The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married

3.13 of 5 stars 3.13  ·  rating details  ·  678 ratings  ·  189 reviews
A bestselling, groundbreaking author investigates successful long term marriages, interviewing wives and their uncensored strategies for staying married.

America's high divorce rate is well known. But little attention has been paid to the flip side: couples who creatively (sometimes clandestinely) manage to build marriages that are lasting longer than we ever thought possi...more
Hardcover, 256 pages
Published September 29th 2011 by Gotham (first published 2011)
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Carly
I couldn't finish it. Maybe it would have gotten better later on, but it seems like her entire attitude around marriage is that it's something to survive, not something to thrive in. Like all you can hope for is to have something outside your marriage to "make you happy" or "satisfied," that nothing can be found in your marriage. That you can't find someone who makes you a better person, someone you can still want to spend your life with ten, twenty, fifty years down the road... unless you have...more
Carla Mackinnon
I have really enjoyed this book. It came at a time in my life when I really needed some perspective. My husband and I have been a couple for 25 years, married for 21 of those. All couples go through ups and downs. This has been a down period for us. We have both gone through some soul searching and decided individually and as a couple that remaining married was what we want. Reading this book has just made that decision seem even more right.

I see bits of our relationship in most of the stories....more
Synful
A collection of stories from women married (and some in non-legally bound) long-term relationships. Most of them were interesting, but some of them made me wonder how they could call them marriages. The woman who kept a husband and a boyfriend for over a decade somehow shouldn't count since for most of that time the husband never knew. My criticisms of this book are a couple. The first thing that stuck out at me was that all of these stories are about upper-middle to upper-class people. It's eas...more
Lisa Lucas
Won in goodreads giveaway. Review coming soon.
Stephanie
While this is supposed to be an encouraging book, it feels more like a cautionary tale. I just keep feeling more and more hopeless the more I read. Some of the women mention loving their husbands, and there's even a whole chapter devoted to love. It is acknowledged as one important component, but then throughout the book, love really becomes sort of this bonus that some women get in their marriages and other women don't. For the women that don't, the message is "suck it up, it could be much wors...more
Ebony
The Secret Lives of Wives is really about one wife—the author. And Iris Krasnow doesn’t have any interesting secrets. The marketing of this text was excellent. It purports to divulge wives secrets about how to be happy in a marriage, but really the author drones on and on about how much she loves her husband and has four grown boys who used to be toddlers. I only needed a paragraph about her life, not chapters and chapters of restatements about her boring family life. The book is a missed opport...more
Melissa
****Please note I received this book for free from Goodreads****

This gives an inside look at a variety of marriages and a variety of opinions on the subject. And, while I'm not a wife, I have been in a relationship with the same man for almost 6 and a half years. Sometimes that can feel like a marriage. It's got nothing in terms of longevity on the various marriages in this book though. I believe the youngest marriage of all included was 17 years long, the oldest, 70.

70 years is a long time to...more
Sharon
I won this as a free first read and I look forward to reading it!

I enjoyed reading about women who have endured, celebrated, enjoyed, thrived, survived in long term marriages. I don't necessarily agree with the ways some women found happiness while staying married, but there such a variety of stories that I found lots of examples to draw strength from. It is interesting reading and I think it would help every married person to read it! We are not alone in our experiences in marriage and this bo...more
Angela Caffaratti
The following story is entirely true. I will try to write it in such a manner as to be entertaining to read, but everything that happens below is the way it happened in real life. I will only change the names and will try to save much of the boring dialogue.

--------------------------------------------

I have this friend... well, I guess he's not my friend anymore, but I USED to have this friend; let's call him Keith for the sake of this story. Keith has a wife, who we'll refer to as Bailey.

Now,...more
Chelsey
Not really a three...but so hard to make it less. This book is terrible and not worth reading except there are such beautiful things about it too. I would not recommend it to anyone but would definitely share so many parts of it! I have described it as going to a restaurant with a wonderful buffet with succulent meats and dainty perfect desserts and just wonderful little nuggets of food and then right in the middle of this beautiful display of food there is vomit. So people ask as you walk back...more
Kathy Stoner
I thought this would be an interesting take on a part of life I have not experienced. I could not finish it. The secret to a lasting marriage according to this author? Have some separate interests and passions from your spouse, and take some time apart -- you'll appreciate each other more after a break. Well, duh. Even this never-married knows that much. Many of the women she interviews in this book keep their marriages "together" by cheating on their husbands frequently.

