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Jan 21, 2009

Jeanine70 rated it:

I didn't want to like this book.

What is it about “gentle” parenting types that makes them so obnoxious? Why does the phrase “unconditional parenting” make me want to hurl? Why do “lactivists” make me want to offer their children Dr. Pepper in a baby bottle?

But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with??

I think it’s the strident “mommier-than-thou” tone o More...

7 comments like (18 people liked it)

Nov 18, 2011

Sarah added it

I think a lot of Kohn's work really comes down to examining intrinsic vs extrinsic motivations. I mostly agree with him but not to his full extent. I still believe in logical consequences and think extrinsic motivations are inevitable and can be useful (in small doses). Still, this book gives interesting theory, and I think most importantly, makes you really examine on a deeper level what you hope your children grow up to be like. I know I want my son to be a life long learner (vs learning how t More...

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Jul 02, 2008

Sonya rated it:

The concept of unconditional parenting appeals to me, the idea that we love our kids unconditionally: whether they behave, throw a tantrum, do (or don’t do) well in school. Kohn debunks many popular discipline strategies including time-outs, positive reinforcement and praise, reward systems, and punishment. Instead he offers thirteen parenting techniques that help parents to honor their kids and to treat them as if they like them rather than are in charge of them. He also challenges parents to c More...

0 comments like (5 people liked it)

Aug 01, 2010

Rachael rated it:

This was an amazing book. The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids. It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn't always a good thing, but the author's logic, conclusions, and recommendations (all backed up by research) are rather persuasive.
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1 comment like (2 people liked it)

Dec 17, 2009

Taylor rated it:

I have to give this book a wholehearted recommendation. It took me about a week to read it and caused what I can say was my first real "I'm-not-the-awesome-parent-I-thought-I-was" crisis. Which was so good for me. What if everything that you take for grated about parenting (time-outs, stickers for toilet training, praise and accolades) might actually be hurting your relationship with your child, or even your child him/herself?? Alfie Kohn says that these traditional punishment and rewa More...

0 comments like (3 people liked it)

Dec 16, 2009

Amy rated it:

This book changed my life! It completely restructured my parenting paradigm, and I am now feel passionate about this message.

Our culture has borne a generation of "praise junkies" - children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment. True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modification...but do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov's dogs?

In this book, Kohn discusses the pe More...

0 comments like (4 people liked it)

Dec 16, 2009

Elizabeth rated it:

This book is one of the standards of positive parenting, and I beleive it was Kohn who coined the phrase, "Praise Junkie", which appears in this book.
The basic premise of his philosophy is that running around applauding our children for every little thing they do teaches them not only to expect praise for everything, but also that if we aren't praising them immediately, they must be doing something wrong. Thus our love must be conditional.

My favorite idea was that the More...

1 comment like (4 people liked it)

Apr 15, 2008

Stefanie rated it:

As both a parent and a teacher, I think this is one of the most important books I will read. I think I will return to it again and again to remind myself to keep the ultimate goals for my child (and for my relationship with my child) in mind. Kohn turns conventional "wisdom" about "discipline" on its head. He asserts that a "working with" approach, rather than the more traditional "doing to" approach, more effectively reaches the goal of a sensitive, carin More...

0 comments like (5 people liked it)

Mar 24, 2009

Natalie rated it:

Well-researched and convincing (although I didn't really need convincing, just more information and backup). Takes the concept deeper and to a level that it is useful to the whole family. NOT prescriptive. Refreshingly NOT anecdotal (except for a few, but not like most parenting books). Ties in nicely with the democratic schooling we're looking into.

