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King Dork

by Frank Portman (Goodreads Author)

3.62 of 5 stars 3.62 · rating details · 4,220 ratings · 697 reviews

Tom Henderson (a.k.a. King Dork, Chi-mo, Hender-fag, and Sheepie) is a typical American high school loser until he discovers the book, The Catcher in the Rye, that will change the world as he knows it. When Tom discovers his deceased father’s copy of the Salinger classic, he finds himself in the middle of several interlocking conspiracies and at least half a dozen mysterie...more

Hardcover, 352 pages

Published April 11th 2006 by Delacorte Books for Young Readers

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Jul 04, 2007 Amy rated it 1 of 5 stars

i may be the only one, but i found this book alienating and insulting.

hey young dork dudes, be inspired! start a band and you'll get more blowjobs from bitchy sluts! yay!

young dork ladies: looking for an author that actually takes the time to write fleshed-out, multi-layered female characters that don't fall into one of three or four exhaustively exploited stereotypes? stay the fuck away.

it's been a while since i threw a book down in disgust. Frank Portman (OMG, he used to be in a band!), you...more

31 likes · like · see review

Nov 07, 2008 Jackie "the Librarian" rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: don't bother

Shelves: humor, youngadult, hated-it

This book started out so strong, and so funny, I loved it. And then, the plot kicked it, and the relationships between Tom and the girls he meets were so stupid and unbelievable, it ruined the book for me. I feel betrayed by the direction the book took - instead of focusing on the feelings Tom had for his dead father, and the mystery of the notes in his father's old books, the book instead strays into shallow hookups and cynical attitudes toward relationships. I think I wouldn't have such disdai...more

10 likes · like · see review

Oct 05, 2007 Jacey rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: actual teenagers

Shelves: young-adult-my-secret-shame

Man, I really wanted to like this book, it came highly recommended. However, the more I tried, the more I failed. Or maybe the author (sorry MrTX) failed. It strikes me that he had these really(?) great ideas but when it came to actually working them out on paper, they just didn't work. Or perhaps it's that his really great ideas didn't actually poke above the grass of teenage tedium until the final chapter or two, when you finally get the a-ha moment. It was abrupt and startling and I felt a li...more

4 likes · like · see review

Aug 10, 2007 Kate rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Horny high school boys... and the grown-up nerds they become

Shelves: ls583, coming-of-age, funny-ha-ha, library-school, outsiders, ya-fic

I had mixed feelings about King Dork. Namely, I loved the concept, but wasn’t so hot on the execution. Tom is a funny, smart, self-deprecating narrator, and his cynical acceptance of his status as a loser is painfully true to life. With Tom's honest observations at its core, King Dork is novel in that it honors the central nerd by refusing to attribute easy YA conventions to him; for example, in any other book, Tom would find an ally in Holden Caulfield, rather than rolling his eyes at the "Catc...more

6 likes · like · see review

Mar 31, 2008 Jennifer rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: ya-fiction

This book is most likely to appeal to that sub-set of teenage boys who are painfully smart, horribly socially awkward, oppressed by the high school social hierarchy, who find refuge in rock and roll fantasies. Them, or the adult men who used to be them. The plot is flimsy at best and the obscure music references are likely to put off a lot of readers. However, Portman does manage to touch on some big themes of family and growing up without ever being sappy or offering easy answers. Unlike most t...more

5 likes · like · see review

Jun 02, 2010 K.D. Oliveros rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: No one

Recommended to K.D. by: Aaron nominated this as book for the month (June 2010)

Shelves: ya

Frank Portman's King Dork is about Tom Henderson,, a sophomore student in a US high school. Wiki defines dork as quirky, silly and/or stupid, socially inept person, or one who is out of touch with contemporary trends. Often confused with nerd and geek, but does not imply the same level of intelligence.

The story is very simple: Tom, a.k.a., King Dork, Chi-Mo (short for child molester, there is a funny story about this that made me laugh), Hender-fag, Hender-pig or Hender-fuck, is very unpopular i...more

3 likes · like · see review

Feb 06, 2011 Tony rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: awesome-books

Rip the lid off it, this book was so good.

