Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe Darger

Mar 30, 2012 Annalisa rated it 3 of 5 stars

Recommended to Annalisa by: Dixie

Shelves: book-club, memoir-biography

Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution.

Just to set the reco...more Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution.

Just to set the record state, Utah doesn't actively prosecute polygamous families. If there are cases of underage marriages, neglect, and child abuse, then absolutely will the law going to get involved, but between consenting adults, they generally live and let life. As persecuted as the Dargers felt for being investigated for neglect, I think the state had every right to investigate them when the warning signs were there for neglect. Had they not investigated and something else happen, there would be a public outcry. (view spoiler)

I took issue with a few statements in the book, mostly with them calling polygamy and celestial marriage one and the same. According to the Mormon faith, celestial marriage means you are married for "time and all eternity," meaning forever, not just until "death do us part." But Fundamentalist Mormons believe it has to do with polygamy, and only when you are living polygamy are you living celestial marriage. They say they claim the Mormon faith even though the Mormon church doesn't claim them, but they conflict on major doctrine. Though they say they don't judge people who decide against polygamy, the book had a bit of a time that they think they are better that they can live the higher law.

Even though there are parts of their story I'm sure we aren't hearing, it was nice to read about a polygamous lifestyle that works. From what little I've seen and read, it seems that most of them don't. They also tend toward poverty, welfare, under education, seclusion, and sometimes extreme living conditions(view spoiler). I liked reading about a family that incorporated their lifestyle into the modern world while standing up for what they believe and living it to the fullest. I don't know that I'd be able to stand so firm when my beliefs were against the law. It made me wonder if I've seen more polygamists than I've realized when so many are integrated into our society.

I did feel some sadness for them, not only for the jealousy and bickering sister wives can experience, but for the loneliness of independence they all feel, especially Joe. In that big and active of a household, while all the interactions must be very rewarding, it's always nice to have that one person in your corner that you know will absolutely have your back, there for you and only you. That one person that late at night you can whisper your deepest fears and secrets in pillow talk and open up to completely, about everything. The Dargers don't have that. Because Joe has that with three women, there's always something held back, from all of them. (I took issue with them continually advocating that they were monogamous. By definition, they are the opposite of it. I understand that they are trying to argue that there aren't relationships outside of the family unit and Joe is faithful to each of his wives, but he's not monogamous by a long shot.)

Polygamy is something that makes most people uncomfortable to see and discuss. It was an eye-opening read to get a look inside one. I kept thinking about about the Dargers when I wasn't reading about them. I could see all the benefits of the support system they have (while it's sad some of the persecution they had to endure, it's nice they have such a network of support at home to deal with it) but then I'd get thinking about it, and I still think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, I respect the Dargers for the sacrifices they've had to make to make their lifestyle work for them and glad that it's been rewarding for them.(less)

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Sep 29, 2011 Emily rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have rules in my life: #1 I never watch movies with robots (Transformers, Tron, etc) or that have sports as a central theme (Miracle, Remember the Titans, etc). I have never seen one that I enjoyed, so I've stopped wasting my time on them. Rule #2 I ALWAYS read a book if it is about either China or polygamy. Those are the two most fascinating subjects in the whole world, according to me. So, here's the deal: this book was about polygamy, but it was actually sort of boring. However, THAT WAS TH...more I have rules in my life: #1 I never watch movies with robots (Transformers, Tron, etc) or that have sports as a central theme (Miracle, Remember the Titans, etc). I have never seen one that I enjoyed, so I've stopped wasting my time on them. Rule #2 I ALWAYS read a book if it is about either China or polygamy. Those are the two most fascinating subjects in the whole world, according to me. So, here's the deal: this book was about polygamy, but it was actually sort of boring. However, THAT WAS THE POINT. The authors were trying to show that not all polygamous relationships are tumultuous like Carolyn Jessop's Escape. So, I don't fault them for writing about plain old boring daily life. Heck, if I wrote a book about my marriage you'd snooze through it. The funny thing was that I flew through this book, even though it was a snoozer, because I was desperate to turn the page and find some juicy nugget of polygamy. Never found one.

By the end of this book I came to a conclusion that completely shocked me. I never in a million years thought that I would say this: Why in the heck is polygamy illegal? I'm not saying that I would ever ever EVERRRRRRR consider this lifestyle for myself, nor do I even think it is a particularly good idea, but I don't think it should be illegal. How many dudes have babies by 3 or 4 women and do absolutely nothing to care for them? Because they never made a declaration of marriage, legal or not, they are not prosecuted even though they did, in essence, the same thing that a polygamist did, ie having children with more than one woman. However, many polygamist men take care of their women and children. They own up to it. They honor a commitment that they made. And these are the people who get locked up? Why not lock up the jerks that just want to 'get some' and then walk away? Why are those dudes off scott free? NOT FAIR I TELL YA!

