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13th out of 196 books
—
255 voters
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by
Alfie Kohn
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, "What do kids need -- and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working wit...more
Paperback, 272 pages
Published
March 28th 2006
by Atria Books
(first published 2005)
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This was an amazing book. The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids. It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn't always a good thing, but the author's logic, conclusions, and recommendations (all backed up by research) are rather persuasive.
I will...more
I will...more
I didn't want to like this book.
What is it about “gentle” parenting types that makes them so obnoxious? Why does the phrase “unconditional parenting” make me want to hurl? Why do “lactivists” make me want to offer their children Dr. Pepper in a baby bottle?
But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with??
I think it’s the strident “mommier-than-thou” tone of a lot of attachment/gentle/natural...more
What is it about “gentle” parenting types that makes them so obnoxious? Why does the phrase “unconditional parenting” make me want to hurl? Why do “lactivists” make me want to offer their children Dr. Pepper in a baby bottle?
But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with??
I think it’s the strident “mommier-than-thou” tone of a lot of attachment/gentle/natural...more
26 likes · like · see review
I think a lot of Kohn's work really comes down to examining intrinsic vs extrinsic motivations. I mostly agree with him but not to his full extent. I still believe in logical consequences and think extrinsic motivations are inevitable and can be useful (in small doses). Still, this book gives interesting theory, and I think most importantly, makes you really examine on a deeper level what you hope your children grow up to be like. I know I want my son to be a life long learner (vs learning how t...more
Wow.
And not in a good way.
Before I give you more details on my review, let me give you some of my background.
I have a 6-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. I also have a BS in Psych and a Masters in Ed Psych. I study behavior and psychology as a hobby as well as use it in my freelance writing career. I read pop psych books like others devour romance novels or baseball statistics (check out my Social Media reading list or my behavioral economics list for my favorite books in these areas).
To...more
And not in a good way.
Before I give you more details on my review, let me give you some of my background.
I have a 6-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. I also have a BS in Psych and a Masters in Ed Psych. I study behavior and psychology as a hobby as well as use it in my freelance writing career. I read pop psych books like others devour romance novels or baseball statistics (check out my Social Media reading list or my behavioral economics list for my favorite books in these areas).
To...more
17 likes · like · see review
I largely agree with this book's argument--that punishments (including time out and subtler "love-withdrawal" reactions) and even rewards (including a constant stream of "good job!" used to push children into doing/being/wanting what you want them to do/be/want or what is convenient for the adults around them) are really problematic and probably not even effective in gaining compliance ... if you really, in your heart, want "compliance." I don't like the whole concept of discipline and have been...more
2 likes · like · see review
The concept of unconditional parenting appeals to me, the idea that we love our kids unconditionally: whether they behave, throw a tantrum, do (or don’t do) well in school. Kohn debunks many popular discipline strategies including time-outs, positive reinforcement and praise, reward systems, and punishment. Instead he offers thirteen parenting techniques that help parents to honor their kids and to treat them as if they like them rather than are in charge of them. He also challenges parents to c...more
6 likes · like · see review
Oct 25, 2007
Taylor
rated it
5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for:
Parents - all of them.
Shelves:
non-fiction,
parenting
I have to give this book a wholehearted recommendation. It took me about a week to read it and caused what I can say was my first real "I'm-not-the-awesome-parent-I-thought-I-was" crisis. Which was so good for me. What if everything that you take for grated about parenting (time-outs, stickers for toilet training, praise and accolades) might actually be hurting your relationship with your child, or even your child him/herself?? Alfie Kohn says that these traditional punishment and reward systems...more
This book changed my life! It completely restructured my parenting paradigm, and I am now feel passionate about this message.
Our culture has borne a generation of "praise junkies" - children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment. True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modification...but do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov's dogs?
In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common...more
Our culture has borne a generation of "praise junkies" - children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment. True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modification...but do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov's dogs?
In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common...more
This book is one of the standards of positive parenting, and I beleive it was Kohn who coined the phrase, "Praise Junkie", which appears in this book.
The basic premise of his philosophy is that running around applauding our children for every little thing they do teaches them not only to expect praise for everything, but also that if we aren't praising them immediately, they must be doing something wrong. Thus our love must be conditional.
My favorite idea was that the constant "good job" assumes...more
The basic premise of his philosophy is that running around applauding our children for every little thing they do teaches them not only to expect praise for everything, but also that if we aren't praising them immediately, they must be doing something wrong. Thus our love must be conditional.