I don't care for the wri...more
Sarai
I found the individual stories in the book to be interesting. I generally skipped over everything else because I found the author's stories to be annoying.

My first problem was with the following quote: "We are seeing a shift happening among college-educated Americans in attitudes and behaviors about marriage. The point we make in our report is that middle-class Americans were doing pretty well in terms of staying married, but now divorce has crept up the social ladder into the middle class. So...more
Tony
The Secret Lives of Wives- Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married - Iris Krasnow

This is probably the most difficult review I have had to write. There are lessons here, for men and women. However; this book is pointedly written for women. That is something I had to remind myself of often in the beginning.

I took time to understand each point. It was a fun read (well written and fast moving), but it was a difficult read. In the end the point of the book is “do whatever it takes to make it...more
Shirley
I read about this book in a woman's magazine and thought it would be interesting to read. And the book turned out to be not only interesting, but thought-provoking as well. Many women were interviewed for this book, which explores the different ways that wives stay married to their husbands, for a variety of reasons. The one thing in common that all these women had was that they have stayed married to their husbands for 40-70 years! So these are women who really know what it takes to have a long...more
Jen
I found this book a little too similar to Surrendering To Marriage, this authors first book on marriage. As others have said, she writes the women's stories, then does her own commentary on whether those women made right or wrong choices and lets us know unequivocally that her marriage doesn't suffer from the same maladies. I also question whether she was trying to make her arguments to us or to herself. She raves about her marriage and how great it is, how she they spend a month away from each...more
Heather
The Secret Lives of Wives is basically telling you to find your passion in life so that you can fulfill yourself instead of expecting your marriage/husband/children to. If you are unhappy in your marriage, go find your inner happiness because the issue is probably with you instead of with your marriage. The author feels that you should stay married no matter what (barring abuse,or other very serious issues that would endanger you).

Essentially she says you can go find a new man, but eventually h...more
Ewatson
I read this book because it was chosen for my book group discussion . The title is a bit misleading; most of the women's "secret" lives boil down to having friends and interests outside the marriage, although a few of the women whose stories are portrayed in the book truly have secret lives that would seem to be destructive to marriage rather than enhancing it. I take issue to a small extent with the author's constant admonition that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of wedlock-...more
Lauriero
I actually thought I was buying something a bit more titillating than this book. In spite of the initial mistake, I decided to listen to it given that I am in a long term relationship like the one described in the book. It was interesting, and heartening, to learn that a lot of my own experiences and "coping" techniques are things that appear to be somewhat universal with other women and couples. One message that comes through, over and over, is that women who remain in long term marriages usual...more
Karen
I thought this book rocked. I was especially happy to find it when I did: at the end of my writing "How to Stay Married in Midlife" and launched the "Sharpen Your Knives" blog (http://sharpenyourknives.wordpress.com/), and not before or during that process. The book includes stories from women who have been married for a long time, and includes their strategies for having been able to stay married. Hint: some are sort of kinky. Iris sprinkles in anecdotes from her own marriage, about which I am...more
Monica!
The Secret Lives of Wives starts out with the phrase, “So really marriage is becoming the preserve of the well educated and the privileged,” and the author spends the rest of her book trying to convince her readers that, no really, these wives are Just Like Us.

Author: “They are country club wives without jobs married to very rich hedge fund managers and wealthy advertising executives married to carpenters.”

