The Rules of Inheritance

Jul 15, 2012 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars

A year or two ago, Vanity Fair pulished a photo spread of female southern writers or female writers from Atlanta, GA, if you will. Katherine Stockett (The Help) and Susan Rebecca White (Bound South) were among the wonderful group picture that would have done Annie Leibovitz proud. (Photography credit goes to then husband of Susan Rebecca White whose name escapes me at the moment)

Hailing from Atlanta, GA, Claire Bidwell Smith could have and should have been in that group picture. Her writing is u...more

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Apr 06, 2012 Lydia rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: book-pregnant, writers-i-know

A brilliant memoir by a young woman who lost both parents to cancer at an early age. Brutally honest, it sears with truth straight from the heart. To be able to look back with such clarity and calm is a magnificent achievement for one who has been through so much.

The most memorable scene goes with the most memorable idea: After her parents have died, Claire puts herself (and them, and their absence) through a series of tests to prove to herself that they're really not coming back, no matter wha...more

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Sep 19, 2012 Laura rated it 5 of 5 stars

I found my way to this writer via the Rumpus Letters in the Mail, and then came upon her book by accident in a bookstore. Claire Bidwell Smith's letter talked about courage--in life and writing--and how she sourced that courage from her father's life as an unsung war hero. What stuck with me after reading this book--which is really about how the writer deals with the death of both her parents relatively close together--the storyline about her father, their relationship, and the things he gets (a...more

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Mar 07, 2012 Jmom88 rated it 3 of 5 stars

I wanted to put the book down after the first chapter. Not that it was badly written or hard to read. I wanted to put it down because the pain is palpable even early on in the book. It’s like a huge wave is coming and you can’t see it but you can feel it rumbling and hear it roaring. It’s coming… and there’s no avoiding it.

Read my complete review on Found Not Lost

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Sep 24, 2012 Jgfunk marked it as to-read

Shelves: in-the-future

Other's review:
Claire Bidwell Smith--an only child--was just fourteen years old when both of her parents were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. "I've already come to the conclusion that I will probably be parentless by the time I am thirty," Claire writes in her powerful debut, "The Rules of Inheritance." As her mother begins to succumb during Claire's first year of college, Claire hurtles toward loss. She throws herself into the arms of anything she thinks might hold her up: bo...more

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Aug 08, 2012 C. rated it 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book and found much I could relate to, having both of my parents die by age 27. Some particularly moving parts:

p 68. (author's voice) "I could move in with you (her father), I say. But even as I offer I am torn. It's not Colin I'm afraid of leaving; it's my twenties. I'm afraid of giving up who I am."

p. 92 (her mother's journal) "Oh God, an engagement ring ... I felt alternately likea spoiled brat and like a woman who knew it was finally okay to want the things I'd always wanted."

p....more

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Jul 29, 2012 Amy M rated it 4 of 5 stars

4.5. A beautifully-told memoir about a woman's love for her parents. At age 14, both of Claire's parents were diagnosed with cancer. Yet she remains a pretty ordinary girl, doing & feeling pretty ordinary things. I was struck by her pain & brutal honesty that she felt she failed her mom & should have been a better daughter. Yet she does admit that had her mother not died first, she would have never developed the close relationship with her father that formed when it was just the two...more

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May 22, 2012 Jenny P rated it 3 of 5 stars

There isn't really a road map for how we experience grief. We all come from different backgrounds, have different views and perspectives, different value systems, sets of beliefs. How could there be just one prescribed way a person might expect to deal with tragedy?

In her memoir, The Rules of Inheritance, Claire Bidwell Smith explores the journey that she went through in dealing with and finally accepting the loss of both of her parents to cancer when she was just 18, and then 25 years old.

This...more There isn't really a road map for how we experience grief. We all come from different backgrounds, have different views and perspectives, different value systems, sets of beliefs. How could there be just one prescribed way a person might expect to deal with tragedy?

In her memoir, The Rules of Inheritance, Claire Bidwell Smith explores the journey that she went through in dealing with and finally accepting the loss of both of her parents to cancer when she was just 18, and then 25 years old.

This wasn't an easy book to read. Smith's writing is raw and compelling - her story agonizingly painful. And yet, I'm glad she had the courage to tell it. Though she does not hesitate to fully immerse her words in the struggles and pain that she dealt with for years, glimpses of hope, even joy filter through when you realize that Smith is now writing from the other side of her grief - as someone that has moved past anger and resentment to acceptance and peace.

