The Meaning of Marriage: Finding Happiness in Your Most Profound Relationship

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The Meaning of Marriage: Finding Happiness in Your Most Profound Relationship

4.45 of 5 stars 4.45 · rating details · 2,189 ratings · 352 reviews

Based on his most popular sermon series, New York Times bestselling author Timothy Keller delivers an extraordinarily insightful look at the keys to happiness in marriage.

Few subjects are as compelling-or as endlessly variable-as love and marriage. The Bible is filled with references to husbands and wives, from the story of Adam and Eve to advice in the New Testament, each...more

Hardcover, 304 pages

Published November 1st 2011 by Penguin Group (USA)

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Aug 26, 2012 logdog rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: marriage-and-family

[Incomplete]

In the introduction, Tim describes he and his wife Kathy, in the early days of their courtship, gradually realizing "that the other was a rare fit for [their] hearts." They shared, he says, the "secret thread" that C.S. Lewis says makes people good friends: "You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words:...Are not all lifelong friend...more

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May 13, 2013 Gunner McGrath rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: All Christians, especially unmarried ones

Shelves: christian, own-in-hardcover, marriage

This goes on my must-read list for all unmarried Christians, and on my should-read list for all married Christians. No, seriously: if you're a single/divorced Christian, put this on the top of your list immediately.

In his book Altar Ego , Craig Groeschel said, "If you don't know the purpose of something, all you can do is misuse it." Sadly, I see huge numbers of people, many of them Christians, misusing marriage because they don't know its purpose. They not only misuse it once they get married,...more This goes on my must-read list for all unmarried Christians, and on my should-read list for all married Christians. No, seriously: if you're a single/divorced Christian, put this on the top of your list immediately.

In his book Altar Ego , Craig Groeschel said, "If you don't know the purpose of something, all you can do is misuse it." Sadly, I see huge numbers of people, many of them Christians, misusing marriage because they don't know its purpose. They not only misuse it once they get married, but they misuse it during their single years by putting their hope in it for eventual self-fulfillment and missing most or all of the incredible and varied blessings marriage provides, most notably character growth.

The Kellers do a phenomenal job of explaining God's complete design for marriage* as best we can understand it through the Scriptures and the experience of pastoring a church for many years. And although I am married and look forward to applying some of these principals to my own marriage, I believe the book is most valuable to the unmarried; those hoping to marry one day should know what they are getting themselves into, and those planning never to marry should know what they are missing.

I came to this book primarily hoping it would help me teach others a Godly vision for marriage in order to understand the Christian doctrine of premarital abstinence. The book does make a good case for that, but offers so much more as well. The one unfortunate thing is that Keller's writing style is a bit "scholarly" and so may be difficult for Christian teens, who are in need of this book as much as anyone.

I expect this will be a book I re-read and reference many times in the future.

*This is not merely the accurate but very shallow definition many Christians publicly support: "Marriage is between one man and one woman." That is one small facet of marriage, but offers nothing about its purpose, only its regulation. The book addresses the way the two genders complement and challenge each other, but does not even put a toe into the gay marriage debate; that might likely be a worthy topic for an entirely separate book.(less)

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Apr 23, 2013 Noah Jacobus rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: christianity, mine, 2013

I took my time with this volume to let myself chew on its contents, and I’m really glad I did. Some of the sections (especially “Loving the Stranger” and “Embracing the Other”) gave me a considerable amount of material to process. It’s interesting how some of these topics lined up perfectly with relevant rising circumstances and conversations in my own life.

I’d say it’s a necessary read for the married, engaged, nuptially hopeful, or even staunchly single (there’s a chapter in there for you too)...more

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May 08, 2013 Heath Marion rated it 5 of 5 stars

Why do we need another book on marriage? While there are numerous authors attempting to tackle this hard topic, few are able to do what the Kellers have done. One of the drastic differences in this marriage book is focus on the Gospel. The Kellers continue to drive the reader back to the Gospel. For them, the Gospel is what makes the difference.

The focus on the book is on a few verses written in Ephesians 5 by the Apostle Paul. Each chapter begins to break down words, phrases, and thoughts of Pa...more Why do we need another book on marriage? While there are numerous authors attempting to tackle this hard topic, few are able to do what the Kellers have done. One of the drastic differences in this marriage book is focus on the Gospel. The Kellers continue to drive the reader back to the Gospel. For them, the Gospel is what makes the difference.

The focus on the book is on a few verses written in Ephesians 5 by the Apostle Paul. Each chapter begins to break down words, phrases, and thoughts of Paul. Chapters cover a variety of topics such as “The Secret of Marriage,” “The Power of Marriage,” “Loving the Stranger,” and “Sex and Marriage.” Every couple can find a chapter helpful to them.

