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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill #1)

by Rick Gualtieri (Goodreads Author)

4.02 of 5 stars 4.02 · rating details · 335 ratings · 52 reviews

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.

However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking h...more

Kindle Edition, 292 pages

Published October 31st 2012 by Wayman Publishing (first published April 28th 2011)

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Contemporary Fantasy for Guys

36th out of 155 books — 45 voters

Authors Behaving Beautifully

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Oct 17, 2011 Georgeanna rated it 5 of 5 stars

Live, from New York!!, October 17, 2011
ByGeorgeanna

This review is from: Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) (Kindle Edition)
I pictured Bill to look like Dan Akroyd when he was on Saturday Night Live! and I've got to tell you, it totally worked!! I laughed my butt off at this book. It's a completely different take on a subject that's mostly been populated with angst-ridden, drama queen characters. Bill's a big dork and he has dorky friends. Their quips, put downs, and one liners are perfectly do...more

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Mar 21, 2013 Marty Essen rated it 5 of 5 stars

Bill the Vampire was an impulse purchase. I bought the book because the cover made me smile, and the price was cheaper than a Bloody Mary. How could I go wrong?

At first, Bill the Vampire made me chuckle but seemed more suitable for someone in their twenties than for someone like me who is a . . . . no longer in their twenties.

A few chapters in, I even considered dumping the book: “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll read until I laugh once more.” That took about a paragraph.

Another chapter or so in—and seve...more

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Aug 16, 2012 Tammy ~NovelOpinion rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 1st-in-series, favorites, review-request, uf

I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them.

Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even thou...more I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them.

Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even though life circumstances kept me from writing, I kept Rick's book in the forefront of my mind as the first review I would write when it was possible.

Bill is a geek, as you can surmise from the book cover and summary to follow. Awkward, self-deprecating, and goofy. I connected. I have a huge crush on geeks of all types. There is no truer and more exciting group of people you will ever encounter. They are heart-felt and honest in their pursuit of all things labeled geeky and i'm one of them.

Rick Gualtieri get's it and his portrayal of an unlikely vampire is dead on, (pun intended). Smart and goofy, Bill takes us on his journey through a dangerous world of supernatural killers but stands back with the rest of us as we see hilarious stereotypes, vampire posers and a trashy heroine who treats Bill like crap, leaves him for food then uses him for her own purposes. Tramp with a heart of gold?

As characters are so important to me, I focused on all of them and was rewarded with unique and entertaining personalities from the vampire leader, Night Razor to his steriod-raged cronies, I was thoroughly involved and turning pages like the wind.

Bill The Vampire contains the mind of a geeky dude, the heart, mostly, of a street-tough vamp chick and the ego of a wannabe Vampire Master. A hilarious string of events when all are combined and an unexpected conclusion that has you cheering and giggling.

Book Summary: There are reasons we fear the night.
He isn't one of them.

Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.

However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking hot. Bill never stood a chance. Before he knew what was happening Sally had lead him to his death, and that was only the beginning of his troubles.

Now Bill awakes to find himself an undead predator of the night. The only problem is he’s still at the bottom of the food chain.

He’s in way over his head, surrounded by creatures more dangerous, better looking, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst of all is the dreaded Night Razor, a master vampire who just can’t stand him. He gives Bill a 90 day deadline to either prove himself or meet a more permanent kind of death, and the deck is definitely stacked against him.

But Bill isn’t exactly average. A vampire like him hasn’t been seen in over five centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies to help him out, and an attitude problem that makes him just too damn obnoxious to quit. He may just pull it off... if he doesn't get his teeth kicked in first.

(less)

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Feb 06, 2012 Solace Winter rated it 5 of 5 stars

Think of a mix between MaryJanice Davidson and Christopher Moore. If those two let their vampire novels mate and have a babe it would likely be Bill the Vampire. With Davidson's quick wit and Moore's penchant for hilarity they might create something suitable for everyone; which in and of itself surprised the Hell out of me.

