The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

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The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

3.13 of 5 stars 3.13 · rating details · 678 ratings · 189 reviews

A bestselling, groundbreaking author investigates successful long term marriages, interviewing wives and their uncensored strategies for staying married.

America's high divorce rate is well known. But little attention has been paid to the flip side: couples who creatively (sometimes clandestinely) manage to build marriages that are lasting longer than we ever thought possi...more

Hardcover, 256 pages

Published September 29th 2011 by Gotham (first published 2011)

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Oct 09, 2012 Carly rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, educational

I couldn't finish it. Maybe it would have gotten better later on, but it seems like her entire attitude around marriage is that it's something to survive, not something to thrive in. Like all you can hope for is to have something outside your marriage to "make you happy" or "satisfied," that nothing can be found in your marriage. That you can't find someone who makes you a better person, someone you can still want to spend your life with ten, twenty, fifty years down the road... unless you have...more

7 likes · like · see review

Dec 29, 2011 Carla Mackinnon rated it 5 of 5 stars

I have really enjoyed this book. It came at a time in my life when I really needed some perspective. My husband and I have been a couple for 25 years, married for 21 of those. All couples go through ups and downs. This has been a down period for us. We have both gone through some soul searching and decided individually and as a couple that remaining married was what we want. Reading this book has just made that decision seem even more right.

I see bits of our relationship in most of the stories....more

6 likes · like · see review

Jan 05, 2012 Synful rated it 3 of 5 stars

A collection of stories from women married (and some in non-legally bound) long-term relationships. Most of them were interesting, but some of them made me wonder how they could call them marriages. The woman who kept a husband and a boyfriend for over a decade somehow shouldn't count since for most of that time the husband never knew. My criticisms of this book are a couple. The first thing that stuck out at me was that all of these stories are about upper-middle to upper-class people. It's eas...more

7 likes · like · see review

Aug 21, 2011 Lisa Lucas added it

Shelves: first-reads, won-in-goodreads-giveaway, owned-paperback

Won in goodreads giveaway. Review coming soon.

2 likes · like · see review

Dec 28, 2012 Stephanie rated it 2 of 5 stars

While this is supposed to be an encouraging book, it feels more like a cautionary tale. I just keep feeling more and more hopeless the more I read. Some of the women mention loving their husbands, and there's even a whole chapter devoted to love. It is acknowledged as one important component, but then throughout the book, love really becomes sort of this bonus that some women get in their marriages and other women don't. For the women that don't, the message is "suck it up, it could be much wors...more

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Dec 25, 2011 Ebony rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: relationships

The Secret Lives of Wives is really about one wife—the author. And Iris Krasnow doesn’t have any interesting secrets. The marketing of this text was excellent. It purports to divulge wives secrets about how to be happy in a marriage, but really the author drones on and on about how much she loves her husband and has four grown boys who used to be toddlers. I only needed a paragraph about her life, not chapters and chapters of restatements about her boring family life. The book is a missed opport...more The Secret Lives of Wives is really about one wife—the author. And Iris Krasnow doesn’t have any interesting secrets. The marketing of this text was excellent. It purports to divulge wives secrets about how to be happy in a marriage, but really the author drones on and on about how much she loves her husband and has four grown boys who used to be toddlers. I only needed a paragraph about her life, not chapters and chapters of restatements about her boring family life. The book is a missed opportunity to read about wives’ lives; instead Iris makes it about her, and I increasingly got the suspicion that most of the wives featured in the book were her friends. The features were mostly white—doctors, lawyers, executives and housewives—clearly upper middle class folks who have the means to take separate summer vacations and pursue their interests in art.