The authors made an excellent point about abuse: there is not abuse in all polygamous marriages, the same way that there is not abuse in all monogamous marriages. I don't know why that never occurred to me.

This man did something that was unusual even in the world of polygamy: he dated two women at once. But not like he went on a date with one every other night. He went on dates with both of them at the same time, like a double date minus one dude. That just would not have worked for me. I'll admit it, while I was dating my husband there were a lot of "dates" in which we just made out. Yup, that was the planned activity of the night. Those were good dates. I cannot imagine having to plan out actual dates all the time because you couldn't just make out. It would have been exhausting.

Polygamy by force is something that makes me ill. Polygamy by choice is something that makes me say, "What in the hell?!" I kept looking at the cover as I read this. These women look so stylish and "normal". I've been eyeing everyone I see at the library, Walmart, etc, wondering if these completely normal people have made this seriously drastic lifestyle choice. I kind of want to just randomly ask people, "Excuse me. You look normal, so I was wondering if your husband has more that one wife. If so, could you tell me your thoughts?"(less)

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Sep 24, 2011 Virginia rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir, read-2011

Utterly fascinating! While I don't necessarily agree with the Dargers' lifestyle choices, (in terms of for myself), I definitely think they have the right to live as they do without threat of persecution. This book was so helpful in giving a glimpse of what their day to day life is like, as well as answering some of the more prurient questions on my mind.

I admire greatly their choices and how the Dargers', individually and as a family, navigate the practical as well as spiritual side to their li...more

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Jan 22, 2013 Kristin rated it 4 of 5 stars

I just finished this book. It is an insiders look at a "modern" polygamist family. Very interesting. I have to admit I liked the book and read it super fast. I think it would be a fantastic book club selection. SO.MUCH.TO.DISCUSS.

Polygamy is not something I have ever really wanted to think about let alone read about. I am LDS and I get annoyed by people who think that people who are LDS practice polygamy...we do not. We haven't for over 100 years and anyone who does is excommunicated. But still...more I just finished this book. It is an insiders look at a "modern" polygamist family. Very interesting. I have to admit I liked the book and read it super fast. I think it would be a fantastic book club selection. SO.MUCH.TO.DISCUSS.

Polygamy is not something I have ever really wanted to think about let alone read about. I am LDS and I get annoyed by people who think that people who are LDS practice polygamy...we do not. We haven't for over 100 years and anyone who does is excommunicated. But still it is there...lurking in the past. That said, my Great-Great Grandfather was a polygamist and I am a descendant of one of his plural wives, Jane. (After reading her life history it didn't sound like she was a happy plural wife but that it was a sacrifice that she made.) So while this practice makes me truly uncomfortable, I still am curious about how in the world people subscribe to and practice this lifestyle...especially in our day and age.

I have never seen the TV show Big Love that was inspired by this family because it was about...you know...polygamy and I was sure it was filled with all kinds of fallacies about the Mormon Church. But, somehow, I did start watching the train wreck that is the TV show Sister Wives. It is infinitely more intriguing to watch a show about actual polygamists than watch actors pretending to be polygamists. Every time I watch Sister Wives I think that they are crazy!! (and I really think they are) This family, though, the Dargers seem so much more intelligent and normal. They are able to articulate why they live this way and why it is important to them to shed light on this particular practice. They feel compelled to bring it out of the dark and dispel the myths so that people will know that it is only a very tiny population of practicing polygamists who are the Warren Jeffs of the world and that they too (the Dargers and most all other Fundamentalists) are appalled and repelled by his actions and crimes.

I guess that was what was so interesting to me. Hearing these seemingly normal people (not living in a compound somewhere in a long dress, french braids, and being child brides) talk about their beliefs in a way that made me have a deeper understanding of their choice of lifestyle and how it works for them.

I found their day to day logistics fascinating. I loved learning how they run their household, raise their children, buy their groceries, coordinate three families integrated into one large family in one large house. I feel like I can barely do all I need to do taking care of four kids and one husband and here they are throwing in homeschooling, religious instruction, running a business, educating the world about polygamy, serving in their community, and helping the state of Utah work with polygamous families, getting 24 kids to various extracurricular activities, and grinding their own wheat and making 7 loaves of bread a day. Hello? How? They explain it all which was very satisfying.

They are also very open about honest about things that are hard. They talk very candidly about the difficulties and struggles they have had to overcome. Jealousy, persecution, wayward children, prejudice, dealing with the state, and particularly standing up for what they believe even when it is in complete opposition with the rest of the world. Unlike the Browns of Sister Wives that come off as somewhat false...don't tell me that Janelle is a happy wife. No way. I don't buy it. But...I do buy the Darger's story. I think they are sincere. Hearing all four of their different perspectives including the perspectives of their three oldest children was interesting and compelling. I found myself liking and caring about this family.

