious ass all on her own.(less)
1421 likes · like · see review
Hannah
This is kind of totally how I feel. I am re-reading part 1 of the saga, and I recognize that my 16 year old self was fan-girling over this(Edwards ama...more
This is kind of totally how I feel. I am re-reading part 1 of the saga, and I recognize that my 16 year old self was fan-girling over this(Edwards amazingness, that still takes over sometimes) but my 19 year old self discovers the weird spineless Bella-figure, who's supposed to be a strong, independent 16 year old girl, who has no fear of vampires at all. Although I must say, - and my 15 year old self kicks in again - I can recognize myself in her thinking: 'he can't read my mind? Oh dang, I must be crazy.' And 'What if they don't like me.' 'You're about to go into a house full of vampires, and you are worried that they won't like you.'
Those things.. as a young girl you want to think that. Something else I only just discovered is how creepy Edward is. He suddenly sits alone in the cafeteria and 'seduces' Bella to get over there and to come sit with him.. I mean, thats just weird. And another thing. Its cute and all, but he isn't seventeen, for goodness sake, he's like what? A hundred and 17 or something. And it's very annoying to constantly hear him worrying about Bella getting into shock. Don't you get it Edward, she's a big girl already. She can handle some hot piece if vampire. Sometimes it looks like Meyers is just a young girl in high-school who had some pretty sick writing skills and writes a pretty awesome fan-fiction of some sort. And sometimes it looks like she's a real young adult writing who can bring a beautiful 'every-girls-dream' story to life, from the brain of a very nerdy and lovely and pretty weird-minded, vampire-loving teen-girl. Soooo yeah, that's my view ob things. Wow. I needed this out of me. Okay. Bye !(less)
Jun 10, 2013 02:53pm
Those things.. as a young girl you want to think that. Something else I only just discovered is how creepy Edward is. He suddenly sits alone in the cafeteria and 'seduces' Bella to get over there and to come sit with him.. I mean, thats just weird. And another thing. Its cute and all, but he isn't seventeen, for goodness sake, he's like what? A hundred and 17 or something. And it's very annoying to constantly hear him worrying about Bella getting into shock. Don't you get it Edward, she's a big girl already. She can handle some hot piece if vampire. Sometimes it looks like Meyers is just a young girl in high-school who had some pretty sick writing skills and writes a pretty awesome fan-fiction of some sort. And sometimes it looks like she's a real young adult writing who can bring a beautiful 'every-girls-dream' story to life, from the brain of a very nerdy and lovely and pretty weird-minded, vampire-loving teen-girl. Soooo yeah, that's my view ob things. Wow. I needed this out of me. Okay. Bye !(less)
Jun 10, 2013 02:53pm
I really enjoy lively details. There's nothing better than knowing an author has really thought about her characters and situations, and come up with some surprising and delightful detail that makes the whole reading experience fuller. Lively details, you understand -- pointless details are a nightmare to read. I don't need to know that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast. I REALLY DON'T. (Notice that I remembered the granola bar. I think this is partly because I was fervently hoping it would...more
I really enjoy lively details. There's nothing better than knowing an author has really thought about her characters and situations, and come up with some surprising and delightful detail that makes the whole reading experience fuller. Lively details, you understand -- pointless details are a nightmare to read. I don't need to know that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast. I REALLY DON'T. (Notice that I remembered the granola bar. I think this is partly because I was fervently hoping it would have significance. Like, she would spectacularly choke on her oatmeal the next day and think, "AH, I should have had a granola bar like yesterday!")
"Show, don't tell" is not the be-all-and-end-all of writing. There's a little thing called summary narrative. It's beautiful; it facilitates plot progression without having to follow your narrator through 24-fucking-hours of a day... and "watch" as she eats a fucking granola bar for breakfast.
I've seen this novel accused of Mary Sue-ism and um, yeah, any character named Isabella Swan seems destined to be a Mary Sue. But honestly, I wouldn't begrudge a semi-autobiographical story if it actually had any of the realism of autobiography. All the high school/teenage stuff honestly made me boggle. Because... that's not what high school is like! That's not what being seventeen is like! Twilight reads like... well, it reads like a thirtysomething who has no recollection of being 17. Bella has all the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old and that's just not remotely believable.
Meyer is not a bad writer. She has the ability to string words together. Unfortunately, she lacks any kind of flair. There was no original description; no truly evocative language. Twilight reads like Meyer has read a lot of mediocre novels and regurgitated the same kind of language onto the page. There is just nothing exciting to the language. The dialogue is awful: not only uninspiring and lacking in wit, but... it's all the same! There's no difference in speech patterns to the characters; no awareness of personal tics. The characterization is wafer-thin (see above, re: Mary Sue). The plotting is terrible: the novel trundles along at a slow pace for 250 pages and then Meyer seems to suddenly realize she needs a climax and the gears shift abruptly and the reader is caught up in a series of ridiculous contrivances that set up Meyer's final set-piece (which, by the way, I saw coming a mile away).
This is such a profoundly antifeminist novel. And it's funny, because I think Meyer has no idea that it's antifeminist. I mean, she has a female heroine! A heroine who reads Austen and writes essays about misogyny in Shakespeare! Surely she's kicking butt for all womankind. Um... no. She cooks, she cleans, she looks after the man in her life! She needs male characters to protect her from the big, bad, scary world! She falls headfirst into a disturbingly dysfunctional relationship with a man 90 years her senior without the slightest amount of worry!
Seriously. Bella/Edward. What's that all about? I don't get the attraction. He has her in his thrall. She is, let me quote, "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with him -- and after, like, a week. o__O She's consumed by him; she's willing to sacrifice her life for him, and that's... romantic? I just think it's a bit sick, really. You know what I find romantic? Human warmth. Not sweeping, dramatic statements of everlasting and overarching love. Little, sweet moments of connection that ring true. That's something Twilight's apparently epic love story is sorely lacking in. (Did I say Bella has the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old? Well, except when it comes to Edward. There she has the emotional maturity of a dumb dog.)(less)
"Show, don't tell" is not the be-all-and-end-all of writing. There's a little thing called summary narrative. It's beautiful; it facilitates plot progression without having to follow your narrator through 24-fucking-hours of a day... and "watch" as she eats a fucking granola bar for breakfast.
I've seen this novel accused of Mary Sue-ism and um, yeah, any character named Isabella Swan seems destined to be a Mary Sue. But honestly, I wouldn't begrudge a semi-autobiographical story if it actually had any of the realism of autobiography. All the high school/teenage stuff honestly made me boggle. Because... that's not what high school is like! That's not what being seventeen is like! Twilight reads like... well, it reads like a thirtysomething who has no recollection of being 17. Bella has all the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old and that's just not remotely believable.
Meyer is not a bad writer. She has the ability to string words together. Unfortunately, she lacks any kind of flair. There was no original description; no truly evocative language. Twilight reads like Meyer has read a lot of mediocre novels and regurgitated the same kind of language onto the page. There is just nothing exciting to the language. The dialogue is awful: not only uninspiring and lacking in wit, but... it's all the same! There's no difference in speech patterns to the characters; no awareness of personal tics. The characterization is wafer-thin (see above, re: Mary Sue). The plotting is terrible: the novel trundles along at a slow pace for 250 pages and then Meyer seems to suddenly realize she needs a climax and the gears shift abruptly and the reader is caught up in a series of ridiculous contrivances that set up Meyer's final set-piece (which, by the way, I saw coming a mile away).
This is such a profoundly antifeminist novel. And it's funny, because I think Meyer has no idea that it's antifeminist. I mean, she has a female heroine! A heroine who reads Austen and writes essays about misogyny in Shakespeare! Surely she's kicking butt for all womankind. Um... no. She cooks, she cleans, she looks after the man in her life! She needs male characters to protect her from the big, bad, scary world! She falls headfirst into a disturbingly dysfunctional relationship with a man 90 years her senior without the slightest amount of worry!
Seriously. Bella/Edward. What's that all about? I don't get the attraction. He has her in his thrall. She is, let me quote, "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with him -- and after, like, a week. o__O She's consumed by him; she's willing to sacrifice her life for him, and that's... romantic? I just think it's a bit sick, really. You know what I find romantic? Human warmth. Not sweeping, dramatic statements of everlasting and overarching love. Little, sweet moments of connection that ring true. That's something Twilight's apparently epic love story is sorely lacking in. (Did I say Bella has the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old? Well, except when it comes to Edward. There she has the emotional maturity of a dumb dog.)(less)
1888 likes · like · see review
Kayy
OH GOD!!! i laughed so hard at your comment about the granola bar! hilarious because its true! Thankyou for making this review making it worth wasting...more
OH GOD!!! i laughed so hard at your comment about the granola bar! hilarious because its true! Thankyou for making this review making it worth wasting my time reading the book(less)
Apr 09, 2013 01:49pm
Apr 09, 2013 01:49pm
Jul 09, 2009
Joe
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
idiots, people who enjoy bad dialogue
Shelves:
grad-school-young-adult-lit,
young-adult
Save your time: here's the entirety of Twilight in 20 dialogue snippets & a wiggedy-wack intermission.
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pag...more Save your time: here's the entirety of Twilight in 20 dialogue snippets & a wiggedy-wack intermission.
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pages:
A. VAMPIRE. BASEBALL. GAME.
(I wish I was kidding)
Last 100 pages:
"Help me, Edward! I'm being chased!"
"I'll save you!"
"Help me, Edward! I'm scared!"
"I'll save you!"
"Oh, Edward!"
"You smell good."
(One half star for lack of quality, and one half star for being unintentionally hilarious... especially page 314.)(less)
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pag...more Save your time: here's the entirety of Twilight in 20 dialogue snippets & a wiggedy-wack intermission.
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pages:
A. VAMPIRE. BASEBALL. GAME.
(I wish I was kidding)
Last 100 pages:
"Help me, Edward! I'm being chased!"
"I'll save you!"
"Help me, Edward! I'm scared!"
"I'll save you!"
"Oh, Edward!"
"You smell good."
(One half star for lack of quality, and one half star for being unintentionally hilarious... especially page 314.)(less)
5410 likes · like · see review
Megan
you really should have said something about Jacob and here is what I have to say TEAM JACOB ALL THE WAY!!!
updated 14 hours, 44 min ago
updated 14 hours, 44 min ago
It turns out we don't need Dr. John Gray to tell us that men are from Transylvania and women are from Venus. We just need to read Stephenie Meyer books. For example, from this book we learn that the millions of women who have wolfed down the Twilight series (pun intended) want men who:
1. Talk about their feelings. Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to i...more It turns out we don't need Dr. John Gray to tell us that men are from Transylvania and women are from Venus. We just need to read Stephenie Meyer books. For example, from this book we learn that the millions of women who have wolfed down the Twilight series (pun intended) want men who:
1. Talk about their feelings. Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to imagine a world where men not only have deep emotions but want to admit to having them and talk about them over and over, articulating even the most subtle of their internal dramas.
2. Make them flutter. But just being a sensitive new-age kind of guy doesn't cut it. A man has to be hard-bodied, chiseled, dashing, and have eyes that pierce the soul, if not the skin (even as they never look at your chest). This book suggests that a real man makes you constantly stumble over your words, bite your lip to refrain from exclaiming adulations, and lose yourself in the sweet smell of his breath.
3. Are fiercely devoted. That a girl of no spectacular beauty, who lacks any trace of conversation skills -- whose only virtue is that she smells really yummy -- can inspire an immortal creature of godlike power and grace to alter his entire existence to serve and protect her, watching over her by night (more on that in #4). This is a woman's ultimate fantasy -- to have the perfect man, perfectly devoted, for no good reason at all.
4. Want them so bad that they won't take them. This, alas, is the most transparent aspect of this book's appeal. It speaks volumes about the differences between men and women to have so many women toss their bodice-ripping romances aside in order to read how a feral man with otherworldly physical desires can contain his passion and lust out of his pure and perfect love for his beloved. It says that women really do wish they could have it both ways, to be an object of lust and devotion at once, to fulfill a man's desire without actually slaking his thirst for her. To have a man watch you sleep and not want to have even a little peek under the covers -- now that's hot fantasy for today's woman who is otherwise told on a regular basis that to be her best self she has to enage in casual and risky sexual behavior.
To see just what an indulgent fantasy this book is, just imagine the male-centric version of Twilight, in which a troubled teen boy moves to a small town to find the hottest girl in town is a vampiress. Such a book would be about 100 pages long (all the unnecessary internal dialogue would be removed). No one would talk except to comment on the awesome size of, um, one's videogame library. The vampiress would be simple: relatively dumb, incredibly hot, wearing almost nothing, and with no expectations of her man but drawn to him only by the smell of his gym bag. She wouldn't hold herself back from trying to bite her intended, but would get so distracted with his bedroom technique that she would never get around to it.
We would laugh at such a book (in fact, we know it would never be a book since men don't read; it would be a movie, and it would be a smash summer hit called American Vam-Pie-er, I'll start the screenplay right away). Somehow, when this story is told in a similarly indulgent female-centric vein, we don't reject it, but sympathize with it. I believe this is because women get to indulge in their fantasies so rarely outside of Jane Austen novels while men are surrounded with theirs. So far I have yet see spam email inviting one to "read hot things devoted husbands would say to their wives" or "see pictures of hunks promising not to get nasty out of respect for their women" or "buy this purple pill so you can stay up late and share your feelings -- seven times in one night!." So hats off to Stephenie Meyer for figuring out what it is that women really want and giving it to them.
Finally, a request: Please read my book, Broken Mirror Girl. It is available on Amazon's Kindle (for reading on any device you can think of, including your web browser). If you read it, I'd love to hear your comments on Amazon. I can take it (or I hope I can, after everything I've said about Meyer...).(less)
1. Talk about their feelings. Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to i...more It turns out we don't need Dr. John Gray to tell us that men are from Transylvania and women are from Venus. We just need to read Stephenie Meyer books. For example, from this book we learn that the millions of women who have wolfed down the Twilight series (pun intended) want men who:
1. Talk about their feelings. Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to imagine a world where men not only have deep emotions but want to admit to having them and talk about them over and over, articulating even the most subtle of their internal dramas.
2. Make them flutter. But just being a sensitive new-age kind of guy doesn't cut it. A man has to be hard-bodied, chiseled, dashing, and have eyes that pierce the soul, if not the skin (even as they never look at your chest). This book suggests that a real man makes you constantly stumble over your words, bite your lip to refrain from exclaiming adulations, and lose yourself in the sweet smell of his breath.
3. Are fiercely devoted. That a girl of no spectacular beauty, who lacks any trace of conversation skills -- whose only virtue is that she smells really yummy -- can inspire an immortal creature of godlike power and grace to alter his entire existence to serve and protect her, watching over her by night (more on that in #4). This is a woman's ultimate fantasy -- to have the perfect man, perfectly devoted, for no good reason at all.
4. Want them so bad that they won't take them. This, alas, is the most transparent aspect of this book's appeal. It speaks volumes about the differences between men and women to have so many women toss their bodice-ripping romances aside in order to read how a feral man with otherworldly physical desires can contain his passion and lust out of his pure and perfect love for his beloved. It says that women really do wish they could have it both ways, to be an object of lust and devotion at once, to fulfill a man's desire without actually slaking his thirst for her. To have a man watch you sleep and not want to have even a little peek under the covers -- now that's hot fantasy for today's woman who is otherwise told on a regular basis that to be her best self she has to enage in casual and risky sexual behavior.
To see just what an indulgent fantasy this book is, just imagine the male-centric version of Twilight, in which a troubled teen boy moves to a small town to find the hottest girl in town is a vampiress. Such a book would be about 100 pages long (all the unnecessary internal dialogue would be removed). No one would talk except to comment on the awesome size of, um, one's videogame library. The vampiress would be simple: relatively dumb, incredibly hot, wearing almost nothing, and with no expectations of her man but drawn to him only by the smell of his gym bag. She wouldn't hold herself back from trying to bite her intended, but would get so distracted with his bedroom technique that she would never get around to it.
We would laugh at such a book (in fact, we know it would never be a book since men don't read; it would be a movie, and it would be a smash summer hit called American Vam-Pie-er, I'll start the screenplay right away). Somehow, when this story is told in a similarly indulgent female-centric vein, we don't reject it, but sympathize with it. I believe this is because women get to indulge in their fantasies so rarely outside of Jane Austen novels while men are surrounded with theirs. So far I have yet see spam email inviting one to "read hot things devoted husbands would say to their wives" or "see pictures of hunks promising not to get nasty out of respect for their women" or "buy this purple pill so you can stay up late and share your feelings -- seven times in one night!." So hats off to Stephenie Meyer for figuring out what it is that women really want and giving it to them.
Finally, a request: Please read my book, Broken Mirror Girl. It is available on Amazon's Kindle (for reading on any device you can think of, including your web browser). If you read it, I'd love to hear your comments on Amazon. I can take it (or I hope I can, after everything I've said about Meyer...).(less)
786 likes · like · see review
Blake Nauman
So true. I am a guy that was ruthlessly persuaded to read this book by my girlfriend, and after reading it and this review, i realized why she loves t...more
So true. I am a guy that was ruthlessly persuaded to read this book by my girlfriend, and after reading it and this review, i realized why she loves the series so much. While the book wasnt particularly my cup of tea, I see why women love it. Edward is very emotional. Meyer's does a great job of describing his feelings and how he portrays them. Though i it wasnt for me, this book probably helped me in some ways.(less)
Mar 22, 2013 09:34am
Mar 22, 2013 09:34am
Let me give you an idea of how much my opinion of this book changed at different stages of reading. When I was about a third of the way through, I was so into it that I immediately put my name on the library reservations list for the sequel, and wishlisted every edition on BookMooch. Now, having finished, I doubt I'll bother to read any further in the series. The opening is really quite interesting: Bella moves from sunny Arizona to rainy, gloomy Washington State to live with her father (her som...more
Let me give you an idea of how much my opinion of this book changed at different stages of reading. When I was about a third of the way through, I was so into it that I immediately put my name on the library reservations list for the sequel, and wishlisted every edition on BookMooch. Now, having finished, I doubt I'll bother to read any further in the series. The opening is really quite interesting: Bella moves from sunny Arizona to rainy, gloomy Washington State to live with her father (her somewhat loopy mom wants to follow her new husband while he's on the road as a minor league ballplayer). To her surprise, she gains almost instant popularity at her new high school—with the exception of the beautiful Edward Cullen and his siblings, who either ignore her, or in the case of Edward himself, seem to be repulsed by her. Even though the reader probably knows going in that at least part of what's going on relates to Edward being a vampire (because it says in BIG LETTERS ON THE BACK that Edward is a vampire), it's still fun to speculate about what exactly is going on—why does Edward seem both drawn and repelled by Bella? Why does he save her life? What are a bunch of vampires doing impersonating students at a small town high school, anyway?
Unfortunately, the answers to all these questions seem to be either nonexistent or extremely lame. Edward reacts weirdly to Bella because she 1) smells unusually good, and 2) is the only person he's ever met whose mind he cannot read. No. 1 apparently makes him fall in love with her, while the reasons behind No. 2 are never explained. But, you know, the actual mysterious stuff is apparently not important—instead it's more important that we realize that the Cullens are good vampires, who only eat animals, and who do nice, all-American things like play baseball in the woods. Okay! Also, all the weaknesses you've heard vampires have are just myths. Garlic, stakes, even sunlight—no problemo. Yet Edward would never even consider turning Bella, because that would make her an Evil Thing. Oh, and they also can't have sex, presumably because Meyer once read "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" (and/or is a Mormon. Sorry).
Instead, what Edward and Bella apparently CAN do is be very emo and teenage about their twu luv (despite Edward actually being over 100 years old), and be threatened by a villain that shows up in the novel's last third just to give it some semblance of an actual plot. Then, once all is well, they go to the prom! SERIOUSLY. THE BOOK ENDS WITH EDWARD TAKING BELLA TO THE PROM. What. The. Fuck.
And still, none of this answers my number one question: if you were a century-old vampire, why the HELL would you spend your time going to high school in Washington State? (Especially when you're not even trying to bang high school girls.) Angel at his most pathetic emo mopiness had more spine.(less)
Unfortunately, the answers to all these questions seem to be either nonexistent or extremely lame. Edward reacts weirdly to Bella because she 1) smells unusually good, and 2) is the only person he's ever met whose mind he cannot read. No. 1 apparently makes him fall in love with her, while the reasons behind No. 2 are never explained. But, you know, the actual mysterious stuff is apparently not important—instead it's more important that we realize that the Cullens are good vampires, who only eat animals, and who do nice, all-American things like play baseball in the woods. Okay! Also, all the weaknesses you've heard vampires have are just myths. Garlic, stakes, even sunlight—no problemo. Yet Edward would never even consider turning Bella, because that would make her an Evil Thing. Oh, and they also can't have sex, presumably because Meyer once read "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" (and/or is a Mormon. Sorry).
Instead, what Edward and Bella apparently CAN do is be very emo and teenage about their twu luv (despite Edward actually being over 100 years old), and be threatened by a villain that shows up in the novel's last third just to give it some semblance of an actual plot. Then, once all is well, they go to the prom! SERIOUSLY. THE BOOK ENDS WITH EDWARD TAKING BELLA TO THE PROM. What. The. Fuck.
And still, none of this answers my number one question: if you were a century-old vampire, why the HELL would you spend your time going to high school in Washington State? (Especially when you're not even trying to bang high school girls.) Angel at his most pathetic emo mopiness had more spine.(less)
434 likes · like · see review
T.E.
Thank you for this review. When I got to the bit about Bella and Edward's 'twu luv' I cracked up. You made my day.
Jun 21, 2012 01:19am
Jun 21, 2012 01:19am

Welcome to Part II of the Vampire Compatibility Test (VCT). Before we continue, let's briefly racap Part I of the VCT. Your score in Part I should have given you a good idea of how critically you judge vampire fiction, placing you in either "Group A" or "Group B" based on overall points scored.
Group A:
A fairly harsh to extremely harsh critic that requires in a vampire story that it be: (a) well written or at least highly engaging prose; (b) tightly plotted with a well defined backstory that i...more

Welcome to Part II of the Vampire Compatibility Test (VCT). Before we continue, let's briefly racap Part I of the VCT. Your score in Part I should have given you a good idea of how critically you judge vampire fiction, placing you in either "Group A" or "Group B" based on overall points scored.
Group A:
A fairly harsh to extremely harsh critic that requires in a vampire story that it be: (a) well written or at least highly engaging prose; (b) tightly plotted with a well defined backstory that is either tied to an established “vampire mythos” or adds something substantial to the vampire genre; and (c) an intelligent, compelling original story or a slick, fast-paced, chill-filled thrill ride.
Group B:
Includes those that are not too critical and are generally okay as long as the writing and plot are not horrible and there is “something about it” that makes it an interesting diversion. This group also includes those that are not sure what the word critic means.
So with Part I completed, we now turn to Part II of the VCT test. In this section, we will take a look at the most popular vampire series in publishing history (i.e., the Twilight series) and help you determine whether it is a good choice for your next reading selection**.
**(PLEASE NOTE: If you are part of "Group A" above than the answer is clearly NO, and you can move on immediately to Part III of the VCT.)
For those in Group B, here are the instructions for this section of the VCT. For each of the 4 questions below, select the answer that best describes your personal taste when it comes to vampire fiction. Each answer has a corresponding point value that will be added up at the end of the test. The total number of points will indicate a preference for a certain kind of vampire novel, which can then be used to assist you in selecting the right story for you.
QUESTION 1: Which of the following best describes your favorite kind of vampire?
A: Sparkly, epically EMO and unable to look threatening without legal counsel and a tactical nuke; 0 points
B: Underwear model hotness with perfect hair who smells like the beach and has eyes that can cause a person’s naughty bits to spontaneously combust. 5 points
C: Chalky skin, “super cuts” hair, stylistically challenged clothing (with or without Liberace cape) with long nails, ivory fangs and a kick ass accent. 10 points
D. Ugly and reeking of ickyness with deformed monster-like physical appearance and sharp, nasty animal-like teeth and claws. Note: long black tongue like appendages is optional. 15 points
E. So freaking menacing and “out of this world” disgusting that sightings will cause spontaneous development of Tourette Syndrome, loss of bladder and temporary voice immodulation. 20 points
QUESTION 2: Which of the following best describes your desire to become a vampire like those in your favorite stories?
A. YES, YES, oh my God, oh my God, YES…YES…YES…YES…YES….YEEEESSSSS

0 points
B. Yes, I think it would be pretty cool. 5 points
C. Close, but no. I think the loneliness, lack of Vitamin D and dietary restrictions outweigh the longevity and the cool, soulful hipness. 10 points
D. No way, I would rather die than become one of those things. 15 points
E. ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHO? Not only would I rather die but I would personally hogtie my best friends and leave them for the creatures to munch on while I made good my escape. 20 points
QUESTION 3: Which of the following best describes how you would respond if a casual acquaintance asked you if they should check out the popular “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer?
A. I would say YES because it is the best book since Crime and Punishment, no wait, the BEST BOOK EVER and everyone should read it. 0 points
B. I would say YES, but would spend the next 20 minutes qualifying my answer using phrases like: “well, some people find it kinda cheesy” and “it’s not exactly quality prose” and “you should know that I’m pretty forgiving of the plot because I just LOVE the characters” and “don’t fucking look at me like that. I mean, it sold like a gagillion copies so it can’t be all bad.” 5 points
C. Even though I really like it, I would be too embarrassed to admit that I read it and would tell the person NO and that they should to read Ulysses instead because “it is like way deep and shit.” 10 points
D. I would say NO and tell them to go read Dracula because it’s an excellent Vampire story!! 15 points
E. I would stare at them stunned for several seconds and then bitch slap them hard across the face for asking me such a dumb shit question, screaming that vampires DO NOT sparkle, wear hair gel or play baseball....EVER!!! 20 points
QUESTION 4: If they made a major hollywood movie of your favorite vampire movie, what rating would the MPAA give it?
A. PG to PG-13 for
B. PG-13 for strong sexual situations, strong sexual situations and strong to very strong sexual situations. 5 points
C. R for Adult language, sweet, bloody violence, fright and nudity followed by bimbo deaths. 10 points
D. NC-17 to banned in the U.S. for almost continuous gore on a massive scale, vampires more disgusting than a SUMO wrestler's bowel movement and.......lots and lots of nudity because WHY NOT. 15 points
SCORING FOR PART II OF VCT:
0 to 10 points. Ignore the 1 star rating above, buy "first printings" of all four of the Twilight books and read them over and over until your eyes bleed.
15 to 20 points. Twilight is probably a 2 star read and you might think about squeezing it in between episodes of “Jersey Shore.”
25 to 50 points. Best to skip Twilight as it is not likely to be a memorable read for you.
50 points or over. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Twilight is your vampire kryptonite and reading it will make you think less of yourself and may cause severe and long lasting anger and/or depression at the current state of the world.
REVIEW NOTES AND COMMENTS:
* An apology for this review to my wife who loves these books.
** An apology to my two beautiful daughters for telling them that mommy "had problems" for loving these books.
*** Three cheers for my beautiful wife for "getting" that I was just trying to be funny in doing this review and didn't mean all the things I wrote....(whew).(less)
283 likes · like · see review
De'Zsa
Even though I was part of Group A, I still wanted to do this because it seemed fun...and it was!
P.S. I scored 40 points and this review = EPIC win and...more Even though I was part of Group A, I still wanted to do this because it seemed fun...and it was!
P.S. I scored 40 points and this review = EPIC win and destroys all 1-2 stars ever written.
Therefore, I bow.(less)
Jul 22, 2012 11:33pm
P.S. I scored 40 points and this review = EPIC win and...more Even though I was part of Group A, I still wanted to do this because it seemed fun...and it was!
P.S. I scored 40 points and this review = EPIC win and destroys all 1-2 stars ever written.
Therefore, I bow.(less)
Jul 22, 2012 11:33pm
Shilpa
Hahaha.. so freaking hilarious.. I frightened my 7 year old cousin nearby by maniacal laughing.. especially the Tourette syndrome and losing bladder c...more
Hahaha.. so freaking hilarious.. I frightened my 7 year old cousin nearby by maniacal laughing.. especially the Tourette syndrome and losing bladder control bit :)(less)
Oct 27, 2012 03:01am
Oct 27, 2012 03:01am
spoiler alert: he's a vampire!!!
has anyone heard any press on this book yet?? i think that once the teens hear about it, the author will be quite successful. definite cinematic potential here.
................................................................................
pop - there goes my meyer cherry! and with it my integrity.
this, sadly, isn't one of those twilight reviews that is going to get a zillion votes. it isn't going to be particularly insightful or funny or anything like that. it i...more spoiler alert: he's a vampire!!!
has anyone heard any press on this book yet?? i think that once the teens hear about it, the author will be quite successful. definite cinematic potential here.
................................................................................
pop - there goes my meyer cherry! and with it my integrity.
this, sadly, isn't one of those twilight reviews that is going to get a zillion votes. it isn't going to be particularly insightful or funny or anything like that. it is mostly just a stunned reaction to a book that i vowed i would never read. and i know i am about to lose a ton of street cred, but you know what?? itsnotthatbad.
there.
i know, intellectually, that i shouldn't have enjoyed this book, but the feelings - they respond. and that is today's theme - the power of the emotions to o'erthrow zee brain. we will return to this theme later.
i have friends who love this book.
i have friends who hate this book.
i have friends who have never read this book, but still openly mock its fans and say things like "oh edward, you sparkle so gooood" - oh wait - no, that was me. oops.
i was totally apprehensive about starting this and possibly having to revise my previous and very vocal anti-twilight stance. i do not like admitting i am wrong. i am a very stubborn lady. and i figured, despite all my yelly-facing, i could honestly go either way.
but i did it. and it's really not at all bad. true - there are some moments that are terrible, particularly in its editing. "ballet bar", "dust moats", "had been belonged to me". OMFG SRSLY stephenie, you can't afford a copy editor?? and while we are at it - your name is also a typo. and there is so much chuckling and tooth grinding and fist balling (heh) and jaw clenching it seems like a ticcy nicolas cage movie at times. and the repetition of words for edward; "beautiful" and "heavenly" and "sublime" and "perfect" "perfect" "perfect". christmas wishlist: a thesaurus for stephenie.
but more than that.
from what i had heard - the big complaint about this book was bella. i was expecting some vapid, swoony, clumsy, clingy, weak little thing who was a terrible role model for the young misses and a blight upon the face of womynhood. but she is actually pretty badass. she drives a massive truck and is good at science and likes to read and hates the prom and is pretty fearless and would hook a finger in your eye and pop it out instead of running away if she felt threatened. i can get behind that.
so what are the complaints actually about?? her selfless devotion to edward; her willingness to sacrifice and surrender herself for a boy. a vampire. a much older man. a creature known for its powers of mesmerism and allure.
the ultimate bad boy.
well, duh!
this is precisely how it feels to be a 17-year-old girl deeply in love. it's fight, kill, or die for your beloved. see, i was one, so i can speak to the phenomenon firsthand. and from here on out, if it makes you feel more comfortable; if you have a problem with sweeping generalities, when i use the phrase "17-year-old-girl", feel free to substitute "karen t. brissette"
17-year-old girls are drawn to the bad boy
17-year-old girls in love do not think, they feel
17-year-old girls are dangerously self-absorbed (when "self" includes the beloved because they are one soul etc etc)
17-year-old girls do not give one shit about what kind of example they are setting for others of their gender
17-year-old girls are all too inclined to sacrifice,to become a martyr for their love, to believe in the magic of the world and the power of infatuation, and to risk it all to prolong that infatuation
17-year-old girls lack cynicism and have no real frame of reference yet or any extensive battle scars, or relationship track record; everything is here and now and the most important thing in the history of the world.
so, yeah, bella, i get you. you are not a victim. and your clumsiness (and mine) are very endearing.as is your commitment. i once walked miles barefoot on the summer blacktop to show my devotion to mine, he pulled equally stupid demonstrative stunts - there were blowups and reconciliations and third-party interventions and i became love and it was wonderful, mercurial, mad mad mad.
so,yeah, bells, i get your depth of feeling.
forget team edward
forget team jacob
i am resoundingly team bella.
and i was also told this was one of the most erotic novels of all time, by my most favorite professor, and i rolled my eyes at the time, thinking "why does everyone like this damn book so much??"but you know what?? she was right. this is totally virgin porn. straight up sweaty virgin porn.
and of course, all vampire lit is porn, where the bloodsucking stands in for the sex act etc etc. but what if both parties are acting against nature/their inclinations?
he is repressing his desire to drink her blood
she is repressing her desire to touch him
both feel the strain of resistance and every time they are close - there is amazing heightened tension.and it is - it is pretty damn hot.
hoofa.
so, yeah, like cottage cheese, i have come around in my thinking about this book. but i refuse to give this a star rating. let me hold on to that much of my pride.
(less)
has anyone heard any press on this book yet?? i think that once the teens hear about it, the author will be quite successful. definite cinematic potential here.
................................................................................
pop - there goes my meyer cherry! and with it my integrity.
this, sadly, isn't one of those twilight reviews that is going to get a zillion votes. it isn't going to be particularly insightful or funny or anything like that. it i...more spoiler alert: he's a vampire!!!
has anyone heard any press on this book yet?? i think that once the teens hear about it, the author will be quite successful. definite cinematic potential here.
................................................................................
pop - there goes my meyer cherry! and with it my integrity.
this, sadly, isn't one of those twilight reviews that is going to get a zillion votes. it isn't going to be particularly insightful or funny or anything like that. it is mostly just a stunned reaction to a book that i vowed i would never read. and i know i am about to lose a ton of street cred, but you know what?? itsnotthatbad.
there.
i know, intellectually, that i shouldn't have enjoyed this book, but the feelings - they respond. and that is today's theme - the power of the emotions to o'erthrow zee brain. we will return to this theme later.
i have friends who love this book.
i have friends who hate this book.
i have friends who have never read this book, but still openly mock its fans and say things like "oh edward, you sparkle so gooood" - oh wait - no, that was me. oops.
i was totally apprehensive about starting this and possibly having to revise my previous and very vocal anti-twilight stance. i do not like admitting i am wrong. i am a very stubborn lady. and i figured, despite all my yelly-facing, i could honestly go either way.
but i did it. and it's really not at all bad. true - there are some moments that are terrible, particularly in its editing. "ballet bar", "dust moats", "had been belonged to me". OMFG SRSLY stephenie, you can't afford a copy editor?? and while we are at it - your name is also a typo. and there is so much chuckling and tooth grinding and fist balling (heh) and jaw clenching it seems like a ticcy nicolas cage movie at times. and the repetition of words for edward; "beautiful" and "heavenly" and "sublime" and "perfect" "perfect" "perfect". christmas wishlist: a thesaurus for stephenie.
but more than that.
from what i had heard - the big complaint about this book was bella. i was expecting some vapid, swoony, clumsy, clingy, weak little thing who was a terrible role model for the young misses and a blight upon the face of womynhood. but she is actually pretty badass. she drives a massive truck and is good at science and likes to read and hates the prom and is pretty fearless and would hook a finger in your eye and pop it out instead of running away if she felt threatened. i can get behind that.
so what are the complaints actually about?? her selfless devotion to edward; her willingness to sacrifice and surrender herself for a boy. a vampire. a much older man. a creature known for its powers of mesmerism and allure.
the ultimate bad boy.
well, duh!
this is precisely how it feels to be a 17-year-old girl deeply in love. it's fight, kill, or die for your beloved. see, i was one, so i can speak to the phenomenon firsthand. and from here on out, if it makes you feel more comfortable; if you have a problem with sweeping generalities, when i use the phrase "17-year-old-girl", feel free to substitute "karen t. brissette"
17-year-old girls are drawn to the bad boy
17-year-old girls in love do not think, they feel
17-year-old girls are dangerously self-absorbed (when "self" includes the beloved because they are one soul etc etc)
17-year-old girls do not give one shit about what kind of example they are setting for others of their gender
17-year-old girls are all too inclined to sacrifice,to become a martyr for their love, to believe in the magic of the world and the power of infatuation, and to risk it all to prolong that infatuation
17-year-old girls lack cynicism and have no real frame of reference yet or any extensive battle scars, or relationship track record; everything is here and now and the most important thing in the history of the world.
so, yeah, bella, i get you. you are not a victim. and your clumsiness (and mine) are very endearing.as is your commitment. i once walked miles barefoot on the summer blacktop to show my devotion to mine, he pulled equally stupid demonstrative stunts - there were blowups and reconciliations and third-party interventions and i became love and it was wonderful, mercurial, mad mad mad.
so,yeah, bells, i get your depth of feeling.
forget team edward
forget team jacob
i am resoundingly team bella.
and i was also told this was one of the most erotic novels of all time, by my most favorite professor, and i rolled my eyes at the time, thinking "why does everyone like this damn book so much??"but you know what?? she was right. this is totally virgin porn. straight up sweaty virgin porn.
and of course, all vampire lit is porn, where the bloodsucking stands in for the sex act etc etc. but what if both parties are acting against nature/their inclinations?
he is repressing his desire to drink her blood
she is repressing her desire to touch him
both feel the strain of resistance and every time they are close - there is amazing heightened tension.and it is - it is pretty damn hot.
hoofa.
so, yeah, like cottage cheese, i have come around in my thinking about this book. but i refuse to give this a star rating. let me hold on to that much of my pride.
(less)
Feb 21, 2012
Steph Sinclair
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Please see end of review for what I recommend
Recommended to Steph by:
Myself (I had a moment of insanity)
Shelves:
could-have-been-better,
i-own-it,
vamps,
books-i-should-hate-but-i-don-t,
2011-reads,
bound-to-inflict-a-migraine,
ahhhhh-my-eyes,
i-blame-twilight,
where-s-my-chocolate,
no-just-no,
why-why-why-did-i-read-it,
serve-me-up-insta-love,
all-the-wrong-choices,
heroines-i-want-to-shake,
kill-me-now,
i-used-to-like-this,
stop-it-already,
le-sigh,
lots-of-fail-going-on-here,
can-t-believe-i-finished,
fell-for-the-hype,
2008-reads,
project-read,
my-boyfriend-wants-me-dead,
youve-got-to-be-kidding-me,
rubbish,
creepy-lover,
young-adult
Actual rating: 1.5 stars. Believe it or not, there are actually a few books that are worse than Twilight.
Ok, funny story. I was sitting on my couch with my husband last night finishing up Twilight. I slammed the book shut and began rubbing my temples. Then, my husband goes, "So you finally finished, huh?" "Yes. I can't believe I used to like this book," I said. "Hahaha! Yeah, I remember you were on Twilight's balls hard." Yeah, yeah, yeah...
There isn't a single book on my shelf that has fluctuat...more
Actual rating: 1.5 stars. Believe it or not, there are actually a few books that are worse than Twilight.
Ok, funny story. I was sitting on my couch with my husband last night finishing up Twilight. I slammed the book shut and began rubbing my temples. Then, my husband goes, "So you finally finished, huh?" "Yes. I can't believe I used to like this book," I said. "Hahaha! Yeah, I remember you were on Twilight's balls hard." Yeah, yeah, yeah...
There isn't a single book on my shelf that has fluctuated between all ratings besides Twilight. No, your eyes do not deceive you. I actually have read Twilight 4 times. I used to hail from Shelfari.com and the first rating I ever gave Twilight was 5 stars. After I made the switch to GoodReads, I decided to give it 4 stars instead. So, recently I was browsing my GoodReads shelf (I often do that to clean up ratings), I noticed Twilight was sitting pretty at 4 stars and was on my "favorites" shelf. At the time I thought, "Wow, that's not accurate at all. Maybe it deserves 3 stars?" But I quickly decided, no, no, no...I'll just do a fun little project and re-read the series and give them all better ratings. If your curious about the details of the project, stop on over here: Project: Hindsight. And hey, if you like what you see, won't you subscribe? Yes? /end shameless self promotion.
The coolest thing about re-reading Twilight is that it has caused me to create really cool new shelves such as:
"Kill me now"

