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Bill the Vampire (The Tome of Bill, #1)
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Bill the Vampire (The Tome of Bill #1)

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3.84  ·  Rating Details ·  3,989 Ratings  ·  318 Reviews
There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.

However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking h
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Kindle Edition, 292 pages
Published October 31st 2012 by Wayman Publishing (first published March 3rd 2011)
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Zachery He literally never gets any character development. That teaser in the first book, with him thinking about taking martial arts classes? Dropped and…moreHe literally never gets any character development. That teaser in the first book, with him thinking about taking martial arts classes? Dropped and never heard from again.

He stays a weak, pervy, loser for the rest of the series, incapable of pretty much anything (pathetic in a fight, his life controlled by other people), only getting through the books via deus ex machina's.

With the amount he gets beat up (and shit on by his blackmailing female coworker), you'd think he'd get better simply via experience, or have enough motivation to change.

Nope. Pass--the books only get worse from here.(less)

Community Reviews

(showing 1-30)
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JK
Dec 14, 2012 JK rated it did not like it
Shelves: dropped
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Mr. Matt
Oct 22, 2014 Mr. Matt rated it really liked it
Bill The Vampire is Dinner for Schmucks meets True Blood. Bill Ryder is a nice, quiet guy. He keeps to himself. By day he is a programmer in a NYC game company. By night he plays online games and the occasional session of Dungeons & Dragons. He's a bit socially awkward and a few pounds overweight. So when the beautiful, vivacious super-model-type starts chatting him up on the subway he thinks that he has won the lottery. Sally invites him to a party. It seems to good to be true. It was.

The p
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Thomas Strömquist
May 24, 2016 Thomas Strömquist rated it it was ok
Shelves: ebook-collection
This was readable, but way too long. Revenge of the Nerds meets Return of the Living Dead (the author suggested other horror/comedies, but I don't agree. Besides, I like RotLD).

College/nerd humor complete with all the homophobia and sex obsession and quite an awful ending. Despite some Seinfeld-humor type grunts (rather than laughs) and a few pop culture reference hits (that I liked), consider my rating a rounded-up one...
Elspeth
Nov 24, 2012 Elspeth rated it liked it
Shelves: kindle
This is a perfect book to read when you have a book hangover, or the last book you read was so terrible you need a brain scrub.
It was full of witty banter garnished with sarcasm, a lot of it pointed at vampire cliches.

Tammy
Aug 16, 2012 Tammy rated it it was amazing
I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them.

Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even thou
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Jill
Jul 04, 2014 Jill rated it it was ok
It was an interesting story and well written, but I had a hard time with wanting to cheer for the protagonist. All the characters seemed to be similar, sure there were minute differences, but all the men were a-holes, the "bad guys" were jock a-holes while the "good guys" were nerd a-holes. All the women were stuck up with superiority complexes and willing to sell out anyone else at the drop of a hat. The good guys spent a lot of time thinking about how they were better than the bad guys, but al ...more
Steve
DNF @ 7% with zero stars given

Authors! Take heed!

Non-stop vulgar/crude/offensive language DOES NOT equal humor!
Georgeanna
Oct 17, 2011 Georgeanna rated it it was amazing
Live, from New York!!, October 17, 2011
By Georgeanna


This review is from: Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) (Kindle Edition)
I pictured Bill to look like Dan Akroyd when he was on Saturday Night Live! and I've got to tell you, it totally worked!! I laughed my butt off at this book. It's a completely different take on a subject that's mostly been populated with angst-ridden, drama queen characters. Bill's a big dork and he has dorky friends. Their quips, put downs, and one liners are perfectly d
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Vetle
Apr 05, 2013 Vetle rated it it was ok
Shelves: horror
Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.

So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflatter
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Solace Winter
Feb 03, 2012 Solace Winter rated it it was amazing
Think of a mix between MaryJanice Davidson and Christopher Moore. If those two let their vampire novels mate and have a babe it would likely be Bill the Vampire. With Davidson's quick wit and Moore's penchant for hilarity they might create something suitable for everyone; which in and of itself surprised the Hell out of me.

Bill the Vampire is the story about what happens when the geek becomes a vampire. Excellent thought process that never stops to take itself too seriously but is never so over-
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Heather K (dentist in my spare time)


*3.5 stars*

Pure fun.

This book is unlike any other that I've read. It is funny if you are into kind of geeky, self-deprecating, sophomoric humor (raises hand). It is a vampire book that mocks vampire books (LOVE) and it takes place practically in my backyard (Bill is from a neighboring town!!).