My favorite idea was that the constant "good job" assumes...more
4 likes · like · see review
As both a parent and a teacher, I think this is one of the most important books I will read. I think I will return to it again and again to remind myself to keep the ultimate goals for my child (and for my relationship with my child) in mind. Kohn turns conventional "wisdom" about "discipline" on its head. He asserts that a "working with" approach, rather than the more traditional "doing to" approach, more effectively reaches the goal of a sensitive, caring and independent child. His questioning...more
Well-researched and convincing (although I didn't really need convincing, just more information and backup). Takes the concept deeper and to a level that it is useful to the whole family. NOT prescriptive. Refreshingly NOT anecdotal (except for a few, but not like most parenting books). Ties in nicely with the democratic schooling we're looking into.
I went through a period of time where I read a million and one parenting books. This one came highly recommended from a good friend (and cousin). I found that it lacked practicality and weighed heavily on scare tactics (ie: you're going to permanently damage and ruin your child if you do X, Y, & Z, but then never gave examples of what you should do in these situations). And I had a hard time with the fact that it claimed you can only love your child unconditionally if you fit their mold.
On...more
On...more
5 likes · like · see review
This was an amazing book. The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids. It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn't always a good thing, but the author's logic, conclusions, and recommendations (all backed up by research) are rather persuasive.
I will...more
I will...more
1 like · like · see review
The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.[return][return]This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?" T...more
6 likes · like · see review
What attracted me to this book is its title "Unconditional Parenting" as I believe that child-rearing should be unconditional whereby parents should give all the love they can give to their children. In addition, as this book has a 4 stars and above rating, I decided to read it. (Prior to this, I have read several other parenting books.)
What I didn't like about this book are:
- I was put off by the first half of this book, mainly because of the tone (authoritarian like or omniscient like) of the...more
What I didn't like about this book are:
- I was put off by the first half of this book, mainly because of the tone (authoritarian like or omniscient like) of the...more
Interesting read! Kohn believes that punishments and rewards are essentially immoral tools we use to get kids to do what we want them to do. He believes children should be respected, and that they should never worry that their actions will cause us to love them less or that they have to earn our love. According to Kohn, punishments and rewards are opposite sides of the same coin, which isn't worth a whole lot. However, Kohn refrains from offering many alternatives to the use of punishments and r...more
This is the best book I've read so far on child rearing. I wish I could buy a copy for all my friends with toddlers right now. The basic premise is that by rewarding or punishing a child in the interest of getting them to behave the way you want is counter productive. If we punish, the child thinks, "what's going to happen to me if I hit my brother" rather than "how will my brother feel if I hit him. If we reward the child, they think, "what will I get out of sharing with my friend" rather than,...more
Very interesting book to read.
Kohn presents a lot of data at the start of the book to really encourage thinking about what traditional parenting looks like and the effects it has on children. After going over all the data - which suggests we are mostly conditional parenting and that is unhealthy for our children, he discusses how to be unconditional.
I admit, I wasn't prepared to read all the data. Some of it was very eye opening really made me think. I just reached a point where I didn't want to...more
Kohn presents a lot of data at the start of the book to really encourage thinking about what traditional parenting looks like and the effects it has on children. After going over all the data - which suggests we are mostly conditional parenting and that is unhealthy for our children, he discusses how to be unconditional.
I admit, I wasn't prepared to read all the data. Some of it was very eye opening really made me think. I just reached a point where I didn't want to...more
Apr 14, 2012
Christine
rated it
3 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Shelves:
adult-and-ya,
parenting
I found this to be the most thought-provoking of the parenting books that I have read because Kohn's approach to parenting is so different from that recommended by most other books, and I have not known many (or any) parents who use these methods regularly. On the whole, I find Kohn's philosophy to be very compelling --- that we should move away from punishments and rewards and toward teaching children with respect, reason, and the modelling of moral behavior. I loved the emphasis on teaching ch...more
I find myself thinking about this book a lot. My husband is sick of it. There is much to consider here that does challenge traditional parenting views. I appreciate a lot of his suggestions, like giving your child the benefit of the doubt, trying to use reason, and asking your child questions. I also like his point about "Don't be in a hurry." Some of it, however, makes me frustrated and guilt-ridden, and I flat-out disagree with other things (like Kohn's anti-competitive sports, and his sneerin...more
1 like · like · see review
This is a fantastic book! Kohn makes a very compelling case for why punishment/rewards models of parenting are ineffective, and he decent - although not philosophically rigorous - case that conditional parenting is immoral (as a Christian this makes complete sense - after all, what is justification by faith alone except the offer of unconditional love?).