"Idiot heroine"

"This is *not* literature"

And my personal favorite: "Where's my chocolate?"

One of the first things I noticed during this re-read was how incredibly boring it was. Bella is dull as a doorknob. And the first few chapters of the book are essentially a 'Bitch, Moan, Complain' session. So, we have Bella moving to Forks, WA because she wants her mother to be happy (more on that later). And she's all like, "Ohhhh, I hate this place. It's green. Ewww, it's wet. Fuck my life." And what's one of the first things Bella does when she arrives in Forks? She cooks Charlie dinner.

No, I don't have an issue with a female character enjoying cooking, but it is practically thrown in my face that Charlie can't fend for himself; Bella has to cook. Well, what the hell was he doing before she arrived?! Oh, ya, did anyone else realize that despite the fact that she says she is not allowed to call Charlie by his first name; she almost always calls him Charlie? WTF.
Bella goes to school and during lunch she first cast her eyes on the Cullen family. (view spoiler)[
(hide spoiler)] Her next period happens to be Biology (because that's where you'd meet a vampire, right?) and as she walks past the fan Edward goes: 
And she's like, "WTF. Do I smell?" Little does she know that Eddie just wants to devourer her little, ivory skinned ass. His reaction is so off-putting that she cries when she gets back to her truck. All because Eddie doesn't like her. Who the hell cares, Bella? Conceded much? Get over yourself. But no, she just obsesses with it.
"Edward Cullen didn't come back to school. Everyday, I watched anxiously until the rest of the Cullens had entered the cafeteria without him."Meanwhile, poor Mike is trying to put the moves on Bella and invites her to a beach trip. Speaking of the beach trip, here is something the editors should have picked up on. When the beach trip is first brought up it's supposed to be happening in two weeks. But, as Bella goes on and on about nothing in particular, a few pages later she mentions
"...just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks."Wait, what? Anyone notice something? Six weeks have passed and the beach trip is where? Not only that, but the girl's choice dance was also two weeks away and here six weeks have passed...
"I was surprised he would remember the name; I'd mentioned it just once, almost two months ago."Anyway, moving on. Some random shit happens causing Edward to swoop in and save danger prone Bella. The worst thing about Twilight is how incredibly dependent Bella is on Edward. When she's not with him, she is always thinking about him. And that doesn’t make any sense. She barely knows him. They've had like two or three conversations and she has thoughts like:
"And what was my other choice--to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him."And then, because Edward must always prove to Bella that he loves her more than she loves him, he pulls this line:
"It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now."
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most because if I can do it---if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."Are you kidding me? This is not love. But how could it be, with Edward torn between eating her and making out with her? Edward is a controlling creepy creeper. He had been watching her sleep for weeks before they started talking! Meyer are you condoning stalkish behavior?!
Not.Fucking.Cool. I once read that Stephenie Meyer had a dream and that is how Twilight was born. She says she actually started writing from chapter 13 (The Meadow) to the ending. (view spoiler)[Oh, ya, that's where we find out Edward sparkles in the sun!
(hide spoiler)] Then, she went back and wrote the first half. It totally shows. While it's true the entire book is a shit storm in action, the second half is noticeably worse. The first half can easily be summed up as "Bella's Bitch Fest meets Creep-ward" and believe me when I say, it's really not as bad as the second half. How is that even possible? I have no idea, but Meyer pulls that shit off flawlessly. And ya know? I have a theory on that. Because Meyer had a dream about Bella and Edward and their 'true love' and she went to work on the second half before the first, there is all this raw emotions, strange pet names, and banter that's supposed to be romantic but fails miserably. I just felt terribly uncomfortable reading it. And to top it all off, it was so bad, like, eye bleeding bad! It made me so angry I actually pulled out a pen and started marking this damn book up. Don't believe me? LMAO, seriously folks, I took notes. Feast your eyes on my personal copy of 
I've also noticed a trend with Meyer. She doesn't write fight scenes. There was a huge build up for a fight with James and we see nothing of the fight. Bella is informed of what happened after the fact. Good job, Stephenie. You totally ripped off your readers there. So, Carlisle is sitting there fixing up Bella on the ground (and he randomly has Morphine, by the way -_-) and Bella is in the process of passing out. But first, Carlisle has a little conversation about Bella's mom and she somehow finds the will to mention to Alice what she knows about James. Like, really? Go to sleep Bella. You talk too much.
I won't bore you with the details of the ending. I'm sure you already know. But I do want to say that Bella's mother is the most selfish character (next to Bella, of course). First she ships her off to Forks so she could be with her new husband. And no, do not tell me Bella chose to do that. Renee is the parent and it's *her* job to make sacrifices. Then, when Bella is in the hospital after the fight with James, she acts like she can't be bothered to stay with Bella.
Then she sighed and glaced guiltily over her shoulder at the big, round clock on the wall.Really?? Really, Renee?! Your daughter almost died and you are seriously acting like this? Un-fucking-believable. Oh, but this shit gets better:
"Do you need to go?"
She bit her lip. "Phil's supposed to call in a little while...I didn't know you were going to wake up..."
"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know," she announced, proud of herself.Huh? Do you want a cookie for that? It's your job!
"I can stay if you need me."And what does she think Edward and Bella are going to do? She has a broken leg, broken ribs, and cracks in her skull. C'mon now!
"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me."
She looked like that might be why she wanted to stay.
"I'll be back tonight." Its sounded as much like a warning as it sounded like a promise, and she glanced at Edward again as she said it.
Then Edward takes Bella to prom, he kisses her neck. The fucking end.
Would I recommend this? Bahahahahahah! You're shitting me, right? I'm about to go do this to my bookshelf:

But I'll tell you what I recommend. I recommend we all do this to our copies of Toilette.