For those who are not married there is a chapter on how to maximize your singleness. Because of the high number of singles attending his church, this book gives practical advice for dating.

A new definition of love is developed in this book. Definitions of love given by contemporary society are contrasted with the Bible. Love is defined in Ephesians and embellished by the Kellers as more than a romantic feeling or erotic emotion.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

No marriage is without periods of pain and struggle. The question is, “how do you deal with difficulties in marriage?” Many couples could use this advice. Marriage can be hard. You can get through it is the message of this book.

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”

The Kellers give a great vision for what love in marriage should look like. Love is not destroyed by marriage but it should be enhanced by marriage.

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

Take your time going through this book. It is packed with practical insights. I highly recommend this book for any couple looking for a great marriage resource.(less)

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Feb 20, 2013 Elizabeth L rated it 5 of 5 stars

Great book that surprised me with how practical and realistic we can all be when pursuing/considering/involved in intimate relationships. Keller gives great statistics on both extremes - those who are disillusioned by the marriage institution and think it's obsolete; and those who put all of their hope in marriage and idealize it to the point that they think any conflict means that it was a mistake. I highly recommend it for those who are uncertain about the entire thing. He is practical, gives...more

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Feb 02, 2013 Bryan Robinson rated it 4 of 5 stars

A gospel influenced book on marriage. It gives me the much needed reminded that unless I am loving Jesus first and foremost, I will not be able to love my wife the way she was meant to be loved.

Some of my favorite parts:
The Meaning of Marriage - Tim Keller - Net Out - 2.1.13
1. p45 - But what is the secret to marriage? Paul says, “I am talking about Christ and the church.” Jesus gave himself up for us. He gave up glory and power and became a servant. He died to his own interests and looked to our...more A gospel influenced book on marriage. It gives me the much needed reminded that unless I am loving Jesus first and foremost, I will not be able to love my wife the way she was meant to be loved.

Some of my favorite parts:
The Meaning of Marriage - Tim Keller - Net Out - 2.1.13
1. p45 - But what is the secret to marriage? Paul says, “I am talking about Christ and the church.” Jesus gave himself up for us. He gave up glory and power and became a servant. He died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests instead. Jesus’s sacrificial service to us has brought us into a deep union with him and he with us. And that, Paul says, is the key not only to understanding marriage but to living it.
2. p52 - The biblical picture of marriage is not two needy people, unsure of their own value and purpose, finding their significance and meaning in one another’s arms. If you add two vacuums to each other, you only get a bigger and stronger vacuum, a giant sucking sound. Rather, Paul assumes that each spouse has already settled the big questions of life, why they were made by God and who they are in Christ.
3. p52 - After trying all sorts of other things, Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to “run on.” That is what gets all the heart’s cylinders to fire. If this is not understood, then we will not have the resources to be good spouses. If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility.
4. p76 - The only way to avoid sacrificing your partner’s joy and freedom on the altar of your need is to turn to the ultimate lover of your soul.
5. p124 - The simple fact is that only if I love Jesus more than my wife will I be able to serve her needs ahead of my own. Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to serve her needs ahead of my own. Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to be patient, faithful, tender, and open with my wife when things are not going well in the relationship. And the more joy I get from my relationship with Christ, the more I can share that joy with my wife and family.
6. p166 - Unaided, our human nature is incapable of producing the power of truth and the power of love in combination. WIthout an experience of God’s grace, people who feel they have succeeded in life feel confident but not humble before others who are wrongdoers. People who feel they have largely failed in life are humble but not confident and joyful. But the gospel transforms us so our self-understanding is no longer based on our performance in life. We are sinners but completely loved and accepted in Christ at the same time. You can’t create this power, you can only reflect it to others if you have received it. Jesus saw your heart to the bottom but loved you to the skies. And the joy and freedom that comes from knowing that the Son of God did that for you enables you to do that for your spouse. It gives you both the emotional humility and the wealth to exercise the power of grace.
8. I believe that 1 Cor 7:3-5 (the wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband and likewise for the husband’s body) is an important practical resource. Each partner in marriage is to be most concerned not with getting sexual pleasure but with giving it. In short, the greatest sexual pleasure should be the pleasure of seeing your spouse getting pleasure. When you get to the place where giving arousal is the most arousing thing, you are practicing this principle.