Kohn spends about 5 chapters discussing the problems with conditional parenting (a term describing the punishment/reward model), citing psycholo...more
Kohn spends about 5 chapters discussing the problems with conditional parenting (a term describing the punishment/reward model), citing psycholo...more
This is the best parenting book I've read. I highly recommend it to parents but be forewarned,the advice contained boldly flies in the face of conventional wisdom about discipline. Alfie Kohn (a well respected national educator and parent himself) urges parents to move away from manipulating kids to behave using rewards and punishments. He focuses instead on methods that include working "with" children (as opposed to "doing to"). He puts the child and his/her needs first and describes parenting...more
This book is not a "how-to" kind of parenting book. If anything it is a "don't do that!!!" kind of book. While I did not agree with all of his ideas, I did find that Kohn gave me the chance to think about how I parent, what my goals as a parent are, and the effects that my actions and words may be having on my children. His attempt to address the Bible's teaching on unconditional love and parenting (thankfully only a few pages) was atrocious. Please do us all a favor and try READING the Bible be...more
One of the most important things our children need to know is that they are unconditionally loved.
The way we parent them can either tell them they are loved unconditionally or not. Although we may insist that we love them unconditionally, do they get that message from the way we treat them? When we punish them, what kind of message do they recieve - that they we love them less? When we reward them for being "good", do they recieve the message that they are only worth loving when they do "good t...more
The way we parent them can either tell them they are loved unconditionally or not. Although we may insist that we love them unconditionally, do they get that message from the way we treat them? When we punish them, what kind of message do they recieve - that they we love them less? When we reward them for being "good", do they recieve the message that they are only worth loving when they do "good t...more
I turned to this book because I felt like all the conventional parenting techniques, like time out and incentive charts, just were not working. At all. Kohn makes a strong argument against using rewards and punishments because they are a system to control kids behavior. I don't remember all the technical jargon, but something like they are motivated by extrinsic instead of intrinsic factors. This book will make you seriously consider your goals as a parent and what is the best method to achieve...more
Alfie Kohn's condemnation of popular parenting techniques with verbiage like "love withdrawal" (timeouts) makes me nauseous. BUT... I strive to be the calm and thoughtful type of parent Kohn presents in this book. I get frustrated by reward/punishment systems, and even more frustrated by myself when I break down and use them. I try to be honest and explain why we're not going to have another cookie (they're not all gone) or go to the toy store (which is not closed). Kohn focuses on developing th...more
This book is a great read for anyone who is interested in the psychology behind the idea of unconditional parenting. While it's not classically a parenting book (and by that I mean a book that offers step-by-step instructions on raising your children), Unconditional Parenting goes a long way to helping parents change their perspective on how they're interacting with their children.
One of my favorite aspects of the book is the constant reminder that it's not how we feel about the way we raise our...more
One of my favorite aspects of the book is the constant reminder that it's not how we feel about the way we raise our...more
I really appreciated that this book was not full of anecdotes and "because I say so." Instead, Kohn uses a wide range of research studies that have been conducted over the years (that had nothing to do with his writing a book), along with his personal observations.
I think there is a time and season for many different approaches to parenting, and this one came to me at the right season. I warn anyone who reads it, however, that you will find yourself getting very defensive as you start; I encoura...more
I think there is a time and season for many different approaches to parenting, and this one came to me at the right season. I warn anyone who reads it, however, that you will find yourself getting very defensive as you start; I encoura...more
3 1/2 stars. SUPER IMPORTANT IDEAS but... nothing new for me. I guess I already learned this stuff from Nathaniel Branden and Magda Gerber. I prefer the way Gerber explains these ideas--unconditional respect works better for me that unconditional love. I don't think love is the right word to get this type of parenting idea across. Love is an emotion that should be authentic, not forced or faked. Showing respect to all people, regardless of age on the other hand, that sounds good.
This book is 2 s...more
This book is 2 s...more
I didn't want to like this book. I thought it would be another self-righteous book all about how you should give your child everything they want or you'll scar them for life. But I actually did like it quite a bit and agreed with most of the author's conclusions about discipline, on a philosophical level. The author was mostly not too self-righteous and acknowledged up front how hard and complicated parenting can be. Essentially the book has two main points:
- Punishment (whether of the corporal...more
- Punishment (whether of the corporal...more
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Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. The author of eleven books and scores of articles, he lectures at education conferences and universities as well as to parent groups and corporations.
Kohn's criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as "perhaps the country's most outspoken...more
More about Alfie Kohn...
Kohn's criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as "perhaps the country's most outspoken...more
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“In short, with each of the thousand-and-one problems that present themselves in family life, our choice is between controlling and teaching, between creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping children to learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind that's focused on long-term goals.”
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Aug 01, 2010 08:33am