Bill the Vampire is the story about what happens when the geek becomes a vampire. Excellent thought process that never stops to take itself too seriously but is never so over-...more

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Nov 25, 2012 Glen rated it 2 of 5 stars

Even for someone like me who feels obligated to read almost everything vampire-related, this was a "meh" book. It excelled at snark and sarcasm, just as the many reviews claimed. However, I couldn't help noticing that despite the main character making references to all the clichés that weren't being followed, in the end the book just chose slightly different clichés and followed those instead. The main character and his roommates seemed kind of like caricatures of geeks that someone who was neve...more

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Apr 12, 2013 Vetle rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: horror

Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.

So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflatter...more Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.

So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflattering ones. If you've ever played Dungeons And Dragons, you'll probably recognize Bill as the jokester type that has a smart-ass riff on any and every situation you encounter, in fact, he probably has several, and he'll share the lot of them. We all love that guy, don't we? Anyway, the long and short of it is that Bill gets turned into a vampire and sort of by accident gets accepted into a vampire coven, and now he's on the bottom of the pecking order and the alpha-douchebag of the coven has it out for him. All is not lost, however, as it appears that Bill is a "Freewill," which is to say a vampire that cannot be mind-controlled. There are many rumors and myths about what a freewill can and can't do, so Bill ends up playing tough-guy to a commune full of people that could easily rip his spine out. Fun times.

I'll be frank, the whole "Freewill" thing had me slapping my head, mostly because it worked against what I got the impression the book would be about. Bill being a Super Special Vampire For Some Reason just strikes me as a really lame way of explaining why he isn't made into a Vampire Smoothie within the first 100 pages, and it also feels like a boring way to make the character stand out. Alternatively it's a sort of wish-fulfillment sort of thing, either way, it doesn't do it for me, and I really would have liked it better if Bill was just an average vampire, perhaps getting by on the fact that he is constantly underestimated. I also wouldn't mind the two exposition faucet-characters, Sally and James/Ozymandias, actually lying to Bill about this whole "Freewill" thing, either to fuck with him or to use him as a convenient and easy disposable "chosen one." Of course (view spoiler) There's always that.

The books is pretty funny at times, admittedly it seems to rely pretty heavily on the readers being nerds as well, since a lot of the humor is referential. It manages to be somewhat charming, in a way, but some of the biggest jokes fall flat. Like how Bill has this thing where he describes a twist, and then goes "psych, that didn't happen" in the following paragraph. It's mostly annoying because it happens a grand total of twice, which is kind of an awkward number for a joke to appear in a story, since it's a couple of repetitions short of becoming a running thing, and is past the point where it being an one-off is an option. Also, there's a bit where Bill assumes Sally, his de-facto vitriolic guide and probably future love interest, was a stripper before becoming a vampire, and she rebukes him, telling him how hard she worked to gain her PhD, Bill gets all flustered, but it all turns out to be a joke, she totes was a stripper. Oh you.

This kinda leads into my next complaint about the book, that Bill is kind of teetering on the edge of being a bad person. I was hoping for the aforementioned joke to not be a joke, or at least be a joke on Bill, but no dice. Bill gets called out for being a maladjusted goon fairly often, primarily by Sally, but it never seems to stick in any meaningful way, it's just Jerks saying Jerk Things. It's sort of that "mask of feigned nonchalance" that David Wong described in the geeky zombie-hunters from This Book Is Full of Spiders, but applied to a whole narrative in such a thick layer that there's no getting past it. Maybe he'll get better in future books, but I wouldn't count on it. Also, his tendency to call Sally a bitch every single time she does anything is also pretty annoying. I'm thinking it's supposed to be turning into a running joke, or at least some sort of affectionate thing, but what I kept thinking alternated between "You know there's this thing called synonyms, right?" and "sexism, lovely."