Amen.
Continue on with the madness with my review of Midnight Sun and New Moon.
*****BONUS TIME*****
I love bonuses! They are so much fun! Have you seen the Twilight parody by The Hillywood Show? No?! Go watch now!!
Twilight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MKz0g...
New Moon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ti13oO...
Eclipse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cue1lw...
I personally love the Eclipse one.
More reviews and more at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.(less)
353 likes · like · see review
Damieka {LivingInYABooks}
This is the best review of Twilight I have ever read! And you're so right about Renee. No wonder Bella is so selfish; look at her mom.
Apr 28, 2013 02:08pm
Apr 28, 2013 02:08pm
Steph Sinclair
Damieka {LivingInYABooks} wrote: "This is the best review of Twilight I have ever read! And you're so right about Renee. No wonder Bella is so selfish...more
Damieka {LivingInYABooks} wrote: "This is the best review of Twilight I have ever read! And you're so right about Renee. No wonder Bella is so selfish; look at her mom."
Thank you. Yeah, I just couldn't understand the decisions Renee made.(less)
Apr 28, 2013 03:13pm
Thank you. Yeah, I just couldn't understand the decisions Renee made.(less)
Apr 28, 2013 03:13pm
my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.
on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.
i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelv...more my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.
on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.
i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelves and was faux wood veneer. after i applied cold compresses and stanched most of the bleeding, i drove to school, but they must have moved the school building across town. i chuckled to myself, darn school moving people!
after i drove around for a few hours looking for where they put the building, edward cullen pulled up alongside me in his shiny, silver volvo, which was silver and a saab, i think. his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.
his well-muscled chest waved to me like an old friend, but edward glowered at me from the driver's seat. his eyes were black. i think he came down with glaucoma.
even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school. he knew where they kept it. i wonder how he found out. but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield. i am so clumsy. when we got to school, edward's well-muscled chest walked me to english class.
"try to be careful in there," the chest giggled while at the same time giving me a sinister sideward glance that made the blood in the veins under my skin in my body feel ice-cold.
"haha," i giggled, tapping the chest on its rippling pectorals. "very funny," i then said running my finger around his kennedy-half-dollar sized nipples. "i'll try to be careful," i joked, alarmed at the unearthly chill emitted by his taut obliques.
everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors. the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books. through the windows of the classroom which looked onto the out-of-doors, i could see the rain was still raining outside. then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.
i chuckled and turn bright red. how embarrassing.
at the end of the school day edward cullen came to walk me to my car. his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!
"where's my car?" i giggled after chuckling for a while.
"don't you remember that you totaled it this morning when you drove into the orphan's hospital?" he said. he was looking at me with his eyes. he gave me his ivory jacket to keep me dry from the rain, which is usually very wet. then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.
"you know," i said, falling over a parking bumper into a rack of bicycles, "rain isn't the only thing there is that gets me wet."
"let's just be friends," he hissed, arching an eyebrow, flexing his sinewy wrists, and flaring his beautiful muscular nostrils.
i realized then he might be a vampire. or really gay. or a really gay vampire.
i should have known. he had erasure cassettes in the car.
(less)
on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.
i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelv...more my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.
on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.
i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelves and was faux wood veneer. after i applied cold compresses and stanched most of the bleeding, i drove to school, but they must have moved the school building across town. i chuckled to myself, darn school moving people!
after i drove around for a few hours looking for where they put the building, edward cullen pulled up alongside me in his shiny, silver volvo, which was silver and a saab, i think. his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.
his well-muscled chest waved to me like an old friend, but edward glowered at me from the driver's seat. his eyes were black. i think he came down with glaucoma.
even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school. he knew where they kept it. i wonder how he found out. but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield. i am so clumsy. when we got to school, edward's well-muscled chest walked me to english class.
"try to be careful in there," the chest giggled while at the same time giving me a sinister sideward glance that made the blood in the veins under my skin in my body feel ice-cold.
"haha," i giggled, tapping the chest on its rippling pectorals. "very funny," i then said running my finger around his kennedy-half-dollar sized nipples. "i'll try to be careful," i joked, alarmed at the unearthly chill emitted by his taut obliques.
everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors. the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books. through the windows of the classroom which looked onto the out-of-doors, i could see the rain was still raining outside. then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.
i chuckled and turn bright red. how embarrassing.
at the end of the school day edward cullen came to walk me to my car. his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!
"where's my car?" i giggled after chuckling for a while.
"don't you remember that you totaled it this morning when you drove into the orphan's hospital?" he said. he was looking at me with his eyes. he gave me his ivory jacket to keep me dry from the rain, which is usually very wet. then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.
"you know," i said, falling over a parking bumper into a rack of bicycles, "rain isn't the only thing there is that gets me wet."
"let's just be friends," he hissed, arching an eyebrow, flexing his sinewy wrists, and flaring his beautiful muscular nostrils.
i realized then he might be a vampire. or really gay. or a really gay vampire.
i should have known. he had erasure cassettes in the car.
(less)
1912 likes · like · see review
Angelina Tang
Great review! I loved it! Sadly that is what the Twilight books are about.. ;(
Jun 10, 2013 04:02pm
Jun 10, 2013 04:02pm
Oct 13, 2010
Ceridwen
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommended to Ceridwen by:
Morwenna
Two things happened in my household, shortly after I started reading it, that seem germane to a discussion of this book. First, I was in the kitchen, dealing with the endless in-and-out of the dishwasher, and I became aware of a small, soft, wet noise coming from the back bathroom. This made my mom-ears perk up, and I went back to find my daughter, who is about 2 ½, tearing off strips of toilet paper, wadding them neatly, throwing them into the toilet, and then flushing. She looked up at me with...more
Two things happened in my household, shortly after I started reading it, that seem germane to a discussion of this book. First, I was in the kitchen, dealing with the endless in-and-out of the dishwasher, and I became aware of a small, soft, wet noise coming from the back bathroom. This made my mom-ears perk up, and I went back to find my daughter, who is about 2 ½, tearing off strips of toilet paper, wadding them neatly, throwing them into the toilet, and then flushing. She looked up at me with her deceptively cherubic face and said, “Here Mum, this is for you.” She held out a tp wad. I tossed it in, and flushed, and then we went to find less futile pursuits. Second, in the same back bathroom, my dog was in there diving for tootsie rolls in the cat-box. The litter tray has one of those detachable tops, with an opening in the front so the cat can go in there and do her business without sending litter all over the freaking room, theoretically. The dog, in her lust to eat cat shit, got her head stuck in the opening and the topper thing lodged on her neck. She freaked out, the way only largish dogs in smallish bathrooms with a litter topper on her head can freak out, and there was all manner of howling, skittering and general mayhem, until I went in and rescued her from herself.
I've been known to let my metaphors run away from me, but let's see if I can pull this off. We all have stuff that we do that's stupid, futile or disgusting, or all of these things at once: eating cat shit, flushing wads of toilet paper down the toilet, smoking cigarettes, polka, embroidery, reading Twilight, etc. There's nothing wrong with these pursuits, exactly (although I would give consuming feces a miss if you aren't a border collie) but to the non-enthusiast, they seem inexplicable. But that's the thing: eating cat shit is a source of pure, whole body pleasure for my dog; that, barking at kids on bikes and sleeping on the couch. While I may grumble at the mess and unintended comedy these activities generate, I really can't criticize her joie de vivre. So, reading Twilight was like eating cat shit for me, but I mean this in an understanding way. You may not love smoking. The thought of the smoke hitting your lungs and the buzzing sensation you get in your fingertips may turn your stomach, but man if just typing these words doesn't make me want to go out on the back porch and pound down a heater.
So I get it, I get the whole Twilight thing, on some level. But then there's the girl thing. I'm not exactly the intended audience for Twilight, because I'm not a teenage girl. But I keep having to account for my not reading Twilight, as I will now have to account for disliking Twilight, because I live in a community of women who were once girls, because I was once a girl. I'm fascinated by how many women I know who love this book, women I love and respect, women who are not laughable, stupid or thoughtless. They may express chagrin or embarrassment, as though they just were busted for smoking on the back porch, but they love it just the same. Hating on Twilight, for guys, is easy, because it doesn't betray their essential guyness; in fact, probably the opposite. (Yes, yes, girls are gross, now back to the clubhouse!) Hating on Twilight, as a woman, is essentially a betrayal of girlness, an erasure of that awkward adolescence many of us share. One can easily, oh so easily, enumerate the literary failings of this book. One can easily, oh so easily, parse the religious messages and sexual politics into something monstrous and ugly. This is all fine; go for it; I will be on the sidelines with pom-poms. But what I keep coming back to is the true, earnest and deeply felt pleasure this book provokes in so many women. Pleasure that is real and not deserving of scorn.
That community of women thing is what sent to reading Twilight in the first place. My sister was reading Twilight at the urgings of one of her co-workers. She has had an uneasy relationship with this other women, which had recently been patched up into something resembling friendliness. In their water-cooler conversations, the co-worker began extolling the merits of Meyer's book, and pushed it into my sister's hands. She knew what she was in for – how could she not given total cultural saturation at this point – but found herself unwilling and unable to actually finish reading the book. How was she going to explain this to the co-worker? We all know (or maybe we don't) how quickly this sort of thing can get personal. It gets especially personal with books of this nature, that slip into the female hind-brain and coil around our unspoken (unspeakable?) drives and desires.
One of the reasons I hated this book (and I mean that word emotionally, not critically, if you know what I mean) was that Meyer was far far too damn evocative of the strange alienated horror that is adolescence. Bella is never easy; there are very few unqualified pleasures for her; every single action, especially the ones that occur within the bewildering sucking chest wound that is her social scene, is considered for its effect on everyone else, her status, her placement in the group, her precarious self esteem. It gave me vivid and lingering flashbacks, and not in a wheee-I-see-trails kind of way, but in the countless shaming episodes way. The only real source of pleasure for her is her time with Edward. And while it's probably not original to point this out, Edward is the externalization of her desire, an embodiment of the girl-fic wish fulfillment of both desire and fear, the shaming female libido that goes bump in the night. He can't read her mind because he's an extension of her mind. Which brings me to the creamy ironic center of this review. On some levels, this book is a morality tale about female pleasure, and I was unable to take much pleasure in that. Gods, but I love me some irony though, so it the book evoked entirely unintended pleasures.
Never is this more apparent than in the scene in which Bella is menaced by some would-be rapists. She's been mooning all day about Edward, which in very concrete terms gets her cut off from her female companions and their consumerist escapades. She ends up surrounded by threatening male desire, which she has provoked by her dreaming thoughtlessness. Edward appears, the sort of flip side of this desire, and rescues her. When I was working on my Feminist Merit Badge, there was much talk about the virgin/whore thing, and then also romance novels and other mass-produced fantasies for women. Too much of this kind of talk can make me really really tired, but I'll try to keep it brief, for all our sakes. Although I don't think I've heard about a boy version of the madonna/slut thing, I think one is at work here, as one is at work in many female wish-fulfillment exercises. Men are conjured, neutered and domesticated, and that process of domestication both justifies and condemns female desire. Bella simply cannot help herself: her mooning attraction to Edward gets externalized into her scent, which makes him unable to help himself, makes him an animal, reminds us she's an animal, a sort of endless mirroring. That scent also ribbons through the air, cartoon-like, bringing horribly unlikely rapists wafting in by their noses. Desire is a dangerous thing, girls. Here's a Ken doll for you, his smooth, cold, inhuman man-parts stamped carefully into place.
I'm bringing up Ken deliberately. In her GR review, Elizabeth describes this book as a Barbie doll, which pretty much nails the whole thing for me. Barbie is the embodied consumer. She teaches girls how to accessorize their lives: boys, friends, dresses, houses, all neatly displayed in little consumable packages. Barbie teaches the values of consumerism, of consumption, while simultaneously being completely immune to its effects. Barbie cannot get old, fat, or overdose on heroin. She is the bulimic model of perfection. By many yardsticks, one could say that Edward is an anorexic. A vegetarian vampire is a contradiction in terms. While not personally a sufferer of an eating disorder, I have a number of very close people in my life that I've watched go through that mangle. I get it too: I was demographically ripe for this sort of thing: a white, middle-class overachiever. The anorexic, as it has been explained to me by people I love, craves control over the uncontrollable, over her needs and ambitions. That Edward cannot or will not eat is especially troubling when he's viewed as Bella's externalized desire. It's a closed loop: food equals death, desire equals death. Bella can't see Edward in a mirror (in a dream) because he's not really there; he's wasted away. That the book ends with Bella begging Edward to “change” her – this is not a spoiler, everyone in the world could see this one coming – means that she is begging for death, the way any girl who expresses desire is begging for death.
I'd like to finish with a craft project, if you don't mind. Please, warm up your glue guns. There's a paper store near my house that hosts classes every month, and I keep thinking about attending the one about altered books. I'm not entirely clear on the idea, but it seems you take old books, and cut-and-paste alternate text and pictures as commentary or whatever. I haven't done this yet for three reasons: a) lazy b) somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of cutting up books, even in the service of making cool, new books c) don't want to be caught dead anywhere near something that even remotely has a chance of being associated with scrap-booking, even kinda sorta. I can't emphasize this last one enough.
This is my idea for the altered book of Twilight. If I weren't a squeamish girl, I'd march right down to Sex World in the warehouse district, and I'd buy up a bunch of pornography. Not just any pornography, but pornography with people with normal body hair having enthusiastic sex, cheerful happy sex. (Does such a thing exist?) No smoothies allowed, no shaved, pre-adolescent vaginas, but big furry bushes and armpit hair a la the 70s edition of The Joy of Sex . This would get pasted over every description of Edward's cold and marble-like skin, because Stephanie Meyer's ossification of the human body bums me out.
I'd toss in photos of Michelangelo's David and Christ on the Cross, just to show how the nude male body has been depicted over time. (Women can certainly complain about the female nude, but since the rise of Christianity in the West, the most predominate male nude is Jesus' broken body on the Cross. The primary visual representation of the male body is one of torture.) In would go some stills of the pretty blond-haired girl who has just devoured her bickering parents in Romero's “Night of the Living Dead” because zombies freak me the hell out the way vampires never did. Also, because in the ongoing conversation I've had about this book with my sister, which ended in the double dog dare that I read it, she expressed bewilderment as to how anyone could love a dead thing. Quote she: “Vampires are just high-functioning zombies.” More than the crap prose, the endless adverbs, the discouragingly accurate portrayal of adolescent discomfort, this may have done the book in for me. Zombies man, brrr.
I'd put in wads of tp, to represent for my daughter, who some day may find this book appealing. But also for another reason: I recently had occasion to be in one of the local high schools, not the one I graduated from. I went into the bathroom, had some good times reading the graffiti: various people are bitches, etc. Then I looked up, and the ceiling was dotted with wads of dried tp, stuck to the ceiling after some industrious young women had spent what I know from personal experience is a very long time getting those suckers to stick. Throw too soft, and they won't even hit the ceiling. Throw too hard, and they'll bounce back. You've got to get them wet enough to stick, but not so wet they just fall apart. Stupid, futile and possibly disgusting, but emblematic of times spend with other girls doing the useless and possibly damaging things that made adolescence so enjoyable. I think I'll do without the cat shit. I'd douse the book in the cologne my first boyfriend wore, that, the smell of cigarettes and leather jackets. Mmmm, smell-o-vision. Then, I'd cover it with the brown paper bag covers we all put over our text-books in school to protect the actual covers. I'd draw all manner of doodles, phone numbers, one liners, hearts and bunnies all over the outside. Finally, I would affix a picture of Spider Jerusalem on the title page, and dot it with pink nail-polish blobs in a heart shape around the picture. Then I'd put the book away and try very hard never to think of it again.
(less)
I've been known to let my metaphors run away from me, but let's see if I can pull this off. We all have stuff that we do that's stupid, futile or disgusting, or all of these things at once: eating cat shit, flushing wads of toilet paper down the toilet, smoking cigarettes, polka, embroidery, reading Twilight, etc. There's nothing wrong with these pursuits, exactly (although I would give consuming feces a miss if you aren't a border collie) but to the non-enthusiast, they seem inexplicable. But that's the thing: eating cat shit is a source of pure, whole body pleasure for my dog; that, barking at kids on bikes and sleeping on the couch. While I may grumble at the mess and unintended comedy these activities generate, I really can't criticize her joie de vivre. So, reading Twilight was like eating cat shit for me, but I mean this in an understanding way. You may not love smoking. The thought of the smoke hitting your lungs and the buzzing sensation you get in your fingertips may turn your stomach, but man if just typing these words doesn't make me want to go out on the back porch and pound down a heater.
So I get it, I get the whole Twilight thing, on some level. But then there's the girl thing. I'm not exactly the intended audience for Twilight, because I'm not a teenage girl. But I keep having to account for my not reading Twilight, as I will now have to account for disliking Twilight, because I live in a community of women who were once girls, because I was once a girl. I'm fascinated by how many women I know who love this book, women I love and respect, women who are not laughable, stupid or thoughtless. They may express chagrin or embarrassment, as though they just were busted for smoking on the back porch, but they love it just the same. Hating on Twilight, for guys, is easy, because it doesn't betray their essential guyness; in fact, probably the opposite. (Yes, yes, girls are gross, now back to the clubhouse!) Hating on Twilight, as a woman, is essentially a betrayal of girlness, an erasure of that awkward adolescence many of us share. One can easily, oh so easily, enumerate the literary failings of this book. One can easily, oh so easily, parse the religious messages and sexual politics into something monstrous and ugly. This is all fine; go for it; I will be on the sidelines with pom-poms. But what I keep coming back to is the true, earnest and deeply felt pleasure this book provokes in so many women. Pleasure that is real and not deserving of scorn.
That community of women thing is what sent to reading Twilight in the first place. My sister was reading Twilight at the urgings of one of her co-workers. She has had an uneasy relationship with this other women, which had recently been patched up into something resembling friendliness. In their water-cooler conversations, the co-worker began extolling the merits of Meyer's book, and pushed it into my sister's hands. She knew what she was in for – how could she not given total cultural saturation at this point – but found herself unwilling and unable to actually finish reading the book. How was she going to explain this to the co-worker? We all know (or maybe we don't) how quickly this sort of thing can get personal. It gets especially personal with books of this nature, that slip into the female hind-brain and coil around our unspoken (unspeakable?) drives and desires.
One of the reasons I hated this book (and I mean that word emotionally, not critically, if you know what I mean) was that Meyer was far far too damn evocative of the strange alienated horror that is adolescence. Bella is never easy; there are very few unqualified pleasures for her; every single action, especially the ones that occur within the bewildering sucking chest wound that is her social scene, is considered for its effect on everyone else, her status, her placement in the group, her precarious self esteem. It gave me vivid and lingering flashbacks, and not in a wheee-I-see-trails kind of way, but in the countless shaming episodes way. The only real source of pleasure for her is her time with Edward. And while it's probably not original to point this out, Edward is the externalization of her desire, an embodiment of the girl-fic wish fulfillment of both desire and fear, the shaming female libido that goes bump in the night. He can't read her mind because he's an extension of her mind. Which brings me to the creamy ironic center of this review. On some levels, this book is a morality tale about female pleasure, and I was unable to take much pleasure in that. Gods, but I love me some irony though, so it the book evoked entirely unintended pleasures.
Never is this more apparent than in the scene in which Bella is menaced by some would-be rapists. She's been mooning all day about Edward, which in very concrete terms gets her cut off from her female companions and their consumerist escapades. She ends up surrounded by threatening male desire, which she has provoked by her dreaming thoughtlessness. Edward appears, the sort of flip side of this desire, and rescues her. When I was working on my Feminist Merit Badge, there was much talk about the virgin/whore thing, and then also romance novels and other mass-produced fantasies for women. Too much of this kind of talk can make me really really tired, but I'll try to keep it brief, for all our sakes. Although I don't think I've heard about a boy version of the madonna/slut thing, I think one is at work here, as one is at work in many female wish-fulfillment exercises. Men are conjured, neutered and domesticated, and that process of domestication both justifies and condemns female desire. Bella simply cannot help herself: her mooning attraction to Edward gets externalized into her scent, which makes him unable to help himself, makes him an animal, reminds us she's an animal, a sort of endless mirroring. That scent also ribbons through the air, cartoon-like, bringing horribly unlikely rapists wafting in by their noses. Desire is a dangerous thing, girls. Here's a Ken doll for you, his smooth, cold, inhuman man-parts stamped carefully into place.
I'm bringing up Ken deliberately. In her GR review, Elizabeth describes this book as a Barbie doll, which pretty much nails the whole thing for me. Barbie is the embodied consumer. She teaches girls how to accessorize their lives: boys, friends, dresses, houses, all neatly displayed in little consumable packages. Barbie teaches the values of consumerism, of consumption, while simultaneously being completely immune to its effects. Barbie cannot get old, fat, or overdose on heroin. She is the bulimic model of perfection. By many yardsticks, one could say that Edward is an anorexic. A vegetarian vampire is a contradiction in terms. While not personally a sufferer of an eating disorder, I have a number of very close people in my life that I've watched go through that mangle. I get it too: I was demographically ripe for this sort of thing: a white, middle-class overachiever. The anorexic, as it has been explained to me by people I love, craves control over the uncontrollable, over her needs and ambitions. That Edward cannot or will not eat is especially troubling when he's viewed as Bella's externalized desire. It's a closed loop: food equals death, desire equals death. Bella can't see Edward in a mirror (in a dream) because he's not really there; he's wasted away. That the book ends with Bella begging Edward to “change” her – this is not a spoiler, everyone in the world could see this one coming – means that she is begging for death, the way any girl who expresses desire is begging for death.
I'd like to finish with a craft project, if you don't mind. Please, warm up your glue guns. There's a paper store near my house that hosts classes every month, and I keep thinking about attending the one about altered books. I'm not entirely clear on the idea, but it seems you take old books, and cut-and-paste alternate text and pictures as commentary or whatever. I haven't done this yet for three reasons: a) lazy b) somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of cutting up books, even in the service of making cool, new books c) don't want to be caught dead anywhere near something that even remotely has a chance of being associated with scrap-booking, even kinda sorta. I can't emphasize this last one enough.
This is my idea for the altered book of Twilight. If I weren't a squeamish girl, I'd march right down to Sex World in the warehouse district, and I'd buy up a bunch of pornography. Not just any pornography, but pornography with people with normal body hair having enthusiastic sex, cheerful happy sex. (Does such a thing exist?) No smoothies allowed, no shaved, pre-adolescent vaginas, but big furry bushes and armpit hair a la the 70s edition of The Joy of Sex . This would get pasted over every description of Edward's cold and marble-like skin, because Stephanie Meyer's ossification of the human body bums me out.
I'd toss in photos of Michelangelo's David and Christ on the Cross, just to show how the nude male body has been depicted over time. (Women can certainly complain about the female nude, but since the rise of Christianity in the West, the most predominate male nude is Jesus' broken body on the Cross. The primary visual representation of the male body is one of torture.) In would go some stills of the pretty blond-haired girl who has just devoured her bickering parents in Romero's “Night of the Living Dead” because zombies freak me the hell out the way vampires never did. Also, because in the ongoing conversation I've had about this book with my sister, which ended in the double dog dare that I read it, she expressed bewilderment as to how anyone could love a dead thing. Quote she: “Vampires are just high-functioning zombies.” More than the crap prose, the endless adverbs, the discouragingly accurate portrayal of adolescent discomfort, this may have done the book in for me. Zombies man, brrr.
I'd put in wads of tp, to represent for my daughter, who some day may find this book appealing. But also for another reason: I recently had occasion to be in one of the local high schools, not the one I graduated from. I went into the bathroom, had some good times reading the graffiti: various people are bitches, etc. Then I looked up, and the ceiling was dotted with wads of dried tp, stuck to the ceiling after some industrious young women had spent what I know from personal experience is a very long time getting those suckers to stick. Throw too soft, and they won't even hit the ceiling. Throw too hard, and they'll bounce back. You've got to get them wet enough to stick, but not so wet they just fall apart. Stupid, futile and possibly disgusting, but emblematic of times spend with other girls doing the useless and possibly damaging things that made adolescence so enjoyable. I think I'll do without the cat shit. I'd douse the book in the cologne my first boyfriend wore, that, the smell of cigarettes and leather jackets. Mmmm, smell-o-vision. Then, I'd cover it with the brown paper bag covers we all put over our text-books in school to protect the actual covers. I'd draw all manner of doodles, phone numbers, one liners, hearts and bunnies all over the outside. Finally, I would affix a picture of Spider Jerusalem on the title page, and dot it with pink nail-polish blobs in a heart shape around the picture. Then I'd put the book away and try very hard never to think of it again.
(less)
234 likes · like · see review
Sharon
Fun, quirky review. Had me laughing from the words Dog, Cat & Shit. Tee Hee
However like Oriana stated, I too did like this book for reasons I can'...more Fun, quirky review. Had me laughing from the words Dog, Cat & Shit. Tee Hee
However like Oriana stated, I too did like this book for reasons I can't explain....even though it is fun picking it apart & making fun of it.(less)
Sep 12, 2012 01:44pm
However like Oriana stated, I too did like this book for reasons I can'...more Fun, quirky review. Had me laughing from the words Dog, Cat & Shit. Tee Hee
However like Oriana stated, I too did like this book for reasons I can't explain....even though it is fun picking it apart & making fun of it.(less)
Sep 12, 2012 01:44pm
I got so tired of receiving Twilight questions on the Never-Ending Quiz that I went out and bought a copy. It's about as good as I had expected, but I have already managed to answer a few questions correctly.
An anecdote which I at least found amusing. Shortly after buying it, I was invited to an eighteenth birthday party (our next door neighbor's daughter). I had the following conversation with Cate:
"So I suppose you read the Twilight books?"
"No, what are they?"
"You know, those vampire books. I...more I got so tired of receiving Twilight questions on the Never-Ending Quiz that I went out and bought a copy. It's about as good as I had expected, but I have already managed to answer a few questions correctly.
An anecdote which I at least found amusing. Shortly after buying it, I was invited to an eighteenth birthday party (our next door neighbor's daughter). I had the following conversation with Cate:
"So I suppose you read the Twilight books?"
"No, what are they?"
"You know, those vampire books. I just bought the first one."
"Oh... right. Can I borrow it when you're finished?"
She wasn't just teasing me... when I left, she checked to make sure I remembered. So somehow I've ended up supplying Stephenie Meyer to 18 year old girls. How did that happen?
****************
OK, now I've finished it. I still don't understand why this is apparently the greatest publishing phenomenon of the post-Potter world. Here are a few hypotheses:
Sex. Don't underestimate sex, everyone knows it sells books. And there are some pretty steamy, graphic descriptions of kissing and snuggling, which could conceivably get a suggestible pre-teen all hot and bothered. I'm not a suggestible pre-teen, so it's a little difficult to judge.
Style. Often more important than people realise. It's a first-person narrative, and yes, it does read as though it had been written by a shy, bookish, 17 year old girl, whose main literary output to date had been essays about Macbeth and Jane Eyre for her English class. You can positively hear her congratulating herself every time she uses a polysyllabic word. (Well done, Manny, "polysyllabic" is bound to net me an extra point!) So I guess this says something about the author's skill, or helps teen readers identify with the heroine?
Paedophilia. You're constantly reading about all those creepy paedophiles who lurk in chatrooms, pretending to be teenagers and trying to groom unsuspecting victims. This is, formally, a romance between a 17-year old female virgin and a centenarian. You can see how useful it would be. "I just love Twilight! It doesn't bother me at all that he's so much older than her! I think he loves her just as much as she loves him!" Excuse me while I throw up, I got too far into character there for a moment.
Unfortunately, none of these explanations really convince me. I must find someone to ask! Well, having now finished the book, I'm going to lend it to Cate across the road - in fact, she and her parents are coming to dinner this evening. But I think Cate will be as mystified as I am. How about my goddaughter Sophie, who's only 12? My first thought is that she'll find it too unsophisticated, but perhaps I'm overestimating her. Stay tuned for further updates.
****************
Those further updates I promised. It's only a sample of two, and I would love more data, but so far I am not convinced that all young womanhood in the Western world is infected with the deadly Meyer mind-virus.
As I said, I lent the book to Cate-across-the-road (just turned 18, cute, party animal). I was indeed a little apprehensive when she asked to borrow my copy. But when I saw her today and asked for an opinion, it rapidly become clear that she hadn't even looked at it - she has better things to do than read this trash. She was relieved when I made it clear that I was the opposite of offended.
I also polled my goddaughter Sophie (almost 13, smart, voracious reader, into chess and any kind of sport). When I dropped by for our usual Sunday morning chess session, I asked her if she had read Twilight. There was a brief moment of mildly embarrassed silence, which I interpreted as: why is he asking me such a dumb question, that's not like him? Then she shrugged and said no, she hadn't, and we went back to looking at the Slav Defense.
It would be reassuring to hear more stories like these, though...
****************
http://www.goodreads.com/trivia/detai...
I couldn't resist the temptation to post this question on the Quiz. So far no one has flamed me, but it's early days yet.
Come on, Twilight fans, you afraid of a fight?
****************
I hardly got flamed at all. Damn! Sorry, Twilight fans, you are as insipid as your heroine.
****************
Another update. Oh dear. Cate finally gave back the copy that she'd borrowed several months ago. I'm afraid to say that she's not merely read it, she loved it. Now she's going to read the whole series. What have I done?
Not only that, Sophie saw the movie and thought it was "great". I was doing my best not to succumb to hysteria before I'd had a chance to evaluate the facts for myself, but now I'm starting to feel seriously concerned. Maybe the Meyer mind-virus really does exist.
(less)
An anecdote which I at least found amusing. Shortly after buying it, I was invited to an eighteenth birthday party (our next door neighbor's daughter). I had the following conversation with Cate:
"So I suppose you read the Twilight books?"
"No, what are they?"
"You know, those vampire books. I...more I got so tired of receiving Twilight questions on the Never-Ending Quiz that I went out and bought a copy. It's about as good as I had expected, but I have already managed to answer a few questions correctly.
An anecdote which I at least found amusing. Shortly after buying it, I was invited to an eighteenth birthday party (our next door neighbor's daughter). I had the following conversation with Cate:
"So I suppose you read the Twilight books?"
"No, what are they?"
"You know, those vampire books. I just bought the first one."
"Oh... right. Can I borrow it when you're finished?"
She wasn't just teasing me... when I left, she checked to make sure I remembered. So somehow I've ended up supplying Stephenie Meyer to 18 year old girls. How did that happen?
****************
OK, now I've finished it. I still don't understand why this is apparently the greatest publishing phenomenon of the post-Potter world. Here are a few hypotheses:
Sex. Don't underestimate sex, everyone knows it sells books. And there are some pretty steamy, graphic descriptions of kissing and snuggling, which could conceivably get a suggestible pre-teen all hot and bothered. I'm not a suggestible pre-teen, so it's a little difficult to judge.
Style. Often more important than people realise. It's a first-person narrative, and yes, it does read as though it had been written by a shy, bookish, 17 year old girl, whose main literary output to date had been essays about Macbeth and Jane Eyre for her English class. You can positively hear her congratulating herself every time she uses a polysyllabic word. (Well done, Manny, "polysyllabic" is bound to net me an extra point!) So I guess this says something about the author's skill, or helps teen readers identify with the heroine?
Paedophilia. You're constantly reading about all those creepy paedophiles who lurk in chatrooms, pretending to be teenagers and trying to groom unsuspecting victims. This is, formally, a romance between a 17-year old female virgin and a centenarian. You can see how useful it would be. "I just love Twilight! It doesn't bother me at all that he's so much older than her! I think he loves her just as much as she loves him!" Excuse me while I throw up, I got too far into character there for a moment.
Unfortunately, none of these explanations really convince me. I must find someone to ask! Well, having now finished the book, I'm going to lend it to Cate across the road - in fact, she and her parents are coming to dinner this evening. But I think Cate will be as mystified as I am. How about my goddaughter Sophie, who's only 12? My first thought is that she'll find it too unsophisticated, but perhaps I'm overestimating her. Stay tuned for further updates.
****************
Those further updates I promised. It's only a sample of two, and I would love more data, but so far I am not convinced that all young womanhood in the Western world is infected with the deadly Meyer mind-virus.
As I said, I lent the book to Cate-across-the-road (just turned 18, cute, party animal). I was indeed a little apprehensive when she asked to borrow my copy. But when I saw her today and asked for an opinion, it rapidly become clear that she hadn't even looked at it - she has better things to do than read this trash. She was relieved when I made it clear that I was the opposite of offended.
I also polled my goddaughter Sophie (almost 13, smart, voracious reader, into chess and any kind of sport). When I dropped by for our usual Sunday morning chess session, I asked her if she had read Twilight. There was a brief moment of mildly embarrassed silence, which I interpreted as: why is he asking me such a dumb question, that's not like him? Then she shrugged and said no, she hadn't, and we went back to looking at the Slav Defense.
It would be reassuring to hear more stories like these, though...
****************
http://www.goodreads.com/trivia/detai...
I couldn't resist the temptation to post this question on the Quiz. So far no one has flamed me, but it's early days yet.
Come on, Twilight fans, you afraid of a fight?
****************
I hardly got flamed at all. Damn! Sorry, Twilight fans, you are as insipid as your heroine.
****************
Another update. Oh dear. Cate finally gave back the copy that she'd borrowed several months ago. I'm afraid to say that she's not merely read it, she loved it. Now she's going to read the whole series. What have I done?
Not only that, Sophie saw the movie and thought it was "great". I was doing my best not to succumb to hysteria before I'd had a chance to evaluate the facts for myself, but now I'm starting to feel seriously concerned. Maybe the Meyer mind-virus really does exist.
(less)
104 likes · like · see review
Irena Atanasoska
Manny wrote: "But Edward is rather odd version of the Bad Boy. To start with, he refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married."
yes, indeed. Ma...more Manny wrote: "But Edward is rather odd version of the Bad Boy. To start with, he refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married."
yes, indeed. Maybe he's a new version of bad boy. When I was teen the bad boys were listening to rock, metal, trash or punk. We admired their freedom and independence and other nonsense yet new generations find bad boys more like depressed , tortured souls.(less)
May 07, 2013 09:12am
yes, indeed. Ma...more Manny wrote: "But Edward is rather odd version of the Bad Boy. To start with, he refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married."
yes, indeed. Maybe he's a new version of bad boy. When I was teen the bad boys were listening to rock, metal, trash or punk. We admired their freedom and independence and other nonsense yet new generations find bad boys more like depressed , tortured souls.(less)
May 07, 2013 09:12am
Manny
One of the many problems I have with Twilight is that Stephenie Meyer can't seem to decide if Edward is a Bad Boy or a Good Boy. This is perhaps most...more
One of the many problems I have with Twilight is that Stephenie Meyer can't seem to decide if Edward is a Bad Boy or a Good Boy. This is perhaps most obvious in the third volume, supposedly modeled on Wuthering Heights, where people find it equally easy to see resemblances to Heathcliff and to Linton.
In some authors, it would be easy to go from here to acclaiming their genius, but somehow it's hard to do that with Meyer. She is just such a terrible writer.(less)
May 07, 2013 12:56pm
In some authors, it would be easy to go from here to acclaiming their genius, but somehow it's hard to do that with Meyer. She is just such a terrible writer.(less)
May 07, 2013 12:56pm
May 27, 2008
Shannon (Giraffe Days)
rated it
5 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommended to Shannon (Giraffe Days) by:
Kiwiria
Shelves:
paranormal,
ya,
vampires,
favourite,
2007,
shape-shifters,
urban-fantasy,
romance,
cover-love
Oh my. This book, to me, is like chocolate: a delicious, sinful, addictive indulgence which you convince yourself has beneficial qualities (zinc, calcium, keeps me quiet at that time of the month...) in order to justify your addiction.
By "beneficial qualities", I mean that it's reading, and since when is reading bad? :) Let me say quite clearly that I'm a sucker for romance, especially the intense, passionate, tragic kind. I don't read romance novels*, though, because to me they are lacklustre -...more Oh my. This book, to me, is like chocolate: a delicious, sinful, addictive indulgence which you convince yourself has beneficial qualities (zinc, calcium, keeps me quiet at that time of the month...) in order to justify your addiction.
By "beneficial qualities", I mean that it's reading, and since when is reading bad? :) Let me say quite clearly that I'm a sucker for romance, especially the intense, passionate, tragic kind. I don't read romance novels*, though, because to me they are lacklustre - Meyer's book has the extra edge I need, though, a great way of keeping doom hanging over the main characters' heads: she's human, he's a vampire.
Sound corny? Yeah, I know, and the only reason Meyer gets away with it as well as she does is because Twilight doesn't try to be anything it's not, and it has such conviction. Only Meyer could get away with giving her narrator the name Isabella Swan. She says in her little bio at the back that she wanted to write believable characters: an interesting choice, then, to write about vampires, but I believed in them, and without such a willing suspension of disbelief, the story would have been a farce. True, a lot of people haven't been able to suspend their disbelief with this book, but that doesn't affect my reading experience :)
Seventeen year old Bella's parents are divorced. She lives with her mum in Phoenix, Arizona, and spends time with her dad Charlie in Forks, Washington State, where it rains almost constantly. She hates Forks, but when her mum remarries a baseball player, Phil, and starts travelling with him, Bella decides to move to Forks.
On her first day at school she notices the isolated group of five beautiful, graceful siblings. Rosalie, Alice, Emmet, Edward and Jasper. One in particular catches her eye: Edward Cullen, with his rust-brown hair and topaz eyes. She is more than a little surprised and shocked when he seems to have developed an acute, profound hatred of her. Her fascination deepens, especially when, after a brief disappearance, he saves her life. She soon figures out what Edward is, and the knowledge doesn't frighten her. The shaky friendship between them develops into something much stronger, and Edward reveals his overpowering reaction to her smell that nearly made him kill her on the spot - hence the look on his face that so shocked her, and the restraint he put on himself during an hour of Biology.
Let's not forget he's incredibly handsome: even though Bella describes almost every glance he makes and every twitch of his lips, not once did I get bored and roll my eyes. My fascination grew alongside hers, until I too fell in love with Edward - in a totally girly, daydreamy way. Yes, I admit it. I don't know if that makes this a girly kind of book - these days those boundaries don't seem to matter so much, and the vampire family is pretty darn cool, what with Edward's extra ability to read minds, Alice's premonitions, Jasper's ability to affect people's emotions, their speed, their invincibility... Bella is at one point compared to Lois Lane, because Edward and his kin really are like Superman.
One of the things I love about YA books: the clarity with which they are written. Granted there is some repetition in Twilight, but to me it's necessary repetition. There's nothing superfluous in Twilight, nothing that shouldn't be there, and the flow, the pacing, is great. It's a fat book, but I read it in two days. I read it with breakfast, on my walk to the subway, on the subway, up the escalator, through the ticket gates, to work, in my lunch break ... you get the picture. I couldn't get enough of it, and it left me with that same craving for more that Harry Potter did (I remember scrounging around for loose change as soon as I finished one of them and dashing off into the city to get my next fix. It helped that four were already out when I started). There's plenty of negative stuff you could say about this book - the writing, the characters, the obsession - but again, I couldn't care less :)
Another thing I loved was all the vampire myths Meyer scrapped. These vampires aren't burnt to ash by sunlight: their marble skin glitters as the sunlight is broken into miniscule shards, like diamonds - hence why they are living in Forks, where the sun hardly ever shines. They are not hurt by crucifixes or stakes through the heart. They do not sleep at all, nor do they eat human food. They drive fast cars really really fast. And they can fall in love. Awwww.
Seriously though, this was one of most fun, most enjoyable, most romantic books I've read in a long time, and I'm so happy there are two more out with a fourth on the way. They are, somewhat predictably, making Twilight into a movie - still in the early development stage - but it's rather fun to go to the author's website and see her own preferences for actors to play Edward etc. Can't say I'm familiar with most of them, but her top choice (now sadly too old), is indeed a perfect match. Who knows who they'll really cast, but as with the book, the characters have to be right or the whole story will be just silly and sappy.
_____________________________________
*Since reading this the first time back in 2007, I've started reading some romance novels. Yes I've been corrupted. Or rather, I've always loved romance stories but had trouble admitting it. Now, I just don't care :)(less)
By "beneficial qualities", I mean that it's reading, and since when is reading bad? :) Let me say quite clearly that I'm a sucker for romance, especially the intense, passionate, tragic kind. I don't read romance novels*, though, because to me they are lacklustre -...more Oh my. This book, to me, is like chocolate: a delicious, sinful, addictive indulgence which you convince yourself has beneficial qualities (zinc, calcium, keeps me quiet at that time of the month...) in order to justify your addiction.
By "beneficial qualities", I mean that it's reading, and since when is reading bad? :) Let me say quite clearly that I'm a sucker for romance, especially the intense, passionate, tragic kind. I don't read romance novels*, though, because to me they are lacklustre - Meyer's book has the extra edge I need, though, a great way of keeping doom hanging over the main characters' heads: she's human, he's a vampire.
Sound corny? Yeah, I know, and the only reason Meyer gets away with it as well as she does is because Twilight doesn't try to be anything it's not, and it has such conviction. Only Meyer could get away with giving her narrator the name Isabella Swan. She says in her little bio at the back that she wanted to write believable characters: an interesting choice, then, to write about vampires, but I believed in them, and without such a willing suspension of disbelief, the story would have been a farce. True, a lot of people haven't been able to suspend their disbelief with this book, but that doesn't affect my reading experience :)
Seventeen year old Bella's parents are divorced. She lives with her mum in Phoenix, Arizona, and spends time with her dad Charlie in Forks, Washington State, where it rains almost constantly. She hates Forks, but when her mum remarries a baseball player, Phil, and starts travelling with him, Bella decides to move to Forks.
On her first day at school she notices the isolated group of five beautiful, graceful siblings. Rosalie, Alice, Emmet, Edward and Jasper. One in particular catches her eye: Edward Cullen, with his rust-brown hair and topaz eyes. She is more than a little surprised and shocked when he seems to have developed an acute, profound hatred of her. Her fascination deepens, especially when, after a brief disappearance, he saves her life. She soon figures out what Edward is, and the knowledge doesn't frighten her. The shaky friendship between them develops into something much stronger, and Edward reveals his overpowering reaction to her smell that nearly made him kill her on the spot - hence the look on his face that so shocked her, and the restraint he put on himself during an hour of Biology.
Let's not forget he's incredibly handsome: even though Bella describes almost every glance he makes and every twitch of his lips, not once did I get bored and roll my eyes. My fascination grew alongside hers, until I too fell in love with Edward - in a totally girly, daydreamy way. Yes, I admit it. I don't know if that makes this a girly kind of book - these days those boundaries don't seem to matter so much, and the vampire family is pretty darn cool, what with Edward's extra ability to read minds, Alice's premonitions, Jasper's ability to affect people's emotions, their speed, their invincibility... Bella is at one point compared to Lois Lane, because Edward and his kin really are like Superman.
One of the things I love about YA books: the clarity with which they are written. Granted there is some repetition in Twilight, but to me it's necessary repetition. There's nothing superfluous in Twilight, nothing that shouldn't be there, and the flow, the pacing, is great. It's a fat book, but I read it in two days. I read it with breakfast, on my walk to the subway, on the subway, up the escalator, through the ticket gates, to work, in my lunch break ... you get the picture. I couldn't get enough of it, and it left me with that same craving for more that Harry Potter did (I remember scrounging around for loose change as soon as I finished one of them and dashing off into the city to get my next fix. It helped that four were already out when I started). There's plenty of negative stuff you could say about this book - the writing, the characters, the obsession - but again, I couldn't care less :)
Another thing I loved was all the vampire myths Meyer scrapped. These vampires aren't burnt to ash by sunlight: their marble skin glitters as the sunlight is broken into miniscule shards, like diamonds - hence why they are living in Forks, where the sun hardly ever shines. They are not hurt by crucifixes or stakes through the heart. They do not sleep at all, nor do they eat human food. They drive fast cars really really fast. And they can fall in love. Awwww.
Seriously though, this was one of most fun, most enjoyable, most romantic books I've read in a long time, and I'm so happy there are two more out with a fourth on the way. They are, somewhat predictably, making Twilight into a movie - still in the early development stage - but it's rather fun to go to the author's website and see her own preferences for actors to play Edward etc. Can't say I'm familiar with most of them, but her top choice (now sadly too old), is indeed a perfect match. Who knows who they'll really cast, but as with the book, the characters have to be right or the whole story will be just silly and sappy.
_____________________________________
*Since reading this the first time back in 2007, I've started reading some romance novels. Yes I've been corrupted. Or rather, I've always loved romance stories but had trouble admitting it. Now, I just don't care :)(less)
344 likes · like · see review
Natalie Morris
Ah I'm looking at this in the future. :) 2013 and they've come out with all the books, movies, and a PDF for Midnight Sun (in Edwards point of view)!!...more
Ah I'm looking at this in the future. :) 2013 and they've come out with all the books, movies, and a PDF for Midnight Sun (in Edwards point of view)!!! I just can't believe how you pictured the characters before the movie!!! :) lol I often wonder what I would have come up with...! :) love the review!!(less)
May 08, 2013 07:20am
May 08, 2013 07:20am
Jun 14, 2008
Hilaire
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
no one, not even my most hated enemy!
Recommended to Hilaire by:
the Net
my original critique: http://icantthinkofanythingrightnow.b...
Twilight is stupid and lame-o
I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock.
Isabella is nothing more than a Ma...more my original critique: http://icantthinkofanythingrightnow.b...
Twilight is stupid and lame-o
I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock.
Isabella is nothing more than a Mary Sue. It doesn’t even take a genius to figure out that ‘Bella’ is Italian for ‘beautiful’. And her last name is ‘Swan’, which as a device in literature, symbolizes grace and beauty. Bella Swan? Beautiful Swan? Not very clever.
Here’s the contradiction: She’s ordinary. At least that’s what she keeps on insisting throughout the book. Practically everyone in her new school asks her to the dance, or to the prom. And she gets the guy who apparently “doesn’t date” because “none of the girls… are good-looking enough for him.” Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author’s, as well as her story of moving to a new place. If it helps, she’s a klutz – a last ditching effort to not make her a complete Mary Sue.
Most readers who like Twilight relate to Bella. Well I don’t. I can’t possibly relate with a young woman with no plans, no goals, no solid interests, no personality, no deep observations of life, no nothing - but is just “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” her boyfriend. I really can’t. There’s something so shallow and pathetic about it; the way she’s willing to throw away her friends and family for a guy she has been acquainted with for just… two weeks? Besides, she is extremely boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep while she talks. And if she’s not obsessing over Edward, she does, well, nothing but whines, or tells him and his family that she doesn’t want to be rescued.
I would have liked it if Meyer had given her a little backbone and some brain cells, so she can get out of the stupid situations she puts her stupid self in. I don’t buy her “I grew up in Phoenix” statement. Nobody who grew up in Phoenix would be an idiot enough to wander around empty streets of an unfamiliar city alone. Then again, her idiocy is necessary to give way to her savior, Edward Cullen.
Edward is a vampire – oops! – a perfect vampire. He’s the most beautiful thing which ever existed… Have I mentioned that he’s perfect? And that he has topaz eyes?
He’s also bipolar. He’s serious one time, and then laughs exuberantly another. Insane mood swings, I tell you. He’s supposed to be your perfect male protagonist – hawt!!! (not hot; it should be hawt and must always be followed by three exclamation points), dangerous, smart, mysterious, perfect, and, uhm, sparkly (although the last adjective is not really required; it’s just a bonus if you’re lucky enough). He has this stalker-ish behavior, which is sick: He sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. Some think that it’s romantic, but it’s just creepy. I don’t understand what’s so romantic about it.
Edward is 100-something years old and lives with his vampire family. Apparently he and his family don’t drink human blood, because they don’t want to be completely evil. They’re vegetarians: They only drink blood of animals. They are basically good vampires - who play baseball in the woods. (Ha! Who told you it’s boring to be a vampire? You’re allowed to play baseball!) And every myth about vampire is WRONG! Stakes, garlic, sleeping in coffin (although the idea of not sleeping ever was okay) – even sunlight!
But you know, age and race don’t matter in this book, because Edward and Bella actually fall in love! As for the reason… what is the reason again? Oh, because Bella smells good and Edward is hawt!!!. They’re made for each other! It’s destiny!
Seriously: The romance between them is forced and trite. And it’s even more boring than they both are, because they have no personality whatsoever. Geez, what am I saying? There’s no romance at all. There is no development of feelings. Just… BAM! They’re in love! They don’t even do anything but talk about how in love they are. From there, everything becomes sheer selfishness, and for the nth time, stupidity. Bella’s life revolves around her boyfriend, and nothing more. Not only is it absurd; it also gives horrible messages, namely:
1. It’s okay to fall in love in a matter of days and then risk your life for it.
2. You don’t have to have dreams or goals or anything like that; just get a girl/boyfriend. It’s far more important!
3. It’s perfectly fine to lie to your parents especially when it concerns your girl/boyfriend.
4. Ditch your friends. Girl/Boyfriend first, I tell you! Girl/Boyfriend first!
Considering the fact that Edward is so much older than Bella, shouldn’t he be more rational? Shouldn’t he be the mature one? Knowing he can kill Bella, he should have just left her alone. And how come Edward just blabbers everything to Bella? You know, the vampire stuff? For someone who has been in this world for more than a hundred years, he sure displays the maturity of a fetus.
And he’s supposed to be dangerous. That could have worked, if only Bella had the wits to be actually scared. It’s funny; that girl’s so brainless you can’t possibly scare her! As for Edward, it would have been better if he had shown how dangerous he could be. Then again, he is a good vampire, and he doesn’t want to become a monster. So he can only talk about it when it would be cooler for him to show it.
Oh, how could I forget! Edward SPARKLES UNDER THE SUN! Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? The coolest thing ever?! It’s like the very magnificent thing next to Edward! Sparkly sparkles! He sparkles, man, he sparkles “like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” of his skin! Sparkling! Glittering! Glistening! Scintillating! Oh! my! gosh! Meyer is so original! Who else could have thought that?!
The plot is absolutely zero (the romance between Bella and Edward is not a plot). It’s basically just “He’s a vampire, she’s not. They fall in love. End of story.” And there were a lot of loopholes:
1. Why would the Cullens want to study in high school?! This is my number one question. Hello? Are they nuts? Can someone answer this for me?
2. Why would they want to blend in with the rest of humanity?
3. Why would they put themselves near humans when they know it’s hard to resist biting them?
4. Why would one bad vampire like to bite Bella specifically?
I’d like to answer and expand on loophole 4, because it’s absolutely preposterous. I didn’t even care about that James-vampire when he appeared, because his arrival was so cliched and so late. It’s like Meyer suddenly remembered that there should be something climax-y in Twilight, just to give it a semblance of a plot. This James ought to do the trick. He should be the one to threaten Bella’s life and then she makes an insanely silly mistake and she almost gets killed BUT Edward rescues her!
Meyer’s writing style isn’t something to commend on either; she writes like a twelve-year old. She makes Dan Brown look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted. The narration is unexciting, dragging, and redundant. Bella keeps telling the readers how much she hates the rain in the first 100 pages of the book, and how she can’t dance If not that, she repetitively says how perfect and beautiful Edward is. What’s ironic is that despite all the perfect descriptions of him, I never quite pictured him in my mind. I’m still wondering how the rest of humanity can drool and squeal at the thought of him.
Bella glares all the time, too. Bella also grimaces a lot, and hisses, and stumbles. Glares, grimaces, hisses, stumbles. Four redundant freakin’ verbs in a 500-page book. That’s not so much, unless you can count only to three.
Meanwhile, Edward always smiles his crooked smile, and he dazzles people (especially Bella).
Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’.
Meyer also occasionally uses ridiculously long AND obscure words, which don’t quite fit since the rest of her words are plain and simple. I remember one: Ostentatious. She could have simply used ‘showy’ or ‘flamboyant’, but it just had to be ostentatious. Why she used that, I’ve no idea. (In the next books, Meyer uses bigger words. I wonder how big they are…)
And you know, Meyer ends Twilight with Bella attending the PROM. That’s how a vampire story should end: The heroine should attend the prom with her vampire boyfriend. In that ruffled gown and stiletto heels… It just makes sense (although it did take Bella about ten years to figure out Edward is taking her to the prom. What an idiot). Meyer skipped the almost action-y part (Emmett and Jasper’s dealing with James) but she elaborates on the prom.
Now that I’ve finished reading and dissecting Twilight, I still don’t understand all the hype it’s getting. It reads like a bad fan fic. I won't stop you from reading it, though. That's a choice for you to make.(less)
Twilight is stupid and lame-o
I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock.
Isabella is nothing more than a Ma...more my original critique: http://icantthinkofanythingrightnow.b...
Twilight is stupid and lame-o
I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock.
Isabella is nothing more than a Mary Sue. It doesn’t even take a genius to figure out that ‘Bella’ is Italian for ‘beautiful’. And her last name is ‘Swan’, which as a device in literature, symbolizes grace and beauty. Bella Swan? Beautiful Swan? Not very clever.
Here’s the contradiction: She’s ordinary. At least that’s what she keeps on insisting throughout the book. Practically everyone in her new school asks her to the dance, or to the prom. And she gets the guy who apparently “doesn’t date” because “none of the girls… are good-looking enough for him.” Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author’s, as well as her story of moving to a new place. If it helps, she’s a klutz – a last ditching effort to not make her a complete Mary Sue.
Most readers who like Twilight relate to Bella. Well I don’t. I can’t possibly relate with a young woman with no plans, no goals, no solid interests, no personality, no deep observations of life, no nothing - but is just “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” her boyfriend. I really can’t. There’s something so shallow and pathetic about it; the way she’s willing to throw away her friends and family for a guy she has been acquainted with for just… two weeks? Besides, she is extremely boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep while she talks. And if she’s not obsessing over Edward, she does, well, nothing but whines, or tells him and his family that she doesn’t want to be rescued.
I would have liked it if Meyer had given her a little backbone and some brain cells, so she can get out of the stupid situations she puts her stupid self in. I don’t buy her “I grew up in Phoenix” statement. Nobody who grew up in Phoenix would be an idiot enough to wander around empty streets of an unfamiliar city alone. Then again, her idiocy is necessary to give way to her savior, Edward Cullen.
Edward is a vampire – oops! – a perfect vampire. He’s the most beautiful thing which ever existed… Have I mentioned that he’s perfect? And that he has topaz eyes?
He’s also bipolar. He’s serious one time, and then laughs exuberantly another. Insane mood swings, I tell you. He’s supposed to be your perfect male protagonist – hawt!!! (not hot; it should be hawt and must always be followed by three exclamation points), dangerous, smart, mysterious, perfect, and, uhm, sparkly (although the last adjective is not really required; it’s just a bonus if you’re lucky enough). He has this stalker-ish behavior, which is sick: He sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. Some think that it’s romantic, but it’s just creepy. I don’t understand what’s so romantic about it.
Edward is 100-something years old and lives with his vampire family. Apparently he and his family don’t drink human blood, because they don’t want to be completely evil. They’re vegetarians: They only drink blood of animals. They are basically good vampires - who play baseball in the woods. (Ha! Who told you it’s boring to be a vampire? You’re allowed to play baseball!) And every myth about vampire is WRONG! Stakes, garlic, sleeping in coffin (although the idea of not sleeping ever was okay) – even sunlight!
But you know, age and race don’t matter in this book, because Edward and Bella actually fall in love! As for the reason… what is the reason again? Oh, because Bella smells good and Edward is hawt!!!. They’re made for each other! It’s destiny!
Seriously: The romance between them is forced and trite. And it’s even more boring than they both are, because they have no personality whatsoever. Geez, what am I saying? There’s no romance at all. There is no development of feelings. Just… BAM! They’re in love! They don’t even do anything but talk about how in love they are. From there, everything becomes sheer selfishness, and for the nth time, stupidity. Bella’s life revolves around her boyfriend, and nothing more. Not only is it absurd; it also gives horrible messages, namely:
1. It’s okay to fall in love in a matter of days and then risk your life for it.
2. You don’t have to have dreams or goals or anything like that; just get a girl/boyfriend. It’s far more important!
3. It’s perfectly fine to lie to your parents especially when it concerns your girl/boyfriend.
4. Ditch your friends. Girl/Boyfriend first, I tell you! Girl/Boyfriend first!
Considering the fact that Edward is so much older than Bella, shouldn’t he be more rational? Shouldn’t he be the mature one? Knowing he can kill Bella, he should have just left her alone. And how come Edward just blabbers everything to Bella? You know, the vampire stuff? For someone who has been in this world for more than a hundred years, he sure displays the maturity of a fetus.
And he’s supposed to be dangerous. That could have worked, if only Bella had the wits to be actually scared. It’s funny; that girl’s so brainless you can’t possibly scare her! As for Edward, it would have been better if he had shown how dangerous he could be. Then again, he is a good vampire, and he doesn’t want to become a monster. So he can only talk about it when it would be cooler for him to show it.
Oh, how could I forget! Edward SPARKLES UNDER THE SUN! Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? The coolest thing ever?! It’s like the very magnificent thing next to Edward! Sparkly sparkles! He sparkles, man, he sparkles “like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” of his skin! Sparkling! Glittering! Glistening! Scintillating! Oh! my! gosh! Meyer is so original! Who else could have thought that?!
The plot is absolutely zero (the romance between Bella and Edward is not a plot). It’s basically just “He’s a vampire, she’s not. They fall in love. End of story.” And there were a lot of loopholes:
1. Why would the Cullens want to study in high school?! This is my number one question. Hello? Are they nuts? Can someone answer this for me?
2. Why would they want to blend in with the rest of humanity?
3. Why would they put themselves near humans when they know it’s hard to resist biting them?
4. Why would one bad vampire like to bite Bella specifically?
I’d like to answer and expand on loophole 4, because it’s absolutely preposterous. I didn’t even care about that James-vampire when he appeared, because his arrival was so cliched and so late. It’s like Meyer suddenly remembered that there should be something climax-y in Twilight, just to give it a semblance of a plot. This James ought to do the trick. He should be the one to threaten Bella’s life and then she makes an insanely silly mistake and she almost gets killed BUT Edward rescues her!
Meyer’s writing style isn’t something to commend on either; she writes like a twelve-year old. She makes Dan Brown look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted. The narration is unexciting, dragging, and redundant. Bella keeps telling the readers how much she hates the rain in the first 100 pages of the book, and how she can’t dance If not that, she repetitively says how perfect and beautiful Edward is. What’s ironic is that despite all the perfect descriptions of him, I never quite pictured him in my mind. I’m still wondering how the rest of humanity can drool and squeal at the thought of him.
Bella glares all the time, too. Bella also grimaces a lot, and hisses, and stumbles. Glares, grimaces, hisses, stumbles. Four redundant freakin’ verbs in a 500-page book. That’s not so much, unless you can count only to three.
Meanwhile, Edward always smiles his crooked smile, and he dazzles people (especially Bella).
Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’.
Meyer also occasionally uses ridiculously long AND obscure words, which don’t quite fit since the rest of her words are plain and simple. I remember one: Ostentatious. She could have simply used ‘showy’ or ‘flamboyant’, but it just had to be ostentatious. Why she used that, I’ve no idea. (In the next books, Meyer uses bigger words. I wonder how big they are…)
And you know, Meyer ends Twilight with Bella attending the PROM. That’s how a vampire story should end: The heroine should attend the prom with her vampire boyfriend. In that ruffled gown and stiletto heels… It just makes sense (although it did take Bella about ten years to figure out Edward is taking her to the prom. What an idiot). Meyer skipped the almost action-y part (Emmett and Jasper’s dealing with James) but she elaborates on the prom.
Now that I’ve finished reading and dissecting Twilight, I still don’t understand all the hype it’s getting. It reads like a bad fan fic. I won't stop you from reading it, though. That's a choice for you to make.(less)
238 likes · like · see review
Mariah Javed( I am CRAZY!!!!)
Ugh......really I need to talk to u .....are u crazy (no offence) but how could u think so logically by reading a fictional book....???? By the way Ed...more
Ugh......really I need to talk to u .....are u crazy (no offence) but how could u think so logically by reading a fictional book....???? By the way Edward Cullen twilight as well really rock ;((less)
Jul 27, 2012 07:53am
Jul 27, 2012 07:53am
Helsic 伊明海
deleted user wrote: "lol this note is better written than the book itself"
ahahah I totally agree.
Oct 08, 2012 09:18am
ahahah I totally agree.
Oct 08, 2012 09:18am
Jan 24, 2008
Melissa Rudder
rated it
4 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommended to Melissa by:
Student
About a month ago, a student let me borrow a book. Well, she actually didn't let me borrow the book. She pretty much thrust it upon me and insisted that I read it.
So I let it sit in my classroom for a month.
Yesterday, she left me a note about reading it. Feeling guilty, I stuffed it into my bag at the end of the day. I had been wanting a fun read anyway. Might as well try this. Even though the plot--girl falls in love with a vampire--didn't interest me much.
I started reading Stephenie Meyer's fi...more About a month ago, a student let me borrow a book. Well, she actually didn't let me borrow the book. She pretty much thrust it upon me and insisted that I read it.
So I let it sit in my classroom for a month.
Yesterday, she left me a note about reading it. Feeling guilty, I stuffed it into my bag at the end of the day. I had been wanting a fun read anyway. Might as well try this. Even though the plot--girl falls in love with a vampire--didn't interest me much.
I started reading Stephenie Meyer's five-hundred page teen-read, Twilight, at about eleven last night. I stayed up ridiculously late reading and my first thoughts this morning were of continuing where I left off. Which leaves me here, in the middle of my Saturday, without any papers graded and with a rather ignored husband, finished with the book and still so interested in it that I have insisted on writing the review now.
The book captured my interest as early as the preface. Though most readers go into the story with much more knowledge than the protagonist, Bella, has (we know that the strange, fantastically attractive boy at school, Edward, is a vampire), Meyers does an excellent job of creating mystery at the onset of the novel. She makes the reader feel overwhelmed with questions so he/she stays around long enough to be enchanted by Meyer's control over language and endearing characters. I admired her exposition as well. She didn't rush it and allowed her reader to learn about Bella and her history as the story unfolded.
Bella was a good protagonist because she is a sort of everygirl. She saw herself in the same way that I think most teenage girls see themselves--as inconsequential and common. Meyer indulges in the Cinderella fantasy and makes common, awkward Bella become, almost excessively, the center of male attention. She's horribly accident-prone, which allowed for Meyer to create plenty of damsel-in-distress moments. Fortunately, she's also independent, intelligent, observant, and heroic in a way that I think most readers could imaging themselves being heroic. So ultimately, she's an empowering character.
I have to say that I'm a huge sucker for the mysterious, seemingly all-powerful male characters--Edmond Dantes, Aragorn, Mr. Rochester, Mr. Darcy, Sydney Carton who is extremely powerful in spite of his very obvious weakness, Sherlock Holmes--so I was right there with Bella, hopelessly entranced by Edward. This carried me through the majority of the book, which leads me to believe that, yes, indeed, it is geared toward girls. Because of this, there were quite a few scenes that I found to be even a bit gratuitous, pandering to the (mostly teenage girl?) audience who wanted to see romance and kissing and "omg he touched me!" moments.
Apparently Twilight is the first book of a series or trilogy. I will definitely be reading the rest, though I have to be careful when I start them, since they seems to take over my life. Honestly, Twilight just came at a good time for me. I needed a book that I could guiltlessly read without a pen in my hand and that would remind me of the power of good storytelling to take me into someone else's world, make me cry, and--I'll admit it--make me sigh.
(less)
So I let it sit in my classroom for a month.
Yesterday, she left me a note about reading it. Feeling guilty, I stuffed it into my bag at the end of the day. I had been wanting a fun read anyway. Might as well try this. Even though the plot--girl falls in love with a vampire--didn't interest me much.
I started reading Stephenie Meyer's fi...more About a month ago, a student let me borrow a book. Well, she actually didn't let me borrow the book. She pretty much thrust it upon me and insisted that I read it.
So I let it sit in my classroom for a month.
Yesterday, she left me a note about reading it. Feeling guilty, I stuffed it into my bag at the end of the day. I had been wanting a fun read anyway. Might as well try this. Even though the plot--girl falls in love with a vampire--didn't interest me much.
I started reading Stephenie Meyer's five-hundred page teen-read, Twilight, at about eleven last night. I stayed up ridiculously late reading and my first thoughts this morning were of continuing where I left off. Which leaves me here, in the middle of my Saturday, without any papers graded and with a rather ignored husband, finished with the book and still so interested in it that I have insisted on writing the review now.
The book captured my interest as early as the preface. Though most readers go into the story with much more knowledge than the protagonist, Bella, has (we know that the strange, fantastically attractive boy at school, Edward, is a vampire), Meyers does an excellent job of creating mystery at the onset of the novel. She makes the reader feel overwhelmed with questions so he/she stays around long enough to be enchanted by Meyer's control over language and endearing characters. I admired her exposition as well. She didn't rush it and allowed her reader to learn about Bella and her history as the story unfolded.
Bella was a good protagonist because she is a sort of everygirl. She saw herself in the same way that I think most teenage girls see themselves--as inconsequential and common. Meyer indulges in the Cinderella fantasy and makes common, awkward Bella become, almost excessively, the center of male attention. She's horribly accident-prone, which allowed for Meyer to create plenty of damsel-in-distress moments. Fortunately, she's also independent, intelligent, observant, and heroic in a way that I think most readers could imaging themselves being heroic. So ultimately, she's an empowering character.
I have to say that I'm a huge sucker for the mysterious, seemingly all-powerful male characters--Edmond Dantes, Aragorn, Mr. Rochester, Mr. Darcy, Sydney Carton who is extremely powerful in spite of his very obvious weakness, Sherlock Holmes--so I was right there with Bella, hopelessly entranced by Edward. This carried me through the majority of the book, which leads me to believe that, yes, indeed, it is geared toward girls. Because of this, there were quite a few scenes that I found to be even a bit gratuitous, pandering to the (mostly teenage girl?) audience who wanted to see romance and kissing and "omg he touched me!" moments.
Apparently Twilight is the first book of a series or trilogy. I will definitely be reading the rest, though I have to be careful when I start them, since they seems to take over my life. Honestly, Twilight just came at a good time for me. I needed a book that I could guiltlessly read without a pen in my hand and that would remind me of the power of good storytelling to take me into someone else's world, make me cry, and--I'll admit it--make me sigh.
(less)
211 likes · like · see review
Lauren
Mackenzie wrote: "I love your review! I loved the book as well. I like how Edward is such a mysterious character. I relate to Bella because she is a v...more
Mackenzie wrote: "I love your review! I loved the book as well. I like how Edward is such a mysterious character. I relate to Bella because she is a very shy person. My favorite part about the book is the mysterious..."
How is Edward or the "romance" between him and Bella at all mysterious? It all seemed rather trite when I read it.(less)
Jan 23, 2012 12:47am
How is Edward or the "romance" between him and Bella at all mysterious? It all seemed rather trite when I read it.(less)
Jan 23, 2012 12:47am
Chloe'
I loved you're review . Many people don't ind Twilight very good but I do and I love that someone else feels the same .
Dec 11, 2012 12:49pm
Dec 11, 2012 12:49pm
Feb 04, 2013
Haleema
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Oh, just idiots, dimwits, dolts, ogres, trolls, imbeciles, losers, morons, etc...
Shelves:
characters-are-half-troll,
oh-not-again,
thats-not-writing,
cheese-pizza,
snape-disapproves,
books-morphed-into-movies,
need-my-nutella,
bull-shawarma,
its-so-stupid-it-hurts,
imagery-gone-bad,
stephen-king-was-right,
thesaurus-is-its-bff,
brain-cells-went-bye-bye,
what-a-joke,
author-y-u-no-destroyed,
my-vomit-is-nicer,
must-meet-author,
just-begging-for-snark,
what-the-falafel,
i-knew-it,
half-wit-heroine,
book-coma,
hating-with-all-my-hate,
insta-love
Beware of spoilers!
This review is more like a review of all the books.
You know, this is one book that I was aching to write a review on. I don't know now. You know those books that are just so horrible that you want to go on and on about how horrible they were, but you don't want to waste your precious time doing it? I'm in that situation. To review, or not to review? *tick tock tick tock*
Oh, damn it. Fine! Well, it has been quite a long time since I read this book, but the dreadful memory of...more Beware of spoilers!
This review is more like a review of all the books.
You know, this is one book that I was aching to write a review on. I don't know now. You know those books that are just so horrible that you want to go on and on about how horrible they were, but you don't want to waste your precious time doing it? I'm in that situation. To review, or not to review? *tick tock tick tock*
Oh, damn it. Fine! Well, it has been quite a long time since I read this book, but the dreadful memory of it plagues my mind.
The writing is utterly atrocious. The first few sentences of this book are about the weather and Bella's favorite shirt. "It was 85 degrees (I think), and I was wearing my favorite shirt, with lace and all that crap." Okay, she doesn't say the last four words in that quote, but it suits her, right? Oh, and it gets worse. "Edward's voice was velvety." How can a voice be velvety? I thought velvet was a type of cloth? It could be as soft as velvet. Not velvety itself. Perhaps I'm wrong. I just want to believe I'm right, okay? Then she'd talk about how utterly fruity Edward's chest smelled.