Heavy on substance this is not, but it was a hilarious way to spend my afternoon. The audiobook had a spot-on narration (even if all of the characters sounded the same) and I found myself snorting out loud
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D5745
Apr 14, 2013 D5745 rated it did not like it
Shelves: discarded
Couldn't finish this book. The main character is a disgusting jerk.
I got to 40% and then I was done.
Glen
Nov 25, 2012 Glen rated it it was ok
Even for someone like me who feels obligated to read almost everything vampire-related, this was a "meh" book. It excelled at snark and sarcasm, just as the many reviews claimed. However, I couldn't help noticing that despite the main character making references to all the clichés that weren't being followed, in the end the book just chose slightly different clichés and followed those instead. The main character and his roommates seemed kind of like caricatures of geeks that someone who was neve ...more
Wendy Cantu
Jun 27, 2013 Wendy Cantu rated it really liked it


Gaultieri's Tome of Bill series is outrageous, ridiculous, vulgar, and possibly one of the best humorous fiction series I've read in a long time. Or ever. I don't even know if I should put this on my "guilty pleasures" list, because quite frankly these are exceptionally well-written novels and I'm not sure I should feel guilty about liking them.

The series centers around Bill Ryder, a nerdy video game programmer, and thanks to him following his pants rather than his head one fateful night, a vam
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Robin Cole
Jul 20, 2013 Robin Cole rated it it was amazing
i LOVE this series- read them all back to back to back which although i like a good series, i rarely do because you get tired of hearing just one voice in your head, but Bill the Vampire is so awesome!
The story is a little non traditional- instead of Bill being one of the beautiful vamps we know and love, he is rather more of a geek, kinda dumpy, utterly average game programmer and wears glasses but has a wicked sense of humor, coated generously with irony and world class timing. He also lives
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Travis Mohrman
Sep 24, 2013 Travis Mohrman rated it it was amazing
This book had shown up in my suggestions for quite some time. I hadn't read a vampire book in awhile and I had the impression that this was a parody book. My impression was completely incorrect.
This story is washed in a good amount of humor soap, but it is not a parody by any means. It's about what happens when a nerdy, tubby guy gets turned into a vampire. With the help of a smoking hot older vampire and his two nerdy friends, Bill bungles around as one of the newly undead.
The writing was super
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Cheryl M-M
Aug 26, 2012 Cheryl M-M rated it really liked it
In the well written and very honest yet slightly rambunctious intro to this book, the author tells you exactly what this book isn't.
It isn't your usual handsome vampire makes all females swoon type of book. Instead the reader gets a glimpse of what happens when a shy awkward geeky guy becomes a so called creature of the night.
The humour is quirky and dry, but it didn't run smoothly throughout the book. It was more of an up and down wave of comedic scenes. The witty parts made me chuckle out loud
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Laura
Dec 16, 2012 Laura rated it really liked it
This very funny book imagines what it would be like if an ordinary, nerdy guy became a vampire. No sparkles, no extra sex appeal, just a vampire. I loved how his friends continued to have his back and help him out. I enjoyed the snarky tone the narrator (Bill) has. I could totally see this as a movie -- hope someone with those kind of connections can make that happen someday.

If you avoided this thinking it's part of the whole hunky vampire thing, not to worry. Bill is an Everyman who makes his t
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Pamellia
May 31, 2016 Pamellia rated it liked it
Shelves: 2016
I read an interview with the author of the Bill Vampire series where he says he has a lot of fun writing these books. That fun carries over for the reader, too. Just a fun-loving story that had a lot of action and feel good moments. I would consider reading more in this series.
Beth Lee
Jul 02, 2016 Beth Lee rated it really liked it
Fun and funny. A vampire book with a with our main vampire acting as I believe most of us would with a sudden turn in lifestyle change. Fast past and humorous. A good, fun read.
Meigan
"There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them."

So begins the tale of Bill the vampire. He is snookered in to attending a party with a hot girl, which should have tipped him off that something wasn't quite right. Bill and attractive women, maybe even women in general, aren't exactly in the same league. Women tend to overlook Bill because of his geeky status, and that for most of the time, he is a bumbling idiot. At said party, Bill is turned into a vampire. Still a geek, still not ho
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Marty Essen
Mar 21, 2013 Marty Essen rated it it was amazing
Bill the Vampire was an impulse purchase. I bought the book because the cover made me smile, and the price was cheaper than a Bloody Mary. How could I go wrong?

At first, Bill the Vampire made me chuckle but seemed more suitable for someone in their twenties than for someone like me who is a . . . . no longer in their twenties.

A few chapters in, I even considered dumping the book: “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll read until I laugh once more.” That took about a paragraph.