A few quotes I did not love:
1. p100 - When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.
2. p103 - I had been loving them even when I didn’t like them, and the result was that, slowly but surely, my emotions were catching up with my behavior.
3. p105 - You must stick to your commitment to act and serve in love even when - no especially when - you don’t feel much delight and attraction to your spouse.

- It seems to me that this relies upon my willpower and my obedience to God’s word and principles. I have found in my experience that this does not last long if I rely on myself (even if my motive is to carry out biblical principles). Only when I turn my eyes upon Jesus and think about all He has done for me and the fact that He lives in me can I purely and selflessly love my wife as she needs to be loved. Not because I know I ought to. Throughout the rest of the book Keller reminds us that only Christ can fill our tanks. I don’t understand how the two ideas are compatible. (less)

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Jan 17, 2013 Jessica Stock rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really like Tim Keller and this book was very readable, I would recommend this to anyone attempting to understand what the Bible says about marriage. The chapter written by his wife Kathy on gender roles was excellent especially for anyone who may have a negative assumption of the Biblical view of submission and authority. I found the first section of the book especially good as Keller attempts to describe what marriage is and what it is not, as modern people have either "cosmically impossible...more

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Dec 13, 2012 Ben Peltz rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: christianity

The best book on marriage that I have read to date. Characteristic for Tim Keller, this book is full of rich pastoral theology. The word theology is key... Keller refuses to indulge in the self-help craze in a subject area that is almost exclusively dominated by self-help. Instead, he carefully works through a biblical theology of marriage, connecting it with the overarching themes of God's covenant love for his people, the love of Christ at the cross, and the love instilled in the lives of beli...more

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Sep 22, 2012 Jr Forasteros rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shortly after I posted my review of Mark Driscoll’s Real Marriage, which failed as a book on marriage, many sympathetic to Driscoll told me to get the forthcoming The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. Tim is the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church on the island of Manhattan. He’s also a New Calvinist and a co-founder of the Gospel Coalition, which apparently believes you have to be Complementarian to be a real Christian. To say I was nervous to dive in would be an understatement, but dive in...more

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Sep 03, 2012 Megan rated it 2 of 5 stars

Promising as this book seems to be, "The Meaning of Marriage" turns out to be an overly general, repetitive, and flawed treatment of marriage.

At first, I loved the book. Keller starts with an insightful analysis of the motives behind marriage (or the lack thereof) in contemporary America. Unlike previous generations, this generation sees marriage, if achieved, as 'self-realization': a relationship in which both partners are ideal, in need of no character development, and thus able to provide ce...more Promising as this book seems to be, "The Meaning of Marriage" turns out to be an overly general, repetitive, and flawed treatment of marriage.

At first, I loved the book. Keller starts with an insightful analysis of the motives behind marriage (or the lack thereof) in contemporary America. Unlike previous generations, this generation sees marriage, if achieved, as 'self-realization': a relationship in which both partners are ideal, in need of no character development, and thus able to provide certain commodities such as sex, wealth, social status and the security of having a companion. Interestingly, I noticed how Keller's thesis played out in real life. A movie I like depicts two men (Tall Dark Handsome and Computer Nerd) pursuing the same girl; she chooses Computer Nerd. The webs are filled with people upset about this choice. I couldn't help but think that these fussbudgets are illustrating Keller's thesis for him: Tall Dark Handsome is the very much an ideal: in need of little character development, equally aggressive and gentle. Computer Nerd is arrogant and slightly overweight, though ultimately likeable. He, not Tall Dark Handsome, was the real man with real problems that women have to deal with in real life.

After this chapter, however, Keller's book begins to fall apart. Keller's most obvious problem is his lack of detail. John Piper has been noted as a writer who tends to repeat himself (Indeed, the first three chapters of his book on missions are so exactly alike that I had to put the book down). Keller, who is also a pastor, experiences the same problem: He tends to repeat his main ideas without adding new information or examples to help readers retain the information in their minds. Chapters 2-4 described the biblical perspective on marriage (a solemn vow of mutual help and support, made possible only by relying on Christ), and by the fourth chapter all his material was sounding the same, and I was skimming very quickly.) Nor does he provide sufficient examples: Later chapters on singleness and on sex interested me greatly, but although his ideas were fascinating, he provided few examples to flesh out what his theories look like in real life. As a result, I haven't tried applying anything and his ideas are even now (less than a week after I finished the book) fuzzy. Good teachers will tell you that stories and examples are crucial to helping students retain information, and Keller does not provide those stories and examples.