Additionally, her women’s narratives are so perfect I began to wonder how much editing was involved. She said she spent weekends with these women and then they produced a precise 1,000 word articulation of their lives. There’s not one ellipsis in any of the stories. I got the sneaking suspicion that Iris was manipulating their stories to make her point that marrieds should stay married if for no other reason than they said they would. The promo material touts her speaking with a Muslim and a black woman to support diversity but both those stories occur in the last chapters and are clearly token exceptions to the “I’d rather talk to white people because that’s who I know” rule. Overall, the premise of this book is wildly misleading. The secrets are women should have their own lives and friends even after they get married. Wow.

I was also surprised by the conservative tone of book. Every wife should stay married because it’s better for the kids and grandkids unless there’s abuse. Even infidelity is no reason to divorce, because you could leave and still be unhappy. She never once considers the possibility that one could leave and be happier by oneself. She seems to believe that marriage is the cure-all and people who marry should stay that way at all cost because the marriage might get better after 20 years. She says no one can judge another person’s marriage but in the judgment filled title of chapter eight “Naughty Girls” she includes women who cheat on their husbands and I kept thinking—why be married? Why not date if that’s what you want, but because marriage is her ideal she’s in the awkward position of having to champion women who massage the notions of marriage to essentially fit a single woman’s life. It’s just weird. I know that’s a conservative party line—protect marriage at all costs from the liberals and the celebrities and the gays—but the argument rings hollow to me when people can simply choose to be single if they want and not have to deal with the whole flawed institution.
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Dec 16, 2011 Melissa rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, marriage, i-own, first-reads-shelf, december-2011-challenge

****Please note I received this book for free from Goodreads****

This gives an inside look at a variety of marriages and a variety of opinions on the subject. And, while I'm not a wife, I have been in a relationship with the same man for almost 6 and a half years. Sometimes that can feel like a marriage. It's got nothing in terms of longevity on the various marriages in this book though. I believe the youngest marriage of all included was 17 years long, the oldest, 70.

70 years is a long time to...more ****Please note I received this book for free from Goodreads****

This gives an inside look at a variety of marriages and a variety of opinions on the subject. And, while I'm not a wife, I have been in a relationship with the same man for almost 6 and a half years. Sometimes that can feel like a marriage. It's got nothing in terms of longevity on the various marriages in this book though. I believe the youngest marriage of all included was 17 years long, the oldest, 70.

70 years is a long time to be married. I find it funny that even though I'm not married now, I find myself wondering if I could see myself married to him for the next 50 or so years. Lucky for me, that's not a crazy thing to think.

The book explores a lot of different elements of staying married. The main themes/elements are to be responsible for one's own happiness and not dependent on their partner for it. I try to do this as best I can, sometimes to the point of shutting myself off, which I'm working on.

Another theme is to explore your own hobbies, and to have space. I think this is crucial in any sort of relationship. Relationships where two people are engrossed in only each other are very limiting, and can be lonely, and boring. I'm a very solitary person by nature, though I do like to go out and socialize as well. Since my own relationship has been a long distance one, for most of the time, having space hasn't been too much of an issue. Though I must admit, since we have lived together for the last year and a half it has taken some getting used to.

Another important thing is to constantly be making friends, since new friends bring new experiences, and new experiences bring growth. This is another one that's hard for me to do. I'm very shy, and slow to trust. That's not to say I don't want to make more friends, I suppose I'm just picky about it.

Although the book is geared toward women, and holds mostly female points of view, a few male perspectives are provided as well, which gives this a nice sense of balance. It covers a lot of subjects, from parenthood and Empty Nest Syndrome to swingers, to starting over at 80.

It has both an academic and personal feel to it. It would probably make a good accompaniment to a college class on marriages or women's studies.(less)

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Jan 01, 2012 Sharon rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: free-first-reads-completed-reviews

I won this as a free first read and I look forward to reading it!

I enjoyed reading about women who have endured, celebrated, enjoyed, thrived, survived in long term marriages. I don't necessarily agree with the ways some women found happiness while staying married, but there such a variety of stories that I found lots of examples to draw strength from. It is interesting reading and I think it would help every married person to read it! We are not alone in our experiences in marriage and this bo...more

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Jan 23, 2013 Angela Caffaratti rated it 2 of 5 stars

The following story is entirely true. I will try to write it in such a manner as to be entertaining to read, but everything that happens below is the way it happened in real life. I will only change the names and will try to save much of the boring dialogue.