Basically...it's about being in high school, which sucks anyways. The main character of the book (he has many nicknames, we're gonna' call him King Dork) is a misfit geeky punk kid who pals around with another geeky punk kid. They are desperately trying to start a band and are constantly coming up with names and albums for the band (a great running gag), but also they are just trying to survive in high school. Sound generic and some parts are, but where...more

2 likes · like · see review

Jan 21, 2008 bibliogrrl rated it 3 of 5 stars

I liked it, but really Dr Frank? Why do you need to mess up the minds of adolescent teenage boys more than they already are?

The narrator of the book is funny and engaging. But the portrayals of women in this book fall into 2 classifications:

The saints - moms and sisters

or

The sinners - everyone else, also known as the blow job machines.

It's pretty annoying.

I'm the least OMG FEMINIST ALL MEN ARE EVVIIILLLL girl ever, but if I'm noticing this in a book, it's a problem.

6 likes · like · see review

Mar 10, 2012 Sabrina rated it 3 of 5 stars

Sabrina Smith
Contemporary Realistic Fiction

Tom Henderson, or King Dork,is an unpopular high school student. When he discovers a book that belonged to his deceased father with some kind of code in it, Tom tries to solve the mystery, among others, with much humor along the way.
Portman gives Tom a strong and endearing voice, and although some of the characters seem a little exaggerated, they serve their purpose. Profanity and sexuality are prevalent throughout the book, which limits the appropriate...more

1 like · like · see review

Feb 19, 2013 Jessica rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2013, kindle-books, old-children-young-adult

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. 2.0
Having spent a lot of time hanging out with disaffected young men when I was a disaffected young woman made me want to like this book a good deal more than I did.

First, the author employs a number of narrative ticks that are supposed to be endearing (I think?), but serve to alienate the reader and make what should have been a quick read a bit of a slog. For example, he turns words and phrases into abbreviations for the heck of it. Or in homage to his teacher, ever time there is a "big word" h...more

1 like · like · see review

Dec 14, 2008 Neil rated it 4 of 5 stars

I'm very conflicted about this book. The end is a mess, with many plot lines resolved awkwardly in a long-winded epilogue and some plot lines not resolved much at all. The book, at least its narrator (although I would argue more than its narrator), is sexist, with females consistently represented as dysfunctional and mostly there for the sexual pleasure of males. I would argue as well that its view of teenage society goes too far. Don't get me wrong, I think the average high school is a messed u...more

4 likes · like · see review

Sep 03, 2008 Jane rated it 2 of 5 stars

Recommended to Jane by: YABC, David

Shelves: young-adult, home-library, yabc, realistic-fiction

It all began with a band--or to be more accurate--an almost band. They hardly practice, can't sing or play instruments, and change their name and logo at least 10 times a week--sometimes even in the same day! This is height of the book for me, especially since the blurb on the back cover practically shouted that it had much to do with music.

What the book also dealt with in enormity was Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, which unfortunately I had not read. I don't know much about music, but I kn...more

2 likes · like · see review

Jun 11, 2008 Chris "Stu" rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2008, recommended

I'm not exactly sure why this book is classified as "Young Adult" literature, other than it's about teenagers in high school, and, thus, must be for kids.

But this book is really quite good. The narrator is probably one of the ten best narrators I've read, up there with _High Fidelity_ and _Lolita_ and _Middlesex_ in terms of having a distinctive voice and being incredibly readable.

The plot takes a couple of turns that strain believeability, but I was really on board with the book the entire way...more

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Aug 21, 2007 Jennie rated it 4 of 5 stars

An excellent anti-Catcher, pro rock-and-roll novel that is hilarious.

It also contains such passages as this:

"I should mention that Catcher in the Rye is this book from the fifties. It is every teacher's favorite book. The main guy is a kind of misfit kid superhero neamed Holden Caulfield. For teacher he is the ultimate guy, a real dream boat. They love him to pieces. They all want to have sex with him and with the book's author, too, and they'd probably even try to do it with the book itself if...more

4 likes · like · see review

Aug 13, 2007 tammy rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: i probably wouldn't

i really wanted to like this book, but i just couldn't. overall it was a decent waste of time, but it's only saving grace was that it was well written and witty. the storyline is confusing and not very plausible. the conclusion didn't happen until the very last chapter, was somewhat abrupt, and left much to be desired, like the author was like "oh shit, i have to finish my story in the next ten pages". the main character is slightly irritating but still manages to be entertaining (much like real...more

4 likes · like · see review

Jul 23, 2007 dirt rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: people in pretend bands

Written by a guy from the Mr. T Experience. I lost my Mr. T Experience album long ago, but I recall the lyrics being saccharine sweet and stuck in a 9th grade mentality. Imagine extending a M.T.E. song into a whole book and you end up with King Dork, which is not your typical high school memoir because it doesn't suck.