His first problem is that he says nothing that should be new to his readers. Following his analysis of marriage, he reminds married couples to put each other's needs and desires first. He reminds readers that even the efforts of one person can help heal the relationship. He reminds people to read their Bibles. In other words, he does a lot of reminding. I realize there is value in reminders, but reading a book demands a great deal of time and effort (I took two weeks to read this book) and so the book should offer its readers something new: at the very least, new suggestions to put all the old ideas into practice. Keller does not do this, and as a result, his book is familiar and slightly boring to anyone who has studied Philippians 2.

Perhaps the lowest point in terms of repeating aphorisms is the chapter on gender roles, written by Keller's wife Kathy. I was especially disappointed by this: Gender roles and the Christian interpretation of these fascinates me, and Kathy deals with these in a familiar and even stereotypical fashion. At the beginning of the chapter, she tells her readers that embracing gender roles "did not involve me developing a taste for frilly clothing, nor Tim taking up car maintenance." I was astonished by how outdated these stereotypes were. Very few people still picture all women as having 'a taste for frilly clothing,' and so the reader is left wondering what Kathy's point is. Is she trying to debunk stereotypes that are 60 years old? In fact, Kathy persists in repeating old news throughout the chapter: Her next point is that men and women are inherently different. Even the most ardent feminists (with a few exceptions) celebrate this difference. Kathy's point surprises no one, which begs the question, "Why is she telling us this?" No real answer is given, because the few times that she does address modern problems, she fails to provide real analysis. She repeats common arguments for gender roles as they now exist (such as the argument that male headship does not make women inherently inferior) and refuses to attempt an answer at why the gender roles exist (she actually says that we cannot know).

Finally, there are a few exceptional flaws in Keller's book which I want to point out. What troubled me the most was his treatment of what he calls "woundedness": the feeling of hurt left over by (according to Keller) those who have been hurt in dating relationships, or even emotionally and verbally abused by parents. (Thankfully, he leaves physical and sexual abuse out of the picture.) Essentially, Keller tells wounded people to 'get over it' in order to make their marriage work: He suggests "that woundedness makes us self-absorbed" and that the wounded partner should "determine to see [her] own selfishness and to treat it more seriously than [she] does [her] spouse's". While I believe that Keller makes some good points about not letting past hurts dominate the present and about taking action to heal these wounds, I think he far underestimates the pain caused by hurtful people, and the ease with which those who have been hurt can put their hurt behind them. Especially in cases of emotional and verbal abuse, the wounded person is not simply "making excuses for selfishness"; that person has been hurt as truly as if she were physically wounded and will need just as much care. Keller's treatment of "woundedness" is insensitive and predicts, in fact, future pain and frustration for people who cannot simply put very real wounds behind.

Finally, Keller's treatment of singleness is contradictory and insufficient. At first, Keller points out that the church tries to explain singleness away by saying that those who are single can serve God more fully; he argues that, in fact, this reserves wholehearted service to God as something for a special class of people. By the end of the chapter, however, he reassures singles that their gift is one of "freetom . . . to concentrate on ministry in ways that a married [person] could not." His big piece of advice for singles is to rely heavily on the relationships in their church: While single people lack support and the impetus for personal growth provided by a married person, they can experience this in part, Keller believes, by befriending those of the opposite sex at church. Problem: Very few churches exist like this. As a single woman, I have been to exactly zero churches with a number of single, Christlike and friendly men to build me up. Lest anyone think my experience is abnormal, I live in the Bible belt! I am VERY familiar with the American church. Keller, despite giving some interesting and useful advice on how and when to pursue marriage, ultimately tries and fails to explain singleness. I think perhaps this is because Keller has not lived as a single (he was a college student when he married): As there is only so much help a single person can give her married friends, so there is only so much help that a married person can offer a single one. Without the practical, lived experience of singlehood, the married person will put forward ideas that do not, in fact, work in reality.

Here's why Keller's book is so disappointing: I read somewhere once that all the books published on sex do not indicate that America has a handle on sex; the plethora of books in fact indicates that America has a problem with sex. I see the same thing in books on marriage and singleness for the church: We have a problem, and nobody knows (beyond a few common principles) how to solve it. Timothy Keller does not really understand the solution himself. He understands the problem, but his book does not offer any kind of new solution, or even a fresh or healthy take on the old solution.
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Henrique Soarez Dear Megan, I'm really sorry you didn't like the book. I can understand your claim about it not being practical enough.

I would venture saying that Chr...more
Sep 30, 2012 12:57pm

Anni Megan, thanks for your insightful and intelligent review. I just can't believe how Christian readers don't seem to apply critical thinking when it com...more Megan, thanks for your insightful and intelligent review. I just can't believe how Christian readers don't seem to apply critical thinking when it comes to analysing the contemporary teachings from the pulpit.

