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How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
by
David Richo
"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationsh
...moreKindle Edition
Published
(first published June 18th 2002)
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Every radical queer i know should read this book, and everyone else too. The ways we act in relationships (in romance, friendship, house shares, community, etc) need to be as strong as our political analyses.
The Five Keys to Mindful Loving:
Attention
Acceptance
Appreciation
Affection
Allowing
What gets in the way:
Fear
Desire for our demands/expectations to be met on our terms
Judgment
Control
Illusion
David Richo is feminist-identified and GLBT-friendly, but he lacks a radical queer politic. Sometimes he...more
The Five Keys to Mindful Loving:
Attention
Acceptance
Appreciation
Affection
Allowing
What gets in the way:
Fear
Desire for our demands/expectations to be met on our terms
Judgment
Control
Illusion
David Richo is feminist-identified and GLBT-friendly, but he lacks a radical queer politic. Sometimes he...more
This is an excellent book, but it's one to take some time with. Richo's writing is eloquent and right-on, but it can also be a bit dense at times. This is the kind of book to have going at the same time that you're reading other things. It's good to come back to when you're feeling calm, soft, and able to focus. The practices at the end of each chapter are excellent, and they require a lot of deep internal work. I think that if you did all of the practices in this book and really took it slowly,...more
Sep 30, 2007
Erin
rated it
5 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Everyone
Shelves:
personalgrowth
I have a good, no, GREAT relationship with my parents, who make it very clear to me everyday how much they love me. We never discussed what love looked like; I just always knew that they loved me and what it felt like to be loved, but I was utterly unable to put that into words.
I started reading this as I thought I was falling in love with someone, and realized that I really truly was in love with him. Our relationship matched exactly what Richo talks about in this book. It didn't work out betwe...more
I started reading this as I thought I was falling in love with someone, and realized that I really truly was in love with him. Our relationship matched exactly what Richo talks about in this book. It didn't work out betwe...more
Jul 24, 2007
Sarah
rated it
4 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Self-help junkies like myself
The trouble with reading a book called "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" is that people will ask you what you're reading and you have to tell them. That said, there were a lot of great messages, tools, and ideas in this book, the best (for me) being the description of "the five As", the keys to healthy relationships (friendly, romantic, any relationship): acceptance, affection, attention, appreciation, and allowing the other person in your relationship to be him/herself.
Do not be fooled by the title, this is not your typical self-help book. Each chapter has valuable nuggets of information on how to love yourself, which then evolves into how to love others. I appreciated the lack of cliches seen in most relationship books. This is not about men versus women, but rather, mindful recognition and appreciation for the people you love.
Aug 21, 2012
Janet
rated it
5 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Shelves:
love,
self-help-spiritual
This book changed my life about 10 years ago so I'm re-reading it again as a reminder. Still tops my list of must reads for anyone who wants to learn how to be "an adult in relationships!!" Should be required reading for all!
An incredibly powerful and thought provoking book. By weaving a spiritual practice of mindfulness as a way to stay present in relationship, the book examines how adult love is a sustained with an unconditional giving of these five A’s:
1. Attention to others by hearing what they are saying and noticing what they are feeling
2. Acceptance of others just as they are, with all their light and shadow too
3. Appreciation of others’ gifts, limits, and uniquely poignant predicaments
4. Affection shown in h...more
1. Attention to others by hearing what they are saying and noticing what they are feeling
2. Acceptance of others just as they are, with all their light and shadow too
3. Appreciation of others’ gifts, limits, and uniquely poignant predicaments
4. Affection shown in h...more
Cheesy? Yes. The examples of 'adult' dialogue between couples in this book are laughably ridiculous and unrealistic. That said, I do think this book helped me.
In particular, there's a shortish section on the differences in how to love and be loved by extroverts vs. introverts that helped put a lot of my relationship's issues in perspective for me. It basically perfectly described the difference between my boyfriend and I in a way that helped me realize that a lot of the things he does that make...more
In particular, there's a shortish section on the differences in how to love and be loved by extroverts vs. introverts that helped put a lot of my relationship's issues in perspective for me. It basically perfectly described the difference between my boyfriend and I in a way that helped me realize that a lot of the things he does that make...more
David Richo is insightful into our own behaviors and inspirational. Check out his website online. You can find a lot of wonderful excerpts from his books there.