--------------------------------------------

I have this friend... well, I guess he's not my friend anymore, but I USED to have this friend; let's call him Keith for the sake of this story. Keith has a wife, who we'll refer to as Bailey.

Now,...more

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Dec 20, 2012 Chelsey rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: books-on-cd-tape

Not really a three...but so hard to make it less. This book is terrible and not worth reading except there are such beautiful things about it too. I would not recommend it to anyone but would definitely share so many parts of it! I have described it as going to a restaurant with a wonderful buffet with succulent meats and dainty perfect desserts and just wonderful little nuggets of food and then right in the middle of this beautiful display of food there is vomit. So people ask as you walk back...more

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Oct 12, 2012 Kathy Stoner rated it 1 of 5 stars

I thought this would be an interesting take on a part of life I have not experienced. I could not finish it. The secret to a lasting marriage according to this author? Have some separate interests and passions from your spouse, and take some time apart -- you'll appreciate each other more after a break. Well, duh. Even this never-married knows that much. Many of the women she interviews in this book keep their marriages "together" by cheating on their husbands frequently.

I don't care for the wri...more

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Sep 20, 2012 Sarai rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: general-nonfiction

I found the individual stories in the book to be interesting. I generally skipped over everything else because I found the author's stories to be annoying.

My first problem was with the following quote: "We are seeing a shift happening among college-educated Americans in attitudes and behaviors about marriage. The point we make in our report is that middle-class Americans were doing pretty well in terms of staying married, but now divorce has crept up the social ladder into the middle class. So...more

2 likes · like · see review

Sep 15, 2012 Tony rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography, gender-issues, philosophy, marriage, love, sex-and-sensuality

The Secret Lives of Wives- Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married - Iris Krasnow

This is probably the most difficult review I have had to write. There are lessons here, for men and women. However; this book is pointedly written for women. That is something I had to remind myself of often in the beginning.

I took time to understand each point. It was a fun read (well written and fast moving), but it was a difficult read. In the end the point of the book is “do whatever it takes to make it...more The Secret Lives of Wives- Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married - Iris Krasnow

This is probably the most difficult review I have had to write. There are lessons here, for men and women. However; this book is pointedly written for women. That is something I had to remind myself of often in the beginning.

I took time to understand each point. It was a fun read (well written and fast moving), but it was a difficult read. In the end the point of the book is “do whatever it takes to make it work, if you can. There are no absolutes in this effort.” That is obvious even though, throughout the book we are taken on many roads that point to absolute answers. Many of those are contradictory. Ms. Krasnow’s own revelations reveal such.

Generally speaking this book is not kind to men. At times it gives men a break, but is also filled with cliché and shallow views. In the first two or three chapters I wanted to yell out “what about” or “that’s because.” That is why it was difficult for me. I constantly had to go back to the title and say to myself, “don’t be an idiot; this is the Secret Lives of Wives. It is not the Secret Secrets of Marriage from women and men.” Once I got that through my head; I entered the perspective totally of a secret life of a woman, and things smoothed over for me. I became the target audience and changed my perspective to appreciate fully the book.

It is a fascinating read. It is a read I believe every woman should take to understand their niche, and associate themselves with success in relationship and/or male/female interaction as answers are revealed.

I will add one caveat; unless the woman cannot set aside personal man bashing to look at herself (setting aside the man/men they believe caused irritation and looking directly at themselves), this might not be a successful read. Men, in this book, generally speaking, are marginalized (because it is not about them or their thoughts and feelings). For an intelligent woman reader she will learn much (as I did also as a man), but for a bitter reader looking to point blame; this might very well reinforce such habits. The stereotypical male shortcomings are often portrayed (a little negative of neutral) in this book. There are however two men in the book that are flattered. I think that is because they most resemble women in their idiosyncrasies (maybe a subtle feminist jibe towards men, nah- after reading the author and her final chapter, I don’t think so).