While I respect Timothy Keller as a well-regarded author and appreciate The Reason for God, I find his treatment on marriage missing some vital aspects.

Firstly, books on marriage often construct strawmen arguments then proceed to tear them down. I mean, who doesn't support the argument that marriages need to be Biblically based, that couples should put each other first, that spouses should not be trying to get happiness out of marriage, that even one person can change a marriage, etc.? Christian marriages don't break down because spouses don't care enough, or don't take their covenant seriously. 90% of the divorces that I know of happened because there was no choice. God didn't design humans to live enslaved to another, to be abused or to be oppressed. He came to set us free, but most Christians don't apply that principle when it comes to being tortured in the home. They simply try harder, reading one book after another, but because most Christian marriage books don't address the crisis of domestic abuse, they don't get any clarification. As a result, they stay longer in abusive relationships, and suffer worse abuse (according to shelter workers across the country).

The chapter for singles should have included red flags for abuse. There is so much research and literature available on the dynamics and traits of abusive/psychopathic/disordered personalities, I don't see why Christian pastors or authors don't utilize such useful information. It would prevent the escalating rates of marriage breakdown.

I agree with you, Megan, on how gender roles are handled less than satisfactorily, with the view of the husband being the "head of the wife". Again, there is a vast amount of literature clarifying what this most likely means, and it doesn't mean what your average evangelical thinks it does. It certainly not clear that the husband is called to be the boss. While one can tolerate the view that a boss can be kind, that's not what the Bible means anyway, and secondly, it's precisely this kind of teaching that gives justification for abusive men to expect submission and punish her if he feels it is not forthcoming.

Your point about the impact of emotional abuse is spot on, and the way most people are in denial about this, burying their hands in the sand, I am not surprised that I have hardly heard or read any objections apart from yours. Until Christians are willing to face and validate the damage perpetrated by abuse (in whatever form), without glossing over it with hasty and superficial forgiveness, healing cannot occur, and without healing, not only will marriages be affected, but abuse will be perpetrated to the next generation. Which spells more trouble for marriages. And more marriage books will be written, trying to stem the flow of divorce. But they will probably miss the elephant in the living room.(less)
Oct 04, 2012 06:33am

David Nice review. Unfortunately I am in need of constant reminders of even the most simple things.
Oct 15, 2012 06:47am

Aug 05, 2012 zerospinboson rated it 3 of 5 stars

First few chapters are quite thought-provoking, but the last 3 chapters are disappointingly superficial, because of the way the authors constantly contrast a rather self-centered ‘hedonistic’ approach to marriage and relationship formation to ‘the’ Christian approach, which they feel everyone should strive for. Because the upshot of this dichotomous approach is that, apart from a providing a few footnotes in which they suggest that it is possible to not be Christian while still having an ‘other-...more

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Mar 10, 2012 Erin rated it 5 of 5 stars

A "single person's review"... Read it!!
It's not just because of the marriage insights. [But those are great!] Great reminders and challenges for me, even though not all of it was new. But still, is it relevant to single people *now*? [or wait until you're married] YES, it is! The Meaning of Marriage is gospel-centric [which got my interest and inclined me toward reading it in the first place]. Keller frames marriage in the context of living out the gospel, that the gospel is truly what allows u...more A "single person's review"... Read it!!
It's not just because of the marriage insights. [But those are great!] Great reminders and challenges for me, even though not all of it was new. But still, is it relevant to single people *now*? [or wait until you're married] YES, it is! The Meaning of Marriage is gospel-centric [which got my interest and inclined me toward reading it in the first place]. Keller frames marriage in the context of living out the gospel, that the gospel is truly what allows us to 'do' marriage. That while a marriage can survive if the marriage partners are not Believers, the best marriage will have the gospel and the work of sanctification as the focal point. All true and spot-on. [For anyone married out there, even if you 'know this', I encourage you to read this... TOGETHER. Because Keller just unpacks it.]
Another very important focus of this book is the in-depth look Keller takes on marriage in today's culture and time period. "The State of the (Marriage) Union", so to speak. Reading this section is either going to be extremely convicting or it's going to break your heart and increase your burden to pray for society's views on marriage to be healed. Or more likely, it'll do both of those things, as it did for me. I just found my heart breaking over the statistics and views on marriage in our culture, my generation in particular and have felt an increased burden to pray for healing for my generation, not just myself.
It's not about finding the "perfect person" or our 'soul mate' as far as compatibility goes. And once you're married, it's not about that honeymoon image of your spouse that has to remain or else you consider chucking the whole thing. [For the record, Keller does not say physical attraction and compatibility aren't concerns, but that there's deeper attraction and purpose to marriage.] Marriage is about committing to a person (yes, with a certificate) who you are choosing to join in the process in their becoming like Christ, and what's more, you're excited and humbled by that opportunity.
But then, the most personally convicting for the "now", and back to the Gospel-centric message. As I've read, I've been overwhelmed by God's grace to me. I accepted Christ as my Savior at 5 on my parents' bed in the tiny apartment we lived in in between houses. With 23 years in between, it is SO easy to forget the joy of your initial salvation, especially with the distractions and nitty gritty of life. This book is reminding me anew and blowing me away by God's grace and love toward me. And it's challenging me on just how well I love others. It's reminding me of my call and purpose to love others. To be *for* them, as Christ is *for* me. And that includes when it's not convenient or easy.
So singles, marrieds, read this book! This is a vision and an unpacking of marriage that is biblical and people could rally around. (less)