I do feel sad for them though. It has to be a lonely lifestyle even in mainstream society and surrounded by wives and children. To never be able to give yourself fully to one person and have that one person give themselves fully to you is very sad. Joe has to be the loneliest person of all. I was surprised to feel so much empathy for this family (and Joe) but I did and I do.

I found this book to be unusual and affecting. It gave me a different perspective on polygamy and those who practice it.

My Rating: Good(less)

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Oct 27, 2012 Lee Harmon rated it 5 of 5 stars

In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning, the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; and if he does not, he cannot obtain it. --Doctrine and Covenants 131:1-3

Joe, Alina, Vicki, and Val are the parents of 21 children, sharing a 5,500 square-foot home in Utah. Yes, the authors are married ... to each other, living the Principle, celestial marriage, the only way to obtain heaven's h...more
In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning, the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; and if he does not, he cannot obtain it. --Doctrine and Covenants 131:1-3

Joe, Alina, Vicki, and Val are the parents of 21 children, sharing a 5,500 square-foot home in Utah. Yes, the authors are married ... to each other, living the Principle, celestial marriage, the only way to obtain heaven's highest reward. This is a real-life inside peek at Mormon polygamy, without the sensationalism. If the only thing you know about Mormon Fundamentalists is what you've seen on TV about Warren Jeffs (whose coerced marriages to underage girls and sexual abuses landed him on the FBI's Most Wanted List in 2006), then you're the target audience of JAV&V.

Between the 25 of them, they share ten family cars. They do ten loads of laundry a day, run through 36 rolls of toilet paper a week, and consume 3-5 loaves of daily bread. (I imagine that Matthew 6:7 is a verse often quoted.) Life is complex, busy, fulfilling, and ... generally quite happy, especially for the children. The most trying obstacle to their lifestyle may be the required secrecy, for polygamy remains against the law in Utah, punishable by up to five years in prison.

But this married quartet have had enough of living a white lie. Says Joe, "It's time to end our silence, and time for us to share with the world what living in a polygamous family is really like." So, the four of them take turns in this daring book talking about the trials and rewards of their chosen way of life.

Jealousy is one of the more serious trials, of course. Joe must carefully balance his devotion between his three wives. A carefully-planned schedule determines where he sleeps each night, who gets the next date, and who sits in the front seat beside him as as he drives. Money management is inevitably another problem in celestial marriages, when you're trying to feed and clothe a couple dozen people. Persecution by bigoted acquaintances, often in the workplace, is a third. But life isn't meant to be easy.

All in all, this lifestyle surely isn't for me, but I fail to see why polygamist practices as wholesome as that described in Love Times Three don't deserve the same respect we seem to be finally awarding to other alternative marriage arrangements.
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Aug 13, 2012 Karin rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, north-bay-library, religion-spirituality, teaching-parenting

This family makes the effort that makes polygamy work for them and their children. It's not all roses tho. The wives have to deal with jealousies, work out who Joe is sleeping with every night so that it is fair while taking into consideration special needs of each wife and special days each wishes to celebrate with Joe.

It would be nice having adult company at home with me as we raise the children together. It would also be nice knowing someone is there to support me and help me out as only anot...more

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Mar 14, 2012 Dixie rated it 3 of 5 stars

"I was nervous to read this book for a few reasons...One being I am a firm believer in monogamous marriages. Polygamy is absolutely against my religious beliefs. I get uncomfortable even thinking about the concept of polygamy but at the same time, it intrigues me! I cannot fathom sharing my husband with another woman! I don't even like to think about the other girls he dated, loved or even proposed to before he and I were married. How do polygamous women handle sharing their husband? I'm not tal...more "I was nervous to read this book for a few reasons...One being I am a firm believer in monogamous marriages. Polygamy is absolutely against my religious beliefs. I get uncomfortable even thinking about the concept of polygamy but at the same time, it intrigues me! I cannot fathom sharing my husband with another woman! I don't even like to think about the other girls he dated, loved or even proposed to before he and I were married. How do polygamous women handle sharing their husband? I'm not talking about just in the bedroom (though that would be the most impossible part for me)...how do they share his time, his attention, his income, his love??

There is a show called "Sister Wives" on TLC. My husband and I have watched a few episodes. At first, I could hardly watch yet I could not pull myself away. I was fascinated and wanted to know more about how the women felt. How can they really share one man?! How can they accept a new (and younger) women into the family?! The show basically follows the family around so you see a bit into their daily lives and a little about how the family functions. To be honest, the show seems a bit superficial. I know the family doesn't do the editing, so its not their fault. But still...I don't buy it.

I buy the Darger's story. They seem very sincere and very real. I love hearing their different perspectives! The bedroom is the part that makes me the most uncomfortable when I think about polygamy and I know now why it works for them. They don't talk about it. Ever. Not to each other, not to family members, not in a book they publish, not to their very best girlfriends! It is no one's business but their own and I really respect that they keep it to themselves. If you want to find out what goes on behind closed bedroom doors in a polygamist marriage, you will NOT find it here, which I was actually very grateful for in reading the book. I think I would have lost respect for the family had such "secrets" been disclosed.