I feel like I'm a little too harsh on the book. Sure, I think the above points are valid, but I did find myself enjoying reading Bill The Vampire despite them, at least to the degree where time sort of flew by when I read, and the last third of the book or so led up to a pretty cool climax all things considered. Granted, it was an enjoyment fraught with minor niggling annoyances, but being annoyed can also be fun. The book does also have some genuinely funny ideas, like how Troy apparently was a vampire city, and the reason Achilles was so badass was because he had so much faith in himself the vamps literally couldn't touch that. Then there's the Optimus Prime ~~doll~~ action figure and how important it ended up being to the plot, that was also worth a chuckle or two. All in all, Bill The Vampire wasn't a bad purchase, but I'm somewhat doubtful if I'll read the next book in the series.(less)

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Dec 14, 2012 Diana rated it 3 of 5 stars

Where to start? Unlike most everyone else, I didn't find this novel particularly humorous. That's not to say that I didn't see the potential for humor nor can I say that I fail to see why others found it humorous. For me, however, it failed to be anything more than light fare. In all fairness, I did chuckle once or twice, but overall, it just didn't cut the mustard in the humor department.

I was interested in the idea of a nerdy vampire, a non-glamorous member of the undead. The story itself is...more Where to start? Unlike most everyone else, I didn't find this novel particularly humorous. That's not to say that I didn't see the potential for humor nor can I say that I fail to see why others found it humorous. For me, however, it failed to be anything more than light fare. In all fairness, I did chuckle once or twice, but overall, it just didn't cut the mustard in the humor department.

I was interested in the idea of a nerdy vampire, a non-glamorous member of the undead. The story itself is based on a fun premise. Perhaps I expected too much from it. Or maybe I was set up at the beginning of the novel to guard myself against the humor. I found the author's introduction to be a little too self-congratulatory in regards to his ability to crack a joke.

The book is a bit of a mish-mash. The first several chapters of this book were just painful. The author wanted to make sure you really understood what a nerd Bill was. And not just a nerd but a tool. A sexually repressed, nerdly tool. And he pounded you over the head with this information. It was tempting to stop reading but I thought, "This book was given good reviews both here on Goodreads and on Amazon, so maybe it'll get better."

So keep reading I did. And yes, the story did get better, although the humor never really came to fruition. The writing became a bit tighter, a bit smoother, less awkward. Some of the dialog, though, was overkill. I wouldn't have imagined it but there really is such a thing as too much dialog. There were times I wanted to tell the characters to just shut up and get moving. I got tired of Sally's eyerolls and Bill's constantly calling her a "bitch", even if it was just in his head. By the time he called her a bitch for the 3rd time, I was thinking to myself, "Okay, we get it! He thinks she's a bitch. Let's move on!" (Just in case you need to know and the 30 times he calls her a bitch is not enough clarification for you, Bill thinks Sally's a bitch. Yeah, like that.)

The story suffers some from forced humor, the dialog is frequently too long or too awkward, and the characterizations a bit too ... expected. Yet just over halfway through the book, the writing becomes better, hence the three stars, since half stars are not possible. This book feels like a rough draft, one that could use quite a bit of refining. I hope the author takes it on himself to do just that, because this could be a diamond, if he'd take some time to do some polishing. (less)

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Jul 07, 2012 Robert Kristoffersen rated it 5 of 5 stars

In a world that is heavily over-saturated with vampire fiction along comes Rick Gualtieri and 'Bill the Vampire' to change the scope of things for the better. From the cover, it's clear that Bill isn't your average vampire, he's just average and then turned into a vampire. In that way he is highly unique; you don't get the usual vampire image of hotter than hell, powerful as shit, or completely intelligent to the way vampires work. Part of the fun is the learning process, in becoming a vampire i...more

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May 05, 2013 J.L. Whitehead rated it 4 of 5 stars

Honestly, I was surprised with how much I enjoyed Rick Gualtieri’s Bill the Vampire. Admittedly, I didn’t know what to expect since this was a genre that I wasn’t familiar with. The first few pages were a bit slow. It didn’t grab me the way that some author’s works should, but once the story began, I was hooked.