This book is about Tom. Naming your rock band and designing album covers is the most important part of being in a band and Tom excels at this. He also tries to get to know his dea...more

1 like · like · see review

Jul 26, 2007 Lucy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2006

i liked a lot of this book. parts of it were very funny (particularly the french class conversation, that reminded me of conversations my friend and i had when we knew very little french, but were still trying to speak only french, or at least franglais and glossary at the back is almost worth a read on its own). i liked its anti-catcher in the rye stance a lot (i so do not get why that's supposed to be such a great book). it was definitely a book for boys, though. hmm, i'm writing these reviews...more

1 like · like · see review

Dec 26, 2007 Patrick rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: novelist-reviews

Like a great hit single, King Dork is filled with catchy hooks, memorable lines, and lots of attitude. While the big overarching plot stretches credibility, it is the details that make King Dork one of the most enjoyable reads for/about teens. Tom Henderson is your basic high school grind who dreams of forming a band with his best friend, but is also dealing with the hard reality of life at home, at school, in his past, and in his lack of love life. The voice is perfect, with small details such...more

1 like · like · see review

Jun 05, 2007 Kristy rated it 3 of 5 stars

I liked this book a lot at first. The story is, in many ways, charming. But by the end, i concluded that the frequent amount of blow jobs and other sexual activities portrayed as happening among high school kids was entirely unrealistic. At least among the high school kids I knew.
It's a damn shame, too, because this book was very funny and I started out really liking it. But every girl he encounters can't wait to give him a blow job, and I dont know, wishful thinking on the part of the author p...more

1 like · like · see review

Jan 12, 2009 Jaemi rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: ya-fiction

Tom Henderson’s life is full of unusual trials, chief among them, perhaps, being the unfortunate nickname thrust upon him in seventh grade. As if it weren’t bad enough that he’s a geek, and has only one real friend, and that’s only really because of the alphabet.

His father died when he was young, his mother is in a constant self-induced state of unawareness, his step-father tried too hard, and his sister seems to have alternate personalities. School is even worse.

After the accidental pummeling o...more

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Dec 20, 2008 Stephanie rated it 3 of 5 stars

JUST as literary heroes who sacrifice themselves for the greater good are usually described as Christ-like, so are disaffected teenaged narrators of young adult novels inevitably compared to Holden Caulfield of coming-of-age classic The Catcher In The Rye.
In King Dork, writer Frank Portman attempts to crawl out of Holden's shadow by having his 14-year-old protagonist Tom Henderson declare his disdain from the start for the "misfit kid superhero" towards whom all his teachers mantain a cult-like...more JUST as literary heroes who sacrifice themselves for the greater good are usually described as Christ-like, so are disaffected teenaged narrators of young adult novels inevitably compared to Holden Caulfield of coming-of-age classic The Catcher In The Rye.
In King Dork, writer Frank Portman attempts to crawl out of Holden's shadow by having his 14-year-old protagonist Tom Henderson declare his disdain from the start for the "misfit kid superhero" towards whom all his teachers mantain a cult-like devotion.
It's pretty clear, though, that Tom is a character very much in the Holden mould, though he isn't exactly receiving the same amount of adulation from his elders.
As the title suggests, Tom isn't the most popular boy at his surbaban California high school. The author peoples it with all manner of brutish bullies, giggly girls and incompetent, sadistc teachers, and what's scary is that he makes them all entirely believable.
Tom is also smart (to ward off bullies, he wears an army jacket and cultivates a gun-loving image), creative (he forms a new rock band a week with his best friend Sam Hellerman, though their lack of musical talent is a slight drawback) and sensitive (he mourns his late father, who died under unclear circumstances when he was eight).
Our hero says it best when he introduces himself in what the reader soon learns is a charcateristically self-conscious fashion: "I suppose I fit the traditional mould of the brainy, freaky, oddball kid who reads too much, so bright that his genius is sometimes mistaken for just being retarded."
This Holden-esque fragility, coupled with frequent references to alternative rock bands -- the writer is a member of pubk rock band The Mr T. Expaerinece -- ensured King Dork was a hit when it was released in the US in 2006.
While King Dork's ethos is undeniably hip and modern, Tom is not quite the voice of the myspace generation. In what is perhaps a betrayal of the author's age, there is nary a mention of a computer, let alone the dot com boom, instant messaging, or an impending anxiety over y2k, despite being set in the fall of 1999.
Despite Tom's dislike for Catcher, it is this book that ends up changing his life, when he discovers an old copy that belonged to his father. Filled with cryptic scribbles, it starts Tom on an investigation into his father's murky past, which turns out toi be weirder and weirder with each successive revelation.
Also like Holden is Tom's fascination and relative lack of success with members of the opposite sex -- until he finaly makes out with a mysetrious girl who then promptly vanishes from Tom's (admittedly limited) social radar.
From then on the game is afoot, with Tom valiantly cracking codes, dodging bullies and enjoying unexpected trysts, all the while preparing his band for their grand debut at the school's talent show.
Portman restrains himself from tying up the loose ends, which although annoying is a fair refelction of the messiness of life.
More disappointing, however, are certain abusrd plot twists that he piles on towards the end, which feel arbitrary and out-of-place after the care in which Tom was brought to life.
Still, this is an engrossing read that might even strike close to home sometimes, whether or not you're still in school.
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May 21, 2013 Myongsun rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction, juvenile