Of me? I enjoyed my secret life as a wife (once I jumped in). I did absorb a lot of interesting and candid anecdotes for successful marriage and life in general (for both the man and the woman). I highly recommend the book, for both men and women. It is valuable time if you can stay level headed while hearing many aspects portrayed.
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Jul 03, 2012 Shirley rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

I read about this book in a woman's magazine and thought it would be interesting to read. And the book turned out to be not only interesting, but thought-provoking as well. Many women were interviewed for this book, which explores the different ways that wives stay married to their husbands, for a variety of reasons. The one thing in common that all these women had was that they have stayed married to their husbands for 40-70 years! So these are women who really know what it takes to have a long...more

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Jan 24, 2012 Jen rated it 2 of 5 stars

I found this book a little too similar to Surrendering To Marriage, this authors first book on marriage. As others have said, she writes the women's stories, then does her own commentary on whether those women made right or wrong choices and lets us know unequivocally that her marriage doesn't suffer from the same maladies. I also question whether she was trying to make her arguments to us or to herself. She raves about her marriage and how great it is, how she they spend a month away from each...more

3 likes · like · see review

Dec 14, 2011 Heather rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011, non-fiction

The Secret Lives of Wives is basically telling you to find your passion in life so that you can fulfill yourself instead of expecting your marriage/husband/children to. If you are unhappy in your marriage, go find your inner happiness because the issue is probably with you instead of with your marriage. The author feels that you should stay married no matter what (barring abuse,or other very serious issues that would endanger you).

Essentially she says you can go find a new man, but eventually h...more

2 likes · like · see review

Feb 16, 2012 Ewatson rated it 2 of 5 stars

I read this book because it was chosen for my book group discussion . The title is a bit misleading; most of the women's "secret" lives boil down to having friends and interests outside the marriage, although a few of the women whose stories are portrayed in the book truly have secret lives that would seem to be destructive to marriage rather than enhancing it. I take issue to a small extent with the author's constant admonition that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of wedlock-...more

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Jan 07, 2012 Lauriero rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audible-book

I actually thought I was buying something a bit more titillating than this book. In spite of the initial mistake, I decided to listen to it given that I am in a long term relationship like the one described in the book. It was interesting, and heartening, to learn that a lot of my own experiences and "coping" techniques are things that appear to be somewhat universal with other women and couples. One message that comes through, over and over, is that women who remain in long term marriages usual...more

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Jan 11, 2012 Karen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: marriage, from-real-life

I thought this book rocked. I was especially happy to find it when I did: at the end of my writing "How to Stay Married in Midlife" and launched the "Sharpen Your Knives" blog (http://sharpenyourknives.wordpress.com/), and not before or during that process. The book includes stories from women who have been married for a long time, and includes their strategies for having been able to stay married. Hint: some are sort of kinky. Iris sprinkles in anecdotes from her own marriage, about which I am...more

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Jun 10, 2012 Monica! rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: badass-book-club, ive-learned-something-today, i-wish-i-could-hate-you-to-death, no-dragons-so-it-must-be-true, now-youve-read-the-book, read-in-2012, anecdotalicious, buckets-of-snark, first-step-to-failure-is-trying

The Secret Lives of Wives starts out with the phrase, “So really marriage is becoming the preserve of the well educated and the privileged,” and the author spends the rest of her book trying to convince her readers that, no really, these wives are Just Like Us.

Author: “They are country club wives without jobs married to very rich hedge fund managers and wealthy advertising executives married to carpenters.”