It’s like… it’s like she doesn’t even see what she’s saying. Author! Already, I do not th...more
Mike Smith
I picked up this book about women who managed to make marriage last for decades because of a magazine article about it that highlighted the story of one woman who goes out with her college boyfriend once a year and makes out in his car as way to stay energized for her own marriage. I wondered if the whole book were along those lines. That story is in there, as part of a chapter on "naughty girls" who found that extra-marital adventures, some platonic and some very much not, helped them endure th...more
Susan  Odetta
I am nearly 20 years into my second marriage and struggling. I look at the man I married and wonder where he went and who this person is he left in his place. I love him, but I don't like him much these days, and I suspect he feels the same about me. I think we will persevere and find a new happy medium, but sometimes I long for solitude and daily life without a man trying constantly to tell me what to do and how to do it. So this little book peaked my interest. It's full of personal stories of...more
Debbie
I think every women who has been married for twenty years or more should read this non-fiction book. The reader will definitely find herself and her mate on atleast one or several of the pages. It left me feeling that everything is ok, all is good. As I read on I found myself wondering about the married lives of my friends, neighbours and coworkers - wondering what page they would fall under. Every young girl contemplating marriage might also benefit from this book. I am constantly trying to exp...more
Lynn
There is a lot of truth in this book. To wit: long term marriage is hard work. You have to want it. It's easy to give up. Your hot new lover turns into your boring/annoying old husband at some point down the line so it might be just as well to give things a bit more effort. It not only messes up your family and friendship relations but you also end up giving up your history when you throw in the towel on a long marriage. Not exactly groundbreaking but interesting and sort of comforting to know t...more
Jennifer Busick
Before I was married, I knew a lot of women who were desperate to find husbands. I remember marveling that it seemed so difficult for these women to obtain the one thing they had set their hearts on in life. My mother said to me then, "Desperation and neediness are not attractive. Those women need to develop some real interests, and become interesting people themselves, or no one else will ever be interested in them, either."

Turns out that was was good advice for the unmarried is good advice fo...more
JoAnn
I would probably give this book 3.5 stars if I could; but I couldn't justify four stars. The book was well written, and I agree with the main conclusions about long-term marriages that the author draws from her research. While not particularly new or revolutionary, most long married women know that marriage is alot of work, you have to remain committed and persevere through the bad times as well as the good (and there will be bad times), but the rewards of staying definately outweigh the problem...more
Emilie  King
This book was well written and an easy read. It gave insight into how women in long term marriages have made it work for them. This was interesting to me because I have I only been married a year and often wonder how other women have done it for so long. The overall themes to love yourself, have passions outside of your marriage and good friends are great, but not always easy to find or cultivate in your own life. Overall I enjoyed the book, but it definatly portrayed the lives of middle to uppe...more
Heather P
I truly think that every woman should read this book. If you are in the early years of your marriage, married for 15 years or more! This book is packed full, of interviews, thoughts, feelings, information that you thought you didn't really need to know, and information and perspectives of women, that you NEED to know. Things in this book made me laugh, smile, and want more. I truly loved listening to this audio book. I loved the narrator of this book. She truly brought the book alive. This autho...more
Shelli
While I enjoyed reading different women's accounts of how they met their spouses, both joys and turbulent times during their marriages, I had a hard to relating to them. 95% of all the women interviewed came from homes of tremendous wealth; I am not in that tax bracket. Nor do I feel bad that I can not take an entire summer to vacation separately from my husband, build a room addition or buy a second home to have space to take up a fine art for personal growth. Statistically, couples who stay ma...more
Deborah
This book has some great advice for staying married. It's about the importance of valuing yourself as a separate and viable person.

Before I read this book, I read "A Dolls House". It is about a woman who had no life or interests of her own. her existence revolved around her family and they seemed to adore her, until a secret was revealed that could disgrace the family if it were made public. She realizes that she wasn't actually loved and adored, she was simply a possession, a living doll. Some...more
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Shut Up & Read: Melissa's Book Reviews 1 12 Dec 16, 2011 07:11pm  
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The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married (Kindle Edition)
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The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married (Paperback)
The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married (ebook)
The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married (Audiobook)

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Iris Krasnow was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois. A graduate of Stanford University, she became the fashion writer for the Dallas Times Herald, then moved to United Press International in Washington, D.C. for the position of national feature writer. In her several years at UPI, Krasnow specialized in lifestyle stories and celebrity profiles, including Yoko Ono, Billy Graham, Ted Kennedy, Eli...more
More about Iris Krasnow...
Surrendering to Motherhood: Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul I Am My Mother's Daughter: Making Peace With Mom--Before It's Too Late Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Other Imperfections Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate Sex After...: Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes

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