Another chapter or so in—and seve
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Robert Kristoffersen
Jun 23, 2012 Robert Kristoffersen rated it it was amazing
In a world that is heavily over-saturated with vampire fiction along comes Rick Gualtieri and 'Bill the Vampire' to change the scope of things for the better. From the cover, it's clear that Bill isn't your average vampire, he's just average and then turned into a vampire. In that way he is highly unique; you don't get the usual vampire image of hotter than hell, powerful as shit, or completely intelligent to the way vampires work. Part of the fun is the learning process, in becoming a vampire i ...more
Impy
Jul 04, 2016 Impy rated it did not like it
Its not horribly written and it has its moments when its almost funny, but there isn't a redeeming quality in a single character in the whole sorry book. Bill, the geek turned vampire, is one of those insecure fat-shaming, slut-shaming, self-pitying jerks who you know has a Tumblr blog where he rants about how he and his buddies are nice guys who always get friend-zoned by women, women who are all slutty worthless *itches he'd still nail if given half a chance. He also has no qualms about murder ...more
Rachel
Aug 14, 2015 Rachel rated it did not like it
Awful. I really wish I could've enjoyed this book, it has so many elements I love - geeks, vampires, an underdog hero but one giant flaw: the way the women are written and written about. It felt borderline violating.

Example: one female vampire described early on how a male vampire could control her and the protagonist asks if they male vampire makes her have sex with him - not in a "wow that's scary, the bastards not raping you is he?" kind of way, no, in an excited kind of way, where he talks a
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Madison Keller
Jul 06, 2013 Madison Keller rated it really liked it
Shelves: reviewed
This is a horror comedy, also known as a Dark Comedy. I bought this book after downloading the sample chapters. I was hooked after Bill yells a Darkwing Duck quote at the vampires while trying to escape.

Let me back up. On the way home from a day of shopping for D&D Manuals and gaming figurines, Bill meets knockout Sally on the subway. After a bit of flirting, Sally invites Bill to a party. Bill shows up, only to find the party is really a vampire hazing. They invite a bunch of geeks, turn th
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Carly
Mar 19, 2016 Carly rated it did not like it
Shelves: urban-fantasy
This series was recommended to me based on my love for the Dresden Files, by Jim Butcher. While the narration style is very similar, and the characters are relatable to anyone who considers himself a geek/nerd as in the Dresden Files, they lack the one thing I love most about the series which is any redeeming qualities in the main characters whatsoever. Either the author is, or he intentionally made his characters to be misogynistic and with little or no moral compass. Though the premise and plo ...more
Jocelyn
Jun 15, 2013 Jocelyn rated it really liked it
With the world of literary vampires overrun with brooding sexpots, the notion of a geek-turned-vampire is a breath of fresh air. Being quite the nerd myself (and if you know why the number 42 is funny, you might be one, too), I was drawn to this book. And I found myself laughing in spite of myself. The character of Bill manages to be completely obnoxious yet somehow endearing at the same time.

The thing that kept this from getting five stars from me is that I did think the sexually-obsessed nerd
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Sarah Jamison
Sep 06, 2014 Sarah Jamison rated it liked it
Oh, Bill. You are the best of the vampires. Unless we're counting all the other vampires who know how to be a vampire and they're probably objectively better at vamping than you. But you, Bill, can throw down a Darkwing Duck reference and then kill somebody with an Optimus Prime action figure so, you know, you got that going for you.*

*Reviewer's note: Bill doesn't have a ton more going for him. It's a super fun story of your run of the mill nerd getting turn into an uber-vamp through no fault of
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Beth
Apr 07, 2013 Beth rated it really liked it
My husband actually read this to me in the evenings. I went into it..with little expectation. However..this is one of the wittiest..funniest books I've ever heard. My husband IS Bill! Lol when he reads it..I crack up laughing. I have him do Sally sunsets voice and I just giggle. What a great book. I really hope they make this a movie..and do it justice of course. I relate to the dork aspect..his friends are like our friends.. "optimus prime" lol too funny. So original..so not what I was expectin ...more
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Goodreads Librari...: Please Seperate 4 18 May 08, 2015 11:15AM  
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Rick Gualtieri loves to write adventure, mayhem, and snarky dialogue. His bestselling Tome of Bill series combines all of this into a world of supernatural danger with hard-hitting action and plenty of sharp-tongued geeky humor.

Rick lives alone in a dark, evil place called New Jersey with only his wife, three kids, and countless pets to both keep him company and constantly plot against him. When h
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More about Rick Gualtieri...

Other Books in the Series

The Tome of Bill (8 books)
  • Scary Dead Things (The Tome of Bill, #2)
  • The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill, #3)
  • Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill, #4)
  • Goddamned Freaky Monsters (The Tome of Bill, #5)
  • Half a Prayer (The Tome of Bill, #6)
  • The Wicked Dead (The Tome of Bill, #7)
  • The Last Coven (The Tome of Bill #8)

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“I'm surprised you're not freaking."
"I don't freak'" he said bluntly.
"You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier."
"You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
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“This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).” 2 likes
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