Listened to it over a series of months. Reader was good, but his tone changes in the middle of the book, which affects the story a bit.

The writing is decent, the protagonist interesting and kind of clever, the story premise/mystery begins well enough. And then it kind of doesn't really go anywhere. There are some reveals, but they aren't particularly smart or tie back into the story well enough for me to go hunting for the clues. The adolescent girls in this story were baffling and awful and it...more

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Apr 23, 2013 Melissa Anderson added it

This is a weird & delightful & incredibly funny novel. If you hated high school -- or just realized it was a rotten trial designed to SSOP-34P
Portman's voice is remarkable and sly. The characters & dialogue are so good throughout the book that the end was kind of disappointing, if only because it ended too much like a normal book with some sort of crisis/climax like novels seem to always have these days. Or maybe I was just reluctant to finish the book at all. And I didn't care for...more

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Feb 19, 2013 Jessica rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: young-adult-lit-1-12

Tom Henderson (a.k.a, King Dork) is a typical high school loser until he finds his deceased father's copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and the world as he knows it is changed forever. He gets pulled into a world full of conspiracies and mysteries, including his father's death. He and his best friend Sam Hellerman must work together to figure out the tangled web of clues from the book, and also the mystery that is high school girls. Ultimately, all Tom and Sam want to do is form one amazing rock band,...more

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Jan 30, 2013 Linda rated it 3 of 5 stars

Sex, drugs and rock and roll. That almost sums it up, but luckily not quite.

If you really want to hear about it...King Dork is sort of okay. The story of Tom (ChiMo) Henderson's sophomore year takes place near San Francisco in what seems to be the late 90s. There are no references to computers, and people are still using phone books and such. Tom's dad, a police officer, died mysteriously years ago in what the news stories call an "accident" or according to Carol, Tom's mom, suicide. Tom and his...more Sex, drugs and rock and roll. That almost sums it up, but luckily not quite.

If you really want to hear about it...King Dork is sort of okay. The story of Tom (ChiMo) Henderson's sophomore year takes place near San Francisco in what seems to be the late 90s. There are no references to computers, and people are still using phone books and such. Tom's dad, a police officer, died mysteriously years ago in what the news stories call an "accident" or according to Carol, Tom's mom, suicide. Tom and his sister, Amanda, now live with Carol and her new husband, Little Big Tom. Tom spends his time with his best friend, Sam Hellerman, naming and renaming their band, their stage names, and album titles. One day, Tom finds a box of his dad's old books, including the ubiquitous Catcher in the Rye, that hold a sort of code he obsessively tries to crack (and, by the end, sort of does I guess).

Tom's high school sounds pretty awful. He insists everyone (but him) is doing drugs, bullies led by Matt Lynch ("normals" he calls them) run rampant, gym teachers set up bloody boxing matches, English teachers mispronounce words, and the assistant principal, Mr. Teone, is running a pornography operation out of his home. I might be naive, or maybe his school is spectacularly bad, but it seems overdone. Also, Tom's "girlfriends" Fiona/Deanna and Celeste are more than willing to give him "the time" on days they are not giving the time to their other boyfriends. That didn't ring true either. What does ring true is Tom's narration. Like Holden, he is a kind, sensitive guy, trying to cover all that up with sarcasm. Despite his protests, we can see that deep down he loves his sister (like Holden loves Phoebe), his step-father and his therapist, Dr. Hexstrom, and even Holden Caulfield. Like Holden, he "goes a little crazy" (on Paul Krebs and Mr. Teone) and like Holden, he tells us all about it, even if it is painful. I love the way Portman sneaks in "Holdenisms" all over the place.