Fruity...? What, does he rub his body with kiwis, grapes, oranges, and bananas every morning?
Sometimes there were pages of just description! Too much description kills your writing. Meyer doesn't seem to grasp that at all.
And the adjectives! Meyer just needs an adjective for every single noun she has in her book.
"Now, more than ever, I yearned for his carefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warm hand around my cold fingers."

Meyer also believes that using long, seemingly complicated words in her sentences makes her writing more "sophisticated." She doesn't even use them in the right context! The more a writer tends to use long, unnecessary words, the more of a truly bad writer I think they are. Their writing seems forced.
Twilight does not have characters. It has robots. Bella is an emotionless twit. Edward can't read her thoughts because she DOESN'T HAVE ANY. Simple. All she does is whine, whine, and whine! She whines about the weather, friends, her father, Jacob, etc. Is there anything that pleases her? Besides the fruity smell of Edward's chest, what pleases her? She is almost depressed throughout the book. If Edward isn't in her life, then it's hell. Pure hell. She can't function properly. She has nightmares. Bella is the type of character that would just sit there in the middle of a bloody hurricane and wait for Edward to come rescue her instead of getting off her butt and saving herself. If he's not in her life, then screw everything. Plus, she's very pessimistic. Everything displeases her.
"Oh, rain. There goes my good day."
"I hate anything that's wet."
So I suppose you don't like slurpies? Or showers, Bella? That explains why your hair smells like strawberries. Instead of eating them like a normal human being, you rub them all over your hair.
Edward is a disgusting, abusive, creepy little moron. I loath him. What kind of vampire sparkles and is on a bunny diet? That's not a vampire! He's an abomination! How dare Meyer makes one of my favorite fictional, monsters sparkle! Oh, geez. I can't.

Voldemort: But quite a nice observation there, Severus. A trillion points for Slytherin!
He also watches Bella sleep at night, claiming it is fascinating. Yes, to Edward, watching a girl sleep at night is the most interesting thing he's ever done in his life of, what, 100 and something years. He could be doing so many things with his long vampire life. Traveling, making friends. Instead he watches girls sleep. Of course Bella doesn't mind that.

Edward controls and abuses Bella. Just read the damn book if you need examples. He is older than her dead grandfather. He doesn't have any friends. He's straight up from Planet Loser. What do they see in each other? Even Robert thinks he's weak, damn it! Just read this!
Well, this is regarding Breaking Dawn. Whatever. I don't care! I just needed this to prove that even the guy who plays Edward hates him.
“My wife is dying, I have completely f-cked up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me.' And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit. That really wouldn’t happen. I should have thrown the vomit at him.”


Bamn! I win. I actually like Robert Pattinson. I think he's very genuine and funny. He was actually glad Twilight was over. I have respect for him. But the character he plays? Oh, Lordy. I hope Robert moves on to play awesome characters.
Oh, and Jacob... I don't know how to phrase this. He's a disgrace to every single fictional creature out there. Edward is as well. Worry not! However, Jacob is just something else. He's like the guy version of Bella. He's just as pessimistic as her and just as idiotic. He falls in love with Bella at first. Obsesses over her. Then as he finds out she will NEVER choose him, he falls for her monster of a daughter! Is this real? Of course it's not but is it?! I'm shocked. And he's not a werewolf if he's bloody shirtless all the time. Remus Lupin is a classy werewolf!
The plot wasn't really a plot. What the heck was the whole point!? From my understanding, the whole plot was: Bella and Edward meet. Some dude wants Bella because her blood smells like strawberries. Edward kills him. The evil dude's girlfriend wants revenge. Edward kills her too. And somewhere in between this group called the "Volturi" wants to kill Edward because of God-knows-what. Oh, and all the antagonists die in the end. Happily ever after. Yay! FAIL! Utter fail. It's a truly cliche ending.
"And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

What is a the message? I think there is more than one message. 100-and-whatever-year-old "vampires" that go to high school and fall in love with seventeen-year-old girls are in. Vampires get all glittery in the sunlight. Try to kill yourself so you can hear your boyfriend's voice in your head. Go for the young daughter if the mother isn't willing to love you.
I could go on and on, but I want to go eat. Chocolate. Tons of it.
Anyway, the only reason I would use this book is for me to lose weight. I would exercise my arms with it. It's awfully heavy. So that's one benefit. I'm actually GLAD I read this book. I wouldn't know what horrible writing was if I didn't read this book. I could avoid everything that happened in this book. I can learn from Meyer's mistakes. See?
Have a good day, Lovers of Literature. (less)
This review is more like a review of all the books.
You know, this is one book that I was aching to write a review on. I don't know now. You know those books that are just so horrible that you want to go on and on about how horrible they were, but you don't want to waste your precious time doing it? I'm in that situation. To review, or not to review? *tick tock tick tock*
Oh, damn it. Fine! Well, it has been quite a long time since I read this book, but the dreadful memory of...more Beware of spoilers!
This review is more like a review of all the books.
You know, this is one book that I was aching to write a review on. I don't know now. You know those books that are just so horrible that you want to go on and on about how horrible they were, but you don't want to waste your precious time doing it? I'm in that situation. To review, or not to review? *tick tock tick tock*
Oh, damn it. Fine! Well, it has been quite a long time since I read this book, but the dreadful memory of it plagues my mind.
The writing is utterly atrocious. The first few sentences of this book are about the weather and Bella's favorite shirt. "It was 85 degrees (I think), and I was wearing my favorite shirt, with lace and all that crap." Okay, she doesn't say the last four words in that quote, but it suits her, right? Oh, and it gets worse. "Edward's voice was velvety." How can a voice be velvety? I thought velvet was a type of cloth? It could be as soft as velvet. Not velvety itself. Perhaps I'm wrong. I just want to believe I'm right, okay? Then she'd talk about how utterly fruity Edward's chest smelled.

Fruity...? What, does he rub his body with kiwis, grapes, oranges, and bananas every morning?
Sometimes there were pages of just description! Too much description kills your writing. Meyer doesn't seem to grasp that at all.
And the adjectives! Meyer just needs an adjective for every single noun she has in her book.
"Now, more than ever, I yearned for his carefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warm hand around my cold fingers."

Meyer also believes that using long, seemingly complicated words in her sentences makes her writing more "sophisticated." She doesn't even use them in the right context! The more a writer tends to use long, unnecessary words, the more of a truly bad writer I think they are. Their writing seems forced.
Twilight does not have characters. It has robots. Bella is an emotionless twit. Edward can't read her thoughts because she DOESN'T HAVE ANY. Simple. All she does is whine, whine, and whine! She whines about the weather, friends, her father, Jacob, etc. Is there anything that pleases her? Besides the fruity smell of Edward's chest, what pleases her? She is almost depressed throughout the book. If Edward isn't in her life, then it's hell. Pure hell. She can't function properly. She has nightmares. Bella is the type of character that would just sit there in the middle of a bloody hurricane and wait for Edward to come rescue her instead of getting off her butt and saving herself. If he's not in her life, then screw everything. Plus, she's very pessimistic. Everything displeases her.
"Oh, rain. There goes my good day."
"I hate anything that's wet."
So I suppose you don't like slurpies? Or showers, Bella? That explains why your hair smells like strawberries. Instead of eating them like a normal human being, you rub them all over your hair.
Edward is a disgusting, abusive, creepy little moron. I loath him. What kind of vampire sparkles and is on a bunny diet? That's not a vampire! He's an abomination! How dare Meyer makes one of my favorite fictional, monsters sparkle! Oh, geez. I can't.

Voldemort: But quite a nice observation there, Severus. A trillion points for Slytherin!
He also watches Bella sleep at night, claiming it is fascinating. Yes, to Edward, watching a girl sleep at night is the most interesting thing he's ever done in his life of, what, 100 and something years. He could be doing so many things with his long vampire life. Traveling, making friends. Instead he watches girls sleep. Of course Bella doesn't mind that.

Edward controls and abuses Bella. Just read the damn book if you need examples. He is older than her dead grandfather. He doesn't have any friends. He's straight up from Planet Loser. What do they see in each other? Even Robert thinks he's weak, damn it! Just read this!
Well, this is regarding Breaking Dawn. Whatever. I don't care! I just needed this to prove that even the guy who plays Edward hates him.
“My wife is dying, I have completely f-cked up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me.' And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit. That really wouldn’t happen. I should have thrown the vomit at him.”


Bamn! I win. I actually like Robert Pattinson. I think he's very genuine and funny. He was actually glad Twilight was over. I have respect for him. But the character he plays? Oh, Lordy. I hope Robert moves on to play awesome characters.
Oh, and Jacob... I don't know how to phrase this. He's a disgrace to every single fictional creature out there. Edward is as well. Worry not! However, Jacob is just something else. He's like the guy version of Bella. He's just as pessimistic as her and just as idiotic. He falls in love with Bella at first. Obsesses over her. Then as he finds out she will NEVER choose him, he falls for her monster of a daughter! Is this real? Of course it's not but is it?! I'm shocked. And he's not a werewolf if he's bloody shirtless all the time. Remus Lupin is a classy werewolf!
The plot wasn't really a plot. What the heck was the whole point!? From my understanding, the whole plot was: Bella and Edward meet. Some dude wants Bella because her blood smells like strawberries. Edward kills him. The evil dude's girlfriend wants revenge. Edward kills her too. And somewhere in between this group called the "Volturi" wants to kill Edward because of God-knows-what. Oh, and all the antagonists die in the end. Happily ever after. Yay! FAIL! Utter fail. It's a truly cliche ending.
"And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

What is a the message? I think there is more than one message. 100-and-whatever-year-old "vampires" that go to high school and fall in love with seventeen-year-old girls are in. Vampires get all glittery in the sunlight. Try to kill yourself so you can hear your boyfriend's voice in your head. Go for the young daughter if the mother isn't willing to love you.
I could go on and on, but I want to go eat. Chocolate. Tons of it.
Anyway, the only reason I would use this book is for me to lose weight. I would exercise my arms with it. It's awfully heavy. So that's one benefit. I'm actually GLAD I read this book. I wouldn't know what horrible writing was if I didn't read this book. I could avoid everything that happened in this book. I can learn from Meyer's mistakes. See?
Have a good day, Lovers of Literature. (less)
Sep 16, 2010
Denys L.H.
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
fluffy-loving idiots
Recommended to Denys L.H. by:
an idiot
When you're looking for a novel that has no plot, no common sense, jibber-jabber about pointless love, how hot someone is, and the climax thrown together three-thirds of the book, Twilight takes the cake! I don't even know what made me "unconditionally and irrevocably in love" with it in the first place! But then again, I was a hopeless romantic trying to find love, and I thought Twilight would cheer me up for my lovesick... ness...
Unfortunately, I was WRONG. When I first read the book, I was ad...more When you're looking for a novel that has no plot, no common sense, jibber-jabber about pointless love, how hot someone is, and the climax thrown together three-thirds of the book, Twilight takes the cake! I don't even know what made me "unconditionally and irrevocably in love" with it in the first place! But then again, I was a hopeless romantic trying to find love, and I thought Twilight would cheer me up for my lovesick... ness...
Unfortunately, I was WRONG. When I first read the book, I was addicted to it. I finished reading it for one day because it was "so good." Time passed by, and I was hoping that my tasteless friend would give me the second volume of the series because I wanted more... MORE I TELL YA!
As the time passed by, I realized the book was just stupid-fluff and very sexually frustrating.
First off, we meet with the main character, the female "heroine," Isabella Marie Swan. Or Bella for short. I realized now, she's nothing more than a Mary Sue. Her name is even like one as well! Bella is Italian for beautiful. Throw it with Swan. Beautiful Swan. What's even worse is that EVERY guy falls in love with her when she moves in with her lazy ass daddy who needs Bella to cook and clean for him. Typical anti-feminist, no? Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author, and her story when moving into a new place (see twilight FAQ's in her website). Oh yeah, and she gets the guy to top it all off. Typical Mary Sue.
Edward Cullen... is just too HAWT for this world! He's perfect, he's got perfect hair, perfect body, perfect face... hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he even has a perfect penis! D; Anyways, as the typical teenage fangirl I am, I fell in love with him too... I still am... but not as much. What made me head-over-heels for this guy is that he's charming and witty... but being about 100 years old is such a turn off. Not to mention, stalking Bella almost every night... and she doesn't care when she finds this out! That's just a weird/sick/creepy relationship.
What I don't get is the reason for those two loving each other. Stephanie Meyer makes it destined for them to be together... but exaclty what is the reason again...? Oh yeah! Cause Bella has sweet-smelling blood and Edward's HAWT. Duh. That's why they were made for each other! Except for the whole "no sex" thing... well from what I heard, they're gonna do it later on in some other volume of Twilight. It'll be just like another erotic Anita Blake failure.
Who I really hated second to Bella was Jacob Black. He was too annoying and pestered too much. Maybe he'll get better later on... I heard he and Bella hooked up. I had a feeling Bella was gonna do that anyways.
The almost 500 pages Bella narrates about in Twilight is how HAWT Edward is. She's obsessing way too much and then she declares that she would even risk her life to be with him! Dude, you knew him for like, a week. Now you decide to be emo for him? Two words: Get. Help.
All of a sudden, a group of villianous vampires come out of nowhere and terrorize the Cullens and Bella. The whole five chapters of that was a big blur. Was it even five chapters? I don't know anymore! x.x
Do not read this!!!! This is a warning to all bookworms out there! Don't say I never told you so!!!!(less)
Unfortunately, I was WRONG. When I first read the book, I was ad...more When you're looking for a novel that has no plot, no common sense, jibber-jabber about pointless love, how hot someone is, and the climax thrown together three-thirds of the book, Twilight takes the cake! I don't even know what made me "unconditionally and irrevocably in love" with it in the first place! But then again, I was a hopeless romantic trying to find love, and I thought Twilight would cheer me up for my lovesick... ness...
Unfortunately, I was WRONG. When I first read the book, I was addicted to it. I finished reading it for one day because it was "so good." Time passed by, and I was hoping that my tasteless friend would give me the second volume of the series because I wanted more... MORE I TELL YA!
As the time passed by, I realized the book was just stupid-fluff and very sexually frustrating.
First off, we meet with the main character, the female "heroine," Isabella Marie Swan. Or Bella for short. I realized now, she's nothing more than a Mary Sue. Her name is even like one as well! Bella is Italian for beautiful. Throw it with Swan. Beautiful Swan. What's even worse is that EVERY guy falls in love with her when she moves in with her lazy ass daddy who needs Bella to cook and clean for him. Typical anti-feminist, no? Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author, and her story when moving into a new place (see twilight FAQ's in her website). Oh yeah, and she gets the guy to top it all off. Typical Mary Sue.
Edward Cullen... is just too HAWT for this world! He's perfect, he's got perfect hair, perfect body, perfect face... hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he even has a perfect penis! D; Anyways, as the typical teenage fangirl I am, I fell in love with him too... I still am... but not as much. What made me head-over-heels for this guy is that he's charming and witty... but being about 100 years old is such a turn off. Not to mention, stalking Bella almost every night... and she doesn't care when she finds this out! That's just a weird/sick/creepy relationship.
What I don't get is the reason for those two loving each other. Stephanie Meyer makes it destined for them to be together... but exaclty what is the reason again...? Oh yeah! Cause Bella has sweet-smelling blood and Edward's HAWT. Duh. That's why they were made for each other! Except for the whole "no sex" thing... well from what I heard, they're gonna do it later on in some other volume of Twilight. It'll be just like another erotic Anita Blake failure.
Who I really hated second to Bella was Jacob Black. He was too annoying and pestered too much. Maybe he'll get better later on... I heard he and Bella hooked up. I had a feeling Bella was gonna do that anyways.
The almost 500 pages Bella narrates about in Twilight is how HAWT Edward is. She's obsessing way too much and then she declares that she would even risk her life to be with him! Dude, you knew him for like, a week. Now you decide to be emo for him? Two words: Get. Help.
All of a sudden, a group of villianous vampires come out of nowhere and terrorize the Cullens and Bella. The whole five chapters of that was a big blur. Was it even five chapters? I don't know anymore! x.x
Do not read this!!!! This is a warning to all bookworms out there! Don't say I never told you so!!!!(less)
103 likes · like · see review
Kelly
Denys-
First off, your name is brilliant to start with. I love it when names are not spelled "correctly." Whatever the hell correctly in naming means a...more Denys-
First off, your name is brilliant to start with. I love it when names are not spelled "correctly." Whatever the hell correctly in naming means anyways.
Second, loved LOVED your review. It was straight to the point, and imagine this, NO fluff about it! Mwaha!(less)
Aug 15, 2010 02:42pm
First off, your name is brilliant to start with. I love it when names are not spelled "correctly." Whatever the hell correctly in naming means a...more Denys-
First off, your name is brilliant to start with. I love it when names are not spelled "correctly." Whatever the hell correctly in naming means anyways.
Second, loved LOVED your review. It was straight to the point, and imagine this, NO fluff about it! Mwaha!(less)
Aug 15, 2010 02:42pm
Jan 15, 2008
Matt
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
people who love thomas kincaide and celine dion
there are so many problems with this book that i can't even begin to address them all. but i will say this, 'twilight' is probably one of the worst, if not THE worst, books i've ever read. the writing is amateurish at best [cliches, stereotypes, purple prose--how anyone can applaud meyer's prose is puzzling]; the editing--or lack thereof--is appalling [this is a 200 page novel, no more and probably less]; the grammar and syntax are unforgivably bad; the plot is onion-skin thin; and the character...more
there are so many problems with this book that i can't even begin to address them all. but i will say this, 'twilight' is probably one of the worst, if not THE worst, books i've ever read. the writing is amateurish at best [cliches, stereotypes, purple prose--how anyone can applaud meyer's prose is puzzling]; the editing--or lack thereof--is appalling [this is a 200 page novel, no more and probably less]; the grammar and syntax are unforgivably bad; the plot is onion-skin thin; and the characters are uniformly dull and uninspiring.
it's hard to imagine how so many people got suckered into this book. the novel's protagonist, bella swan [really? i mean, really?], is a complete idiot. she has no dreams, no motivations, no ambitions, no hopes, no goals, and not a single original thought of her own. she spends 500 pages spewing endless platitudes and commenting on edwards 'perfect face,' 'amber eyes,' and 'perfectly-muscled chest' ad nauseum [those references number in the HUNDREDS, literally]. she constantly wonders why edward, a 100-year old domineering vampire, wants her. apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize how 'beautiful' she is. too bad, so sad. honestly, this is the kind of novel you'd expect see selling for $1.99 at the supermarket checkout, not winning all sorts of awards. at one point i was half-expecting to close the book and find fabio on the cover. and a glittery vampire? gimme a break.
frankly, i'm mystified at its popularity. if nothing else, i guess it goes to show what clever marketing and stories of wish-fulfillment and so-called 'forbidden love' can do to some women. it's made meyer a multi-millionaire, i'm sure, and turned her publisher into a cash cow. i don't begrudge anyone his or her success, but when it comes via a turd like 'twilight,' it's well, more than a tad saddening.
'twlight' apologists will say that 'at least young women are reading!'i guess you could make that argument, but with that kind of logic you might as well congratulate an anorexic for eating a marshmallow.(less)
it's hard to imagine how so many people got suckered into this book. the novel's protagonist, bella swan [really? i mean, really?], is a complete idiot. she has no dreams, no motivations, no ambitions, no hopes, no goals, and not a single original thought of her own. she spends 500 pages spewing endless platitudes and commenting on edwards 'perfect face,' 'amber eyes,' and 'perfectly-muscled chest' ad nauseum [those references number in the HUNDREDS, literally]. she constantly wonders why edward, a 100-year old domineering vampire, wants her. apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize how 'beautiful' she is. too bad, so sad. honestly, this is the kind of novel you'd expect see selling for $1.99 at the supermarket checkout, not winning all sorts of awards. at one point i was half-expecting to close the book and find fabio on the cover. and a glittery vampire? gimme a break.
frankly, i'm mystified at its popularity. if nothing else, i guess it goes to show what clever marketing and stories of wish-fulfillment and so-called 'forbidden love' can do to some women. it's made meyer a multi-millionaire, i'm sure, and turned her publisher into a cash cow. i don't begrudge anyone his or her success, but when it comes via a turd like 'twilight,' it's well, more than a tad saddening.
'twlight' apologists will say that 'at least young women are reading!'i guess you could make that argument, but with that kind of logic you might as well congratulate an anorexic for eating a marshmallow.(less)
217 likes · like · see review
Giulia Naccarato
I knew I was not the only one who thought this book was ugh.. I could not even finish it.
Mar 26, 2013 10:34am
Mar 26, 2013 10:34am
Margarethicks
I honestly completely agree. Bella doesn't have anything going for her in her life maybe that's why she's do dependent on Edward. It's a weird love st...more
I honestly completely agree. Bella doesn't have anything going for her in her life maybe that's why she's do dependent on Edward. It's a weird love story and she falls in love with something that isn't human. I agree with you that this is a terrible book.(less)
May 21, 2013 06:20am
May 21, 2013 06:20am
Since, according to the news, the sun is about to set on the Twilight movie franchise (because this stuff is apparently news-worthy), I will take this opportunity to share my favorite Twilight-bashing resources with you, my friends.
*
But wait, you say! Shouldn't I take some time to actually *review* this book?
*
But wait, you say! Shouldn't I take some time to actually *review* this book?
Anyway, how about the story of my relationship with Twilight, this Twinkie¹ of literature?
Enter Cleolinda Jones , whose incredulous snark of Twilight recaps made me the happiest person on this planet for a while:
Meanwhile, there was Dana who was appalled by the lack of respect for basic grammar (not to mention decent storytelling) that Twilight books showed. And therefore she created... wait for it... wait for it...