I can't recommend this book wholeheartedly enough. Was recommended to me by my last partner, and we are both putting it to use in preparation for future relationships, as well as in our efforts to be friends now that our own is over. This is different to other self-help/relationship books in that it is based in the premises of Buddhist mindfulness, and it addresses all aspects of relating in personal relationships, not just love/intimacy. This is a book for the ages. Full of hard-hitting self an...more
This book came highly recommended by clients who had found it useful. It’s a very good book – pity that the title may turn some people off (I’d prefer “How to be a stronger adult in relationships”). The book has a strong spiritual bend which may work for some, but not for others. There are some excellent chapters that I highly recommend: “Choosing a Partner”, “Romance: The First Phase of Relationship”, and “Conflicts”. If you’re ok with (or welcome) the occasional reference to mindfulness, journ...more
I've been on a bit of a self-help kick lately. The tone of this one annoyed me at first when I started reading. It can be a bit wordy and rambling. It felt a bit like an armchair philosophy discussion of psychology for awhile. However, once I got over that and started getting down to what he's talking about, there are some really great ideas and examples. I knew some of my past relationships were pretty dysfunctional, but this brought up a lot of things I hadn't considered. I think this book is...more
This book focuses on forging healthy relationships, from two interesting perspectives: Psychology and Buddhism. The first half discusses family-of-origin and personal issues. The second half talks about how to create mindful and loving romantic relationships. There are exercises you can complete alone or with a partner. I find myself rereading certain sections as specific issues come up in my life. I find this book refreshingly unique and more pertinent than most self-help books. I really like t...more
This is best for a reader who is an adult and has had a serious relationship recently that went south or for someone in a serious relationship who is concerned about its health. There are many references to poets, thinkers and writers from our heady college days so a less educated person may dislike the tone.
It's central message is that love is the "5 A's": attention, appreciation, acceptance, affection, and allowing others to be as they are without control.
It is NOT for those who fear to exami...more
It's central message is that love is the "5 A's": attention, appreciation, acceptance, affection, and allowing others to be as they are without control.
It is NOT for those who fear to exami...more
This book saved my relationship! At least for now : )
Seriously, if you don't want to grow up, don't read this book. If you do want to expand, read it, but only if your partner will too. Warning: if you read this book and your partner doesn't, your relationship may implode!
The book is a bit too wordy at times, and tends to go on at bit too much, but the message is brilliant. The author also writes from a mindfulness (Buddhist) perspective so there is a lot of spirituality mixed in, which I liked...more
Seriously, if you don't want to grow up, don't read this book. If you do want to expand, read it, but only if your partner will too. Warning: if you read this book and your partner doesn't, your relationship may implode!
The book is a bit too wordy at times, and tends to go on at bit too much, but the message is brilliant. The author also writes from a mindfulness (Buddhist) perspective so there is a lot of spirituality mixed in, which I liked...more
The overall message of striving for mindfulness in our relationships by letting go of ego and focusing on attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing provides a simple and powerful narrative throughout the book. I think the book would be as convincing without the occasional reference to a higher power. The practices at the end of each chapter are a great framework for thinking about and reflecting on your past and present relationships.
Had to knock off one star for the occasional bit of psycho-babble and silly scripted conversations, but this is truly one of the smartest, sanest, most compassionate self-help books out there. I found it incredibly valuable and transformative, and recommend it for anyone looking for enrichment or guidance in any kind of relationship - with parents, co-workers, romantic partners, friends, or even the relationship between one's own heart and mind.
Read this for a project at work- was skeptical of it because it's a self-help book. However, the author did help me articulate the issues I knew I had in relationships, but couldn't really focus. Some of his advice is spot-on, but he doesn't take into account that some people just like casual sex, and it can still be a healthy, explorative outlet.