0 comments like (2 people liked it)

May 14, 2008

Natalieb rated it:

I went through a period of time where I read a million and one parenting books. This one came highly recommended from a good friend (and cousin). I found that it lacked practicality and weighed heavily on scare tactics (ie: you're going to permanently damage and ruin your child if you do X, Y, & Z, but then never gave examples of what you should do in these situations). And I had a hard time with the fact that it claimed you can only love your child unconditionally if you fit their mold.
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0 comments like (5 people liked it)

Feb 27, 2009

fMh Artemis rated it:

This was an amazing book. The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids. It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn't always a good thing, but the author's logic, conclusions, and recommendations (all backed up by research) are rather persuasive.
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1 comment like (1 person liked it)

Jan 19, 2009

Kelly rated it:

The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.[return][return]This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you More...

1 comment like (5 people liked it)

May 27, 2011

Sara rated it:

I find myself thinking about this book a lot. My husband is sick of it. There is much to consider here that does challenge traditional parenting views. I appreciate a lot of his suggestions, like giving your child the benefit of the doubt, trying to use reason, and asking your child questions. I also like his point about "Don't be in a hurry." Some of it, however, makes me frustrated and guilt-ridden, and I flat-out disagree with other things (like Kohn's anti-competitive sports, More...

3 comments like

May 23, 2011

Aeisele rated it:

This is a fantastic book! Kohn makes a very compelling case for why punishment/rewards models of parenting are ineffective, and he decent - although not philosophically rigorous - case that conditional parenting is immoral (as a Christian this makes complete sense - after all, what is justification by faith alone except the offer of unconditional love?).

Kohn spends about 5 chapters discussing the problems with conditional parenting (a term describing the punishment/reward model), citin More...

0 comments like

Apr 09, 2011

Mary Ann rated it:

This is the best parenting book I've read. I highly recommend it to parents but be forewarned,the advice contained boldly flies in the face of conventional wisdom about discipline. Alfie Kohn (a well respected national educator and parent himself) urges parents to move away from manipulating kids to behave using rewards and punishments. He focuses instead on methods that include working "with" children (as opposed to "doing to"). He puts the child and his/her needs first a More...

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Feb 15, 2011

Janelle rated it:

This book is not a "how-to" kind of parenting book. If anything it is a "don't do that!!!" kind of book. While I did not agree with all of his ideas, I did find that Kohn gave me the chance to think about how I parent, what my goals as a parent are, and the effects that my actions and words may be having on my children. His attempt to address the Bible's teaching on unconditional love and parenting (thankfully only a few pages) was atrocious. Please do us all a favor and try More...

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

Dec 10, 2009

Sophie rated it:

One of the most important things our children need to know is that they are unconditionally loved.

The way we parent them can either tell them they are loved unconditionally or not. Although we may insist that we love them unconditionally, do they get that message from the way we treat them? When we punish them, what kind of message do they recieve - that they we love them less? When we reward them for being "good", do they recieve the message that they are only worth lov More...

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Oct 01, 2009

Erin rated it:

I turned to this book because I felt like all the conventional parenting techniques, like time out and incentive charts, just were not working. At all. Kohn makes a strong argument against using rewards and punishments because they are a system to control kids behavior. I don't remember all the technical jargon, but something like they are motivated by extrinsic instead of intrinsic factors. This book will make you seriously consider your goals as a parent and what is the best method to achi More...

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Mar 05, 2010

Emily rated it:

Thought-provoking read. A great deal of what Mr. Kohn says about raising children dovetails well with my recent reading on motivation (Drive by Daniel H. Pink) as well as a couple of other parenting approaches I espouse (The Baby Whisperer and Love & Logic), though Mr. Kohn frowns on natural consequences and any other measure that could in any light be deemed even slightly "punitive" on the basis that it makes the child feel that our love is "conditional" on their behavior. More...

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Jan 20, 2011

Colleen rated it:

Alfie Kohn's condemnation of popular parenting techniques with verbiage like "love withdrawal" (timeouts) makes me nauseous. BUT... I strive to be the calm and thoughtful type of parent Kohn presents in this book. I get frustrated by reward/punishment systems, and even more frustrated by myself when I break down and use them. I try to be honest and explain why we're not going to have another cookie (they're not all gone) or go to the toy store (which is not closed). Kohn focuses on More...