When this book came out, a co-worker loaned it to me. We actually know this family! They are amazing! I have never met Joe, but I have met Alina, Vicki, Valerie and several of the children. Before reading the book, I was aware of their religious beliefs. Their beliefs never made me think less of them, or judge them unfairly. To each his own. However, now that I have read their story, I think they are even more amazing than I thought they were before. Am I strong enough to stand up for the things I believe in? Am I willing to risk the law for my religion? Is it fair that I can practice my beliefs openly and without fear while they cannot?

My beliefs will not change after reading this book, but my perspective into theirs certainly has."(less)

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Jan 25, 2012 David rated it 3 of 5 stars

interesting story of a polygamous (one man, three wives [two of whom are twins]) fundamentalist Mormon family raising a total of 24 kids in the same house. Two of them he dated and married simultaneously, while the other (one of the twins) married into the family after divorcing another guy who had five wives.

Much of the book is about how they deal with rotating with whom he sleeps, how one keeps track of 24 kids' activities, getting jealous of a sister wife, etc. They also refer quite a bit to...more interesting story of a polygamous (one man, three wives [two of whom are twins]) fundamentalist Mormon family raising a total of 24 kids in the same house. Two of them he dated and married simultaneously, while the other (one of the twins) married into the family after divorcing another guy who had five wives.

Much of the book is about how they deal with rotating with whom he sleeps, how one keeps track of 24 kids' activities, getting jealous of a sister wife, etc. They also refer quite a bit to others' reactions -- apparently the modal male reaction focuses on sleeping with a different woman each night, as opposed to creating drama by holding one's hand when the other thought it was her turn, getting household chore instructions from 3 times as many women, trying to find time for a personal relationship with 24 kids, and so on.

they came out on talk shows and such in the wake of feeling persecuted by a child welfare agency's investigation after one of the kids died in infancy. Interestingly (to me), they couch a lot of the argument for decriminalizing polygamy by analogy to society's increasing acceptance of gay relationships. This analogy often plays the role of show-stopper in arguments about gay marriage, as in Rick Santorum's confrontations with gay marriage supporters around the time of New Hampshire primary.

They come across as nice, earnest people, and they speak out against men's taking underage women as plural wives and other abusive practices. If I were consulted for a sequel, though, I'd suggest decreasing the lifestyle stuff just a bit (doesn't require much imagination to pick up on the point that laundry would be a hassle with this large a family) and increasing discussion of:

(a) what is the actual rationale for the Principle of plural (aka "celestial") marriage? It comes across here as just "this was revealed to Joseph Smith" (and Brigham Young, and reaffirmed by........). I guess lots of religious practices share such a basis {Mohammed sed......Jesus sed.....), but 95% of the discussion of plural marriage here is how it can be managed, how such-and-such isn't as bad as you might think, or it's stuff that just relates to big families (the older look after the younger; it's cool to see them pull together sometimes in a loving way), not why you'd want to be polygamous per se.

(b) how can it fit with the categorical imperative? In particular, as my (one) wife pointed out when we were discussing this book, if lots of people entered this arrangement, what do you do as a society with all the spare guys? Extra unattached young heterosexual men are a powder keg I would think.

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Dec 27, 2011 Katie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011books

In a time when polygyny (men taking on multiple wives) is so misunderstood, the Darger family makes it seem as American as Apple Pie!

This memoir follows the Darger Family through their creation, good times, bad times, and statistics about modern polygonous families. The Dargers do set-out with clarifying myths about polygyny, especially in how they differentiate themselves from Warren Jeffs. Statistically, 60% of men take on two wives, 20% have three, and 10% have four. These numbers do indicate...more In a time when polygyny (men taking on multiple wives) is so misunderstood, the Darger family makes it seem as American as Apple Pie!

This memoir follows the Darger Family through their creation, good times, bad times, and statistics about modern polygonous families. The Dargers do set-out with clarifying myths about polygyny, especially in how they differentiate themselves from Warren Jeffs. Statistically, 60% of men take on two wives, 20% have three, and 10% have four. These numbers do indicate that their is a little room for outliers. And in fact, there are many men with only one wife as they outwait their revelation from God about their next wife. More importantly, under-age marriages are not the norm. The different sects that do support these phenonenoms are mentioned.

Interestingly, this memoir follows the Dargers through their every day lives and how they juggle everyday tasks with two-dozen children. The Dargers discuss the difficulties of living this lifestyle with jealous emotions, but they also discuss why they choose to live this way: it's a spiritual lifestyle which requires you to set aside your emotions such that you can focus on God.