This is not a "how-to" book. It's a memoir - a very personal, very real account of one individual's struggle with grief. But as the author notes in her concluding chapter, "Just saying the words "it's okay to feel sad" can elicit an enormous release of emotions from a grieving person, and with that release comes a touch of peace."

And that is what this book is really about - a statement that indeed, it is okay to feel sad, a willingness to accept the grief for what it is, and know that it is possible to move past it - even if it takes a decade of struggling to do so.

What you ought to know before reading this book:

- There is language that may, if you are sensitive to such things, assault your sensibilities. It is very authentic, and I feel a true reflection of the place the author found herself emotionally. But it's there, nonetheless, and is frequent enough there may be some that choose not to read because of it.

- There is alcohol, and there is sex. Nothing graphic, and nothing gratuitous, but a real and raw part of the narrative just the same.

- There is no mention of faith or religion, which, in a book that deals so heavily with death, may leave you feeling a bit hollow. For me, my faith is such an intricate part of who and what I am. It was hard to truly relate to a perspective that is void of those elements.(less)

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Mar 04, 2012 Amy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: netgalley-arc, memoir, grief, nonfiction

**This review is based on a digital galley provided by the publisher via NetGalley.**
The only time I regret spending on this book is the time I spent avoiding it. I added it to my NetGalley requests one evening when I was on one of my crazy searches for what could be "the next big thing" and I had to make sure that if it was out there that I could review it. The Rules of Inheritance sounded promising.

Claire Bidwell Smith takes us on a cyclic journey through her grieving and healing process. Her...more **This review is based on a digital galley provided by the publisher via NetGalley.**
The only time I regret spending on this book is the time I spent avoiding it. I added it to my NetGalley requests one evening when I was on one of my crazy searches for what could be "the next big thing" and I had to make sure that if it was out there that I could review it. The Rules of Inheritance sounded promising.

Claire Bidwell Smith takes us on a cyclic journey through her grieving and healing process. Her parents were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other while she was still in high school. Within her first year of college, her mother died, and she had no idea how to cope with the void in her life where her mother used to be. The Rules of Inheritance contains so many passages that I want to share, but this passage resonated the strongest with me, "I write her a letter on the one-year anniversary of her dead. Dear Mom, I don't know how to be without you. Please come back."

Since Joan Didion's memoirs about the death or her husband, The Year of Magical Thinking followed by the tragic death of her daughter, Blue Nights, it's hard not to compare any memoir with death and dying at its core to hers. However, what kept me reading Smith into the night and through this afternoon was the way her honest and compassionate voice highlights the grief all of us experience not just when we lose someone, but when we change. The hardest person to find when you think you've lost everything is yourself, and going from childhood to adulthood, all of us need to face that challenge. We have to learn how to sit alone with our thoughts; how to stop doing the things that hurt us; how to forgive. We also have to come to terms with our own mortality. As Nietzsche put it, " [W]hen you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." It's hard to watch someone die and scary to even find out someone has passed away not just because we grieve the loss, but because it's a reminder that our own time is limited.

I hope that Claire Bidwell Smith continues her work as an author and grief counselor. Everyone should read this book. It's one of the most beautiful books I've ever read.(less)

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Feb 16, 2012 Louise added it

Shelves: memoirs

Story Description:

The groundbreaking discovery that shows why women need fat to lose fat A resonant memoir of the ways untimely good-byes echo through the years by a writer who has considered every nuance of grief.

At age fourteen, Claire Bidwell Smith-an only child- learned that both of her parents had cancer. The fear of becoming a family of one before she came of age compels Claire to make a series of fraught choices, set against the glittering backdrop of New York and Los Angeles-and the pall...more Story Description:

The groundbreaking discovery that shows why women need fat to lose fat A resonant memoir of the ways untimely good-byes echo through the years by a writer who has considered every nuance of grief.

At age fourteen, Claire Bidwell Smith-an only child- learned that both of her parents had cancer. The fear of becoming a family of one before she came of age compels Claire to make a series of fraught choices, set against the glittering backdrop of New York and Los Angeles-and the pall of regret. When the inevitable happens, and Claire is alone in the world, she is inconsolable at the revelation that suddenly she is no one's special person. It is only when Claire eventually falls in love, marries, and becomes a mother that she emerges from the fog of grief.

Defying a conventional framework, this story is told using the five stages of grief as a window into Smith's experience. As in the very best memoirs, the author's powerful and exquisite writing renders personal events into universal experience.