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Sep 22, 2011

Alice rated it:

This book is a great read for anyone who is interested in the psychology behind the idea of unconditional parenting. While it's not classically a parenting book (and by that I mean a book that offers step-by-step instructions on raising your children), Unconditional Parenting goes a long way to helping parents change their perspective on how they're interacting with their children.

One of my favorite aspects of the book is the constant reminder that it's not how we feel about the way More...

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Jan 11, 2011

Shannon rated it:

I really appreciated that this book was not full of anecdotes and "because I say so." Instead, Kohn uses a wide range of research studies that have been conducted over the years (that had nothing to do with his writing a book), along with his personal observations.

I think there is a time and season for many different approaches to parenting, and this one came to me at the right season. I warn anyone who reads it, however, that you will find yourself getting very defensive a More...

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Apr 26, 2010

Rebecca rated it:

This is a pretty frustrating book because there are kernels of some admirable parenting goals here couched in some of the judgiest, holier-than-thou writing I've read so far and that's saying something in the world of parenting books. I agree that it's far better to raise a child with intrinsic motivation to do right/succeed/whatever than to raise one who is only in it for the reward/avoidance of punishment. I agree that children should be respected as autonomous beings (note: not miniature adul More...

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Jul 28, 2010

Hannah rated it:

I was already pretty anti-punishment and anti-prizes-for-achievement, but I was blown away by the critical discussion of positive reinforcement. This whole philosophy seems so intuitive and so in line with how I generally interact with other human beings, and it is a relief to have some reassurance that you can be a parent, and a damn good one, without having to resort to screaming or time-outs.

That said, I'm at a bit of a loss for how to actually *do* this. True to his anti-top-do More...

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Feb 05, 2012

Erika rated it:

I'm working my way through this one, and I do agree with the concept behind it. His philosophy is very much in line with what I believe and already do in parenting my girls. However, his tone has a way of making me feel like I am dooming them to be maladjusted adults, because I don't follow what he says to the letter. He comes across very dogmatic. I think there is a lot more grey area than he lets on. Like everything else, I am reading this with a grain of salt.

I was raised using man More...

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May 10, 2009

Beth A. rated it:

I recently read Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards The Trouble With Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A'S, Praise, and Other Bribes, and I decided to follow up with this one.

Kohn believes that using punishments, or rewards, communicate the idea that parents love their children when they do what we want them to do, and we don’t love them when they don’t do what we want. He believes children are being restricted unnecessarily for politeness or to make the parent look good. He believes that More...

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Feb 21, 2011

Elizabeth rated it:

I'm reading this now, but can say with total confidence that if you read NO other parenting book, read this one. Alfie, in his usual grounded and undefiable wisdom, just puts it all out there - what is it that we want for our children, really? and how does what we do every day, in each moment, support that goal? What does it mean to say that a child is "good"? and is obedience really what we want? or is it for our child to be fully who s/he is? (there's a right answer to that one) an More...

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May 16, 2011

Tracy rated it:

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a book that will challenge one's thinking on the current methods of parenting--it certainly did mine. And though there are many comments that Kohn seems to make simply to shock his readers, there is truth in what he writes, and I am so glad a friend of mine recommended this book to me now, as I am just beginning the journey of parenthood.

UP made me realize that I am a product of conditional parenting (as well as conditional teaching), not by More...

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Feb 25, 2009

Darcy rated it:

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here

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Sep 26, 2009

Ali rated it:

There is much to say about this book, but I will sum up:

1) It will make you think about your approach and philosophy and whether you are being the parent you want to be
2) It will remind you to think of a situation from the kid's perspective
3) Kohn's platitudes are impossible to apply in some situations and he rarely offers much specific guidance
4) I almost completely disagree on his thinking about competitive sports
5) I disagree that a "time-out" is More...

0 comments like (1 person liked it)

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