It’s like… it’s like she doesn’t even see what she’s saying. Author! Already, I do not th...more

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May 30, 2012 Mike Smith rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

I picked up this book about women who managed to make marriage last for decades because of a magazine article about it that highlighted the story of one woman who goes out with her college boyfriend once a year and makes out in his car as way to stay energized for her own marriage. I wondered if the whole book were along those lines. That story is in there, as part of a chapter on "naughty girls" who found that extra-marital adventures, some platonic and some very much not, helped them endure th...more

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Mar 27, 2012 Susan Odetta rated it 2 of 5 stars

I am nearly 20 years into my second marriage and struggling. I look at the man I married and wonder where he went and who this person is he left in his place. I love him, but I don't like him much these days, and I suspect he feels the same about me. I think we will persevere and find a new happy medium, but sometimes I long for solitude and daily life without a man trying constantly to tell me what to do and how to do it. So this little book peaked my interest. It's full of personal stories of...more

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Jan 27, 2013 Debbie rated it 3 of 5 stars

I think every women who has been married for twenty years or more should read this non-fiction book. The reader will definitely find herself and her mate on atleast one or several of the pages. It left me feeling that everything is ok, all is good. As I read on I found myself wondering about the married lives of my friends, neighbours and coworkers - wondering what page they would fall under. Every young girl contemplating marriage might also benefit from this book. I am constantly trying to exp...more

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Mar 27, 2012 Lynn rated it 3 of 5 stars

There is a lot of truth in this book. To wit: long term marriage is hard work. You have to want it. It's easy to give up. Your hot new lover turns into your boring/annoying old husband at some point down the line so it might be just as well to give things a bit more effort. It not only messes up your family and friendship relations but you also end up giving up your history when you throw in the towel on a long marriage. Not exactly groundbreaking but interesting and sort of comforting to know t...more

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Nov 10, 2011 Jennifer Busick rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Before I was married, I knew a lot of women who were desperate to find husbands. I remember marveling that it seemed so difficult for these women to obtain the one thing they had set their hearts on in life. My mother said to me then, "Desperation and neediness are not attractive. Those women need to develop some real interests, and become interesting people themselves, or no one else will ever be interested in them, either."

Turns out that was was good advice for the unmarried is good advice fo...more Before I was married, I knew a lot of women who were desperate to find husbands. I remember marveling that it seemed so difficult for these women to obtain the one thing they had set their hearts on in life. My mother said to me then, "Desperation and neediness are not attractive. Those women need to develop some real interests, and become interesting people themselves, or no one else will ever be interested in them, either."

Turns out that was was good advice for the unmarried is good advice for the long-married, as well: desperation and neediness are unattractive, and women who have their own interests and who are, in their own right, interesting people have the best chance at a healthy, long-lived marriage -- assuming, of course, that's what they want; an underlying assumption of the book is that the people interviewed, as well as the people reading the book, want to make their marriages work in the long term.

This book attempts to be wholly honest; in places, that makes it baldly depressing. I almost put it down about halfway through because it had grown so depressing, relating the stories of women who were committed to their marriages despite deep-seated unhappiness. That's really not what I want for myself; I don't want a lasting, committed marriage in which we are both miserable. I would have preferred a little more emphasis on how to make a marriage last in a way that is satisfying for both partners, and in parts of this book, that was lacking.

Others have criticized the ways in which some of the couples have coped with sexual issues (one of the couples interviewed are "swingers," other interviews were with women who credited adultery with the survival of their marriages). Krasnow explicitly declines to judge these women, presenting their stories simply as "what has, so far, worked for these women." I would not choose such a setup; fidelity is part and parcel of my own commitment to marriage. I don't really see the point of getting or staying married if fidelity isn't part of the package. But Krasnow makes as much of an attempt to be as thorough as she does to be honest; that's just the approach the book takes. I value it over a biased and blinkered approach. (less)

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Oct 19, 2011 JoAnn rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: psychology-and-spirituality, hen-books