My Review:

In 1996, 18-year-old, Claire, gets a phone call from her father telling her that her mother is back in the hospital. Her cancer had gone too far and there wasn’t anything the doctors’ could do to help her.

Claire immediately flashes back to the previous weekend when her Mom had come from Atlanta to Virginia to visit her on campus. They went out to dinner, took a drive along the winding mountain, and her mother was acting “chipper”. At the end of the weekend, Claire couldn’t wait to get rid of her so she could get back to her own life. A thought she’d come to regret and little did she know that her entire life was about to change in 7 short years.

Losing a parent is life-altering. We always think our parents will live forever but the sad truth is that we all lose our parents at some point. I was at least able to have my Mom until I was 43 and my Dad until I was 48.

This was an incredibly sad story as Claire lost both of her parents before she was 25-years-old. Ms. Smith’s book should be read by everyone because at some point you too will experience the sad, heart-wrenching pain and grief of losing your parents. Even for those like myself who have already suffered the loss of both parents this beautiful and touching memoir will lead you to be a better person. Excellent!

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Feb 13, 2012 K2 ----- rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is a powerful memoir of deeply felt loss and what it is to be an only child of an aging father and a mother who was ill with colon cancer in her formative teenage years.

There are wavy boundaries in her family. She describes of her quest to feel whole again after enduring her mother's illness and holding onto any plank in a storm to stay keep her head above water. Her life is a series of brutal relationships, too much drinking, too many cigarettes, and a deep sense of emptiness. She is in n...more This is a powerful memoir of deeply felt loss and what it is to be an only child of an aging father and a mother who was ill with colon cancer in her formative teenage years.

There are wavy boundaries in her family. She describes of her quest to feel whole again after enduring her mother's illness and holding onto any plank in a storm to stay keep her head above water. Her life is a series of brutal relationships, too much drinking, too many cigarettes, and a deep sense of emptiness. She is in need of guidance and attention that no one seems able to properly offer to get her back on course.

At first I was intimidated by the fact the book was not going to flow in a chronological order but instead by Kuber Ross's stages of grief. Smith pulls it off with ease. In places it is a little like a train wreck, you read because you can't look away. There are some gems in here about loss and recovery, things you will want to quote later, take-aways that are powerful and pithy.

This memoir is well-written and intensely candid, likely like nothing you have read previously.

On the heels of losing her mother her father becomes ill so she is thrown in that storm of pre-grieving while still at a loss to properly fully process her mother's death. Two parents dying of cancer before the age of thirty is a hard reality for anyone but particularly an only child.

I found myself wanting to learn more about her father's WWII experiences and how this shaped the man his daughter knew and also more about the lives of his "first" family who produced half-sisters and brothers for the author who were almost thirty years her senior.

The author is a grief counselor. She writes how her marriage and the birth of her daughter helped her to put her life back together again, to feel less alone, and more grateful for what she had and not focused on what she didn't have. A reader will sense that cutting alcohol out of her life is a great first step to facing life and loss head on.

I rarely give a book five stars but I sincerely feel this one is deserving this honor.

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Feb 03, 2012 Ron Stempkowski rated it 5 of 5 stars

I pre-ordered this book months ago. When I woke up this morning I had received an email that it had been downloaded to my kindle. I began devouring it early this morning as I'd been eagerly anticipating it's arrival since the author told me about it last year--when she was my and my late-husband's grief counselor in hospice.

Claire Bidwell Smith is as bright and eloquent in print as she is person. In this memoir Bidwell Smith takes us through her journey of grief as both of her parents are diagno...more

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Nov 28, 2011 Christine Frank rated it 5 of 5 stars

By happenstance, this is the third memoir in a month by professional writers who have something happen to them and move to or already live in New York, and abuse substances and may or may not come out the better for it. And this is the best one, with the most admirable "character", with the most, oh, redeemed/fixed/came out the other end a better person?

As someone who also lost her mother at age 18, I completely get this tale. There are some wonderful passages about loss and the slow, slow accep...more

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Jul 26, 2012 Mmtimes4 rated it 4 of 5 stars

Claire Bidwell Smith -- an only child -- was just fourteen years old when both of her parents were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. "I've already come to the conclusion that I will probably be parentless by the time I am thirty," Claire writes in her powerful debut.

As her mother begins to succumb during Claire's first year of college, Claire hurtles towards loss. She throws herself into the arms of anything she thinks might hold her up: boys, alcohol, traveling, and the anonymi...more Claire Bidwell Smith -- an only child -- was just fourteen years old when both of her parents were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. "I've already come to the conclusion that I will probably be parentless by the time I am thirty," Claire writes in her powerful debut.