Gualtieri managed to breathe fresh life into a genre that has been overdone many times over. Telling the story of a nerd who became a vampire and had extraordinary powers was genius. Tell...more

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Apr 07, 2013 Beth rated it 4 of 5 stars

My husband actually read this to me in the evenings. I went into it..with little expectation. However..this is one of the wittiest..funniest books I've ever heard. My husband IS Bill! Lol when he reads it..I crack up laughing. I have him do Sally sunsets voice and I just giggle. What a great book. I really hope they make this a movie..and do it justice of course. I relate to the dork aspect..his friends are like our friends.. "optimus prime" lol too funny. So original..so not what I was expectin...more

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Aug 26, 2012 Cheryl M-M rated it 4 of 5 stars

In the well written and very honest yet slightly rambunctious intro to this book, the author tells you exactly what this book isn't.
It isn't your usual handsome vampire makes all females swoon type of book. Instead the reader gets a glimpse of what happens when a shy awkward geeky guy becomes a so called creature of the night.
The humour is quirky and dry, but it didn't run smoothly throughout the book. It was more of an up and down wave of comedic scenes. The witty parts made me chuckle out loud...more

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Nov 24, 2012 Elspeth rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: twenty-twelve, kindle, own, witty-banter

This is a perfect book to read when you have a book hangover, or the last book you read was so terrible you need a brain scrub.
It was full of witty banter garnished with sarcasm, a lot of it pointed at vampire cliches.

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Oct 14, 2012 Kathy rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was a bloody, horrifying, and funny vampire read. Bill's a full on Geek who manages to survive getting turned into a vampire only to find out he's bit different from the rest of them. I have to say that while I'm not really into vampire books these days I do enjoy the "geeky" versions that I've ran accross recently such as Hard Day's Knight - these books are more about the story than sexy vampire makes good like so many other books in the genre which makes them, for me, a breath of fresh ai...more

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Jan 06, 2013 Jen rated it 4 of 5 stars

"*Thud,thud* There it is again! For f**ks sake! Some days I hate living here. There's always some white-bread little teenaged douche pumping out Tupac from his daddy's Beemer because he's sure he can relate to life on the streets."

It's a lot of cracking wise when a video game programmer gets turned into a vampire. Fun characters and funny read...from Bill's very accepting roommates to the Optimus Prime action figure that works better than a cross. I found myself giggling and snorting a lot. This...more

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Dec 16, 2012 Laura rated it 4 of 5 stars

This very funny book imagines what it would be like if an ordinary, nerdy guy became a vampire. No sparkles, no extra sex appeal, just a vampire. I loved how his friends continued to have his back and help him out. I enjoyed the snarky tone the narrator (Bill) has. I could totally see this as a movie -- hope someone with those kind of connections can make that happen someday.

If you avoided this thinking it's part of the whole hunky vampire thing, not to worry. Bill is an Everyman who makes his t...more

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Aug 29, 2011 Brandie Lagarde rated it 4 of 5 stars

I was asked to review this book via BookRoosters and I was a little hesitant to accept the task but I decided to try something new and I though the book was very funny and loved how Bill was an underaverage guy and remained that way once being immortal, loved the way his friends stuck by his side, and found myself laughing out loud at some of Bill's wisecracks. I was put off by the bad language, but really enjoyed the spoof of vamps and will try to overlook it when I read the follow up book...ev...more

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Dec 14, 2012 Robot rated it 1 of 5 stars

If you are a jackass and want to read about pussy-this and pussy-that, go ahead and read this. If misogyny isn't what you want to read about, don't read this. It's as simple as that. The description of this book, and cover, makes it seem like you'll be reading about some dorky vampire, but that isn't the case at all. Bill is revolting.

And if that's not bad enough, after preaching every other sentence about how a woman is not important or worthy if she's ugly, well, he then goes on to justify scr...more

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Oct 15, 2012 Andrew Carlson rated it 5 of 5 stars

I don't do Vampire books, but after reading a review by Tammy~NovelOpinion, I gave it a shot. And I'm very glad I did.

Bill The Vampire was engaging and hilarious. I laughed out loud several times! The premise of the plot was unique and fresh (I'm not gonna spoil it). Any preconceptions you may have about vampires or vampire culture will be tossed out the window. The story moved at an ideal pace. It didn't jump ahead or zig-zag about, but kept right on moving. The dialogue and protagonist's narra...more

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Dec 03, 2012 Scott rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: urban-fantasy

I VERY much enjoyed this book. It's not going to win any pullitzer's but as a fun fairly well thought out (scenes all work, logic is coherent, etc). Yes, the premise is a bit "really? he's a SPECIAL vampire"? but I think the author handles it really well and it works with the great cast of characters. Anyone who has EVER flavored themselves as a geek and likes a little fangs and blood with their books should give this a try.