I would probably give this book 3.5 stars if I could; but I couldn't justify four stars. The book was well written, and I agree with the main conclusions about long-term marriages that the author draws from her research. While not particularly new or revolutionary, most long married women know that marriage is alot of work, you have to remain committed and persevere through the bad times as well as the good (and there will be bad times), but the rewards of staying definately outweigh the problem...more I would probably give this book 3.5 stars if I could; but I couldn't justify four stars. The book was well written, and I agree with the main conclusions about long-term marriages that the author draws from her research. While not particularly new or revolutionary, most long married women know that marriage is alot of work, you have to remain committed and persevere through the bad times as well as the good (and there will be bad times), but the rewards of staying definately outweigh the problems in leaving (you carry the same problems with you into another relationship). In order to stay married over a long time you have to love and respect your partner, not look to your partner to make you happy, and find passion and friendship outside of your relationship. In other words, your relationship must be interdependant, not dependant or independant. However, the biggest problem I found in this book was in the author's research, ie, you can always find someone's story or an anecdote to support your conclusions. It seemed like the author started out with her conclusions and then found the stories to support them. It should have been done the other way around. Show us what research has found about long-term marriages first, divide the book into chapters based on these characteristics, and use the stories to support them. Also she, needed to use stories from a wider variety of income levels (although she does say at the beginning that the higher income group is now seeing the fewest divorces). What about couples that cannot afford to take a vacation at all, much less seperate ones? What aout those who have to work in less than stimulating and exciting jobs to support their families, and are not passionate about their work?Finally, what is the story about the swinging, partner swapping couple doing in this book and why did she include it? While, there are many different kinds of marriages, how typical is this really, and how how healthy and conducive to a respectful and loving relationship is it? Would your average couple be able to emotionally handle it, and what's wrong with married monogamous sex? I find that much more intimate, sexy, and exciting.(less)

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Feb 18, 2012 Emilie King rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book was well written and an easy read. It gave insight into how women in long term marriages have made it work for them. This was interesting to me because I have I only been married a year and often wonder how other women have done it for so long. The overall themes to love yourself, have passions outside of your marriage and good friends are great, but not always easy to find or cultivate in your own life. Overall I enjoyed the book, but it definatly portrayed the lives of middle to uppe...more

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Jan 23, 2013 Heather P rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audio-books

I truly think that every woman should read this book. If you are in the early years of your marriage, married for 15 years or more! This book is packed full, of interviews, thoughts, feelings, information that you thought you didn't really need to know, and information and perspectives of women, that you NEED to know. Things in this book made me laugh, smile, and want more. I truly loved listening to this audio book. I loved the narrator of this book. She truly brought the book alive. This autho...more

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Jun 26, 2012 Shelli rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: big-people-books, chick-lit

While I enjoyed reading different women's accounts of how they met their spouses, both joys and turbulent times during their marriages, I had a hard to relating to them. 95% of all the women interviewed came from homes of tremendous wealth; I am not in that tax bracket. Nor do I feel bad that I can not take an entire summer to vacation separately from my husband, build a room addition or buy a second home to have space to take up a fine art for personal growth. Statistically, couples who stay ma...more

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Apr 04, 2013 Deborah rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book has some great advice for staying married. It's about the importance of valuing yourself as a separate and viable person.

Before I read this book, I read "A Dolls House". It is about a woman who had no life or interests of her own. her existence revolved around her family and they seemed to adore her, until a secret was revealed that could disgrace the family if it were made public. She realizes that she wasn't actually loved and adored, she was simply a possession, a living doll. Some...more

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About Iris Krasnow

Iris Krasnow was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois. A graduate of Stanford University, she became the fashion writer for the Dallas Times Herald, then moved to United Press International in Washington, D.C. for the position of national feature writer. In her several years at UPI, Krasnow specialized in lifestyle stories and celebrity profiles, including Yoko Ono, Billy Graham, Ted Kennedy, Eli...more

More about Iris Krasnow...

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Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Other Imperfections

Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate

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