So their memoir brings up the question. These are consenting adults who have created a loving, healthy environment for their children. How can we criticize when we idolize such people as Hugh Hefner who exploits his girlfriends, and elect adultrous representatives to government who continually lie? And more incredulously, how can we sanctinize Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage and not recognize the heard work and dedication put through by these four? Really.

Now are all men as committed as Joe Darger? NO. And therein lies the problem. Perhaps the laws need to be altered such that they moreso accomodate this lifestyle, but regulates the eccentricities such as underage marriage? Do we as Americans need to help with insurance, welfare, and paternal claims to this lifestyle though? Absolutely. Do we need to agree with all aspects? No. But that is what America stands for - diversity. (less)

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Nov 14, 2011 Ruben rated it 2 of 5 stars

Love Times Three is a “somewhat” revealing insider’s look at a modern polygamous family. I emphasize “somewhat” because the Dargers write in such a sheltered, youthful manner that you gain very little from what they are sharing. In fairness, the Dargers are upfront about the purpose of this book, explaining that they are sharing their own experiences to help stifle the misconceptions about the lifestyle—showing the world that not all polygamists are of the Warren Jeffs ilk. In this, they succeed...more

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Nov 05, 2011 Laurie rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is the true story of the marriage of Joe Darger and his three wives: Alina, Vicki and Val. As Independent Fundamentalist Mormons, they believe that having a pleural marriage- a Celestial Marriage- helps them attain the highest level of heaven when they die. They are not affiliated with the FLDS, the sect that Warren Jeffs belongs to, where underage girls are forced into marriage and young men are driven off. While Joe, Alina and Vicki were young when they married, they were of legal age and...more This is the true story of the marriage of Joe Darger and his three wives: Alina, Vicki and Val. As Independent Fundamentalist Mormons, they believe that having a pleural marriage- a Celestial Marriage- helps them attain the highest level of heaven when they die. They are not affiliated with the FLDS, the sect that Warren Jeffs belongs to, where underage girls are forced into marriage and young men are driven off. While Joe, Alina and Vicki were young when they married, they were of legal age and chose to wed each other of their own free will. Val (twin sister to Vicki) joined the Dargers 10 years later.

The memoir is told in turns by the four Dargers, starting with their childhoods. Because of this (especially as two are sisters), we are given accounts of some events multiple times. This can be tedious at times, but in general the book is a fast, easy read.

The three sister wives, while described by others as being very different from one another, all come off in writing as very similar; it was hard, at times, to remember which one was writing. All describe having good childhoods despite the poverty they lived with and the work of taking care of younger siblings; all stress the fact that their relationship requires constant work but that it is worth it. While all relationships should be worked on to keep them running smoothly, a relationship of four people requires even more work. The women say that working on their own issues of jealousy helps them grow emotionally and spiritually. Joe, on his side, never seems to get to rest. Between earning a living and being the patriarch of the family (and his genuine joy and interest in his many, many children), he’s on tap constantly. The kids all have chores assigned and are encouraged to get outside jobs early; they are allowed to keep a portion of the money they earn. The family runs like a well oiled machine.

This family, unlike those who follow Warren Jeffs, is hurting no one. They do not rely on government handouts (although some of their parents did have to rely on food stamps at times), they pay their own way, no child is required to enter their church much less enter a pleural marriage. Only the first wife is legally married; there are no bogus marriage certificates or efforts to avoid taxes by claiming all are legally married. And yet the polygamous families are frequently persecuted by the state governments of Utah and Arizona (where most of the IFMs live) for committing cohabitation, while those same governments ignore unmarried couples. The Dargers have taken a big risk (from government, the very high chance of losing their jobs, the chance of having the children taken away from them) by coming forward as polygamists and I hope this book convinces people that they should be left alone and stop persecuting them. While their way of life isn’t one I’d want to live, they have a perfect right to it.
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Jan 03, 2013 Sharlene rated it 5 of 5 stars

Saw this group on Dr. Phil and was very impressed with how articulate they were. I was curious to learn more. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and spent several hours reading it from start to end. I must say that the reality of their relationship bore no resemblance to what my initial impression was when I thought of polygamy. They have exceptionally high morals and values and are raising children who seem very well grounded as well. They follow teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day...more

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Dec 11, 2012 Rachel rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012, non-fiction, memoir

Love Times Three is the true story of the Darger family. They are Independent Fundamentalist Mormons living in plural marriage. Yes, another polygamy book! The Dargers are unique even among polygamists in that Joe Darger married his first two wives, Vicki and her cousin Alina, at the same time. Usually polygamists wait at least a year after their first marriage before they take a second wife. Then, even more unusual, Joe married Vicki's identical twin Valerie ten years later. All together the Da...more Love Times Three is the true story of the Darger family. They are Independent Fundamentalist Mormons living in plural marriage. Yes, another polygamy book! The Dargers are unique even among polygamists in that Joe Darger married his first two wives, Vicki and her cousin Alina, at the same time. Usually polygamists wait at least a year after their first marriage before they take a second wife. Then, even more unusual, Joe married Vicki's identical twin Valerie ten years later. All together the Darger's have 24 children, which includes Val's five from a previous marriage. (One child died in infancy so 23 children are living.)