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Apr 21, 2013 Jan rated it 5 of 5 stars

Absolutely hilarious! Tongue-in-cheek take on all of the recent, serious v-pire overload. The dualities alone is fabulous colloquial banter and the things poor nerdy Bill gets himself into - and out of just kept me glued to this book. Can't wait to read more of this author's work! Oh and you have.to read "About the Author" as well - more humor where it's not expected.

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May 10, 2012 Amy_Read to My Heart's Content rated it 3 of 5 stars

Bill is not your typical drop dead gorgeous vampire...he is just dead. But he is funny, very smart, and super geeky. Which for us makes for a very funny story about a newly turned vampire bumbling around trying to get the hang of being undead.

For the full review: www.readtomyhearts.blogspot.com

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Mar 31, 2012 E.C. Stilson rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book was so refreshing. I've read many vampire books, but this has to be--by far--my favorite. The main character tells it how it is. If you like to laugh and read cutting-edge story lines, then give this book a try. You won't be sorry.

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Jun 13, 2012 Phil Kewley rated it 3 of 5 stars

I am not sure about this one, I didn't really get much of the story or plot, or characters - and Bill didn't come across as I imagined him to. The book just didn't fire me up which is a shame because I really wanted it to, the idea of a nerdy, uncool vamp is a tale worth telling with potential, maybe I'll read the next in the series.

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Aug 20, 2011 Rachel rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is so funny! I loved how it spoofed vampires instead of taking it so seriously. Sometimes it's nice to poke some fun at the genres we all love. I found myself laughing out loud a lot during this book.

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Mar 25, 2013 Tony Valente rated it 4 of 5 stars

I come of my college roommates or I became a vampire, this is how we'd handle it! Loved this book, funny, entertaining, and it's how vampire books should be! Make this into a movie and I will be there in a heartbeat!

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Feb 13, 2013 Michael Leffel rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: urban-fantasy

you think you had a bad day, poor Bill, a nerdy computer programmer, meets a hotty and thinks its his lucky day. Nope its bring a geek to the Vampire Coven party......

An extremely funny read.

Check it out!

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May 19, 2013 JoAnn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Vampire Bill is a nice twist on the genre,with plenty of humor. Smart aleck Bill get gets turned and has to use his brains rather than brawn to escape more than a few tricky situations. This is just a fun read.

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Jan 31, 2013 Kitty rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is just funny. Not deep. Not brain food. Bill is a jerk. Bill made me laugh and stay up past my bedtime because I didn't want to put the book down.

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Nov 30, 2012 The Holy Terror marked it as wishlist

Shelves: vampires, ebook, horror, humor, color-green, color-yellow, color-red, color-white, urban-fantasy, male-author, male-protagonist

Added this because the author made a comment about spammers getting beaten to death by forum posters with claw hammers and it made me lol.

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Apr 30, 2013 Frances Baker rated it 5 of 5 stars

Such foul mouthed fantastic nerd humor and I loved it. I laughed so freaking hard. Can't wait to start the second book in the series!

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About Rick Gualtieri

In the latter part of the 20th century, Rick Gualtieri was born. The world as a collective said 'meh' and thus he began his journey through a life filled with all sorts of quirks and oddness. What better thing to do than write about it? Rick Gualtieri is the author of:

Bill The Vampire
Scary Dead Things
The Mourning Woods
Holier Than Thou
Bigfoot Hunters
The Poptart Manifesto

Rick currently lives in NJ,...more

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Books by Rick Gualtieri

Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, #2)

The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, #3)

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Quotes from Bill The Vampire

“I'm surprised you're not freaking."
"I don't freak'" he said bluntly.
"You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier."
"You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.” — 4 people liked it

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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill #1)

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