I felt sorry for Tom, and laughed at his cynical view of the world, but I the character I liked most was Little Big Tom, trying so hard to be a good "fake father." Sure, he makes some missteps, but he seems to truly care about Tom and his gift of the guitar was pretty touching. Boy, Mom was sure a mess, still masking the pain of a dead husband, and potentially sexual abuse. The ending was abrupt and tried to wrap it all up, though I'm not sure it wrapped anything up at all. I really love the idea of an archetypal father quest though the marginalia of old books, but I wish Portman would have spent more time developing that story line and less time on nipples and blowjobs.

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Dec 05, 2012 Allison rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: boy-readers, contemporary-realistic-fiction, humorous, ya-teen

Oh King Dork. You totally disappointed me. I was so excited when I started reading. The main character Tom has a hilariously sarcastic way with words. And I loved loved the anti-Catcher in the Rye sentiments. (Finally someone who is as annoyed by Holden as I am!) But it all went so quickly down hill. Nothing happens in this book! It's just Tom rambling on in his sarcastic, put-upon, verbally superior soliloquies. And man does that get boring. Also, I'm pretty sure all the anti-Catcher talk is ju...more

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Nov 11, 2012 Kevin Rubin rated it 3 of 5 stars

The front cover says "if you're in a band or wish you were, if you loved or hated 'Catcher in the Rye', if you like girls or are one... King Dork will rock you're world". Being pretty neutral about 'Catcher in the Rye' (I liked it, didn't "love" it) and never having been in a band, with only casual daydreams about that, I guess I only qualify here with the "like girls" category...

This is Tom Henderson's story about his life as a totally unpopular dork in high school. He has one friend, Sam Helle...more The front cover says "if you're in a band or wish you were, if you loved or hated 'Catcher in the Rye', if you like girls or are one... King Dork will rock you're world". Being pretty neutral about 'Catcher in the Rye' (I liked it, didn't "love" it) and never having been in a band, with only casual daydreams about that, I guess I only qualify here with the "like girls" category...

This is Tom Henderson's story about his life as a totally unpopular dork in high school. He has one friend, Sam Hellerman because for all the years of the schools making kids line up alphabetically, they were next to each other, and he's about equally unpopular. Both of them are picked on and beaten up on a regular basis by the kids Tom calls "normal".

Meanwhile the two of them have band, whose name changes on a frequent basis, Baby Batter, Plasma Nukes, Tennis with Guitars (this came about after playing air guitar with tennis rackets during gym class and the teacher getting upset and trying to make them equally angry by asking "how would you like it if I played tennis with guitars?"), The Underpants Machine, The Stoned Marmadukes, Oxford English, Balls Deep, Elephants of Style, Chi-Mos, and so forth... They make up their own stage names and what they do, they come up with the first few album titles and covers... The only thing they don't really do is make music!

And even though they fantasize about their band's music changing the world, fortunately they never come up with "Wyld Stallyns".

Throughout the story Tom talks about the "cult of Rye" because all the teachers put such an emphasis on reading "The Catcher in the Rye" including his English teacher who has them waste time copying pages from it and using some of its words in sentences.

Tom also finds some of his late father's old books, with underlines, margin notes and even a folded up, coded note and then becomes obsessed with unraveling his father's history and trying to solve how he actually died, which was deemed an accident by the Santa Carla (yes, the same fictional city as "The Lost Boys") police department where he was an investigator, but a suicide by Tom's mother and possibly a murder...

By the end, they enter their band in a school talent show which has quite an effect on their social standing in school. They suck hardcore, but the whole school likes their lyrics.

And it ends with Tom saying "but honestly, I've got my mind on other things. Girls and rock and roll, I mean. Everything else is trivial."

Overall, it was pretty good and Portman did a good job writing Tom as sort of 21st century Holden Caulfield. I got tired of some of the "Catcher in the Rye" discussions, and got confused about all the murder mystery ideas at the end. It would've been better to have it narrated that Tom and Sam discussed it than share the half baked, incomplete, uninformed ideas with us readers.