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Feb 03, 2012 Linda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Tim Keller never ceases to amaze me with his prolific works and his profound insight into marriage. Accompanied by his wife, Kathy Keller, this book will now be deemed by me as the holy grail of marriage books due to the brilliance of painting a picture of marriage that is glorious, joyous, heartwrenching, and sanctifying, which is what God intended marriage to be.

One of my favorite passages on marriage is in the chapter called The Mission of Marriage.

In marriage, each person says to the other,...more Tim Keller never ceases to amaze me with his prolific works and his profound insight into marriage. Accompanied by his wife, Kathy Keller, this book will now be deemed by me as the holy grail of marriage books due to the brilliance of painting a picture of marriage that is glorious, joyous, heartwrenching, and sanctifying, which is what God intended marriage to be.

One of my favorite passages on marriage is in the chapter called The Mission of Marriage.

In marriage, each person says to the other, " I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be."

If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.

When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in their wedding finery, they realize they're not just playing dress up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot and blemish. And they hope to hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You have sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and with thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant"

Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by products of this process of sanctification, refinement, glorification. Those things are important, but they can't keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life. What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse's holiness. Your committed to his or her beauty. You're committed to his greatness and perfection. You're committed to her honesty and passion for the things of God. That's your job as a spouse. Any lesser goal that that, any smaller purpose, and you're just playing at being married.(less)

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Dec 04, 2011 Angela Kantola rated it 4 of 5 stars

The authors very effectively cut through the froth found in so many marriage books and modern marriage "advice." I've appreciated some of Keller's other writing and this book makes me want to read more of his work. Favorite quotes include:

p. 15-16 "...what marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be."

p. 33. "Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this crea...more

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Feb 09, 2013 Stever rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: No one

Recommended to Stever by: Atlantic Monthly article

Would this book be helpful to some couples? I hope so. It is not one of the good marriage books on the shelves today. Keller bases this entire book, of course, on Ephesians 5:21-33. Yet he says not one word about verse 33. Why not? Also, why would a pastor devoting many Sunday sermons to this best Institution of all ignore what Peter says in IPeter 3? Does Peter simply echo Paul's words? If so, why not throw in some extra weight behind your interpretation, pastor? If Peter says something a bit d...more

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May 29, 2012 Alvera rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: worth-rereading

I chose this book as I found myself swimming in a sea of conflicting emotions and thoughts after having been proposed to and answering with a resounding "maybe". I found it to be well-thought-out and scripturally sound. Interestingly enough, I found the beginning chapters more thought-provoking and helpful than the later ones, despite the fact that chapters on singleness and sex were reserved for the end. I think I found the earlier chapters to be more clear and less ambiguous about their messag...more

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Mar 29, 2012 Michael Kenan Baldwin rated it 5 of 5 stars

One of the books of the year. The gospel is at the very center of this profound yet readable book, which makes it ripe for recommending to singles as well as those considering marriage, not to mention already-married couples. Some incredibly helpful and insightful practical wisdom in this book, off the back of very admirable honesty on behalf of Tim and Kathy Keller. Don't misunderstand me, though: this book is not about good advice...it is Good News!
It will really help you to see how marriage...more

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Oct 15, 2012 Vicky Hunt rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: vicky-s-favorites

Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
(the actual subtitle of the book, as my copy reads)

I enjoyed this book mostly because it didn't take the traditional tactic of concentrating so much on how difficult marriage is, or how much hard work it is, that the reader can't see the happiness to be found in marriage. The biggest problem with the book, in my opinion, is the view of singleness. Though Keller claims to be able to minister effectively to singles, it doesn't happen th...more Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
(the actual subtitle of the book, as my copy reads)

I enjoyed this book mostly because it didn't take the traditional tactic of concentrating so much on how difficult marriage is, or how much hard work it is, that the reader can't see the happiness to be found in marriage. The biggest problem with the book, in my opinion, is the view of singleness. Though Keller claims to be able to minister effectively to singles, it doesn't happen through this book. He refers to long-term singleness as a gift, yet still manages to treat it like the result of a flawed personality. Of course, we all know how flawed humans can be, married or single.