I first heard of the Dargers when they appeared on the TV show Sister Wives a couple of weeks ago in an episode where they take a vacation with the Brown family. (Of course I immediately Googled them and that's how I found out they have a book out.) Apparently, they've been friends with the Browns for a couple of years. Like the Browns, they are trying to take the stigma out of being polygamists by going public with their lifestyle.

I appreciated that this book went more in depth on the religious reasoning behind polygamy. Joe and his wives quote Mormon scripture as well as other important church documents like the Doctrine and Covenants when explaining the Principle of polygamy and why they have chosen the live the Principle. (Polygamy is also referred to as the Principle, plural marriage, or celestial marriage.) Also, in the back of the book, the different Fundamentalist Mormon communities are listed with a brief description that includes where they are located and what makes them different from each other.

I don't want this review to turn into a theological debate but I feel I have to point out one inconsistency I found with the Principle as I understand it: People who live the Principle will achieve the highest level of heaven and live together as a family for all eternity. The Principle helps women to become more Christ-like, and thus deserving of the highest level of heaven, because sharing their husbands will help them overcome petty emotions like jealousy and ultimately make them more selfless people. It's a daily sacrifice. However, even though this is the sixth book on polygamy I've read, I can't figure out how living the Principle makes men more Christ-like. The only thing this book said was that Joe didn't have any time for hobbies or outside interests because he had so many wives and kids that he needed to spend time with. It seems imbalanced to me.

That said, how consenting adults choose to live is with me as long as no one gets hurt. The Dargers make a good point that many of the abuses that occur in polygamist communities may occur because of the secretive life polygamists are forced to live. If they could live openly, perhaps the abuse would be harder to cover up.

I liked that three of the Dargers' older children (one from each mom) contributed to the book. Most accounts I've seen from children who grew up in polygamy are negative ones where the children suffered abuse. The Dargers' children seem happy and well-adjusted.

Like the Browns, the Dargers seem to be on the more liberal side of Fundamentalist Mormonism. As I am still quite intrigued with the polygamist lifestyle, I enjoyed this peek into the Dargers lives. Recommended for Nosy Rosies like me.
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Mar 29, 2013 Sam rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Love Times Three is about the polygamous man named Joe who has three wives: Alina, Vicki, and then later Val. Joe, Alina, Vicki, and Val take turns telling their story. For the most part all my initial questions were answered during the reading. It fact I think it did an excellent job speaking to a topic I knew very little about.

My first question was actually why the book was not named Love Times Four, when there are four people involved that I assume all love each other:
“The fact is, each of...more

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May 21, 2012 Nate Hendrix rated it 3 of 5 stars

An interesting book. Nothing spectacular, but it made me think. It is the story of a polyamous marriage written by the three women and one man in it. Initially I thought polygamy was bad, they are breaking the law after all. But if they are consenting adults and no one is being abused, who cares. Gays should have the right to marry, why shouldn't multiple people be able to marry each other. Then I thought how would you support so many kids and are they getting welfare or food stamps and are my...more

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Jan 16, 2013 Missy rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: misc-religious

I remember sitting through a Sunday school class at my Grandparent’s Lutheran Church discussing the different churches in town & their beliefs. After that the class started visiting the different churches to get a feel for them and to be able to compare them to our own church. However since my parents were divorced & I only got to spend a few days a month with my Dad & Grandparents I missed out on a lot. I do remember going to the Mormon Church in town however, I am uncertain of whic...more I remember sitting through a Sunday school class at my Grandparent’s Lutheran Church discussing the different churches in town & their beliefs. After that the class started visiting the different churches to get a feel for them and to be able to compare them to our own church. However since my parents were divorced & I only got to spend a few days a month with my Dad & Grandparents I missed out on a lot. I do remember going to the Mormon Church in town however, I am uncertain of which type of Mormon Church it was.

I remember visiting that church again as a teenager with a girl friend whose family was converting to that church. Since then I really haven’t had any firsthand experience with the faith other than the people who come door knocking. If you would have asked me at that point in my life what my views were on polygamy I would have probably said that something along the lines that it was immoral or disgusting, a very narrow minded opinion.

A few years ago when flipping channels I came across the show “SISTER WIVES”, I must admit that I was immediately fascinated. So when the Darger’s were introduced on the show I was really impressed by their family. I watched their one episode show on TLC and then I googled their names and found their blog. I was really taken by how they have expressed their selves via blog. They shared stories of their beliefs, family life, and RECIPES. I even tried the homemade bread. I noticed that they had published a book so I put it on my wish list to download as soon as I got the chance.