There was a bit of cheesiness but I don't mind that at all. I think everyone could find something helpful in this book. It described me or a situation I am dealing with in complete detail several times and gave me helpful ways to deal with it.
I liked when he talked about how we can only deal with each situation in life with the amount of knowledge we have at the time. And how we can learn from our past, process the information, then move on.
It gave me great ideas for excepting and receiving lo...more
I liked when he talked about how we can only deal with each situation in life with the amount of knowledge we have at the time. And how we can learn from our past, process the information, then move on.
It gave me great ideas for excepting and receiving lo...more
I've lent this book to a several people and they all were amazed by it. The author draws from lots of experience. For me, in this age, where almost anything goes as far as what makes a relationship, it's nice to get some bottom line tools for what is healthy and what is not. great book!
A way better than average relationship book. Most seem to present an idea, then offer no solution, or worse, just a bunch of fluffy filler. This book presents concrete ideas and concrete things you can do with those ideas to make your relationships better. It's from a Buddhist perspective.
Jul 20, 2012
Alyssa
rated it
5 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Recommends it for:
Anyone
Recommended to Alyssa by:
Vanessa Naja
This book is practical for illuminating the self that is capable of giving and receiving love and relating to people in a positive way. It's helping me immensely and when I practice the principles of the book I notice the light which surrounds me.
While some of the book is unneccesarily chatty in some places and stilted in others, there is a lot of good advice, and provoking thoughts in Richo's writing. I wish I had read this a long time ago though...
Take home message I got from this book: relish challenges and problems in relationships because they'll help you, and the relationship, grow. A nice sentiment considering it's natural to want to avoid difficult issues. Sorta like how diving right into a wave has less impact than letting it crash against you. Still the book succumbs to the lovey-doveniness common in some of these spiritual self-help books. The language they advise using with a partner to grow communication is so far removed from...more
One of the best books I've read on realtionships. I've gone back to it several times over the past two years; the advice given is easy to understand and follow.
Aug 10, 2010
Tako
rated it
4 of 5 stars
·
review of another edition
Shelves:
relationships,
spirituality
It's great to get a non-western-fairy tale perspective on relationships, where the focus is on crazy passion and a "happily-ever-after" with no follow-up on how the happiness was achieved. The main idea of this book is that we all need 5 basic things from our relationships, if they are to be healthy and long-lasting.
I should mention that there is a distinctive Buddhist streak to this book. That may or may not work for you.
One odd feature of this book is the frequent quotes from literature. Some...more
I should mention that there is a distinctive Buddhist streak to this book. That may or may not work for you.
One odd feature of this book is the frequent quotes from literature. Some...more
Good christ, this book nearly killed me. It took all summer to read. I just flew in from Maturity and boy are my arms tired.
An excellent guide to thinking about relationships, from a balanced and mature place.
Published by Shambala, this book takes a mindfulness approach toward relationships. Reading it will force you to re-examine your behaviors and love more compassionately. It's kind of like the "What would Buddha do?" for relationships.
A great synthesis of Jungian psychology and Buddhist principles. This book is as much about having a good relationship with yourself as with others.
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David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and chi...more
More about David Richo...
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and chi...more
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“Self-actualization is not a sudden happening or even the permanent result of long effort. The eleventh-century Tibetan Buddhist poet-saint Milarupa suggested: "Do not expect full realization; simply practice every day of your life." A healthy person is not perfect but perfectible, not a done deal but a work in progress. Staying healthy takes discipline, work, and patience, which is why our life is a journey and perforce a heroic one.”
—
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“Kypsät aikuiset odotavat kumppaniltaan kohtuullista tarpeiden tyydytystä. He toivovat, että toinen ihminen tyydyttää heidän tarpeistaan noin 25%. Se on aikuisen annos - lapsen annos on 100%. Loput 75% tarpeistaan he tyydyttävät itse, perheen parissa, ystävien seurassa, uran, harrastusten, henkisyyden/uskonnon tai jopa kotieläimen avulla (koirat ovat varsinaisia rakkauden viiden perustekijän asiantuntijoita).”
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Jan 23, 2011 07:40am