As her mother begins to succumb during Claire's first year of college, Claire hurtles towards loss. She throws herself into the arms of anything she thinks might hold her up: boys, alcohol, traveling, and the anonymity of cities like New York and Los Angeles. Her every choice carries the weight of a young woman's world, and it feels like a solitary place. Words -- books, diaries, letters, family stories -- become Claire's true companions, and provide a glimpse of the future, however foreign.

In New York, she studies writing and learns the ways of the world, falling in and out of love with a troubled young man, all the while grappling not only with her own lonelieness and regret but that of her aging father. She joins him in Los Angeles as a novice journalist, and records one last thrilling entry in their nuclear family history in the fields of Eastern Europe in search of his World War II past. When it is time to say good-bye, once more the fragility of life astonishes.

Defying a conventional framework, this memoir is told in nonlinear fashion, using the five stages of grief as a window into Claire's experience, at once heartbreaking and uplifting. "Why would anyone want to walk into pain?" Claire asks. "But when I did, I found that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would."

Each step brings her closer to finding the meaning of the rules of inheritance, and how they will shape her future -- as a woman, as a wife, as a mother. As in the very best personal writing, Claire's superbly resonant words render the personal universal.

As I neared the end of this book last night I found myself sobbing as I read her account of spending the last few minutes when her dad as cancer overcame his body. It took me back to that horrible day I experienced as my dad took his last breaths surrendering to cancer. She writes with such truth. It is hard to read as she struggles to find her way and deal with the death of her parents, but she doesn't sugar coat it, but makes it very real. Some might consider this book a bit depressing but good memoirs are fast becoming my favorite genre as I like things to be "real".
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Nov 01, 2012 Samantha Hoffman rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is a beautifully written, heart-wrenching memoir of a young woman who lost both of her parents to cancer; her mom when she was 18 and her dad when she was 25. It's hard enough to lose your parents when you're middle-aged but unimaginable to think of someone so young with no one to help guide them through life.
This book is not for everyone - it's unutterably sad, but it is honest and brave, and skillfully written. It's a story of debilitating grief leading to years of depression and addictio...more

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May 16, 2012 Lianna rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoirs, my-heart-hurts, books-i-own

I have to admit I was a little bit anxious and worried about starting this book. The subject was a heavy one and also hits incredibly close to home for me. I was worried about the reaction I would have, generally worried about how it would resonate with me but after finishing the book - I am extremely happy that I chose to pick it up in the first place.

The Rules of Inheritance a brilliantly written, poignant memoir chronicling the author's loss of both parents to cancer within a few short years...more

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Feb 23, 2012 Dina rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: to-be-reviewed

The Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith is a memoir of life and death. Claire is only fourteen years-old when her parents are diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. This book shows Claire growing and changing with their illnesses and how it impacts her life.

The book is written in a non-linear form that jumps from year to year and various stages of illness. It shows Claire as a teenager, losing her virginity, and trying to find a way to fit in. It takes her through different...more

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Feb 15, 2012 Frank rated it 5 of 5 stars

It's hard to face the time to say goodbye, the last goodbye. And it is even harder to face the morning after. To lose one's parents while still single and young and to be "no one's special person," triggers a panic in one's gut that no amount of preparation can totally annihilate. Yet this book, "The Rules of Inheritance" does go a long way to help one "emerge from the fog of grief;" to deal with the call to go on. Even if you have not lost a parent or spouse of sibling, it will eventually happe...more

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Feb 18, 2012 Nada rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-read-books

Review first published on my blog: http://memoriesfrombooks.blogspot.com...

The Rules of Inheritance is the memoir of Claire Bidwell Smith. She is a licensed therapist specializing in helping patients through grief. This book tells the story of her very personal journey. She is an only child of loving parents. When she was fourteen, both parents were diagnosed with cancer. She lost both parents to the disease in the following few years. This book tells the story of her journey through tragedy.

The...more

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Apr 13, 2012 Erin Cashman rated it 5 of 5 stars

Claire Bidwell Smith’s stunning debut, The Rules of Inheritance, is a powerful and gripping memoir. When Claire is the tender age of fourteen, both of her parents are diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. As her mother succumbs to the disease while Claire is in college, her life comes crashing in around her.

The story is told not in a linear fashion, but rather through the five stages of grief. The author, with tremendous honesty and bravery, examines each stage. As we travel with C...more

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Feb 22, 2012 Sara rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir-biography, won-on-goodreads

I was lucky to receive a copy of this book through the Goodreads contest.