As a Lutheran who married a Catholic I can say that Polygamy is not an option in my personal life so I would never have to decide if it’s for me or not. However, my personal opinion has changed from what it was in my teenage years. I’m fascinated at how polygamy can be correctly put into practice. I think it would be a blast to have Sister Wives to help with my children. Yet at the same time I’m not naive enough to say that every family is like the Darger’s have portrayed.

I think it’s a shame that polygamists are targeted for their religious beliefs especially in a day and age where people without faith can throw tizzy fits and sue for whatever reason they come up with. For example people who are offended by others who expresses a Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays.

We live in the United States of America. A country founded on religious freedom among many other things. I must say that I agree that the practice of polygamy should be legal providing they man isn’t trying to take on several “legal wives”. However, I also feel strongly that individuals who are using faith and fear of prosecution to control and abuse women and children should be prosecuted to the fullest extent.
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Dec 29, 2012 Jan Cole rated it 3 of 5 stars

I can't believe I'm reading this. I checked it in the other day and started looking at it. The writing isn't good, the characters work so hard at living the principle of polygamy. Seems as if life is stressful enough without deliberately soliciting stress. Yet I keep picking the book back up. The rationalization that they put into everything regarding family must exhaust them.

I too wonder where Joe goes when he wants down time. Yes the work is shared but with 23 kids it would have to be. They ke...more

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Dec 23, 2012 Gina Butler rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012

I am fascinated with the polygamist lifestyle. That does not mean I want to live it however. I am only intersted in families like the Darger's, where the wives are all adults & consent to the marriage.

There are a lot of sterotypes about polygamy because of Warren Jeffs. This family is nothing like that religious sect.

Polygamy is illegal. I feel the only kind that should be is Warrent Jeffs sect. The Darger's are a family. They all live in one house and raise the children together. The childr...more

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Jun 11, 2012 Lottie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution. Just to set the rec...more Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution. Just to set the record state, Utah doesn't actively prosecute polygamous families. If there are cases of underage marriages, neglect, and child abuse, then absolutely will the law going to get involved, but between consenting adults, they generally live and let life. As persecuted as the Dargers felt for being investigated for neglect, I think the state had every right to investigate them when the warning signs were there for neglect. Had they not investigated and something else happen, there would be a public outcry. I took issue with a few statements in the book, mostly with them calling polygamy and celestial marriage one and the same. According to the Mormon faith, celestial marriage means you are married for "time and all eternity," meaning forever, not just until "death do us part." But Fundamentalist Mormons believe it has to do with polygamy, and only when you are living polygamy are you living celestial marriage. They say they claim the Mormon faith even though the Mormon church doesn't claim them, but they conflict on major doctrine. Though they say they don't judge people who decide against polygamy, the book had a bit of a time that they think they are better that they can live the higher law. Even though there are parts of their story I'm sure we aren't hearing, it was nice to read about a polygamous lifestyle that works. From what little I've seen and read, it seems that most of them don't. They also tend toward poverty, welfare, under education, seclusion, and sometimes extreme living conditions(view spoiler). I liked reading about a family that incorporated their lifestyle into the modern world while standing up for what they believe and living it to the fullest. I don't know that I'd be able to stand so firm when my beliefs were against the law. It made me wonder if I've seen more polygamists than I've realized when so many are integrated into our society. I did feel some sadness for them, not only for the jealousy and bickering sister wives can experience, but for the loneliness of independence they all feel, especially Joe. In that big and active of a household, while all the interactions must be very rewarding, it's always nice to have that one person in your corner that you know will absolutely have your back, there for you and only you. That one person that late at night you can whisper your deepest fears and secrets in pillow talk and open up to completely, about everything. The Dargers don't have that. Because Joe has that with three women, there's always something held back, from all of them. (I took issue with them continually advocating that they were monogamous. By definition, they are the opposite of it. I understand that they are trying to argue that there aren't relationships outside of the family unit and Joe is faithful to each of his wives, but he's not monogamous by a long shot.) Polygamy is something that makes most people uncomfortable to see and discuss. It was an eye-opening read to get a look inside one. I kept thinking about about the Dargers when I wasn't reading about them. I could see all the benefits of the support system they have (while it's sad some of the persecution they had to endure, it's nice they have such a network of support at home to deal with it) but then I'd get thinking about it, and I still think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, I respect the Dargers for the sacrifices they've had to make to make their lifestyle work for them and glad that it's been rewarding for them.(less)

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Oct 08, 2011 Sonja rated it 4 of 5 stars

While I don't live the way they do, I find their lifestyle fascinating. Choosing to enter into a relationship where you are sharing your spouse with someone else, or multiple other people, would take a very strong religious conviction. But having the really close, supporting help of the other women would be very nice. I thought the book was written well, with different perspectives, was very interesting. It is also nice to see a different side to the regular polygamist news story about underage...more

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Jun 22, 2012 Lily rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book was suggested to me while I was reading "Sister Wives" by the Brown family. Just like with that book, I enjoyed this book a lot, too. I have long been curious about modern polygamy, so it was really interesting to read.