I certainly felt some kinship with Tom's opening description of himself, "I fit the traditional mould of the brainy, freaky, oddball kid who reads too much, so bright that his genius is sometimes mistaken for just being retarded. I know a lot of trivia, and I often use words that sound made up but actually out to be in the dictionary. But I can never quite figure out anything to say if someone addresses me directly...."(less)

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Oct 29, 2012 Hanagie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

When I first read this book, I didn't like it. It was because I read little bits of it every now and then but when I heard that a movie based on this book was in production, I decided to read it again. Maybe I was missing something? Turns out, I was. The second time around was a lot smoother. I'm not going into a whole synopsis of the novel, I was never really good at that anyways. Since I'm a Dork myself, I caught all of Mr. Portman's references to LOTR and the self-imposed glossary at the back...more

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Mar 26, 2012 Kat rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I liked the first quarter of this book when I thought I knew what it was. Then it took a severe left turn into the No Man's Land of overly complex plot mingled with a mystery that is never answered, shaky characterization of unsympathetic characters and soap boxing on social issues under the guise of jaded youth. It's really sad to me that a recommendation by John Green is on the back cover.

If you like mystery, this isn't the book for you. The mystery, as I've said, is too complex, only comes in...more I liked the first quarter of this book when I thought I knew what it was. Then it took a severe left turn into the No Man's Land of overly complex plot mingled with a mystery that is never answered, shaky characterization of unsympathetic characters and soap boxing on social issues under the guise of jaded youth. It's really sad to me that a recommendation by John Green is on the back cover.

If you like mystery, this isn't the book for you. The mystery, as I've said, is too complex, only comes in in the latter half of the book and is never fully explained.

If you like humor, this isn't the book for you. I laughed exactly twice and both were half-hearted sounds. The tone was uneven, maybe intentionally, but maybe that's giving the writer too much credit. Told from the perspective of the main character, there's a sarcastic wryness to the writing, but the situations it describes at times are too disturbing for the tongue-in-cheek style.

If you like characterization, this isn't the book for you. King Dork, aka Chi-Mo, aka Tom Henderson despises Catcher in the Rye rather passionately, but even he can admit to feeling sad with Holden at times. I never felt sad with Tom, or even sad for him, because his perspective and the narrative forced me not to. What's artfully done in Catcher is botched here. (And I didn't even like Catcher in the Rye that much.) Holden lies to himself, but you can see it. The cracks are there. The cracks are here too in Tom, but not enough attention is paid to them and not in the right way. You believe him when he says he hasn't had any growth. He will continue to be the beat upon, lied to, misunderstood, misogynistic music snob doormat and I just don't feel sorry for him. I'm bored.

As a stylistic note, Tom/Frank Portman enjoys shortening a perfectly normal phrase down to its initials and repeating it once as an acronym in the next sentence or part of the sentence. "Sam Hellerman seemed utterly confident in his theory, but then, he always seemed u. c." Maybe it's because I'm slightly dyslexic, but I find this annoying as fuck and you shouldn't pretend something is clever when it's simply a. a. f.

I gave this two stars because I know someone out there will like it. Probably a 15 year old boy who reads Guns & Ammo and wears Army jackets to scare off bullies, who dreams of being in a rock band despite having no talent, drive or training, who thinks girls are crazy blow job machines too stupid to know what they want and plagued with the common teenage disease of believing he is always right and the world revolves around him. He will read this book and he will enjoy it and it won't change a damn thing about his life.(less)

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Oct 05, 2011 MCOH rated it 1 of 5 stars

Dear Tom (a.k.a. King Dork, Chi-Mo, Henderpig, etc.) -

Yesterday, my son turned 15. He requested books for his birthday, and I picked this one up at the University Bookstore in Seattle. I thought maybe the two of you would have something in common - you're contemporaries, both learning how to survive the modern American public high school experience. But wow - I am so glad I read your story before wrapping it up and handing it over. 'Cause it turns out you are not an influence I want in his life....more Dear Tom (a.k.a. King Dork, Chi-Mo, Henderpig, etc.) -

Yesterday, my son turned 15. He requested books for his birthday, and I picked this one up at the University Bookstore in Seattle. I thought maybe the two of you would have something in common - you're contemporaries, both learning how to survive the modern American public high school experience. But wow - I am so glad I read your story before wrapping it up and handing it over. 'Cause it turns out you are not an influence I want in his life.