--------------------
While Dana was hard at work correcting the grammar and awful writing of Twilight, the guys over at Rifftrax.com (formerly of MST-3000 fame) were busy creating the parody mp3 tracks, that when played over the Twilight movies finally achieve the goal of turning those into hilarious, although not always PG-13, films.
It was only a matter of time until Mark Oshiro of 'Mark Reads...' fame decided to put himself through hours of horrified suffering, documented over here, at Mark Reads Twilight.
-----------------
On the other side of the Interwebs, Dan Bergstein of SparkLife decided that his time would be best spent 'Blogging Twilight'. I will not give much away by stating Dan's version of Bella's daughter's name (which can kick the original name's behind while hopping on the left foot with both hands tied behind its back): OPTIMUS BEYONCE! (Take that, Renesmee!)
*
The lovely original artwork is included with the recaps, by the way.
--------------
And finally, I have to pay my dues to the lovely and spot-on video parodies by Nathaniel Jones - complete with a breathtakingly funny voiceover narration that EVERYONE (and I mean it!) has to experience at least once in life:
Anyway, dear friends, we have almost survived the years of Twilight epidemic. Now it's just Twilight fanfics left to darken our days. But that, too, shall pass. Right? Right?(less)
*
But wait, you say! Shouldn't I take some time to actually *review* this book?
But dear friends, is there really a need for yet ANOTHER Twilight review? Because if you somehow still have no idea about this book series, I would love to borrow your tinfoil hat. I'm seri...more Since, according to the news, the sun is about to set on the Twilight movie franchise (because this stuff is apparently news-worthy), I will take this opportunity to share my favorite Twilight-bashing resources with you, my friends.
*
But wait, you say! Shouldn't I take some time to actually *review* this book?
But dear friends, is there really a need for yet ANOTHER Twilight review? Because if you somehow still have no idea about this book series, I would love to borrow your tinfoil hat. I'm serious.Besides, nothing in the universe can ever compete with this very thoughtful review by Bird Brian.
Anyway, how about the story of my relationship with Twilight, this Twinkie¹ of literature?
¹ Twinkie, because it's addictive to many and yet lacks any kind of substance/nutritional value besides empty calories. You watch, when the world is destroyed in nuclear explosion, cockroaches and Twinkies will be what's left on this planet.Once upon a time, 5-6 years ago, I was sick with the nastiest flu and therefore was lying in bed browsing the Interwebs in the state of cough-syrup-induced befuzzlement, when somehow, via a combination of inexplicable links I came across the site that popped my Twilight cherry with the best parodies that I have yet come across:
Also, I think I may have borrowed this comparison from the one and only Cleolinda Jones.
Enter Cleolinda Jones , whose incredulous snark of Twilight recaps made me the happiest person on this planet for a while:
Introducing the immortal recaps of Stephenie Meyer's wish-fulfillment creations, featuring 'fursploding', 'sparklepires', and this brilliant wrap-up of the series:Cleolinda did not stop here, however. She did watch all four Twilight movies and - bless her selfless heart - treated us to her trademark Movies in Fifteen Minutes parodies of them, which, dear reader, you can find here:
"And they sexed happily ever after in their magic cottage while their half-vampire toddler slept in the next room, and it was the best series starting with a teenage girl in love with a mysterious boy in her class that ended up with a teenage girl defending her growth-accelerated mutant hybrid baby from an ancient clan of evil vampires with her magical psychic shield that I ever read, THE END."
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes-------------
New Moon in Fifteen Minutes
Eclipse in Fifteen Minutes
And, finally, Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes (Part One)
Meanwhile, there was Dana who was appalled by the lack of respect for basic grammar (not to mention decent storytelling) that Twilight books showed. And therefore she created... wait for it... wait for it...
The best Tumblr ever - Reasoning with VampiresI owe so much of my grammar refreshers to Dana's keen eye and never-ending patience. And, just for a taste of it, I hope I'm allowed to share my all-time favorite from this Tumblr (which I will take down immediately if there is any problem):

--------------------
While Dana was hard at work correcting the grammar and awful writing of Twilight, the guys over at Rifftrax.com (formerly of MST-3000 fame) were busy creating the parody mp3 tracks, that when played over the Twilight movies finally achieve the goal of turning those into hilarious, although not always PG-13, films.
Among other creations of pure comedic genius, they brought us their version of the---------------infamous Edward's lullaby, which you can see here on YouTube, complete with the following immortal lyrics:
"I want to chomp into your throoooooat.
And watch you bleed out on the floooooor.
Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence
as you die.
Tear your heart out of your chest
and crack the bones
and suck the marrow out.
Slice into your brain for sandwiches
and maybe have an omelette made of--"
It was only a matter of time until Mark Oshiro of 'Mark Reads...' fame decided to put himself through hours of horrified suffering, documented over here, at Mark Reads Twilight.
-----------------
On the other side of the Interwebs, Dan Bergstein of SparkLife decided that his time would be best spent 'Blogging Twilight'. I will not give much away by stating Dan's version of Bella's daughter's name (which can kick the original name's behind while hopping on the left foot with both hands tied behind its back): OPTIMUS BEYONCE! (Take that, Renesmee!)
*
The lovely original artwork is included with the recaps, by the way.
--------------
And finally, I have to pay my dues to the lovely and spot-on video parodies by Nathaniel Jones - complete with a breathtakingly funny voiceover narration that EVERYONE (and I mean it!) has to experience at least once in life:
Twilight: The Broodening----------------
Twilight 2: Broodening Harder
Twilight: The Broodening 3 - Electric Broodaloo
Anyway, dear friends, we have almost survived the years of Twilight epidemic. Now it's just Twilight fanfics left to darken our days. But that, too, shall pass. Right? Right?(less)
83 likes · like · see review
Rhea-Amalia
Awesome review! (Although that wasn't really a review...) Anyways, have you seen Edward VS. Buffy on Youtube? It's a hilarious reimagining of Twilight...more
Awesome review! (Although that wasn't really a review...) Anyways, have you seen Edward VS. Buffy on Youtube? It's a hilarious reimagining of Twilight, replacing the vapid Bella with the kick-ass Buffy. And, its 1,000,000x more entertaining than Twilight.(less)
Jun 09, 2013 11:27am
Jun 09, 2013 11:27am
Reviewing Twilight after reading War & Peace is definitely not the best thing.
By the time I’m posting this review most of the people have already read it and those who have not, perhaps never will.
After reading gazillion book-bashing reviews of Twilight there is no part of book left for me to bash upon (I see prospect for my bashing review in Fifty Shades of Grey)and perhaps nothing to add what all the reviewers have already said.
I’m writing this because it’s been sometime that I’ve written...more Reviewing Twilight after reading War & Peace is definitely not the best thing.
By the time I’m posting this review most of the people have already read it and those who have not, perhaps never will.
After reading gazillion book-bashing reviews of Twilight there is no part of book left for me to bash upon (I see prospect for my bashing review in Fifty Shades of Grey)and perhaps nothing to add what all the reviewers have already said.
I’m writing this because it’s been sometime that I’ve written a review and I have nothing else to write about. So, where to begin...
First of all, two things
Twilight isn’t bad! *Please, don’t unfriend me*
And Twilight isn’t good either! *Now, we’re even. Eh?*
For first point:
Well, Twilight turned out not to be that bad as I was expecting it. After I didn’t enjoyed The Hunger Games, one thing that I learned is to keep my expectations really low to enjoy YA-novels. This wasn’t a hard job after reading umpteen 1-star reviews.
Also one of the main reasons behind reading it was, I wanted to see how bad, really how bad a book can get.
So I had my expectations really low, I was thinking it would be book to which giving even 1-star would be like inflating its rating. But once I started reading (keep in mind that I’ve not watched any movie in the series, just few random scenes), I was caught not-so-ready for the good parts of the novel that made me to give it 2-star rating.
To start with I liked the characterisation of the main characters Bella and Edward, they certainly felt like real human, which is in my view very unusual for a YA-novel. Many people just hate this novel because they think Bella is a loser, well, she certainly can’t be source of any inspiration but it is not necessary that for a novel to be good that its protagonist should be kick-ass or bad-ass or something in the line of ass.
Then Stephenie Meyer very cleverly chooses Forks as the setting of the novel, which assists the further things that she comes up in the novel.
Then she shows her creativity by giving new aspects to age-old existing norms of vampire by telling they sparkle in sunlight, though it’s funny but nevertheless it’s creativity.
And yes, the writing, I have heard a lot about Stephenie Meyer’s bad writing but for me it was kind of okay. Initially it was interesting too but then...
But then Shit happened...
Everything was fucked up, Bella was fucked up, Edward was fucked up, Stephenie Meyer’s writing was fucked up and the whole story was fucked up.
All so good Bella started stumbling, would just fall down every now and then.
I think Stephenie Meyer would have read somewhere that every human has some shortcoming and fault in their human aspect, so she came up with this shit, BELLA STUMBLES! For no reason she would just trip over nothing. What image should I have of Bella in my mind, in movie Bella looks like this:

Beauty, isn't she!
But after all those stumbling and falling down in every nook and corner of Forks, I think of her as something like this:

Okay okay okay! I know that was way over the top but definitely something like this:

See, she even seems to be telling “I was supposed to play Bella until that bitch came and took both movie and Robert Pattison.”
No wonder characterisation is great, but not good since she takes 300 pages for this small task. In 90% of the book she talks about nothing but Bella and Edward. Bella talks about every body part visible of Edward: his topaz eyes, his nose, his hair, his teeth, his chest, his breath. She just knows that he is like some greek God and nothing beyond that, and so loves him. OMFG! This is what many people call the best love story ever.
And Edward, umm....
He is the most beautiful, a vampire, he sparkles, he is 108 year old so definitely a paedophile and yes a stalker. Stalking may look all cute and loving in an immature story but in reality it is really not cool, who goes sneaking into his girlfriend’s room to watch her sleeping. That’s friggin’ weird and creepy.
Oh! And he chuckles too, like Bella who keeps falling for no reason this Edward the 108 years old, keeps chuckling all the time, for no reason. I read a line today that said:
For Edward, I don’t know...
And finally the story, actually Stephenie Meyer must have writing continuously for 300 pages how Bella and Edward love each other and how handsome Edward is, then suddenly she must have realised something is missing in the whole book: Oh yes! The story. So she came up with this GREAT STORY. They play baseball in thunderstorm (really?) and other vampire come to join them after hearing the sound of hitting (really?) and one of them(James) become obsessed with tracking and killing Bella, but in the end James dies. End of the story. Thank you!
Oh fuck it! Who am I kidding! 1-star.
(less)
By the time I’m posting this review most of the people have already read it and those who have not, perhaps never will.
After reading gazillion book-bashing reviews of Twilight there is no part of book left for me to bash upon (I see prospect for my bashing review in Fifty Shades of Grey)and perhaps nothing to add what all the reviewers have already said.
I’m writing this because it’s been sometime that I’ve written...more Reviewing Twilight after reading War & Peace is definitely not the best thing.
By the time I’m posting this review most of the people have already read it and those who have not, perhaps never will.
After reading gazillion book-bashing reviews of Twilight there is no part of book left for me to bash upon (I see prospect for my bashing review in Fifty Shades of Grey)and perhaps nothing to add what all the reviewers have already said.
I’m writing this because it’s been sometime that I’ve written a review and I have nothing else to write about. So, where to begin...
First of all, two things
Twilight isn’t bad! *Please, don’t unfriend me*
And Twilight isn’t good either! *Now, we’re even. Eh?*
For first point:
Well, Twilight turned out not to be that bad as I was expecting it. After I didn’t enjoyed The Hunger Games, one thing that I learned is to keep my expectations really low to enjoy YA-novels. This wasn’t a hard job after reading umpteen 1-star reviews.
Also one of the main reasons behind reading it was, I wanted to see how bad, really how bad a book can get.
So I had my expectations really low, I was thinking it would be book to which giving even 1-star would be like inflating its rating. But once I started reading (keep in mind that I’ve not watched any movie in the series, just few random scenes), I was caught not-so-ready for the good parts of the novel that made me to give it 2-star rating.
To start with I liked the characterisation of the main characters Bella and Edward, they certainly felt like real human, which is in my view very unusual for a YA-novel. Many people just hate this novel because they think Bella is a loser, well, she certainly can’t be source of any inspiration but it is not necessary that for a novel to be good that its protagonist should be kick-ass or bad-ass or something in the line of ass.
Then Stephenie Meyer very cleverly chooses Forks as the setting of the novel, which assists the further things that she comes up in the novel.
Then she shows her creativity by giving new aspects to age-old existing norms of vampire by telling they sparkle in sunlight, though it’s funny but nevertheless it’s creativity.
And yes, the writing, I have heard a lot about Stephenie Meyer’s bad writing but for me it was kind of okay. Initially it was interesting too but then...
But then Shit happened...
Everything was fucked up, Bella was fucked up, Edward was fucked up, Stephenie Meyer’s writing was fucked up and the whole story was fucked up.
All so good Bella started stumbling, would just fall down every now and then.
“Are you referring to the fact that you can’t walk across a flat stable without finding something to trip over!”
“Obviously”
I think Stephenie Meyer would have read somewhere that every human has some shortcoming and fault in their human aspect, so she came up with this shit, BELLA STUMBLES! For no reason she would just trip over nothing. What image should I have of Bella in my mind, in movie Bella looks like this:

Beauty, isn't she!
But after all those stumbling and falling down in every nook and corner of Forks, I think of her as something like this:

Okay okay okay! I know that was way over the top but definitely something like this:

See, she even seems to be telling “I was supposed to play Bella until that bitch came and took both movie and Robert Pattison.”
No wonder characterisation is great, but not good since she takes 300 pages for this small task. In 90% of the book she talks about nothing but Bella and Edward. Bella talks about every body part visible of Edward: his topaz eyes, his nose, his hair, his teeth, his chest, his breath. She just knows that he is like some greek God and nothing beyond that, and so loves him. OMFG! This is what many people call the best love story ever.
And Edward, umm....
He is the most beautiful, a vampire, he sparkles, he is 108 year old so definitely a paedophile and yes a stalker. Stalking may look all cute and loving in an immature story but in reality it is really not cool, who goes sneaking into his girlfriend’s room to watch her sleeping. That’s friggin’ weird and creepy.
Oh! And he chuckles too, like Bella who keeps falling for no reason this Edward the 108 years old, keeps chuckling all the time, for no reason. I read a line today that said:
“Never trust people who smile constantly.They’re either selling something or they are not very bright”
For Edward, I don’t know...
And finally the story, actually Stephenie Meyer must have writing continuously for 300 pages how Bella and Edward love each other and how handsome Edward is, then suddenly she must have realised something is missing in the whole book: Oh yes! The story. So she came up with this GREAT STORY. They play baseball in thunderstorm (really?) and other vampire come to join them after hearing the sound of hitting (really?) and one of them(James) become obsessed with tracking and killing Bella, but in the end James dies. End of the story. Thank you!
Oh fuck it! Who am I kidding! 1-star.
(less)
62 likes · like · see review
Nilesh Kashyap
Thank God! I was really more worried about your DVD player than your friends daughter.
Jun 15, 2012 06:20am
Jun 15, 2012 06:20am
Mark
Nilesh wrote: "Thank God! I was really more worried about your DVD player than your friends daughter."
lol. Rest assured both still appear to be thrivi...more Nilesh wrote: "Thank God! I was really more worried about your DVD player than your friends daughter."
lol. Rest assured both still appear to be thriving(less)
Jun 15, 2012 09:24am
lol. Rest assured both still appear to be thrivi...more Nilesh wrote: "Thank God! I was really more worried about your DVD player than your friends daughter."
lol. Rest assured both still appear to be thriving(less)
Jun 15, 2012 09:24am
Since this book has already been reviewed from hell to high water, I thought that I could treat you all to what this whole book (and small part of New Moon, as well) was in a simple little gif nutshell. Enjoy, all:

And that's pretty much it.

And that's pretty much it.
151 likes · like · see review
Blake Nauman
Clever! This pretty much describes the entire book :) I did enjoy the book, and i thought stephanie did a good job setting up the plot, but it was ver...more
Clever! This pretty much describes the entire book :) I did enjoy the book, and i thought stephanie did a good job setting up the plot, but it was very basic. It took awhile to explain a small story.(less)
Mar 22, 2013 09:39am
Mar 22, 2013 09:39am
Aug 04, 2011
Kira
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Oh, God! No one!
Recommended to Kira by:
A tween
On April 28, 1945, Italian resistance fighters cornered Benito Mussolini and shot both him and his mistress. Then they hoisted his body up on a meat hook and hung him upside down at a petrol station in Milan, just to prove that yes, that bastard is dead, and we capped him. We capped him good and proper.
However, the hype over a fascist dictator who held his own people hostage and fought (in a limp-dicked way) with the Axis Powers died out gradually over the twentieth century. Isn't it amazing how...more On April 28, 1945, Italian resistance fighters cornered Benito Mussolini and shot both him and his mistress. Then they hoisted his body up on a meat hook and hung him upside down at a petrol station in Milan, just to prove that yes, that bastard is dead, and we capped him. We capped him good and proper.
However, the hype over a fascist dictator who held his own people hostage and fought (in a limp-dicked way) with the Axis Powers died out gradually over the twentieth century. Isn't it amazing how Twilight, a book whose whole plot consists of nothing more (no, nothing more) than a boring girl falling in lust with a glitterball, is on the tip of the western world's tongue, plastered all over the front window of Blockbuster and fuelling lunchtime conversations everywhere, while it stands as a given that you can walk into pretty much any high school and ask students who Benito Mussolini is, and the majority will space out and ask you if it's a band?
Take a look back at that first paragraph. Isn't a real-life account of someone as influential as Benito Mussolini infinitely more interesting and important than this godawful waste of precious trees?
I am part of today's youth, and yet I will never truly understand them.
So: Twilight. Yes, I'm finally reviewing it. I resisted for a long time, but I couldn't help myself. I have to do it.
The other day Josh and I were having a conversation about Twilight. Incidentally, Josh was trying to convince me that a boy sneaking into a girl's room to secretly watch her sleep with the bug-eye was cute. Josh is also a person who proclaimed that all Muslims want to destroy the world and that witch-burnings were perfectly okay.
I turned to Taylor and asked her what she thought. She said that she liked Twilight, but she knew it wasn't a masterpiece and that Bella was stupid. She went on to say that she didn't know what I meant when I stated that it is a horrendously anti-feminist book, and after heckling the thing to death with only a warning for talking during class to show for it, I gave up and talked about boyfriends with her instead.
I adore Taylor. She is a wonderful friend to me. This is why I don't chastise her for liking Twishite but worry for her instead.
We all know what the book is about. The book is about a Mary-Sue who latches on to a hot boy because he is hot and thereafter allows her whole world to revolve around him. She has no hobbies, interests, ambitions or future goals. She looks down on girls who appreciate shopping and physical intimacy, as well as women who cannot have children. She worships beauty as if it is sex. She follows Edward around like a lost puppy because he is the only thing she gives a shit about in the world even though they met each other eight seconds ago and have shared a handful of hormonal glances across a biology classroom.

The all-consuming relationship between Bella and Edward is not the kind of relationship anyone should aspire to. Edward is physically forceful toward Bella, and though she spends every waking moment making out with the ground he walks on he still shits on her from a great height.
"Foolish female/human! I is man, I is doing right thing, you must follow!"
The caveman/cavewoman mentality between both parties is absolutely painful. As painful as the throb of purple prose encased between these heinously far-apart covers, and the dreadful fragments and inconsistent style of Meyer's writing.
It's ludicrous, really. This book is not a book. It is a really, really long Facebook status. It's a little gimmick that's gotten out of hand.
Who remembers the absolutely awful "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" fad? That's kind of what Twilight is like. A really fucked-up piece of sexist rubbish that spiraled into a phenomenon when really it belongs in the garbage can where no one will ever look at it ever again, ever.
Maybe that's slightly harsh. Or maybe not? Maybe we shouldn't condone something thatforced chameleon authors to churn out inspired books like Hush, Hush, Fallen, and Halo - books that glorify unhealthy relationships and portray women as weak, helpless, pathetic monkeys. It also pushed authors like Kristen Cashore to try to be different by creating horrible, selfish protagonists that are stereotypical caricatures of feminists and that verge on advocating misandry.
But hey, who cares, right? As long as teens are reading!
No. I'd rather read the back of a cereal box than this book. I'd rather read the ingredients of my shampoo than slog through this again. It would be far less offensive and morally damaging, not to mention infuriating. I believe I aged ten years during my first failed attempt at wading through the Twilight quicksand.
Never mind the fact that the whole idea is stolen from L.J. Smith's dreadful Vampire Diaries series, that everyone crooned was a Twilight rip-off until they looked at the release date and realized it came to fruition in the nineties. Busted, Meyer! Hot damn!
Ms. Meyer's attitude towards her fans is interesting, too. I find it strange that she has so many worshippers, considering that she behaves as though these young impressionable preteens don't deserve her (regardless of the fact that she is catering to them and that they are the reason she has a career in the first place). I am, of course, referring to the whole Midnight Sun incident in which she disappointed legions of reliable and faithful readers by throwing an angsty bitch-fit and proclaiming that she "didn't feel alone with her manuscript any more" and couldn't finish it. How sad it is that no more blood could possibly be squeezed from the Twilight rock!
I could go into characterization, but what would be the point? There is none. Bella is a wish-fulfillment device. Edward is a psychopath who somehow manages to be boring. The Cullens are all dull, preppy, self-righteous cures for insomnia. The villain...what villain?
Oh, yeah. James? Non-event. No point, no motivation. Only there because Meyer got caught up her her plotless fluff and then suddenly thought "Shit! I forgot that something has to happen!" so quickly inserted some watery excuse for a bad guy and a shaky climax that of course ended in more drama between the power couple.
Another issue with the anti-feminism of this book: of course, one of the main and most twisted villains would have to be a sexually-active and liberated woman. Of course, a woman who is free and decides what she wants to do with her life would have to be evil. How dare she not answer to her man and behave like a loyal dog? Fie!
And what a shitty prom they had, eh? Damn! It was the same with Halo. Columns of shimmering moonlight and posh boys in tuxes. At my prom, I wore satin pants and sneakers, and two sassy guys won Best Couple. I am not shitting you. That is an epic prom, people. A prom with Gaga karaoke, Jello balls and genderless washrooms.
Canadians can damn well party. Yuh-huh.
Anyway!
There are so many parodies of this book that I'm amazed anyone takes it seriously. A legit movie, Vampires Suck, outwardly rips the crap out of Twilight, and makes money doing so. If that's not an epic win, I don't know what is. Not to mention Stephen King's little quip about Stephenie's inability to write anything that isn't crap, that made waves among the Twilight fanbase and was rebuffed with thousands of tweeny screams of "YER JEST JELUS!"
We also have the fan rips, like countless demotivational posters, deviantART's constant stream of joke memes and comics, and all sort of hilarious Edward/Jacob slash fanfiction.
(There's also this.)
Note: Before the movies came out, I was a loyal fan of the indie/rock band Muse. They were fun and different. When Twilight hit the big screen, Muse sold themselves out and became a been-there-done-that pseudo-pop band who catered to the masses and left their old fans high and dry. That is the power of corporate America, people.
I could go on to review the rest of the series, but why would I bother? Why would I want to dredge up old memories of pedophilia and blood in a Slurpie cup and constant, insufferable cheese?
Frankly, I would rather stand in an elevator with Mussolini than Meyer. At least we would have something to talk about.
To conclude: This book will go down in history as one of media's great mistakes. Kids of the thirtieth century will look back on us and the hoards of screaming thirteen-year-olds worshipping the 'love' between a creepy old man and his sullen lap-dog and laugh. Hard.
BONUS TIME!
...because Twilight without Bonus Time would be cat shit without a litter box.
(less)
However, the hype over a fascist dictator who held his own people hostage and fought (in a limp-dicked way) with the Axis Powers died out gradually over the twentieth century. Isn't it amazing how...more On April 28, 1945, Italian resistance fighters cornered Benito Mussolini and shot both him and his mistress. Then they hoisted his body up on a meat hook and hung him upside down at a petrol station in Milan, just to prove that yes, that bastard is dead, and we capped him. We capped him good and proper.
However, the hype over a fascist dictator who held his own people hostage and fought (in a limp-dicked way) with the Axis Powers died out gradually over the twentieth century. Isn't it amazing how Twilight, a book whose whole plot consists of nothing more (no, nothing more) than a boring girl falling in lust with a glitterball, is on the tip of the western world's tongue, plastered all over the front window of Blockbuster and fuelling lunchtime conversations everywhere, while it stands as a given that you can walk into pretty much any high school and ask students who Benito Mussolini is, and the majority will space out and ask you if it's a band?
Take a look back at that first paragraph. Isn't a real-life account of someone as influential as Benito Mussolini infinitely more interesting and important than this godawful waste of precious trees?
I am part of today's youth, and yet I will never truly understand them.
So: Twilight. Yes, I'm finally reviewing it. I resisted for a long time, but I couldn't help myself. I have to do it.
The other day Josh and I were having a conversation about Twilight. Incidentally, Josh was trying to convince me that a boy sneaking into a girl's room to secretly watch her sleep with the bug-eye was cute. Josh is also a person who proclaimed that all Muslims want to destroy the world and that witch-burnings were perfectly okay.
I turned to Taylor and asked her what she thought. She said that she liked Twilight, but she knew it wasn't a masterpiece and that Bella was stupid. She went on to say that she didn't know what I meant when I stated that it is a horrendously anti-feminist book, and after heckling the thing to death with only a warning for talking during class to show for it, I gave up and talked about boyfriends with her instead.
I adore Taylor. She is a wonderful friend to me. This is why I don't chastise her for liking Twishite but worry for her instead.
We all know what the book is about. The book is about a Mary-Sue who latches on to a hot boy because he is hot and thereafter allows her whole world to revolve around him. She has no hobbies, interests, ambitions or future goals. She looks down on girls who appreciate shopping and physical intimacy, as well as women who cannot have children. She worships beauty as if it is sex. She follows Edward around like a lost puppy because he is the only thing she gives a shit about in the world even though they met each other eight seconds ago and have shared a handful of hormonal glances across a biology classroom.