I liked this book better than the one written by the Browns, because this one was more forthcoming and honest about the stuff we "regular" people REALLY want to know. You know, all those questions that make us look like prying jerks if we actually ask them. At the same t...more

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Oct 14, 2011 Catherine rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Joe is married to Alina, Vicki and Valerie. Joe and his wives alternate writing about their lives together in a plural marriage. The authors make it very clear that they are not members of the more often shown in the media stereotype FLDS Warren Jeffs polygamist sect. I got the impression they have created their own unique interpretation of biblical verse, conducting religious services in their home led by Joe.

I have to admit, I find their way of life very interesting to read about and I thought...more

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Jan 26, 2013 Carrie rated it 5 of 5 stars

I have a fascination with reading about polygamy. Perhaps it stems from my many years taking Sociology and Anthropology classes in college.
I'm intrigued to say the least.
Love Times Three is the true story of the Darger Family. I had seen them mentioned on a blog I read, and immediately came to Goodreads to find out about their book.
Within 3 days I was reading and read it the whole thing cover to cover in one day.
It's not flashy. It's not dramatic. It's not showy or bragging in anyway. It is...more

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Sep 27, 2012 Amanda Parker rated it 3 of 5 stars

WOW! What an insightful book. I have always been interested in the many many ways people chose to live their lives. Pologamy has been one lifestlye that has fascinated me over the years. I picked this book up when someome returned it to the front desk of the Library I work at.
This book gives you a front row seat to what a polygamous marriage is, how families are raised and the issues that many poeple in these marriages face. I personally loved reading this book and learning about how this famil...more

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Oct 15, 2011 Charlotte rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nook

http://charlotteswebofbooks.blogspot....

The Darger's are not the perfect family, but neither are they anywhere remotely like Warren Jeffs, the image we all default to when we hear "Polygamous". We all know that the Hendrickson's are a fictional family, but they started to plant the seed that Polygamy is not as criminal as we are led to believe. Then we met the Brown's. And while Kody Brown is NOT the kind of man I would ever want to marry, he obviously loves his family and strives to do right by...more

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Oct 17, 2011 Alex rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I'm addicted to Big Love and Sister Wives, so I knew I had to read this.

While I personally don't really understand polygamy and having sister wives, I can't pretend like I am not utterly fascinated by it. The TLC reality show Sister Wives is currently one of my biggest guilty pleasures. The whole thing is just kind of mind-boggling to me. Especially in this family where Joe married Alina and Vicki on the same day, and then 10 years later married Vicki's twin sister Val!

I found this to be a quick...more

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Nov 07, 2011 Jaylia3 rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is not the inside story of a Warren Jeffs type of polygamous marriage with an overbearing patriarchal male and a bunch of underage wives arranged in a pecking order based on who is currently the most favored . Alina, Vicki, Valerie and Joe are similar in age and approach their multiple marriage as equals with the sincere desire to make their religion-based lifestyle choice work for the good of all. It’s not a choice I would make or can easily understand, so I appreciate the candor with whic...more

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Sep 22, 2011 Mary rated it 5 of 5 stars

This was an excellent book. For me, I really enjoyed the differing perspectives of the adults, even when they overlapped. I especially enjoyed their telling of Vicki's first date with Joe and how she perceived what happened versus how he perceived it. Ultimately it was an embarrassing experience for them both but because they ultimately married, they can laugh at it now. They also are honest in sharing their feelings of jealousy, some of their challenges and growing pains as the first two women...more

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Apr 27, 2012 Cambala rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was an interesting insight into the family who inspired "Big Love." While I am glad I did read this, I don't know if I would necessarily recommend it. The book dragged an awful lot, and while I appreciate that the whole purpose of the book was to showcase each partner’s perception of the relationship, I don’t believe it was entirely necessary to recount the same event several times from different (yet with very similar viewpoints) people’s perspectives.

I also couldn’t shake the fact that at...more

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Nov 22, 2011 Kathleen rated it 3 of 5 stars

If you think all poygamists marry underage girls, keep them barefoot, pregnant, unemployed, and force them to be unstylish, this book will blow you out of the water. The Darger family (consisting of Joe, his three wives, and their twenty-three children) sound as normal as the Mormons next door, with the exception of practicing polygamy. These Fundamentalist Mormons believe that they will attain a higher place in heaven for following "The Principle", as was done in the Bible and in early Mormonis...more

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title link	preview: Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage
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BBCode	[url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11011298-love-times-three?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book][img]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1348095810l/11011298.jpg[/img][/url] [url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11011298-love-times-three?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book]Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage by Joe Darger[/url]

Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage

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