You started out with some promise. You seem like an interesting, complicated guy. I'm really curious about your dad - what kind of a guy was he? What was he like when he was your age? And how did he really die? Was it an accident, suicide, murder? When you started finding secret codes in the margins of his old paperbacks, I was intrigued. Of course that kind of trailed off, and you left me hanging there at the end, never really resolving this mystery satisfactorily. But hey, I guess life's like that sometimes; we don't always get all the answers we want. And I know how it is - you got distracted by the more immediate things around you.

And let's face it: you've got a lot to deal with. My heart goes out to you as you try to deal with that whole awful high school social scene: drama hippies, social outcasts, vicious bullies, your strange, lascivious, sadistic Vice-Principal. I'm so sorry you have to go through all that. At least you have that one friend, and the band you two have been trying to put together. Let me commend the two of you; while you're short on musical talent and you show a staggering deficit of judgment in your lyrics & choice of performance venues, you're quite creative when it comes to generating possible band names and bizarre album cover art.

But listen, Tom, you and I really need to talk. And yes, it's the talk 15-year old boys don't really want to have with their moms. And even less with somebody else's mom. But here goes: we need to talk about sex. First of all, I'm just going to come out and state my very strong bias: I believe everybody in the world would be better off saving sex for a happy, loving marriage, and I would be really pleased to see all pre-marital and extra-marital sex come to a complete halt. Seriously, I know that makes me a ridiculously old-fashioned, fuddy-duddy old fogey. But I can't seem to get hip with the times, and rejoice with you over these weekly sessions with girls that you barely know.

I know, I know, you're all filled with those crazy teen-age hormones, and it's hard for you to think past the excitement of some momentary physical pleasure. Really, I get that. We've all been there. And I know you also haven't had the strongest role models around you, what with your father gone, your mom perpetually out of it, and your well-meaning, but oddball stepdad trying, but not quite connecting with you. It's not surprising you're a little confused. But believe me; what you have found in the way of a sex-life is not, let me repeat, NOT what it's all about.

I think you know that, deep down. Remember when you were talking about your wish for a "Sex Alliance Against Society"? Actually, you were just barely starting to catch a glimpse of the right idea there. You're right - sex can be part of something bigger and better than random, clandestine, anonymous hook-ups. It can be part of a positive, mutually-supportive, mutually-beneficial, emotionally fulfilling relationship. It's clear from reading your book that you haven't figured this out yet, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret:

Girls are people, too.

I mean it. Actual human beings with feelings, thoughts, dreams, hopes, ideas, desires. So far, to you, they just seem like mysterious but appealing objects for your own gratification. But really, they're more like you than you realize. And in order to become a mature, decent human being, you're going to need to do something that is very challenging: You are going to need to learn to keep your pants zipped sometimes. Yes, even when willing females are offering you the opportunity to unzip them. Instead, I want you to think about the ethical, moral implications of what you're contemplating.

Start by asking yourself some or all of the following questions: Is this girl drunk, high, or otherwise impaired in her judgment? (If so, keep pants zipped.) Does this girl seem mentally stable? (If not, I recommend keeping pants zipped.) Is this relationship something either you or she seem ashamed of? (If so, consider keeping pants zipped.) Are either you or she simultaneously involved in other romantic or sexual relationships? (Keep pants zipped.) Is your relationship with this girl based on anything at all besides the physical aspect? (If not, I suggest keeping your pants zipped.) Is this sexual relationship completely one-sided, in which only one of you ever seems to be experiencing any physical pleasure? (For now, keep pants zipped. When you're married, come back for part two of this discussion). You've made every one of these mistakes over the course of these past few months; you're not off to a great start.

Oh, Tom, I'm not completely unsympathetic to your plight. I realize that you're largely a product of this mixed-up, hypersexualized, narcissistic, often immoral society. And your little corner of society over at Hillmont High seems more immoral than most. But I'm trying not to lose hope for the future of America after reading your depressing story. Hopefully, you (and the many teens and even adults with a similar mentality) will start to grow up and eventually get a clue or two.

Sincerely,
Joshua's mother(less)

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Frank Portman(AKA Dr. Frank) is the singer/songwriter, guitarist of the popular San Francisco based punk band The Mr. T. Experience (MTX). Formed in the mid 1980's, MTX has recorded over twenty albums and has an incredibly large fanbase. The author lives in Oakland, California.

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