Keller does a remarkable job of showing how the natural and the supernatural come together to create a true marriage of souls, that are bound by a "secret thread." This secret thread is from the book "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis, who says makes people good friends: "You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling...of that something which you were born desiring?"

Using this idea of connected souls, Keller shows how "Christian marriages" make the most solid marriages. He makes such a point of this, that the couples who are not Christian find this problematic. Since, his book is based on this foundational concept, and everything else is summarized in the other reviews I see here, I will concentrate on this point.Therefore, you may consider what follows a spoiler. Your call. (view spoiler)[

The first few chapters are really the most straightforward, and deal with such things as the statistics on marriage, divorce, and cohabitation in America today. It's not really until chapter 4 that Keller explains that because the richest and most rewarding relationships are those which combine the natural and supernatural, non-believers can not be joined in every facet of their being. He points out that by both partners being followers of Christ, they have both made heaven their goal. They are heading in the same direction. They have the same hopes and dreams. They share an intimate spiritual bond like no other. He also points out that non-believers don't really have a "place" they are headed, other than perhaps certain financial goals, or family defined plans limited to this life. These goals will eventually be met, as in the empty nest for example, (or worse, not met) and then things often fall apart because they may no longer have a common goal to work toward. Believers are truly unified in the goal of heaven. He makes the statement that, "Those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers." To me this is much like the idea of parallel travelers on a highway. Their souls may be side by side at the moment on the path, but they aren't truly at one with a common goal. They may split when their destinations divide.
Keller addresses the practice of living together very well. He points out that when you only live together without a marriage covenant, then you haven't truly merged your life with your partner's life. You are not one in every sense. There is always the fact there that there is some way in which you do not meet up to the other's standards well enough for them to decide they want to keep you forever. There is always the open escape route. Marriage is intended to join two people as one. They have not been joined in every aspect. They are withholding from each other in important areas of themselves.

Other important ideas are shared, such as the following:
1. Marriage has 3 (super)powers that will solve problems within the marriage: love, truth, & grace.
2. Marriage puts pressure on you through the familiarity of long relationship, like nothing else can do. It reveals the best and worst in your character. It allows you to grow and become a better person through the love, truth, and grace provided by your partner.
3. Marriage has the benefit of erasing all past hurts and pains, inflicted by other people. (Remember how Joseph said that God had made him forget all the pain of his father's house through his marriage and child?) Keller points out that the love and affirmation of your spouse has the power to heal you of your deepest wounds. Love has the power to redeem the past. Your heart, says Keller, may condemn you, but your spouse's opinion is greater than your heart. He uses a quote from Sam in The Lord of the Rings to point out that to be highly esteemed by someone you highly esteem is the greatest thing in the world.

I found the book helpful, and do recommend it to others. I listened to the audio version on Audible.com (hide spoiler)](less)

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May 11, 2012 David Morris rated it 4 of 5 stars

Really good book on marriage, but also had me torn between loving it and wondering about its value. Keller is a great social commentator, brilliant ability to analyze. Three most helpful takeaways:

1. Marriage is a covenant. "Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day." p. 109

2. Marriage is a friendship. Great stuff on the spiritual, sanctifying nature of marriage friendship. Puts primary emphasis here, even in dating.

3. Personal fulfillment or plea...more

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Nov 30, 2011 Brian rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian, marriage

"Some people ask who they are and expect their feelings to to tell them, but feelings are flickering flames that fade after every fitful stimulus. Some people ask who they are and expect their achievements to tell them, but the things we accomplish always leave a core of character unrevealed. Some people ask who they are and expect visions of their ideal self to tell them, but our visions can only tell us what we want to be, not what we are."

There is little doubt that you will not see the error...more

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Jan 28, 2012 Angela rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian

This book is as much for singles (if not moreso) as it is for those already married. Some excerpts I highlighted:

"Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for."