The all-consuming relationship between Bella and Edward is not the kind of relationship anyone should aspire to. Edward is physically forceful toward Bella, and though she spends every waking moment making out with the ground he walks on he still shits on her from a great height.
"Foolish female/human! I is man, I is doing right thing, you must follow!"
The caveman/cavewoman mentality between both parties is absolutely painful. As painful as the throb of purple prose encased between these heinously far-apart covers, and the dreadful fragments and inconsistent style of Meyer's writing.
It's ludicrous, really. This book is not a book. It is a really, really long Facebook status. It's a little gimmick that's gotten out of hand.
Who remembers the absolutely awful "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" fad? That's kind of what Twilight is like. A really fucked-up piece of sexist rubbish that spiraled into a phenomenon when really it belongs in the garbage can where no one will ever look at it ever again, ever.
Maybe that's slightly harsh. Or maybe not? Maybe we shouldn't condone something that
But hey, who cares, right? As long as teens are reading!
No. I'd rather read the back of a cereal box than this book. I'd rather read the ingredients of my shampoo than slog through this again. It would be far less offensive and morally damaging, not to mention infuriating. I believe I aged ten years during my first failed attempt at wading through the Twilight quicksand.
Never mind the fact that the whole idea is stolen from L.J. Smith's dreadful Vampire Diaries series, that everyone crooned was a Twilight rip-off until they looked at the release date and realized it came to fruition in the nineties. Busted, Meyer! Hot damn!
Ms. Meyer's attitude towards her fans is interesting, too. I find it strange that she has so many worshippers, considering that she behaves as though these young impressionable preteens don't deserve her (regardless of the fact that she is catering to them and that they are the reason she has a career in the first place). I am, of course, referring to the whole Midnight Sun incident in which she disappointed legions of reliable and faithful readers by throwing an angsty bitch-fit and proclaiming that she "didn't feel alone with her manuscript any more" and couldn't finish it. How sad it is that no more blood could possibly be squeezed from the Twilight rock!
I could go into characterization, but what would be the point? There is none. Bella is a wish-fulfillment device. Edward is a psychopath who somehow manages to be boring. The Cullens are all dull, preppy, self-righteous cures for insomnia. The villain...what villain?
Oh, yeah. James? Non-event. No point, no motivation. Only there because Meyer got caught up her her plotless fluff and then suddenly thought "Shit! I forgot that something has to happen!" so quickly inserted some watery excuse for a bad guy and a shaky climax that of course ended in more drama between the power couple.
Another issue with the anti-feminism of this book: of course, one of the main and most twisted villains would have to be a sexually-active and liberated woman. Of course, a woman who is free and decides what she wants to do with her life would have to be evil. How dare she not answer to her man and behave like a loyal dog? Fie!
And what a shitty prom they had, eh? Damn! It was the same with Halo. Columns of shimmering moonlight and posh boys in tuxes. At my prom, I wore satin pants and sneakers, and two sassy guys won Best Couple. I am not shitting you. That is an epic prom, people. A prom with Gaga karaoke, Jello balls and genderless washrooms.
Canadians can damn well party. Yuh-huh.
Anyway!
There are so many parodies of this book that I'm amazed anyone takes it seriously. A legit movie, Vampires Suck, outwardly rips the crap out of Twilight, and makes money doing so. If that's not an epic win, I don't know what is. Not to mention Stephen King's little quip about Stephenie's inability to write anything that isn't crap, that made waves among the Twilight fanbase and was rebuffed with thousands of tweeny screams of "YER JEST JELUS!"
We also have the fan rips, like countless demotivational posters, deviantART's constant stream of joke memes and comics, and all sort of hilarious Edward/Jacob slash fanfiction.
(There's also this.)
Note: Before the movies came out, I was a loyal fan of the indie/rock band Muse. They were fun and different. When Twilight hit the big screen, Muse sold themselves out and became a been-there-done-that pseudo-pop band who catered to the masses and left their old fans high and dry. That is the power of corporate America, people.
I could go on to review the rest of the series, but why would I bother? Why would I want to dredge up old memories of pedophilia and blood in a Slurpie cup and constant, insufferable cheese?
Frankly, I would rather stand in an elevator with Mussolini than Meyer. At least we would have something to talk about.
To conclude: This book will go down in history as one of media's great mistakes. Kids of the thirtieth century will look back on us and the hoards of screaming thirteen-year-olds worshipping the 'love' between a creepy old man and his sullen lap-dog and laugh. Hard.
BONUS TIME!
...because Twilight without Bonus Time would be cat shit without a litter box.
(less)
159 likes · like · see review
Christina Wilder
Kira wrote: "Christina wrote: "If you're not a published writer, Kira, you need to be one. Also, can I buy you an ice cream sundae?"
OMG YES. I like ch...more Kira wrote: "Christina wrote: "If you're not a published writer, Kira, you need to be one. Also, can I buy you an ice cream sundae?"
OMG YES. I like chocolate sauce and chopped nuts on mine.
(And don't worry..."
Can't wait to read it! Also, you get so many points referencing Mussolini in a Twilight book review that it's delirious.(less)
Aug 02, 2012 09:29am
OMG YES. I like ch...more Kira wrote: "Christina wrote: "If you're not a published writer, Kira, you need to be one. Also, can I buy you an ice cream sundae?"
OMG YES. I like chocolate sauce and chopped nuts on mine.
(And don't worry..."
Can't wait to read it! Also, you get so many points referencing Mussolini in a Twilight book review that it's delirious.(less)
Aug 02, 2012 09:29am
Ralitsa Koleva
Amen to that wonderful review. Twishit is like cancer for the literature for me. I read the 1st 2 books only to can say I read it and I didn't liked i...more
Amen to that wonderful review. Twishit is like cancer for the literature for me. I read the 1st 2 books only to can say I read it and I didn't liked it. I couldn't continue with 3 and 4 so I guess I will never finish these series.(less)
Aug 30, 2012 12:14am
Aug 30, 2012 12:14am
So, fair warning, this review is a museum piece of a conflict on Goodreads, and is not a very informative review of the book, if that is what you are looking for. And seriously, why are you even reading Twilight reviews? If you haven't read the book, you are unlikely to at this point, and if you have, you know what you think. I suppose I could take the review down, but I like how dated it is, and I like the comment thread below.
Sorry I keep floating this review. Stuff keeps changing though, so...more So, fair warning, this review is a museum piece of a conflict on Goodreads, and is not a very informative review of the book, if that is what you are looking for. And seriously, why are you even reading Twilight reviews? If you haven't read the book, you are unlikely to at this point, and if you have, you know what you think. I suppose I could take the review down, but I like how dated it is, and I like the comment thread below.
Sorry I keep floating this review. Stuff keeps changing though, so bear with me.
All the links I refer to in the body of the review have been deleted, so I'm adding a couple of links to writings and reviews that are still up instead. I may be a starry-eyed idealist, but I still firmly believe that we can talk this out.
Thanks.
------
So, read any good reviews lately?
I've already reviewed Twilight, but there's been something of a controversy here on Goodreads today about another Goodreader's review, so I'm reviewing again, because her review was about Twilight. The review that started the controversy has been taken down, a move I find somewhat problematic. I will link to versions of the original review at the end of this and quote relevant passages, but with one noted change: I will not use the name of the other GR user who freaked her out. I'm pretty sure this was the reason for the deletion of her review, and, in fact, I think all of the allegations, arguments, and parsing of this specific user's action or non-actions has become an annoying distraction from what I felt was the central message of her review, which I'll also quote below. But, God help me, I'm actually going to talk about Twilight a bit before I do that. And in order to do that, I will start with the obligatory anecdotes about my daughter that I use to talk about Twilight, it seems.
First, I'm going to tell two stories. I walk my first grader to school every day, with my daughter, who is not-yet-four along for the walk. There's a loud-mouthed drunk who lives somewhere around us, and we regularly have to pass him hanging out on the stoop with other drunks or wandering around accosting people. At some point, he started calling me his best friend, I think mostly because, at first, I would smile and nod when he spoke to me. But then he started yelling stuff at my kids, not really threatening stuff, just trying to engage them in conversation. My boy looked up at me when this started happening and asked me, what was wrong with that man? I said I didn't know, and that we shouldn't talk to him. Now we don't react at all when the drunk comes along, and he's mostly stopped talking to us. I still don't like him much, and I wish he would dry up and blow away, but that's not going to happen. He has the right to be a loud-mouthed drunk and live in my neighborhood.
Second, related anecdote: We live really close to the school, but we have to cross two streets to get to the building. The girl is usually really good about stopping at the corner, but she's three, and has to challenge my authority from time to time, and today the challenge was that she ran out into the street and then pitched a tantrum and wouldn't hold my hand. I got pretty angry, because I was afraid for her, and told her she wouldn't be allowed to walk to school with us if she didn't hold my hand. Almost instantly I realized this was the wrong tact. My daughter will never learn how to navigate her neighborhood if I keep her locked up at home.
So we talked about it, because that's pretty much what I have left: talking. I told her that if she ran out into the street without looking, she could be hit by a car, and hurt or killed. She then told me that she would pop back up and run off once she'd been run over. I realized that she was talking about what happens in cartoons. I thought fuck. I believe most children can sort out the difference between reality and cartoons, but it's totally age-dependent. My son would never confuse what happens to Wile E. Coyote with what happens in the street, not because he's smarter or less imaginative than she, but because he's seven. But like crossing the street, she will never be able to navigate her world if I forbid her to watch cartoons because she's three and can't distinguish them from reality. Soon enough, she'll figure it out, and until then, it's my job to hold her hand.
Sites like Goodreads and books like Twilight are cartoons. In Twilight you see this most in the film adaption. The whole sparkling thing reads okay on paper, but it's cartoony as all get-out on screen. Then there's the vampire baseball sequence which is maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen. Seriously, YouTube it if you haven't seen it and die laughing. The hat-pop especially - comedy gold. In fact, I think the main problem with the Twilight films is that they tried to play it straight, when they needed more giant anvils falling from the sky and funny sound effects. Then it would be sweet. I like cartoons a lot, and I don't think there's anything dangerous or bad about silliness and sparky-romance. But I think there can be a problem when loving Edward the character gets confused with loving real-life people like Edward.
And I think this is why lots of people can love Twilight in a way I can't: because they experience it as a cartoon, and can ignore or compartmentalize the real life aspects. Honestly, I think this may be a failure of imagination on my part. I had a visceral reaction against the social realism parts of the book - the social hierarchy of high school, adolescent alienation, etc - and couldn't engage in the cartoon parts because of this. Either approach is valid, I think. The loud-mouthed drunk or the vegetarian vampire make for a pretty good story - I recently met another woman who lives a couple blocks from me, and we had a great time exchanging stories of "my best friend" - but they're not good models of behavior. No one said fiction ever, ever had to generate good role models to succeed - and I mean this in the literary sense, not the monetary one - but Twilight is so obviously didactic, and kind of bossy in its message, that I couldn't sit back and enjoy the anvils.
Goodreads is also a cartoon. We have little goofy avatars, and little goofy screen names. The people who run this site seem to take a real interest in keeping off spammers, sickos, hate speech and other badness from the site, like mom. Lots of people manage multiple sock puppets, use pseudonyms, and lurk, which is all fine by me. But by all that is sparkly and undead, please never lose sight of the fact that while it is a cartoon in here, there is a real world out there. There are strings holding up the mannequins. We've got someone to hold our hand while we cross the Goodreads street, because we can flag comments and users. We can also argue, stand up for ourselves, and block anyone who bugs us for any reason. But cartoon though it may be, the predator can still follow you home. Unlike in the real world, this can only happen if you let him, by giving your real life information to people who worry you or freak you out.
To quote from the now-deleted review:
Okay, that [one star] rating is a lie. Twilight rox. But you know what does not rock? Real-life Twilight experiences. Twilight tells the basic creepy-old-man-stalks-young-girl story. You know the one. He woos her by being vaguely threatening and manipulative. She sees his condescension as the patient musings of a wiser soul. It’s fun in a book, but when you see it in real life, walk the other direction. In my experience, it is possible for creepy stalkers to come around almost anywhere, and the internet is no exception.
And another really good point:
Twilight is fun. I’m the first to admit it. But in real life Edward is just an old, bossy man with a thirst for blood. That’s not romantic. It’s gross.
Or her take-home:
What I mean to say is that we can all lynch [a specific GR user who is creepy] and pretend that it solves a problem, but it really doesn’t. I don’t want to get lecturey on you, but I think that, especially for people who are the typical targets of stalkers (young women), but really for everyone, it is important to be aware and smart and even suspicious. But it is not important to be afraid. Don’t give your address to people you don’t know. And don’t think that a compliment is always what it seems. Sometimes compliments are manipulation. If someone makes you uncomfortable or seems suspicious, don’t be afraid to tell them that. Don’t feel pressured to keep yourself in an uncomfortable situation or to talk to people who skeeze you out. You don’t have to be scared, just remove yourself from the situation. If a friend tells you to watch out for someone, give that advice a chance. I know it’s obvious to say, but I like being reminded every once in a while that you can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your own. The more you hide from someone offensive or disrespectful - the more you fear that person - the more power that person has. But you still have to be aware of your surroundings and aware of danger
I don't think we humans have a very good track record when it comes to determining real threats. My daughter has a much greater threat from cars - riding in them, running out in front of them - than she does from the loud-mouthed drunk. But the loud-mouthed drunk has a face and can follow me home, so it's super easy to mistake him for the greater danger. Which is not to say he isn't still a danger. But I'm going to be able to cross thousands of streets with her hand in mine, and drill into her daily that she must be careful and look both ways, and my run-ins with skeevy jerks will hopefully be few and far between. Ubiquity numbs. So we evaluate danger based on fear level & lack of exposure, and not on the actual likelihood of the threat. I'm not going to stop driving, walking to school, or reading things that piss me off, just because there are real things to be afraid of out there. I'm going to look both ways before I cross and trust that most people are genuinely awesome, because they are. I've made a ton of great friendships on this site. I have invited goodreaders into my home, gone to theirs, mailed out books & letters and had them mailed to me in return, and otherwise broken the fourth wall between me and my other cartoon friends. And so far, I haven't regretted it once. Goodreaders, I love you.
General love for goodreaders aside, I still struggle with my online persona all the time. Some of you may have noticed that I never refer to my children by name here, or ever post pictures of them. I had a conversation once with an older client, in her 60s, about social media. She asked me about pictures of my kids: wasn't I afraid that some pervert might rub one out to their pictures? I thought this was pretty funny, because it seemed to give all the power to the (theoretical) sickos. I can't really control what goes on in people's heads, and while it may be disgusting to consider, this theoretical pervert hasn't actually harmed my children, and has a right to think (and say) what he wants. I guess mostly I don't use their names because it makes me uncomfortable in some vague way, and I'll just go with my gut on this. Or it could be that I don't want to mix up my cartoon life with my real one, even though I do that all the time. Or whatever.
I'm having a hard time coming up with a take-home. Maybe this: life works best on the buddy system, but choose your buddies carefully. Or this: if someone freaks you out online, don't be afraid to sever your connection, because it's just a cartoon. Or this: cartoons are awesome; real anvils to the head are not. Or this: maybe talking is a better solution than review deletion. Or this: buckle up.
Other writings:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
(less)
Sorry I keep floating this review. Stuff keeps changing though, so...more So, fair warning, this review is a museum piece of a conflict on Goodreads, and is not a very informative review of the book, if that is what you are looking for. And seriously, why are you even reading Twilight reviews? If you haven't read the book, you are unlikely to at this point, and if you have, you know what you think. I suppose I could take the review down, but I like how dated it is, and I like the comment thread below.
Sorry I keep floating this review. Stuff keeps changing though, so bear with me.
All the links I refer to in the body of the review have been deleted, so I'm adding a couple of links to writings and reviews that are still up instead. I may be a starry-eyed idealist, but I still firmly believe that we can talk this out.
Thanks.
------
So, read any good reviews lately?
I've already reviewed Twilight, but there's been something of a controversy here on Goodreads today about another Goodreader's review, so I'm reviewing again, because her review was about Twilight. The review that started the controversy has been taken down, a move I find somewhat problematic. I will link to versions of the original review at the end of this and quote relevant passages, but with one noted change: I will not use the name of the other GR user who freaked her out. I'm pretty sure this was the reason for the deletion of her review, and, in fact, I think all of the allegations, arguments, and parsing of this specific user's action or non-actions has become an annoying distraction from what I felt was the central message of her review, which I'll also quote below. But, God help me, I'm actually going to talk about Twilight a bit before I do that. And in order to do that, I will start with the obligatory anecdotes about my daughter that I use to talk about Twilight, it seems.
First, I'm going to tell two stories. I walk my first grader to school every day, with my daughter, who is not-yet-four along for the walk. There's a loud-mouthed drunk who lives somewhere around us, and we regularly have to pass him hanging out on the stoop with other drunks or wandering around accosting people. At some point, he started calling me his best friend, I think mostly because, at first, I would smile and nod when he spoke to me. But then he started yelling stuff at my kids, not really threatening stuff, just trying to engage them in conversation. My boy looked up at me when this started happening and asked me, what was wrong with that man? I said I didn't know, and that we shouldn't talk to him. Now we don't react at all when the drunk comes along, and he's mostly stopped talking to us. I still don't like him much, and I wish he would dry up and blow away, but that's not going to happen. He has the right to be a loud-mouthed drunk and live in my neighborhood.
Second, related anecdote: We live really close to the school, but we have to cross two streets to get to the building. The girl is usually really good about stopping at the corner, but she's three, and has to challenge my authority from time to time, and today the challenge was that she ran out into the street and then pitched a tantrum and wouldn't hold my hand. I got pretty angry, because I was afraid for her, and told her she wouldn't be allowed to walk to school with us if she didn't hold my hand. Almost instantly I realized this was the wrong tact. My daughter will never learn how to navigate her neighborhood if I keep her locked up at home.
So we talked about it, because that's pretty much what I have left: talking. I told her that if she ran out into the street without looking, she could be hit by a car, and hurt or killed. She then told me that she would pop back up and run off once she'd been run over. I realized that she was talking about what happens in cartoons. I thought fuck. I believe most children can sort out the difference between reality and cartoons, but it's totally age-dependent. My son would never confuse what happens to Wile E. Coyote with what happens in the street, not because he's smarter or less imaginative than she, but because he's seven. But like crossing the street, she will never be able to navigate her world if I forbid her to watch cartoons because she's three and can't distinguish them from reality. Soon enough, she'll figure it out, and until then, it's my job to hold her hand.
Sites like Goodreads and books like Twilight are cartoons. In Twilight you see this most in the film adaption. The whole sparkling thing reads okay on paper, but it's cartoony as all get-out on screen. Then there's the vampire baseball sequence which is maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen. Seriously, YouTube it if you haven't seen it and die laughing. The hat-pop especially - comedy gold. In fact, I think the main problem with the Twilight films is that they tried to play it straight, when they needed more giant anvils falling from the sky and funny sound effects. Then it would be sweet. I like cartoons a lot, and I don't think there's anything dangerous or bad about silliness and sparky-romance. But I think there can be a problem when loving Edward the character gets confused with loving real-life people like Edward.
And I think this is why lots of people can love Twilight in a way I can't: because they experience it as a cartoon, and can ignore or compartmentalize the real life aspects. Honestly, I think this may be a failure of imagination on my part. I had a visceral reaction against the social realism parts of the book - the social hierarchy of high school, adolescent alienation, etc - and couldn't engage in the cartoon parts because of this. Either approach is valid, I think. The loud-mouthed drunk or the vegetarian vampire make for a pretty good story - I recently met another woman who lives a couple blocks from me, and we had a great time exchanging stories of "my best friend" - but they're not good models of behavior. No one said fiction ever, ever had to generate good role models to succeed - and I mean this in the literary sense, not the monetary one - but Twilight is so obviously didactic, and kind of bossy in its message, that I couldn't sit back and enjoy the anvils.
Goodreads is also a cartoon. We have little goofy avatars, and little goofy screen names. The people who run this site seem to take a real interest in keeping off spammers, sickos, hate speech and other badness from the site, like mom. Lots of people manage multiple sock puppets, use pseudonyms, and lurk, which is all fine by me. But by all that is sparkly and undead, please never lose sight of the fact that while it is a cartoon in here, there is a real world out there. There are strings holding up the mannequins. We've got someone to hold our hand while we cross the Goodreads street, because we can flag comments and users. We can also argue, stand up for ourselves, and block anyone who bugs us for any reason. But cartoon though it may be, the predator can still follow you home. Unlike in the real world, this can only happen if you let him, by giving your real life information to people who worry you or freak you out.
To quote from the now-deleted review:
Okay, that [one star] rating is a lie. Twilight rox. But you know what does not rock? Real-life Twilight experiences. Twilight tells the basic creepy-old-man-stalks-young-girl story. You know the one. He woos her by being vaguely threatening and manipulative. She sees his condescension as the patient musings of a wiser soul. It’s fun in a book, but when you see it in real life, walk the other direction. In my experience, it is possible for creepy stalkers to come around almost anywhere, and the internet is no exception.
And another really good point:
Twilight is fun. I’m the first to admit it. But in real life Edward is just an old, bossy man with a thirst for blood. That’s not romantic. It’s gross.
Or her take-home:
What I mean to say is that we can all lynch [a specific GR user who is creepy] and pretend that it solves a problem, but it really doesn’t. I don’t want to get lecturey on you, but I think that, especially for people who are the typical targets of stalkers (young women), but really for everyone, it is important to be aware and smart and even suspicious. But it is not important to be afraid. Don’t give your address to people you don’t know. And don’t think that a compliment is always what it seems. Sometimes compliments are manipulation. If someone makes you uncomfortable or seems suspicious, don’t be afraid to tell them that. Don’t feel pressured to keep yourself in an uncomfortable situation or to talk to people who skeeze you out. You don’t have to be scared, just remove yourself from the situation. If a friend tells you to watch out for someone, give that advice a chance. I know it’s obvious to say, but I like being reminded every once in a while that you can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your own. The more you hide from someone offensive or disrespectful - the more you fear that person - the more power that person has. But you still have to be aware of your surroundings and aware of danger
I don't think we humans have a very good track record when it comes to determining real threats. My daughter has a much greater threat from cars - riding in them, running out in front of them - than she does from the loud-mouthed drunk. But the loud-mouthed drunk has a face and can follow me home, so it's super easy to mistake him for the greater danger. Which is not to say he isn't still a danger. But I'm going to be able to cross thousands of streets with her hand in mine, and drill into her daily that she must be careful and look both ways, and my run-ins with skeevy jerks will hopefully be few and far between. Ubiquity numbs. So we evaluate danger based on fear level & lack of exposure, and not on the actual likelihood of the threat. I'm not going to stop driving, walking to school, or reading things that piss me off, just because there are real things to be afraid of out there. I'm going to look both ways before I cross and trust that most people are genuinely awesome, because they are. I've made a ton of great friendships on this site. I have invited goodreaders into my home, gone to theirs, mailed out books & letters and had them mailed to me in return, and otherwise broken the fourth wall between me and my other cartoon friends. And so far, I haven't regretted it once. Goodreaders, I love you.
General love for goodreaders aside, I still struggle with my online persona all the time. Some of you may have noticed that I never refer to my children by name here, or ever post pictures of them. I had a conversation once with an older client, in her 60s, about social media. She asked me about pictures of my kids: wasn't I afraid that some pervert might rub one out to their pictures? I thought this was pretty funny, because it seemed to give all the power to the (theoretical) sickos. I can't really control what goes on in people's heads, and while it may be disgusting to consider, this theoretical pervert hasn't actually harmed my children, and has a right to think (and say) what he wants. I guess mostly I don't use their names because it makes me uncomfortable in some vague way, and I'll just go with my gut on this. Or it could be that I don't want to mix up my cartoon life with my real one, even though I do that all the time. Or whatever.
I'm having a hard time coming up with a take-home. Maybe this: life works best on the buddy system, but choose your buddies carefully. Or this: if someone freaks you out online, don't be afraid to sever your connection, because it's just a cartoon. Or this: cartoons are awesome; real anvils to the head are not. Or this: maybe talking is a better solution than review deletion. Or this: buckle up.
Other writings:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
(less)
76 likes · like · see review
Sparrow
Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from...more Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from following you.(less)
Oct 07, 2010 01:00pm
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from...more Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from following you.(less)
Oct 07, 2010 01:00pm
Jasmine
Meredith wrote: "Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just...more Meredith wrote: "Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from following you."
i do like that you can remove followers.(less)
Oct 07, 2010 05:07pm
That doesn't block people, though, it just...more Meredith wrote: "Miriam wrote: "You can also click on the "friends" link at the top and edit your friends."
That doesn't block people, though, it just removes them from following you."
i do like that you can remove followers.(less)
Oct 07, 2010 05:07pm
This is a joke, right? This is some Truman Show-style business, with the legions of fans and the movie and the this and that omgwtfbbq, yes? Okay you guys can jump out from your hiding spaces now! And yell SURPRISE! Good one you really got me...guys...guys, come on. I mean fine let's just say that this is a real book and people seriously like it, let's say for argument. So what is their favorite part, I just want to know? Is it the part where Bella has some super bizarre outdated diction going f...more
This is a joke, right? This is some Truman Show-style business, with the legions of fans and the movie and the this and that omgwtfbbq, yes? Okay you guys can jump out from your hiding spaces now! And yell SURPRISE! Good one you really got me...guys...guys, come on. I mean fine let's just say that this is a real book and people seriously like it, let's say for argument. So what is their favorite part, I just want to know? Is it the part where Bella has some super bizarre outdated diction going for her ("By dint of much elbow grease, I was able to get both windows in the truck almost completely rolled down." ???!!?!?)? Is it the part where you could easily cut hundreds of pages from this thing and not even scathe the plot (which, for anyone who wants to speed read, is located solely between paperback pages 372 through 457)? Is it the part where Bella is a Mary Sue with Mary Sue dress and a Mary Sue face hailing from Mary Suevania bearing with her fruits of delicious Mary Sueishness Suecristo SueDAN? IS IT THAT PART???
Oh wait I forgot she does have a fault, though, guys: she FALLS DOWN SOMETIMES. She FALLS DOWN. Just FALLS. DOWN. AND FAINTS. Except fainting isn't a fault it's adorable.
I almost even don't want to talk about Edward, who is boringface from boringtown and pretty much his lovable traits include stalking and having statue-like abs (gross) and ice-cold lips (grooooossss).
I hope in the next few books everyone kills each other.(less)
Oh wait I forgot she does have a fault, though, guys: she FALLS DOWN SOMETIMES. She FALLS DOWN. Just FALLS. DOWN. AND FAINTS. Except fainting isn't a fault it's adorable.
I almost even don't want to talk about Edward, who is boringface from boringtown and pretty much his lovable traits include stalking and having statue-like abs (gross) and ice-cold lips (grooooossss).
I hope in the next few books everyone kills each other.(less)
211 likes · like · see review
Jan 10, 2012
Anila
rated it
1 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Shelves:
reviewed,
save-me-from-the-tropes
ATTENTION
Pictures have been fixed, hopefully for forever.
Right. This is going to be totally tongue-in-cheek, or at least mostly, because I don't feel like saying what's already been said about this book. If you want to know how I feel about the technical/storytelling aspects of this book, go read any of the numerous articulate, well-written one-star reviews. The one thing I will say is: I still like Alice. She was my favorite character when I liked the books and the only one I consider worth the...more ATTENTION
Pictures have been fixed, hopefully for forever.
Right. This is going to be totally tongue-in-cheek, or at least mostly, because I don't feel like saying what's already been said about this book. If you want to know how I feel about the technical/storytelling aspects of this book, go read any of the numerous articulate, well-written one-star reviews. The one thing I will say is: I still like Alice. She was my favorite character when I liked the books and the only one I consider worth the while now. Pity the book isn't about her. Jasper is okay, but not as interesting or fun as she is.
Anyhow.
The point.
TEN REASONS THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR IS HOTTER THAN EDWARD CULLEN
Setting aside, for the most part, the obvious fact of physical hotness of actors.
Because really, this:

cannot hope to compete with this:

Ever.
Okay, okay, minor fangirling episode aside, the actual list. Oh yes. Illustrated as much as I could manage, but some things just aren't possible.
10. Eating fish custard is much cooler than drinking blood.

Here's the thing: vampires are old hat now. And by 'now' I don't just mean in the wake of the craze Twilight itself created. I mean that there was already an adult PNR before this book even came along. Vampires, drinking blood, all that stuff - been there, seen that, and seen it better. Now, Timelords are a different thing. While Who is the second longest-running TV show in the world, it never gets dull. (I choose to ignore Love and Monsters for purposes of this review.) Vampires, no matter how many 'new takes' you have on them, do. Heaven knows I roll my eyes a bit now, and I've read a lot of different ideas about them. I would have liked this book ever so much more if Edward and his family had been some sort of original creature. Also, that would have required more work of Ms. Meyer, and more work might have produced a better final work.
Also, fish sticks and custard are much tastier than blood. Just sayin'.
9. Eleven looks amazing with a bow tie.

(Don't deny it, he does.)
The real point of this is: the Doctor actually acts like an old-fashioned gentleman. In every sense of the word. Sure, Edward holds car doors for Bella. But he still invades her privacy and watches her sleep, and he still takes advantage of her hormones. The Doctor, on the other hand, has class. He is infallibly polite, except to his enemies, and let's be honest: would you be polite to xeoncidal alien races? Thought not. He doesn't invade his companions' privacy. He doesn't take advantage of Amy's hormones, even when she makes it reeeeeally easy. And sure, some of that is because he's awkward around women. Some of it, though, is because he's been around long enough to learn some goddamn manners. Edward could do with a few lessons.
8. He has mad dance moves.

And he's not afraid to show it. My point here is that Eleven has a genuine personality. He has interests that don't relate to the females in his life. He has his own goals unrelated to them; he doesn't dote on them (though he does care for them); he isn't full of happy coincidental interests. Inasmuch as Bella has interests, Edward shares them. The rest of his time and mind power is pretty much spent on her. Excuse me while I gag - okay, all better.
Also, Edward doesn't seem to me like he knows how to have fun. Seriously.
7. He's Space Gandalf.

This goes back to the personality thing, and also the not getting boring thing. I mean, how could Edward describe himself? He calls himself a monster a few times - wonderful, very sexy, loving the self-hate - and he's popularly called a sparklepire. Now, let's look into these. Space Gandalf pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the Doctor: very, very old, very wise, very powerful, kind and self-sacrificing, and more concerned with the big picture. What do we learn from the world 'sparklepire'? Well, that he sparkles... and he's a vampire. The 'monster' thing tells us he's emo.
Bottom line being: the Doctor is much more interesting than Edward. Much, much, much, much more.
6. He has a much cooler ride.

Do you know what that little thing in the left corner is? It's the U.S.S. Enterprise. Remember how huge that ship is? Yeah, it's drawn next to the full TARDIS structure to scale.
I'd take that over a silver Volvo any day.
5. He'd rather travel space and time than watch sappy movies.

Edward makes most of his goal in life to 'keep Bella safe'. And he does so by not letting her really live it up. The Doctor, on the other hand, owns up to the fact that his life is dangerous - and then offers to take people with him anyway, because he has faith in their personal strength. Edward treats Bella like a hapless child. The Doctor, to whom the entire human race can be rather childlike, treats his companions like adults. He doesn't assume the worst of them, but the best. He is a positive force, whereas Edward uses his supposed fear of Bella getting hurt to keep her where he wants her - and acts as a source of negativity in that way.
4. He defeats his enemies with words alone.
For this I have not a picture, but a video: here.
Edward has to use physical force to tear his opponents apart, and then he has to set them on fire. All the Doctor has to do is talk them down. Is there any question who's more badass here? Because if there is, newsflash: true badassery comes not from being the most violent or physically forceful thing around, but from being so determined and unstoppable that no one even wants to engage you in a fight in the first place.
3. He is clearly better at attracting women.
This:

or this?

First off, Amy is hotter than Bella could ever be. But that's not all. Bella, as I kinda mentioned above, has little to no personality. She hates Forks. She likes Jane Austen. She's apparently smart, though she doesn't act that way. She mothers her own father, and she's SO IN LOVE with Edward. Amy? Amy is curious even as a young girl. She has a sense of wonder. She is tenacious - just ask those four psychiatrists who tried to tell her the 'Raggedy Doctor' wasn't real. She has a powerful, persuasive personality. She loves Rory, and she makes it clear that she doesn't want to live without him, but not everything in her life is about him. Most of all, she saves the Doctor and herself several times. Locked up by aliens? Pick locks and break the hell out. Good friend about to walk the plank into shark-infested waters? Grab a cutlass and save his life. And yeah, she doesn't always make the right choices, but at least she does things. Partly, Bella's problem with not doing jack comes from the fact that the people she would have to fight are a trillionbajillion times stronger than she is, but partly it's because she's a wuss. Amy has drive, goals, curiosity, desires beyond being with her man forever. She, unlike Bella (and this drives me APESHIT on Bella's side) actually values her friends.
If I got in a fight and I had Amy Pond and Bella Swan with me, I'd toss Bella to whoever we were fighting and then do my best to kick ass as well as Amy would.
Also, it bears noting: someone goes creeping in Amy's house and she hits him over the head with a cricket bat and handcuffs him to a radiator. Someone goes creeping in Bella's house and she thinks it's smexy.
2. He can rock a fez.