The book chronicles her coming to terms with the overwhelming grief she feels after losing both of her parents to cancer, and learning to move past it and finding a life past/through her grief.

Where to begin... What an amazing book. Written in a very "stream of consciouness" way it feels as though you are actually in the author's head and she processes her emotions. Both of her parents are diagnosed with cancer when she is...more

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Dec 25, 2012 Marisa rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: first-reads

This book skipped the line, in the sense that there were quite a few books lined up ahead of this, and yet from the first sentence it sucked me in. Strange, because a memoir about a woman losing her parents to cancer isn't exactly an enjoyable read. Honestly, it was a difficult book, but I couldn't put it down.
Until I did put it down. I had to. At about the halfway point it became so heavy I really needed a break. A few days later, I finished it pretty quickly and I'm so happy I did. This was o...more

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Jan 04, 2013 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I think this will be a book I'll come back to again and again. I feel solidarity with Claire--I was born to older parents, with much older siblings, and raised as if an only child. Both parents have gone through serious health scares but have come through, though I know I'll be touched by loss sooner or later, in one way or another. We all are. The portrait of Claire's journey is moving, and I admire her honesty and her big heart. She's turned the blackness of her grief to gold, through writing...more

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Oct 20, 2011 Nona rated it 4 of 5 stars

What a beautifully told memoir of Claire’s love for her parents and the untethered feelings she had following the death of her mother. Her honesty in sharing her behavior and reaction to loss and grief was both raw and touching, as she also began to realize that her closeness to her father would not have occurred without the death of her mother. Her superb writing draws you in to her story and leads you to think about the fragility of life and how the touch and presence of another human can make...more

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Dec 27, 2012 Michele rated it 3 of 5 stars

This is more like 3.5 stars in my opinion. While I didn't love it, the writing was solid, and there was great emotion throughout the book (as one would hope in a book about a woman who lost both parents to cancer before she turned 25). When I started and I noticed that the chapters were not chronological - she'll say "1997, I am nineteen years old" and then go to a later date and then back to an earlier one - I found that her "timeline" of the story really did not depend upon the chronological,...more

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Apr 09, 2012 Tracy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir, recommended

This book follows ten years in the author's life in which both of her parents die of cancer. She is overwhelmed with grief over her parents and it affects everything in her life, from the relationships she falls into, the college she doesn't finish and dependencies that are created. The only thing about this book that was a bit off putting was that it jumped around from year to year. For instance, it jumps from age 18 to age 25 and then back to age 21, without particular rhyme or reason.

I really...more

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Mar 01, 2012 Nina rated it 5 of 5 stars

If forced to choose one word to describe The Rules of Inheritance, it would be “exquisite.” Bidwell Smith tells her story in lush language full of vibrant imagery.When she was fourteen, both of her parents were diagnosed with cancer. This remarkable memoir chronicles her reactions to their illnesses and deaths, and serves as a powerful testament to the impact of bereavement and subsequent grief.

The book is divided into sections, headed by the well-known Kubler-Ross stages of grief. As a bereave...more

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Jan 16, 2013 Kimmie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: all-owned-books, memoirs-bios, 2013

My boyfriend handed me this book and said, "You're going to cry, but you need to read this." He was highly correct on both accounts. The story resonated a little too well with me, yet that's exactly what I needed to understand how un-alone I am in facing a similar parental situation to the author's. I love how the book is divided into the stages of the grieving process, but it's not in chronological order because we don't necessarily go through stages in a particular order. If I ever get the opp...more

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Mar 22, 2013 Alexis Borrevik rated it 5 of 5 stars

After reading Smith's blog for a while, I knew I had to read this book. Her portrayal of the grieving process is absolutely heart-wrenching, yet I found myself unable to put down this book. Even through the tears I wanted to read her words, so carefully chosen and beautifully articulated. Having lost some of people with whom I've been closest in my life, this book resonated with me in a way that perhaps no other book has ever been able to do. While this book is about the infinite sadness that ac...more

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Mar 06, 2013 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: grief-literature

On a personal level I connected with this book because my mother died from cancer when I was 13. As a writer I connected with this book because Bidwell Smith so effectively expresses her grief and loss with stunning prose. There are passages that I have read over and over again--and as a bereavement group facilitator for teens, I've shared many of these passages with my group to spark discussion or writing activities. My favorite is the passage that begins on page 106:

"In three years my grief h...more

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