"Some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love, and consolation - a 'hav...more

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Jan 16, 2012 Andrea rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: religion

This book was a great encouragement to me. Keller discusses not only the problems with the current cultural paradigm of marriage as based solely on human feelings and self-fulfillment, but also some of the errors in contemporary Christian views of marriage. Keller uses statistical evidence on the benefits of remaining married and the level of personal satisfaction, mental health etc. that can be attained through working at a mediocre marriage rather than searching for fulfillment through divorce...more

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Oct 31, 2012 Melora rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was good, but really I rate it at three and a half stars. If I had read this twenty-five years ago, when I was twenty-two, it would probably have been a life-changing, "five star" book. At this point, though, I've learned through experience much of what Keller is teaching.

I chose to read this partly because I recently read and Loved his Generous Justice, and partly because I hoped to pick up some ideas for strengthening my (already happy) marriage. The comparison with Generous Justice didn...more

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Apr 20, 2012 Ruben rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian-books

This definitely has to be one of the greatest resources on marriage that I have ever read or seen in all the years that I have been walking with the Lord. I'm not married, but I feel like this book has been a source of help already. From the statistics at the beginning of the book, to the clear Biblical definitions of what marriage is, why marriage exists, the roles within marriage, and how everything comes together and is held together in God, Timothy Keller writes in a clear and down to earth...more

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Feb 16, 2012 Chuck Bonadies rated it 5 of 5 stars

Let me begin with a confession: I'm not a big fan of books on marriage. Not that I don't think that marriage is important. On the contrary, it is ordained of God. My contention is that most modern books on marriage make little contribution to the subject (other than saying things in a slightly different manner than the others)and almost all of them ascribe to the 'mutual needs fallacy' ("If you respect him, he will love you. And the reason she doesn't respect you is because you are not loving he...more

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Apr 29, 2013 Mark Nenadov rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: marriage, christian-living

I enjoyed it quite a bit. I found it a very helpful treatment of the why, how, and whats of marriage from a Christian perspective.

In his review of the book, Tim Challies said "It must be intimidating to write a book on marriage". Challies is right. It takes a lot of guts to write a book on marriage. There are already so many voices out there speaking on this subject. And there are so many strong feelings and personal histories that people bring to the table when it comes to this subject!

Tim and...more

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Dec 15, 2011 Joshua Reitano rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: newlweds, engaged couples, singles interested in marriage

The title of the book describes with accuracy it's purpose: Tim and Kathy Keller set out to explain the meaning of marriage. Keller pastors a church in Manhattan, largely composed of singles. This book was born out of explaining the Biblical concept of marriage to unmarried men and women, many of whom had no Biblical foundation and very little desire to seek out marriage.

Unlike other Christian devotional books on marriage, Keller offers an apologetic for the Christian view of marriage, and for t...more

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Nov 30, 2011 Alissagraham rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is a book that presents the realities and purposes of a marriage in a compelling, helpful, and most importantly, biblical light. Tim and Kathy make compelling points and do not sugar coat.

I think many books border on not wanting to share the difficult aspects of marriage in fear of turning off a generation already balking at the thought of commitment. This book provides a VERY helpful treatment on "the complexities of marriage" by looking through the lens of the gospel for redemption.

This...more

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Jan 25, 2013 Sarah Badders rated it 5 of 5 stars

So, a friend of mine said she had read this really good book and wanted to talk to someone about it but no one else wanted to read it, so, since reading books and talking about them is pretty much my favorite thing in the entire world, I said (very excitedly) "I'll read it! What is it!?"
I'm super glad that I agreed to read it before I knew what it was, because I don't know if I would have read it otherwise. This was hardly a book about marriage (though of course it addresses it plenty). So much...more

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Dec 29, 2011 Herb Hunter rated it 5 of 5 stars

Keller has entered the crowded world of books written on the subject of marriage. His book however, is not to be considered "just another book on marriage" using insights into culture and to the Word, Keller argues persuasively and powerfully for the importance of marriage. What I appreciated were the arguments against things like casual/premarital sex. What I perhaps did not appreciate so much was Keller's constant use of "studies" and writers on the subject of marriage. This book is not an exe...more

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About Timothy Keller

Dr. Timothy Keller is founder and pastor of New York’s Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan. Over the past 20 years, the church has grown to five services at three sites, with a weekly attendance of over 5,000. Named one of the Top 25 Most Influential Churches in America, Keller’s ministry is notable not only for winning over New Yorkers who are skeptical to faith, but also for its missional...more

More about Timothy Keller...

Books by Timothy Keller

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism

The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith

Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters

King's Cross: The Story of the World in the Life of Jesus

Generous Justice: How God's Grace Makes Us Just

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“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” — 54 people liked it

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” — 32 people liked it

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