There's no deeper meaning to this one. Just - look at Eleven in that short-lived fez, and then look at Edward in the same sort of headgear:

Yeah. NO.
1. He saves the whole world, not just one pathetic girl lacking survival instinct.
When the guy tops io9's list of characters who've saved the world the most, you know he pwns everyone else.
However.
This is also a matter of scale.
I mean, Edward is pretty much immortal, right? And he's all strong, fast, able to read minds, etc. So why isn't he doing something for the greater good? Yes, yes, can't go outside in sun because he sparkles, I know, but there are other things he could do. He's been through high school and college quite a few times; couldn't he be working on a cure for cancer? Or genetically engineering crops to fix world hunger? Or in some way actually contributing to the planet? See, you can tell me that Edward Cullen is a good guy, but the fact is he's a pathetic little coward who hides in his corner of the world and refuses to use his gifts to help the rest of the planet and those who are suffering. As for the Doctor, his whole mission in life is to help the world. In one season, he saved the world four times. FOUR. TIMES. He manages to see both the big picture and the small picture, both the personal crises and the lives that need changing and the massive invasions or conflicts. He is not a coward. He does not hide. He fights his own battles and he wins.
Want to convince me that Edward is a hero? Put him on the big stage and show me his shine. (or his sparkle, I suppose.)
I should note that while I hated Robert Pattinson as Edward for many reasons, I won't bear him permanent ill will unless he screwed up Water for Elephants. I do like making fun of his portrayal of Edward, and I find him distinctly unattractive.
In conclusion:

Original review:
(view spoiler)[The first time I read it, I liked it.
The second time, which directly followed the first, I liked it.
Then I took some time off to catch up on the rest of the series. New Moon had me up until two in the morning (though in my own defence I read a chapter of it, a chapter of Silent Spring the whole time). Later, at camp, finding a friend reading it, I borrowed it and flipped straight to one scene to re-read it, just 'cause.
Eclipse was okay, and I was fine with Breaking Dawn on first go-through. (Another all-nighter, on principle this time.)
My problem with Twilight is much less its story (though the sparklepires are dumb beyond expression) and much more its fanbase. It does not deserve this screaming, plauge-of-locusts-like fanbase. Hell, no book deserves that- and this is coming from someone guilty of rabid fangirling, so no grain of salt required.
Eventually, when I've run out of good new things to read, I'll get back to Twilight and give it the thorough, mostly unbiased review all books deserve. I will not read Cleoland before reviewing. I will not read Cleoland before reading. I will not even touch Ferretbrain. I will simply sit down with the book some lazy summer day when I should be writing or hiking or doing AP homework and read it and make notes.
But not now. And probably not this summer. (hide spoiler)](less)
Pictures have been fixed, hopefully for forever.
Right. This is going to be totally tongue-in-cheek, or at least mostly, because I don't feel like saying what's already been said about this book. If you want to know how I feel about the technical/storytelling aspects of this book, go read any of the numerous articulate, well-written one-star reviews. The one thing I will say is: I still like Alice. She was my favorite character when I liked the books and the only one I consider worth the...more ATTENTION
Pictures have been fixed, hopefully for forever.
Right. This is going to be totally tongue-in-cheek, or at least mostly, because I don't feel like saying what's already been said about this book. If you want to know how I feel about the technical/storytelling aspects of this book, go read any of the numerous articulate, well-written one-star reviews. The one thing I will say is: I still like Alice. She was my favorite character when I liked the books and the only one I consider worth the while now. Pity the book isn't about her. Jasper is okay, but not as interesting or fun as she is.
Anyhow.
The point.
TEN REASONS THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR IS HOTTER THAN EDWARD CULLEN
Setting aside, for the most part, the obvious fact of physical hotness of actors.
Because really, this:

cannot hope to compete with this:

Ever.
Okay, okay, minor fangirling episode aside, the actual list. Oh yes. Illustrated as much as I could manage, but some things just aren't possible.
10. Eating fish custard is much cooler than drinking blood.

Here's the thing: vampires are old hat now. And by 'now' I don't just mean in the wake of the craze Twilight itself created. I mean that there was already an adult PNR before this book even came along. Vampires, drinking blood, all that stuff - been there, seen that, and seen it better. Now, Timelords are a different thing. While Who is the second longest-running TV show in the world, it never gets dull. (I choose to ignore Love and Monsters for purposes of this review.) Vampires, no matter how many 'new takes' you have on them, do. Heaven knows I roll my eyes a bit now, and I've read a lot of different ideas about them. I would have liked this book ever so much more if Edward and his family had been some sort of original creature. Also, that would have required more work of Ms. Meyer, and more work might have produced a better final work.
Also, fish sticks and custard are much tastier than blood. Just sayin'.
9. Eleven looks amazing with a bow tie.

(Don't deny it, he does.)
The real point of this is: the Doctor actually acts like an old-fashioned gentleman. In every sense of the word. Sure, Edward holds car doors for Bella. But he still invades her privacy and watches her sleep, and he still takes advantage of her hormones. The Doctor, on the other hand, has class. He is infallibly polite, except to his enemies, and let's be honest: would you be polite to xeoncidal alien races? Thought not. He doesn't invade his companions' privacy. He doesn't take advantage of Amy's hormones, even when she makes it reeeeeally easy. And sure, some of that is because he's awkward around women. Some of it, though, is because he's been around long enough to learn some goddamn manners. Edward could do with a few lessons.
8. He has mad dance moves.

And he's not afraid to show it. My point here is that Eleven has a genuine personality. He has interests that don't relate to the females in his life. He has his own goals unrelated to them; he doesn't dote on them (though he does care for them); he isn't full of happy coincidental interests. Inasmuch as Bella has interests, Edward shares them. The rest of his time and mind power is pretty much spent on her. Excuse me while I gag - okay, all better.
Also, Edward doesn't seem to me like he knows how to have fun. Seriously.
7. He's Space Gandalf.

This goes back to the personality thing, and also the not getting boring thing. I mean, how could Edward describe himself? He calls himself a monster a few times - wonderful, very sexy, loving the self-hate - and he's popularly called a sparklepire. Now, let's look into these. Space Gandalf pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the Doctor: very, very old, very wise, very powerful, kind and self-sacrificing, and more concerned with the big picture. What do we learn from the world 'sparklepire'? Well, that he sparkles... and he's a vampire. The 'monster' thing tells us he's emo.
Bottom line being: the Doctor is much more interesting than Edward. Much, much, much, much more.
6. He has a much cooler ride.

Do you know what that little thing in the left corner is? It's the U.S.S. Enterprise. Remember how huge that ship is? Yeah, it's drawn next to the full TARDIS structure to scale.
I'd take that over a silver Volvo any day.
5. He'd rather travel space and time than watch sappy movies.

Edward makes most of his goal in life to 'keep Bella safe'. And he does so by not letting her really live it up. The Doctor, on the other hand, owns up to the fact that his life is dangerous - and then offers to take people with him anyway, because he has faith in their personal strength. Edward treats Bella like a hapless child. The Doctor, to whom the entire human race can be rather childlike, treats his companions like adults. He doesn't assume the worst of them, but the best. He is a positive force, whereas Edward uses his supposed fear of Bella getting hurt to keep her where he wants her - and acts as a source of negativity in that way.
4. He defeats his enemies with words alone.
For this I have not a picture, but a video: here.
Edward has to use physical force to tear his opponents apart, and then he has to set them on fire. All the Doctor has to do is talk them down. Is there any question who's more badass here? Because if there is, newsflash: true badassery comes not from being the most violent or physically forceful thing around, but from being so determined and unstoppable that no one even wants to engage you in a fight in the first place.
3. He is clearly better at attracting women.
This:

or this?

First off, Amy is hotter than Bella could ever be. But that's not all. Bella, as I kinda mentioned above, has little to no personality. She hates Forks. She likes Jane Austen. She's apparently smart, though she doesn't act that way. She mothers her own father, and she's SO IN LOVE with Edward. Amy? Amy is curious even as a young girl. She has a sense of wonder. She is tenacious - just ask those four psychiatrists who tried to tell her the 'Raggedy Doctor' wasn't real. She has a powerful, persuasive personality. She loves Rory, and she makes it clear that she doesn't want to live without him, but not everything in her life is about him. Most of all, she saves the Doctor and herself several times. Locked up by aliens? Pick locks and break the hell out. Good friend about to walk the plank into shark-infested waters? Grab a cutlass and save his life. And yeah, she doesn't always make the right choices, but at least she does things. Partly, Bella's problem with not doing jack comes from the fact that the people she would have to fight are a trillionbajillion times stronger than she is, but partly it's because she's a wuss. Amy has drive, goals, curiosity, desires beyond being with her man forever. She, unlike Bella (and this drives me APESHIT on Bella's side) actually values her friends.
If I got in a fight and I had Amy Pond and Bella Swan with me, I'd toss Bella to whoever we were fighting and then do my best to kick ass as well as Amy would.
Also, it bears noting: someone goes creeping in Amy's house and she hits him over the head with a cricket bat and handcuffs him to a radiator. Someone goes creeping in Bella's house and she thinks it's smexy.
2. He can rock a fez.

There's no deeper meaning to this one. Just - look at Eleven in that short-lived fez, and then look at Edward in the same sort of headgear:

Yeah. NO.
1. He saves the whole world, not just one pathetic girl lacking survival instinct.
When the guy tops io9's list of characters who've saved the world the most, you know he pwns everyone else.
However.
This is also a matter of scale.
I mean, Edward is pretty much immortal, right? And he's all strong, fast, able to read minds, etc. So why isn't he doing something for the greater good? Yes, yes, can't go outside in sun because he sparkles, I know, but there are other things he could do. He's been through high school and college quite a few times; couldn't he be working on a cure for cancer? Or genetically engineering crops to fix world hunger? Or in some way actually contributing to the planet? See, you can tell me that Edward Cullen is a good guy, but the fact is he's a pathetic little coward who hides in his corner of the world and refuses to use his gifts to help the rest of the planet and those who are suffering. As for the Doctor, his whole mission in life is to help the world. In one season, he saved the world four times. FOUR. TIMES. He manages to see both the big picture and the small picture, both the personal crises and the lives that need changing and the massive invasions or conflicts. He is not a coward. He does not hide. He fights his own battles and he wins.
Want to convince me that Edward is a hero? Put him on the big stage and show me his shine. (or his sparkle, I suppose.)
I should note that while I hated Robert Pattinson as Edward for many reasons, I won't bear him permanent ill will unless he screwed up Water for Elephants. I do like making fun of his portrayal of Edward, and I find him distinctly unattractive.
In conclusion:

Original review:
(view spoiler)[The first time I read it, I liked it.
The second time, which directly followed the first, I liked it.
Then I took some time off to catch up on the rest of the series. New Moon had me up until two in the morning (though in my own defence I read a chapter of it, a chapter of Silent Spring the whole time). Later, at camp, finding a friend reading it, I borrowed it and flipped straight to one scene to re-read it, just 'cause.
Eclipse was okay, and I was fine with Breaking Dawn on first go-through. (Another all-nighter, on principle this time.)
My problem with Twilight is much less its story (though the sparklepires are dumb beyond expression) and much more its fanbase. It does not deserve this screaming, plauge-of-locusts-like fanbase. Hell, no book deserves that- and this is coming from someone guilty of rabid fangirling, so no grain of salt required.
Eventually, when I've run out of good new things to read, I'll get back to Twilight and give it the thorough, mostly unbiased review all books deserve. I will not read Cleoland before reviewing. I will not read Cleoland before reading. I will not even touch Ferretbrain. I will simply sit down with the book some lazy summer day when I should be writing or hiking or doing AP homework and read it and make notes.
But not now. And probably not this summer. (hide spoiler)](less)
Jan 25, 2008
Saya
rated it
3 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Romance obsessed teen girls
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it,
click here.
The problem I have with Twilight is that while my inner fangirl loves this book my outer author (though amateur) knows how poor a book this is. But Twilight is a romance meant for teenage girls longing for a romantic escape, realism would only detract from the magic of Forks and the Cullens, if you want to enjoy this book then you must embrace that inner fangirl and let go of your outer author. I only wish that Mrs. Meyer had put more effort into at least making the characters more real. Questio...more
The problem I have with Twilight is that while my inner fangirl loves this book my outer author (though amateur) knows how poor a book this is. But Twilight is a romance meant for teenage girls longing for a romantic escape, realism would only detract from the magic of Forks and the Cullens, if you want to enjoy this book then you must embrace that inner fangirl and let go of your outer author. I only wish that Mrs. Meyer had put more effort into at least making the characters more real. Questions such as why the Cullens returned to Forks arise or why they are attending high school again (according to an FAQ it is to stay current with new discoveries but surely such a small town is not ideal for knowledge), I like to pretend that the Cullens returned to Forks for Alice and Jasper's sake so they could be at the beginning of the vampires' enemies as well as learn to be human in a small town before moving on to bigger things- alas, such reasoning is not used and we must accept this reality without explanation, which even my inner fangirl cannot accept.
The romance- some love it, some complain how unrealistic and stupid it is. Well, it is Bella's first love, despite all the male attention she didn't care. Edward has read the minds of everyone around him for 90 years, immediately labeling someone and (most likely) not giving them a chance beyond politeness, then comes along a girl whose mind he can't read and whose blood drives him to the edge of insanity; when he learns more about Bella he sees a, mature girl who shares similar hobbies, and enjoys old fashioned things (like himself). Alas, what I have pointed out (actually based on someone else's review) is not remarked upon in the book; we are to accept that they love each other and that is all- no questions, their love transcends time and they shall die for the other and blah, blah, blah. If only Meyer had Bella and Edward explain their attraction to each other, then this book would be more liked.
The main character is either called smart or stupid. Bella does display positive traits: unlike the sequels she is selfless enough to get her friends together and move to Forks so her mother can be happy with her boyfriend, Bella is also intelligent enough to be placed in an advanced program, she displays a sarcastic wit which eventually turns into decent humor rather than complaining, she reads the classics like Austen, listens to Debussy and other music quite often, and most importantly, is very observant- she notices the Cullens vampire speed speaking to each other, how they don't eat their food, how Edward's eye color changes, their abnormal camping season, and how beautifully alike they all are.
On the bad side: Bella is not wise enough to think that as a danger prone, clumsy, bad luck magnet that she may be in danger at night, alone, in an unfamiliar city. Her intelligence is arguable when she is in Edward's presence since she either is too consumed by first love to think clearly or she is perhaps, so stupid and selfish she doesn't care (which becomes apparent in the sequels). A neutral trait is Bella's clumsiness- a common Moe Moe trait- which is actually rather cute given that it is random and not serious (unlike the sequels) but her clumsiness is questionable in it's realism- though thankfully, her clumsiness didn't set in motion events (unlike the sequels which only happened because of an ACCIDENT than her clumsiness). Her issue with blood is my biggest gripe, I know real people are hemophobes (fear of blood) but it just seems out of place with Bella, of all her traits, this one feels the most tacked on, existing only for irony.
The biggest flaw is not even of her character but of her appearance. If you read Meyer's FAQ you will see just how similar Bella is to Stephenie only her appearance reminds me of a cute anime girl- the clumsy Moe Moe. Bella's name is even worse: Isabella Marie Swan- Beautiful Swan- gee, that's subtle. I cannot fathom how Eric, Mike, Tyler, and Jacob all came to pursue Bella- Eric is desperate, Mike is popular so he doesn't make sense, Tyler only wants to make up nearly killing Bella, and Jacob falls in love with Bella with nothing more than the knowledge that this girl used to hang out with his older sisters. Then of course is Lauren- the most popular girl in school- who becomes jealous of Bella for the rest of high school for having so much attention and not wanting it.
Bella reminds me of Fujioka Haruhi from Ouran High School Host Club, only Haruhi is cool and special, I can understand why four guys and a girl love her and why a mean girl is envious. Only Bella chooses to fight because she knows she will trip if she tries to run while Haruhi will choose to fight to protect girls from jerks.
Edward's appeal comes largely from the fact that no man (or woman) can be THAT romantically perfect. My fangirl coos at Edward's suave, flirtatious, and mysterious nature (also because he wears a turtleneck) while my author longs for a more solid character. All of Edward's charming characteristics stem from his experience as a vampire rather than the son of a wealthy lawyer in Chicago who dreamed of fighting in the war- but either 90 years of mind reading and some of killing bad people leads to a questionable conclusion, I just don't feel that Edward's past is part of the vampire Bella meets. Also, his angst- laughably dumb. Sorry Ed, but I just don't care, perhaps it is Edward's nature to try and help others but his past escapades of murder and heroics are forgotten after they are mention and are not recalled in the sequels.
The writing was simple and had a nice magical ring to it, it brought a real sense of the misty, green atmosphere behind Bella's house and the sunny yellow meadow of Edward's.
A big problem I have with Twilight is how we must exit Bella's head to analyze characters. Bella's self esteem seems fine in the beginning given how she doesn't care for the male attention nor cares for Lauren's envy but as she falls in love with Edward he is seen through her "first love and with the perfect guy" eyes and Edward as a person is lost to Bella considering him perfect. Luckily, we only encounter a few of her self-depreciating comments- only when she is caught by surprise by Edward's vampiric beauty (and for the first time). But I do not enjoy having to analyze these characters through the eyes of a girl who can see nothing but absolute perfection. Bella is supposed to be observant and yet cannot pick out characteristics like how much Edward questions her since he can't read her mind and especially not what someone would be like after 90 years of immediately labeling someone by reading their thoughts.
As an author and reader, I roll my eyes at Meyer's biggest mistake- whereas my fangirl was excited and happy with the random encounter of James' coven, I still know how desperate Meyer must have been for an exciting conclusion and so tossed this in. Albeit, fangirls will enjoy the cat-and-mouse game at the end (as well as the character development of Alice and most definitely Jasper) but critics will scoff at the sudden appearance to conclude what just was a mystery and romance driven plot where the only danger was Edward himself. The worst part of the encounter is how this completely random wind sets in motion the hunt, not even Bella's clumsiness (which may have improved the chase), but a wind.
Meyer had plenty of opportunities to be the new Anne Rice (with actual literary credit rather than a strong fan following) and yet she fails to create strong supporting characters, secondary characters, world, vampire mythology, and overall a strong story. Her vampires have NO WEAKNESSES, rather than die in sunlight they sparkle, they even have super, special, awesome powers- some which effect Bella and some that don't, which goes unexplained for two books. While I am not a romance fan and have no interest in romance myself, I was still enchanted with Twilight. Alas dear reader, the magic shrivels up and dies in New Moon and Eclipse; trust me, stop here- maybe read New Moon since a lot happens plot and relationship wise, but DO NOT read Eclipse for even though important stuff does happen it is handled so poorly I can scarcely acknowledge it.(less)
The romance- some love it, some complain how unrealistic and stupid it is. Well, it is Bella's first love, despite all the male attention she didn't care. Edward has read the minds of everyone around him for 90 years, immediately labeling someone and (most likely) not giving them a chance beyond politeness, then comes along a girl whose mind he can't read and whose blood drives him to the edge of insanity; when he learns more about Bella he sees a, mature girl who shares similar hobbies, and enjoys old fashioned things (like himself). Alas, what I have pointed out (actually based on someone else's review) is not remarked upon in the book; we are to accept that they love each other and that is all- no questions, their love transcends time and they shall die for the other and blah, blah, blah. If only Meyer had Bella and Edward explain their attraction to each other, then this book would be more liked.
The main character is either called smart or stupid. Bella does display positive traits: unlike the sequels she is selfless enough to get her friends together and move to Forks so her mother can be happy with her boyfriend, Bella is also intelligent enough to be placed in an advanced program, she displays a sarcastic wit which eventually turns into decent humor rather than complaining, she reads the classics like Austen, listens to Debussy and other music quite often, and most importantly, is very observant- she notices the Cullens vampire speed speaking to each other, how they don't eat their food, how Edward's eye color changes, their abnormal camping season, and how beautifully alike they all are.
On the bad side: Bella is not wise enough to think that as a danger prone, clumsy, bad luck magnet that she may be in danger at night, alone, in an unfamiliar city. Her intelligence is arguable when she is in Edward's presence since she either is too consumed by first love to think clearly or she is perhaps, so stupid and selfish she doesn't care (which becomes apparent in the sequels). A neutral trait is Bella's clumsiness- a common Moe Moe trait- which is actually rather cute given that it is random and not serious (unlike the sequels) but her clumsiness is questionable in it's realism- though thankfully, her clumsiness didn't set in motion events (unlike the sequels which only happened because of an ACCIDENT than her clumsiness). Her issue with blood is my biggest gripe, I know real people are hemophobes (fear of blood) but it just seems out of place with Bella, of all her traits, this one feels the most tacked on, existing only for irony.
The biggest flaw is not even of her character but of her appearance. If you read Meyer's FAQ you will see just how similar Bella is to Stephenie only her appearance reminds me of a cute anime girl- the clumsy Moe Moe. Bella's name is even worse: Isabella Marie Swan- Beautiful Swan- gee, that's subtle. I cannot fathom how Eric, Mike, Tyler, and Jacob all came to pursue Bella- Eric is desperate, Mike is popular so he doesn't make sense, Tyler only wants to make up nearly killing Bella, and Jacob falls in love with Bella with nothing more than the knowledge that this girl used to hang out with his older sisters. Then of course is Lauren- the most popular girl in school- who becomes jealous of Bella for the rest of high school for having so much attention and not wanting it.
Bella reminds me of Fujioka Haruhi from Ouran High School Host Club, only Haruhi is cool and special, I can understand why four guys and a girl love her and why a mean girl is envious. Only Bella chooses to fight because she knows she will trip if she tries to run while Haruhi will choose to fight to protect girls from jerks.
Edward's appeal comes largely from the fact that no man (or woman) can be THAT romantically perfect. My fangirl coos at Edward's suave, flirtatious, and mysterious nature (also because he wears a turtleneck) while my author longs for a more solid character. All of Edward's charming characteristics stem from his experience as a vampire rather than the son of a wealthy lawyer in Chicago who dreamed of fighting in the war- but either 90 years of mind reading and some of killing bad people leads to a questionable conclusion, I just don't feel that Edward's past is part of the vampire Bella meets. Also, his angst- laughably dumb. Sorry Ed, but I just don't care, perhaps it is Edward's nature to try and help others but his past escapades of murder and heroics are forgotten after they are mention and are not recalled in the sequels.
The writing was simple and had a nice magical ring to it, it brought a real sense of the misty, green atmosphere behind Bella's house and the sunny yellow meadow of Edward's.
A big problem I have with Twilight is how we must exit Bella's head to analyze characters. Bella's self esteem seems fine in the beginning given how she doesn't care for the male attention nor cares for Lauren's envy but as she falls in love with Edward he is seen through her "first love and with the perfect guy" eyes and Edward as a person is lost to Bella considering him perfect. Luckily, we only encounter a few of her self-depreciating comments- only when she is caught by surprise by Edward's vampiric beauty (and for the first time). But I do not enjoy having to analyze these characters through the eyes of a girl who can see nothing but absolute perfection. Bella is supposed to be observant and yet cannot pick out characteristics like how much Edward questions her since he can't read her mind and especially not what someone would be like after 90 years of immediately labeling someone by reading their thoughts.
As an author and reader, I roll my eyes at Meyer's biggest mistake- whereas my fangirl was excited and happy with the random encounter of James' coven, I still know how desperate Meyer must have been for an exciting conclusion and so tossed this in. Albeit, fangirls will enjoy the cat-and-mouse game at the end (as well as the character development of Alice and most definitely Jasper) but critics will scoff at the sudden appearance to conclude what just was a mystery and romance driven plot where the only danger was Edward himself. The worst part of the encounter is how this completely random wind sets in motion the hunt, not even Bella's clumsiness (which may have improved the chase), but a wind.
Meyer had plenty of opportunities to be the new Anne Rice (with actual literary credit rather than a strong fan following) and yet she fails to create strong supporting characters, secondary characters, world, vampire mythology, and overall a strong story. Her vampires have NO WEAKNESSES, rather than die in sunlight they sparkle, they even have super, special, awesome powers- some which effect Bella and some that don't, which goes unexplained for two books. While I am not a romance fan and have no interest in romance myself, I was still enchanted with Twilight. Alas dear reader, the magic shrivels up and dies in New Moon and Eclipse; trust me, stop here- maybe read New Moon since a lot happens plot and relationship wise, but DO NOT read Eclipse for even though important stuff does happen it is handled so poorly I can scarcely acknowledge it.(less)
Aug 23, 2008
Elizabeth
added it
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
teenage girls who like the Jonas Brothers
2012: I wrote the review below in 2008. In retrospect I think it's too snarky, but it is a critical analysis at heart, supported by examples from the text, so I've decided to leave it up. But I want to preface it with two comments: 1. I would be nowhere right now without Stephenie Meyer. She had a pivotal role in bringing paranormal YA to a level of popularity that widened the whole market, making my own book sale more likely. Moreover, studying her novel allowed me to think more clearly about h...more
2012: I wrote the review below in 2008. In retrospect I think it's too snarky, but it is a critical analysis at heart, supported by examples from the text, so I've decided to leave it up. But I want to preface it with two comments: 1. I would be nowhere right now without Stephenie Meyer. She had a pivotal role in bringing paranormal YA to a level of popularity that widened the whole market, making my own book sale more likely. Moreover, studying her novel allowed me to think more clearly about how I wanted to approach my own. I'm thrilled at her success, and deeply impressed with how well she taps into the psyche of so many YA readers; 2. I recently read an interview with her, and she seems like a great person—kind and generous. I would probably enjoy her company!
The entire review is spoilery, so I'm hiding it for the one person on the planet who hasn't read it or seen the movie...
(view spoiler)[
2008 review:
Some readers are obsessed with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, but I am obsessed with how disappointed I was with it. It was promising, on so many levels -- I just couldn't believe that it didn't deliver.
My disappointment covers the big picture and the small details, and it will likely prevent me from reading any of the sequels.
If you think about it at all, the premise is a little icky. What would a guy born in 1901 have in common with a (rather useless) 17 year-old that could sustain their relationship? For that matter (call me a nerd), why would he go to high school, instead of going to college and graduate school, passing for older, and actually learning something? The feeble excuse is that if they play younger, they can stay in each town longer, but why not drag out college and grad school instead (easier to do), and at least be around brilliant professors? Isn't it actually creepy that such an older man likes Bella? What does he see in her other than her fabulous "smell?" True, he can't read her mind, but do we ever find out that this trait is a product of her skill or complexity? No. She has no outstanding talents, and worse (as far as character growth goes) she gains none from her experience with him. She's a decent student, and she can cook simple dinners and that's it. I wanted to discover, along with her, that while she thought she was ordinary, there was a depth, a skill, an intellect, a wit, a compassion, a gift -- you pick it! -- that set her apart from all of Edward's peers for 90 years. Instead, she sort of annoyed me, and she was secretly a lousy role model for girls: she'd rather die than be without her man; she notices nothing about him other than his looks and strength and "perfection"; she dreads growing into an old woman while Edward stays young and beautiful; she has no clear hobbies (she reads books, but we don't get to see it); she's supercilious about kids who are being kind to her at school (one of whom, she belabors, has pimples and greasy hair); she begs Edward to make her a vampire, so she can live with him forever, without thinking of the consequences (what are the real implications of eternal life -- has she reflected at all? -- and does she want to spend eternity occasionally falling off the wagon and murdering humans?). She can't even learn how to use the harness seat belt in Emmett's Jeep -- a vampire has to help her in and out of it twice. Bella doesn't change or grow at all in this book, she digresses into a girl who wants nothing more than to be married to a vampire.
There are other, unfortunate subliminal messages for girls in this book, too. When Bella takes the lead and kisses Edward with passion, he nearly loses control and scolds her, "Behave." Does Meyer really want to imply that if a girl is sexy or makes a first move, the man will eat (read: rape) her? There's mention of a couple of very young marriages in the book. In the first chapter of New Moon (helpfully provided at the end of the paperback version of Twilight), Bella says Edward wants her to go to college, but that "wouldn't be necessary if he would only give her his wish." What?! If she could land her man for all eternity, she wouldn't need an education? She spends a lot of this book crying (she's already crying by page 9), and tells us at the beginning that she also cries when she's angry. Honestly, I'd rather she kicked someone's butt when she's angry.
But, to be fair, Edward is no catch, either. He has all of eternity to make himself useful, and he's still in high school. His important features seem to be his looks, his strength, and his agility. He's arrogant and condescending. He's good at school because he has repeated it for so many years. He can read minds. We're supposed to swoon that he wants desperately to protect Bella. We're probably not supposed to be creeped out that he watches her sleep and follows her around town without telling her (but I was). We're also supposed to think he's selfless, because he doesn't eat her, when in fact he's selfish, knowing he presents a danger to her.
The romance is unsatisfying, and we spend pages and pages -- the whole middle third of the book -- listening to their puppy-dog confessions of love. "Don't leave me!" "I'll never leave you." "I love you more than anything else combined, isn't that enough?" When I teach Romance 101, I'm going to tell my students that either the lovers have to be thwarted until the very end, or if they profess their love early, the book had better be about something else. The plot line with the outside vampire clan was too little, too late. For one thing, Bella's half-baked plan to save herself and her father from James made no sense. The fact that Edward's clan immediately agreed to it -- after 300 years of experience as the mega-powerful undead -- was not believable. And then, making us feel especially cheated, the important action (in which James is killed) is shown off screen, through Bella's semi-conscious view.
There are distracting inconsistencies and plot conveniences that make no sense. For example, Charlie is the strong, silent type of dad. He does sweet, protective things like put chains on her tires when there's an ice storm, or immediately call her mother (his ex-wife) when Bella bumps her head on the school parking lot. So why does he fail to call his ex-wife when Bella runs away out of state in the middle of the school week? And why does Charlie practically beg Bella for weeks to go to a girls-choice dance, and then disable her truck on the night of the dance to keep her from "sneaking" out? At the end of the book, how is it that every student at the school (including 14 or 15 year-old Billy) is at the senior prom? Don't you have to be a senior to go to senior prom?
I copyedited this book with a pencil as I read. I just couldn't stand the typos ("It had been belonged to me since I was born.") and some instances of Bella's teenage grammar seemed unnecessary ("Forks was literally my personal hell on earth."). There were many tic-words that began to grate on me. I underlined every instance of the word "chuckled" or the phrase "eyes flickered over to..." (Eyes do not flicker over to someone, they flit, and even that phrase is trite.) People "shrug" their coats on and off. And the repetition was exhausting: repetition of plot, repetition of their protestations of love, repetition of words like glorious, angelic, perfect, marbled, glared, fierce, and grimaced. Last but certainly not least: I'm a writer who actually likes judiciously-used adverbs, but there were way too many here.
There are instances of telling, not showing: "I could feel the hurt and shock on my face." "I tried to be courageous." "The rage in his voice was directed internally." And there are awkward constructs that distracted me: "I could almost hear his eyes rolling." "The silver (cell) phone resting on Alice's bag seemed to grow bigger as the hours passed." "A fresh wave of serenity filled the car." And descriptive cliches, "The sun was a setting orb."
Finally, the author completely ignored traditional vampire folklore (and invented one new rule, the particularly unfortunate glittering skin). I, for one, needed some of the old traditions to give the story a timeless feel, and to make it seem like she had done her research. In fact, in the acknowledgements she doesn't mention research other than to thank her brothers for helping her with "the automotive details." Yet the details regarding cars are simple: Billy Black says he needs a master cylinder for the VW rabbit he's rebuilding; the jeep off-road vehicle has harness seat belts; the BMW can go over 100 miles per hour; and Charlie pulls some unnamed wires to disable the truck. Meanwhile, there's 90 years of history we could learn through Edward's eyes, 300 years of history we could learn from Carlisle, there's a hospital scene with medical mistakes and anachronisms, and all that vampire lore I wanted to hear about. I would especially have appreciated some sort of philosophical discussion on the morality of choosing to become a vampire, and the implications of eternal life. But neither Bella nor Edward was equipped for it. (hide spoiler)]
(less)
The entire review is spoilery, so I'm hiding it for the one person on the planet who hasn't read it or seen the movie...
(view spoiler)[
2008 review:
Some readers are obsessed with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, but I am obsessed with how disappointed I was with it. It was promising, on so many levels -- I just couldn't believe that it didn't deliver.
My disappointment covers the big picture and the small details, and it will likely prevent me from reading any of the sequels.
If you think about it at all, the premise is a little icky. What would a guy born in 1901 have in common with a (rather useless) 17 year-old that could sustain their relationship? For that matter (call me a nerd), why would he go to high school, instead of going to college and graduate school, passing for older, and actually learning something? The feeble excuse is that if they play younger, they can stay in each town longer, but why not drag out college and grad school instead (easier to do), and at least be around brilliant professors? Isn't it actually creepy that such an older man likes Bella? What does he see in her other than her fabulous "smell?" True, he can't read her mind, but do we ever find out that this trait is a product of her skill or complexity? No. She has no outstanding talents, and worse (as far as character growth goes) she gains none from her experience with him. She's a decent student, and she can cook simple dinners and that's it. I wanted to discover, along with her, that while she thought she was ordinary, there was a depth, a skill, an intellect, a wit, a compassion, a gift -- you pick it! -- that set her apart from all of Edward's peers for 90 years. Instead, she sort of annoyed me, and she was secretly a lousy role model for girls: she'd rather die than be without her man; she notices nothing about him other than his looks and strength and "perfection"; she dreads growing into an old woman while Edward stays young and beautiful; she has no clear hobbies (she reads books, but we don't get to see it); she's supercilious about kids who are being kind to her at school (one of whom, she belabors, has pimples and greasy hair); she begs Edward to make her a vampire, so she can live with him forever, without thinking of the consequences (what are the real implications of eternal life -- has she reflected at all? -- and does she want to spend eternity occasionally falling off the wagon and murdering humans?). She can't even learn how to use the harness seat belt in Emmett's Jeep -- a vampire has to help her in and out of it twice. Bella doesn't change or grow at all in this book, she digresses into a girl who wants nothing more than to be married to a vampire.
There are other, unfortunate subliminal messages for girls in this book, too. When Bella takes the lead and kisses Edward with passion, he nearly loses control and scolds her, "Behave." Does Meyer really want to imply that if a girl is sexy or makes a first move, the man will eat (read: rape) her? There's mention of a couple of very young marriages in the book. In the first chapter of New Moon (helpfully provided at the end of the paperback version of Twilight), Bella says Edward wants her to go to college, but that "wouldn't be necessary if he would only give her his wish." What?! If she could land her man for all eternity, she wouldn't need an education? She spends a lot of this book crying (she's already crying by page 9), and tells us at the beginning that she also cries when she's angry. Honestly, I'd rather she kicked someone's butt when she's angry.
But, to be fair, Edward is no catch, either. He has all of eternity to make himself useful, and he's still in high school. His important features seem to be his looks, his strength, and his agility. He's arrogant and condescending. He's good at school because he has repeated it for so many years. He can read minds. We're supposed to swoon that he wants desperately to protect Bella. We're probably not supposed to be creeped out that he watches her sleep and follows her around town without telling her (but I was). We're also supposed to think he's selfless, because he doesn't eat her, when in fact he's selfish, knowing he presents a danger to her.
The romance is unsatisfying, and we spend pages and pages -- the whole middle third of the book -- listening to their puppy-dog confessions of love. "Don't leave me!" "I'll never leave you." "I love you more than anything else combined, isn't that enough?" When I teach Romance 101, I'm going to tell my students that either the lovers have to be thwarted until the very end, or if they profess their love early, the book had better be about something else. The plot line with the outside vampire clan was too little, too late. For one thing, Bella's half-baked plan to save herself and her father from James made no sense. The fact that Edward's clan immediately agreed to it -- after 300 years of experience as the mega-powerful undead -- was not believable. And then, making us feel especially cheated, the important action (in which James is killed) is shown off screen, through Bella's semi-conscious view.
There are distracting inconsistencies and plot conveniences that make no sense. For example, Charlie is the strong, silent type of dad. He does sweet, protective things like put chains on her tires when there's an ice storm, or immediately call her mother (his ex-wife) when Bella bumps her head on the school parking lot. So why does he fail to call his ex-wife when Bella runs away out of state in the middle of the school week? And why does Charlie practically beg Bella for weeks to go to a girls-choice dance, and then disable her truck on the night of the dance to keep her from "sneaking" out? At the end of the book, how is it that every student at the school (including 14 or 15 year-old Billy) is at the senior prom? Don't you have to be a senior to go to senior prom?
I copyedited this book with a pencil as I read. I just couldn't stand the typos ("It had been belonged to me since I was born.") and some instances of Bella's teenage grammar seemed unnecessary ("Forks was literally my personal hell on earth."). There were many tic-words that began to grate on me. I underlined every instance of the word "chuckled" or the phrase "eyes flickered over to..." (Eyes do not flicker over to someone, they flit, and even that phrase is trite.) People "shrug" their coats on and off. And the repetition was exhausting: repetition of plot, repetition of their protestations of love, repetition of words like glorious, angelic, perfect, marbled, glared, fierce, and grimaced. Last but certainly not least: I'm a writer who actually likes judiciously-used adverbs, but there were way too many here.
There are instances of telling, not showing: "I could feel the hurt and shock on my face." "I tried to be courageous." "The rage in his voice was directed internally." And there are awkward constructs that distracted me: "I could almost hear his eyes rolling." "The silver (cell) phone resting on Alice's bag seemed to grow bigger as the hours passed." "A fresh wave of serenity filled the car." And descriptive cliches, "The sun was a setting orb."
Finally, the author completely ignored traditional vampire folklore (and invented one new rule, the particularly unfortunate glittering skin). I, for one, needed some of the old traditions to give the story a timeless feel, and to make it seem like she had done her research. In fact, in the acknowledgements she doesn't mention research other than to thank her brothers for helping her with "the automotive details." Yet the details regarding cars are simple: Billy Black says he needs a master cylinder for the VW rabbit he's rebuilding; the jeep off-road vehicle has harness seat belts; the BMW can go over 100 miles per hour; and Charlie pulls some unnamed wires to disable the truck. Meanwhile, there's 90 years of history we could learn through Edward's eyes, 300 years of history we could learn from Carlisle, there's a hospital scene with medical mistakes and anachronisms, and all that vampire lore I wanted to hear about. I would especially have appreciated some sort of philosophical discussion on the morality of choosing to become a vampire, and the implications of eternal life. But neither Bella nor Edward was equipped for it. (hide spoiler)]
(less)
40 likes · like · see review
Yvenarde
I understand your side of the argument of disliking the book, but don't you think she made some of those mistakes to help younger readers understand w...more
I understand your side of the argument of disliking the book, but don't you think she made some of those mistakes to help younger readers understand what she was trying to say? (less)
Sep 24, 2008 04:10pm
Sep 24, 2008 04:10pm
Tessie
Recommends it for: teenage girls who like the Jonas Brothers
So true!
Great review!
Mar 04, 2009 04:01pm
So true!
Great review!
Mar 04, 2009 04:01pm
Levina C.
Erm...what's with that apple on the cover anyway? Do vampires like apples?
Dec 10, 2009 03:51pm
Dec 10, 2009 03:51pm
Feb 25, 2009
Julie (Mom2lnb)
rated it
5 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Fans of PN Romance or Sweet Romances
Reviewed for THC Reviews
I have to admit that I haven't read a great deal of young adult literature during my adult life, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect from Twilight. There was also a great deal of hype surrounding this book, which can sometimes mean a really great book and other times can be a big letdown. Now that I have finally read Twilight, I have to say that it definitely lived up to the hype for me. I absolutely loved this tale of teen love between a human and a vampire. With this...more Reviewed for THC Reviews
I have to admit that I haven't read a great deal of young adult literature during my adult life, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect from Twilight. There was also a great deal of hype surrounding this book, which can sometimes mean a really great book and other times can be a big letdown. Now that I have finally read Twilight, I have to say that it definitely lived up to the hype for me. I absolutely loved this tale of teen love between a human and a vampire. With this type of subject matter the story could have been completely campy, but instead was very beautiful, in my opinion, with enough romance and substance to rival the best adult romance novels. In fact, I thought that Twilight exhibited a surprising depth of emotion, intimacy and even sensuality without ever resorting to anything explicit. I think the intimacy was owing in large part to the amazing level of communication between Bella and Edward. These two teen protagonists affected more stark honesty in their communication than many adult characters in romance novels, rarely holding anything back from each other. Edward was even forthcoming about who and what he was far sooner than I ever expected him to be. The sensuality was conveyed through simple things like smiles, kisses and touches and most importantly their beautiful dialog. Of course much of this was possible because, neither Edward nor Bella, were really “normal” teenagers. I'm sure I wouldn't have enjoyed the book nearly as much as I did if the main teen characters had behaved in what has seemed to become the “typical” teen manner of extreme cattiness, rebellion, and out-of-control hormones. Instead, the story became a refreshing take on teen behavior, and a gentle reminder that not all teens do behave in the “typical” way.
I honestly can't think of a single thing that's not to like about the two main characters, Edward and Bella. Edward is a kind, sensitive and loving beta hero with a dash of alpha protectiveness (he probably wouldn't be a very good vampire without that). He wages a constant battle in his own mind between the knowledge that Bella is perfect for him and the knowledge that being near him will only increase the risks for his adorable but accident-prone danger-magnet. Edward is frequently reminding Bella of the risk he himself poses to her very life, and yet he always behaves as a perfect gentleman, even in the most difficult circumstances. I also love the gentle way that Edward teases Bella, and sometimes she gives back in kind. I enjoyed this banter and thought that it gave a lightly humorous dimension to the story. In addition to having a good sense of humor, Bella was also very intelligent, shy and a bit socially awkward, and endearingly clumsy, making her entirely relatable to me. Bella considered herself to be a very plain, ordinary girl, but Edward thought her to be completely beautiful. Having played the role of parent in her relationship with both of her parents, one could say that Bella had not had the most ideal upbringing, but it did not stop her from being the best person she could be or loving her parents dearly. I think Bella's best trait though, was her intuitive nature about Edward and things in general. I love it when the heroine in romance novels can simply sense things about the hero and read into that accordingly. Bella did have one moment where I would predict that many adult readers would consider her TSTL (too-stupid-to-live), but I was able to forgive that lapse because of her youth and inexperience with such dangerous situations. Overall, both Edward and Bella were two engaging characters who sparkled (no pun intended, but you'll get it when you read the book) in nearly every scene that they shared. I greatly enjoyed reading them and thought that they complimented each other perfectly.
The secondary cast of characters was a wonderful dichotomous mix of both the human and the supernatural. There were Bella's high school friends, who were generally a mix of pretty good kids, the type I wouldn't mind my own kids being friends with or would have liked being friends with myself in my teen years. Edward's family was an eclectic mix of personalities. There was Emmet, the big, lovable lug of a teddy bear, mysterious and aloof Rosalie, Alice and Jasper with their amazing psychic and empathic gifts, and their “parents,” Carlisle (aka Dr. Cullen) and Esme who have their own fascinating back-stories. I also found the Native American father and son characters, Billy and Jacob Black to be intriguing. They seem to share some contentious history with the Cullens which isn't fully explored in this volume. It will be very interesting to see where this part of the story leads in future installments.
Twilight is a very sweet and innocent romance, which I mentioned earlier has no explicit elements. There is no sex, only a couple of mild profanities, and considering that the subject matter deals with vampires, the violence is kept to a minimum. In my opinion, this book is quite appropriate for the age group for which it is intended. I would have no problem at all with my children reading it when they are a bit older. In fact, I felt as I read the book that it sends some positive family and relationship messages to teens. Even though Bella's relationship with her parents is less than ideal, there is still love and respect between them, and Edward seems to have very loving “family” connections as well. What I liked most though, is the development of Edward and Bella's romance. Their physiological attraction to each other is immediate and powerful, yet they take the time to build a friendship that is based on mutual trust, respect and love, which is more than can be said for many adults. Edward and Bella only discuss sex one time over the course of the novel and in very subtle terms, but in my opinion, Edward's blood lust could be taken as something of a metaphor for sexual desire. Whether taken in the metaphorical or mythological context, I thought that Edward's self-control contained a beautiful message of his pure love for Bella superseding all other desires.
I found Twilight to be a thoroughly enjoyable read which has earned a place on my keeper shelf. The first two-thirds of the book moves at a rather languid but steady pace owing to the extensive character and relationship development. After that, it almost instantly turns into a taut suspense/thriller when Bella's life is threatened. This is one of those books that was very difficult to put down. I just couldn't wait to see what might happen next or what new piece of the puzzle might be revealed, and Ms. Meyer also did not disappoint with her own unique take on vampire mythology. Even though the book is written entirely in first-person from Bella's perspective, I thought the author did a good job of conveying Edward's thoughts and feelings too, through extensive use of dialog. As an aside, I really liked the small-town atmosphere of Forks, but as a Phoenician, I couldn't help but have a soft spot for the scenes in Phoenix. As such, I can attest to all the place names being real and the descriptions of the city to be spot on, which isn't surprising since Ms. Meyer is a Phoenician as well. It was rather surreal but also pretty cool to read scenes that are set in places that I have actually been. Twilight is the first volume in the Twilight Saga followed by New Moon , Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn . Ms. Meyer is also planning a re-write of Twilight from Edward's perspective titled Midnight Sun. I am really looking forward to continuing this fascinating series, and even though I am often disappointed with movie versions of my favorite novels, I am truly looking forward to the the Twilight movie which is due to be released in theaters this December.(less)
I have to admit that I haven't read a great deal of young adult literature during my adult life, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect from Twilight. There was also a great deal of hype surrounding this book, which can sometimes mean a really great book and other times can be a big letdown. Now that I have finally read Twilight, I have to say that it definitely lived up to the hype for me. I absolutely loved this tale of teen love between a human and a vampire. With this...more Reviewed for THC Reviews
I have to admit that I haven't read a great deal of young adult literature during my adult life, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect from Twilight. There was also a great deal of hype surrounding this book, which can sometimes mean a really great book and other times can be a big letdown. Now that I have finally read Twilight, I have to say that it definitely lived up to the hype for me. I absolutely loved this tale of teen love between a human and a vampire. With this type of subject matter the story could have been completely campy, but instead was very beautiful, in my opinion, with enough romance and substance to rival the best adult romance novels. In fact, I thought that Twilight exhibited a surprising depth of emotion, intimacy and even sensuality without ever resorting to anything explicit. I think the intimacy was owing in large part to the amazing level of communication between Bella and Edward. These two teen protagonists affected more stark honesty in their communication than many adult characters in romance novels, rarely holding anything back from each other. Edward was even forthcoming about who and what he was far sooner than I ever expected him to be. The sensuality was conveyed through simple things like smiles, kisses and touches and most importantly their beautiful dialog. Of course much of this was possible because, neither Edward nor Bella, were really “normal” teenagers. I'm sure I wouldn't have enjoyed the book nearly as much as I did if the main teen characters had behaved in what has seemed to become the “typical” teen manner of extreme cattiness, rebellion, and out-of-control hormones. Instead, the story became a refreshing take on teen behavior, and a gentle reminder that not all teens do behave in the “typical” way.
I honestly can't think of a single thing that's not to like about the two main characters, Edward and Bella. Edward is a kind, sensitive and loving beta hero with a dash of alpha protectiveness (he probably wouldn't be a very good vampire without that). He wages a constant battle in his own mind between the knowledge that Bella is perfect for him and the knowledge that being near him will only increase the risks for his adorable but accident-prone danger-magnet. Edward is frequently reminding Bella of the risk he himself poses to her very life, and yet he always behaves as a perfect gentleman, even in the most difficult circumstances. I also love the gentle way that Edward teases Bella, and sometimes she gives back in kind. I enjoyed this banter and thought that it gave a lightly humorous dimension to the story. In addition to having a good sense of humor, Bella was also very intelligent, shy and a bit socially awkward, and endearingly clumsy, making her entirely relatable to me. Bella considered herself to be a very plain, ordinary girl, but Edward thought her to be completely beautiful. Having played the role of parent in her relationship with both of her parents, one could say that Bella had not had the most ideal upbringing, but it did not stop her from being the best person she could be or loving her parents dearly. I think Bella's best trait though, was her intuitive nature about Edward and things in general. I love it when the heroine in romance novels can simply sense things about the hero and read into that accordingly. Bella did have one moment where I would predict that many adult readers would consider her TSTL (too-stupid-to-live), but I was able to forgive that lapse because of her youth and inexperience with such dangerous situations. Overall, both Edward and Bella were two engaging characters who sparkled (no pun intended, but you'll get it when you read the book) in nearly every scene that they shared. I greatly enjoyed reading them and thought that they complimented each other perfectly.
The secondary cast of characters was a wonderful dichotomous mix of both the human and the supernatural. There were Bella's high school friends, who were generally a mix of pretty good kids, the type I wouldn't mind my own kids being friends with or would have liked being friends with myself in my teen years. Edward's family was an eclectic mix of personalities. There was Emmet, the big, lovable lug of a teddy bear, mysterious and aloof Rosalie, Alice and Jasper with their amazing psychic and empathic gifts, and their “parents,” Carlisle (aka Dr. Cullen) and Esme who have their own fascinating back-stories. I also found the Native American father and son characters, Billy and Jacob Black to be intriguing. They seem to share some contentious history with the Cullens which isn't fully explored in this volume. It will be very interesting to see where this part of the story leads in future installments.
Twilight is a very sweet and innocent romance, which I mentioned earlier has no explicit elements. There is no sex, only a couple of mild profanities, and considering that the subject matter deals with vampires, the violence is kept to a minimum. In my opinion, this book is quite appropriate for the age group for which it is intended. I would have no problem at all with my children reading it when they are a bit older. In fact, I felt as I read the book that it sends some positive family and relationship messages to teens. Even though Bella's relationship with her parents is less than ideal, there is still love and respect between them, and Edward seems to have very loving “family” connections as well. What I liked most though, is the development of Edward and Bella's romance. Their physiological attraction to each other is immediate and powerful, yet they take the time to build a friendship that is based on mutual trust, respect and love, which is more than can be said for many adults. Edward and Bella only discuss sex one time over the course of the novel and in very subtle terms, but in my opinion, Edward's blood lust could be taken as something of a metaphor for sexual desire. Whether taken in the metaphorical or mythological context, I thought that Edward's self-control contained a beautiful message of his pure love for Bella superseding all other desires.
I found Twilight to be a thoroughly enjoyable read which has earned a place on my keeper shelf. The first two-thirds of the book moves at a rather languid but steady pace owing to the extensive character and relationship development. After that, it almost instantly turns into a taut suspense/thriller when Bella's life is threatened. This is one of those books that was very difficult to put down. I just couldn't wait to see what might happen next or what new piece of the puzzle might be revealed, and Ms. Meyer also did not disappoint with her own unique take on vampire mythology. Even though the book is written entirely in first-person from Bella's perspective, I thought the author did a good job of conveying Edward's thoughts and feelings too, through extensive use of dialog. As an aside, I really liked the small-town atmosphere of Forks, but as a Phoenician, I couldn't help but have a soft spot for the scenes in Phoenix. As such, I can attest to all the place names being real and the descriptions of the city to be spot on, which isn't surprising since Ms. Meyer is a Phoenician as well. It was rather surreal but also pretty cool to read scenes that are set in places that I have actually been. Twilight is the first volume in the Twilight Saga followed by New Moon , Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn . Ms. Meyer is also planning a re-write of Twilight from Edward's perspective titled Midnight Sun. I am really looking forward to continuing this fascinating series, and even though I am often disappointed with movie versions of my favorite novels, I am truly looking forward to the the Twilight movie which is due to be released in theaters this December.(less)
102 likes · like · see review
Dorothy
Well each to their own I suppose! I appreciate that you were able to give good reasons to support your rating anyway.
Apr 13, 2013 05:14am
Apr 13, 2013 05:14am
Julie (Mom2lnb)
Thank you for respecting my opinion, Dorothy. Giving a good explanation for why I rated a book a certain way is something I always endeavor to do when...more
Thank you for respecting my opinion, Dorothy. Giving a good explanation for why I rated a book a certain way is something I always endeavor to do when writing my reviews, so I'm very glad to know that I succeeded in that.(less)
Apr 13, 2013 01:15pm
Apr 13, 2013 01:15pm
We're going to try this, and we're going to try to be open-minded about it. We're going to try not to gawk terribly at some of the sentences that have rumpled our eyebrows so far. We're going to just forget that on p 12 the modern teenage narrator is said to have donned her jacket. We're going to just read the book, that's all.
--(Later)--
--OK here's my review. --
If you come to this book looking for things to like, you will find things to like. Star-cross'd lovers, vampires, the universal awkwar...more We're going to try this, and we're going to try to be open-minded about it. We're going to try not to gawk terribly at some of the sentences that have rumpled our eyebrows so far. We're going to just forget that on p 12 the modern teenage narrator is said to have donned her jacket. We're going to just read the book, that's all.
--(Later)--
--OK here's my review. --
If you come to this book looking for things to like, you will find things to like. Star-cross'd lovers, vampires, the universal awkwardness of high school: hay has been previously made from these topics, and that isn't likely to change in the future. In Twilight, I thought the new-kid-at-school stuff was handled well, and some of the back-and-forth of teenagers sussing each other out was great. The author also has a very dry sense of humor which popped up, but too seldom.
If, on the other hand, you come to this book looking for things to hate, you will find things to hate. The author makes a habit of using phrases that yank the reader out of character and out of world, and there are a number of instances where the information the reader is given contradicts or ignores what the author previously told us. This doesn't make Twilight a bad book, but it makes it a bit amateurish. The book felt like a NaNoWriMo project that was delivered to Barnes & Noble on December 1st. And if that sounds like sour grapes, it is.
My main problem with the book was that language and behavior the author uses to characterize the relationship between Edward and Bella is the language and behavior of abuse. He's kind to her one minute, cruel the next. When he's mean to her, he blames his behavior on her, and she accepts the fault as her own. He stalks her, eavesdropping on her conversations and watching her while she sleeps every night. He gets angry and jealous, even threatening, whenever she speaks to any other boy, and she must keep reminding him that he's the only one she cares about. He slowly takes control over her life, convincing her to not drive anymore (for her own safety), deciding when and how her father should learn about him and meet him, and stating that he doesn't want her to be away from his side, ever. Yes, he's a vampire, and we can explain some of this away within the context of the story. But I wonder what it's like for someone who's ever filed a restraining order to read this book.
And I guess that's why my heart breaks for all the teenage girls who read this book and love it. If someone can make a feminist argument for Bella I'd love to hear it, but in my opinion she's a depressing excuse for a protagonist, filled with self-loathing and seemingly incapable of doing anything for herself. (Except cook!) Any girl who identifies with Bella (and there is plenty to identify with), or wishes she could be Bella, deserves to set her sights so much higher.
That said: I think adults have a tendency to overemphasize the effect any one particular piece of art can have on younger minds. When I was a teenager I owned the G N' R Lies album, and although the music appealed to me then, I managed to grow up into a person who recognizes the misogyny of "Used to Love Her" and the homophobia and xenophobia of "One in a Million." But I didn't become that way because adults told me I shouldn't listen to that album, and who knows how that would have turned out, if it'd become something I felt I needed to dig my heels in over.
There's something beyond value, something universally humanizing, in the act of getting lost in the world of a book or a movie or an album, especially when you're a teenager. If millions of people are experiencing that with Twilight, than I want them to have that. It's good for humans, it's good for books, and it's good for the universe. I'll just hope that later on they'll also give themselves to chance to get lost in the worlds of girls like Willow Rosenberg, Listen Taylor, Frankie Landau-Banks, and Tally Youngblood.(less)
--(Later)--
--OK here's my review. --
If you come to this book looking for things to like, you will find things to like. Star-cross'd lovers, vampires, the universal awkwar...more We're going to try this, and we're going to try to be open-minded about it. We're going to try not to gawk terribly at some of the sentences that have rumpled our eyebrows so far. We're going to just forget that on p 12 the modern teenage narrator is said to have donned her jacket. We're going to just read the book, that's all.
--(Later)--
--OK here's my review. --
If you come to this book looking for things to like, you will find things to like. Star-cross'd lovers, vampires, the universal awkwardness of high school: hay has been previously made from these topics, and that isn't likely to change in the future. In Twilight, I thought the new-kid-at-school stuff was handled well, and some of the back-and-forth of teenagers sussing each other out was great. The author also has a very dry sense of humor which popped up, but too seldom.
If, on the other hand, you come to this book looking for things to hate, you will find things to hate. The author makes a habit of using phrases that yank the reader out of character and out of world, and there are a number of instances where the information the reader is given contradicts or ignores what the author previously told us. This doesn't make Twilight a bad book, but it makes it a bit amateurish. The book felt like a NaNoWriMo project that was delivered to Barnes & Noble on December 1st. And if that sounds like sour grapes, it is.
My main problem with the book was that language and behavior the author uses to characterize the relationship between Edward and Bella is the language and behavior of abuse. He's kind to her one minute, cruel the next. When he's mean to her, he blames his behavior on her, and she accepts the fault as her own. He stalks her, eavesdropping on her conversations and watching her while she sleeps every night. He gets angry and jealous, even threatening, whenever she speaks to any other boy, and she must keep reminding him that he's the only one she cares about. He slowly takes control over her life, convincing her to not drive anymore (for her own safety), deciding when and how her father should learn about him and meet him, and stating that he doesn't want her to be away from his side, ever. Yes, he's a vampire, and we can explain some of this away within the context of the story. But I wonder what it's like for someone who's ever filed a restraining order to read this book.
And I guess that's why my heart breaks for all the teenage girls who read this book and love it. If someone can make a feminist argument for Bella I'd love to hear it, but in my opinion she's a depressing excuse for a protagonist, filled with self-loathing and seemingly incapable of doing anything for herself. (Except cook!) Any girl who identifies with Bella (and there is plenty to identify with), or wishes she could be Bella, deserves to set her sights so much higher.
That said: I think adults have a tendency to overemphasize the effect any one particular piece of art can have on younger minds. When I was a teenager I owned the G N' R Lies album, and although the music appealed to me then, I managed to grow up into a person who recognizes the misogyny of "Used to Love Her" and the homophobia and xenophobia of "One in a Million." But I didn't become that way because adults told me I shouldn't listen to that album, and who knows how that would have turned out, if it'd become something I felt I needed to dig my heels in over.
There's something beyond value, something universally humanizing, in the act of getting lost in the world of a book or a movie or an album, especially when you're a teenager. If millions of people are experiencing that with Twilight, than I want them to have that. It's good for humans, it's good for books, and it's good for the universe. I'll just hope that later on they'll also give themselves to chance to get lost in the worlds of girls like Willow Rosenberg, Listen Taylor, Frankie Landau-Banks, and Tally Youngblood.(less)
97 likes · like · see review
Free Fall
I've read a book about an abusive boyfriend - I think it was called something-light. Funny enough, it made me understand the appeal of significant oth...more
I've read a book about an abusive boyfriend - I think it was called something-light. Funny enough, it made me understand the appeal of significant others who hurt you, as girls tell themselves that he really is sorry (and in the book, he really was) and that he'll never do it again (but he does and it makes him horrified at his own actions).
I don't understand why Edward was so appealing. But I can understand how a young, impressionable teenage girl can get drawn into a cycle of abuse.
By the way, don't look down on cooking. If I had that ability, I'd be able to eat dinner for once instead of microwaving packaged "meals" or eating cereal without milk.(less)
Oct 20, 2010 11:48am
I don't understand why Edward was so appealing. But I can understand how a young, impressionable teenage girl can get drawn into a cycle of abuse.
By the way, don't look down on cooking. If I had that ability, I'd be able to eat dinner for once instead of microwaving packaged "meals" or eating cereal without milk.(less)
Oct 20, 2010 11:48am
Julia Samds
Edward is so controlling while Bella was such a pushover. I read somewhere twilight would violate a lot of abusive relationship rules. However your re...more
Edward is so controlling while Bella was such a pushover. I read somewhere twilight would violate a lot of abusive relationship rules. However your review was touching and put a book I would consider less important in a new light(less)
Mar 22, 2013 02:36pm
Mar 22, 2013 02:36pm
| topics | posts | views | last activity | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Well... | 15 | 53 | 1 hour, 12 min ago | |
| Am I the only one thinks Bella is a strong character?? | 202 | 617 | 1 hour, 28 min ago | |
| Word Game # 2 | 21251 | 3024 | 2 hours, 3 min ago | |
| What are your top favorite kisses of all time? List them here! | 45 | 166 | 2 hours, 41 min ago | |
| Anyone else wanted to punch Kristen Stewart in the face??? | 127 | 548 | 21 hours, 44 min ago | |
| what is the worst book you have ever read? | 302 | 991 | Jun 18, 2013 08:41am | |
| Review rave! | 4 | 28 | Jun 17, 2013 08:37pm |
[close]
Twilight (Twilight, #1)
1st Edition isbn: 0316160172
isbn13: 9780316160179
format: Hardcover
1st Edition isbn: 0316160172
isbn13: 9780316160179
format: Hardcover
I was born in Connecticut in 1973, during a brief blip in my family's otherwise western U.S. existence. We were settled in Phoenix by the time I was four, and I think of myself as a native. The unusual spelling of my name was a gift from my father, Stephen (+ ie = me). Though I have had my name spelled wrong on pretty much everything my entire life long, I must admit that it makes it easier to goo...more
I was born in Connecticut in 1973, during a brief blip in my family's otherwise western U.S. existence. We were settled in Phoenix by the time I was four, and I think of myself as a native. The unusual spelling of my name was a gift from my father, Stephen (+ ie = me). Though I have had my name spelled wrong on pretty much everything my entire life long, I must admit that it makes it easier to google myself now.
I filled the "Jan Brady" spot in my family-the second of three girls. Unlike the Brady's, none of my three brothers are steps, and all of them are younger than all the girls. I went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona, the kind of place where every fall a few girls would come back to school with new noses and there were Porsches in the student lot (for the record, I have my original nose, and never had a car until after I was in my twenties). I was awarded a National Merit Scholarship, and I used it to pay my way to Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah. I majored in English, but concentrated on literature rather than creative writing, mostly because I didn't consider reading books "work" (as long as I was going to be doing something anyway, I might as well get course credit for it, right?).
I met my husband, Pancho (his real name is Christiaan), when I was four, but we were never anywhere close to being childhood sweethearts. In fact, though we saw each other at least weekly through church activities, I can't recall a single instance when we so much as greeted each other with a friendly wave, let alone exchanged actual words. This may have been for the best, because when we did eventually get around to exchanging words, sixteen years after our first meeting, it only took nine months from the first "hello" to the wedding. Of course, we were able to skip over a lot of the getting to know you parts (many of our conversations would go something like this: "This one time, when I was ten, I broke my hand at a party when-" "Yeah, I know what happened. I was there, remember?") We've been married for ten and a half years now, and have three beautiful, brilliant, wonderful boys who often remind me chimpanzees on crack. I can't write without music, and my biggest muse is, ironically enough, the band Muse. My other favorite sources of inspiration are Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Coldplay, The All American Rejects, Travis, The Strokes, Brand New, U2, Kasabian, Jimmy Eat World, and Weezer, to mention a few.(less)
More about Stephenie Meyer...
I filled the "Jan Brady" spot in my family-the second of three girls. Unlike the Brady's, none of my three brothers are steps, and all of them are younger than all the girls. I went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona, the kind of place where every fall a few girls would come back to school with new noses and there were Porsches in the student lot (for the record, I have my original nose, and never had a car until after I was in my twenties). I was awarded a National Merit Scholarship, and I used it to pay my way to Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah. I majored in English, but concentrated on literature rather than creative writing, mostly because I didn't consider reading books "work" (as long as I was going to be doing something anyway, I might as well get course credit for it, right?).
I met my husband, Pancho (his real name is Christiaan), when I was four, but we were never anywhere close to being childhood sweethearts. In fact, though we saw each other at least weekly through church activities, I can't recall a single instance when we so much as greeted each other with a friendly wave, let alone exchanged actual words. This may have been for the best, because when we did eventually get around to exchanging words, sixteen years after our first meeting, it only took nine months from the first "hello" to the wedding. Of course, we were able to skip over a lot of the getting to know you parts (many of our conversations would go something like this: "This one time, when I was ten, I broke my hand at a party when-" "Yeah, I know what happened. I was there, remember?") We've been married for ten and a half years now, and have three beautiful, brilliant, wonderful boys who often remind me chimpanzees on crack. I can't write without music, and my biggest muse is, ironically enough, the band Muse. My other favorite sources of inspiration are Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Coldplay, The All American Rejects, Travis, The Strokes, Brand New, U2, Kasabian, Jimmy Eat World, and Weezer, to mention a few.(less)
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“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion.”
—
5,830 people liked it
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion.”
“I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars.”
—
3,977 people liked it
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May 27, 2013 02:00am
May 28, 2013 12:32am